UWF Blackjack Brawl

23 September 1994
MGM Grand Garden Arena
Las Vegas, Nevada - USA

The UWF is back, baby!

It's a year later and what do we have here? Well, this time it is actually the very final UWF event! This was a live television special - not another PPV disaster, sadly. But since it's been 14 months since the glory of Rampage '93, let's see who is still following Herb to the depths of UWF awesomeness.

Wait - we're back on SportsChannel?? Did these people not learn anything from airing 47 episodes of The Fury Hour??

And we now join the show... IN PROGRESS.

Carlo and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos are on the call. I have no idea who is wrestling, though. Ummm... is that maybe Dan fucking Spivey??

UWF Americas Championship?
Johnny Ace (w/Missy Hyatt) vs 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey
Pretty sure Herb still has some of his t-shirts in stock, so why the fuck not, eh? Tolos thinks these dudes have speed, but I'm yet to see anything other than slowness.

Winner = 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey via Missy Hyatt throwing in the towel for Johnny Ace.

New Champion?

Herb gets in the ring to interview Spivey, but Spivey just attacks him. Herb calls in Blackjack Mulligan to save him. Then calls Spivey a chicken. Whatintheactualfuck is going on here???

Tolos goes on some kind of anti-women rant. Whoa-boy we're really off to the races here...

UWF Junior Heavyweight Championship
Mondo Guerrero vs 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong (w/Some Tall Dude)

Where did all these UWF championships come from? Our ring announcer tonight is Las Vegas "comic" Steve Rossi. Armstrong comes out to Van Halen's Right Now; it's a great song, but one hell of a weird entrance song for a bad guy. Tolos is certain Armstrong is "out of breath" after the first exchange - running 5 marathons is nothing compared to pro-wrestling? Carlo is confused and thinks this is the first match of the show. I'm confused because there is a big tall dude in Armstrong's corner and not once have the commentators mentioned his name or even acknowledged his presence.

Seriously - even when Armstrong actually hit him. Was he not supposed to be there or something? It's like he doesn't exist. Maybe he doesn't exist and I am hallucinating?? Too much UWF having a negative impact on my brain? Mondo is winning the entire match until Armstrong hits him with one elbow and kills him.

Winner = Jack Armstrong via elbow.

New Champion!

Herb must be on in-ring post-match interview duty tonight. He is not happy Armstrong won, but laughs at him for getting a cut on his head. Steve Rossi tries to get the crowd to cheer for Armstrong or something, but Herb gives him a nudge to shut-up.

Sunny Beach is partying with people in Las Vegas and looking fat.

Sunny Beach vs Dr. Feelgood (w/Missy Hyatt)
Sunny Beach is billed as "from California". Lies. He is also entering the ring to a James Brown song, which is absolutely not surfing music. How is Dr. Feelgood not coming out to Dr. Feelgood by Mötley Crüe? Oh shit - this dude is actually Mr. Outrageous! Seems he's traded his skateboard for a medical kit.

Tolos: "Sunny Beach is from California, and that can only mean one thing: Surfer!" Such professional insight. Missy Hyatt looks like Anna-Nicole Smith circa 1998.

She hits Sunny Beach with her shoe. Beach recovers and hits a variety of suplexes and honestly, it seems he has actually improved! Carlo wonders why Dr. Feelgood isn't "socialising with Missy". Motherfucker he's in the middle of a wrestling match - he can mack on Missy after he wins! Dr. Feelgood grabs a rag full of chloroform and tries to use it on Sunny Beach, but he reverses it.

Winner = Sunny Beach via pin with chloroform rag.

Missy is pissed and Sunny Beach grabs her - looks like he's planning on either kissing her or knocking her out, too. Either way, that shit is assault and unbecoming of a hero. Thankfully, Dr. Feelgood recovers and saves her from this predator.

Herb and Blackjack Mulligan are back in the ring for more spiteful interviews. Herb tells Missy she's "disgusting" - the fucking nerve of this guy... Like a total pro, Missy tries to subtly position Dr. Feelgood so he's actually facing the camera, but then Herb cuts off the interview.

UWF Southern States Championship
'Cowboy' Bob Orton (c) vs Finland 'Hellraiser' Thor
Orton is still the champ? And it's no longer the UWF WWF Replica Intercontinental Championship? Steve Rossi continues his fantastic job as ring announcer by calling this "All Star Wrestling". He's terrible. Just fucking terrible. BUT THE VIKING HAS RETURNED and now he's called Finland because he comes from Finland?

That's dumb. Just keep calling him THE VIKING and let him walk around with his plastic hammer! Tolos thinks Orton "looks like a midget compared to Thor". I mean, he looks thinner and older, sure. But the motherfucker is only maybe 1 or 2 inches shorter.

THE VIKING Thor manhandles Orton and it's cool - like I said, Orton isn't exactly a small dude himself. Carlo thinks THE VIKING Thor has too many tattoos. He has, like, two. Imagine if Carlo had been around when Bam Bam Bigelow was here? Carlo thinks one of the tattoos is of Herb! Bahahaha! Thor is still having fun throwing Orton around and he somehow ends up on Herb - my man is really not having a good night.

Then they just get in a crazy brawl and it's barrels of fun.

Draw via double-disqualification.

Blackjack Mulligan is in the ring with Orton. He barely gets 20 seconds to talk before being cut-off.

Up next: THE UWF MIDGET WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP

UWF Midget World Championship
The Karate Kid vs Little Tokyo

Holy fuck I'm dying here! Rossi tries to make jokes, but... he's no Steve Allen, that's for damned sure! Little Tokyo is looking pretty old. Pretty real old. Tolos thinks he could train Carlo to be a midget wrestler. Little Tokyo runs the ropes on his own while The Karate Kid hides behind the referee. Carlo is pining for Missy Hyatt, so Tolos is hoping we get a "Midget Missy Hyatt" to help cure his loneliness. Little Tokyo tries to poke the referee in the eye, but dude you're only 4'4" and barely come up to the referee's hips.

Winner = Little Tokyo via push?

New Champion! Why do I keep posting that? Almost all of these title are currently vacant!

It's time for miserable and drugged up Herb to interview our winner - which is going to be terrible. He claims to know some Japanese, which consists of "sake" and "kanpai".

'Malicious' Sid Vicious cuts a promo and we can't hear a darn word he says until he starts screaming. He says something about 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams not having the credentials to fight him. Ummm... 'Dr. Death' is the UWF BBWSportsBra Champion - no wait, wasn't he stripped of that a couple of years ago?

This show might be on more drugs than Herb.

UWF Women's Championship
Tina Moretti vs Candy Devine
Rossi calls Candi Devine "Candi Devian" and Carlo tries desperately to cover for him. Herb demands a kiss from Moretti. Yuck. I'd hope she got hazard pay for that, but something tells me no one's getting paid after this show.
Tolos: "All my friends love The Golden Greek!"
Well, yeah you'd hope your friends like you, or they wouldn't really be friends now, would they...

Winner = Candy Devine Devian via top-rope slam or something.

New Champion!

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams and a giant cardboard version of himself says he's fought off a lot of challengers for the UWF title. I don't recall you defending it once - Orton has defended that UWF Southern States Championship a lot more.

UWF World Tag-Team Championship
The Killer Bees vs The New Powers of Pain (The Warlord & Power Warrior)
Finally, some tag-team titles! A great idea to do this ON YOUR LAST SHOW EVER! Power Warrior is one of The Power Twins! Yay! I'd prefer just The Power Twins, to be honest. Carlo mentions that the Bees are almost as old as Tolos and like that's not the best way to hype people about your top guys. Brunzell works on Power Warrior's leg and he shouts out "Leave my leg alone!". Power Twins were ahead of their time. This match is getting Tolos so excited, he announces he will return to wrestling and wrestle... Carlos. Bhahaha. Warlord goes to clothesline Brunzell, but he clumsily gets out of the way and the referee gets clumsily knocked out of the ring.

OOOH the other Power Twin runs out and swaps with Power Warrior! They're finally getting revenge on The Killer Bees for the skullduggery they pulled at (The?) Beach Brawl! DR. HERB WITH THE LONG-TERM STORYTELLING WIN!!! Tolos finally clicks that these guys are the Power Twins - a tag-team that he fucking managed for months.

Winners = The Killer Bees via The Warlord clotheslining his own partner like a fucking goof.

New Champions!

What a total clusterfuck. The crack production crew couldn't even catch any of the action towards the ending. The Power Twins were robbed.

Oh fuck me, Jimmy 'Superfly Murderer' Snuka is in Las Vegas to fight Cactus Jack. And maybe murder a young woman? He loves the people. And murdering?

Lumberjack Match
Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka vs Cactus Jack
Herb is really excited to see Cactus Jack before the match. Man, he's seriously on his shit tonight. Some girl comes over and gets a photo with The Power Twins because she has good taste and did one of them just grab her butt?

There are a lot of dudes out here to be lumberjacks that I've not seen before or at least aren't wrestling on this show - like 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray. This match is a mess. At one point, the lumberjacks try to get Cactus Jack back into the ring and he tries to take a table with him. Herb joins the commentary team and Cactus Jack throws Snuka at him, which leads to madness.

Herb calls Cactus Jack "one of the greatest high-flyers" BAHAHAHA. Cactus Jack throws Snuka out of the ring again and it is like a mosh pit with the way everyone is just shoving each other.

Herb can be heard screaming to ring the bell.

Draw via double-disqualification.

Snuka and Cactus Jack start fighting up in the stands and Carlo is all like "They didn't even pay for those seats!". No one did - that's why they're empty.

Rossi tries to tell us these guys are the best and Herb is like 'fuck that GO TO COMMERCIAL'.

Herb has taken it upon himself to announce the main event - I think maybe he booted Rossi for being too boring. Herb is genuinely fucked up.

UWF World Heavyweight Championship
'Dr. Death' Steve Williams (c) vs 'Malicious' Sid Vicious
This must be a different UWF championship and belt? How and when did 'Dr. Death' win it?? Carlo manages to spell "U.W.F." correctly - he's now proven he is too smart to work here anymore. He then threatens us with a Blackjack Brawl II & III and I feel like it was clear within 2 minutes of this show there would never be another Blackjack Brawl. Or UWF show. Something has broken in the ring - the mat is all warped and is moving as the wrestlers move around the ring.

I can't imagine a more fitting thing to happen in the UWF's final match. 'Dr. Death' gets the pin and 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey hits the ring to help move some more t-shirts.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via disqualification? Pretty sure he had the 3 count before Spivey even did anything, but whatever.

Spivey beats up 'Dr. Death' who just totally no-sells it for a while and continues beating up on Vicious, but eventually the bad guys double-team him and give him the old Skyscrapers double-powerbomb move from when they were a tag-team in WCW back in the 80's. Johnny Fucking Ace comes out with a chair to make the save and chase the bad guys away.
Carlo: "'Dr. Death' has been such a great champion for the UWF". Perhaps I didn't cover this: he won the title and then was NEVER seen again until now. Two years later. 

Herb and his failure-induced/cocaine-fueled rage wants 'Dr. Death' vs Sid Vicious to fight again in a steel cage match. 'Dr. Death' says yes: "You haven't seen the last of the Doctor!" No shit - you just accepted a steel cage match.

Herb goes ballistic at Vicious and Spivey. Blackjack Mulligan also berates the bad guys and they're just like 'Uh, old man, you were once a really bad pro-wrestler that cheated all the time as well'. Herb says Williams still has the belt - except Herb is the one actually holding it up as he says this, because 'Dr. Death' has been sent to the hospital?

Rossi is just laughing at everyone yelling over each other. Herb's microphone gets cut-off, so we cut to Carlo and Tolos to get their final thoughts.
Tolos: "This is what the UWF stands for!". I can't argue with that. He then tries to tell me this is the greatest feud going in pro-wrestling today, and I'm like in 2022 you might be right.

Herb must have found a working microphone, so it's back to him and Blackjack Mulligan. Herb is ranting like an absolute fucking lunatic - his voice is hoarse from all the screaming. "WATCH THE UNIVERSAL WRESTLING FEDERATION! IT'S OUT OF THIS WORLD!"

MJ's Why You Wanna Trip on Me? sends us out.

Thoughts:

• Buckle in, kids...
• This show was a complete train wreck. A clusterfuck of epic proportions. I loved it.
• The show started IN PROGRESS but the commentators never once tried to get us up to speed on what we missed - or what we were watching.
• Herb was clearly under the influence and got progressively worse as the night wore on. 
• Steve Rossi was a terrible idea.
• The wrestling was actually pretty good! But 98% of the finishes were classic UWF WTF finishes.
• Carlo and John Tolos do make for a good commentary duo. Tolos, however, does get caught with some... less than good comments at times.
• I'm not sure where all these championships suddenly came from, but they would have been more beneficial maybe 2 years earlier before the whole company went out of business forever.
• The main event was a total dud.
• Again, this show really was a colossal train wreck on every conceivable level. I had a great time!
• And so ends my journey watching the UWF. I'm not sure how it happened, but it took me a whole year to move on the 2nd episode, then I watched everything else within the following 2 months. Then it took me another 4 months to finish all these bLog posts - just in time for another weekend of WrestleMania watching...
• Can I just watch some more UWF instead??

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 35

UWF Fury Hour Episode 35, 1st July 1991

UWF is like the past except people make explosion noises when they are slammed. WELCOME TO THE BEACH BRAWL!

It's the same intro from Craig and Bruno, except this time when Craig sends us to the show we get... an ad for AT&T.

Boris Zhukov (w/Mr. Red) vs Paul Samson
The ring announcer tells us "his oppponent weighs his opponent"? There is absolutely ZERO crowd response. Mr. Red calls both wrestlers professionals bahahaha. Anyone watching this match would argue differently - Samson can't even keep hold of an arm. And Zhukov runs the ropes like the ring is full of custard and he's trying not to splash any on his tights.

Winner = Boris Zhukov via clotheslines to the back of the head

That was just bad.

Craig and Brian are back in the office for a performance review with Mr. Red and Boris Zhukov.

Mr. Red just shouts at them, demanding they have to pay if they want to ask questions, but then decides they just need to use manners instead. I'll take money over manners, thanks. Mr. Red explains that he is such a staunch supporter of Russia because everyone in his hometown are wimps. Craig asks to wear Zhukov's hat, but then immediately takes it off and complains about it. Rude. Then he and Brian make fun of Zhukov's pay at The Beach Brawl. 

There was an advertisement for a wrestling show that featured a tag-team and their manager that I didn't recognise, so I thought maybe the UWF had some new exciting people coming in! Turns out it was an advertisement for a totally different wrestling promotion and TV show. 

The UWF have changed the date for their next tapings. Between that and the network advertising a different wrestling show, I'd say the future is looking good for the UWF!

Street Fight
Johnny Ace vs Terry Gordy
I'd review again, but fuck that.

No winners because of total bullshit IN A STREET FIGHT

Legends Match
Bob Backlund vs Ivan Koloff
Quick and painless.

Winner = Bob Backlund via rollup pin with bridge or whatever

After the match, Captain Lou Albano beats up Mr. Red and steals his pants because Albano is a dirty old man and also can't afford his own pants.

So, like, we've now had almost every match except the main event. How is that going to be stretched out for another 3 weeks??

The Generic Offices of Brian and Craig interview Mr. Red. Again?

Fuck you! Mr. Red is angry. So am I - I have to listen to Mr. Red some more! What the fuck? They keep saying Boris Zhukov lost at The Beach Brawl - we just saw the match 10 minutes ago and he fucking won! Mr. Red threatens to bring in more Russians until the UWF is just full of Russians. Then why don't you just go join a wrestling federation in Russia?? Red wants to take over Captain's Corner - would that make it the Mr.'s Corner? Brian says stealing his pants was Albano "just doing his job" - his job is stealing pants?? Mr. Red tells them to look in his eyes and Brian is like "not too close". Brian is actually fucking great. The fun part is Mr. Red's hillbilly accent makes his name sound like Mr. Ed, so it sounds like he's talking about the talking horse... who would actually be a great addition to the UWF roster.

Oh shit I had forgotten about when toothpaste came in a 'pump' like it was some amazing technological advancement.

Next week is more from The Beach Brawl. Just give me more office interviews and I'm a happy man.

Thoughts:

• This was bad.
• Really bad.
• WCW had P.N. News and his hilariously bad attempts at rapping, plus The Desperadoes looking for Stan Hansen. This show had Mr. Red, followed by the worst matches from The Beach Brawl, sandwiched with more Mr. Red.

UWF Beach Brawl

UWF Beach Brawl, 9th June 1991

Before we start, let's discuss this tournament, shall we?

The first round of matches were not aired on TV and apparently happened at 'house shows'. Did those house shows actually take place? Did these first round matches actually occur? Well, I don't know for certain. But I can't find any proof of any events happening in Texas, and I sure don't remember them advertising any events in Texas, so to see some results from a show in Texas... well, that's suspicious. Next, we look at the 2nd round. There were supposed to be four matches: The first lasted 5 seconds before being thrown out - it was clearly used to setup a match for the PPV. The second match involved 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams possibly shooting on 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray for Herb Abrams' personal vendetta. Seriously. The third match didn't happen, as one of the participants "didn't show up" so the other person advanced without a match happening. The fourth match... it's like it never existed - I have no idea who it was to have been between and it was never advertised. And thus, our final was determined with only ONE match being relevant. Remember - we were told every week this was "a format devised by Dr. Herb Abrams". Motherfucker has a doctorate in crack.

Also, I'll point out that 'Dr. Death' being the only person in the tournament to actually wrestle a match in the tournament is one reason I don't actually believe Steve Ray when he says him getting manhandled by Steve Williams was a work. 

So... yeah. The worst tournament ever is to finally be concluded tonight!

It's 4am! I've got vege dogs! I've got PepsiMax! I've got ice cream! Let's do this!!!

We open with a video package showing old wrestling clips. Really fucking old. Herb wanted to bring wrestling back to the glory days. Today the UWF will follow tradition and crown their own champion.

Also on the card: The Black Harts, Terry Gordy vs Don Muraco, The Power Twins vs Mass Confusion (FKA The Killer Bees), a "Legends Match" between Bob Backlund & Ivan Koloff, 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Colonel DeBeers, and Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack.

Bam Bam Bigelow says nothing will stop him from destroying 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams.

'Dr. Death' is concentrating on stomping Bam Bam Bigelow to death.

Holy shit - the arena is dark! I guess they're trying to hide the 98% of the building that is empty?

Brian Ricco is our host or something. He can't pronounce "behemoth" properly, and brings in a very upset Herb Abrams who tries to pretend he is "elated". Brian asks who Herb thinks will win tonight and be crowned the very first UWF Sportschannel TV Champion... and Herb just simply says 'Dr. Death. Then Brian tells us there will also be a "Ladies Championship" match tonight - between two women that have never wrestled in the UWF before. That sounds about right. AND on the hotline right now is... Mr. Red? I can pay to talk to Mr. Fucking Red?? Can I also pay someone to stomp my balls??

Craig and Bruno are looking sharp tonight! They mention that Don Muraco is not here and will be replaced by Johnny Ace because he lives nearby.

Frankie E is backstage with Bam Bam Bigelow, who says he has trained and studied hard for the match tonight. He has... "hobility"? Mo' money, mo' happy! Oh shit - it's his son's 3rd birthday today. Happy Birthday, Bam Bam's son! Your present is your Dad wrestling in the darkest shittiest place in Florida (which is already one of the shittiest places).

Now he talks to 'Dr. Death' and there's talk of "secrecy" in his training camp. What is he, a Formula 1 team? He says people tried to stab him in the back to get to the title. MOTHER. FUCKER. You were attacking 'Mr. Wonderful' for months! Frankie: "Strong words from a strong man".

Now it's back to Brian. Will this show ever start?!?

Honestly, the more I see it, the more it looks like a shitty WCW taping from a house show or something - pretty far from a wrestling promotion's biggest event ever.

Opening Match
The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs Jim Cooper and The Fire Cat

Wow, what a totally PPV worthy match and like nothing we see on The Fury Hour each week! Bruno references Japanese wrestling magazines and that's seriously all I have to say about this.

Winners = The Black Harts via 'Vegematic' I think

Luna attacks The Fire Cat with a chain. It wasn't a bad match, but no one cared. Because no one cares about a couple of jobbers wrestling poorly against a tag-team that no one cares about. Also, there's no one there.

Luna complains to Brian about the match-making, so he just cuts her off to start the next match.

Street Fight
Johnny Ace vs Terry Gordy
I was actually wondering the other day whatever happened to Johnny Ace - and now I know he's living in Florida just waiting by the phone in the hopes someone will ask him to wrestle! Craig makes sure to point out that the crowd don't care about him. Great stuff! Terry Gordy has the best and most appropriate entrance song (Bastard by Mötley Crüe). For a 'street fight', they sure are doing a whole lot of basic wrestling moves. Bruno thinks these guys could have a wonderful technical match if they stuck to the rules - which they have been doing now for like 10 minutes. Ace goes for a move outside the ring but Gordy fails to catch him, which means we finally get some 'street fighting' in the crowd. But it's so dark, I can't see a damned thing that's happening.

No Contest via double-countout

In a fucking 'Street Fight'???
They keep 'fighting' (e.g. headlocks) but why are there little kids running around the ring? They waste more time just jawing at each other. That was OK while it lasted... but a countout in a street fight is fucking nonsense.

Bruno gives us an insight into thinking like a champion, because we need more time spent on not wrestling.

Mass/Mask Confusion vs The Power Twins
Apparently The Power Twins aren't allowed to have John Tolos with them. The Killer Bees have brought back the jackets! But not the masks - which is fucking hilarious, given the name change (which has changed again in the half hour since the intro).

Craig is crying because The Power Twins throw their shirts at him. Free clothes!

Don't complain - you might need some after this. Craig: "There are no opening acts at The Beach Brawl." Motherfucker has the show not started?? BAHAHAHA Blair does that whole 'struggling to reach his corner and make a tag' spot and the Power Twin actually pushes him closer, so Blair has to pretend that he's not now right in front of his tag partner.

The Bees/Confusion put on their masks so they can swap places, but there's no fooling Bruno. If The Power Twins were doing this, y'all would be bitching so hard. Why isn't the referee questioning them putting masks on in the middle of a match??

Winners = The Killer Bees/Mass/Mask Confusion via sunset flip and mask wearing

I think I need to go watch The Killer Bees vs The Hart Foundation from one of my Bret Hart DVDs because I can't actually recall if The Bees were ever actually any good.

Hear The Beach Brawl by phone?? What the fuck does that even mean?? Is Herb going to hold the phone up near the ring so you can hear them stomping in the ring???

We've got like 5 matches left... and only 1 hour...

UWF Ladies Championship
Rockin' Robin vs Candi Devine
Interesting choice to completely ignore the women that have actually been wrestling on UWF shows. Craig tries to put over Robin's singing. MOTHERFUCKER I still have nightmares about that nonsense. YOU GAWDAM TRIGGERED MY WRESTLEMANIA PTSD!

Winner = Rockin' Robin via rollup

New Champion!

That match was... not good.

Craig and Bruno think that Rockin' Robin will have a tough time defending the title. Because of the competition, the fact she's never wrestled in the UWF before, or because the UWF is about to go out of business?

Recap of the Colonel DeBeers and 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff feud. Which is a recap of the Colonel DeBeers and Billy Jack Haynes feud. Because Orndorff and DeBeers haven't interacted with each other even once on UWF television. Craig again mentions these are "highlights that led up to tonight's match". Riiiiight.

Strap Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Colonel DeBeers
Has DeBeers always used Shout at the Devil as his entrance song? I can only assume Herb picks the music and only has one CD (Shout at the Devil). Herb being a massive Mötley Crüe fan somehow makes a lot of sense. 'Mr. Wonderful' is fucking awesome - why was he not in the tournament? Why isn't the final of the tournament a big blow-off to his feud with 'Dr. Death' with the UWF title on the line?? Bruno gives DeBeers credit for cheating - because Orndorff is so good, DeBeers needs any advantage he can get. Bruno even makes the bad guys look better.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

OK so what was the point of the strap? DeBeers reacts to his loss by attacking Orndorff with a taser. Lovely. Bruno sounds legit disgusted.

Captain Lou's Corner
Are you fucking kidding me now?? His guests are Luna Vachon and The Black Harts. Albano decides he doesn't like his guests, so throws down his mic and leaves. Cool.

You can buy a souvenir programme! Imagine the wonderful information that must contain... The postal address has changed; Herb must have moved house.

Legends Match
Bob Backlund vs Ivan Koloff (w/Mr. Red)
Bob Backlund is "the undefeated champion of the world". Which is why he has no championship? Holy shit - the dude sure was strong!

Winner = Bob Backlund via rollup

Captain Lou Albano comes back out to beat up Mr. Red.

We get a recap of the Wet N' Wild/Bob Orton & Cactus Jack feud. Which actually works, because these guys have been feuding for months and fighting each other regularly on television.

Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)
Craig is absolutely losing his shit over the "babes" walking out with Wet N' Wild.

Tolos is thrown in a cage; dude needs RoboCop to rescue him!

Doesn't take long for the referee to be knocked out, so Tolos throws Orton some brass knuckles.

But then Orton punches Cactus Jack by accident.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via Orton fucking up

Cactus Jack and Orton get into a brawl and take it backstage.

Recap of the events leading up to our main event! Bam Bam Bigelow beat up some jobber and 'Dr. Death' won the only match of the tournament.

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship
Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
Herb comes out to present the championship belt and Bam Bam is like 'I just wanna fight - get the fuck outta here, Herb'.

I'm still baffled as to how Williams can be a heel since the start of this company and then you try to switch it to Bigelow at the last minute. Both men get cut open at the start. How? They were only taking clotheslines. Bigelow hits his top rope splash, but celebrates too quickly like a dork, so of course 'Dr. Death' kicks out and starts his comeback.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via powerslam

Herb runs in to present 'Dr. Death' with his new fancy belt. So can 'Mr. Wonderful' at least be the first challenger, so they can finally put an end to their feud properly?

Herb asks 'Dr. Death' what he has to say and it's just a bunch of horseshit that I can't understand. Herb throws out the challenge to all the champions "across the USA, Japan and Tokyo".

Brian Ricco now interviews 'Dr. Death' backstage. "I'm in a lot of pain right now, but that pain has all gone away" - so you're not actually in any pain, then? He wants to wrestle against bouncers and track-athletes - you know, not pro-wrestlers.

Craig thinks 'Dr. Death' is "the dictionary definition of pride'. Bruno thinks he could beat anyone in the world. Herb thinks he's already lost too much money and turns the lights out.

Then we get a recap of all the results, which actually takes longer than some of the matches.

Thoughts:

• If you call your event (The?) Beach Brawl, do some beach decorations. Throw up a fake palm tree, give me some sand or a beach ball or something. Don't make your event look like a low-budget midnight punk rock concert.
• Seeing that tiny crowd actually had me feeling sorry for Herb.
• The main event was pretty good. The 'Legends Match' was also not so bad - I'm glad they kept it short. But the rest of the show was either 'meh' or garbage or...
• A double fucking countout in a street fight after one guy doesn't show. Holy Sheet.