Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Black Samurai (1976)

THE MOVIE

We are back in Hong Kong, where some ugly dudes are following a girl while she shops. Turns out she's a rude bitch.

The girl is some government dude's daughter and these ugly guys are going to kidnap her? Are we playing 'Let's Try That Again'?!? And what's with the seductive music while she gets kidnapped? Before I can answer, the opening credits are here with an awesome theme and all sorts of epilepsy.

It's my main man - Jim Kelly! And he's giving some lady a whooping... in tennis.

The Man turns up and says he needs to get back to work and go after a bad dude called Agustus Janicott, "a high priest of the occult" who uses his slaves as drug runners and prostitutes. Jim Kelly is Robert Sand, an agent for an organisation called D.R.A.G.O.N. - and he doesn't appreciate The Man interrupting his vacation, so no matter what they say about this dude, he is not interested. Until they explain that he is behind the kidnapping we saw earlier. And the girl kidnapped isn't just a government dude's daughter - she is Sand's secret girlfriend, Toki! Of course, he is now on the case!

Sand flies to wherever this is all going down and is immediately under attack from the bad guys; they attack him in his car and they attack him while at home doing some training.

But of course Sand just whoops their butts and then crashes Janicott's party. Well, he had an invite from somewhere, but he proceeds to hit on Janicott's main girl in the most hilariously arrogant and uninterested way that I'm sure he won't be welcome for long.

You can tell Janicott is a real high-roller, because his parties feature a 20-piece Mexican band, a drugged up white girl dancing badly, and... a buzzard. Janicott invited Sand as some sort of trap, so throws his whole party out of the window by starting a rumble with him. What a shitty host. Sand walks along rooftops and whoops all of Janicott's men - including stomping some dude's balls and calling him "Whitey fa***t!".

Pretty sure that's a hate crime there, Sand. 

Then he beats up more dudes, and a couple of midgets, before making his escape. Janicott expresses his disappointment with his top henchman/black gay pirate, Bones, who just responds with "That's okay".

Janicott feeds an old white dude to his snakes to make an example of him. I mean, I would think that sort of thing would make Sand happy? Maybe the black gay pirate, too? Anyways, Sand goes on the hunt for his beloved Toki; first to one of Janicott's businesses (where he gets in another rumble), and then to one of his associates' house - via a fucking jet pack!

There, he fights with some jungle men and is forced to kill another midget. Dude is just committing hate crimes all over the place. Turns out Toki is actually at Janicott's house, so it's back there to stop her being sacrificed for one of his black magic rituals or something. Sand must defeat the gay pirate Bones and then finally put a stop to Janicott and his evil ways, so that he and Toki can live happily ever after!

REACTION

Now this is a Jim Kelly movie! It is quite a low-budget affair, and certainly doesn't have the charm or comedic fun that you find in something like Black Belt Jones, but this more of hard-nosed action movie with no nonsense and violence. Lots of violence. And okay, there is nonsense. Like fighting midgets and dudes dressed in loincloths. One of the more entertaining features of the film is all the hilarious ADR that gets thrown in all the time; someone might be walking the street and suddenly they will be saying something - but clearly not talking. It's especially fun during the fight scenes where they've added Jim Kelly just insulting people while he fights them. During his last fight with Bones, they both talk smack constantly in ADR - but only when the shot is of the other person, i.e. you'll have a close-up of Bones, while Jim Kelly is taunting him "Hit me - come on hit me! You are going down!"

JIM KELLY
My man was just absolutely ruthless as Robert Sand. It felt like all he cared about was himself and Toki, and he showed absoltely zero mercy to anyone in his way. Even midgets. And it was nice to see him not bowing to The Man again. Also (spoiler alert), the way he finished off Janicott was pretty darn cold. And he flew a fucking jet pack! After Hot Potato, this was exactly what was needed. Oh and I almost forgot! He defeated a fucking buzzard!

I need to watch again and figure out what D.R.A.G.O.N. stands for. Highly recommended you don't mess with Robert Sand!

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Golden Needles (1974)

THE MOVIE
"In China, during the Sung Dynasty, a single golden statue was cast for the use of the Emperor. It indicated 7 forbidden acupuncture points. Used in correct sequence, they brought about extraordinary sexual vigour and youth. Used incorrectly they brought instant and painful death. Stolen, hidden, lost and rediscovered through the centuries, the statue has come to be known as The Golden Needles of Ecstasy."

And thus our film begins...
Some old dude has this statue in his possession, and contrary to the opening monologue, doesn't seem to be using it for sex, but instead it seems to be giving him strength. Where he was once feeble and confined to a wheelchair, he can now walk and move his hands like a mostly normal person. Good for him! Some dudes disagree, and raid the place with motherfucking flamethrowers! Holy shit that feels overkill. They burn everyone and everything to ground and steal the statue.

The next day, some lady is wanting to buy the statue from the bad dudes - who seem to run a legitimate business, like all good bad dudes should. But they've decided she isn't paying enough, and... her neck isn't colourful enough?

So instead, she decides to use the money she was going to pay them to hire someone to steal it for her. She's introduced to Dan, a loser American living his best (worst?) life in Hong Kong. He agrees to do it for $30,000 and sex. What? So he steals the statue and gives it to his friend to ship to America for her, while he gets his 'payment'. Yuck. Of course, the bad guys know him - he's a goofy white dude in Hong Kong in 1974 and is a known fixture in the gambling parlours and shit. His plan sucked. Anyways, bad guys kill his business partner and tell him he has to get the statue back, so he follows the lady to America. And who is waiting for him at the airport? Why, of course - it's my main man Jim Kelly!

Jeff (Jim Kelly) is Dan's friend and another antiques expert or something. They go to Dan's hotel and his lady from Hong Kong is in his bathtub having a bubble bath. It's here I realise I have no fucking clue what is going on or what dimension this movie is in. Once she gets dressed, they go visit her boss - the guy she was supposed to be buying the statue for. It's Burgess Meredith! And he's completely fucking off his rocker! He gave her $300,000 to buy the statue and he still doesn't have it, so he tells the three of them they have 24 hours to bring it to him or he'll disintegrate them. Also the bad dude that she tried to buy the statue from is... in the dining room? Oh, he and Burgess Meredith are in cahoots. So he knows she ripped him off - because she was going to pay this dude $100,000 and keep the rest for herself. And also doesn't make a lot of sense. 

Anyways, they find the statue and get it to him in time... except it turns out to be a fake, and subsequently kills his bodyguard for trying the needles first. That's why being a gentlemen and letting others go before you is smart. So, Dan has to head back to Hong Kong (sans Jeff - maybe they didn't have the budget to pay for Jim Kelly's flights?) and ends up running across Hong Kong being chased by... well, half of Hong Kong. Which is pretty remarkable, considering this dude is clearly not in the best physical shape. Other than round.

Dan kills the bad Asian dude, some Government agents take the statue, and Dan and his lady crook live happily ever after. Until Burgess Meredith finds out about all this, I guess...

REACTION

This was one gonzo ride! This was the third Robert Clouse film I've watched this week (he also directed Enter the Dragon and Black Belt Jones). Shit got crazier each movie. None of this was nearly as crazy as the other Robert Clouse movie I've seen (Game of Death), but this was pretty close. It just seemed to flitter between serious noir and B-grade nonsense, while the actors continued to play it straight. Except for Burgess Meredith, who just used his 15 minutes to go off the chain! However, I just don't get the stuff between Dan and the lady; like, she ripped him off, and her boss, and is directly responsible for Dan's mentor in Hong Kong being murdered and Dan and Jeff being caught up in all this. Yet he's smitten with her for the entire movie. Again; her boss gave her $300,000 to buy the statue. The evil Asian dude offered it to her for $250,000. That's still $50,000 profit for her. AND a lot of people would still be alive. Selfish bitch.

JIM KELLY

I actually quite enjoyed him as the foil to the all-round 'meh' that was the main character. And he got in some fun karate fighting when given the opportunity (which wasn't nearly enough); when they found the statue, it was in some fancy health club - which led to a wacky karate fight with bad guys throughout the club. If there was a room in this building, Jim Kelly was going to whoop a bad guy in there and be told to get out by some old white guy!

And then Jim Kelly's character just... disappears. I can only assume Burgess Meredith hired him to be his new bodyguard/best friend and they started their own antiques store together.

A somewhat fun and bizarre adventure that is as baffling as it is annoying. I do recommend... someone ups Robert Clouse's medication before he makes a movie with the worst Bruce Lee photoshop jobs in cinema history.

Too late!