2 April 2022
AT&T Stadium
Dallas, Texas - USA
Attendance: 65,719
Commentators: Michael Cole, Pat McAfee, Jimmy Smith, Corey Graves & Byron Saxton
My thoughts before this viewing:
I'm back again! It's Easter Sunday - the day of the resurrection! Which is appropriate, because my bLogging of WrestleMania feels a lot like a zombie just scouring the Earth looking for something that might be interesting. And I have no brain for doing this.
Anyway, what's in store for me today? Ronda Rousey returns! Cody Rhodes possibly returning, too! And Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns for the 100th time, except this time it's to unify the two world titles. I'm actually interested! What I'm not interested in is the sheer length of this nonsense; I've actually finally caved and will be skipping the pre-shows from now on. I mean, I don't bLog about them and they are a colossal waste of time anyways, but if WWE want to make them TWO FUCKING HOURS LONG and then have WrestleMania go for another FOUR hours, and then multiply that over TWO FUCKING NIGHTS... yeah, Fuck y'all. Also, the pre-shows are usually so terrible, contain no actual matches and are just filled with annoying people that it immediately makes me hate WrestleMania before it even begins!
On that note...
NIGHT ONE
America the Beautiful
Bradley Gilbert is awful. The dudes singing harmony are even worse. This is like hard rock country wannabe? Or country hard rock wannabe? Either way, I wannabe dead.
2/10
Opening Video Package
Mark Wahlberg tells the wrestlers to "catch some greatness". Oh no, I misunderstood - his plea was for "WrestleMania Saturday" to catch the greatness. Because the wrestlers don't matter. You know, they could actually use this opening video to hype some of the matches instead of just pretending WrestleMania is the greatest invention in the history of history.
3/10
"Stupendous" is the word of the night, apparently. They claim there are over 70,000 people in attendance, which is probably a lie. And not even that great of a lie, when you consider they had over 100,000 people last time they were in this stadium. Y'all should just lie big and claim 200,000 people.
The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are going to open the show? Skipping the pre-show isn't going to help much. Fuck this show.
Rick Boogs plays guitar. Pat McAffee parties on the commentary table.
Stupendous.
Hey, Boogs - your guitar needs tuning. Badly. There is a recap from an earlier episode of Smackdown, where Boogs pretended to be injured to... get a title shot? Plays out of tune guitars, screams in falsetto, pretends to be injured - Boogs might actually be the best thing in WWE today!
Smackdown Tag-Team Championship
Shinsuke Nakamura & Rick Boogs (w/out of tune guitar) vs Jimmy & Jey Uso (c)
Oh, what a shock - the Uso's are the tag-team champions at WrestleMania! McAfee can't be bothered with the Uso first names, so I immediately like this guy. He says stupendous another 10 times, so he immediately lost that goodwill. Cole has absolutely nothing to talk about, so he just lists all the championships Nakamura has won... then does it all over again a couple of minutes later. Then tells us Lesnar vs Reigns is "the biggest main event in WrestleMania history". Clearly, Michael Cole is invested in this match. Boogs does some weird suplex where he drops to a knee and goes back up. Why? Oh, now he's really injured?
Winners = Jimmy & Jey Uso via pinfall following the old Dudley Boys' finisher because they are that void of anything interesting.
6/10
Michael Cole says something about Texas being Metroplex. I must have missed that part in The Transformers: The Movie.
Video Package
Baron Corbin used to be sad, because he lost all his money. He couldn't get in the arena to wrestle for WWE. How does being poor mean you no longer get security clearance for your job? Do the wrestlers have to pay to enter? Actually, that wouldn't surprise me... He was prepared to quit wrestling, but then he won millions of dollars at the casino - so now he is very happy. And used his winnings to buy a best friend? Holy shit - this is actually hilarious! The new happy friends beat up Drew McIntyre at some WWE show and stole his sword. McIntyre went from winning the championship at WrestleMania, to losing the championship at WrestleMania, to fighting BARON CORBIN in one of the opening/meaningless matches.
8/10
Moss won the Andre the Giant Battle Royal, which I guess has been permanently moved to the Smackdown before WrestleMania, justifying my decision to drop the pre-shows from my viewing experience. Because seriously, what is the point of a TWO FUCKING HOUR pre-show if there are no matches? Corbin is winning, so of course that means he gets into an argument with Moss, which leads to McIntyre turning things around. McIntyre does his big dive over the top rope - mind your wang!!! Corbin gets a two count and is very NOT happy hur hur hur.
Winner = Drew McIntyre via pinfall following a claymore kick.
6/10
Corbin will be even less happy now.
Moss tries to get in the ring, but McIntyre chops the ropes with his sword and there are some explosion noises. Then he visits the commentary table and Pat McAfee is on his phone hahaha.
Some dude talked shit to his girlfriend about Sheamus in private, but she totally sold him out and now he's offering Sheamus a Snickers. I guess this is better than previous years...
WrestleMania t-shirts are discounted more than last year. Uglier, too.
Video Package
Rey Mysterio teaming with his son, Dominik, is a dream come true. The Miz needed a new tag-team partner, because John Morrison got fired yet again. So he chose the only person possibly more unlikeable than himself in Logan Paul. This is easily the worst tag-team in the history of history.
4/10
And to think, I was actually enjoying this show...
Rey & Dominik Mysterio (not his real surname) vs The Miz & Logan Paul
Rey is repping the Mexico flag and Dominik is flying the colours of the USA... because he hates his heritage? Corey Graves just turned up on commentary because I needed all my least favourite people in one place. Logan Paul does some punches and high jumps, and Graves actually compares him to The British Bulldog. Oh, fuck you very much! How did Jimmy Smith go from calling MMA with Bellator and the UFC, to selling this nonsense? Logan Paul pulls off Eddie Guerrero's signature moves because WWE can't stop milking the man's career. Apparently The Miz tagged himself in when Logan Paul was in the middle of the ring?
3/10
The Miz attacks Logan Paul to thunderous applause. I guess these two must now feud. They can do it all year, for all I care - I won't see any of it!
Stephanie McMahon comes out to greet the crowd because she thinks she is her Dad. I mean, she does surely suck as well. She introduces some American dude that will be a future WWE "superstar". I care more about this ad for Young Rock, and I gave up on that after episode 3.
Video Package
Bianca Belair won the Raw Women's Championship at WrestleMania last year, and it was a big deal. Such a big deal, that WWE had her lose the title 4 months later to Becky Lynch in like 20 seconds. WWE sure know how to book stars! Belair gave Lynch a haircut. And that's how she earned her rematch? She comes across like a really sore loser.
5/10
Raw Women's Championship
Bianca Belair vs Becky Lynch (c)
So what Lynch's name now? Big Time Becks? And her gimmick is thinking she's Walmart Lady GaGa?
The champion gets to stand in the ring while Belair has a marching band perform her entrance.
Honestly, the commentators really need to try shutting up for a couple of minutes during these big entrances - it would help them across as something special. Belair offers a handshake, but Lynch is like 'fuck you' and almost pins her in 10 seconds hahaha. Really, what they should have done was have Belair get revenge by pinning Lynch in 10 seconds - it would have been a great story. Instead, they have Lynch just beat the shit out of Belair for like 10 minutes. What kind of crazy person does a 450 splash from the middle turnbuckle? Lynch botches her finisher or something, but the commentators just pretend it was some innovative version of a dropkick. Sure thing, guys.
Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following DVD/KOD thing
5/10
New Champion!
There is some new series on the WWE Network/Peacock/Torrenting sites about bad guys in wrestling - but only talking to modern pro-wrestlers, like they know anything about being proper bad guys in pro-wrestling.
Video Package
Seth Rollins couldn't get a match at WrestleMania. Old POS Vince is like 'I'll give you a match, but your opponent will be a surprise!'. It's going to be Cody Rhodes, so it will only be a surprise if Seth Rollins managed to stay off the internet for a couple of months. He's a twitter addict, so I'm guessing not likely. And why would this be so important to him? He already earns megabucks - regardless of performing at WrestleMania or not - and it's not like this will be for a title or anything.
2/10
(Not Really a) Surprise Wrestler Cody Rhodes vs Seth Rollins
Rollins is introduced by a glee club or something. And he's actually being billed as "Seth 'Freakin' Rollins"? Whoa, baby, that is dumb. The surprise wrestler should have been Vince McMahon himself - I would have laughed a lot. But, shockingly, it is Cody Rhodes. What actually is a surprise is that he's still using his AEW theme song. AND still has that gawdawful neck tattoo.
Cole: "No one at AT&T Stadium can believe it!" - is that why the crowd were chanting his name before his music hit?
Cole: "Rhodes has been competing at the highest level his entire career recently."
What?
AND THEN the commentators start acting like he's been retired for the last six years instead of wrestling all over the world and helping start the second biggest pro-wrestling promotion in the USA. Guys, it's not like he was in the UWF. Or fucking TNA. How did Rhodes not get disqualified for kicking Rollins in the balls? And how is Rollins totally okay? Rhodes hits his finisher but only gets a 2-count and the commentators absolutely bury the man for not getting the win HAHAHAHA. Rollins hits the Pedigree and I actually thought that might be the end, because I could imagine winning with The H Bomb's finisher would help HHH feel like he won the match vicariously. Holy shit Rhodes is just covered in welts and bruises. He imitates his Dad, sans polka dots this time, and it's honestly the feelgood spot of the night.
Winner = Cody Rhodes via pinfall following THREE crossroads
8/10
That was good shit.
2022 Hall of Fame
The Steiner Brothers were inducted? They should have been the headliners. Especially when they were inducted alongside other such illustrious pro-wrestling legends as... Booker T's wife. Yeah, okay there was also Vader. And The Undertaker. You know, it's actually funny how that dude spent like 30 years protecting his character and the last couple of years have exposed why - because he's actually a complete douchebag.
Pat McAfee is actually some sort of NFL player? But he always dreamed of becoming a pro-wrestler and has even been training for a few years. So tomorrow night he will make his pro-wrestling debut at WrestleMania Sunday.
We're... we're really calling them WrestleMania Saturday and Sunday now?
Michael Cole informs us Rick Boogs tore his knee and will require surgery. What a WrestleMania moment he'll never forget!
Video Package
Charlotte Flair thinks she's tougher than Ronda Rousey, because WWE wrestlers and their fans forget this shit has scripted winners. "My legacy is bigger than yours" is really the argument you want to make to hype a match? Rousey guarantees to make Flair tap-out. It's Charlotte Flair, so I guarantee that will never happen.
4/10
Smackdown Women's Championship
Ronda Rousey vs Charlotte Flair (c)
No Joan Jett? Or caring from the crowd? Ronda with some back and forth to start. The crowd seem kinda split. And rather dead. I don't know if it's because she looks like her Dad, but Flair seriously looks and moves like she's about 50 years-old. We finally get some drama as they exchange bad submission holds. Flair goes for the figure-four. Rousey reverses it and tries for an armbar. Flair reverses that and goes for another figure-four, then turns it into the figure-eight. Now they're trading bad near-falls - they should have stuck to bad submissions. Of course we get a referee bump, so Flair taps out and no one sees it (except for the crowd and the people watching at home and the other referees). You're using a referee that is legit close friends with Ric Flair to the point he even imitated him for a time in WCW and was his sidekick called "Lil' Natche" who helped Ric Flair win matches. I can't imagine a reputable commission would allow such a conflict.
Winner = Charlotte Flair via pinfall like you were expecting anything else?
3/10
Bahahaha welcome back, Ronda Rousey! WWE gonna WWE, I guess.
Bobby Lashley tells us WWE is where he was always meant to be. Except for those years he wrestled for other companies after quitting WWE because of racism?
Pitbull provided tonight's theme song. Do people actually listen to Pitbull when he makes music without Enrique Iglesias?
There will be matches tomorrow night on "WrestleMania Sunday", including another 4-way women's tag-team match. Faaaark I might just delete my whole hard drive now.
Video Package
The worst Metallica music video you will ever see.
2/10
Next year, WrestleMania will be in Hollywood. Will it be WrestleMania Monday as well?
Video PackageKevin Owens Mac hates Texas. So he's the good guy, right?? He called out 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin because he stole Austin's finishing move? Austin is like 'All I gotta do is turn up, talk nonsense for half an hour and hit you with a Stunner? Fuck yeah - pay me!'. Why are they playing Kid Rock here? He's not from Texas. But he sure does suck as much as Texas.
5/10
Main Event
The KO Show featuring 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
Our main event is actually going to be talking segment? And it's actually going to last 40 minutes??
No Holds Barred
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs Kevin Owens
This is a stupid idea. They trade right hands and then Austin SLOWLY stomps Owens Mac. He takes a beer and then SLOWLY stomps him some more. He knocks back (i.e. spills all over himself) beer #2. He's already old and slow - not sure how being drunk will improve things? Owens Mac actually gets in some offense, but it doesn't involve anything like making Austin actually take a wrestling move. Owens Mac pulls out a table; WWE laws mean he will be the one going through that. They brawl in the crowd and OH FUCK ME Owens Mac just suplexed Austin on the floor. Colour me fucking surprised; Austin is 60 and has had multiple neck surgeries - he shouldn't be doing this shit. Austin gets beers #3 to #5. Owens Mac tries to steal Austin's ATV. Pretty sure that would get you killed in Texas. So Austin throws Owens Mac on said ATV and takes him for a drive up the ramp. That would be considered drunk and dangerous driving anywhere else in the world. Beers #6 & #7. Corey Graves plugs Austin's beer label for him. It can't be that great, because Austin keeps spitting it everywhere. Owens Mac hits a Stunner. Austin kicks out. Owens Mac swings a chair and it bounces off the ropes back into his own face. Austin with the Stunner.
Winner = 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin via pinfall following Stone Cold Stunner
7/10
Fuck it - it was a stupid idea, but I'll be damned if it wasn't entertaining.
Austin gets more beers and now I've lost count. Owens Mac gets up aaaaand gets another Stunner. I can't belive Owens Mac got to live out CM Punk's dream - pretty fucking spiteful of WWE, but this is the company that officially fired him on his wedding day, so WWE gotta WWE. Also, hell of a reason to make a dude re-sign with your company. No wonder Cody Rhodes came back. Maybe he'll get to avenge someone that betrayed his Father in WWE history... like... Sapphire?
Of course, Byron Saxton - proving WWE employees have never watched a WWE show in their lives - gets in the ring, hoping to share a beer with Steve Austin. Which means he also gets a Stunner. And bounces and flops around the ring like an electrocuted eel. Steve Austin's brother gets in the ring to share a beer with Austin aaaaaand... he doesn't get a Stunner. They drink/spill beer together and that's it for now!
WrestleMania XXXVIII: The Awards
- Best Match
Cody Rhodes vs Seth Rollins
I thought it had great action and the crowd reaction to Cody's return was pretty awesome. Also, it felt like a bit of a WWE vs AEW match. - Worst Match
Ronda Rousey vs Charlotte Flair
I mean it wasn't terrible, but it was pretty boring and then that ending was hilariously typical WWE... - Highlight of the Show
Maybe Cody's return? - Lowlight of the Show
Everything Logan Paul. - Star of the Show
Steve Austin. That may have been the biggest pop I have heard in pro-wrestling in like 20 years. - Best Celebrity Appearance
Were there any? Does Ronda Rousey still count? - Worst Celebrity Appearance
Logan Paul, duh. Sure, his wrestling was fine, but fuck that guy. - Tonight's Meal
Wraps featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, red onion, olives and corn fritters, topped with burger sauce. Honey mustard may have actually suited more. Decided to try some raspberry PepsiMax with the first day... - T-Shirt Cleanliness
I did not spill a thing! Which is nice because I do not wish to ruin my Easter pyjamas. - Overall Score
This was a pretty good show! There were some highs and some lows, but nothing overly awful. I was able to embrace the hilarious part of the hilariously bad, and that really helped. The booking is just WWE personified; The Uso's and Charlotte Flair retained their titles over people the crowd love and an old retired guy beat a younger guy in the main event. but I guess that's their problem. They can book the worst shows ever and still make a billion dollars sending their failure of a network to Peacock AND steal back a wrestler who helped start their biggest rival promotion. Fuck it!
6 out of 10
