Jim Kelly June Jamboree: The Tattoo Connection (1978)

THE MOVIE

We open in some sort of shipping yard, where a dude is challenging a gang. This dude is called Lee Tung Hao and he wants someone in the gang called Fat Dog to come with him, but I think the leader of the gang says Fat Dog belongs to him and they have to fight. Of course, Tung Hao wins and the gang leader is all 'Hey you are great! Fat Dog is all yours!'. Fat Dog stole money from their gang boss, Mr. Lu, and Tung Hao wants him to come back - promising him he will make sure no one kills him. It is here I will point out that this is a Hong Kong film from 1978, so all the dialogue is hilariously overdubbed with silly British accents and there are more camera zooms than can jokes I can make.

Tung Hao takes Fat Dog back to Mr. Lu's gang... and then exiles him. Makes sense.

Cue funky music!

So Mr. Lu's gang rob some dude of some diamonds. The insurance company send in an ex-CIA agent to to investigate; it's my main man Jim Kelly!

He at least has been overdubbed with an American accent and quickly gets on the trail, interviewing his buddy George - who was the guy robbed of the diamonds - and some guys that were involved in the robbery. But at every turn, Lu's gang is just one step ahead of him. Or at least... on top of him? On moving cars?

Meanwhile, Tung Hao has given the diamond to his Uncle to cut up so they can move it and make millions of dollars. Uncle predicts bad things will come from this. But he'll still cut it for money, because he's not totally stupid. His workshop is on a boat? That seems less than stable to be cutting precious stones. He also seem less than stable on the whole process:

Lucas is back on the trail - now he is investigating a tattoo found on a dead body.

He goes to a tattoo parlour and the dude tries to pretend he wasn't involved, but Lucas ain't no fool! He sends Lucas to talk to Nana, a dancer at Mr. Lu's club. And Tung Hao's secret girlfriend. She pretty much wants nothing to do with Lucas because she's racist or something. He whoops Lu's men so Tung Hao gets involved - but of course the police come before they can determine a winner. Fat dog was watching the whole thing and decides he'll help Lucas figure things out. Of course, Mr. Lu figures out Fat Dog is helping so kills him.

Lucas is getting suspicious of everyone. Tung Hao is getting fed up with Mr. Lu. Mr. Lu is being Mr. Lu, and tries to get Nana to seduce Lucas and kill him with sex. Lucas seems kinda keen on this idea, which is really odd; last time they interacted she was basically repulsed by him, but now she's all over him and getting naked in his hotel room - and he's not suspicious of that?!? Anyways, before she can give him death by snu-snu, Tung Hao busts in and takes Nana home. This, of course, makes Mr. Lu mad because now Lucas is still alive AND his top henchman has been keeping his affair secret. AND the old man on the wobbly boat still hasn't cut the diamond. I mean, you left him on a fucking boat and gave him girls to play Mahjong with - you only have yourself to blame, Lu. And has it been a week already? I mean, surely Lucas could have investigated the tattoo parlours and caught up with Nana in about a day - what else has he been doing with his time? Anyways, Mr. Lu is fed up with the old man, Tung Hao and Lucas, and sets about trying to kill them all - but I'm sure you can figure out how that works out for him.

Death by not snu-snu.

Lucas heads back to America and Tung Hao heads off to prison, though the Hong Kong police think he might be out in time for Christmas so he can spend the holidays with Lucas. Now that is a sequel I could get behind...

REACTION

Pretty much your typical 1978 Hong Kong martial arts film - which suited me quite fine, for the most part. The overdubbed voices did sound particularly silly in this one, though; I'm not quite sure who made the decision to have a big burly Chinese man sound like a cockney pirate teenager from the 13th Century, but I respect their artistic vision. I would be somewhat interested to view the movie again with the original language track, but would be quite surprised if that still existed. Can you believe this was originally promoted in Western countries as Black Belt Jones 2? I mean, Hot Potato was technically that, and it actually made less sense as the sequel.

JIM KELLY

It was a jarring hearing someone else's voice for him in this film... but, realistically, that was probably the least of the problems here. For the most part, Lucas just fumbled his investigation and got into fights. And looked cool doing it.

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Golden Needles (1974)

THE MOVIE
"In China, during the Sung Dynasty, a single golden statue was cast for the use of the Emperor. It indicated 7 forbidden acupuncture points. Used in correct sequence, they brought about extraordinary sexual vigour and youth. Used incorrectly they brought instant and painful death. Stolen, hidden, lost and rediscovered through the centuries, the statue has come to be known as The Golden Needles of Ecstasy."

And thus our film begins...
Some old dude has this statue in his possession, and contrary to the opening monologue, doesn't seem to be using it for sex, but instead it seems to be giving him strength. Where he was once feeble and confined to a wheelchair, he can now walk and move his hands like a mostly normal person. Good for him! Some dudes disagree, and raid the place with motherfucking flamethrowers! Holy shit that feels overkill. They burn everyone and everything to ground and steal the statue.

The next day, some lady is wanting to buy the statue from the bad dudes - who seem to run a legitimate business, like all good bad dudes should. But they've decided she isn't paying enough, and... her neck isn't colourful enough?

So instead, she decides to use the money she was going to pay them to hire someone to steal it for her. She's introduced to Dan, a loser American living his best (worst?) life in Hong Kong. He agrees to do it for $30,000 and sex. What? So he steals the statue and gives it to his friend to ship to America for her, while he gets his 'payment'. Yuck. Of course, the bad guys know him - he's a goofy white dude in Hong Kong in 1974 and is a known fixture in the gambling parlours and shit. His plan sucked. Anyways, bad guys kill his business partner and tell him he has to get the statue back, so he follows the lady to America. And who is waiting for him at the airport? Why, of course - it's my main man Jim Kelly!

Jeff (Jim Kelly) is Dan's friend and another antiques expert or something. They go to Dan's hotel and his lady from Hong Kong is in his bathtub having a bubble bath. It's here I realise I have no fucking clue what is going on or what dimension this movie is in. Once she gets dressed, they go visit her boss - the guy she was supposed to be buying the statue for. It's Burgess Meredith! And he's completely fucking off his rocker! He gave her $300,000 to buy the statue and he still doesn't have it, so he tells the three of them they have 24 hours to bring it to him or he'll disintegrate them. Also the bad dude that she tried to buy the statue from is... in the dining room? Oh, he and Burgess Meredith are in cahoots. So he knows she ripped him off - because she was going to pay this dude $100,000 and keep the rest for herself. And also doesn't make a lot of sense. 

Anyways, they find the statue and get it to him in time... except it turns out to be a fake, and subsequently kills his bodyguard for trying the needles first. That's why being a gentlemen and letting others go before you is smart. So, Dan has to head back to Hong Kong (sans Jeff - maybe they didn't have the budget to pay for Jim Kelly's flights?) and ends up running across Hong Kong being chased by... well, half of Hong Kong. Which is pretty remarkable, considering this dude is clearly not in the best physical shape. Other than round.

Dan kills the bad Asian dude, some Government agents take the statue, and Dan and his lady crook live happily ever after. Until Burgess Meredith finds out about all this, I guess...

REACTION

This was one gonzo ride! This was the third Robert Clouse film I've watched this week (he also directed Enter the Dragon and Black Belt Jones). Shit got crazier each movie. None of this was nearly as crazy as the other Robert Clouse movie I've seen (Game of Death), but this was pretty close. It just seemed to flitter between serious noir and B-grade nonsense, while the actors continued to play it straight. Except for Burgess Meredith, who just used his 15 minutes to go off the chain! However, I just don't get the stuff between Dan and the lady; like, she ripped him off, and her boss, and is directly responsible for Dan's mentor in Hong Kong being murdered and Dan and Jeff being caught up in all this. Yet he's smitten with her for the entire movie. Again; her boss gave her $300,000 to buy the statue. The evil Asian dude offered it to her for $250,000. That's still $50,000 profit for her. AND a lot of people would still be alive. Selfish bitch.

JIM KELLY

I actually quite enjoyed him as the foil to the all-round 'meh' that was the main character. And he got in some fun karate fighting when given the opportunity (which wasn't nearly enough); when they found the statue, it was in some fancy health club - which led to a wacky karate fight with bad guys throughout the club. If there was a room in this building, Jim Kelly was going to whoop a bad guy in there and be told to get out by some old white guy!

And then Jim Kelly's character just... disappears. I can only assume Burgess Meredith hired him to be his new bodyguard/best friend and they started their own antiques store together.

A somewhat fun and bizarre adventure that is as baffling as it is annoying. I do recommend... someone ups Robert Clouse's medication before he makes a movie with the worst Bruce Lee photoshop jobs in cinema history.

Too late!

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Black Belt Jones (1974)

THE MOVIE
We open with the mafia wacking some undercover agent/informant and disposing of him and some incriminating photos in some old wine barrels or something. I'm sure this will play into things later...

Meanwhile, some other old dude is giving a speech. He must be promoting peace or something, because my main man Jim Kelly heads out to make sure the parking lot is safe. And good thing he did, because out there are a bunch of bad guys that need some whooping!

Jim Kelly is our titular hero - Black Belt Jones - and he gets bored of punching these dudes in the junk, so just shoots the last one in the butt. Black Belt Jones is cool.

CUE SUPER FUNKY THEME MUSIC

The Man is making an offer to Black Belt Jones; they've lost four agents trying to infiltrate Don Steffano's mafia operations and they want Jones to be the fourth. Jones, however, is not about to go on a suicide mission for The Man and suggests they pretend it's the ghetto - then they can just send in the tanks! Black Belt Jones knows where he comes from.

Next, we are treated to some vigilantes attacking a dude named "Pinky" in his pool hall; they are sick of him pushing drugs on the street, but Pinky and his thugs get the upperhand. So now you know Pinky is a bad dude. Turns out, he's in cahoots with the mafia, and the henchmen from earlier come pay him a visit. He owes Don Steffano $250K, and to pay off that debt, he needs to get Papa Byrd to sell his karate dojo to the mafia so Don Steffano can make millions on some property development.

Papa Byrd owes Pinky $1,000 in gambling or something, so he figures this will be easy. I'm not an expert on inflation, but I'm pretty sure a building in 1974 cost more than $1,000. Anyways, he hits up Papa Byrd and says that IOU is actually for $11,000 (oooh he's really sneaky, adding a 1 in front like that!). Papa Byrd tells him to step off, and then he and his karate students give Pinky and his boys a beat down. Movie over! Good guys win!

But no! He comes back with some meaner dudes and beats up everyone at the karate school. So the head teacher calls in Papa Byrd's finest student - Black Belt Jones! He comes down and gives everyone a whooping.

Alas, Papa Byrd learns nothing and go gets himself killed by Pinky and his gang, so they come down to the dojo to collect on the IOU - which has now been changed to $41,000. This dude is smart, the way he keeps changing numbers! But the dojo has been willed to Papa Byrd's only daughter and she has no interest in selling to Pinky. And of course, she also turns out to be a karate master. Her and Black Belt Jones whoop the bad guys, then the bad guys whoop the good guys when Jones and her are not around

and then Jones decides to use his brain as well as his fists, and teams up with a group of young trampolining girls he's been training (did I mention them earlier? I'm guessing he was specifically training them to use their trampoline skills in his undercover missions) to steal money from Don Steffano, then pay Pinky with it, so when Pinky pays Don Steffano the $250K he owes him, it's his own money. 

The bad guys only fall for it for about 5 minutes, and eventually everyone has a big rumble at the car wash! And by everyone, I mean Black Belt Jones vs Pinky, his gang and the entire mafia. 

REACTION
Look, I am not one to just throw around strong words for a laugh, so please believe me when I say... bah gawd THIS IS A PERFECT MOVIE! Non-stop action (seriously, when people aren't throwing down, there is a car chase thrown in for fun), hilarious dialogue, a funky soundtrack and fantastic characters; you've got mafia dudes with thick accents and names like Big Tuna and Don Steffano, like they're straight out of an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then you've got a crazy old man with a gambling problem who is running a karate dojo, when he can barely throw a kick - and he's none other than Scatman Crothers, AKA the voice of Hong Kong Phooey! You've got a serious badass woman in the supporting lead role. Okay, sure, she throws around homophobic slurs like she throws karate chops, but she whoops the bad guys and never gets in the way or anything. And then there is Black Belt Jones...

JIM KELLY
Now this is the movie that made me a fan. He's clearly having a lot of fun in this movie - and why not? He's like some sort of Afro-American James Bond; The Man wants him to work for them, but he's too smart for that bullshit, he has some great lines all over the place, he looks good and he gets to stay true to himself - again just hanging with regular folk and helping them against bad dudes. Also, he straight up whoops all the butts in this movie. I'm pretty sure he only got punched once or twice in the whole thing - that's a pretty good ratio, considering I think the UFC statisticians had him throwing something like 2,100 significant strikes over the duration of the film.

Instead of gifs and pics, I just want to buy you all a copy of the movie on DVD to watch. Black Belt Jones is the best.

Jim Kelly was the man!

Jim Kelly June Jamboree

Jim Kelly was cool.

After becoming a world champion in Karate, Mr. Jim Kelly would go on to star in many action movies throughout the 1970s, where he would whoop the bad guys and charm the ladies, while showing off his impressive martial arts skills and rocking an iconic afro. He inspired African-Americans to take up martial arts, his image became iconic and his influence can still be seen today in pop culture. He also supported community causes. AND was a professional tennis player!

Jim Kelly was cool.

Now, I will admit that I have not actually seen a great deal of his movies. But I do have a t-shirt with his image displayed on the front, which I wear with pride. And the films that I have seen, I've enjoyed immensely. African-American badass karate expert that fights against the man? Count me in. Four times a week, in fact. Because this month, to commemorate the 10th anniversary of his passing, I will be watching four Jim Kelly movies each week. And bLogging about it. Maybe. Because I haven't done any sort of movie reviews for quite some time, and I think it might be fun. Well, it will be for me. So it's time to throw on my Jim Kelly t-shirt, make a hot chocolate, and pay tribute to the coolest karate cat of the 70s.

Because Jim Kelly was cool.