24 July 1993
All Seasons Arena
Minot, North Dakota - USA
The UWF is back, baby!
From what I gather from the world of the interwebs, this was a show taped for television, but never aired. Considering how bad some of the stuff is that previously DID air, I am excited at the prospect of this one...
We open with some local sports show promoting UWF Rampage, including footage of the press conference where Herb claims he is bringing respectability back to pro wrestling! There is some "hotly anticipated grudge match 7 years in the making"... between 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray and some nobody.
'The Golden Greek' John Tolos is with some schmo on commentary and immediately tells us there are "a lot of dykes" in this town. Repeatedly. Yeeeesh. This other commentator is Carlo and he is the new UWF Commissioner.
"This is the UWF! The wrestling federation for the real wrestling fans!"
Randy 'Gusto' Gus vs Mr. Outrageous
HOLY SHIT HERB LISTENED TO MY BOOKING ADVICE and Mr. Outrageous comes out with a skateboard!
However, his entrance music is
Surfin' USA, which makes ZERO fucking sense. But then, it is the UWF, so it makes all the sense. Carlo thinks Gus is scared to meet with Mr. Outrageous - good lord, this guy is clearly going to be great! He thinks getting the crowd to support him "must be a strategy he's had for a while".
Tolos: "This is where you make your name - the UWF!" I mean, sure a bunch of wrestlers that already had names went and got jobs at better places. The referee gets knocked down, so Mr. Outrageous hits Gus with his skateboard.
Winner = Mr. Outrageous via skateboard attack.He immediately puts his sunglasses back on. This show is off to a very UWF kind of start.
Tolos: "The woods are filled with nice guys." WTF??? They try for a replay, but that's too much to ask of this technical team.
Herb is back to interviewing wrestlers after the matches. He calls Mr. Outrageous a fraud. Mr. Outrageous wants to fight 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray. No! Go after Sunny Beach! Herb insults him some more and then is all "Don't come near me or I'll get Steve Ray... and he'll kick your ass!". Fucking coward. Then he asks the crowd to cheer for Mr. Outrageous??
The Killer Bees are backstage posing for photos or something. It sounds like Herb is coaching them on shooting a promo. B. Brian Blair kicks things off with some buzzing and Jim Brunzell almost starts laughing. They are here to beat up The Black Harts and make lots of money. Pretty sure only one of those things is possible in this company. They decide to try a different take - Blair wants to practice buzzing some more. This one starts out somewhat better, but Brunzell gets on some trip about them being homeless? THIRD TIME - no, wait, let's go for a FOURTH attempt. Brunzell looks totally over it now, but he makes some jokes about drugs so LET'S TRY IT AGAIN. Oh wait - now they're trying some sort of anti-drug promo? Some rude bitch starts yelling and totally ruins this take. Be a leader and just say "No"!
Now we're back at the UWF Press Conference? It's actually just Herb, Carlo and some other random dude. Hey wait - 'Cowboy' Bob Orton is the Southern States Champion again? Herb is unhappy about Carlo being appointed the UWF Commissioner - then why did you hire him? How do you have a "Board of Directors" if you are "the sole stock-holder"? It is heavily implied that Carlo is representing some type of mafia family, but Herb hates him and says in a few weeks he'll be out of a job. Haha you all will be! 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray joins the festivities. He says that the UWF is different from the WWF and WCW because there is a lot less entertainment BAHAHAHAHA. He calls the random dude a "fat slob" and decides to interview him. Fatty is a former musician? Cool story. Aren't we all? He brags about being able to yell loudly. Seriously. Herb points out that 'Wild Thing' and Bob Orton are on the cover of videos, and The Warlord is not. Fat Crab Man says not even Herb can beat The Warlord and some dude in the crowd bursts out laughing. Fat Crab Man is now angry, so knocks over the table and storms out. 'Wild Thing' threatens to leave the UWF if Carlo stays. Yeah, that's a pretty easy choice for me...
'Wild Thing' Steve Ray is drunk and checking out the people in town or something. He calls them "in-breeders". He is trying to promote and advertise the UWF "the best he can" by shouting abuse and mocking them?? He then says staring at a woman's butt is more important. He challenges some little kids to a fight or something. He says he is fighting Mr. Outrageous tonight, but he also claims he has like three championships or something, so... you know, he's drunk.
This is like Herb's home video of making the show or something.
The Fat Crab Man is getting ready backstage or something. His name is "Zoots Rift". I now know this because he says "What's my name? Zoots Rift!" about 50 times. He is also "the manager of champions". He is destined to rule the universe with his golden crab.
"Todd from Minnesota" starts a promo... but then Herb is just like 'Kid... stop!'. Then Herb kicks a lot of people out of the room and gets super grumpy. He's trying to coach this kid like he's some sort of promo expert and I really wish I could hear it all.
'Wild Thing' Steve Ray and his flowing locks are back! He has issues with Mr. Outrageous and wants to fight him for the UWF Championship or something. He cuts another promo with a silly voice. He challenges 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams and believes their experience is now equal. In his next take, he thinks he is in the World Wrestling Federation. BAHAHAHA this dude.
Herb Introduces 'Cowboy' Bob Orton as the UWF Intercontinental Champion. Huh? Orton thinks he is bigger than The Warlord. One look at pictures shows he has been misinformed.
Tolos describes The Warlord as being 6'5" and 320 pounds and then states he's the biggest guy in the world. That's bigger than Orton, but there are definitely people bigger than that.
Carlo: "We've had some exciting action so far.". I've only seen one match, you bastards. And lots of 'Wild Thing' and Fat Crab Man. Tolos randomly decides to tell us he hates referees.
The Killer Bees vs The New Mysterious Black Harts
Carlo: "Tell me, what is a Black Hart, John?"
Tolos: "Let me tell you, a Black Hart... has got a black heart!"
Tolos says The Bees are not his kind of guys and starts calling The Black Harts "motorcycle guys". Then declares them his type of guys. At least the man is consistent. Carlo doesn't know their names, so Tolos tells him they are "Mr. & Mrs. Black Hart to you!". I'm confused; at the press conference, Carlo was being painted as a cartoon mafia villain, yet he's been nothing but the good guy on commentary. We finally get some heat on the Bees and Tolos is VERY happy! But then they get the hot tag and Tolos thinks the match should be stopped immediately.
Winners = The Killer Bees via dropkick elbow combo
Carlo calls that result an upset. I admire his naivety.
Herb is talking to The Killer Bees and holy shit he looks awful. B. Brian Blair wants to fight The Steiner Brothers? Jim Brunzell thinks they should be ranked #1 in the world, but Vince McMahon is holding them down or something.
'Cowboy' Bob Orton is backstage with what appears to be a replica WWF Intercontinental Championship belt.
Apparently he defeated 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff for this title - did the WWF know about this? He's pissed that he has to fight against The Warlord because the guy eats a lot.
TAKE 2: Orton thinks Zoots Rift is an "exotic oriental".
What?
Oh fuck! Here comes Zoots Rifts for a rebuttal! He says he isn't here for the respect of women or children. The Warlord is "the man of the 21st Century.". Imagine how old and bald he'll be in another 7 years...
TAKE 2: The Warlord "is water - not sand!". "The most liquid wrestler in the world!"???
Jeebus it's time for more 'Wild Thing Killing the Town' action. This time, he's at some carnival ride or something - somewhere that attracts more people than the UWF, anyway.
'Cowboy' Bob Orton is back to ramble some more. He hopes that tonight the best man wins.
TAKE 2: "Kids - stay in school and stay away from drugs!"
'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Mr. Outrageous
Mr. Outrageous comes out in a bathrobe and Carlo is like "Wow, that is a spectacular robe!".
The crowd love 'Wild Thing' - at least 80% of the 90 people in attendance are cheering for him! Tolos thinks 'Wild Thing' smells like a rose, but I'd wager he actually smells like beer. 'Wild Thing' tries to ride the skateboard and fails, but Carlo is like "Wow I couldn't do that!". I really like this guy.
'Wild Thing' and Mr. Outrageous take turns hitting each other with the skateboard, because nobody can ride it. That's unfair - perhaps the referee can?
Tolos: "Never pick your nose going over a bumpy road. That's Greek philosophy."
'Wild Thing' gets a microphone in Mr. Outrageous' face for... no reason? Didn't even ask him to sing a song or anything.
He goes for a splash, but Mr. Outrageous fucks up getting out of the way.
Then they both fuck up a sunset flip.
Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via cheating pin.Backstage Promo School
The Warlord and Zoots Rift say that Orton is crazy because he thinks he is a cowboy and cowboys are stupid. The Warlord is sick of thinking about cowboys, so he makes sure to say "cowboy" a few more times. Zoots Rift eats a cowboy hat and Warlord says "shit" and throws the microphone.
BAHAHAHA.
TAKE 2: Zoots Rift is worried The Warlord won't stop after beating Orton. The Warlord wants to fight 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams next. "It's going to be a battle, but not just a battle."
UWF Intercontinental Championship
'Cowboy' Bob Orton (c) vs The Warlord (w/Zoots Rift 'The Liquid Malamo'??)
Earlier in the show, John Tolos said The Warlord was 320 pounds. In his own promos, The Warlord said he was 310 pounds. He was just introduced by the ring announcer as weighing 360 pounds. Tolos follows this by saying he weighs 310 pounds. Someone please find a working scale. The Warlord picks up Orton and places him on the top turnbuckle, which leads to Orton going to the apron on the outside and declaring himself the winner. Okay. Oh man, this match is so slow and they're both acting like the bad guys, so the crowd give zero farts about anything. Orton is busted open somehow. The referee is down. The Warlord gets Orton in the dreaded Full Nelson and Orton goes out. Someone rings the bell... but the referee is still out.
Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via disqualification.
The crowd are... indifferent. Orton is dead. Some kid tells The Warlord to beat him up again. The referee tries to explain his decision, but it makes no sense: he says he counted out The Warlord, but then also says it is a disqualification.
The Warlord complains to Herb that this is bogus and I guess he's not wrong. Herb can't even pronounce the name of the title he has been promoting and wishes The Warlord all the best for his future.
Thoughts:
- That was mostly totally hilarious fun.
- The most interesting facet of the backstage footage/outtakes was seeing how much this crew did not enjoy working this town.
- Mr. Outrageous is awesome. May his feud with 'Wild Thing' last forever.
- Mr. Outrageous needs an equally awesome partner to feud with Wet N' Wild.
- Did Herb get in some sort of trouble that required him to make so much anti-drug material?
- Also, how much was he trying to piss of the WWF with that belt??
