WrestleMania March Madness, Day Thirty: WrestleMania XXX

6 April 2014
Mercedes-Benz Superdome
New Orleans, Louisiana - USA

Attendance: 75,167

Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry 'the King' Lawler & JBL

My thoughts before this viewing:
I remember this being similar to the previous WrestleMania; two long matches (one involving Triple H, of course) and a few short filler matches to make up the four hours. Except this time there wasn't an awesome Undertaker match to distract for the boring. Because I am playing on expert level, I will sit through the tiresome two-hour preshow as well - that will take this evening's viewing to six hours. Wow, this show better be better than I remember...

Opening Video Package
History of WrestleMania... and a wrestlers mardi gras? Sure, why not. Let Layla earn some beads...
6/10

In The Ring
Tonight's host is Hulk Hogan - does that make him the new Triple H? Host Hulk Hogan? It doesn't matter what you want to call him; he thinks this is 1987 and forgets he is in the Superdome, calling it the Silverdome. Twice. So 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin comes out to make fun of him. Austin himself seems to think Hogan main evented WrestleMania X. Not unless he put on a giant fat suit or secretly became the greatest wrestler in the history of forever. So The Rock comes out because he realises he can't make silly mistakes like these guys and wants to join in on the fun. Give it up now, WrestleMania XXX - you've already peaked.
10/10

Video Package
Daniel Bryan has no personality and is just a "B+ player", so he can't be the face of WWE. He looked so much better without the beard and with shorter hair. Silly hippy.
8/10

Opening Match
Winner will be added to the main event
Daniel Bryan vs Triple H
Stephanie McMahon is dressed like a magician's assistant.

Maybe she could perform an illusion to make the H bomb disappear? No such luck - he is out again on his throne and wearing some ridiculous costume like he is Skeletor in He-Man of the Year 5000 like he thinks this is the main event already.

Seriously, dude, you aren't in a death metal band. And you are not cool. Jerry Lawler accuses JBL of drinking "milk from forgetful cows". Seriously. Stephanie seems to have upped her dose of annoying pills today. And the H bomb is stealing moves from Chris Benoit because he idolises killers? Or he is just a douche that is going to rob from the guy because he was a better wrestler and has now been removed from WWE history as much as possible. Yeah, most likely that one.
Winner = Daniel Bryan via pinfall following knee to the face
8/10

Triple H beats up Daniel Bryan after the match because he's seen every WrestleMania like me and knows that is what makes a great hero. Except the crowd boo him - they must be new to this.

The Shield vs The New Age Outlaws & Kane
The New Age Outlaws are old. So is Kane, who has lost his mask and hair again. He is also now wearing business pants to the ring. He looks stupid. And old. The Shield powerbomb the Outlaws at the same time and JBL calls it "a Century of powerbombs" because that is the combined age of the Outlaws. That's actually funny, JBL. You have made now made one humorous quip in all the WrestleManias you have appeared at. I look forward to your second one at WrestleMania 53.
Winners = The Shield via pinfall following powerbomb thing
8/10

Backstage
All the old timers and playing with toys, so The Million Dollar Man buys them all. He has the Million Dollar belt again - did he beat Steve Austin and get it back? Why wasn't that match on this show?
1/10

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
This is a grand collection of people I didn't even realise still work here. Cesaro owns this by eliminating everyone that matters in an entertaining fashion.

Winner = Cesaro via eliminating people
6/10

WWE now has a French commentary table. I wonder how long before that gets destroyed?

Video Package
John Cena's legacy is on the line. Does that make sense? Is it some kind of stipulation, where if Bray Wyatt wins he gets to own John Cena's legacy and sell it on ebay or paint it a different colour? I'd give it to my cats to play with.
7/10

John Cena vs Bray Wyatt
Bray Wyatt gets a 'Triple H' level entrance, complete with some weird dancer and then some crappy band mostly lip-syncing his theme song. It is long and boring. But not as long and boring as the match.
Winner = John Cena via pinfall following attitude adjustment
3/10

Hall of Fame highlights. They skip the part where they cut of Mr. T's speech. Rude jerks!

Now this year's inductees are introduced on stage. Paul Bearer's sons are as fat as he was. Ultimate Warrior looks emotional; he would actually pass away the next evening. Weird how the world works...

Video Package
'The Streak' is unbeatable. But Brock Lesnar is a merciless beast. And Paul Heyman is so awesome.
10/10

Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar
Undertaker now claims 21 men have fallen in the streak - it is now actually 18. Beating the H bomb a total of 3 times does not equal 3 different men. Between this and the constant claims of WrestleMania starting 30 years ago, WWE would be well served to spend less on pyro and hire a math tutor. The Undertaker is also known as The Dead Man, but he is the healthiest looking dead man possible. Is his coffin a tanning bed?
Winner = Brock Lesnar via pinfall following a third F-5
The crowd were counting along with the pin thinking it was a nearfall and when it hit the 3, no one counted along. It was replaced with a huge gasp.
6/10

The crowd look like their entire worlds have come crumbling down.

Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational
This is one pin to a finish, so I guess it isn't going to be a 40 minute epic then...

AJ Lee should be happy - she is the only other champion to actually make the show. Pretty sad fact that there are six championships in this company and this is second most important. The Bella Twins can't even double team without looking completely terrible. The commentators care more about people crying on twitter about The Undertaker losing than this match. Imagine that.
Winner = AJ Lee via octopus submission thing
2/10

Backstage
'Mean' Gene Okerlund is enjoying the show! He is joined by the least active host since Kim Kardashian, Hulk Hogan. 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff come in and complain about the main event of the first WrestleMania. Orndorff looks like he's from the wild west with the greatest moustache since the Iron Sheik. Mr. T pities these fools and they all decide to shake hands and bury the hatchet. Dammit! I was hoping for a rematch.
5/10

Bruno Sammartino is here!

 And so is Bret 'Hitman' Hart!

Can I please sit with them???

Musical Performance
The shitty band that play Randy Orton's theme are here and the veins in the singer's forehead are bulging like this sucking takes a lot of effort. Even Randy Orton looks unimpressed with their suckitude.
3/10

WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Oh yeah, there is only one belt now. Well, there are two but they are combined. It makes no sense. At least there are no longer two champions.
Daniel Bryan vs Batista vs Randy Orton (c)
This is filled with so much screwy nonsense you'd think we were back at WrestleMania XV. Remember that? I still have nightmares about it. One day I might watch it again as a form of punishment for not clocking Super Mario Bros. 3. Triple H must have realised he wasn't in the main event so had to come out and get involved, bringing with him a crooked referee and his trusty sledgehammer. But Daniel Bryan overcomes it all to finally get his special moment he has fought for his entire career and the fans have demanded for about a year. And it's probably good he won because after The Undertaker's loss, if Bryan had lost as well there may have been a mass suicide in New Orleans. And then this WWE network would have been screwed and WWE would be ruined.
Curses, WWE! Why didn't you just go with your original plan!!!
Winner = Daniel Bryan via submission on Batista
New Champion!
8/10

Daniel Bryan celebrates while his theme plays on a continuous loop to send us out.

WrestleMania XXX: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Daniel Bryan vs Batista vs Randy Orton
   I really didn't think they would actually go through with having Daniel Bryan win, and I like to be surprised.
2. Worst Match
   Vickie Guerrero Invitational for the Divas Championship
   There were 14 women involved and the name of the match was stupid enough. We've come a long way from the first WrestleMania, when Cyndi Lauper and Wendi Richter actually entertained me.
3. Highlight of the Show
   The complete devastation rippling through the crowd when The Undertaker's WrestleMania streak was beaten. I marked out when The Rock joined 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin and Hulk Hogan in the ring, but just seeing 70,000 people in disbelief and on the verge of tears appeals to the complete bastard in me.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Old wrestlers playing with toys. Especially seeing Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat continue to think he is Bruce Lee. But especially seeing Uncle Alan 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan shirtless in his wrestling gear.
5. Star of the Show
   Daniel Bryan. This was his night to put on some kickass matches and finally get his reward as the champion. Shame it took CM Punk walking out and the crowd near revolting for 3 months to make this happen, but at least they got there in the end.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Mr. T. You were expecting someone else?.
   
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Hugh Jackman. Notice I didn't mention him at all in this? He was supposed to be the "Social Media Ambassador" yet the only thing he did was send a tweet an hour before the show saying he was excited to be the Social Media Ambassador. He worked hard for his money.
   
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight I tried something different and cooked some corn fritters to add to the usual veges (hummus, spinach, kale, tomato, capsicum, red onion and cucumber) topped with fried mushrooms and sweet chilli sauce. Was good. This was a long show so Pepsi Next was well needed, though not as much as I expected. The Chips Ahoy! with Reese's peanut butter cups never get old.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I'm on the tail end of things so I'm not even being careful anymore. Tomorrow I'll probably use it as a napkin - though that might make my face dirtier.
10. Overall Score
    Good show! Certainly better than I originally thought, though still a poor balance of things. Only two title matches, and that John Cena/Bray Wyatt match should have been a day shorter so they could have added something fun or given The Shield a few more minutes. Or even new opponents, because they brilliantly stuck them with the oldest guys possible. It didn't hurt them, I guess - you'll see that tomorrow. But if you don't end this show with a smile on your face then you obviously have no soul. Or are Triple H. In which case my original argument still stands.
    6 out of 10
    
    
    
    
    

WrestleMania March Madness, Day Twenty-Six: WrestleMania XXVI

28 March 2010
University of Phoenix Stadium
Glendale, Arizona - USA

Attendance: 72,219

Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry 'the King' Lawler & Matt Striker

My thoughts before this viewing:
I remember this show for one main reason - the return of Bret Hart! Yes, my hero returned to wage war against Vince McMahon for the wrongs he did 13 years before. However, I do not recall much in the way of my enjoyment. I remember thinking the main event was incredibly predictable, but there were a few surprises during the night. I'm just excited to see Bret Hart and hopefully he can rescue me from this nightmare that is WrestleMania March Madness. So let's see if can be a hero to the zero in this modern year-o...

America the Beautiful
Today's guest singer is Fantasia - remember her? I forgot how awesome she is. She is fantastic. Oh I bring the comedy!
9/10

Opening Video Package
Everyone wants their WrestleMania moment. Good luck.
5/10

Opening Match
Unified Tag Team Championship
R-Truth & John Morrison vs The Miz & Big Show (c)
R-Truth is a terrible rapper.

Wow, that was quick!
Winners = The Miz & Big Show via pinfall following knockout punch from Big Show
4/10

WretleMania takes up a whole week now. I totally would have beaten those kids at the spelling bee. losers.

Triple Threat
Randy Orton vs Ted Dibiase Jr vs Cody Rhodes
Ted Dibiase Jr is introduced as just Ted Dibiase. That has to be confusing for some people, since his Dad went into the Hall of Fame last night.

So one guy here has been pushed as their chosen one for the last 6 years, the other two are generic nobodies - how will this work out?
Cody and Ted plan on teaming up and don't care who wins. Of course that only lasts about 6 minutes before they starting beating each other up. And of course Randy Orton is invincible against two men when neither is named Triple H.
Winner = Randy Orton via pinfall following RKO on Ted Dibiase Jr
4/10

Backstage
Josh Mathews introduces Vickie Guerrero. Apparently she is wrestling tonight? Holy crap! After Jillian Hall sings awfully, it turns into a Slim Jims commercial where Santino Marella and his fake monobrow makes out with Mae Young.
-1/10

That started off good and then somehow fell into the bog of eternal stench.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Kofi Kingston vs MVP vs Evan Bourne vs Jack Swagger vs Shelton Benjamin vs Matt Hardy vs Dolph Ziggler vs Drew McIntyre vs Kane vs Christian
One of the commentators says Shelton Benjamin has been in all the Money in the Bank matches - nope, he hasn't. This match is full of nobodies. Guess you gotta start somewhere - even if it is a match where you could die.
Kofi can't run up ladders like Shelton Benjamin.

But he can almost use them as stilts.

I really don't understand what the point of that was. "Who will carry WWE into the 21st Century?" What a weird question to ask in 2010...
Winner = Jack Swagger via 2 days of trying to unhook the briefcase
7/10

That was the least brutal of all the Money in the Bank matches so far. Very few crazy things, and they weren't that crazy. I bet WWE were very disappointed in Shelton Benjamin.

Highlights from the Hall of Fame inductions last night. Bret Hart gave what I am sure was an awesome speech to induct his Father, Stu. Bob Uecker made bad jokes.

Video Package
Sheamus used to watch Triple H as a kid. So what is he now, a teenager??
3/10

Triple H vs Sheamus
Apparently Sheamus has had the best first year in WWE history because he won the WWE championship for a 5 minutes. Really? Someone might want to talk to Kurt Angle and ask him if that's better than winning every single belt in the company within your first 10 months. They said Ric Flair is Triple H's mentor; he was like a 4-time world champion and burying people long before meeting Ric Flair. Come on!
Winner = Triple H via pinfall following pedigree because Triple H gonna Triple H
4/10

Edge is in a new Slim Jims commercial. He's no 'Macho Man' Randy Savage.

Video Package
CM Punk turned up to Rey Mysterio's daughter's birthday party. Nobody likes a party crasher - especially one that can't sing Happy Birthday in tune. But next time they probably shouldn't have the party in the middle of a wrestling ring on live TV.
7/10

Rey Mysterio vs CM Punk (w/Luke Gallows & Serena)
CM Punk buries the crowd for being drunk and on drugs because he chooses to be better than all of us. It's true. The commentators spend the match burying 'straight edge' in every possible way they can. So let me get this straight; Steve Austin comes out and throws beer around - that makes him a hero. CM Punk comes out and says drugs and alcohol are bad - that makes him a sick person. No wonder there are so many problems with the wellness policy. This year Rey Mysterio is dressed as one of those blue things from Avatar.

That was a shitty movie. CM Punk is wearing GI Joe inspired trunks.

That was an awesome cartoon. Punk wins the battle of the wrestling gear. But not the match.
Winner = Rey Mysterio via pinfall following the usual Rey Mysterio things
8/10

Video Package
Bret Hart came back to the WWE! He wanted closure, but Vince McMahon just made him look stupid again. Vince then fell for the classic 'Bret Hart pretends to be injured until Vince McMahon signs the contract for a match at WrestleMania" - Vince screwed Vince!
9/10

No Holds Barred
Bret 'Hitman' Hart vs Vince McMahon
I hate this remix of Bret Hart's theme. Vince comes and decides it is time for the SWERVE! This is now a lumberjack match

No Holds Barred Lumberjack Match
Bret 'Hitman' Hart vs Vince McMahon
Vince hired the entire Hart family to be the lumberjacks, as well as Bret's brother, Bruce, as the guest referee. Why would you even need a biased referee if a match is no holds barred? You can do whatever you want and it doesn't matter. Oh wait - SWERVE THE SWERVE
The Harts all took the money but were in on it with Bret! BRET SCREWED VINCE!
Which leads to 11 minutes of Vince McMahon being systematically destroyed by Bret and the Hart family. It is such a beating that Bret has to take a seat on the very chair he has been bashing Vince with and catch his breath.

Vince didn't even get in one offensive move.
Winner = Bret 'Hitman' Hart via submission following hilarious destruction
10/10

It really should be marked lower, but it was Bret 'Hitman' Hart beating up Vince McMahon for 11 minutes. Fuck you if that's not your fantasy!

Video Package
Edge won the Royal Rumble. Chris Jericho is the World Heavyweight Champion. Edge isn't a big enough star to get a shot at the WWE title, so these two must fight!
7/10

Edge vs Chris Jericho (c)
Champion out first because aaaaaahh what else is new?
Boredom? Oh no, that's not new.
Winner = Chris Jericho via pinfall following codebreaker
5/10

Edge goes nuts and beats up Chris Jericho like a good sore loser. WrestleMania traditions!

Earlier tonight Yoshi Tatsu won a battle royal for no reason.

10-Diva Tag Match
Eve Torres, Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim & Beth Phoenix vs Layla, Michelle McCool, Maryse, Alicia Fox & Vickie Guerrero

A match so bad the referee actually had to stop the pin so they could redo things.
Winners = the team of bad girls via splash from Vickie Guerrero on somone
1/10

Video Package
Batista is a bad angry man and jealous of John Cena's success. He also injured John Cena a year ago. Guess how this is going to play out...
7/10

WWE Championship
John Cena vs Batista (c)
This time John Cena gets some type of military entrance. Because he was such an important military man, due his portrayl of a marine in that Hollywood blockbuster, The Marine?
Best sign of the night: "Batista loves fishsticks"
I don't really hate John Cena, but dear gawd his shoulder tackles look like the weakest crap possible.
Winner = John Cena via submission following John Cena
New Champion!
5/10

John Cena sees his biggest fans and makes sure to celebrate with them.

Apparently there is a show called Extreme Rules, which is "the only night of the year rules are for breaking!" As opposed to all the matches they do like hardcore and no holds barred and lumberjack and ladder matches and on and on and on and on...

Video Package
Cheesy pan pipes don't get me excited for a rematch. Might as well throw in some whale calls while you are at it.
4/10

Main Event
Career vs Streak
Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels
I actually lose track of the stupid things Michael Cole says in this match. Even when there is video evidence of something happening he makes up some stupid story instead. Which I guess is par for the course with this show. However this is a great match and I will tell you the ending in gif form:

Winner = Undertaker via pinfall following some tombstone piledrivers and powerbombs and what not
9/10

It's kinda fitting that Shawn Michaels' career ends the night that Bret Hart returns to get revenge.

Undertaker leaves Shawn Michaels to say goodbye to the fans. No music. no pyro. Even the commentators are mostly silent. Just the fans chanting for Shawn Michaels and him thanking them "for a wonderful life" as he walks back to the dressing room.

WrestleMania XXVI: The Awards

1. Best Match
   The Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels
   I totally thought this match was overrated first time I watched it - mainly because the stipulation made it crystal clear who was winning. But I was wrong. The ending was all sorts of awesome.
2. Worst Match
   10-Diva Tag Match
   I'm sure that is no surprise that the 'Divas' had the worst match of the night. At least they are consistent.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Bret 'Hitman' Hart putting Vince McMahon in the sharpshooter. A moment I waited half my life to see.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Santino Marella with a fake monobrow shilling Slim Jims while imagining himself getting off with an old lady, who then turned into 'Mean' Gene Okerlund in a dress, and then into Melina.
5. Star of the Show
   Shawn Michaels. The crowd were here for two reasons; 1 - see Bret Hart put Vince McMahon in the sharpshooter, and 2 - see Shawn Michaels' career come to an end. He delivered a WrestleMania moment.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   I guess Fantasia by default.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   There were no other celebrities. Unless we wish to count Bob Uecker and his Hall of Fame induction and bad jokes.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight I returned to the nacho wrap, with avocado and sour cream. It was the same meal I had at WrestleMania XIII when we said goodbye to Bret Hart. Now, 13 WrestleManias later, he returns and the circle is complete. Pepsi Next was the beverage of choice and the Reeses' Chips Ahoys were fantastic. An all-round delicious meal.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Unlike last time, I got more food on my shirt than my face. I have forfeited my UFC championship title.
10. Overall Score
    I enjoyed that. I was bored by a lot of it but the good was really enjoyable. Shawn Michaels went out on a real high note and CM Punk vs Rey Mysterio surprised me. Minus the botches by Mysterio, that could have been a challenge for match of the night. Oh and did I mention Bret Hart returned and beat Vince McMahon to death and then put him in the sharpshooter? That makes up for Slim Jim commercials and boring Divas matches. I feel rejuvenated. When I needed a hero, the Hitman was there to help me through this final hurdle. That's why he is the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be...
    6 out of 10