WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXIX, Night One

1 April 2023

So-Fi Stadium
Inglewood, California - USA

Attendance: 67,303

Commentators: Michael Cole & Corey Graves

My thoughts before this viewing:
I have only just started watching WCW in 1998, so what better time for a trip to 25 years in the future (or one year in the past) and watch last year's WrestleMania? Cody Rhodes is here to follow his Father's dream... of losing to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, or something. And that's about all I know. And I care about even less. But, it is Good Friday so let's watch some WrestleMania and make it a Bad Friday...

NIGHT ONE

America The Beautiful
Becky G is here to sing the song today. She once did a cool song with J-Hope. This is not that song.
5/10

Opening Video Package
Kevin Hart is our host? Oh, no - he is just presenting this video. WrestleMania is a Once Upon a Time in Hollywood story... which makes no sense, as the first WrestleMania was in New York and Titan's offices are in Connecticut. Maybe Quentin Tarantino is directing this? It's WrestleMania Hollywood again, so the wrestlers have filmed a bunch of classic movie scenes to show off their terrible acting skills again. Fucking kill me now. Bahahahah Kevin Hart says this show has star power "like Austin Theory" - a guy with all the star power of a door knob in Cornwall. 
2/10

Michael Cole welcomes us and aaaaahhhhh fuck The Miz is hosting with Snoop Dogg. Fucking kill me again.

Opening Match
WWE US Championship
John Cena vs Austin Theory (c)
John Cena makes wishes come true for lots of children. Not sure what that has to do with this match; did he refuse to grant Theory's wish? Is Theory uncomfortable with how much WWE like to exploit these sick children? For example, having a bunch of kids on stage for John Cena's introduction. None of them are wearing John Cena t-shirts; in fact, one of them is dressed in a Hulk fucking Hogan costume.

Gosh, Cena is going bald! Theory bites him a few times and Graves writes it off to the referee being lenient because it is WrestleMania. He also thinks there is a possibility that John Cena wins and becomes the US Champion. Of course there is a referee bump and John Cena thinks he has won the match, which means he doesn't.

Winner = Austin Theory via pinfall following some variation of the F5 but with a dumber name
5/10

HHH thinks him in a private plane has everything to do with being a wrestler in a video game.

Shoosh have a chocolate bar.

WWE Shop with the evergreen ugly clothing. This year's WrestleMania special is free shipping? Cheap bastards. 

This year's theme song is AGAIN a shitty song from The Weeknd. Might even be the same shitty song, for all I know. His music sounds like the most generic background music for department stores.

We've had one match and it's already time for the Highlight of the Night? Is it one of the 76 advertisements? Oh, it is something that took place on another show - so it has nothing to do with WrestleMania.

"WrestleMania Showcase Fatal Four-Way Tag-Team"
The Street Profits vs Alpha Academy vs Braun Strowman & Ricohet vs The Viking Raiders (w/Valhalla)

For a moment, I thought The Viking Raiders had the Pepsi logo on their gear. One benefit of posting last year's WrestleMania bLog was that I am coming in to this match actually knowing who Alpha Academy are this time! But still not The Viking Raiders and their non-Pepsi sponsored gear. The Street Profits are still cool. It's crazy that they are never the champions, yet The Usos are always the champions at WrestleMania and have about a 1/5th of the charisma. Strowman runs around the ring doing the worst shoulder tackles I've ever seen. I should add that Titus O'Neal has joined the commentary team for this match and he seems to be channeling Dusty Rhodes. Which makes him the best commentator this company has had in about 20 years. And The Street Profits are still cool.

Winners = The Street Profits via pinfall following cool stuff
6/10

We get some sort of recap of Brock Lesnar's wikpedia page career history. Because tomorrow night Brock Lesnar takes on Omos? Oh, shit - why did I wait a year to watch this?!? Omos is now being billed as 7'3". I'm sure when he first appeared they were billing him as 8 foot or something.

Xavier Woods is backstage with nerds and wrestlers not worthy of a match at WrestleMania. They are running sims on the new WWE video game. But which platform? I want to make fun of this, but I'll take it over more of The Miz.

Video Package
Oh fuck off.
3/10

Seth Rollins vs Logan Paul
Logan Paul copies the Shawn Michaels entrance from WrestleMania XII, except slower and way more lame. Rollins has a conductor to lead the crowd in some chanting or some bullshit, and for the only time in my life I can relate to Logan Paul.

Fuck this. I'm not writing about these turds today.

Winner = Seth Rollins via pinfall following a curb stomp
4/10

Oh there is a WWE Biography show on Dusty Rhodes? Guess what I'll be watching after this bullshit...

Big E can't decide between a Snickers or a Snickers... or a Snickers.

Video Package
Bayley has new friends. Walmart Lady GaGa still sucks and is teaming with older more talented women.
3/10

Becky Lynch, Lita & Trish Stratus vs Damage Ctrl (Bayley, Io Sky and Dakota Kai)
The good team get some kind of wannabe comicbook-style entrance video. Big Time Becks would be a terrible superhero name. This match is pretty much Damage Ctrl beating on Lynch for a while, until Lita gets the tag and it becomes obvious why Lynch was taking most of the match. Stuff happens and everyone hits their finishing maneuvers.

Winners = Becky Lynch, Trish Stratus & Lita via pinfall following something by Becky Lynch that I big time don't care about
5/10

Tomorrow night, Asuka will continue to lose at WrestleMania.

Video Package
Rey Mysterio loves his family, but his son Dominik fell in with a bad crowd and went to jail. They are wrestlers, so Rey should take some of the blame here... Anyways, Dominik did hard time (a whole night?) and that has changed him. He clearly gets his height from Mrs Mysterio, Jr. Rey refused to fight his own son until Dominik... told his Mother... to shut up!
6/10

Bad Bunny is joining the Spanish commentary team. Michael Cole claims this show is a sell out of around 70,000 people, but there sure are a lot of empty seats out there. The hot dog stands must be super busy or something...

Is this supposed to be footage of Dominik in prison? And now he's arriving in a police van, so he is coming direct from prison? Why was he there this time? And why is he now wearing a jacket and mask that he wasn't wearing in the video?

Michael Cole: "This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever witnessed". I appreciate the effort, but you also watched the previous 20-something WrestleManias, so I don't think that is true.

Rey Mysterio vs Dominik Mysterio
Cole claims that Dominik "hasn't earned the right to wear a lucha mask". Yeah - he hasn't eaten the 1kg burrito at Mad Mex! Snoop Dogg is driving Rey to the ring in a Cadillac. To Eddie Guerrero's WWE theme. Just keep on milking it, guys... I've just finished watching 1997 WCW, which is Rey Misterio Jr. at the peak of his career. This is not that. A lot of back and forth, and then back and forth some more. Their family are ringside, so there is family drama. Then more back and forth. Dominik's bad friends come out to help him, so some other dudes in LWO shirts come out to help Rey. Seriously? L fucking W fucking O? I'm about a year away from Eddie Guerrero starting that in WCW, but seriously, are these people just completely devoid of all creativity? Dominik with the slowest 619 I may have ever seen. Honestly, I feel sorry for this kid; when his Dad was his age, he was already a multi-time WCW Cruiserweight champion and had had numerous 5-star matches. And had even lost his mask! In fairness, he had also been a pro for like ten years already as well, but there is no reason Dominik couldn't have learned from his Father and started younger. And gotten better.

Winner = Rey Mysterio via pinfall following a splash
6/10

A group of children were lied to and they had to hang out with The Miz. So torturing regular children is okay, so long as you grant some wishes for sick kids?

Bad Bunny will host the next WWE show that I will never watch.

Why would I care about some people watching this show in Germany at 4am? Did I need to know that Germans are wacky?

Video Package
Rhea Ripley won the Royal Rumble and challenged Charlotte Flair. Didn't that already happen a couple of years ago? Again, nothing original going on here...
2/10

Smackdown Women's Championship
Rhea Ripley vs Charlotte Flair (c)
I think Michael Cole just claimed that Charlotte Flair has more wins at WrestleMania than anyone else in history? Perhaps he meant to say women only? Because Hulk Hogan has won more times than Flair has even appeared. And The Undertaker went like 21-0 or something. Coles mentions something about the "75,000 people in attendance" and I'm impressed the crowd has somehow grown in the last hour. There must be a massive queue for the bathrooms! Maybe there will be 150,000 people buying drinks by the end of the night! Charlotte Flair is 10 years younger than Trish Stratus. Charlotte Flair looks at least 10 years older than Trish Stratus.

Winner = Rhea Ripley via pinfall following a top-rope Rip Tide
4/10

Michael Cole and Corey Graves say this was the greatest match ever. Uhh sure whatever, dudes.

Tomorrow some dudes want to fight over the Intercontinental Championship. Cool.

The Miz announces the attendance has grown even further to reach 80,000! Wow, who would have believed it... He claims he put out an "open challenge" on social media, because he's the toughest man in the building. Dude, you're not even the toughest man in the front row. Pat McAfee comes out and says he couldn't find The Miz's "open challenge" on any of the social media sites, but forgets to list MySpace like a rookie. Cole claims McAfee is undefeated; pretty sure he lost to that old POS and it was embarrassing. Fuckhead. McAfee challenges The Miz to a match because this fucking show hasn't been boring enough. Cole is so excited it's like someone offered him free ice cream for life. McAfee starts a "tiny balls" chant at The Miz. Wait - Snoop Dogg has some WWE belt? And he has the power to make this match official?

Pat McAfee vs The Miz
Corey Graves hates Pat McAfee for some reason. Which is fine, because I hate Corey Graves for all the reasons. The Miz comes off the top rope into a superkick. Some famous guy I don't know - likely sports - attacks The Miz and McAfee doesn't get disqualified. Nice of the Mysterios to give up their seats so this dude could have a whole little section to himself. The crowd give zero fucks about him or this match or any of this.

Winner = Pat McAfee via pinfall following a punt
5/10

The Miz got in zero offence, so maybe this was match of the night...

WrestleMania next year will be in Philadelphia. Sylvester Stallone/Rocky Balboa has got to be making an appearance, right?

They run down the card for tomorrow's (tonight's?) card. Legit looks a million times more interesting than night one.

More advertisements encouraging people to bet on WWE matches. Gambling is bad, yo! And betting on a TV show seems particularly lame.

Video Package
Sami Zayn used to hang out with The Bloodline, which meant he couldn't be friends with Kevin Owens Mac - even though they stopped being friends a couple of WrestleManias ago? But then Zayn turned on The Bloodline to be friends with Kevin Owens Mac again? Cue teen drama music and dialogue about friendships and family (and I mean this literally). It's all kinds of pathetic. BUT at least these fucks are actually using the video packages to tell viewers why the match is happening!
6/10

Musical Performance
Lil' Uzi Vert sounds like a shitty drink from Starbucks. This loser sure ain't no King of Rock.
1/10

Do the safety dance, but not your taxes?

These shitburgers got paid a billion dollars and still fill this fucking show with all the advertisements...

Main Event
Undisputed WWE Tag-Team Championship
Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac vs The Usos (c)
As always, it is WrestleMania and The Usos are tag-team champions. Nothing original. Cole says they have been champions for almost two years now. I find it hard to believe much of what that clown says, but let's pretend for a moment that he is actually correct for once; that would mean The Bloodline have held two world championships and two tag-team championships for two years. Why?? It seems unnecessary. The Hart Foundation were an infinitely better faction and when they held a bunch of titles it was only for a few months. And they held more, because they were better. Usos beat down Zayn to start. And continue. And continue some more. Kevin Owens Mac finally gets the tag, so that means things get a bit more back and forth. And The Usos hit a million superkicks like they think they're The Young Bucks at a superkick party. The Spanish announce table was destroyed earlier in the show - I didn't mention it, because it was meaningless - and now they have a new one, so Kevin Owens Mac tries to put an Uso through it. Which, of course, means Owens Mac is going through a table instead. Superkicks and finishers everywhere!

Winners = Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac via pinfall following 3 haloumi kicks from Sami Zayn
7/10

New champions!

Pyro and celebrations and highlights of everything I just had to watch and see you tomorrow! Or in an hour!

WrestleMania XXXIX - Night One: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac vs The Usos
   Good match and storytelling for once. Well worked. And everything else on this show was all sorts of boring.
2. Worst Match
   Seth Rollins vs Logan Paul.
   Rollins was slow and Paul is green as boogers. And even more unlikeable. And this just felt like a big commercial for all his brands. Don't buy his shit.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Not a whole lot... my hot cross buns?.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   The Miz as host. Although, I suppose that was better than him wrestling. But he went and did that, too...
5. Star of the Show
   John Cena? 
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Snoop Dogg for doing very little and earning a WWE title belt or something.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Lil' Uzi Nerd and his autotune pedal. That dude is garbage and if you like his music you need to have your spotify account cancelled.
8. Tonight's Meal
   It's early, so I kicked things off with breakfast wraps for brunch; hummus, eggs. spinach, sautéed mushrooms in a low carb spinach wrap. I thought maybe it was too early for Pepsi, so I had some classic 7up Light. But by the time Charlotte Flair hit my TV screen, I was reaching for the Pepsi-Max with Raspberry.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Well, I actually did, but it didn't leave any stains. My Hart Foundation hockey jersey is safe. For now...
10. Overall Score
    Holy zombie Jeebus on his holy day was that one boring fucking show. Admittedly, the super bad was limited, but I just didn't give a fuck about anything happening and none of it was good enough to change my mind. The matches were all kinds of mediocre and these 'superstars' just have zero charisma. Hilariously, I had considered watching WCW Souled Out 1998 before this show and I think that would have made things so much worse; going from Bret Hart vs Ric Flair to the fucking Alpha Academy and Austin Theory would have had me going to church or something. I would like to say this was not the worst WrestleMania ever, but when I consider the fact this was twice as long as what I consider to be the worst WrestleMania, well... fuck this show.
    3 out of 10

WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXVIII, Night One

2 April 2022

AT&T Stadium
Dallas, Texas - USA

Attendance: 65,719

Commentators: Michael Cole, Pat McAfee, Jimmy Smith, Corey Graves & Byron Saxton

My thoughts before this viewing:
I'm back again! It's Easter Sunday - the day of the resurrection! Which is appropriate, because my bLogging of WrestleMania feels a lot like a zombie just scouring the Earth looking for something that might be interesting. And I have no brain for doing this.

Anyway, what's in store for me today? Ronda Rousey returns! Cody Rhodes possibly returning, too! And Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns for the 100th time, except this time it's to unify the two world titles. I'm actually interested! What I'm not interested in is the sheer length of this nonsense; I've actually finally caved and will be skipping the pre-shows from now on. I mean, I don't bLog about them and they are a colossal waste of time anyways, but if WWE want to make them TWO FUCKING HOURS LONG and then have WrestleMania go for another FOUR hours, and then multiply that over TWO FUCKING NIGHTS... yeah, Fuck y'all. Also, the pre-shows are usually so terrible, contain no actual matches and are just filled with annoying people that it immediately makes me hate WrestleMania before it even begins!

On that note...

NIGHT ONE

America the Beautiful
Bradley Gilbert is awful. The dudes singing harmony are even worse. This is like hard rock country wannabe? Or country hard rock wannabe? Either way, I wannabe dead.
2/10

Opening Video Package
Mark Wahlberg tells the wrestlers to "catch some greatness". Oh no, I misunderstood - his plea was for "WrestleMania Saturday" to catch the greatness. Because the wrestlers don't matter. You know, they could actually use this opening video to hype some of the matches instead of just pretending WrestleMania is the greatest invention in the history of history.
3/10

"Stupendous" is the word of the night, apparently. They claim there are over 70,000 people in attendance, which is probably a lie. And not even that great of a lie, when you consider they had over 100,000 people last time they were in this stadium. Y'all should just lie big and claim 200,000 people.

The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are going to open the show? Skipping the pre-show isn't going to help much. Fuck this show.

Rick Boogs plays guitar. Pat McAffee parties on the commentary table. 

Stupendous.
Hey, Boogs - your guitar needs tuning. Badly. There is a recap from an earlier episode of Smackdown, where Boogs pretended to be injured to... get a title shot? Plays out of tune guitars, screams in falsetto, pretends to be injured - Boogs might actually be the best thing in WWE today!

Smackdown Tag-Team Championship
Shinsuke Nakamura & Rick Boogs (w/out of tune guitar) vs Jimmy & Jey Uso (c)
Oh, what a shock - the Uso's are the tag-team champions at WrestleMania! McAfee can't be bothered with the Uso first names, so I immediately like this guy. He says stupendous another 10 times, so he immediately lost that goodwill. Cole has absolutely nothing to talk about, so he just lists all the championships Nakamura has won... then does it all over again a couple of minutes later. Then tells us Lesnar vs Reigns is "the biggest main event in WrestleMania history". Clearly, Michael Cole is invested in this match. Boogs does some weird suplex where he drops to a knee and goes back up. Why? Oh, now he's really injured?

Winners = Jimmy & Jey Uso via pinfall following the old Dudley Boys' finisher because they are that void of anything interesting.
6/10

Michael Cole says something about Texas being Metroplex. I must have missed that part in The Transformers: The Movie.

Video Package
Baron Corbin used to be sad, because he lost all his money. He couldn't get in the arena to wrestle for WWE. How does being poor mean you no longer get security clearance for your job? Do the wrestlers have to pay to enter? Actually, that wouldn't surprise me... He was prepared to quit wrestling, but then he won millions of dollars at the casino - so now he is very happy. And used his winnings to buy a best friend? Holy shit - this is actually hilarious! The new happy friends beat up Drew McIntyre at some WWE show and stole his sword. McIntyre went from winning the championship at WrestleMania, to losing the championship at WrestleMania, to fighting BARON CORBIN in one of the opening/meaningless matches.
8/10

Drew McIntyre (w/sword that I guess he stole back?) vs 'Happy' Corbin (w/Madcap Moss)
Moss won the Andre the Giant Battle Royal, which I guess has been permanently moved to the Smackdown before WrestleMania, justifying my decision to drop the pre-shows from my viewing experience. Because seriously, what is the point of a TWO FUCKING HOUR pre-show if there are no matches? Corbin is winning, so of course that means he gets into an argument with Moss, which leads to McIntyre turning things around. McIntyre does his big dive over the top rope - mind your wang!!! Corbin gets a two count and is very NOT happy hur hur hur.

Winner = Drew McIntyre via pinfall following a claymore kick.
6/10

Corbin will be even less happy now.

Moss tries to get in the ring, but McIntyre chops the ropes with his sword and there are some explosion noises. Then he visits the commentary table and Pat McAfee is on his phone hahaha.

Some dude talked shit to his girlfriend about Sheamus in private, but she totally sold him out and now he's offering Sheamus a Snickers. I guess this is better than previous years...

WrestleMania t-shirts are discounted more than last year. Uglier, too.

Video Package
Rey Mysterio teaming with his son, Dominik, is a dream come true. The Miz needed a new tag-team partner, because John Morrison got fired yet again. So he chose the only person possibly more unlikeable than himself in Logan Paul. This is easily the worst tag-team in the history of history.
4/10

And to think, I was actually enjoying this show...

Rey & Dominik Mysterio (not his real surname) vs The Miz & Logan Paul
Rey is repping the Mexico flag and Dominik is flying the colours of the USA... because he hates his heritage? Corey Graves just turned up on commentary because I needed all my least favourite people in one place. Logan Paul does some punches and high jumps, and Graves actually compares him to The British Bulldog. Oh, fuck you very much! How did Jimmy Smith go from calling MMA with Bellator and the UFC, to selling this nonsense? Logan Paul pulls off Eddie Guerrero's signature moves because WWE can't stop milking the man's career. Apparently The Miz tagged himself in when Logan Paul was in the middle of the ring?

Not a legal tag

Winners = The Miz & Logan Paul via fuck off.
3/10

The Miz attacks Logan Paul to thunderous applause. I guess these two must now feud. They can do it all year, for all I care - I won't see any of it!

Stephanie McMahon comes out to greet the crowd because she thinks she is her Dad. I mean, she does surely suck as well. She introduces some American dude that will be a future WWE "superstar". I care more about this ad for Young Rock, and I gave up on that after episode 3.

Video Package
Bianca Belair won the Raw Women's Championship at WrestleMania last year, and it was a big deal. Such a big deal, that WWE had her lose the title 4 months later to Becky Lynch in like 20 seconds. WWE sure know how to book stars! Belair gave Lynch a haircut. And that's how she earned her rematch? She comes across like a really sore loser.
5/10

Raw Women's Championship
Bianca Belair vs Becky Lynch (c)
So what Lynch's name now? Big Time Becks? And her gimmick is thinking she's Walmart Lady GaGa?

The champion gets to stand in the ring while Belair has a marching band perform her entrance.

Honestly, the commentators really need to try shutting up for a couple of minutes during these big entrances - it would help them across as something special. Belair offers a handshake, but Lynch is like 'fuck you' and almost pins her in 10 seconds hahaha. Really, what they should have done was have Belair get revenge by pinning Lynch in 10 seconds - it would have been a great story. Instead, they have Lynch just beat the shit out of Belair for like 10 minutes. What kind of crazy person does a 450 splash from the middle turnbuckle? Lynch botches her finisher or something, but the commentators just pretend it was some innovative version of a dropkick. Sure thing, guys.

Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following DVD/KOD thing
5/10

New Champion!

There is some new series on the WWE Network/Peacock/Torrenting sites about bad guys in wrestling - but only talking to modern pro-wrestlers, like they know anything about being proper bad guys in pro-wrestling.

Video Package
Seth Rollins couldn't get a match at WrestleMania. Old POS Vince is like 'I'll give you a match, but your opponent will be a surprise!'. It's going to be Cody Rhodes, so it will only be a surprise if Seth Rollins managed to stay off the internet for a couple of months. He's a twitter addict, so I'm guessing not likely. And why would this be so important to him? He already earns megabucks - regardless of performing at WrestleMania or not - and it's not like this will be for a title or anything.
2/10

(Not Really a) Surprise Wrestler Cody Rhodes vs Seth Rollins
Rollins is introduced by a glee club or something. And he's actually being billed as "Seth 'Freakin' Rollins"? Whoa, baby, that is dumb. The surprise wrestler should have been Vince McMahon himself - I would have laughed a lot. But, shockingly, it is Cody Rhodes. What actually is a surprise is that he's still using his AEW theme song. AND still has that gawdawful neck tattoo.

Cole: "No one at AT&T Stadium can believe it!" - is that why the crowd were chanting his name before his music hit? 
Cole: "Rhodes has been competing at the highest level his entire career recently."

What?

AND THEN the commentators start acting like he's been retired for the last six years instead of wrestling all over the world and helping start the second biggest pro-wrestling promotion in the USA. Guys, it's not like he was in the UWF. Or fucking TNA. How did Rhodes not get disqualified for kicking Rollins in the balls? And how is Rollins totally okay? Rhodes hits his finisher but only gets a 2-count and the commentators absolutely bury the man for not getting the win HAHAHAHA. Rollins hits the Pedigree and I actually thought that might be the end, because I could imagine winning with The H Bomb's finisher would help HHH feel like he won the match vicariously. Holy shit Rhodes is just covered in welts and bruises. He imitates his Dad, sans polka dots this time, and it's honestly the feelgood spot of the night.

Winner = Cody Rhodes via pinfall following THREE crossroads
8/10

That was good shit.

2022 Hall of Fame
The Steiner Brothers were inducted? They should have been the headliners. Especially when they were inducted alongside other such illustrious pro-wrestling legends as... Booker T's wife. Yeah, okay there was also Vader. And The Undertaker. You know, it's actually funny how that dude spent like 30 years protecting his character and the last couple of years have exposed why - because he's actually a complete douchebag.

Pat McAfee is actually some sort of NFL player? But he always dreamed of becoming a pro-wrestler and has even been training for a few years. So tomorrow night he will make his pro-wrestling debut at WrestleMania Sunday.

We're... we're really calling them WrestleMania Saturday and Sunday now?

Michael Cole informs us Rick Boogs tore his knee and will require surgery. What a WrestleMania moment he'll never forget!

Video Package
Charlotte Flair thinks she's tougher than Ronda Rousey, because WWE wrestlers and their fans forget this shit has scripted winners. "My legacy is bigger than yours" is really the argument you want to make to hype a match? Rousey guarantees to make Flair tap-out. It's Charlotte Flair, so I guarantee that will never happen.
4/10

Smackdown Women's Championship
Ronda Rousey vs Charlotte Flair (c)
No Joan Jett? Or caring from the crowd? Ronda with some back and forth to start. The crowd seem kinda split. And rather dead. I don't know if it's because she looks like her Dad, but Flair seriously looks and moves like she's about 50 years-old. We finally get some drama as they exchange bad submission holds. Flair goes for the figure-four. Rousey reverses it and tries for an armbar. Flair reverses that and goes for another figure-four, then turns it into the figure-eight. Now they're trading bad near-falls - they should have stuck to bad submissions. Of course we get a referee bump, so Flair taps out and no one sees it (except for the crowd and the people watching at home and the other referees). You're using a referee that is legit close friends with Ric Flair to the point he even imitated him for a time in WCW and was his sidekick called "Lil' Natche" who helped Ric Flair win matches. I can't imagine a reputable commission would allow such a conflict.

Winner = Charlotte Flair via pinfall like you were expecting anything else?
3/10

Bahahaha welcome back, Ronda Rousey! WWE gonna WWE, I guess.

Bobby Lashley tells us WWE is where he was always meant to be. Except for those years he wrestled for other companies after quitting WWE because of racism?

Pitbull provided tonight's theme song. Do people actually listen to Pitbull when he makes music without Enrique Iglesias?

There will be matches tomorrow night on "WrestleMania Sunday", including another 4-way women's tag-team match. Faaaark I might just delete my whole hard drive now.

Video Package
The worst Metallica music video you will ever see.
2/10

Next year, WrestleMania will be in Hollywood. Will it be WrestleMania Monday as well?

Video Package
Kevin Owens Mac hates Texas. So he's the good guy, right?? He called out 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin because he stole Austin's finishing move? Austin is like 'All I gotta do is turn up, talk nonsense for half an hour and hit you with a Stunner? Fuck yeah - pay me!'. Why are they playing Kid Rock here? He's not from Texas. But he sure does suck as much as Texas.
5/10

Main Event
The KO Show featuring 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
Our main event is actually going to be talking segment? And it's actually going to last 40 minutes?? Kevin Owens Mac just makes jokes about Texas until Austin comes out. What they should have done was just have Owens Mac talk shit to the crowd for like 15 minutes and then have Austin come out, hit a stunner and drink beer. Instead they sit down to talk... Owens Mac says he wants to pour a beer on Austin. Guess this dude never watched Steve Austin drink beer, because he happily does that himself. Why are the crowd chanting "What?" at Austin? WWE fans truly are the worst. Owens Mac explains why he hates Texas and you can't argue with him - in fact, I'd suggest he could have said much worse. He tells Austin he doesn't just want to talk - he wants to fight! Well, I guess that would explain why you're both wearing your wrestling gear... Owens Mac says Austin is embarrassing himself, but I don't know - I would think challenging a 60 year-old man who retired 20 years ago to a fight is pretty fucking embarrassing. Austin says he had his very first match in Dallas, Texas, so he might as well have his very last match in Dallas, Texas. Nostalgia is a hell of a drug...

No Holds Barred
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs Kevin Owens
This is a stupid idea. They trade right hands and then Austin SLOWLY stomps Owens Mac. He takes a beer and then SLOWLY stomps him some more. He knocks back (i.e. spills all over himself) beer #2. He's already old and slow - not sure how being drunk will improve things? Owens Mac actually gets in some offense, but it doesn't involve anything like making Austin actually take a wrestling move. Owens Mac pulls out a table; WWE laws mean he will be the one going through that. They brawl in the crowd and OH FUCK ME Owens Mac just suplexed Austin on the floor. Colour me fucking surprised; Austin is 60 and has had multiple neck surgeries - he shouldn't be doing this shit. Austin gets beers #3 to #5. Owens Mac tries to steal Austin's ATV. Pretty sure that would get you killed in Texas. So Austin throws Owens Mac on said ATV and takes him for a drive up the ramp. That would be considered drunk and dangerous driving anywhere else in the world. Beers #6 & #7. Corey Graves plugs Austin's beer label for him. It can't be that great, because Austin keeps spitting it everywhere. Owens Mac hits a Stunner. Austin kicks out. Owens Mac swings a chair and it bounces off the ropes back into his own face. Austin with the Stunner.

Winner = 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin via pinfall following Stone Cold Stunner
7/10

Fuck it - it was a stupid idea, but I'll be damned if it wasn't entertaining.

Austin gets more beers and now I've lost count. Owens Mac gets up aaaaand gets another Stunner. I can't belive Owens Mac got to live out CM Punk's dream - pretty fucking spiteful of WWE, but this is the company that officially fired him on his wedding day, so WWE gotta WWE. Also, hell of a reason to make a dude re-sign with your company. No wonder Cody Rhodes came back. Maybe he'll get to avenge someone that betrayed his Father in WWE history... like... Sapphire?

Of course, Byron Saxton - proving WWE employees have never watched a WWE show in their lives - gets in the ring, hoping to share a beer with Steve Austin. Which means he also gets a Stunner. And bounces and flops around the ring like an electrocuted eel. Steve Austin's brother gets in the ring to share a beer with Austin aaaaaand... he doesn't get a Stunner. They drink/spill beer together and that's it for now!

WrestleMania XXXVIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Cody Rhodes vs Seth Rollins
   I thought it had great action and the crowd reaction to Cody's return was pretty awesome. Also, it felt like a bit of a WWE vs AEW match.
2. Worst Match
   Ronda Rousey vs Charlotte Flair
   I mean it wasn't terrible, but it was pretty boring and then that ending was hilariously typical WWE...
3. Highlight of the Show
   Maybe Cody's return?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Everything Logan Paul.
5. Star of the Show
   Steve Austin. That may have been the biggest pop I have heard in pro-wrestling in like 20 years.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Were there any? Does Ronda Rousey still count?
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Logan Paul, duh. Sure, his wrestling was fine, but fuck that guy.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Wraps featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, red onion, olives and corn fritters, topped with burger sauce. Honey mustard may have actually suited more. Decided to try some raspberry PepsiMax with the first day...
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Which is nice because I do not wish to ruin my Easter pyjamas.
10. Overall Score
    This was a pretty good show! There were some highs and some lows, but nothing overly awful. I was able to embrace the hilarious part of the hilariously bad, and that really helped. The booking is just WWE personified; The Uso's and Charlotte Flair retained their titles over people the crowd love and an old retired guy beat a younger guy in the main event. but I guess that's their problem. They can book the worst shows ever and still make a billion dollars sending their failure of a network to Peacock AND steal back a wrestler who helped start their biggest rival promotion. Fuck it!
    6 out of 10

WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXVII, Night Two

11 April 2021

Raymond James Stadium
Tampa, Florida - USA

Attendance: 18,501

Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Samoa Joe & Byron Saxton

My thoughts before this viewing:
It's night two! And I think I said all I needed to say in my previous bLog. Because I just finished Night One, it's still Good Friday/Bad Friday, and I wrote about what I knew yesterday because I had no idea what matches were on which night. But now I know what matches are on tonight: Roman Reigns vs Daniel Bryan vs Edge, Asuka vs That Australian Wrestler I Can't Remember the Name of Right Now, Kevin Owens Mac vs Sami Zayn with Logan Paul somehow involved, and maybe some other bullshit I didn't care about in the first place!

NIGHT TWO

America the Beautiful
Today's performer is "the new voice of country music", some blonde bitch! She has yellow nail polish, so she gets points for that. It's certainly better than her singing or guitar playing.

BAHAHAH they're actually mixing in footage of the wrestlers watching last night's performance.
5/10

Opening Video Package
We get a repeat of last night's video package, now with added highlights from Night One. Yawn.
2/10

Titus O'Neil and Hulk Hogan are back to "host". This time they're dressed like pirates. Hulk is actually pulling this off - apart from his sneakers. There are lots of pirate jokes. And piped in crowd noises.

Video Package
Oh shit I had actually forgotten about The Fiend! Bah gawd I miss forgetting about The Fiend... Randy Orton set The Fiend on fire - don't worry, it was a match stipulation. Alexa Bliss is now a crazy little girl. They're trying so hard to make some sort of spooky horror movie, but it all just looks childish. Then The Fiend magically transforms to heal his burns.

-5/10

Opening Match
Randy Orton vs The Fiend
Orton is walking to the ring slowly like he thinks he's the Undertaker. Alexa Bliss comes out to children's music because she's crazy.

Oh there is a big jack-in-the-box next to the ring. Wow. Bliss winds the handle and The Fiend comes out the top.

The match hasn't even started and I don't see how they could cram any more bullshit into this. Oh cool - they are going to wrestle under a "spooky" red light. The Fiend pretty much just no sells everything. Then there are some flames and Bliss appears on the box with some black goo leaking on her head.

The crowd chant "Holy Shit!". I think they meant "This is shit!".

Winner = Randy Orton via pinfall following an RKO.
-10/10

The arena goes black and everything magically disappears. This was worse than anything the UWF ever did. Are people genuinely cheering this???

I guess things can only get better from here?

Titus O'Neil and Hulk Hogan are backstage with Eric Bischoff. Bayley interrupts again. She wants Bischoff to appear on her "show" - which I guess is a talking segment on one of the shitty WWE shows. He says he would rather have Bianca Belair appear on his podcast. He and Hogan make up some story about a boat and then plug Bischoff's podcast again as they run away.

Women's Tag-Team Championship
Natalya & Tamina vs Nia Jax & Shayna Baszler (c)

Am I even going to make it through the first hour?? Baszler just smashes Natalya with mean looking knees and it is a lot of fun. Nia Jax gets in the ring and it is substantially less fun. Same for Tamina. Natalya goes for a move and hilariously misses. Her and Tamina just stand in the ring watching Jax for like 10 minutes so she can eventually land a splash on them. Bah gawd. Tamina attempts another shitty superfly splash but fails. Natalya puts the Sharpshooter on the wrong person.

Winners = Shayna Baszler & Nia Jax via submission
2/10

Video Package
Sami Zayn is being silenced. His best friend Kevin Owens didn't support him. Logan Paul got involved somehow. They list Paul's roles in life, like YouTuber & actor, but leave out 'Piece of Shit'.
2/10

JBL is given a special introduction as he joins the commentary team. At least they are giving me fair warning...

Kevin Owens vs Sami Zayn
Zayn needs a new theme song, because this one is far too happy and upbeat for an angry bad guy. Hahaha he introduces Logan Paul and the booing starts immediately, but are quickly replaced with some totally real cheering. During the match, we constantly cut to Logan Paul "reacting" to the action.

Back and forth, back and forth. Crazy moves here and there. It always seems these days that when real friends wrestle each other, they try to hurt each other best they can.

Winner = Kevin Owens via pinfall following a Stunner.
7/10

Corey Graves complains about Kevin Owens ruining the night for Sami Zayn. Logan Paul congratulates Owens, so Zayn gets up in his face. Paul pushes him and mocks him as he leaves. The crowd boo Logan Paul some more and Owens is like 'don't touch me' and gives him a stunner to rousing cheers.

Matt Riddle talks to The Great Khali backstage. Riddle talks like an absolute fucking moron. If Khali just slapped him down now, it would be the WrestleMania highlight of his career.

WWE Shop. Old Spice. Manther? I don't even know anymore.

Three weeks ago, Sheamus beat Matt Riddle with his scooter. Fuck yeah!

WWE US Championship
Matt Riddle (c) vs Sheamus
How is it Sheamus has been living in the USA for so long, and is yet still so gawdam white? My tolerance for this show is fading fast, and douchnozzlesupremes like Matt Riddle are not helping. Sheamus botches a top rope move that almost hurt Riddle - do it again! That said, the ending was pretty cool.

Winner = Sheamus via pinfall following that gif.
3/10

New Champion!

Baron Corbin needs a Snickers to sort out his costume problems. What, he is going to wear the Snickers wrapper instead?

Out in front of some bad green screen on the street somewhere, Triple HHH gives Bad Bunny an ugly microphone. That was his payment for WrestleMania?

WrestleMania Sunday has a different theme song. Don't worry - it sounds a lot like last night's.

Video Package
Big E won the Intercontinental Championship to the excitement of many computer screens in attendance. Apollo wants respect because he comes from Nigerian royalty. Dude should be hanging out with Israel Adesanya and Kamaru Usman, if that's his story. Big E thinks coming from Florida makes him a better person. Seriously.
4/10

Nigerian Drum Fight
WWE Intercontinental Championship
Big E (c) vs Apollo
Yet again, a no disqualification match with a silly name - and some African drums and shit around the ring. They beat each other with Kendo sticks, which I do not believe are Nigerian drums. Graves compares all the instruments to a concert by The Who. I'm not their biographer, but I don't recall them using congas and assorted African percussion. Big E has it won, but then some massive dude comes out and destroys him.

Winner = Apollo via pinfall following some other dude smashing Big E for him.
7/10

New Champion!

It felt like the match was only just getting started, but it was fun while it lasted.

We get some "highlights" of last night's WrestleMania. There's a whole bunch of footage of Bianca Belair celebrating with her husband that they didn't air last night.

Get the COVID vaccine like WWE Superstars! Well, a few of them. Probably only the five that appeared in this PSA .

'Stone Cold' Steve Austin will be at WrestleMania in Texas. Good for him.

2021 Hall of Fame.
Molly Holly is still super cute. Ozzy Osborne went in, but not Nigel Tufnel? Eric Bischoff was also inducted, which explains why he's backstage with Hulk Hogan plugging his podcast. And Kane was the headliner? He can hang out with Donald Trump and Kid Rock in the RIGHT-wing hurdy hurr.

Video Package
Asuka has done it all in WWE - including losing to Charlotte Flair. Rhea Ripley has also lost to Charlotte Flair, so that means she's ready for Asuka. They had a contract signing that ended with fisitcuffs. I'm shocked.
5/10

Raw Women's Championship
Asuka (c) vs Rhea Ripley
There is some shitty band to play for Ripley's entrance and holy shit! Is the singer even in time? Holy fuck I AM DYING HERE! Finally some entertainment! They have some fast action to start. Asuka gets in some dancing and seems to be enjoying herself. She misses her butt attack. Twice. Ripley kinda taunts her, but she is not very good at trash talk. Eventually, Asuka turns it around. She finally lands the butt attack. I would think Asuka kicking a woman in the chest would hurt a lot, but apparently not enough.

Winner = Rhea Ripley via pinfall following Riptide
6/10

New Champion!

Has Asuka even won a match at WrestleMania? WWE don't deserve her.

We get a recap of the Orton/Fiend nonsense from the start of the show because things were getting enjoyable again.

Titus O'Neil and Hulk Hogan come out to do some actual hosting. Titus says "Thank You" to everyone, so Bayley interrupts again. She wants pyro and the WWE production crew oblige - that's all it takes? She complains about having to carry the hosting duties and on one hand I'm like, yeah I guess she did appear more than the actual hosts, but on the other hand it doesn't sound like that was her job. And what else was she going to do? The Bella Twins come out and Bayley shuts them down straight away. They beat her up for making a John Cena joke and the crowd boo. Hahahaha.

There are shitty WWE shows on the shitty WWE Network which is now part of Peacock. Which is probably shitty, too.

Video Package
Edge won the Royal Rumble and challenged Roman Reigns, but somehow Daniel Bryan got involved. Roman Reigns is as boring as ever: head of the table, tribal chief, blah blah blah. Daniel Bryan kind of beat him but Edge cost him the match. That makes no sense. He could have had a match against Daniel Bryan instead!
7/10

Main Event
Triple Threat Match
WWE Universal Championship
Daniel Bryan vs Edge vs Roman Reigns (c) (w/Paul Heyman & Jey Uso)
Holy moly Edge is quite over with this crowd! Uso takes out Daniel Bryan right away, because that is how WWE triple threat matches have to work. Then Edge beats up Uso and he has to be taken to the back, so that means Uso will come back at the end and help Reigns win, because that's how WWE matches always have to work. Edge just throws Reigns in the ring apron and then the barrier, over and over again. The crazy bug-eyed look Edge does is so silly; it's not like he follows it up by going for some sort of crazy killer move - he just does something super basic every time. Hahaha he and Reigns spear each other at the same time like a video game. Daniel Bryan gets a "Yes" lock on Reigns, and Heyman's reactions are just hilarious.

Reigns powerbombs Bryan on Edge and one of them can be heard comically moaning. The crowd chants "Roman Sucks" and he gets all sad-face about it. I thought he was supposed to be a tough angry man? Edge spears him outside so now everyone is dead. Does anyone have a Money in the Bank briefcase they could cash in right now? Ummm ouch?

Bahahaha even more ouch!

Reigns should have tapped so we could have double champions right now. Edge beats everyone with a chair - see, this is where you should use your silly bug-eye look. He sets up a double con-chairto and oh look - here comes Jey Uso to interfere!

Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall on BOTH Edge and Daniel Bryan after bashing their heads with a chair.
6/10

I think Daniel Bryan vs Edge would have been a better match.

Pyro. Posing. Fuck you. Good night.

WrestleMania XXXVII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Big E vs Apollo
   It wasn't anything special, but it was fun while it lasted. I would have said Owens/Zayn, but Logan Paul being involved is a big no.
2. Worst Match
   Randy Orton vs The Fiend
   I don't know what's more insane; that someone thought Alexa Bliss having black goo ooze all over her face was good storytelling, or that the crowd were actually chanting "holy shit" like it was awesome or something.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Fucked if I know. Shayna Baszler's knees?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Goto #2.
5. Star of the Show
   There are no stars in this company.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Bad Bunny? He was pretty much the main talking-point all night.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Logan Paul and his shitty self doing nothing but bad acting.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Today I rocked another couple of flavours: first, vege chicken strips, baked, with a salad base and burger sauce. Then a Hoki filet with salad and Burger sauce. Good times were had by my taste buds. There was not enough Pepsi in the world to get me through some of this...
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   The nice hoodie was put away and I'm glad as there were a couple of spills, but I am now in my Easter pyjamas, so it's all good.
10. Overall Score
    Fuck... I don't know. It started horribly, got better before getting painfully boring, and the wrong people kept winning. The main event was predictable. Maybe they should have had Bayley as host?
    4 out of 10