UWF Fury Hour: Episode 37

UWF Fury Hour Episode 37, 15th July 1991

Tonight is highlights of the illustrious career of 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. Well... at least his UWF career. Wow. Can't wait...

First he started a feud with 'Mr.' Wonderful' Paul Orndorff, which involved many attacks from behind. He beat 'Mr. Wonderful' with a chair and "I don't go behind the back, that's why I tell everybody... watch your back". I laughed again.

Now it's time for highlights of their lumberjack match - including the entrances of the lumberjacks. Are we really that desperate for content? I find it hard to have an interest in reviewing this match again, because it was pure nonsense.

Now it's time for the steel cage match! Herb calls it the place "no man wants to go". Except Orndorff straight up asked for it, didn't he?

Steel Cage Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
Fuck it, I'll bite. Orndorff tries to escape early - which makes no sense, since he asked for the steel cage because he wanted to get revenge. Even Bruno expresses how much nonsense that is. 

ZOMG THE UWF OATMEAL COOKIES. I very much want a pack now. I would eat them while listening to this Jeep Wrangler song.

I get the feeling escaping the cage was the ONLY way to win this match, which is incredibly poor booking. Orndorff goes to walk out the cage door and Terry Gordy slams it on his head.

Winner = double-disqualification nonsense

Gordy gets in the cage and helps Williams beat on Orndorff. Cactus Jack waits outside to stop anyone getting in to help, so Don Muraco comes out and beats him up. Muraco gets in the cage and the bad guys beat him up to.

This led to: Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy - which never happened - and Mr Wonderful vs... Colonel DeBeers? Again, awesome booking.

Also double-disqualification in a Steel Cage match is the most bullshit ever, right up there with double-countout in a fucking Street Fight.

Bam Bam Bigelow says nothing will stop him from destroying 'Dr. Death'.

'Dr. Death' says... something?

Now we are treated to Bigelow's Beach Brawl promo: he has been "studying hard!" He has "ability, do-bility and ho-bility..." "Mo' money, mo' happy!" and other various hilarities.

Craig says 'Dr. Death' had to "get through the toughest matches of the tournament". It was the ONLY match of the tournament.

'Dr. Death' talks about secrecy in his training camp, "but there'll be no surprises for Bam Bam!". I thought that was the point of secrecy? Brian asks him what his motivation for this match is - winning the title isn't enough for you, Brian?? Williams complains about people stabbing him in the back. MOTHERFUCKER you did that to Orndorff every week from day one. Then he threatens Bigelow with an arm-drag. Ooooh no! I'm surprised Bigelow didn't just forfeit right now.

The Making of a Champion

Frank Sinatra sings us My Way over the top of more highlights of 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams - including promos WITH NO SOUND. Again, 'Dr. Death's UWF highlights mainly involve him beating 'Mr. Wonderful' with chairs. What - no footage of him squashing Davey Meltzer the one time he was actually a good guy?

Oh, wait - that highlights package was our main event.

Thoughts:

• It may surprise you to know that 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams was actually related to Herb Abrams.
• I was going to bury this episode as a complete waste of time, but that end video package was hilarious; Sinatra crooning while a big hairy dude beats people with chairs? The whole shit was bizarrely surreal and had me laughing out loud.
• This week in WCW: Great American Bash 1991 - also a waste of time that featured some entertaining moments. But at least Ric Flair is gone for the next 18 months, so that's a bonus.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 24

UWF Fury Hour Episode 24, 15th April 1991

TONIGHT IS THE STEEL CAGE MATCH BAH GAWD FEEL THE FURY!!!

Craig and Bruno are looking forward to finally ending this long-running feud in a bloody match. Bruno is super excited about the upcoming tournament to crown the first UWF Sportschannel TV Changing Champion or whateverthefuck they will be called.

S.D. Jones will be wrestling tonight. What? For reals??

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs The Beast
John Tolos joins the commentary team to make sure we know his tag-team is the greatest of all tag-teams. They should have a tag-team championship to prove it. The Beast seems to finally have tights that fit properly. Craig tells Tolos he doesn't want him joining them on commentary regularly. Fuck you - I want him on commentary full-time instead of you!

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via eye poke and DDT combo

I guess it's better than a slam? Craig thinks Bruno should enter the UWF Championship tournament. Finally something we can agree on!

THE BEACH BRAWL!!! Herb screaming is fucking fun. Pro-wrestling needs more coked up dudes screaming at everyone to buy shit.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack vs Two Dude Whose Names I Don't Know
Cactus Jack dives to the concrete carpet and the crowd love it. I can see this tag-team being somewhat popular - despite the fact they are supposed to be bad guys. One of the jobber dudes is wearing tights that look like a Rainbow Paddle Pop. I always have and always will prefer a Bubble O'Bill.

Winners = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack via Orton hitting a splash or something from the middle rope.

Coach Tolos is happy!

Herb reminds us that Cactus Jack is unpredictable just like the UWF. I mean the only parts unpredictable are the BS finishes in every main event, but I guess because it happens so regularly that makes it even less unpredictable.

Captain Lou's Corner
Tonight Albano is in the ring with Bruno and poor sound to show us the new UWF Sportsbra TV BBQ Championship belt. It's actually nicer looking than I expected! I mean, the coloured UWF logo and the Sportschannel logo and the UWF engraved on the sides are all pretty ugly, but otherwise it's not bad.

THE BEACH BRAWL IS COMING

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams is calling everyone to go the Penta Hotel in New York now to watch his steel cage match with 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff. Pretty sure it was taped like a month ago, so going now would be stupid and you'd likely only see a bunch of tourists and I'm guessing a buffet. 'Dr. Death' wants to battle Orndorff in the crowd and the parking lot. Those are all open spaces - then why do this in a cage?

S.D. Jones (w/Mr. Haiti) vs Captain Badd
Has S.D. Jones wrestled since WrestleMania II? Did Captain Badd always have a red mask? I need an investigative journalist to help me out here with the important questions.

Winner = S.D. Jones via headbutt? For reals??

S.D. Jones says the UWF is action and this is the "new" S.D. Jones. New means old?

Ask The Wrestlers

This sure is a loaded question. Albano's answer: "the finest attitudes!" Unsaid reality answer: GIMME DRUGS AND BOOZE AND YOUNG WOMEN attitude. Albano suggests drinking hot water in the morning and eating boiled ham to get a body like him. Herb isn't feeling generous today, so the Kleine family are only going to receive one UWF hat that they will all have to share.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff drinks protein shakes like a real man!

Steel Cage Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
There is a new ring announcer and he's even more devoid of charisma than the previous one. We get a wide shot of the ring showing the steel cage in the middle of a ballroom in an old-fashioned New York hotel in front of maybe around 100 people and it is just a bizarre visual.

It also looks like the whole thing could topple down on the crowd at any time.
Orndorff gets Williams down and immediately tries to climb over the top of the cage. So we're doing the WWF 'escape the cage' rule? That's... weak. Especially considering this was all about Orndorff wanting to get revenge. Orndorff is bleeding, which can only be a blade job because he hasn't even been close to hitting the cage. In fact, both guys seem to be doing their best to avoid touching the structure - likely due to safety reasons. I mean, it's being held up by fucking base plates that are inside the fucking ring! 'Dr. Death' does the most blatant blade job right in front of the camera. Again - this shit is taped! Holy balls there is even a camera man inside the ring for this. That seems unwise. 'Dr. Death' tries to climb out of the cage but he falls on his balls, so Orndorff just walks out the cage door OH NO HE DOES NOT!

Terry Gordy slams the cage door Orndorff.

The bell rings and the match is over??

Well of course we had to get a clusterfuck finish!

Gordy gets in the cage and stomps Orndorff. Cactus Jack is randomly here to guard the doorway so no one can help Orndorff, so Don Muraco comes out and fights with all the bad guys and we've got a crazy brawl... until the good guys are all dead.

Draw via double-disqualification

Bruno says the referee was out and doesn't know what happened. So why did the bell ring as soon as Gordy appeared? Who called for an end to the match? I assumed 'Dr. Death' was disqualified since Gordy interfered on his behalf, but Craig assures me it was a double-disqualification. What did 'Mr. Wonderful' do to get disqualified? I actually had to look this up online because Prime forbid I give my valued readers the incorrect result...

Thoughts:

• Herb being coked up and shouting is the best thing about this show.
• Once again, I was having fun until the ending. Shit like that hurts my brain.