3 April 2016
AT&T Stadium
Arlington, Texas - USA
Attendance: 101,763
(Though Dave Meltzer would argue that is a lie)
Commentators: Michael Cole, JBL & Byron Saxton
My thoughts before this viewing
HOLYSHITBALLSWHATINTHEFUCKAMIDOING?!?!?!?!?
Almost two years ago, I embarked on a journey to watch all 31 WrestleManias in 31 days. It was a brave and rewarding journey, full of many twists and turns, trials and tribulations, life-changing and inspirational moments - no wait, that was Lady GaGa's Super Bowl performance. WrestleMania March Madness? That was basically 31 days of me eating the same food, drinking the same drink, wearing the same t-shirt and watching the same damn thing over and over until I could no longer stomach the pain of WWF/E professional wrestling. So now, 701 days later, my OCD has kicked in. You see, there was a WrestleMania event last year and I did not watch it. And I had no interest in watching it - in fact, I still have no interest in watching this show. But only reviewing 31 WrestleManias when there are now 32 and soon to be 33? Well, LOGMAN just can not live with that. He also can't live with noise, people or the idea there are Loren Avedon movies he is yet to see, but we'll deal with those another time. So yeah, here we are again: my WrestleMania t-shirt was thrown out once WrestleMania 31 was complete and I don't have any suspicious American cookies to eat after my wraps, but the rest is the same: I've got Pepsi Next. I've got vegetarian wraps. I'm tired. I'm cranky. And I've got no idea why I'm doing this. So now that everything is just as it was, let's get this show done and then feed me to Jaws!
Even my rhyming is still terrible...
America the Beautiful
Fifth Harmony are here to sing for you - yes I mean you, because I am old and have no idea who in blazes they are supposed to be. But I do admire their V formation based on height. The shortest girl is standing cross-legged like she badly needs to go the bathroom but has to hold it in until they finish this song.
7/10
Opening Video Package
Guess what? It's the history of WrestleMania! How original! Then lots of stuff about today (last year?) which is just incredibly boring and not informative at all... but hey, cool fun colours and video game graphics? Fuck this show already.
2/10
Ladder Match
Intercontinental Championship
Dolph Ziggler vs The Miz vs Sami Zayn vs Stardust vs Sin Cara vs Zack Ryder vs Kevin Owens (c)
Michael Cole welcomes us to "the Big D!". Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh no thanks. And I doubt yours is all that big.
Dolph Ziggler looks very different to when I last saw him. This Kevin Owens has a pretty cool theme and is fat, so he should be almost invincible. WWE show they can actually multi-task like a successful woman by using all 20 entrances to simultaneously introduce us to all 50 different announce teams. You know, when a wrestler sets up a ladder next to the belt and not under it, it makes it super obvious someone is going to tip it over. Like a cow. Stardust is wearing polka dots. Like a cow.
"Could you imagine if Sin Cara walked out of here the Intercontinental Champion?"
Yes, I could. And it would mean I have eaten spiked mushrooms and am now hallucinating. Which would at least maybe make some of this 'running into ladders' business actually look somewhat realistic instead of bad slapstick from a 1930's version of National Lampoon's European Vacation.
It's good this isn't the original Sin Cara; I have no emotional attachment to this guy, which means I give no shits about how he does in the match. But it also means I give no shits if he dies doing moves like this:
The Miz almost wins via doing a grand total of one move in this entire match... but then he doesn't.
Winner = Zack Ryder via climbing ladders and not falling to his doom
New Champion
7/10
Pro-wrestlers wear Tapout while they workout in the gym.
LOGMAN wears pyjamas while eating pizza
Video Package
AJ Styles and Chris Jericho are feuding because AJ Styles is awesome and Chris Jericho is not. This actually is believable.
4/10
AJ Styles vs Chris Jericho
So according to this story, AJ Styles apparently modelled his career after Chris Jericho. So why is it AJ Styles is actually super talented and the best in the world, while Chris Jericho is just an annoying goof? Also, this match is the perfect time for displaying what losers around the world are tweeting. Because what
@TripleH_ismyboyfriend48277 thinks about the previous match is far more important than watching the biggest signing WWE has made in years. And I'm not actually being sarcastic for once - he is in the 2nd match on the main card and losing to an old overrated clown that hasn't been a main event attraction since that complete dumpster fire of a feud with CM Punk. Who was also way better. But at least CM Punk got to win.
Winner = Chris Jericho via codebreaker
6/10
So sign the actual best wrestler in the world after 15 years of him competing around the world and then have him lose a pointless match at the biggest WrestleMania of all time? WrestleMania traditions at their finest!
Advertisement for Total Divas. You may as well try and sell me a steak and the All Blacks.
Oh fuck - Maria Menounos is backstage. When will these people learn...
Zack Ryder is happy! This show feels like it's been going on for an hour already.
Oh wait - that's because it has...
Handicap Match
New Day vs League of Nations
New Day make their entrance by coming out of a giant cereal box "because it's WrestleMania!".
Yeah, that's totally what I remember about WrestleMania III - Andre the Giant making his entrance via a plate of pancakes.
There are 100,000 people in the crowd and probably only about 23 that care about this match. And none of them are me.
Winners = League of Nations via Sheamus kicking someone in the face.
3/10
Wade Barrett says the League of Nations are the best group ever. So naturally, that means Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley and Steve Austin come out and beat them up. Because WrestleMania is all about old dudes that no longer wrestle beating up young guys so they look like losers and are never to be taken seriously.
JBL thinks this is the greatest thing ever. Dude, you are supposed to be the HEEL announcer - they are beating up the HEELS. You shouldn't be supporting this at all. Now the old guys have beaten up the winners, New Day thinks this means they actually won and have a dance party. Foley and HBK get involved. Which of course means that Austin has to now beat up New Day and drink beer.
Fuck putting over these young up & coming wrestlers and making them seem like something special - let's make everyone look inferior to retired old people!
See, Big E - this here is your WrestleMania tradition.
JBL is still having the time of his life. Worst. Heel. Announcer. Ever.
Foley gives away his beer to a kid dressed as a clown. That may well be the first Mick Foley moment I've liked since he got thrown through a cage.
Ad for the WWE Network. Now they're doing their own version of Candid Camera? And Mick Foley has his own reality show? You may as well try and sell me Total Divas.
The commentary team are
still going crazy over what just happened like it was the greatest moment in the history of everything.
Video Package
Dean Ambrose and Brock Lesnar are feuding... because Dean Ambrose isn't scared of getting beaten to death? Dean Ambrose calls himself "the Iron Man of the WWE" - but the opening video package said Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart are the Iron Men! They're certainly way better than Dean Ambrose. And less stupid - Bret Hart never fought Brock Lesnar because Bret Hart enjoys living.
7/10
No Holds Barred Street Fight
Dean Ambrose vs Brock Lesnar
'No holds barred' fights never make sense to me; why bother starting with wrestling? Just walk in the ring, kick the dude in the balls and when he's down kick him in the balls again until he dies. Ambrose pulls out a chainsaw instead - I guess that's a hold that is no longer barred? Chainsaws are totally used in street fights in my neighbourhood all the time. About 30 people try to start a "This is awesome!" chant, but the other 100,000 people aren't buying it, as they've seen pro-wrestling before and know this isn't awesome at all.
Winner = Brock Lesnar via F5 onto a pile of chairs. Which surely would have to hurt him as well?
6/10
Backstage
Ric Flair and Zack Ryder are having a "WOO" vs "Woo Woo Woo" battle. So Ryder eats a snickers and turns into Flair's daughter. Remind me to never eat a Snickers ever again.
Hall of Fame Highlights
Jimmy Garvin doesn't look so gorgeous anymore. Snoop Dogg was inducted? Bah gawd, between him and
Alan Partridge Donald Trump, how can anyone pretend this shit is even close to something resembling an honour? Sting was also inducted because losing to Big Nose Jerk Face last year was a glorious achievement!
I feel like this show has now been going on for 3 hours. Wait - we're still less than 2 hours in? How is this possible?!?!
Apparently the winner of the next match "will be the first ever WWE Women's Champion!"
Uuuhhh... wasn't it called the Women's Championship for, like, 25 years before it was renamed the Diva's Championship?
Video Package
"Divas Revolution" was apparently a thing. Me giving zero fucks is absolutely a thing.
4/10
Triple Threat
Women's Championship
Sasha Banks vs Beck Lynch vs Charlotte (c)
Snoop Dogg and some nobody are here to sing Sasha Banks to the ring. And by sing, Snoop is actually more of a singer than this girl.
Ric Flair is here and is no longer capable of using actual words so just yells "WOOO" in Sasha's face. And Becky Lynch looks like a troll from Labyrinth.
Apparently this is now no disqualification as well? WWE may as well adopt that as the rule for every match. So why aren't these girls using weapons or doing anything they normally do in a no disqualification match? Ric Flair should just help his daughter and beat up the other girls - oh wait, now he does. I hate it when that happens.
Winner = Charlotte via figure 8 which I guess is twice as bad as a figure 4
6/10
The commentators bitch about Ric Flair getting involved. Damn, dudes - you were the ones that declared it no disqualification. Technically, it wasn't actually cheating. I didn't hear any complaints when anyone used weapons in the last match.
Video Package
Shane McMahon returned and people loved it - except for Vince McMahon, who hates him for no explained reason. Vince calls the Undertaker his "bitch" and Undertaker agrees by beating up Shane for him? Vince looks old. Hopefully he's dying. Everyone else from WWE give their opinions on this fight because Shane and Undertaker don't care for promoting their own match. Hell in a Cell is Undertakers house; for a guy that's been making a living wrestling for 40 years, it's a pretty shitty house. I won't be visiting until he installs a bathroom. And walls.
7/10
Hell in a Cell
Shane McMahon vs The Undertaker
Undertaker has added some shiny things to his outfit. He's also added some pounds and years to himself. He punches Shane a few times, which prompts Michael Cole to declare the "fight is getting ugly" - foreshadowing, perhaps? Because now Undertaker looks like he's totally blown up. He's moving so slow he may as well just embrace it and go back to being a zombie with magical powers. Someone tries a "This is awesome!" chant when absolutely nothing has happened for about 7 minutes. This person must be easily excited. Hanging out with me for an afternoon would blow their mind - especially when I do exciting things like watch this shit bag of a show! Shane makes things personal by attacking one of the fence/wall things with some wire cutter. That's Undertaker's home, Shane! You homewrecker! Such a rude guest...
Michael Cole starts having some sort of seizure:
"Undertaker is out - he's barely moving!"
Which would mean he is NOT out. The referees check on Shane. A minute later:
"Somebody check on Shane!"
You're a bit slow there, buddy.
"100,000 people have been stunned to near silence!"
As the crowd chant all sorts of things about how awesome that was. It's like he's not even there. I wish I wasn't here.
Winner = Undertaker via tombstone
4/10
The commentators act like Undertaker winning at WrestleMania still means something. Despite his "win streak" ending 2 years ago and tonight he beat up a dude that is not a wrestler, never was a wrestler, and hasn't even been around wrestling for about 15 years. What a legend!
Aaaand we've passed the 3 hour mark - surely it's time for the main event?
Wrong! We need to waste more time, so let's send it back to the kick-off panel and they can provide us with more total boredom by recapping everything that has happened over the last 5 hours. Corey Graves has possibly the doucheist haircut in all of professional wrestling.
Andre the Giant Battle Royal
So that the crowd and viewers are aware of how meaningless and worthless these people are, the first 25 participants come out together with absolutely no music or any form of entrance whatsoever, while the remainder get their full entrances.
Dang, that old dude DDP is here! And... Shaq?!?! Shaquille O'Neal?!?!!! That man is YUGE!
Why the hell didn't they tell anyone Shaq was going to be here and wrestling??? Kane is back in his mask and long hair again - clown can't figure out whatever the fuck he is supposed to be. Just be a ghost and get busted already! My gawd, Kate McKinnon was an absolute revelation in that movie.
Because WrestleMania tradition dictates no sense be made ever, 28 men hide outside the ring while Big Show and Shaq have a staredown. Then they get eliminated and immediately decide their kayfabe feud is nothing and give each other an embrace, chatting on their way to the back.
Waste.
Of.
Time.
Winner = Baron Corbin via other people going over ropes
2/10
And still no one cared.
Promo for WrestleMania 33.
You mean I have to do this shit
again?!?!
Looks like it's happening on the moon...
The Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders come out and do some shit to AC/DC. Should have had AC/DC instead. Or just end the show already.
THE ROCK! THE ROCK IS HERE!
And his t-shirt cannon is almost as big as me! Oh no, wait - it's a flame thrower! That's actually much cooler than me.
He says he's "finally returned to WrestleMania"; dude, you appear almost every fucking year. The Rock basically admits that the show has sucked a fat bowl of dicks up to this point and he is the highlight, so Bray Wyatt and the Wyatt Family (they aren't really brothers) come out to make this as shit as the rest of the show. Why can't I have nice things??? The commentators talk up Bray like he's some kind of monster, despite him just being a fat redneck that always loses. Wyatt kisses The Rock's ass a bit - probably trying to get a role in Baywatch - and then resumes babbling nonsense about shit I couldn't even begin to pretend to care about. Wait, did he just say "
your people" to The Rock? Racist! This interruption has caused The Rock to lose his place in his script, so he just starts again from the beginning. Good god, this show isn't long enough already?!? Luckily The Rock just happens to be wearing his wrestling gear under his breakaway clothes...
The Rock vs Erick Rowan
Aaaaand we're done.
Winner = The Rock via too quick to care
They announce it as 6 seconds, but it was really about 4. Then they call it a record.
WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG FUCK YOU YOU'RE DOUBLE WRONG
The Wyatt family don't get the hint, so John Cena comes out to explain their suckiness better, because he's beaten all these dudes up while in bed sick.
8/10
Promo for Camp WWE. It's Family Guy for WWE fans. So, basically the worst of every world.
We're 4 hours in. This has to be time for the main event. Please? Pretty please?
Video Package
Roman Reigns is a good man. Despite him giving an interview basically saying 'fuck the fans all I care about is making money'. This video is an amazing example of propaganda; you see, the crowds hate Roman Reigns.
Hate him. I watched the Royal Rumble before this and he was booed out of the building. Mercilessly. He made Diesel at WrestleMania XI seem somewhat accepted (worst WWF champion ever, btw). But yet, according to this video package, Roman Reigns has been heralded as a hero for the fans while the fans have been booing Triple H. Speaking of The H Bomb, the rest of the video is just highlights of his career and stupid entrances - absolutely nothing to do with this story whatsoever. Then more crowds cheering for Roman Reigns that never happened.
8/10 for the sheer balls to alter history
WWE Championship
Roman Reigns vs Triple H (c)
Oh great, now Stephanie thinks she's Skeletor.
She could pull off Evil Lynn better. Or she could just fuck off. She proceeds to give the most utterly obnoxious speech ever in the history of pro-wrestling - which is saying a lot. It doesn't make me want to boo, just watch Masters of the Universe.
I think that was a fun movie. HHH is "the King of Kings" - wait, so he's Jesus now? Can he cure me of watching this show? He has a whole army of dudes in skull helmets with WWE title belts.
So that must mean his is fucking lame and worthless, if any skull-faced stormtrooper can have one. Imagine if Darth Vader had some sort of Jedi trophy for being a Sith lord and then gave exact replicas to all the stormtroopers...
I just made a Star Wars reference.
THIS IS WHAT YOU MAKE ME DO, HHH!!!
Either the crowd mics have been muted or they care even less about this than I do. It's funny seeing all the jiu-jitsu and MMA striking that gets incorporated into pro-wrestling now. It's even funnier seeing how terribly fake the jiu-jitsu is executed. I'd write something else, but this is just going on forever. Seriously, almost an hour of standard H Bomb wrasslin' with some totally bland Joe with him to keep it really average.
Winner = Roman Reigns via spear and boredom
New champion
3/10
It seems the entire pyro budget was saved especially for Roman's celebrations.
Though he's not exactly celebrating - more just giving a few smug looks to the crowd. I don't think he likes them much. And nothing is more endearing to 100,000 people that don't like you than telling them 'told you so'. The Shield's old theme (AKA Roman Reign's theme) plays us out!
WrestleMania XXXI: The Awards
- Best Match
Jeeeeezzzuss... The Rock vs Erick Rowan? At least it was fast and involved someone I like actually winning
- Worst Match
Pointless battle royal of doom!
- Highlight of the Show
The Rock. Dude entered with a flame thrower and set fire to the dumpster that was this show
- Lowlight of the Night
My favourite chocolate bar making the most embarrassing commercial possible
- Star of the Show
The Rock. Duh!
- Best Celebrity Appearance
The Rock. Duh!
Shaq was pretty cool, too. Would have liked to have seen him actually do something, though.
- Worst Celebrity Appearance
That chick that couldn't sing live. Special mention to Snoop Dogg for appearing in his bathrobe
- Tonight's Meal
For this show, I engaged in wraps filled with avocado, spinach, red onion, mushrooms, tomato, capsicum, pineapple, sprouts and two different kinds of hummus. Then chucked some indian pakoras in - top stuff all around! Pepsi Next is still the choice of the Log generation. No cookies, but I had Reece's Pieces to cap it off because they are somewhat like the cookies I had. Totally
- T-Shirt Cleanliness It's living in some landfill somewhere, where it has no doubt been adopted by a zombie. Or even grown into a zombie itself. So if you see someone walking around in a filthy homemade WrestleMania t-shirt, it is most likely not me.
- Overall Score
No lie; the pre-show was 2 hours long and this motherfucker went another 5 hours. 7 FUCKING HOURS. Fuck... I don't know... I just lost 7 fucking hours of my life. Sure, I had no actual use for those 7 hours, but still... I mean, nothing was really all that terrible. But then again, I would gladly take a WrestleMania XI style trainwreck over the temple of boredoom this was. Plus that show wasn't 7 fucking hours long! 7 HOURS!!!
3/10
