2025 in 2025: Day 21

Best of Van Halen, Vol. 1 - Van Halen

Man, the David Lee Roth era flies by so quick on this compilation. I've never considered myself a huge fan of Van Halen, but when I listen to this I just dig it so much. Except for Dance The Night Away and And the Cradle - they're just kind of okay. The rest are absolute killer. The Sammy Hagar era is not represented entirely well, IMO; I feel like there were better songs that could have made the cut. However, Dreams is awesome and the guitar solo is one of my absolute fav Eddie Van Halen moments. And Right Now always gets me air-drumming. The return of David Lee Roth at the end is pretty awesome, too. Pretty sure we've been singing "Trampoline" in Me Wise Magic for 28 years now. This makes me regret not picking up the Van Halen box sets when I saw them cheap a while back, because clearly I need more Van Halen in my life. Or maybe this is the perfect amount, and that's why I like this CD so much?

Highlights: Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love, Runnin' with the Devil, Unchained, Jump, Panama, Dreams, Right Now, Me Wise Magic

9/10

The Best of WCW Vol. 1: Nitro - World Championship Wrestling

Well, I guess this makes up for me not watching WCW for the past few months. Oh you want to watch Bret Hart stick fools in the Sharpshooter? How about 90 minutes of playing 'guess the pro-wrestler's entrance music' instead? The Total Package theme almost sounds like a Chariots of Fire ripoff. And it's been 30 years and I still can't tell the difference between Rey Misterio and Dean Malenko's themes when I first hear them. Pro-wrestling themes with lyrics are always way funnier - especially when they talk about doing all the wrestling moves and what not. The Four Horsemen theme is legit badass. And after watching so much WCW and no Pearl Jam, I'm now convinced this Chris Jericho theme is how Even Flow actually sounds. La Parka's theme is so funk-rock it's awesome and makes me want to play air-guitar on a steel chair. Wait - The Four Horsemen have a second theme song? American Made is no Real American, but it still rocks hard. Luckily we save the best for last with Bret Hart's second WCW theme.

Highlights: Four Horsemen, Satan's Sister (Hollywood Blondes Theme), Parental Advisory Explicit Acts (La Parka Theme), Hart Attack Comeback (Bret Hart Theme)

7/10

The Best of WCW Vol. 2: Thunder - World Championship Wrestling

Oh, I still haven't learned my lesson? Voodoo Child would have been good right now, but those nWo quotes in it are mixed way too loud. At least I get some more disco music with Disco Inferno's theme song? I mean, I'd prefer Disco Inferno from The Trammps again, but sure. Buff Bagwell doesn't even seem to know what's going on with his theme song. 3 Count is just laughable - and purposely so, given their gimmick. Hitman in the House has grown on me, but still stands as his third best theme song. the nWo Midcard theme is super funky. Oh cool - Badstreet U.S.A. is on here! I will never tire of A Man Called Sting. Wolfpac in the house! Wait - almost three hours and no appearance of Brad Armstrong's theme song? I feel cheated.

Highlights: Disco Fever (Disco Inferno Theme), Hitman in the House (Bret Hart Theme), Tear It Up (nWo Midcard Theme), A Man Called Sting (Sting Theme), Billy Kidman (Kidman Theme)

6/10

Best Shots - Pat Benatar

I think we must be almost done with Best ofs! This is some serious 80s power ballad stuff. Hit Me with Your Best Shot really is so weak - needs to be rocked up a notch or two. 

Highlights: Love is a Battlefield, All Fired Up, Hell is for Children, We Belong

6.5/10

BEST★SCANDAL - SCANDAL

No, this is not a best of. This is SCANDAL's debut album. Maybe they called it BEST★SCANDAL because they think they are the best? They might not be, but they can come close some times. These days, anyway. Their early work is more in the vein of pop-punk idol music. Which is totally cool with me! In fact, some of this seriously great.

Highlights: DOLL, ひとつだけ, SAKURA グッバイ

7/10

Between the Black and Gray - MONOEYES

Ugh American spelling. Anyways, more 細美さん means more good times, even if this album is more of a darker vibe. Likely a product of the times, as this was released at the end of 2020, so in the midst of the pandemic and lockdowns and awesome stuff. This is overall probably the weakest MONOEYES album, but the highlights are SUPER highlights. And a weak MONOEYES album is still better than a lot of band's stronger efforts.

Highlights: Fall Out, Interstate 46, Outer Rim, 彼は誰の夢

8/10

"Albums" listened to so far: 174

WWE Royal Rumble 2021

*I am finally posting this from earlier in the year. I was too lazy to do pics and gifs, but now I have no excuse*

Welcome back again to Logman complains about pro-wrestling!

I have been a bit busy with actual work working my way through 80's NWA - have watched about three years in the last 9 months and it's been a great ride so far - so the UWF reviewing has taken a bit of a back seat. Plus my house just burned down, so you know... whatever...

Anyways, with WrestleMania sign-pointing season upon us once again, I decided that I've not seen a Royal Rumble in a very long time. So why not waste 4 hours of my life watching some shitty WWE event and then wasting another 4 hours making fun of it online? Hopefully I'll at least get a good gif from the experience. For those that don't know, the Royal Rumble is an annual WWE event where 30 men enter the ring one-at-a-time 90 seconds apart and have to throw each other over the top rope, until there is only one man remaining. The winner then gets to fight one of the many champions at WrestleMania. It used to be that they automatically faced the champion in the main event at WrestleMania, but that tradition died a loooong time ago. Along with the tradition of actually being fun.

As I said, I've not seen a Royal Rumble in years - I think the last one I watched was when Roman Reigns was Vince's chosen one and was promptly booed out of the building. Apparently now he is the top heel so fans cheer him. Seriously. WWE fans are the worst.

Other things that are apparently real in 2021: Drew McIntyre is the WWE Champion and he will be defending against Goldberg. Roman Reigns will be defending a belt against someone? There's even a women's royal rumble match now?!?

Sweet zombie Jeebus is it too late to watch UWF instead?!?

Also... my wife (Hikola) is joining me for this, so will be chiming in with her expertise and vast wrestling knowledge that consists of having watched a total of zero pro-wrestling in her life.

Opening Video Package
The Royal Rumble is now... Batman?

And they're back to blurring out the old WWF logos? Bret Hart must have pissed someone off, because they show him being thrown out of the Royal Rumble multiple times AND being speared by Goldberg back in WCW. I'm just going to keep pretending those things didn't happen.
4/10

Today's event is being broadcast from "The Thunderdome": a stadium filled with people on LED screens, complete with pre-recorded cheering. It's... strange.

Opening Match
WWE Championship
Drew McIntyre (c) vs Goldberg
Huh we're doing this now? Goldberg is out with his somewhat socially distancing security dudes like it's still 1998. 

Hikola is wondering why my Grandad is fighting. Joke's on her - my Grandad is dead! Only thing he's fighting is my Nana in hell! She's also unimpressed with his hygiene:
"Why did he wait to leave his room to spit? Did he not have a bathroom in there where he could do that in private?"

Samoa Joe is now a commentator? He reminds Hikola of a vegetable, but she's not sure which one.

Huh? NOW we're getting the video package for this match? So Goldberg has to stand in the ring listening to his theme music for 5 minutes? Drew McIntyre wants the Goldberg of old - he'll have to settle for just old.
3/10

Goldberg hits a bunch of spears and the jackhammer, but McIntyre kicks out and the commentators go nuts like the same thing didn't happen with each guy at WrestleMania.

Winner = Drew McIntyre via pin following a kick to the face
3/10

They hug, as Drew has now earned the respect of the "legends"... by beating up an old man?

Time for our first WWE Shop promo. The designs get uglier every time I see these. Right now, you can buy 1 and get 1 for $1! I'll buy none and you can just give me that dollar.

There is also a WWE card battle game, so you can be a total dork at 2 things that suck.

Corey Graves is on commentary now. Fuck that guy.

Kayla is talking to Sasha Banks backstage. She says something about drinking tear-flavoured champagne. Hikola thinks she acts like Squidward from SpongeBob Squarepants.

Smackdown Women's Championship
Sasha Banks (c) vs Carmella
I'm guessing she's still Sasha Banks - I am pretty sure no women in WWE actually have surnames anymore. Her and Carmella argue over who is "the boss". Wasn't there a tv show about that? It was way more fun than this! I can barely hear the commentary right now and I'm considering buying my neighbours an ice-cream for removing Corey Graves from my life again. Carmella has some dude with him, but he's getting completely beaten up by Sasha Banks. And she looks like a 12-year old girl, so I'm not entirely sure how helpful he is to have around. Now he's getting thrown out because Sasha keeps kicking his ass? Not a rule I've come across before. Hikola thinks I should steal his outfit. Well, he doesn't have the strength to take on a little blue-haired girl, so I may be able to take him. Sasha misses the worst splash ever. Then Carmella gets her in some submission hold and she's waving off the ref.
Hikola: "Bye-bye, Squidward!"
But then she reverses it to something else? Fuck if care.
Winner = Sasha Banks via submission
2/10

Time for Sasha to get her 'point at the WrestleMania sign' moment.

Backstage
New Day don't like The Retribution or something - but it's never explained who or what they are. Sami Zayn tries to join in their chat, but they all make fun of him like they're the cool kids at school and he's just the dude that brings the hackeysack. They all think they're winning the Royal Rumble. They're all fucking stupid.
1/10

Bad Bunny is apparently "the biggest Latin artist in the world". He's no Enrique Iglesias, I can tell you that. Not even a shitty version. Booker T is standing next to him for no reason? Bad Bunny just runs around him and holy fuck I've got more cancer.
-2/10

Hikola thinks Corey Graves is good looking. We must now get divorced.

Time for that "Royal Rumble by the numbers" bullshit - I totally forgot how much WWE like to make up shit to make things seem more important. STOP SHOWING STEVE AUSTIN THROW OUT BRET HART! HE CHEATED!!!

Women's Royal Rumble Match
#1 Bayley
Bayley says she is going to win and challenge... Michael Cole? So she wants to be champion of shitty commentary?
#2 Naomi
Bayley's trash-talking seems to have gotten even better. But her wrestling seems to have gotten worse? Hikola tells me her favourite part of the show so far was Carmella screaming like a horse on helium.
#3 Bianca Belair
I can't take anyone with that hair seriously - unless they are Jet Li in a classic kung-fu adventure. Which she is not.

#4 Billie Kay
Oh fuck off. She sits at the announce table and says she is going to wait before going in - this shit never works. AND it means I have to listen to her annoying voice. But honestly, why don't WWE make some rule about people getting in right away? Why don't all the wrestlers just sit outside the ring until all 30 are around?
#5 Shotzi Blackheart
She at least has a fun little tank.

They should let her take that in the ring and shoot the others.
#6 Shayna Baszler
So the running joke now is Billie Kay is approaching each new entrant in the hopes they'll team up with her, but of course they all just beat her up. I'm predicting someone will eventually say yes and they'll either turn on her or she'll turn on them, wrestlers don't have any friends and are fucking stupid.
#7 Toni Storm
Shotzin Blackheart is eliminated
#8 Jillian Hall
She's keen on the idea of "Billie and Jillie" and proves me wrong by teaming up successfully.
#9 Ruby Riott
#10 Victoria
Let the nostalgia begin! Our second retired wrestler of the match. And she is happily yelling at the non-existent crowd.
Hikola: "She looks like a Heavy Metal Mum."

#11 Peyton Royce
Lots of stupid Aussie yelling, but Bayley stops her and proves she is the best.
#12 Santana Garrett
I feel like I should know who she is... but I don't know if I'm supposed to care.
#13 Liv Morgan
How is Jillian still in this? Oh...
Jillian Hall eliminated by Billie Kay
Told you so, bitch!
Billie Kay eliminated by Ruby Riott
#14 Rhea Ripley
Toni Storm eliminated by Rhea Ripley
Victoria eliminated by Shayna Baszler
Santana Garrett eliminated by Rhea Ripley
Wow they've actually started eliminating people. Finally!
#15 Charlotte Flair
Oh goodie...
Ruby Riott eliminated by Bayley via murder - and then trash-talk as well to make it even better.
#16 Dana Brooke
Hikola: "Mum-made outfit"
Liv Morgan eliminated
#17 Torrie Wilson
Aaah good old nostalgia
Dana Brooke eliminated
#18 Ric Flair? He's an old woman now?

Oh wait, he is just here to introduce... his girlfriend?
#18 Lacey Evans

Charlotte doesn't approve of her Dad's girlfriend. Bloody teenagers. Commentators keep talking about all this personal family nonsense and I cringe. I should also mention that Jerry Lawler is out for commentary on this match and in 2021 is still making a stack of sexist comments, like how all these women fighting in little clothing is what heaven will be for him. Fuck that old pedophile.
Peyton Royce eliminated by Charlotte Flair because they are both wearing purple and that shit ain't going to pass
Torrie Wilson eliminated
Bayley eliminated. Wait, what?!? That's fucking stupid
#19 Mickie James
#20 Nikki Cross
This chick is a fucking idiot. Hikola explains she may possibly be from a small village in Australia where acting like a moron is their norm, so I should be more respectful of her culture.
#21 Alicia Fox
R-Truth's music hits - because no one can possibly come out without their music being played first - and wants to talk to her? Oh, he had the wrong rumble. Comedy! Now he's being chased by people after his 24/7 Championship, so he uses Alicia Fox as a human shield. She pins him instead.
Alicia Fox = new 24/7 Champion
#22 Mandy Rose
Alicia Fox eliminated
R-Truth uses that as an opportunity to regain his belt. More comedy!
R-Truth = new 24/7 Champion
#23 Dakota Kai
Mickie James eliminated
#24 Carmella
Not a bad plan; if you can't beat the champ, go out and get another chance to lose. Now her dude is holding a mirror, so he at least is finally showing some usefulness.
Dakota Kai eliminated
Rhea Ripley is straight-up murdering these little bitches.
Mandy Rose eliminated
Nikki Cross tries to eliminate Carmella, but her dude catches her and helps her back in the ring. Man, where was this chivalry in the last match? If he'd actually helped, she might not have had to enter this royal rumble match!
#25 Tamina 
For some reason, she punches the dude holding Carmella again - and now he drops her. Useless.
Carmella eliminated
Hey, Tamina. Remember when your Father murdered a woman and the boss of this shitty company helped cover it up?
Naomi eliminated - no, wait - her feet haven't touched the floor yet!
Hikola is more impressed that her sneakers are still lit up. Except for one shoe that is now stuck on 'blue'.
#26 Lana
#27 Alexa Bliss, playing the role of a pedophile's dream
About 8 women attack her, so I would imagine this little pipsqueak should be dead now. Instead, she starts some wacky magical "transformation". Thankfully, Rhea Ripley gives zero fucks.
Alexa Bliss eliminated by Rhea Ripley
Bahahahah that was fucking GOLD!
#28 Ember Moon
#29 Nia Jax
Oh great - it's the other fat piece of shit that has a job because of family.
Hikola: "Whooooaa HUGE! SOMEONE COULD DIE!"
Naomi eliminated
Hikola: "Baby, if I get as fat as her, will you still love me?"
Me: "According to pro-wrestling logic, you'd be invincible so it wouldn't matter"
Tamina eliminated
Holy jeebus, Nia Jax throws the worst fake looking punches since Shane McMahon.
Shayna Baszler eliminated by Nia Jax
Shayna is pissed, but Nia claims she didn't do it. We saw you. Hard to not see you, since you're the size of a fucking rhinoceros.
Pretty sure it's actually been about 6 minutes since someone entered the ring.
Nia Jax eliminated
#30 Natalya
Hikola thought she was coming out naked.

Probably a good way to make the others avoid touching you?
Nia and Shayna beat everyone up because this isn't quite dragging on enough.
Natalya and Lana recover and hug. Which of course means Natalya has to beat up Lana.
Hikola: "Of course! We are girls - we fight!"
Lana eliminated
Natalya eliminated
Lacey Evans must be hiding somewhere so she can fight Charlotte at the end.
Bianca and Rhea attack Charlotte, so clearly she is going to make her superwoman comeback and destroy them both.
Charlotte Flair eliminated
Holy shit am I getting everything wrong tonight?? Credit to WWE for not being 100% predictable for a change?
Rhea Ripley eliminated
Winner = Bianca Belair
4/10

Wait - so Lacey Evans was eliminated? I don't remember that happening at all. Or caring. Anyways, the match was pretty crap but that end sequence when it was just Bianca Belair and Rhea Ripley was actually really fun.

Bianca Belair is interviewed in the ring, and the first thing said is "You are going to WrestleMania!" Like... everyone in WWE goes to WrestleMania. Even old dudes that haven't wrestled in about 10 years. Hikola is in disbelief; after almost an hour in the Royal Rumble, Bianca Belair's lipstick is still flawless.

There is a WWE documentary on Yokozuna where they acknowledge he wasn't actually Japanese, while at the same time acting like he was the greatest Samoan wrestler of all-time or something. Motherfucker only became champion through lying about his lineage and cheating, so I don't think anyone should be looking up to him.

Backstage
The Miz and John Morrison say "Hi" to Bad Bunny. Three of the worst people in the fucking building... together... and not a bomb in sight. Miz wants to collab with Bad Bunny to make the world an even shittier place. Then he completely buries Booker T - which Booker T hears but does absolutely nothing about, like a total chump.
-5/10

Oooh the Royal Rumble panel are here to waste more time! They're hyped for Bianca "being able to point to the WrestleMania sign" - bitch, it's a sign hanging above the fucking ring that anyone can point to whenever they want. If there was a crowd, they could all do that. Apparently there was some shitty womens tag-team title match on the preshow and I think it would have made more sense to show this before we saw all these women in the royal rumble, so we would understand their issues. But I don't know, I guess I just like things making sense and WWE prefer the "WTF is going on?!?" approach. And now R-Truth is here to drag this to the fucking swamp, and is pinned by a dude on the panel?
New 24/7 Champion = Peter Something Nobodygivesafuck

JBL: "This could be the worst event in wrestling history"
Bro, it's still a bit better than anything that involved you.

Corey Graves tries to insult David Arquette. Fuck off, you corporate fake punk douche.

Video Package
Roman Reigns threw Kevin Owens off some stage that is supposed to make it look like he died, except it looks safer than the thing he jumped off at WrestleMania BY CHOICE so I'm just like 'fuck you, fatty'. Reigns was supposed to be fighting some old dude, but they realised that might be one old dude too many tonight and instead it will be Kevin Owens again?
5/10

Universal Championship
Last Man Standing
Roman Reigns (c) vs Kevin Owens
So when did these belts move brands? Last time I saw, the Universal belt was red because it was defended on Raw, and the WWE Championship was blue.
Hikola (about Kevin Owens): "His name looks like it should be Mac. I'm going to just call him Mac"
Roman Reigns thinks he's Walmart Thanos.

Hikola wants to figure out how much it would hurt being hit with those special WWE ring steps, so demonstrates on me using an empty Pepsi bottle. The "crowd" in the Thunderdome are only showing an interest when they realise they can see themselves on TV. It's so weird - I don't want to watch people watching a show on their laptops. The fake crowd noise is even stranger.
Anyways, this is typical 'last man standing' nonsense, with chairs and stairs and brawling around the arena. One of the commentators calls Kevin Owens Mac "a thinking man's wrestler"; except "a thinking man" wouldn't be fucking watching this. Plus Kevin Owens Mac is getting hit with a chair - "a thinking man" thinks that is fucking stupid. They end up backstage and there is another ring? Is it a backup in case this one blows up? Roman Reigns runs over Kevin Owens Mac with a golf kart.

Hikola: "Mac! Please don't die! Just kidding - you can die, please"
But apparently it didn't nothing, because Kevin Owens Mac recovers quicker from that than he did being thrown off a table. Then he lands a splash on Reigns, who sells that more than Kevin Owens Mac did being run over by a golf kart. Kevin Owens Mac then jumps off a raised forklift - remind me again why I should have any concern when he got thrown off a stage?

Reigns recovers and spears Kevin Owens Mac through some big LED screens. That's ok - WWE just made record profits during a pandemic after firing a bunch of people, so they can probably afford you to break more. Hikola now wants to do a real-life test comparing that to being run over. I'm thinking showing her this pretend violence was not a good idea...

Kevin Owens Mac handcuffs Reigns to the bottom of a lighting tower, and because he's sitting down the referee starts counting. Reigns kills that ref... so he can cheat? Then another ref comes out and starts counting BUT has to stop because Paul Heyman can't undo the handcuffs and get Reigns out of there. BAHAHAHAHA. So. Much. Fail.

FIVE... SI-Oh I think he just stood up, right?

LEGIT ONE WHOLE MINUTE LATER...

As soon as he does, however, he just chokes Kevin Owens Mac.
Winner = Roman Reigns via choke
2/10

Hikola: "There is a referee that's dead over there. He's been down for a count of 100 now - so does that mean the other referee wins?"

Feel like a champion and more! By buying a WWE title belt. What is the "more"? A total loser that will be made fun of by everyone you know?

Holy shit we're not wasting any time now!

Royal Rumble
#1 Edge
Hikola: "He looks like House - is this his second job?"
#2 Randy Orton
They just brawl outside the ring like it's a repeat of their super long boring WrestleMania match that I still want to slap them for.
#3 Sami Zayn
#4 Mustafa Ali
Everyone is beating up Edge for some reason. Wait - I though Randy Orton was a good guy and had burns on his face? Why is he healed and teaming up with bad guys?
Hikola thinks Ali's hair is too long for his height.
#5 Jeff Hardy
Michael Cole makes a reference to Jeff Hardy and Edge inspiring other wrestlers with their exciting tag-team matches. He skips over the fact that was 20 years ago and they are still the most popular wrestlers in the company. Orton is now beating up the heels. Which then results in more Edge vs Orton brawling outside the ring.
#6 Dolph Ziggler
This dude has a belt? But no one cares, because Edge is attacking Orton with a chair while the others all rest in the ring.
Jeff Hardy eliminated
#7 Shinsuke Nakamura
Orton is being helped backstage because he is now "injured"
#8 Carlito
Hikola: "Was this guy in Miami Vice?"
#9 Xavier Woods
#10 Big E
He and Xavier completely bury Sami Zayn
Sami Zayn eliminated
#11 John Morrison
Xavier Woods eliminated
Big E is not happy.
Mustafa Ali eliminated
#12 Ricochet
I think we've now cut to Randy Orton backstage about 7 times. Clearly he's more important than the Royal Rumble
#13 Elias
Carlito is still there? I thought for sure he was going out first after like 30 seconds.
Carlito eliminated
Wait - Elias actually got the better of someone? I really don't follow this company at all!
#14 Damian Priest
Elias eliminated
That's more like it...
#15 The Miz
Bad Bunny's DJ left his gear setup near the entrance, so The Miz breaks it. That's what you get for not packing down like a responsible gigging musician. Amateur. The commentators are furious. Yeah, I bet Bad Bunny will be super pissed having to replace his *checks inventory* iPod to play his shitty backing tracks. This of course brings out Bad Bunny - who Corey Graves calls "the biggest star on the planet". Explains why I've never heard of him and likely never will again.
The Miz and John Morrison eliminated
Bad Bunny hits them with a splash because celebrities have to do shitty wrestling.

#16 Matt Riddle
Oh cool, so now we've got a dude that hangs out with sex offenders and actual sex offenders in the ring. Great.
#17 Daniel Bryan
#18 Kane
He's back to being the dude in a mask shit - even though he refuses to wear one in real life.
Dolph Ziggler eliminated
Daniel Bryan wants to hug Kane. Of course, that results in him being choke-slammed.
Kane eliminated.
#19 King Corbin
Did I know he's a king? Did I care?
#20 Otis
And he's... doing the Bushwackers walk?

I like suplexes, so I like this Otis guy. Especially when he goes "Oh yeah!". The caterpillar move is dumb, though. Just stick to the suplexes. Or being stupid.
Otis eliminated
#21 Dominik Mysterio
Rey Mysterio's son is here? Where is Rogan Rodriguez when you need him...
King Corbin eliminated
#22 Bobby Lashley
#23 Hurricane
Didn't they cut this guy during the pandemic to help boost their record profits? Is self-respect something you must have zero of to be in pro-wrestling?
Hurricane eliminated
#24 Christian
Huh? How are all these old dudes that had to retire from injuries now suddenly getting medically cleared to wrestle again??
Bobby Lashley eliminated
Edge and Christian beat up Matt Riddle to make me happy.
#25 AJ Styles
Holy shit, I just remembered I used to watch him and Christian have awesome matches back in TNA. 13 years ago. Now he has some giant dude hanging out with him? That guy should just get in the ring and help.
#26 Rey Mysterio
Apparently Rey is plugging some beer tonight. Seriously. His entire entrance is dedicated to it.
Big E eliminated
#27 Sheamus
Rey Mysterio eliminated

AJ's giant friend is hilarious - do that more!
#28 Cesaro
A giant swing looks cool, but won't help you eliminate anyone.
#29 Seth Rollins
#30 Braun Strowman
He tries to throw out AJ Styles, but his giant friend don't play that game.

Cesaro eliminated
Sheamus eliminated
Then Strowman tricks AJ's giant friend by throwing AJ out where he didn't think he'd be.

AJ Styles eliminated
Michael Cole: "You're not going to win a striking battle with Matt Riddle"

Daniel Bryan eliminated
Matt Riddle eliminated
What a fucking idiot. And rapist.
Seth Rollins yells instructions at Braun Strowman, so Strowman beats him up.
Hikola is falling asleep due to the lack of good-looking men left on the show.
Christian eliminated
Braun Strowman eliminated
Seth Rollins eliminated
Edge wins?

SWERVE Randy Orton is back - he was never really eliminated. BAHAHAHA but Edge dumps him out immediately anyway.
Randy Orton eliminated
Winner = Edge via 29 other dudes being thrown out of a ring
3/10

So Edge wins from #1.

Meh.

Hikola: "There was nothing on the show that really bored me, and I definitely preferred the Women's Royal Rumble match to the men's."
Hikola's Score = 8/10

Logman: "I figured Edge was winning from #1 as soon as he came out. This show wasn't boring, but how in the fuck Hikola could give it an 8/10 tells me she is crazy - which is why she's married to me, I guess. I don't know what to say, except I had no idea how long it would take me to bLog about this nonsense and probably won't do a Royal Rumble again. Fuck that"
Logman's score = 4/10

WrestleMania April Madness: WrestleMania XXXIII

2 April 2017
Camping World Stadium
Orlando, Florida

Attendance: 75,245

Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Byron Saxton, Tom Phillips, John "Bradshaw" Layfield, David Otunga

My thoughts before this viewing:
It's Good Friday! So I'm watching WrestleMania - which makes it Bad Friday?
I have no idea what to expect here... what's on the menu? Goldberg vs Brock Lesnar? Interesting... a rematch of their "classic" bout 13 years ago, featuring an old man who hasn't wrestled since their joke of a bout 13 years ago. What else? Undertaker vs Roman Reigns? Why should I care? AJ Styles!! Vs Shane fucking McMahon?? What in the actual fuck is that supposed to be?!?!

Fuck this show.

America the Beautiful
Tinashe? Who??
The crowd agrees and boos her into oblivion. But then they like her at the end because she sang about America and shit.
6/10

Opening Video Package
WrestleMania is an amusement park ride. Gawd these muthafuckers love their video game graphics. I wish WrestleMania was as fun as a video game.
2/10

New Day are our hosts this year. I'm not sure why WrestleMania ever needs a host; in my experience, the hosts appear at the start and then only return for some tragic unfunny skit. Maybe. It takes them half an hour to make their way to the ring, which gives WWE time to introduce all 97 different commentary teams. Michael Cole pretends to know everything about Final Fantasy so kids will think he's cool. It might work, because kids are stupid. Luckily, I'm not, so fuck him.

Ad for some shit WWE phone game. It's just Bejewelled Blitz but with WWE pictures.
Kill my phone.

Video Package
AJ Styles loses. A lot.
He's angry. So am I.
He better be getting paid some serious coin to put up with this nonsense.
5/10

AJ Styles vs Shane McMahon
The commentary team are very offended that AJ would be fighting his "boss". But when Steve Austin did it, it was cool? Now they're hyping Shane like he's some sort of MMA legend. I guess that's why he throws the ugliest, fakest punches on the planet.

"Shane doesn't know fear!"
He also doesn't know how to wrestle. BUT he does know how to throw fake ugly punches.
Constantly. For 15 minutes. In fact, he's been winning this entire time - what the actual fuck is this?!? He's not a wrestler and AJ Styles is the best in the world. AJ should have come in and smoked this fucker in 2 minutes, not have Shane kick out of his finisher - and then AJ has to fight off 20 different fakeass looking BJJ submission attempts. Now the Spanish announce desk gets destroyed - first match? How are they supposed to call the action for the next 5 hours? Good luck with your coverage, Mexico - your announcers will have to watch the rest of the show on their phones. They'll need to sign up to the WWE Network right away. Actually, that means 2 new subscribers - smart thinking, WWE! Unlike having Shance McMahon look better than AJ FUCKING STYLES.
Winner = AJ Styles via pinfall following Phenomenal Forearm and not any of his actual awesome finishers
4/10

Styles won but was made to look like a chump.
Fuck this show.

Snickers made another ad where some loser eats a Snickers and then turns into Ric Flair's daughter.
Next year I will eat a Snickers with WrestleMania. And a shotgun.

Video Package
Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens were the best of friends! Except Owens was just pretending. So Jericho put Owens on his "list". Is it a list of people who think Y2J is lame and should fuck off? Feel free to add me to it.
2/10

US Championship
Chris Jericho (c) vs Kevin Owens
Twitter likes Jericho's light-up scarf. Muthafuckers obviously need to pay attention at Xmas. If it were Xmas now, I wouldn't have to be watching WrestleMania. Let's go Xmas! *Clap clap clap clap*
Winner = Kevin Owens via pinfall following powerbomb thing on the ring apron that no one cared about
3/10
New champion!

Aaaaaand I'm bored already. Maybe I should try some tequila. Or at least overdosing on Easter eggs?

Ad for the next event - Payback.
Fuck that show, too.

They give thanks to Tinashe for singing tonight. The cover for her new single is mighty skanky, so thanks for that too?

Video Package
It looks like Charlotte and Sasha had like 158 matches. Seems boring - are there no other women in this company? Oh, now we have Bayley who I'm completely indifferent towards until they show a picture of her as a child with Bret Hart, so clearly now she must win. None of this matters, because the whole thing is set to the cheesiest music possible and is just a promo for some teen drama series like The OC.
4/10

Women's Championship
Fatal 4-Way
Bayley (c) vs Charlotte Flair vs Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax
Champ out first because not even a photo with Bret Hart means Bayley has personality. It just means Bret Hart will take a picture with anyone - which gives me great hope, should I ever meet him. The happy inflatable things are cooler than anyone in this match.

Nia Jax is the only woman in the history of WWE that isn't just a playboy stripper. She's The Rock's cousin and, according to Corey Graves, "wants to have the same WrestleMania success as The Rock". Didn't The Rock lose every big match he ever had at WrestleMania? I mean, he lost 3 consecutive main events at his best - if that's your goal, then feel free to aim for the fucking bottom.

Shasha gets a car or something to take her to the ring - pays to have a relative more famous than you or the WWE. Her and Bayley just look like a couple of kids playing dress-up or something - there is nothing believable about them being wrestlers whatsoever.

These entrances are taking forever. They've taken so long I could have made my birthday cake, then celebrated my birthday and eaten the cake, then done my dishes. It's not my birthday for another month. I'm totally going to order pizza and not watch WrestleMania.

Nia just destroys these women and it makes me smile. The highlight of the fucking show is watching a fat lady beat these chicks with ease. I'm telling you, being fat is a completely underrated skill in pro-wrestling.
Nia eliminated via pinfall

Oh cool - you finally get a woman that is a big unstoppable monster... and then have her stopped right away.
Sasha eliminated via head hitting an exposed turnbuckle
That's a great move. Everyone should use it all the time - except do it harder so it knocks them all out and they stop wrestling.
Winner = Bayley via pinfall on Charlotte following top rope elbow drop
4/10

Commentators call it the "Macho Man elbow". Does it make her opponent have a heart attack and crash? Apparently Randy Savage is her hero, despite her being a mere child when he died and she's probably never even seen one of his matches. But whatever.

Hall of Fame Class of 2018
They actually inducted some legit people for once. Except for some dude in a wheelchair whose only tie to pro-wrestling is he maybe bought a John Cena t-shirt once. I'm here writing about every WrestleMania ever so I am way more deserving. Kurt Angle spilled milk all over his tuxedo - someone please find that man a doctor.

WWE Tag-Team Titles
Ladder Match
The Club (c) vs Sheamus & Cesaro vs Enzo Amore & Big Cass

New Day are back because they've remembered they are hosting and probably only get paid per appearance. And they're still dressed as pirates... so they add the The Hardy Boyz to the match.

WWE Tag-Team Titles
Fatal 4-Way Ladder Match
The Club (c) vs Sheamus & Cesaro vs Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs The Hardy Boyz
Holy shit these guys have aged 100 years since they were last here. How on Earth did they pass the drug tests?
"The crowd is in shock!"
No they aren't - mutherfuckers were chanting for the Hardy's before New Day even came out. The crowd knew what was going down. Probably better than the Hardy's.

Wait - a fatal 4-way ladder match? How the fuck does that even make sense? You can't eliminate people in a ladder match! Fucking stupid WWE are so fucking stupid they don't even understand how their own fucking matches work. Fuck you.

But that match was a lot of fun. So fuck me?
Winners = The Hardy Boyz via Matt Hardy climbing a ladder and not failing a drug test. Yet.
8/10
New champions!

Ad for the WWE Network.
Everything it has to offer can be downloaded for free. Or not. I have better things to watch.
Fuck your network.

Jimmy Fallon is in the crowd, if you needed more reasons to hate the guy.

Video Package
Maryse tried talking shit to John Cena, but her trash-talk is so terrible not even he can keep a straight face. You know, despite WWE's money and resources, Miz and Maryse make shittier YouTube videos than your average basement High School student.
6/10

John Cena & Nikki Bella vs The Miz & Maryse
Special Guest Commentator: Jerry "the King" Lawler
Special Guest Ring Announcer: Al Roker
This is such a big deal we need Jerry Lawler to make his perverted comments? Al Roker calls himself "Chocolate Thunder". BWAHAHAHAHAHA I'm actually laughing my ass off right now. This show has immediately improved beyond belief. End now and you get top marks!
Instead you continue... and... give me... The Miz?

Fuck you.

The Miz is such a superstar that the WWE consider his entrance the perfect time introduce the other 621 commentary teams for all the third-world countries.
As always, the fans get a kick out of someone beating up John Cena. Though I don't understand their joy this year - The Miz is fucking terrible.
And now I've lost sound. I'd complain, but it means I no longer have to listen to JBL and Jerry Lawler. This show truly has improved!
Winners = John Cena & Nikki Bella via double pinfall
3/10

John Cena is so happy about finally defeating The Miz at WrestleMania that he asks some woman named Stephanie to marry him. Nikki Bella says yes her place? Odd. And now grown men in the front row are straight up bawling while John and Nikki make out in the middle of the ring.

Video Package
HHH made Seth Rollins a star! But Seth followed the H Bomb's example by getting injured all the time, and that shit only flies when you're married to the boss' daughter. I miss Rollins' hairstyle with the white streak. And his naked pictures. You know what I don't miss but would love to? HHH. And Metallica. It's actually like WWE hate me.
5/10

Unsanctioned Match
Seth Rollins vs HHH
Well now, let's see how much they decided to spend on Big Nose Jerk Face's entrance this year...
Oh, this year he has a team of motorcycle cops to accompany him to the ring. And he has his own stupid ugly bike. It doesn't even sound tough - just sounds like a toy. This guy... he does strike me as the type to get a motorbike in order to combat some sort of midlife crisis.

Holy zombie Jeebus, he really does make me hate the show so fucking much. How about next WrestleMania you put this asshole on first so I can get all the bad shit out of the way immediately? He looks like he's been following the Vince McMahon diet of tanning and steroid sandwiches. Maybe he could also follow the Vince McMahon "looks like he's about to die" lifestyle and fuck off?
Seth Rollins thinks he is Kane and turns the runway into some sort of magic lava that only he can walk on.

Hey now - they replaced the broken table from earlier? Better make sure you break this one as well, then.
You know, for an "unsanctioned" match, they sure are doing a whole lot of basic pro-wrasslin'.
Apparently, shouting "I want to cripple Seth Rollins" is cryptic? Sounds pretty fucking clear to me. That's like when I say "I want tequila". Who knows what I'm asking for, right? Tequila? A Volkswagon?
Fuck you, commentators.
Why does Stephanie have to keep waiting for the referee to be distracted before she can interfere? This is an "unsanctioned" match - there are no rules! She could be in the ring all the time, just kicking Seth Rollins in the balls. In fact, if the WWE have not "sanctioned" this match, why did they provide a referee? And a ring? And a time slot in the biggest show of the year?
Rollins and HHH trade submission moves - but it just comes across like they're hugging.
According to Corey douchehaircut Graves, Rollins has the flu, which "might actually aid him in this fight!". Because if you talk to any Olympian, they'll tell you how they compete at their very best when they are sick and injured. At weigh-ins for combat sports, the fighters usually say stuff like "I had a great training camp and I'm feeling in shape, ready to take him on! It's a real bummer. I wish I were sick, because I think that would be really give me the edge in our fight!"
Corey Graves now thinks "Cerebral Assassin" means beating people with sledgehammers. Fucking. Moron.
"This is very, VERY real!"
No, it's not. It's fucking acting. Most of it terrible. Seth Rollins and HHH aren't even their real fucking names.
You know what would have been fun? Seth Rollins vs AJ Styles. They could have had HHH open the show with a long, shitty match against Shane McMahon, and then had AJ Styles against Seth Rollins - minus the fake injury that has kept him from doing anything awesome in this match. I'm pretty sure I would have given more than one shit about that match. I would have given all of the shits!
Winner = Seth Rollins via pinfall following pedigree
5/10

Musical Performance
Pitbull with Stephen Marley. Pitbull hangs out with Enrique Iglesias and that is cool. Pity his music is balls and not cool. Anyone that needs to rap with another vocal track is garbage in my books. Oh great, now some other fat dude is here to sing along. They've just got the song up loud and these three are singing along. Barely.
1/10

And that 1 is only because some of the dancers are hot.

Dancers have the best butts.

Video Package
Randy Orton and Bray Wyatt were enemies. Then best friends. Now they're enemies again because Randy was just pretending! Wrestlers really suck at knowing who their friends are. Y'all should get some friends outside of wrestling - but not me. I think you're all stupid.
2/10

WWE Championship
Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt (c)
Champ out first again? Maybe everyone sucks so much that they just don't even care anymore?
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA this is the worst graphic I've seen since that kid and his photoshop for WM17

It's fucking 2017. WWE has money but can't do something better than that? A kid with an iPhone could do a better job. Sharknado could do a better job!
I'd like to know what Corey Graves and his stupid haircut think "apex predator" means. Randy hunts apexes?
More stupid graphics BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Winner = Randy Orton via not succumbing to the black hole of terrible projections
2/10
New champion!

I think the crowd cared even less than me.

When you are sweaty and pulling a stupid face, Tapout is the clothing for you!

Ad for Total Divas.
I'd sooner review WrestleMania 34.

Recap of some planes flying earlier so they can introduce some dudes that want to be like Val Kilmer. Or me. I was fucking ace at F-14 Tomcat on the Commodore 64.

Video Package
Goldberg became a legend when he did the unthinkable and defeated La Parka! Oh, and he beat Brock Lesnar twice or something. So now they have to fight again? Paul Heyman makes it all seem way more important than it probably is. And yet still not as important as defeating La Parka.
8/10

WWE Universal Championship
Goldberg (c) vs Brock Lesnar
Paul Heyman also announces Brock Lesnar because he does everything better than anyone else in the WWE. Hahahahaha these guys only have two wrestling moves between them; all Goldberg do is the "spear" and all Lesnar can do is suplex (city, bitch). It's like I am playing a wrestling game but I'm not even good enough to mash the buttons. Eventually, Brock decides he is tired from all the suplexes and ends the game before he dies.
Winner = Brock Lesnar via pinfall following 10 German suplexes and an F5
7/10
New champion!

Brock Lesnar finally defeats Goldberg? Took him 20 years and 3 attempts. Bret Hart beat Goldberg twice - so Brock Lesnar is only half as good as Bret Hart.

Corey Graves didn't watch Superman II with his eyes open and thinks Superman lost.

Buy WWE merch! 33% off my entire order? Wow - that's only 67% I'm totally not interested in paying!

Oh shit, I'd forgotten there was another match - I was about to pack up and go home.

Smackdown Women's Championship - I don't even know what this is called
Alexa Bliss (c) vs Becky Lynch vs Mickie James vs Carmella vs Nattie vs Naomi
Naomi decides to use as much of energy as she possibly can by having her own private dance party on the stage and on her way to the ring.

That seems like a great plan right before the biggest match of your career. Her slogan is "Feel the Glow!" You can't make this shit up! Well, actually you can because someone did. You just have to be a fucking moron.
Becky Lynch still looks like a troll from Labyrinth.

Mickie James thinks she is Tatanka.

I'm like a reporter at the OSCARs asking women what they are wearing and commenting on their outfits, instead of asking them anything relevant or paying attention to their skills and accomplishments. Except most actresses deserve respect and dress awesome at the OSCARS. These women have a stupid job, aren't good at their stupid job and look stupid while doing it. Poorly.
Turns out the first person to get a pin wins the championship, so the current champion just hides and doesn't even get involved 90% of the match.
No.
Sense.
Ever.
Winner = Naomi via some weird submission thing
2/10

You mean that the hometown girl that was given an entrance the length and spectacle of all the other women's combined - including the current champion - was booked to win the match? Shocking!

Feel the glow!

Ad for Payback.
Why do they even bother advertising these shows? The only way I can watch is on the WWE Network, which I must already be subscribed to if I am watching this show. It doesn't cost any extra. I'd declare that a bargain, but this shit's not even worth my internet usage to illegally download.

New Day are back! Of course - the other job of the "host" is to announce the attendance number! Good job, New Day. You are 3 wrestlers at the biggest wrestling event of the year and WWE can't even be bothered booking you in a wrestling match. You should be proud.

Video Package
The Undertaker is old. He and Roman Reigns both think they are dogs living in a yard. I can probably excuse Undertaker for that, as he has taken many a blow to the head over his career. And is old. Then we get some highlights of The Undertaker's career. Foreboding...
6/10

The Undertaker vs Roman Reigns
Guest commentator: Jim Ross
JR is here to commentate? More foreboding...
And no disqualification? EVEN MORE FOREBODING...
If this is The Undertaker's final match, he better come dressed as an undertaker again and shoot some lightning bolts and bring his urn - none of this old man leather cowboy nonsense, ok? If he came out in his Limp Bizkit redneck biker outfit, that would actually be the funniest.

Nope - old man leather cowboy. Lame. And now the commentators are hyping Roman as the underdog. More lame.
Now Roman is a "young machine". I thought he was a dog and he was intruding on Undertaker's yard?
They keep saying Undertaker is the "greatest performer in WrestleMania history!". Muthafuckers should be forced to watching his first 10 WrestleMania matches and then find the balls to say that.
Wait - now this is the biggest match in Roman Reigns' career? Uh, last year he was in the main event for the WWE Championship in front of the biggest crowd in WWE history. But sure, you're right - wrestling an old man that is basically retired in front of a smaller crowd and with no championship implications is totally more important.
This was apparently a "Superman punch":

Well, that explains Corey Graves' plot description of Superman II. He obviously watched a movie about a retard kid playing wrestling, probably saw a Superman t-shirt in it, is a retard himself, and assumed "FHOYFODSHFLNJ SUUUUPERMAN OERIUELLDHFS".

Fuck you, Corey Graves.

Roman Reigns is now "a monster. But Undertaker is a legitimate monster!"
So, Roman is just a fake monster? Is he like a dude online pretending to be a monster but he's really just a dog machine? I don't know, a dog machine sounds a lot like a monster. Or at least, something a monster would battle.

This match is just a one-sided beatdown that shamelessly mimics Undertaker's previous WrestleMania matches with HBK and HHH. Except with Roman doing the beating. Because Undertaker is old. And Roman Reigns is the new young dog machine faux monster.
Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall following punches and spears and other boring shit
3/10

"Roman Reigns is the future!"
Seriously?
Muthafucka has now main-evented the last THREE WrestleManias - he's the fucking now!

This says a lot about the state of WWE; when The Rock was in his third WrestleMania main event, he was the biggest star in the company and on the verge of Hollywood stardom. Roman Reigns main events for the third time and people still barely give a shit about him. Hell, he's about to main event his FOURTH WrestleMania and is probably liked even less!

Celebrations
The crowd chant for "Undertaker" so he puts all his gear back on and gives the crowd a little twirl, then takes it all off again and leaves it in the ring for someone else to deal with. Lazy bastard. I get that it is heavy and you've just had a long match and the walk to the back is long, but your sweaty gloves and coat and hat should be your responsibility. Fucking diva.

WrestleMania XXXIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   I have to go with the Fatal(ly Flawed) Four-Way Tag Team Ladder Match. It was way more fun than I had anticipated.
2. Worst Match
   Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt. As if the boredom was bad enough, we got some shitty pictures on the ring to complete the cycle of suck.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Hmmm... AJ Styles did some cool moves. There was a picture of Bret Hart. Hot dancers, maybe?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Those graphics they projected during the Wyatt/Orton match. Ooooh Bray Wyatt you are so scary!
5. Star of the Show
   A.J. Fucking. Styles! Dude was saddled with Shane McMahon and still did his best to make it awesome. He failed, but he fucking tried!!!
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   I don't know... the cover for Tinashe's single?
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Pitbull and his collection of idiots. Well done, Jimmy Fallon - your annoyingness was outdone.
8. Tonight's Meal
   This time I went with straight up vege wraps; baby spinach, red onion, red & green capsicum, mushroom, tomato, avocado and olives topped with an aubergine & cashew hummus. Quite refreshing!
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I tried to make a mess on it to distract me from the stupidity of this show. I couldn't even get that right. Thanks WWE!
10. Overall Score
    Again, soooooo fucking long! OK, not nearly as long as that last exercise in torture... but still! The entrances were all unnecessary - next time they do one of these giant stadiums, they should use that little cart they had for WrestleMania III so we don't have to wait 7 minutes for each wrestler to get to the ring. And so many fucking ads! Is that what your WWE Network fee pays for each month? A bunch of shitty ads for shitty products? If I were a subscriber, I'd want a refund. And less shitty wrestling.
    4 out of 10