UWF Fury Hour: Episode 33

UWF Fury Hour Episode 33, 17th June 1991

Yay Beach Brawl replays! While I've already seen these matches, it might be interesting to see if they've been edited any better for TV.

We get the same opening video package from The Beach Brawl - this is the way pro-wrestling used to be. Great teachers of the sport... like Captain Lou Albano.

I really don't recall when the explosion sounds were added to the opening, but bah gawd they are the best.

Craig and Bruno welcome us to "the best matches from The Beach Brawl". Craig says 'let's take a look a the show' but instead we get an ad for The Naked Gun 2 1/2 - that would be a great show. Well done, Herb!

The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs Jim Cooper & The Fire Cat
Craig tries to call Luna ugly but Bruno isn't having any of it. Craziest thing I learned from the Dark Side episode was Luna married BOTH Black Harts. There's definitely some crowd noise added for extra excitement. Shame they can't CGI some crowd. 

Winners = The Black Harts via things

I don't want to say it was edited that much better, but the added crowd noise helped it seem less boring.

Voice over guy calls The Black Harts "creeps". Okay, Edgelord.

Brian and Craig are interviewing The Black Harts and Luna Vachon... in some weird, empty office.

So it's a job interview? The Black Harts want to work backstage for the UWF? Brian tries to explain that Jim Cooper and The Fire Cat are a great tag-team - Craig is trying hard not to laugh. Luna threatens Wet N' Wild for the tag-team championship like it actually exists. Casual conversation BAHAHAHA. Craig says Luna's snake looks unhealthy and she is highly offended. The Black Harts just sit there making bird calls or something. This is getting fucking mad. Now Craig asks if she's "been thinking about the tag-titles". MOTHERFUCKER she's only mentioned them like 5 times already. He says Wet N' Wild have seen The Black Harts' faces and that they're ugly - this dude is such a shit stirrer!
Craig: "Do you ever worry about that snake choking you?"
Luna: "Do you ever worry about me spitting on you?"
Brian: "Yeah, I do kinda worry about that."

HOLY FUCKBALLS THAT WAS HILARIOUS

I wish I could share audio on here, because this Jeep ad has the best music.

Remember, fans - you can still buy the replay of The Beach Brawl! Which is why they are showing you every match on free television...

Mask Confusion vs The Power Twins
The Power Twins come to the ring carrying fly-swatters - did I notice that previously? And why is Craig making fun of them for balding? They still have a fair bit of hair and there are wrestlers on this show with much less. Hell, Bruno's hair is thinning pretty badly. Craig is a dick. It's the same boring match, except somehow Blair taking on both twins is somehow even more hilarious this time around.

Winners = Mask Confusion/The Killer Bees via deception. Decepticons? Insecticons??

Honestly, how is that BS legal?

Oh, you can even buy The Beach Brawl on VHS? And it costs more than the PPV did? Sounds like a deal!

The UWF are coming back to Florida because they haven't quite killed the territory yet.

Craig and Brian are back in their office, this time for a performance review with The Power Twins.

The Twins point out Mask Confusion/The Killer Bees/Name Confusion are cheaters. Brian calls this sour grapes, but the Twins defiantly reply they had eggs for breakfast. Apparently there will be a tag-team tournament in a few months - good luck! This company will by lucky to stage a potluck dinner by then. The Power Twins say it was a camera trick - they didn't really lose. Craig says they're now out of contention for the tag-team titles - wait, so they were top contenders, lost one match, and now they're not even considered contenders? WTF? Craig for some reason starts giving them shit about not liking snakes. Neither do you, dipshit! I didn't see you running to hug Luna's snake 10 minutes ago. Craig insults them some more, so The Power Twins insult him back and Brian is all like "another personal attack". BAHAHAHA THE FUCKING GALL

You can still buy The Beach Brawl programme because no one else did.

Captain Lou Albano wants you to call him because he's done nothing else this show and is now lonely.

You can pay to get pre-recorded silly outgoing messages for your answering machine?

Oh, we're done?

Thoughts:

• This was the about the funniest damned episode you could imagine.
• The format actually worked really well; maybe if the matches were a bit quicker it would have been perfect, but I really liked having the dedicated backstage interviews instead of Captain Lou Albano just yelling over the top of what they're trying to say.
• This past week's WCW was just Clash of the Champions XV, and while there were a couple of good matches, there were a bunch of screwy finishes and NOTHING made me laugh the way this show did. UWF WINS

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 32

UWF Fury Hour Episode 32, 10th June 1991

This was taped before The Beach Brawl but aired after, so I have no idea what they are going to talk about. Hence I stuck with aired date order and am watching after The Beach Brawl. But really, I'm expecting the usual bunch of shitty matches that mean nothing so it probably doesn't matter anyways...

Herb's in the control room to say thanks for watching The Beach Brawl. I don't know who is now doing the voice over work for the show preview, but I really want Herb back doing it. Pro-wrestling shows need crazy people yelling at me!

Joshua Bengorian vs Hog Calhoun

Bengorian is attacked before the bell and Bruno blames it on being inexperienced in the UWF. I blame it on being a fucking hilariously useless numbnuts. 

Winner = Joshua Bengorian via Israeli Airforce Bomber

Bruno is almost in shock that this goof won the match.

The next few weeks will be highlights of The Beach Brawl. So if you think this week is pointless, just you wait!

Chris Michaels & Tom Brandi vs Captain Badd & The Beast

Wow a battle of the most irrelevant wrestlers on the show! The Beast goes for a dropkick but it ends up being more like a leg clothesline. Craig calls it a "knee kick". Even Bruno can't pretend that wasn't a stupid thing to call it.

Winners = Chris Michaels & Tom Brandi via top rope dropkick

Craig says Michaels & Brandi stole that one. Yeah man, you make sure those good guys get over huge!

Buy a Dan Spivey t-shirt so you can show your support for him at the next UWF show!

Captain Lou Albano compares pro-wrestlers to boxers and thinks a pro-wrestler has more ways to beat a boxer. Not in a boxing match!

Ask The Wrestlers

Colonel DeBeers says he's blind in one eye, which is why he wears the patch. Voice over guys says he's also blind in the brain. What?

Wet N' Wild vs The Messenger & Brian Donahue

Bruno thinks these guys are slowly improving - that's not hard, considering how bad they were. And compared to some of the shitburgers that often appear on The Fury Hour. 

Winners = Wet N' Wild via rocket launcher splash

Captain Lou's Corner

There's a new champion, but instead of talking to him we'll talk to the guy that DIDN'T win in the main event. Albano says Bam Bam is going to get the belt eventually. Voice over guy calls them both ugly. I mean, he's not wrong...

"Golden Oldies"

We get a replay of the lumberjack match from earlier in the year. I won't bother writing about it again.

Power Twins vs Soul Train Philips & Cash Jackson

Bruno moves off commentary so the leader of The Guardian Angels can take over. He talks about beating up criminals and they might hire some of the wrestlers to help out. He's a total New Yorker, so he also appreciates Bruno. But not as much as his wife, apparently.

Winners = The Power Twins via double team destruction

"Golden Oldies"
B. Brian Blair vs Mike Williams
Did I review this already? I would have to look back and that feels like more effort. So let's review it this time and see what I think. Or I could just watch and realise it lasts all of 2 minutes so nothing to review.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via shitshooter

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams wants you to call him. Now! The new champion's only appearance on the show was begging for calls to the hotline??

Thoughts:

• The most boring and pointless show yet.
• WCW at least had some intrigue and story progression this week, while UWF just sat around going 'duuuhh'

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 30

UWF Fury Hour Episode 30, 27th May 1991

Herb greets us from the editing room to tell us that tonight we'll see the UWF Sportschannel UHF Vidiot Championship Tournament semi-finals. What happened to the quarter-finals??

Terry Gordy vs Don Muraco
Bruno Sammartino is back on commentary - yay! And this match is a wild, crazy brawl - yay! And... fuck me!

Draw via double-disqualification

Apparently, this was one of the quarter-finals. Huh? Does Dr. Abrams not understand how tournaments work?

Luna Vachon says some weird stuff and The Power Twins are number one - all to promote the new TV Champion at Beach Brawl?

Holy fuck we really are off to the races here.

Captain Lou Albano has yet another ad for the hotline and begs people to call him. He seems lonely.

Colonel DeBeers is back with a big black dude called Mr. Black as his servant or something. This just proves DeBeers is an equal opportunity employer.

Colonel DeBeers (w/Mr. Black) vs Soul Train Phillips
Craig says Mr. Black is DeBeers' "aide" and then straight up calls DeBeers "the racist from South Africa". Soul Train goes for the pin, but DeBeers knocks him into the referee. Which leads to DeBeers stomping the referee and then a shot of the crowd... worshipping DeBeers??

Odd shot to cut to. DeBeers gives Soul Train the DDT on the concrete carpet.

Winner = Soul Train Phillips via disqualification

I've already had ads for The Beach Brawl twice, Captain Lou's hotline, Weight Gain 3000, The Beach Brawl again and now the Power Line.

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Quarter-Final
'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
Will this last longer than the previous quarter-final? Bruno says 'Wild Thing' needs to improve. Once again, Bruno with the brutal honesty. Craig lists off the other quarter-finals and it's hilarious because we've already seen Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy and Herb told us who will be in the semi-finals. Not to mention they've been advertising people like B. Brian Blair as having matches at Beach Brawl that are clearly not part of the tournament. These two have been fighting outside the ring now for like a count of 70, yet other matches get counted out in about 3 seconds.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via turnbuckle slam thingee

Herb gets in the ring and seems to talk some shit to Steve Ray, who then takes a swing at Herb. So Herb runs behind 'Dr. Death' for safety. Apparently some sort of personal issue here, or maybe an attempt at some kind of worked shoot. Who the hell knows?

'Cowboy' Bob Orton wants to see you at The Beach Brawl! Is it The Beach Brawl or just Beach Brawl? I'm honestly confused...

B. Brian Blair vs Power Twin #1 (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos & Power Twin #2)
Aren't the Power Twins' names Larry and David? Holy shit - wouldn't Larry David be an awesome wrestling manager?!? Oh, we are just sticking with calling them "Power Twin #1" and "Power Twin #2" because Bruno straight up said he has zero interest in learning their names and who am I to argue with Bruno? The Power Twins keep swapping places like some sneaky bad guys, but Blair still keeps beating them up. He attempts his shitshooter so the other Power Twin hits him with a shoe. 

Winner = B. Brian Blair via disqualification

'Jumping' Jim Brunzell runs out to make the save! Yay! It's the tag-team reunion no one asked for! So the director again cuts to the nerds in the crowd doing the worship thing.

I'm genuinely tempted to order Bruno's book the next time Book Depository give me a coupon.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is still blasting his arms.

Captain Lou's Corner
Don Muraco is back! He calls Terry Gordy a "young man" so I look it up and in 1991 holy shit Terry Gordy was 30 years-old! I would never have guessed that. Say no to drugs, kids.

Joshua Bengorian vs The Beast
This Bengorian guy looks like the biggest fucking dork and comes out to traditional Jewish music or something.

Apparently he's ex-Israeli military like Gal Gadot. The commentators choose to make fun of The Beast and I'm like 'guys, The Beast is actually the least awful thing happening here', because - unbelievably - Bengorian is more awful than he looks. Bruno quickly realises I'm right and starts burying the guy. Dude hits three clotheslines and Craig calls each one "The Israeli Airforce Bomber".

Winner = Joshua Bengorian via clothesline from the middle-rope that is also called The Israeli Airforce Bomber

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if this guy turned out to be The Bounty Hunter - they're both tall and shit.

Herb tells us that Cactus Jack didn't show up for his quarter-final match against Bam Bam Bigelow and instead of showing us all the subsequent drama that took place in the ring, Herb describes it to us. Seriously. And then announces that the final of the tournament will be Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. So out of 3 matches only 1 dude actually had to win a match to make it to the final? And what happened to the 4th quarter final??

The commentators talk about Beach Brawl happening next week. Craig needs a fucking calendar.

Thoughts:

• This may actually be the worst tournament I've ever seen; one quarter-final was thrown out after 30 seconds, another wrestler advances without actually wrestling, and then another quarter-final didn't even take place. What in the actual fuck is this nonsense??
• Joshua Bengorian can go stick a dreidel up his pee hole.
• WCW was absolutely better this week. Me blowing my nose was better than this show.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 29

UWF Fury Hour Episode 29, 20th May 1991

Captain Lou Albano is still filling in for Bruno Sammartino. A painful reminder they are sure to give me about 20 times. Craig tells us we are now only two weeks away from The Beach Brawl! Except... it's actually three.  Albano is staking his 38 years experience on the UWF being the best... There's a six-man tag match tonight and Craig is cut off which is the best part of the show.

Wet N' Wild vs Big Bobby & Al Jobeer or Something(?)
Wet N' Wild come out to Vanilla Ice's Play That Funky Music and it has me wondering if they should actually be my favourite tag-team.

Albano rates Wet N' Wild at a "90" because they could still use a little bit of improvement. You think?!?! Craig calls a slam a "belly to belly suplex". Fuck that guy.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via splash

Big Bobby didn't even get in the ring once.

The 1957 Chevy Phone is a replica of the 1957 Chevy and an actual working phone? Talk about advancements in technology!

Ask The Wrestlers

He hints that they may get back together at The Beach Brawl. Aren't you in the TV Championship tournament? You can't have a tag-team partner in that, dork.

Malia Hosaka vs Luna Vachon
Vachon comes out to Mötley Crüe, so she deserves to win. Albano wants to know if Hosaka is married. I'm pretty sure you weigh about 4-times as much as her and are 3-times her age. Albano makes "jokes" about both women's looks, so Craig tries his hand at the sake "jokes" this time. And then The Black Harts fuck up the ending.

Winner = Luna Vachon via Hosaka being tripped

Wet N' Wild come out and beat up The Black Harts with chairs.

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Tournament Update
Brian Ricco is back to talk to us about Dr. Herb Abrams' tournament format. 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams beat Nikolai Volkoff in 3 minutes. Wow. Bam Bam Bigelow beat Ivan Koloff. Oh NOW he's giving the details of the quarterfinalists. You're a week late, pal! Or Craig was a week early. Either way, this is what happens when you tape five weeks of TV shows in one day, and then have them edited together by a monkey.

'The Golden Greek' John Tolos is with The Power Twins. He is proud to actually have a stable at last, so lists off everyone. He's convinced he will lead The Power Twins to tag-team glory! Hey, he did get 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey a gig with WCW, right? So maybe he's going to set up a match against the Steiner Brothers?

The Power Twins (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos) vs Corporal Kirschner & David Perry
Albano makes fun of Corporal Kirschner for not being able to get a promotion.

Winners = The Power Twins via double elbow that may or may not be The Power Ending

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano just yells incredibly racist jibberish at Malia Hosaka. She replies in Japanese, but speaks very quietly so I can't pick up what she said. After Albano yells more jibberish, she walks away laughing and both of them are picked up on the mic saying they have no idea what he was saying.

Fuck. You.

The most excited men in the USA call the UWF Powerline!

The Lynx vs Mr. V
Albano thinks Craig adds legitimacy to pro-wrestling. Now he's talking about sports in the '30s and '50s, before raving about building military weapons. 

Winner = The Lynx via rollup

I'm not sure what was worse - the commentary or the botching.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff, Bam Bam Bigelow & B. Brian Blair vs Boris Zhukov, 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Rusty Brooks
How in the fuck did Rusty Brooks get in this match?? He and Albano get into an argument about who is fatter or something... Then Albano gets Zhukov confused with Nikita Koloff. That dude isn't even with this company anymore - I'll give you an update on him after this match, but I can assure you, what he's involved with is infinitely better than this. Of course, the match just turns into a brawl and then for some reason the bell rings in the middle of it.

Winners = The good guys via Bam Bam Bigelow pinning Boris Zhukov or something?

Thoughts:

• Holy shit Lou Albano needs to go!
• Yesterday, I watched WCW Superbrawl 1991 and it was infinitely better than this. Particularly when Nikita Koloff got into a brawl with Sting. He made the right decision leaving the UWF and returning to WCW - even if it is just for a month.
• These matches were all terrible.
• And the commentary was worse.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 28

UWF Fury Hour Episode 28, 13th May 1991

Craig and Captain Lou Albano are standing out in the sun and Albano looks like he's getting a little too much sun. Craig bitches about the way Albano is dressed..

The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs The Lynx & Random Jobber
Albano tries to say Luna has more tattoos than Bam Bam Bigelow because she has like 2 or something. He also uses the same jokes about tattoos being like watching cartoons or whatever it is he's been trying to do. 2 minutes in and I'm pretty sure he's said "moron" about 182 times. Holy fuck this guy... The Black Harts apparently have names but I only catch one of them. Albano inadvertently points out how shit this company by not even having a tag-rope on the corner. 

Winners = The Black Harts via vegematic? Is that what their finishing move is called?

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Tournament Update
Brian is back to let us know Terry Gordy and Steve Ray have progressed in the tournament from matches that probably sucked.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Dusty Wolfe
Albano tries to talk about Orndorff's diet and training regime, when anyone who's been watching knows it just involves those milkshakes and the muscle blaster.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

'Cowboy' Bob Orton (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos) vs Florida Jobberman
Craig gives us a further update on the UWF Sportschannel UFC BBQ Championship Tournament, since Orton isn't involved; Cactus Jack, Bam Bam Bigelow, B. Brian Blair, Colonel DeBeers, Don Muraco, Terry Gordy, 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray and 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams are your quarter-finalists. Then they spend the rest of the match giving out the various phone numbers you can call to buy tickets.  You know, we had a "Tournament Update" segment about ten minutes ago - this type of information could have made that segment a big more substantial.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via superplex

Albano acts like that was the greatest finishing maneuver ever.

Six months later and they're still shilling 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey t-shirts.

Captain Lou's Corner
Today's "guests" are The Black Harts and Luna Vachon. One of The Black Harts is doing the "diamond" sign - must be a DDP fan? Or Jay-Z? Albano doesn't like this so quits. Yay Black Harts!

B. Brian Blair vs Rusty Brooks
Albano's gimmick is he refuses to say the names of the jobbers correctly. This shit may be entertaining for him, but makes it really difficult for me to bLog correctly. Now he's making old Dad jokes that would probably be somewhat funny if it were someone else telling them. Blair falls over applying his Shitshooter. Faaaark me...

Winner = B. Brian Blair via fail

The Power Twins (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos) vs 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray (w/o Tag Partner?)
Tolos finally has more people in his stable!!! Albano seems to have a real problem with Steve Ray being a good guy. Apparently, Sunny Beach didn't show up so 'Wild Thing' will have to wrestle alone? Oh wait, Sunny Beach has arrived late and hits people with his luggage.

Winners = The Power Twins via disqualification

Joining Tolos' stable was the right move!

Thoughts:

• This was an unwatchable show, made unlistenable by Captain Lou Albano on commentary.
• I don't remember a thing from WCW this week, but there is no way in hell it was even close to being this terrible.