Jim Kelly June Jamboree: The Tattoo Connection (1978)

THE MOVIE

We open in some sort of shipping yard, where a dude is challenging a gang. This dude is called Lee Tung Hao and he wants someone in the gang called Fat Dog to come with him, but I think the leader of the gang says Fat Dog belongs to him and they have to fight. Of course, Tung Hao wins and the gang leader is all 'Hey you are great! Fat Dog is all yours!'. Fat Dog stole money from their gang boss, Mr. Lu, and Tung Hao wants him to come back - promising him he will make sure no one kills him. It is here I will point out that this is a Hong Kong film from 1978, so all the dialogue is hilariously overdubbed with silly British accents and there are more camera zooms than can jokes I can make.

Tung Hao takes Fat Dog back to Mr. Lu's gang... and then exiles him. Makes sense.

Cue funky music!

So Mr. Lu's gang rob some dude of some diamonds. The insurance company send in an ex-CIA agent to to investigate; it's my main man Jim Kelly!

He at least has been overdubbed with an American accent and quickly gets on the trail, interviewing his buddy George - who was the guy robbed of the diamonds - and some guys that were involved in the robbery. But at every turn, Lu's gang is just one step ahead of him. Or at least... on top of him? On moving cars?

Meanwhile, Tung Hao has given the diamond to his Uncle to cut up so they can move it and make millions of dollars. Uncle predicts bad things will come from this. But he'll still cut it for money, because he's not totally stupid. His workshop is on a boat? That seems less than stable to be cutting precious stones. He also seem less than stable on the whole process:

Lucas is back on the trail - now he is investigating a tattoo found on a dead body.

He goes to a tattoo parlour and the dude tries to pretend he wasn't involved, but Lucas ain't no fool! He sends Lucas to talk to Nana, a dancer at Mr. Lu's club. And Tung Hao's secret girlfriend. She pretty much wants nothing to do with Lucas because she's racist or something. He whoops Lu's men so Tung Hao gets involved - but of course the police come before they can determine a winner. Fat dog was watching the whole thing and decides he'll help Lucas figure things out. Of course, Mr. Lu figures out Fat Dog is helping so kills him.

Lucas is getting suspicious of everyone. Tung Hao is getting fed up with Mr. Lu. Mr. Lu is being Mr. Lu, and tries to get Nana to seduce Lucas and kill him with sex. Lucas seems kinda keen on this idea, which is really odd; last time they interacted she was basically repulsed by him, but now she's all over him and getting naked in his hotel room - and he's not suspicious of that?!? Anyways, before she can give him death by snu-snu, Tung Hao busts in and takes Nana home. This, of course, makes Mr. Lu mad because now Lucas is still alive AND his top henchman has been keeping his affair secret. AND the old man on the wobbly boat still hasn't cut the diamond. I mean, you left him on a fucking boat and gave him girls to play Mahjong with - you only have yourself to blame, Lu. And has it been a week already? I mean, surely Lucas could have investigated the tattoo parlours and caught up with Nana in about a day - what else has he been doing with his time? Anyways, Mr. Lu is fed up with the old man, Tung Hao and Lucas, and sets about trying to kill them all - but I'm sure you can figure out how that works out for him.

Death by not snu-snu.

Lucas heads back to America and Tung Hao heads off to prison, though the Hong Kong police think he might be out in time for Christmas so he can spend the holidays with Lucas. Now that is a sequel I could get behind...

REACTION

Pretty much your typical 1978 Hong Kong martial arts film - which suited me quite fine, for the most part. The overdubbed voices did sound particularly silly in this one, though; I'm not quite sure who made the decision to have a big burly Chinese man sound like a cockney pirate teenager from the 13th Century, but I respect their artistic vision. I would be somewhat interested to view the movie again with the original language track, but would be quite surprised if that still existed. Can you believe this was originally promoted in Western countries as Black Belt Jones 2? I mean, Hot Potato was technically that, and it actually made less sense as the sequel.

JIM KELLY

It was a jarring hearing someone else's voice for him in this film... but, realistically, that was probably the least of the problems here. For the most part, Lucas just fumbled his investigation and got into fights. And looked cool doing it.

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Golden Needles (1974)

THE MOVIE
"In China, during the Sung Dynasty, a single golden statue was cast for the use of the Emperor. It indicated 7 forbidden acupuncture points. Used in correct sequence, they brought about extraordinary sexual vigour and youth. Used incorrectly they brought instant and painful death. Stolen, hidden, lost and rediscovered through the centuries, the statue has come to be known as The Golden Needles of Ecstasy."

And thus our film begins...
Some old dude has this statue in his possession, and contrary to the opening monologue, doesn't seem to be using it for sex, but instead it seems to be giving him strength. Where he was once feeble and confined to a wheelchair, he can now walk and move his hands like a mostly normal person. Good for him! Some dudes disagree, and raid the place with motherfucking flamethrowers! Holy shit that feels overkill. They burn everyone and everything to ground and steal the statue.

The next day, some lady is wanting to buy the statue from the bad dudes - who seem to run a legitimate business, like all good bad dudes should. But they've decided she isn't paying enough, and... her neck isn't colourful enough?

So instead, she decides to use the money she was going to pay them to hire someone to steal it for her. She's introduced to Dan, a loser American living his best (worst?) life in Hong Kong. He agrees to do it for $30,000 and sex. What? So he steals the statue and gives it to his friend to ship to America for her, while he gets his 'payment'. Yuck. Of course, the bad guys know him - he's a goofy white dude in Hong Kong in 1974 and is a known fixture in the gambling parlours and shit. His plan sucked. Anyways, bad guys kill his business partner and tell him he has to get the statue back, so he follows the lady to America. And who is waiting for him at the airport? Why, of course - it's my main man Jim Kelly!

Jeff (Jim Kelly) is Dan's friend and another antiques expert or something. They go to Dan's hotel and his lady from Hong Kong is in his bathtub having a bubble bath. It's here I realise I have no fucking clue what is going on or what dimension this movie is in. Once she gets dressed, they go visit her boss - the guy she was supposed to be buying the statue for. It's Burgess Meredith! And he's completely fucking off his rocker! He gave her $300,000 to buy the statue and he still doesn't have it, so he tells the three of them they have 24 hours to bring it to him or he'll disintegrate them. Also the bad dude that she tried to buy the statue from is... in the dining room? Oh, he and Burgess Meredith are in cahoots. So he knows she ripped him off - because she was going to pay this dude $100,000 and keep the rest for herself. And also doesn't make a lot of sense. 

Anyways, they find the statue and get it to him in time... except it turns out to be a fake, and subsequently kills his bodyguard for trying the needles first. That's why being a gentlemen and letting others go before you is smart. So, Dan has to head back to Hong Kong (sans Jeff - maybe they didn't have the budget to pay for Jim Kelly's flights?) and ends up running across Hong Kong being chased by... well, half of Hong Kong. Which is pretty remarkable, considering this dude is clearly not in the best physical shape. Other than round.

Dan kills the bad Asian dude, some Government agents take the statue, and Dan and his lady crook live happily ever after. Until Burgess Meredith finds out about all this, I guess...

REACTION

This was one gonzo ride! This was the third Robert Clouse film I've watched this week (he also directed Enter the Dragon and Black Belt Jones). Shit got crazier each movie. None of this was nearly as crazy as the other Robert Clouse movie I've seen (Game of Death), but this was pretty close. It just seemed to flitter between serious noir and B-grade nonsense, while the actors continued to play it straight. Except for Burgess Meredith, who just used his 15 minutes to go off the chain! However, I just don't get the stuff between Dan and the lady; like, she ripped him off, and her boss, and is directly responsible for Dan's mentor in Hong Kong being murdered and Dan and Jeff being caught up in all this. Yet he's smitten with her for the entire movie. Again; her boss gave her $300,000 to buy the statue. The evil Asian dude offered it to her for $250,000. That's still $50,000 profit for her. AND a lot of people would still be alive. Selfish bitch.

JIM KELLY

I actually quite enjoyed him as the foil to the all-round 'meh' that was the main character. And he got in some fun karate fighting when given the opportunity (which wasn't nearly enough); when they found the statue, it was in some fancy health club - which led to a wacky karate fight with bad guys throughout the club. If there was a room in this building, Jim Kelly was going to whoop a bad guy in there and be told to get out by some old white guy!

And then Jim Kelly's character just... disappears. I can only assume Burgess Meredith hired him to be his new bodyguard/best friend and they started their own antiques store together.

A somewhat fun and bizarre adventure that is as baffling as it is annoying. I do recommend... someone ups Robert Clouse's medication before he makes a movie with the worst Bruce Lee photoshop jobs in cinema history.

Too late!

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Enter The Dragon (1973)

THE MOVIE

Some Government agency (it is never specified who or where) ask Mr. Lee (Bruce Lee) to take part in a martial arts tournament to spy on the tournament's organiser, Han - a former member of said agency that went rogue and now lives on his own island, where they believe he is involved in all sorts of illegal operations. Lee isn't interested, until he discovers that Han's henchmen are responsible for the death of his sister. I mean, she did actually kill herself, but Han's henchmen were either going to beat or kill her themselves, so it's still fair to blame them. 

On the island, Lee meets some of the participants in the tournament. Well, actually only two of them; Roper and Williams.

They're old friends from Vietnam, and both completely different; Roper is a con artist or gambling addict that is running away from gambling debts or something and always likes to say "Wanna bet?" - even when it makes no sense - while Williams is my main man Jim Kelly, who hates ghettos and the man keeping bruthas down!

Anyways, Lee has no time for funny business, so he whoops butt in the tournament

and then whoops Han's rather inept security guards.

Han gets pissed off and throws the whole tournament format out the window, which leads to an all-out brawl between the participants of the tournament and Han's henchmen, and then Han's slaves join the party to help defeat Han's henchmen as well.

The workers be uprising! It's a revolution! Han really loses it now, and is forced into a battle to the death against Lee.

REACTION
Yeah, it's Enter The Dragon. Y'all should know this. It is the quintessential martial arts movie, complete with awesome tropes like 'rogue agency officer', 'martial arts tournament on a random island' and 'seeking revenge for a sibling'. It made Bruce Lee immortal. I'm not the biggest fan of Bruce Lee, but even I will admit that I always enjoy watching this movie. 

JIM KELLY

This movie also made a star of Jim Kelly; he had some great lines, showed some serious charisma, and is probably my favourite part of the movie. When we are first introduced to Williams, we see him being harassed by the police in America - so he is forced to defend himself, and thus he has fled to take to part in this tournament.

Then he starts the tournament by giving a douchebag bully from New Zealand a serious beatdown.

So to recap; he whooped the dirtbag cops and then whooped a dirtbag Australian pretending to be a dirtbag New Zealander. Bah gawd Williams may be the greatest character in cinema history! Before the tournament begins, Han offers Williams some of his 'women' and Williams apologises to the ladies that he is only taking 4 of them because he is tired from the long journey. Classy man! And when confronted by Han about who is beating up his henchmen and infiltrating his criminal organisation, Williams does not snitch on Lee to save himself - again, he is a man of true honor! Come to think of it, there is a recurring theme for the struggles Williams faces; he is harassed by the pigs for no reason, and then gets accused of infiltrating Han's organisation for no reason. Why the man always trying to keep a brutha down, huh??

Of course, being Jim Kelly, he defeats Han and saves the world. Totally. Yup yup that is totally what happened...

I could sit here all day just making gifs from this movie - which is probably why I'm five movies into the Jamboree, but only now completing my second review.

It goes without saying that this film is highly recommended.

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Melinda (1972)

THE MOVIE

We open with the funkiest of instrumentals, while a dude drives the coolest looking Corvette in 1972.

We're off to a great start!

Then, we find ourselves in a community centre or something where my man Jim Kelly is training locals in the art of Karate. He decides to demonstrate his superior skills by whooping the dude that was driving the Corvette.

After embarrassing him, my man Jim Kelly tells this dude (Frankie J. Parker - our actual main character) that he needs to talk to the owner of the centre about giving him a break on the rent, because they are there to help people and fight against drugs. 

Jim Kelly is the man.

Anyways, Parker is a DJ. And a ladies man. And supremely full of himself.

He goes to a bar and picks up a woman named Melinda, and takes her to a party on a boat being held by his dear friend, Tank. Tank made lots of money in the NFL. And if this wasn't a 1972 blaxploitation film, I would swear Tank is actually in love with his friend Frankie; I know that wasn't the intention, but the way he is portrayed just screamed secret crush. Especially with lines about how all his gifts to Frankie "are from the heart".

Plus he totally gets in the way when Frankie is trying to mack on Melinda - even interrupting by introducing Frankie's ex-girlfriend! 

So after telling Frankie that she absolutely will not be having sex with him, Melinda of course has sex with Frankie and they fall madly in love. We see them going on dates and telling each other how much they love each other, so I assume they are now in the midst of a serious relationship. Turns out, it has only been two days! I'd say something like 'maybe the sex was really good', but they showed it. It was weird.

Frankie comes home from the radio station on the second day of this whirlwind romance, only to find his beloved Melinda has been murdered. His arrival is promptly followed by the police, who quickly assume he is the murderer and arrest him. Now, I'm not Batman (I'm LOGMAN), but I would think the fact Frankie just arrived, has no blood on his clothing, and there is likely nothing in the room to say he did it would have me considering it may have been someone else. But that's why they are the police. Realising the man is never going to believe him, Frankie sets out to find the real murderer. But of course, it is not simple. He has to fight off some junkie whore and some trusted allies, until he is finally able to come face to face with the man responsible. And then beat the crap out of him and his cronies, with the help of Jim Kelly and the other karate students.

REACTION

Is my write up here boring? Because this movie was... kinda boring. And dumb. Frankie J. Parker was completely unlikeable - just an arrogant douche that just expected everyone to worship him. The biggest failing for me, was that the movie didn't seem to know what tone it wanted to portray; the whole thing seemed to take itself way too seriously, but also featured some bizarre silly gags, like every time Tank was getting sexytimes with a lady he would be interrupted by Frankie, or at the start where the guy following Melinda sat outside Frankie's door listening to them have sex - and he was so turned on by it, he had an orgasm in the hallway. At one point, it felt like a serious version of Dolemite!

And did I mention how unlikeable our main character was? And to add further nonsense to it all, when we are first introduced to his ex-girlfriend, she is portrayed as being obsessed with him and he chews her out for not being worthy of his love. But then about halfway through the movie, she turns into his biggest ally and they are madly in love again. Which again, is only like a day or two removed from his latest girlfriend being murdered. Dude just moves quickly, I guess...

JIM KELLY
Well, like I said - he ran a community centre, taught Karate, and beat up a lot of bad guys to help the main character. I originally thought this was done after Enter The Dragon, due to that movie billing him as "Introducing", but here he was only billed in a very minor way amongst a million other names - which had me concerned that the opening scene was all I was going to see of him. Had ETD been released first, I am certain he would have received some type of co-headlining credit. Or maybe they would have redone the whole movie to make him the star? I don't know. What I do know is Jim Kelly beating up drug pushers and telling Parker how jive he was, was the highlight of the movie and I am glad he appeared more than I actually thought he would. The two hours were literally bookended by Jim Kelly displaying Karate supremacy. And that made it worthwhile, I guess.

I would recommend watching the first few minutes and then skipping to the end for the karate fight.

Jim Kelly June Jamboree

Jim Kelly was cool.

After becoming a world champion in Karate, Mr. Jim Kelly would go on to star in many action movies throughout the 1970s, where he would whoop the bad guys and charm the ladies, while showing off his impressive martial arts skills and rocking an iconic afro. He inspired African-Americans to take up martial arts, his image became iconic and his influence can still be seen today in pop culture. He also supported community causes. AND was a professional tennis player!

Jim Kelly was cool.

Now, I will admit that I have not actually seen a great deal of his movies. But I do have a t-shirt with his image displayed on the front, which I wear with pride. And the films that I have seen, I've enjoyed immensely. African-American badass karate expert that fights against the man? Count me in. Four times a week, in fact. Because this month, to commemorate the 10th anniversary of his passing, I will be watching four Jim Kelly movies each week. And bLogging about it. Maybe. Because I haven't done any sort of movie reviews for quite some time, and I think it might be fun. Well, it will be for me. So it's time to throw on my Jim Kelly t-shirt, make a hot chocolate, and pay tribute to the coolest karate cat of the 70s.

Because Jim Kelly was cool.