WrestleMania March Madness, Day Fifteen: WrestleMania XV

28 March 1999

First Union Center
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - USA

Attendance: 20,276

Commentators: Michael Cole & Jerry 'the King' Lawler

My thoughts before this viewing:
This was the first WrestleMania in years that I was able to watch as it happened on TV. I remember getting together with some friends, getting a truckload of takeaways and making a real night of it. Because things like WrestleMania are always more enjoyable when you are with friends. So imagine how crap this must have been if we all walked away laughing at how bad it was? It is one of the few WrestleManias I have never bothered to re-visit, purely based on how bad I remember it being; it is the pinnacle of the 'Attitude Era' and I remember it capturing how terrible 1999 was for pro-wrestling. So let's see if a lonesome LOGMAN can find any enjoyment from this show in its second deployment...

America the Beautiful
Boyz II Men are here to sing this for us and the crowd boo. Bunch of savages. Then Boyz II Men kill it so the crowd cheer. Seriously, what did they expect from Boyz II Men? They can sing awesome as hell.
9/10

Opening Video Package
Classy Freddie Blassie puts over today's wrestlers as gods. He must be really hard up for cash to say such lies.
6/10

WWF Hardcore Championship Match
'Bad Ass' Billy Gunn (c) vs Al Snow vs Hardcore Holly

Billy Gunn says he is an "ass man" but he seems to like his crotch a great deal. I guess "Bad Balls Billy Gunn" doesn't have the same ring to it?
Winner = Hardcore Holly via pinfall following sneak attack with a steel chair - which is totally legal in a hardcore match
New Champion!
3/10

WWF Tag Team Championship
D'Lo Brown (w/Ivory) & Test vs Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett (c) (w/Debra)

Debra wins the 'outfit of the night' competition.

Winners = Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett via pinfall following missile dropkick from Owen.
2/10
What a crap way for Owen to end his WrestleMania career - he didn't even pay any attention to Debra's ass! Of course, he would die tragically in the ring 2 months later.

D'Lo and Test fight because?

Isaac Hayes is here! He was coolness.

Video Package
Hype for the boxing match. Yes another boxing match. Except this time it was legit. People are picking Bart Gunn because he won the 'Brawl For All' - WWF's attempt at MMA to prove the wrestlers are really tough. So now Bart Gunn is facing Butterbean, a super-heavyweight boxing champion.
3/10

Gorilla Monsoon is here! But he doesn't look good. He would pass away 6 months later.

Brawl For All
Bart Gunn vs Butterbean
Wrestler vs boxer? It last 30 seconds - guess how it ends?

Winner = Butterbean via knockout
3/10 for the hilarity

And that's how you make wrestlers look fake and weak.

A guy in a chicken costume gets in the ring and acts silly, so another boxer dude punches him. Yes - a chicken just got beat up. Fuck this show.

Earlier
Big Show and Mankind fight backstage

Backstage
Kevin Kelly talks to Mankind about how much he wants to be the referee in the main event.
2/10

Mankind vs The Big Show
The winner will get to be the referee in tonight's main event.

Who would want to be the referee in the main event? The referees in those things always get beat up - seems like a pretty crappy prize for winning a match. Someone in the crowd has a sign that says "Hulkamania Forever" on one side and "We Want Hitman Back" on the other side. I like this person.
Winner = Mankind via disqualification
3/10

Vince comes out and is immediately talking shit to Big Show, so he gets beat up for his troubles. Wasn't as good as the beating the Hitman gave him, I'm sure.

Jerry Lawler: "This is awful!"
How right you are!

Four Corners Elimination Match
WWF Intercontinental Championship
Road Dogg (c) vs Goldust (w/Ryan Shamrock & The Blue Meanie) vs Val Venis vs Ken Shamrock

Ryan Shamrock is apparently Ken's little sister. And according to the commentators, she is a total slut. Which I guess is supposed to be funny? I don't know, if all these dudes backstage have no problem messing around with her then Ken can't really be as dangerous as they claim. Road Dogg will not be out-classed:

Remember last year when they did a 4-way elimination match like this and half the participants were eliminated at the same time?
Val Venis & Ken Shamrock are both eliminated via countout.
Shamrock goes nuts again, but really weakly. No wonder he got his ass kicked when he went back to the UFC.
Winner = Road Dogg via pinfall following something
2/10

Backstage
The Big Show is arrested for beating up Vince McMahon. Where is that Obi-Wan Kenobi/Annakin Skywalker gif again...
1/10

Video Package
We get a recap of the feud between Kane and Triple H. Chyna turned on Triple H and Degeneration-X to join forces with Kane, who now works for Vince McMahon. Kane accidentally hit Chyna with a fireball and then Triple H got revenge by attacking Kane with some sort of flame thrower. Confused?
1/10

The guy in the chicken costume is back and he attacks Kane. Turns out it is Pete Rose - the baseball guy that Kane beat up last year. So Kane beats him up again! Oh the comedy...
-1/10

Fuck this show

Triple H vs Kane
I've never understood why he shortened his name to Triple H instead of HHH - writing Triple takes way longer than just HH. Guess it's better than 'Big-nosed Cock Face'. HHH tears his shirt off because he thinks all the H's make him Hulk Hogan. We are told Chyna needs special surgery to repair her burnt retina. Really? Because here she is to beat up Kane with a chair and she looks fine. Well, she looks like a scary man/woman, but that's normal for Chyna.
Winner = Kane via disqualification
Then both Chyna and Triple H beat him up.
3/10

Michael Cole calls this "a reunion in the city of brotherly love". He said it, not me.

Backstage
Vince McMahon tells Kevin Kelly that since Mick Foley has been sent to the hospital, he will now be the referee in the main event himself! Oh what a swerve!
2/10

WWF Women's Championship
Sable (c) vs Tori
Who the hell is Tori and what the hell is she wearing?

Michael Cole proves he is completely out of touch with pop culture and claims she looks like Catwoman - obviously he has never seen anything to do with Batman. Maybe she is Botchwoman? Because she is all kinds of terrible. She almost makes Sable look talented. No wait, Sable is also very capable of looking terrible.
Winner = Sable via pinfall following sablebomb
-2/10

It's amazing looking back just how not hot Sable was.

Video Package
Shane McMahon beat X-Pac for the European championship. The funniest line is when Shane says "defeating you will be as easy as 1-2-3, kid." Because X-Pac used to be called the 1-2-3 Kid. He actually sucked a little less then.
4/10

WWF European Championship
X-Pac vs Shane McMahon (c) (w/Test)
Degeneration-X cut a quick promo backstage to say they are now stronger than ever, yet no one comes out to help X-Pac the entire match while Shane and Test beat the crap out of him. What shitty friends. Oh wait, here comes HHH and Chyna to help him! Nope, they are here to beat him up - swerve!
Winner = Shane McMahon via pinfall following pedigree from Triple H
5/10

So now Triple H has joined the Corporation - what a swerve! Fucking swerves all over the place.

Lots of fighting so Kane comes out to his full entrance just to get involved and chase everyone off. Fuck this show.

Video Package
The Undertaker set fire to Vince McMahon's teddy bear because he apparently wants to be the owner of the WWF. Because that's how all business negotiatians start out.
1/10

Fuck this show?

Nah - look at the amazing graphics!

Hell in a Cell
The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs The Big Boss Man
Looks like the Big Boss Man has finally been promoted from prison guard to SWAT team or something. Guess all those years of not showing up to work at the prison so he could wrestle fat dudes paid off. The Undertaker is now dressing like he is from Gwar.

And his t-shirt has a boob window. That would be awesome, except he isn't a hot chick with big boobs.

Michael Cole continues to prove he has no brain: "This isn't your regular steel cage - you could get a finger caught in there!". So that's the worst that could happen in this match? I could get my finger hurt? Didn't Steve Austin break his neck in just a regular match? Dude obviously should have made sure all his matches were a Hell in a Cell match. He might have cut his finger but he wouldn't have needed spinal fusion surgery. The crowd actually seem to care less about this match than I do.
Winner = The Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
-1/10

And then he hangs the Big Boss Man from the cage. And yes I do mean hang. Guess having a shitty match with The Undertaker is punishable by death - then why are Jimmy Snuka and King Kong Bundy still alive?
-5/10

There was a big party for WrestleMania weekend and I wasn't invited. Didn't look like fun, anyway.

Michael Cole finally accepts he sucks at commentary so introduces Jim Ross to take his place. Jerry Lawler: "You can't have a WrestleMania without good old JR!" Uh, yeah we had like 8 of them before he even started working here.

Shawn Michaels is apparently the WWF commissioner and decides Vince McMahon can not be the referee - swerve! Even the swerve just got swerved!

The tagline for this show should have been WrestleMania XV: You Got Swerved!

Of course, all of this takes Shawn Michaels 25 minutes to say in his rambling ways.
-1/10

Main Event
WWF Championship
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs The Rock (c)
Oh look - the champ comes out first because fuck this show.

Three referees get beaten up - thus proving my point that no one with half a brain should want that job. So Mick Foley comes down and counts the pin. Remember when they said he was at the hospital? I guess the American health system is really awesome.
Winner = 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin via pinfall following stone cold stunner
New Champion!
6/10

Vince is all sad face because he hates Steve Austin.

Steve Austin drinks beer and celebrates while his theme play to send... no, wait - we are not done! After celebrating for 10 minutes, Austin drags Vince into the ring and hits him with the stunner. Then it's time for more beer and music to send us out!

WrestleMania XV: The Awards

1. Best Match
   'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs The Rock
   But that isn't saying much. The closest challenger was X-Pac - one of my least favourite wrestlers ever - against a guy that is not actually a wrestler.
2. Worst Match
   Sable vs Tori
   That was botchamania served cold.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Debra's ass.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Hanging a dude from the steel cage. Just... I just... fuck.
5. Star of the Show
   'Stone Cold' Steve Austin. Everyone outside of him and The Rock looked like dorks. The Rock is way more awesome, by the way.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Boyz II Men can sing awesome as hell.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Boxing dudes that I have no interest in. I'm on the fence when it comes to Butterbean; he made the WWF look stupid but he was just doing what he does and that is knock people out.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight I had the usual salad veges: baby spinach, cucumber, red onion, capsicum and tomato, with left over onion bahjis and pakoras, because I figured this show was going to suck anyway so why waste a good meal on it? The Oatmeal Creme pie went down fine, as did the 7-Up Light.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   There seems to be a direct correlation between the crappiness of the WrestleMania and the amount of food I spill on my person, because tonight I didn't spill a thing on this t-shirt. Which is kinda good, because it is looking very gross.
10. Overall Score
    Where the last shows were boring but broken up by one or two good matches, this show was boring but broken up by one or two terrible matches. I kinda wish I had some friends so we could have at least found some humour in this stupidity. But then they would have stopped being my friends anyway for making them watch this show.
    1 out of 10
    
    
    
    

WrestleMania March Madness, Day Fourteen: WrestleMania XIV

29 March 1998
FleetCenter
Boston, Massachusetts - USA

Attendance: 19,028

Commentators: Jim Ross & Jerry 'the King' Lawler

My thoughts before this viewing:
I remember wanting to watch this when it was shown on TV, but I had to work that night. And everyone was watching it in the break room so I kept avoiding it as much as I could. Then I was super annoyed because it took forever to come out on video so I could finally watch it. What a maroon I can be. I don't recall much other than The Rock being hilarious, 'Stone Cold' Steven Austin being a total badass and The Undertaker & Kane being awesome. I'll explain why later. But yeah, this show is what launched 'The Attitude Era' and saved the WWF from going out of business, making a household name out of that Steve Austin guy. And not the Billion Dollar Man (though he was already a household name. That show is so awesome, I really must watch that again at some point when WrestleManias don't consume my life).

National Anthem/America the Beautiful
The Degeneration-X band are here to perform the "alternative" versions of these song. This is the first time I've ever heard Americans boo their own national anthem.
-1/10

Opening Video Package
People are concerned tradition is dead at WrestleMania, but tonight will prove tradition is alive. You dare say this after that musical performance???
3/10

15 Tag Team Battle Royal
The Legion of Doom are now with Sunny and sporting a new look.

They have even grown out the mohawks. Bad move - makes them look like old Dads. Bad guys that aren't even in the match are allowed to just walk in at will and eliminate dudes they don't like, then leave. Interesting rules. The Headbangers have added some colour to their outfits. They still suck and look even suckier, but now they do it with colour.
Winners = The Legion of Doom
4/10

Everyone has a 3:16 sign of some sort, whether it be Steven Austin, their own names or Eric Cartman. It's 1998 - South Park was SUPER popular.

Honky Tonk Man is here to promote the hotline. Loser.

WWF Light Heavyweight Championship
Taka Michinoku (c) vs Aguila
Jerry Lawler assures us his son could beat both men. Fair enough - he is a trained pro-wrestler and is about twice the size of either man. And neither of these men are particularly good at anything.
Winner = Taka Michinoku via pinfall following Michinoku Driver
3/10

I like high-flying matches but WCW and Mexico had all the best talent at it, so the WWF had to settle for these guys.

Backstage
Gennifer Flowers is interviewing The Rock, who assures her he is the people's champ. They discuss how much better America would be if The Rock was the President. His shirt is awesome.
8/10

WWF European Championship
Owen Hart vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley (c) (w/Chyna)

Hunter is played in by the Degeneration-X band, who perform the Degeneration-X theme. They are even shit at their own songs. The H bomb is starting to use the name 'Triple H/HHH' because he is obviously not good at long words. Chyna will be handcuffed to Sgt Slaughter so she doesn't interfere. Owen is the last of the Hart Foundation left in the WWF - let's see how that works out for him... Oh, he gets punched in the balls by Chyna. Of course...

Winner = HHH via pinfall following low blow and pedigree
5/10

Chyna then beats up Sgt. Slaughter.

Buy 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin's new t-shirt!

Video Package
Marc Mero is not as popular as his wife and her implants so he brought in some bad guys to get rid of her? No sense required.
3/10

Mixed Tag Team Match
Marc Mero & Sable vs Goldust & Luna Vachon
Oh he is 'The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust' now. What a great name. Marc Mero no longer looks like Little Richard. Sable still has wonky eyes. Sable powerbombs Luna who completely no sells it, so she uses Marc Mero's finisher instead to piss him off.
Winners = Marc Mero & Sable via pinfall following TKO on Luna from Sable
2/10

Tenessee Lee introduces Jeff Jarrett and Gennifer Flowers for no apparent reason. I love that Vince McMahon seems to hate Bill Clinton so much that he is willing to hire someone that is only known for having an affair with him.

WWF Intercontinental Championship
Ken Shamrock vs The Rock (c) (w/The Nation of Domination)
Winner = Ken Shamrock via submission
4/10
New Champion?

Shamrock beats up the rest of the Nation of Domination and then goes back to putting The Rock in an ankle lock. Then he gets all bug-eyed and beats a bunch of referees and officials. So the referee reverses the decision.
Winner = The Rock via disqualification
So no new champion

So Shamrock gets even angrier and beats up on The Rock some more. Good job, referee!

WWF Tag Team Championship
Dumpster Match
Chainshaw Charlie & Cactus Jack vs The New Age Outlaws (c)
To win this match you must put both of the other tag team in a dumpster and close the lid. Sound exciting? Chainsaw Charlie & Cactus Jack should have called themselves something like the C & C Music Factory. The WWF announce the gate as a new record or something, being over a million dollars, so Jerry Lawler asks for a pay rise. I say no, you suck. The tag teams end up fighting to the backstage area and Terry Funk uses a forklift to dump the New Age Outlaws into a conveniently placed dumpster.
Winners = Chainsaw Charlie & Cactus Jack via dumping their opponents
New Champions!
5/10

Video Package
Kane is The Undertaker's brother whom he thought had died in a fire (which may or may not have been started by The Undertaker himself). Kane has super magical powers. The Undertaker has super magical powers. The Undertaker quotes Jules Winfield from Pulp Fiction to make this even cooler. But when both men are shooting lightning bolts from their wrists, it is all just superfluous.
9/10

Pete Rose is the guest ring announcer and this crowd hates him, which is fair enough because all he does is insult them. So Kane beats him up to thunderous applause. Why have the bad guy beat up the guy the crowd hates, thus making people cheer the bad guy? Is it really this hard to run a pro-wrestling company?

The Undertaker vs Kane (w/Paul Bearer)
The Undertaker has an epic entrance with druids and shit.

Lawler says people may not be aware of the history between these two men, despite their being a video package right before this match that covered it pretty well. Heck, even my little 3 sentences summed it all up easily, Jim Ross thinks The Undertaker's plan is to let Kane punch himself out - that is a terrible strategy. Remind me not to hire you as my coach if I ever take up some form of combat sports. The Undertaker then destroys the Spanish announce table because it has lasted far too long during this show.

Looks like someone forgot to install the screws in that kit-set table. Four Tombstone piledrivers later and this match is over.
Winner = The Undertaker via pinfall following 3 tombstone piledrivers
7/10

Because 3 tombstone piledrivers aren't enough to put him away for good, Kane beats The Undertaker with a chair and then tombstones him on it for good measure. No magical powers were used, much to my disappointment.

Video of some WWF legends putting over the new guys.

WWF Championship
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs Shawn Michaels (c)
Guest Enforcer: Mike Tyson

The Degeneration-X band perform the Degeneration-X theme again for Shawn Michaels' entrance. They have not improved. Michaels attacks Austin with some of the band's gear - the best use of it all night.

Feel free to break the rest of it. The fans chant "Holyfield" at Tyson and the commentators pretend they can't understand it. The referee gets a face full of Michaels' bum, so that's him finished for the night.

Austin hits the Stone Cold Stunner so Tyson has to count the pin.
Winner = 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin via pinfall following Stone Cold Stunner
New Champion!
7/10

Shawn Michaels steals Mike Tyson's new 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin t-shirt and won't give it back, so Tyson knocks him out.

Isn't this guy on parole or banned from boxing or something? He probably shouldn't be punching people in the face in front of 20,000 witnesses. Instead of the new champ celebrating to end the show, we are instead left with the image of Shawn Michaels laying in the ring and then highlights from tonight to send us out.

WrestleMania XIV: The Awards

1. Best Match
   'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs Shawn Michaels
   Predictable but still good. Michaels even remembered to sell his 'career-ending back injury' every so often.
2. Worst Match
   Marc Mero & Sable vs The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust & Luna Vachon
   Just an excuse to make Sable more popular. Strangely, she was more covered up than usual. But she was certainly more over than anyone else in that match.
3. Highlight of the Show
   The Rock getting to show some personality. The dude was only just getting started.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   The Degeneration-X band. A few years ago I took part in a music competition for 12 year-olds and saw better talent. And probably better Rage Against the Machine impersonations.
5. Star of the Show
   'Stone Cold' Steve Austin. I had actually forgotten how insanely popular this guy was.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Mike Tyson. He didn't do much, which was probably the best way to use Mike Tyson.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Gennifer Flowers. I still can't understand why she was here or why anyone should care about her.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight I had the usual salad veges: baby spinach, cucumber, red onion, capsicum and tomato, with some mustard and ketchup, but decided to try some quorn 'chicken' burgers, topped with sweet chilli sauce and fried mushrooms. Epic. After such savoury goodness the Oatmeal Creme Pie went down nicely. I also mixed it up by trying some 7-Up Light. It was better than I expected.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Again, I don't think I spilled anything on it tonight. Though the stains on it already are probably building their own cities by now.
10. Overall Score
    This show continued the current tradition of being a mess of pointless stuff outside of the main event. Except this time there was a pretty cool co-main event, so perhaps we are getting somewhere? I wouldn't count on it...
    5 out of 10