UWF Blackjack Brawl

23 September 1994
MGM Grand Garden Arena
Las Vegas, Nevada - USA

The UWF is back, baby!

It's a year later and what do we have here? Well, this time it is actually the very final UWF event! This was a live television special - not another PPV disaster, sadly. But since it's been 14 months since the glory of Rampage '93, let's see who is still following Herb to the depths of UWF awesomeness.

Wait - we're back on SportsChannel?? Did these people not learn anything from airing 47 episodes of The Fury Hour??

And we now join the show... IN PROGRESS.

Carlo and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos are on the call. I have no idea who is wrestling, though. Ummm... is that maybe Dan fucking Spivey??

UWF Americas Championship?
Johnny Ace (w/Missy Hyatt) vs 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey
Pretty sure Herb still has some of his t-shirts in stock, so why the fuck not, eh? Tolos thinks these dudes have speed, but I'm yet to see anything other than slowness.

Winner = 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey via Missy Hyatt throwing in the towel for Johnny Ace.

New Champion?

Herb gets in the ring to interview Spivey, but Spivey just attacks him. Herb calls in Blackjack Mulligan to save him. Then calls Spivey a chicken. Whatintheactualfuck is going on here???

Tolos goes on some kind of anti-women rant. Whoa-boy we're really off to the races here...

UWF Junior Heavyweight Championship
Mondo Guerrero vs 'Wildman' Jack Armstrong (w/Some Tall Dude)

Where did all these UWF championships come from? Our ring announcer tonight is Las Vegas "comic" Steve Rossi. Armstrong comes out to Van Halen's Right Now; it's a great song, but one hell of a weird entrance song for a bad guy. Tolos is certain Armstrong is "out of breath" after the first exchange - running 5 marathons is nothing compared to pro-wrestling? Carlo is confused and thinks this is the first match of the show. I'm confused because there is a big tall dude in Armstrong's corner and not once have the commentators mentioned his name or even acknowledged his presence.

Seriously - even when Armstrong actually hit him. Was he not supposed to be there or something? It's like he doesn't exist. Maybe he doesn't exist and I am hallucinating?? Too much UWF having a negative impact on my brain? Mondo is winning the entire match until Armstrong hits him with one elbow and kills him.

Winner = Jack Armstrong via elbow.

New Champion!

Herb must be on in-ring post-match interview duty tonight. He is not happy Armstrong won, but laughs at him for getting a cut on his head. Steve Rossi tries to get the crowd to cheer for Armstrong or something, but Herb gives him a nudge to shut-up.

Sunny Beach is partying with people in Las Vegas and looking fat.

Sunny Beach vs Dr. Feelgood (w/Missy Hyatt)
Sunny Beach is billed as "from California". Lies. He is also entering the ring to a James Brown song, which is absolutely not surfing music. How is Dr. Feelgood not coming out to Dr. Feelgood by Mötley Crüe? Oh shit - this dude is actually Mr. Outrageous! Seems he's traded his skateboard for a medical kit.

Tolos: "Sunny Beach is from California, and that can only mean one thing: Surfer!" Such professional insight. Missy Hyatt looks like Anna-Nicole Smith circa 1998.

She hits Sunny Beach with her shoe. Beach recovers and hits a variety of suplexes and honestly, it seems he has actually improved! Carlo wonders why Dr. Feelgood isn't "socialising with Missy". Motherfucker he's in the middle of a wrestling match - he can mack on Missy after he wins! Dr. Feelgood grabs a rag full of chloroform and tries to use it on Sunny Beach, but he reverses it.

Winner = Sunny Beach via pin with chloroform rag.

Missy is pissed and Sunny Beach grabs her - looks like he's planning on either kissing her or knocking her out, too. Either way, that shit is assault and unbecoming of a hero. Thankfully, Dr. Feelgood recovers and saves her from this predator.

Herb and Blackjack Mulligan are back in the ring for more spiteful interviews. Herb tells Missy she's "disgusting" - the fucking nerve of this guy... Like a total pro, Missy tries to subtly position Dr. Feelgood so he's actually facing the camera, but then Herb cuts off the interview.

UWF Southern States Championship
'Cowboy' Bob Orton (c) vs Finland 'Hellraiser' Thor
Orton is still the champ? And it's no longer the UWF WWF Replica Intercontinental Championship? Steve Rossi continues his fantastic job as ring announcer by calling this "All Star Wrestling". He's terrible. Just fucking terrible. BUT THE VIKING HAS RETURNED and now he's called Finland because he comes from Finland?

That's dumb. Just keep calling him THE VIKING and let him walk around with his plastic hammer! Tolos thinks Orton "looks like a midget compared to Thor". I mean, he looks thinner and older, sure. But the motherfucker is only maybe 1 or 2 inches shorter.

THE VIKING Thor manhandles Orton and it's cool - like I said, Orton isn't exactly a small dude himself. Carlo thinks THE VIKING Thor has too many tattoos. He has, like, two. Imagine if Carlo had been around when Bam Bam Bigelow was here? Carlo thinks one of the tattoos is of Herb! Bahahaha! Thor is still having fun throwing Orton around and he somehow ends up on Herb - my man is really not having a good night.

Then they just get in a crazy brawl and it's barrels of fun.

Draw via double-disqualification.

Blackjack Mulligan is in the ring with Orton. He barely gets 20 seconds to talk before being cut-off.

Up next: THE UWF MIDGET WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP

UWF Midget World Championship
The Karate Kid vs Little Tokyo

Holy fuck I'm dying here! Rossi tries to make jokes, but... he's no Steve Allen, that's for damned sure! Little Tokyo is looking pretty old. Pretty real old. Tolos thinks he could train Carlo to be a midget wrestler. Little Tokyo runs the ropes on his own while The Karate Kid hides behind the referee. Carlo is pining for Missy Hyatt, so Tolos is hoping we get a "Midget Missy Hyatt" to help cure his loneliness. Little Tokyo tries to poke the referee in the eye, but dude you're only 4'4" and barely come up to the referee's hips.

Winner = Little Tokyo via push?

New Champion! Why do I keep posting that? Almost all of these title are currently vacant!

It's time for miserable and drugged up Herb to interview our winner - which is going to be terrible. He claims to know some Japanese, which consists of "sake" and "kanpai".

'Malicious' Sid Vicious cuts a promo and we can't hear a darn word he says until he starts screaming. He says something about 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams not having the credentials to fight him. Ummm... 'Dr. Death' is the UWF BBWSportsBra Champion - no wait, wasn't he stripped of that a couple of years ago?

This show might be on more drugs than Herb.

UWF Women's Championship
Tina Moretti vs Candy Devine
Rossi calls Candi Devine "Candi Devian" and Carlo tries desperately to cover for him. Herb demands a kiss from Moretti. Yuck. I'd hope she got hazard pay for that, but something tells me no one's getting paid after this show.
Tolos: "All my friends love The Golden Greek!"
Well, yeah you'd hope your friends like you, or they wouldn't really be friends now, would they...

Winner = Candy Devine Devian via top-rope slam or something.

New Champion!

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams and a giant cardboard version of himself says he's fought off a lot of challengers for the UWF title. I don't recall you defending it once - Orton has defended that UWF Southern States Championship a lot more.

UWF World Tag-Team Championship
The Killer Bees vs The New Powers of Pain (The Warlord & Power Warrior)
Finally, some tag-team titles! A great idea to do this ON YOUR LAST SHOW EVER! Power Warrior is one of The Power Twins! Yay! I'd prefer just The Power Twins, to be honest. Carlo mentions that the Bees are almost as old as Tolos and like that's not the best way to hype people about your top guys. Brunzell works on Power Warrior's leg and he shouts out "Leave my leg alone!". Power Twins were ahead of their time. This match is getting Tolos so excited, he announces he will return to wrestling and wrestle... Carlos. Bhahaha. Warlord goes to clothesline Brunzell, but he clumsily gets out of the way and the referee gets clumsily knocked out of the ring.

OOOH the other Power Twin runs out and swaps with Power Warrior! They're finally getting revenge on The Killer Bees for the skullduggery they pulled at (The?) Beach Brawl! DR. HERB WITH THE LONG-TERM STORYTELLING WIN!!! Tolos finally clicks that these guys are the Power Twins - a tag-team that he fucking managed for months.

Winners = The Killer Bees via The Warlord clotheslining his own partner like a fucking goof.

New Champions!

What a total clusterfuck. The crack production crew couldn't even catch any of the action towards the ending. The Power Twins were robbed.

Oh fuck me, Jimmy 'Superfly Murderer' Snuka is in Las Vegas to fight Cactus Jack. And maybe murder a young woman? He loves the people. And murdering?

Lumberjack Match
Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka vs Cactus Jack
Herb is really excited to see Cactus Jack before the match. Man, he's seriously on his shit tonight. Some girl comes over and gets a photo with The Power Twins because she has good taste and did one of them just grab her butt?

There are a lot of dudes out here to be lumberjacks that I've not seen before or at least aren't wrestling on this show - like 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray. This match is a mess. At one point, the lumberjacks try to get Cactus Jack back into the ring and he tries to take a table with him. Herb joins the commentary team and Cactus Jack throws Snuka at him, which leads to madness.

Herb calls Cactus Jack "one of the greatest high-flyers" BAHAHAHA. Cactus Jack throws Snuka out of the ring again and it is like a mosh pit with the way everyone is just shoving each other.

Herb can be heard screaming to ring the bell.

Draw via double-disqualification.

Snuka and Cactus Jack start fighting up in the stands and Carlo is all like "They didn't even pay for those seats!". No one did - that's why they're empty.

Rossi tries to tell us these guys are the best and Herb is like 'fuck that GO TO COMMERCIAL'.

Herb has taken it upon himself to announce the main event - I think maybe he booted Rossi for being too boring. Herb is genuinely fucked up.

UWF World Heavyweight Championship
'Dr. Death' Steve Williams (c) vs 'Malicious' Sid Vicious
This must be a different UWF championship and belt? How and when did 'Dr. Death' win it?? Carlo manages to spell "U.W.F." correctly - he's now proven he is too smart to work here anymore. He then threatens us with a Blackjack Brawl II & III and I feel like it was clear within 2 minutes of this show there would never be another Blackjack Brawl. Or UWF show. Something has broken in the ring - the mat is all warped and is moving as the wrestlers move around the ring.

I can't imagine a more fitting thing to happen in the UWF's final match. 'Dr. Death' gets the pin and 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey hits the ring to help move some more t-shirts.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via disqualification? Pretty sure he had the 3 count before Spivey even did anything, but whatever.

Spivey beats up 'Dr. Death' who just totally no-sells it for a while and continues beating up on Vicious, but eventually the bad guys double-team him and give him the old Skyscrapers double-powerbomb move from when they were a tag-team in WCW back in the 80's. Johnny Fucking Ace comes out with a chair to make the save and chase the bad guys away.
Carlo: "'Dr. Death' has been such a great champion for the UWF". Perhaps I didn't cover this: he won the title and then was NEVER seen again until now. Two years later. 

Herb and his failure-induced/cocaine-fueled rage wants 'Dr. Death' vs Sid Vicious to fight again in a steel cage match. 'Dr. Death' says yes: "You haven't seen the last of the Doctor!" No shit - you just accepted a steel cage match.

Herb goes ballistic at Vicious and Spivey. Blackjack Mulligan also berates the bad guys and they're just like 'Uh, old man, you were once a really bad pro-wrestler that cheated all the time as well'. Herb says Williams still has the belt - except Herb is the one actually holding it up as he says this, because 'Dr. Death' has been sent to the hospital?

Rossi is just laughing at everyone yelling over each other. Herb's microphone gets cut-off, so we cut to Carlo and Tolos to get their final thoughts.
Tolos: "This is what the UWF stands for!". I can't argue with that. He then tries to tell me this is the greatest feud going in pro-wrestling today, and I'm like in 2022 you might be right.

Herb must have found a working microphone, so it's back to him and Blackjack Mulligan. Herb is ranting like an absolute fucking lunatic - his voice is hoarse from all the screaming. "WATCH THE UNIVERSAL WRESTLING FEDERATION! IT'S OUT OF THIS WORLD!"

MJ's Why You Wanna Trip on Me? sends us out.

Thoughts:

• Buckle in, kids...
• This show was a complete train wreck. A clusterfuck of epic proportions. I loved it.
• The show started IN PROGRESS but the commentators never once tried to get us up to speed on what we missed - or what we were watching.
• Herb was clearly under the influence and got progressively worse as the night wore on. 
• Steve Rossi was a terrible idea.
• The wrestling was actually pretty good! But 98% of the finishes were classic UWF WTF finishes.
• Carlo and John Tolos do make for a good commentary duo. Tolos, however, does get caught with some... less than good comments at times.
• I'm not sure where all these championships suddenly came from, but they would have been more beneficial maybe 2 years earlier before the whole company went out of business forever.
• The main event was a total dud.
• Again, this show really was a colossal train wreck on every conceivable level. I had a great time!
• And so ends my journey watching the UWF. I'm not sure how it happened, but it took me a whole year to move on the 2nd episode, then I watched everything else within the following 2 months. Then it took me another 4 months to finish all these bLog posts - just in time for another weekend of WrestleMania watching...
• Can I just watch some more UWF instead??

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 34

UWF Fury Hour Episode 34, 24th June 1991

I guess it is time for more matches from The Beach Brawl! Wooo hoooo! I'll go stab myself now.

UWF Ladies Championship
Rockin' Robin vs Candi Devine
My copy joins the match in progress, which is absolutely fine with me! Craig rhymes "mere" with "hair" and is mighty pleased with himself.

Winner = Rockin' Robin via rollup

Craig thinks this is the peak of her career. I don't know if she ever wrestled at a WrestleMania, but she did defeat the music at WrestleMania V and I'd imagine that moment was pretty up there for her! 

Craig and Brian in their empty office are interviewing Rockin' Robin.

These pictures really just reinforce that the whole thing looks like a job interview. Brian wants to know what's next: "Touring across the country with the UWF?" Oh yeah, those extensive UWF tours of... The Penta Hotel and... Florida. Robin isn't a "desk person". The irony of someone saying that when being interviewed in the most generic office ever... Craig asks her to sing and I get ready to fucking throw my TV at Craig.

Now they're talking with Candi Devine, who is wearing the same gear she wrestled in. She has no other clothes? Her and Robin have fought many times "in the mid-West and also the West".

This Jeep commercial makes me want to rock out!

Recap of the previous battles between Wet N' Wild and Cactus Jack & 'Cowboy' Bob Orton.

Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos
This match has a 45 minute time-limit draw? That's like my living limit for this match. Everything is so dark it's hard to see what's happening - if I were in the crowd, I'd be having a hard time seeing Tolos getting thrown into a cage. And not just because I'd be trying to set myself on fire. This reminds me of when Dusty Rhodes had a "gorilla" in a cage to sort out the Four Horsemen. That was fucking hilarious. This is not. Wild Thing's dropkick to knock Orton out of ring was.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via Orton cheating fail

Jack and Orton have a rumble afterwards. Tolos blows his whistle. Foley really did bleed a lot for the several people in attendance.

Oh fuck it's an empty office interview with Wet N' Wild.

Dudes clearly look under the influence. John Tolos was suspended 20 feet in the air. No wait it was 30 feet. Now it's 35 feet. Wild Thing was inspired by a girl in his apartment or something? Herb's wife? He is giving the most rambling nonsense answers. John Tolos is gone?? Sunny Beach likes cornflakes. Bah fucking gawd this is all kinds of hilariously awful. They like sharing... and say WW (Wet N' Wild) apparently stands for "Party Time". I don't see a single W in there, you fucking dropkicks.

Next candidate Brian and Craig have to interview is 'Cowboy' Bob Orton.

He calls Jack a goof and a scatterbrain. He needs to be in a ring with someone just as good as him. Apparently Tolos didn't drop brass knuckles - it was just his wallet and Orton was going to look after it until after the match. Cactus Jack is everywhere - except he's not here. Orton will stick to singles wrestling now.

Lou still wants you to call him to talk about celebrities. What celebrities does he know in 1991?

That's... it?

Thoughts:

• I remind you again - this show is NOT live. Whoever looked at that interview with Wet N' Wild and thought "Hell yeah, that's great television!" needs a serious high-five.
• It's close this week, but I'll give the win to WCW; the Desperadoes hunting Stan Hansen was hilarious. Either way, a fun week for someone that enjoys awful pro-wrestling segments.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 25

UWF Fury Hour Episode 25, 22nd April 1991

We open with a recap of the previous episode's ending, except this time there is no commentary and it actually makes the whole thing look a wild brawl. Herb is most upset about what happened to Don Muraco.

Don Muraco says he is all about getting involved.

Don't stick your nose Terry Gordy's business! He rambles and stutters for so long - including some sort of world tour where you can't stick your nose in his business - that they eventually fade out.

Tonight we will see Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy! Call me a pessimist, but I highly doubt that match is ending cleanly...

Craig and Bruno are here to talk more about the upcoming UWF Sportschannel TV Washing Machine Champion tournament. Bam Bam Bigelow is here tonight and Bruno thinks he is one of the favourites to win the tournament. Bam Bam the TV Champ has a certain ring to it. Craig keeps trying to start rumours that Bruno is entering the tournament himself. Stop trying to disappoint me! Herb doesn't listen, and instead runs down the shittiest list of wrestlers possible. Except for Bam Bam Bigelow, of course.

Captain Lou Albano cuts a stupid long promo for his hotline.

The Beach Brawl is coming!

Pretty sure it's just been 10 minutes of promos and shilling so far.

John Tolos calls Cactus Jack "Nuts". And that's what he wants in his "stable".

Chris Michaels vs Cactus Jack
Advertising tickets for Beach Brawl is more important than watching this match, apparently. And by "apparently" I mean it absolutely is because I'm pretty sure they aren't selling any. Cactus Jack does a leap to the "hard cement floor".

Winner = Cactus Jack via countout

Michael Keaton playing a tough cop, while Sylvester Stallone is doing a silly comedy? 1991 was backwards world!

Why, yes - I would pay $2 to talk to Bruno Sammartino. About anything. Even the UWF.
Especially about the UWF.

The Power Twins vs S.D. Jones (w/Mr. Haiti) & Johnny B. Good
One of the twins gets into it with Herb ringside. Bruno thinks maybe Herb didn't buy a ticket.

John Tolos joins the commentary team YAY! He thinks everyone else should retire. TV is for "beautiful people" so Bruno and Craig should be maybe allowed to do radio instead. Johnny B. Good is such a pro he can barely get in the ring. Holy moly he may actually be the worst-looking wrestler I have ever seen - and I've watched 24 episodes of the UWF! The Director agrees and plugs Beach Brawl tickets instead of showing the match.

Winners = The Power Twins via double duplex and elbow combo

S.D. Jones did absolutely nothing while his partner got destroyed. Great comeback, Jones! He gets on the mic but there is no possible way anyone watching this could understand anything and the commentators don't even bother to repeat it. Oh wait - looks like he's calling The Power Twins back to the ring to fight him alone. Where was this fighting spirit when your tag-team partner was getting embarrassed? Mr. Haiti offers to be Jones' partner and "Lenny The Matchmaker" makes it official... but The Power Twins just bail.

The shit sound system was one thing, but having Bruno and Craig talk over the whole time when even they didn't know what was happening did not help.

'Mr. Wonderful' reminds you to drink that thick rich milkshake.

Captain Lou's Corner
S.D. Jones is back. He and Albano just talk over each other while saying nothing, except that they like each other a hell of a lot more than I like either of them.

Jeebus now we get another promo for Albano's "rapline". I promise you, half of this show has just been people shilling shit.

THE BEACH BRAWL! Now with added seagull and waves sound effects for more beach!

Bam Bam Bigelow vs Afa 'The Wild Samoan' (w/Samu)
Bigelow beats up both Samoans while the commentators talk about New York.

Winner = Bam Bam Bigelow via disqualification

People try to throw Paul Orndorff around so he has to stay buffed to make sure it doesn't happen.

The UWF wrestlers are serious about training at The Power Shack.

"Tell your cable operator you want to see The Beach Brawl!" so they can laugh at you?

The Cheetah Kid vs The Beast
Battle of the jungle? Craig and Bruno spend half the match wondering if The Beast is hiding an international object, then he uses one and they still can't figure it out. The Cheetah Kid is a combo of aerial moves at turtle speed.

Winner = The Cheetah Kid via top rope senton or something that just kind didn't really look all that great

Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy
Muraco gets the upper hand... so 'Dr. Death' comes out and attacks him.

Winner = Don Muraco via disqualification

Beat down of Muraco to end the show.

Thoughts:

• I was pretty over the ads about 10 minutes in. Then they just kept going. 
• There may have been some wrestling on the show... but looking at these results, I don't think it was worthwhile.
• While I prepare this for posting, I'm listening to this. Incredibly fitting.