WrestleMania March Madness, Day Twenty-Eight: WrestleMania XXVIII

1 April 2012
Sun Life Stadium
Miami, Florida - USA

Attendance: 78,363

Commentators: Michael Cole & Jerry 'the King' Lawler

My thoughts before this viewing:
This was another group viewing and as such I remember having a great time. But mostly in the same way as WrestleMania XXVII - we barely paid attention to anything outside of the main event. Hopefully I will pay more attention to everything else on the card today. I say that now, but there will probably be an 18-Diva match with Hornswoggle and Michael Cole as the guest commentators so I can't promise anything. I swear, if I see anything that is close to what I just wrote I will be out of here and back to playing 80's arcade games faster than you can steal my lemonade. Leave it alone! Now let's start the show and see how I go...

America the Beautiful
It's Lillian Garcia again, along with some bullshit military salute or something. Why can't Lillian just sing normally? She's good and all - and this song is lame - but she is just ridiculous with the way she sings all over the place. And I don't think she is quite as good as she seems to think she is.
3/10

She leads the crowd in a "USA" chant.
Oh just fuck off.

Opening Video Package
Once in a lifetime. I'm from the future and I call bullshit.
8/10

Opening Match
World Heavyweight Championship
Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan (c) (w/AJ Lee)

Daniel Bryan is the bad guy - but you wouldn't know it from the crowd reaction. They love him! Which means WWE have to destroy him.
Winner = Sheamus via pinfall in 18 seconds
New Champion!
3/10

And this is why it pays to be friends with the boss.

Backstage
The bad guys are fighting for Team Johnny. He compares their upcoming match tonight to Andre/Hogan and Austin/Hart. I'm from the future and I call bullshit. Hell, even in 2012 I call bullshit.
2/10

Randy Orton vs Kane

Kane is back in the mask and his hair has grown back? More of his evil magic powers, no doubt.
The crowd are so excited by this match they chant "Daniel Bryan!"
There is a guy in the front row that can't believe Kane didn't win from a chokeslam, Dude, he never wins from a chokeslam. Oh wait...
Winner = Kane via pinfall following top rope chokeslam
3/10

Backstage
Santino Marella and Mick Foley combine to create the worst backstage segment I have seen in a long time. Ron Simmons enters to say "Damn!" because he has the best job in the world.
-3/10

Video Package
Big Show is big... a big dummy! Especially at WrestleMania.
8/10

Intercontinental Championship
Big Show vs Cody Rhodes (c)

The commentators bury Daniel Bryan so we at home know not to care about him like the fans in the arena.
Winner = Big Show via pinfall following KO punch event though it should be illegal
New Champion!
4/10


Big Show starts crying. Add that to his embarrassing WrestleMania moments.

Video Package
The Divas brag about their job. OK then?
3/10

Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos vs Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres
They show a video of why this match is happening. I wish they hadn't.
Winners = Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos via Maria pinning Beth
2/10

Nothing like having a TV show host pin your Diva's champion.

Backstage
Matt Striker talks to Shawn Michaels, who is just typical Shawn Michaels and say nothing.
3/10

Jim Ross comes out for commentary. Because the H bomb gets the best for his matches.

Hell in a Cell - End of an Era Match
Undertaker vs Triple H
Guest Referee: Shawn Michaels
What does "End of an Era" even mean?
I'm guessing it is why the H bomb spends half of this match yelling at Michaels to "end it!", which gets really old really really quickly. A second referee comes out and gets chokeslammed, which he sells for about 12 minutes. Must have been the deadliest chokeslam in history. And then they kinda rip off the ending to WrestleMania XXVI.
Just way lamer.
Winner = Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
5/10

Hall of Fame highlights. Ric Flair thanked Chris Benoit but they didn't it. Mike Tyson made a joke about when he was arrested and people laugh? Yeah, it's funny he raped a girl.

Backstage
Heath Slater wants to work with Flo Rida, who does not have a sense of humour.

8/10

Team Teddy vs Team Johnny
For control of Raw and Smackdown
I can not begin to describe for you just how much indifference I feel towards this match.
Winners = Team Johnny following The Miz pinning Zack Ryder
3/10

After he gets pinned at WrestleMania, Eve kicks him in the balls. If I'm learning anything from this WrestleMania, it's that you should not try and get yourself over with the fans or WWE will kill your career.

More highlights of WrestleMania week and all the good WWE do for the world. If I'm learning anything else from this WrestleMania, it's that WWE is full of bullshit.

Backstage
CM Punk and John Laurinaitis get together for a bit of a chin-wag. Good old Johnny Ace decides that if Punk gets disqualified or counted out he will lose his title. CM Punk still has his lip-piercing here. I he doesn't get another one before his UFC debut.
7/10

Video Package
Chris Jericho thinks he is better than CM Punk because people in Punk's family have substance abuse problems. And people wonder why I am so done with Chris Jericho...
5/10

WWE Championship
CM Punk (c) vs Chris Jericho
These guys get the coolest entrances. As much as I dislike Chris Jericho, I certainly admire his choice in jackets.

And I post this so you have an idea of the scale of things. Is best viewed with Cult of Personality by Living Colour playing in the background:

After that awesome, this match starts with lots yells like "Your Father's a drunk!" and "Your sister's a drug addict!". Fucking cringe.
Remember when Johnny Ace said if CM Punk gets counted out he loses the title? Someone needs to remind Chris Jericho. And the commentators; they just said that he was pulling Punk back into the ring because it was the only way he can win the title. You are all stupid.
At least the end of this was good.
Winner = CM Punk via submission
7/10

Brodus Clay calls his 'Momma'.
I call my psychiatrist to find out what compells me to continue this marathon.
-3/10

Video Package
The Rock vs John Cena is the biggest Main Event in the history of WWE. I'm from the future and can't argue with the numbers. Chris Jericho claims this will be the greatest Main Event of all time. I'm from the future and I call bullshit.
9/10

Musical Performance
Diddy is here to introduce Machine Gun Kelly. Diddy should have performed instead. Machine Gun Kelly suck worse than Metallica. They even end their performance by saying John Cena is the biggest underdog tonight. Oh fuck off and learn some musical skill.
-1/10

Musical Performance
Flo Rida has a cool mic stand.

He changes the whole last verse of Wild Ones to rap about The Rock kicking ass and beating John Cena. Flo Rida is cool.
9/10

Main Event

The Rock vs John Cena
Note to WWE: near-falls would work much better if wrestlers still won matches from things like suplexes and rollups, otherwise you have to do like this match and have dudes constantly kick out of finishing moves.
Winner = The Rock via pinfall following rock bottom for like the third time
7/10

The Rock celebrates as his theme plays us out.

WrestleMania XXVIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   The Rock vs John Cena
   This match didn't involve someone yelling at their opponent about their family being a drug addict or a drunk.
2. Worst Match
   Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos vs Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres
   Maria Menounos is about as good a wrestler as Kelly Kelly. Think about that.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Flo Rida beating up Heath Slater. The guy is actually huge and made Slater look like a chump.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Mick Foley and Santino Marella attacking their dinner with their sock puppets.
5. Star of the Show
   The Rock. Because The Rock is so obviously a bigger star than anyone else on this show it is hilarious.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Flo Rida. He looked like he wanted no part of that backstage segment, beat up a clown with a Southern drawl, and then rocked the house with his songs. Thumbs up from me!
   
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Those Machine Gun Kelly clowns. Their music is bad and they should feel bad.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight was a collection of flavours; avocado, kale, red onion, tomato, cucumber, capsicum, carrot hummus and falafel topped with fried mushrooms and sweet chilli sauce. Was very tasty and filling. Being the weekend, I moved back to 7-Up. I should have stuck with Pepsi Next. And added tequila. Maybe one-fifth Pepsi Next and four-fifths tequila. The Chips Ahoy! with Reese's peanut butter cups were again very wonderful.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Even the logo has gross stuff stuck to it now.
10. Overall Score
    Jeepers - what a way to kill a good run! All the backstage stuff was awful, some of the video packages were fun and then the matches were mostly boring. Or quick and boring. The main event and the WWE championship match were good enough, but there was just something missing all night. Remember at WrestleMania III how all night you heard from Hogan and Andre, which just added to the drama and got me excited for the main event? This show had none of that; not a single promo by one of the greatest promo men of all time? No John Cena telling us how bad he needed to win? Just a video package telling us this was going to be the biggest main event of all time - I think that hurt it a bit. And that Triple H/Undertaker match is by far the most overrated match possible. Just an overblown spotfest that meant nothing. End of an era? Both are still wrestling and stuff - what was the point? Oh well, tomorrow is another day. Another day of WrestleMania... damn!
    4 out of 10
    
    
    
    
    

WrestleMania March Madness, Day Fourteen: WrestleMania XIV

29 March 1998
FleetCenter
Boston, Massachusetts - USA

Attendance: 19,028

Commentators: Jim Ross & Jerry 'the King' Lawler

My thoughts before this viewing:
I remember wanting to watch this when it was shown on TV, but I had to work that night. And everyone was watching it in the break room so I kept avoiding it as much as I could. Then I was super annoyed because it took forever to come out on video so I could finally watch it. What a maroon I can be. I don't recall much other than The Rock being hilarious, 'Stone Cold' Steven Austin being a total badass and The Undertaker & Kane being awesome. I'll explain why later. But yeah, this show is what launched 'The Attitude Era' and saved the WWF from going out of business, making a household name out of that Steve Austin guy. And not the Billion Dollar Man (though he was already a household name. That show is so awesome, I really must watch that again at some point when WrestleManias don't consume my life).

National Anthem/America the Beautiful
The Degeneration-X band are here to perform the "alternative" versions of these song. This is the first time I've ever heard Americans boo their own national anthem.
-1/10

Opening Video Package
People are concerned tradition is dead at WrestleMania, but tonight will prove tradition is alive. You dare say this after that musical performance???
3/10

15 Tag Team Battle Royal
The Legion of Doom are now with Sunny and sporting a new look.

They have even grown out the mohawks. Bad move - makes them look like old Dads. Bad guys that aren't even in the match are allowed to just walk in at will and eliminate dudes they don't like, then leave. Interesting rules. The Headbangers have added some colour to their outfits. They still suck and look even suckier, but now they do it with colour.
Winners = The Legion of Doom
4/10

Everyone has a 3:16 sign of some sort, whether it be Steven Austin, their own names or Eric Cartman. It's 1998 - South Park was SUPER popular.

Honky Tonk Man is here to promote the hotline. Loser.

WWF Light Heavyweight Championship
Taka Michinoku (c) vs Aguila
Jerry Lawler assures us his son could beat both men. Fair enough - he is a trained pro-wrestler and is about twice the size of either man. And neither of these men are particularly good at anything.
Winner = Taka Michinoku via pinfall following Michinoku Driver
3/10

I like high-flying matches but WCW and Mexico had all the best talent at it, so the WWF had to settle for these guys.

Backstage
Gennifer Flowers is interviewing The Rock, who assures her he is the people's champ. They discuss how much better America would be if The Rock was the President. His shirt is awesome.
8/10

WWF European Championship
Owen Hart vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley (c) (w/Chyna)

Hunter is played in by the Degeneration-X band, who perform the Degeneration-X theme. They are even shit at their own songs. The H bomb is starting to use the name 'Triple H/HHH' because he is obviously not good at long words. Chyna will be handcuffed to Sgt Slaughter so she doesn't interfere. Owen is the last of the Hart Foundation left in the WWF - let's see how that works out for him... Oh, he gets punched in the balls by Chyna. Of course...

Winner = HHH via pinfall following low blow and pedigree
5/10

Chyna then beats up Sgt. Slaughter.

Buy 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin's new t-shirt!

Video Package
Marc Mero is not as popular as his wife and her implants so he brought in some bad guys to get rid of her? No sense required.
3/10

Mixed Tag Team Match
Marc Mero & Sable vs Goldust & Luna Vachon
Oh he is 'The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust' now. What a great name. Marc Mero no longer looks like Little Richard. Sable still has wonky eyes. Sable powerbombs Luna who completely no sells it, so she uses Marc Mero's finisher instead to piss him off.
Winners = Marc Mero & Sable via pinfall following TKO on Luna from Sable
2/10

Tenessee Lee introduces Jeff Jarrett and Gennifer Flowers for no apparent reason. I love that Vince McMahon seems to hate Bill Clinton so much that he is willing to hire someone that is only known for having an affair with him.

WWF Intercontinental Championship
Ken Shamrock vs The Rock (c) (w/The Nation of Domination)
Winner = Ken Shamrock via submission
4/10
New Champion?

Shamrock beats up the rest of the Nation of Domination and then goes back to putting The Rock in an ankle lock. Then he gets all bug-eyed and beats a bunch of referees and officials. So the referee reverses the decision.
Winner = The Rock via disqualification
So no new champion

So Shamrock gets even angrier and beats up on The Rock some more. Good job, referee!

WWF Tag Team Championship
Dumpster Match
Chainshaw Charlie & Cactus Jack vs The New Age Outlaws (c)
To win this match you must put both of the other tag team in a dumpster and close the lid. Sound exciting? Chainsaw Charlie & Cactus Jack should have called themselves something like the C & C Music Factory. The WWF announce the gate as a new record or something, being over a million dollars, so Jerry Lawler asks for a pay rise. I say no, you suck. The tag teams end up fighting to the backstage area and Terry Funk uses a forklift to dump the New Age Outlaws into a conveniently placed dumpster.
Winners = Chainsaw Charlie & Cactus Jack via dumping their opponents
New Champions!
5/10

Video Package
Kane is The Undertaker's brother whom he thought had died in a fire (which may or may not have been started by The Undertaker himself). Kane has super magical powers. The Undertaker has super magical powers. The Undertaker quotes Jules Winfield from Pulp Fiction to make this even cooler. But when both men are shooting lightning bolts from their wrists, it is all just superfluous.
9/10

Pete Rose is the guest ring announcer and this crowd hates him, which is fair enough because all he does is insult them. So Kane beats him up to thunderous applause. Why have the bad guy beat up the guy the crowd hates, thus making people cheer the bad guy? Is it really this hard to run a pro-wrestling company?

The Undertaker vs Kane (w/Paul Bearer)
The Undertaker has an epic entrance with druids and shit.

Lawler says people may not be aware of the history between these two men, despite their being a video package right before this match that covered it pretty well. Heck, even my little 3 sentences summed it all up easily, Jim Ross thinks The Undertaker's plan is to let Kane punch himself out - that is a terrible strategy. Remind me not to hire you as my coach if I ever take up some form of combat sports. The Undertaker then destroys the Spanish announce table because it has lasted far too long during this show.

Looks like someone forgot to install the screws in that kit-set table. Four Tombstone piledrivers later and this match is over.
Winner = The Undertaker via pinfall following 3 tombstone piledrivers
7/10

Because 3 tombstone piledrivers aren't enough to put him away for good, Kane beats The Undertaker with a chair and then tombstones him on it for good measure. No magical powers were used, much to my disappointment.

Video of some WWF legends putting over the new guys.

WWF Championship
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs Shawn Michaels (c)
Guest Enforcer: Mike Tyson

The Degeneration-X band perform the Degeneration-X theme again for Shawn Michaels' entrance. They have not improved. Michaels attacks Austin with some of the band's gear - the best use of it all night.

Feel free to break the rest of it. The fans chant "Holyfield" at Tyson and the commentators pretend they can't understand it. The referee gets a face full of Michaels' bum, so that's him finished for the night.

Austin hits the Stone Cold Stunner so Tyson has to count the pin.
Winner = 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin via pinfall following Stone Cold Stunner
New Champion!
7/10

Shawn Michaels steals Mike Tyson's new 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin t-shirt and won't give it back, so Tyson knocks him out.

Isn't this guy on parole or banned from boxing or something? He probably shouldn't be punching people in the face in front of 20,000 witnesses. Instead of the new champ celebrating to end the show, we are instead left with the image of Shawn Michaels laying in the ring and then highlights from tonight to send us out.

WrestleMania XIV: The Awards

1. Best Match
   'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs Shawn Michaels
   Predictable but still good. Michaels even remembered to sell his 'career-ending back injury' every so often.
2. Worst Match
   Marc Mero & Sable vs The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust & Luna Vachon
   Just an excuse to make Sable more popular. Strangely, she was more covered up than usual. But she was certainly more over than anyone else in that match.
3. Highlight of the Show
   The Rock getting to show some personality. The dude was only just getting started.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   The Degeneration-X band. A few years ago I took part in a music competition for 12 year-olds and saw better talent. And probably better Rage Against the Machine impersonations.
5. Star of the Show
   'Stone Cold' Steve Austin. I had actually forgotten how insanely popular this guy was.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Mike Tyson. He didn't do much, which was probably the best way to use Mike Tyson.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Gennifer Flowers. I still can't understand why she was here or why anyone should care about her.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight I had the usual salad veges: baby spinach, cucumber, red onion, capsicum and tomato, with some mustard and ketchup, but decided to try some quorn 'chicken' burgers, topped with sweet chilli sauce and fried mushrooms. Epic. After such savoury goodness the Oatmeal Creme Pie went down nicely. I also mixed it up by trying some 7-Up Light. It was better than I expected.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Again, I don't think I spilled anything on it tonight. Though the stains on it already are probably building their own cities by now.
10. Overall Score
    This show continued the current tradition of being a mess of pointless stuff outside of the main event. Except this time there was a pretty cool co-main event, so perhaps we are getting somewhere? I wouldn't count on it...
    5 out of 10