WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXVIII, Night One

2 April 2022

AT&T Stadium
Dallas, Texas - USA

Attendance: 65,719

Commentators: Michael Cole, Pat McAfee, Jimmy Smith, Corey Graves & Byron Saxton

My thoughts before this viewing:
I'm back again! It's Easter Sunday - the day of the resurrection! Which is appropriate, because my bLogging of WrestleMania feels a lot like a zombie just scouring the Earth looking for something that might be interesting. And I have no brain for doing this.

Anyway, what's in store for me today? Ronda Rousey returns! Cody Rhodes possibly returning, too! And Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns for the 100th time, except this time it's to unify the two world titles. I'm actually interested! What I'm not interested in is the sheer length of this nonsense; I've actually finally caved and will be skipping the pre-shows from now on. I mean, I don't bLog about them and they are a colossal waste of time anyways, but if WWE want to make them TWO FUCKING HOURS LONG and then have WrestleMania go for another FOUR hours, and then multiply that over TWO FUCKING NIGHTS... yeah, Fuck y'all. Also, the pre-shows are usually so terrible, contain no actual matches and are just filled with annoying people that it immediately makes me hate WrestleMania before it even begins!

On that note...

NIGHT ONE

America the Beautiful
Bradley Gilbert is awful. The dudes singing harmony are even worse. This is like hard rock country wannabe? Or country hard rock wannabe? Either way, I wannabe dead.
2/10

Opening Video Package
Mark Wahlberg tells the wrestlers to "catch some greatness". Oh no, I misunderstood - his plea was for "WrestleMania Saturday" to catch the greatness. Because the wrestlers don't matter. You know, they could actually use this opening video to hype some of the matches instead of just pretending WrestleMania is the greatest invention in the history of history.
3/10

"Stupendous" is the word of the night, apparently. They claim there are over 70,000 people in attendance, which is probably a lie. And not even that great of a lie, when you consider they had over 100,000 people last time they were in this stadium. Y'all should just lie big and claim 200,000 people.

The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are going to open the show? Skipping the pre-show isn't going to help much. Fuck this show.

Rick Boogs plays guitar. Pat McAffee parties on the commentary table. 

Stupendous.
Hey, Boogs - your guitar needs tuning. Badly. There is a recap from an earlier episode of Smackdown, where Boogs pretended to be injured to... get a title shot? Plays out of tune guitars, screams in falsetto, pretends to be injured - Boogs might actually be the best thing in WWE today!

Smackdown Tag-Team Championship
Shinsuke Nakamura & Rick Boogs (w/out of tune guitar) vs Jimmy & Jey Uso (c)
Oh, what a shock - the Uso's are the tag-team champions at WrestleMania! McAfee can't be bothered with the Uso first names, so I immediately like this guy. He says stupendous another 10 times, so he immediately lost that goodwill. Cole has absolutely nothing to talk about, so he just lists all the championships Nakamura has won... then does it all over again a couple of minutes later. Then tells us Lesnar vs Reigns is "the biggest main event in WrestleMania history". Clearly, Michael Cole is invested in this match. Boogs does some weird suplex where he drops to a knee and goes back up. Why? Oh, now he's really injured?

Winners = Jimmy & Jey Uso via pinfall following the old Dudley Boys' finisher because they are that void of anything interesting.
6/10

Michael Cole says something about Texas being Metroplex. I must have missed that part in The Transformers: The Movie.

Video Package
Baron Corbin used to be sad, because he lost all his money. He couldn't get in the arena to wrestle for WWE. How does being poor mean you no longer get security clearance for your job? Do the wrestlers have to pay to enter? Actually, that wouldn't surprise me... He was prepared to quit wrestling, but then he won millions of dollars at the casino - so now he is very happy. And used his winnings to buy a best friend? Holy shit - this is actually hilarious! The new happy friends beat up Drew McIntyre at some WWE show and stole his sword. McIntyre went from winning the championship at WrestleMania, to losing the championship at WrestleMania, to fighting BARON CORBIN in one of the opening/meaningless matches.
8/10

Drew McIntyre (w/sword that I guess he stole back?) vs 'Happy' Corbin (w/Madcap Moss)
Moss won the Andre the Giant Battle Royal, which I guess has been permanently moved to the Smackdown before WrestleMania, justifying my decision to drop the pre-shows from my viewing experience. Because seriously, what is the point of a TWO FUCKING HOUR pre-show if there are no matches? Corbin is winning, so of course that means he gets into an argument with Moss, which leads to McIntyre turning things around. McIntyre does his big dive over the top rope - mind your wang!!! Corbin gets a two count and is very NOT happy hur hur hur.

Winner = Drew McIntyre via pinfall following a claymore kick.
6/10

Corbin will be even less happy now.

Moss tries to get in the ring, but McIntyre chops the ropes with his sword and there are some explosion noises. Then he visits the commentary table and Pat McAfee is on his phone hahaha.

Some dude talked shit to his girlfriend about Sheamus in private, but she totally sold him out and now he's offering Sheamus a Snickers. I guess this is better than previous years...

WrestleMania t-shirts are discounted more than last year. Uglier, too.

Video Package
Rey Mysterio teaming with his son, Dominik, is a dream come true. The Miz needed a new tag-team partner, because John Morrison got fired yet again. So he chose the only person possibly more unlikeable than himself in Logan Paul. This is easily the worst tag-team in the history of history.
4/10

And to think, I was actually enjoying this show...

Rey & Dominik Mysterio (not his real surname) vs The Miz & Logan Paul
Rey is repping the Mexico flag and Dominik is flying the colours of the USA... because he hates his heritage? Corey Graves just turned up on commentary because I needed all my least favourite people in one place. Logan Paul does some punches and high jumps, and Graves actually compares him to The British Bulldog. Oh, fuck you very much! How did Jimmy Smith go from calling MMA with Bellator and the UFC, to selling this nonsense? Logan Paul pulls off Eddie Guerrero's signature moves because WWE can't stop milking the man's career. Apparently The Miz tagged himself in when Logan Paul was in the middle of the ring?

Not a legal tag

Winners = The Miz & Logan Paul via fuck off.
3/10

The Miz attacks Logan Paul to thunderous applause. I guess these two must now feud. They can do it all year, for all I care - I won't see any of it!

Stephanie McMahon comes out to greet the crowd because she thinks she is her Dad. I mean, she does surely suck as well. She introduces some American dude that will be a future WWE "superstar". I care more about this ad for Young Rock, and I gave up on that after episode 3.

Video Package
Bianca Belair won the Raw Women's Championship at WrestleMania last year, and it was a big deal. Such a big deal, that WWE had her lose the title 4 months later to Becky Lynch in like 20 seconds. WWE sure know how to book stars! Belair gave Lynch a haircut. And that's how she earned her rematch? She comes across like a really sore loser.
5/10

Raw Women's Championship
Bianca Belair vs Becky Lynch (c)
So what Lynch's name now? Big Time Becks? And her gimmick is thinking she's Walmart Lady GaGa?

The champion gets to stand in the ring while Belair has a marching band perform her entrance.

Honestly, the commentators really need to try shutting up for a couple of minutes during these big entrances - it would help them across as something special. Belair offers a handshake, but Lynch is like 'fuck you' and almost pins her in 10 seconds hahaha. Really, what they should have done was have Belair get revenge by pinning Lynch in 10 seconds - it would have been a great story. Instead, they have Lynch just beat the shit out of Belair for like 10 minutes. What kind of crazy person does a 450 splash from the middle turnbuckle? Lynch botches her finisher or something, but the commentators just pretend it was some innovative version of a dropkick. Sure thing, guys.

Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following DVD/KOD thing
5/10

New Champion!

There is some new series on the WWE Network/Peacock/Torrenting sites about bad guys in wrestling - but only talking to modern pro-wrestlers, like they know anything about being proper bad guys in pro-wrestling.

Video Package
Seth Rollins couldn't get a match at WrestleMania. Old POS Vince is like 'I'll give you a match, but your opponent will be a surprise!'. It's going to be Cody Rhodes, so it will only be a surprise if Seth Rollins managed to stay off the internet for a couple of months. He's a twitter addict, so I'm guessing not likely. And why would this be so important to him? He already earns megabucks - regardless of performing at WrestleMania or not - and it's not like this will be for a title or anything.
2/10

(Not Really a) Surprise Wrestler Cody Rhodes vs Seth Rollins
Rollins is introduced by a glee club or something. And he's actually being billed as "Seth 'Freakin' Rollins"? Whoa, baby, that is dumb. The surprise wrestler should have been Vince McMahon himself - I would have laughed a lot. But, shockingly, it is Cody Rhodes. What actually is a surprise is that he's still using his AEW theme song. AND still has that gawdawful neck tattoo.

Cole: "No one at AT&T Stadium can believe it!" - is that why the crowd were chanting his name before his music hit? 
Cole: "Rhodes has been competing at the highest level his entire career recently."

What?

AND THEN the commentators start acting like he's been retired for the last six years instead of wrestling all over the world and helping start the second biggest pro-wrestling promotion in the USA. Guys, it's not like he was in the UWF. Or fucking TNA. How did Rhodes not get disqualified for kicking Rollins in the balls? And how is Rollins totally okay? Rhodes hits his finisher but only gets a 2-count and the commentators absolutely bury the man for not getting the win HAHAHAHA. Rollins hits the Pedigree and I actually thought that might be the end, because I could imagine winning with The H Bomb's finisher would help HHH feel like he won the match vicariously. Holy shit Rhodes is just covered in welts and bruises. He imitates his Dad, sans polka dots this time, and it's honestly the feelgood spot of the night.

Winner = Cody Rhodes via pinfall following THREE crossroads
8/10

That was good shit.

2022 Hall of Fame
The Steiner Brothers were inducted? They should have been the headliners. Especially when they were inducted alongside other such illustrious pro-wrestling legends as... Booker T's wife. Yeah, okay there was also Vader. And The Undertaker. You know, it's actually funny how that dude spent like 30 years protecting his character and the last couple of years have exposed why - because he's actually a complete douchebag.

Pat McAfee is actually some sort of NFL player? But he always dreamed of becoming a pro-wrestler and has even been training for a few years. So tomorrow night he will make his pro-wrestling debut at WrestleMania Sunday.

We're... we're really calling them WrestleMania Saturday and Sunday now?

Michael Cole informs us Rick Boogs tore his knee and will require surgery. What a WrestleMania moment he'll never forget!

Video Package
Charlotte Flair thinks she's tougher than Ronda Rousey, because WWE wrestlers and their fans forget this shit has scripted winners. "My legacy is bigger than yours" is really the argument you want to make to hype a match? Rousey guarantees to make Flair tap-out. It's Charlotte Flair, so I guarantee that will never happen.
4/10

Smackdown Women's Championship
Ronda Rousey vs Charlotte Flair (c)
No Joan Jett? Or caring from the crowd? Ronda with some back and forth to start. The crowd seem kinda split. And rather dead. I don't know if it's because she looks like her Dad, but Flair seriously looks and moves like she's about 50 years-old. We finally get some drama as they exchange bad submission holds. Flair goes for the figure-four. Rousey reverses it and tries for an armbar. Flair reverses that and goes for another figure-four, then turns it into the figure-eight. Now they're trading bad near-falls - they should have stuck to bad submissions. Of course we get a referee bump, so Flair taps out and no one sees it (except for the crowd and the people watching at home and the other referees). You're using a referee that is legit close friends with Ric Flair to the point he even imitated him for a time in WCW and was his sidekick called "Lil' Natche" who helped Ric Flair win matches. I can't imagine a reputable commission would allow such a conflict.

Winner = Charlotte Flair via pinfall like you were expecting anything else?
3/10

Bahahaha welcome back, Ronda Rousey! WWE gonna WWE, I guess.

Bobby Lashley tells us WWE is where he was always meant to be. Except for those years he wrestled for other companies after quitting WWE because of racism?

Pitbull provided tonight's theme song. Do people actually listen to Pitbull when he makes music without Enrique Iglesias?

There will be matches tomorrow night on "WrestleMania Sunday", including another 4-way women's tag-team match. Faaaark I might just delete my whole hard drive now.

Video Package
The worst Metallica music video you will ever see.
2/10

Next year, WrestleMania will be in Hollywood. Will it be WrestleMania Monday as well?

Video Package
Kevin Owens Mac hates Texas. So he's the good guy, right?? He called out 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin because he stole Austin's finishing move? Austin is like 'All I gotta do is turn up, talk nonsense for half an hour and hit you with a Stunner? Fuck yeah - pay me!'. Why are they playing Kid Rock here? He's not from Texas. But he sure does suck as much as Texas.
5/10

Main Event
The KO Show featuring 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
Our main event is actually going to be talking segment? And it's actually going to last 40 minutes?? Kevin Owens Mac just makes jokes about Texas until Austin comes out. What they should have done was just have Owens Mac talk shit to the crowd for like 15 minutes and then have Austin come out, hit a stunner and drink beer. Instead they sit down to talk... Owens Mac says he wants to pour a beer on Austin. Guess this dude never watched Steve Austin drink beer, because he happily does that himself. Why are the crowd chanting "What?" at Austin? WWE fans truly are the worst. Owens Mac explains why he hates Texas and you can't argue with him - in fact, I'd suggest he could have said much worse. He tells Austin he doesn't just want to talk - he wants to fight! Well, I guess that would explain why you're both wearing your wrestling gear... Owens Mac says Austin is embarrassing himself, but I don't know - I would think challenging a 60 year-old man who retired 20 years ago to a fight is pretty fucking embarrassing. Austin says he had his very first match in Dallas, Texas, so he might as well have his very last match in Dallas, Texas. Nostalgia is a hell of a drug...

No Holds Barred
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin vs Kevin Owens
This is a stupid idea. They trade right hands and then Austin SLOWLY stomps Owens Mac. He takes a beer and then SLOWLY stomps him some more. He knocks back (i.e. spills all over himself) beer #2. He's already old and slow - not sure how being drunk will improve things? Owens Mac actually gets in some offense, but it doesn't involve anything like making Austin actually take a wrestling move. Owens Mac pulls out a table; WWE laws mean he will be the one going through that. They brawl in the crowd and OH FUCK ME Owens Mac just suplexed Austin on the floor. Colour me fucking surprised; Austin is 60 and has had multiple neck surgeries - he shouldn't be doing this shit. Austin gets beers #3 to #5. Owens Mac tries to steal Austin's ATV. Pretty sure that would get you killed in Texas. So Austin throws Owens Mac on said ATV and takes him for a drive up the ramp. That would be considered drunk and dangerous driving anywhere else in the world. Beers #6 & #7. Corey Graves plugs Austin's beer label for him. It can't be that great, because Austin keeps spitting it everywhere. Owens Mac hits a Stunner. Austin kicks out. Owens Mac swings a chair and it bounces off the ropes back into his own face. Austin with the Stunner.

Winner = 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin via pinfall following Stone Cold Stunner
7/10

Fuck it - it was a stupid idea, but I'll be damned if it wasn't entertaining.

Austin gets more beers and now I've lost count. Owens Mac gets up aaaaand gets another Stunner. I can't belive Owens Mac got to live out CM Punk's dream - pretty fucking spiteful of WWE, but this is the company that officially fired him on his wedding day, so WWE gotta WWE. Also, hell of a reason to make a dude re-sign with your company. No wonder Cody Rhodes came back. Maybe he'll get to avenge someone that betrayed his Father in WWE history... like... Sapphire?

Of course, Byron Saxton - proving WWE employees have never watched a WWE show in their lives - gets in the ring, hoping to share a beer with Steve Austin. Which means he also gets a Stunner. And bounces and flops around the ring like an electrocuted eel. Steve Austin's brother gets in the ring to share a beer with Austin aaaaaand... he doesn't get a Stunner. They drink/spill beer together and that's it for now!

WrestleMania XXXVIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Cody Rhodes vs Seth Rollins
   I thought it had great action and the crowd reaction to Cody's return was pretty awesome. Also, it felt like a bit of a WWE vs AEW match.
2. Worst Match
   Ronda Rousey vs Charlotte Flair
   I mean it wasn't terrible, but it was pretty boring and then that ending was hilariously typical WWE...
3. Highlight of the Show
   Maybe Cody's return?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Everything Logan Paul.
5. Star of the Show
   Steve Austin. That may have been the biggest pop I have heard in pro-wrestling in like 20 years.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Were there any? Does Ronda Rousey still count?
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Logan Paul, duh. Sure, his wrestling was fine, but fuck that guy.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Wraps featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, red onion, olives and corn fritters, topped with burger sauce. Honey mustard may have actually suited more. Decided to try some raspberry PepsiMax with the first day...
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Which is nice because I do not wish to ruin my Easter pyjamas.
10. Overall Score
    This was a pretty good show! There were some highs and some lows, but nothing overly awful. I was able to embrace the hilarious part of the hilariously bad, and that really helped. The booking is just WWE personified; The Uso's and Charlotte Flair retained their titles over people the crowd love and an old retired guy beat a younger guy in the main event. but I guess that's their problem. They can book the worst shows ever and still make a billion dollars sending their failure of a network to Peacock AND steal back a wrestler who helped start their biggest rival promotion. Fuck it!
    6 out of 10

WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXVII, Night One

10 April 2021
Raymond James Stadium
Tampa, Florida - USA

Attendance: 17,946

Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Samoa Joe & Byron Saxton

My thoughts before this viewing:
Oh yeah we are back at it! It's Good Friday, which makes it Bad Friday again! I am trying to keep this as an Easter tradition, because Good Friday means all the shops are closed and it's cold - so what else am I going to do? Enjoy my day? Forget that silliness! Especially because this shit is just getting longer and longer each year. But last year, WrestleMania got delayed by a couple of weeks and ended up taking place the week after Easter, which completely fudged my plan - once again, Vince McMahon trying his best to make things difficult for me. But, joke's on him! This year, I'll watch last year's WrestleMania today and then this year's WrestleMania on Easter Sunday. Two days - two WrestleManias! So joke's on... me?!?

I'm not too sure what we have in store tonight; I watched the Royal Rumble last year, and from that I recall both Edge and Bianca Belair will be receiving title shots. Against who, I'm not that sure. I also assume Roman Reigns will be in the main event like always. And a bunch of old dudes that will actually get the crowd to cheer in ways the current "superstars" can't. 

NIGHT ONE

They've saved all the pirate decorations from last year - glad those record profits aren't actually going back into the product. Vince McMahon decides to open the show with some rousing speech about welcoming back the fans or some shit. Fuck him and fuck them and fuck you, WWE.

America the Beautiful

Bebe who? And some other girl on guitar that didn't warrant an introduction? The guitar playing isn't bad. The singing is. This song is still the worst. And what in the fuck happened at the end?

3/10

Opening Video Package

I don't recall Mankind jumping off a cage at WrestleMania? Oh my gawd - they're even repeating the whole Captain Jack Sparrow nonsense from last year's opening video package. Though I do enjoy every year we hear the "Once in a lifetime!" tagline from The Rock/Cena which was actually twice in a lifetime. This shit gets dumber every year and I'm dumb for watching.

2/10

There is some sort of weather delay? What, lightning might strike and blow up the arena? Well then, LET'S GET THIS SHOW STARTED!

Backstage Interview
Sarah Not Kayla is with Shane McMahon and he is looking worse than ever - and he hasn't even started wrestling! He thinks Braun Strowman is stupid and it's fun to make fun of him. Sarah tells him to pick on someone his own size - so someone smaller?

MVP and Bobby Lashley interrupt to say "this is The All Mighty Era!" or something? Drew McIntyre takes issue with this. He then takes over the interview time to tell us he's all about keeping his emotions together. Ummm coming out before your match to act like a crazy man towards the guy you'll be having a match against is a clear sign you do not have your emotions under control.
2/10

Now we have to talk to the Pre-Show Panel? I already had to sit through an hour of these morons and there is only so much of this Peter Shillburger I can take.

Backstage Interview
Some British Nerd is with New Day's Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston. Kofi is looking old and his chest is collapsing. He isn't sure AJ Styles and Omos are a registered tag-team. What?? Woods talks about New Day being small, but I'm pretty sure AJ Styles may actually be smaller than them. Big E comes in and gives a rousing sermon.
4/10

Michael Cole calls this "WrestleRainia" and it sounds like Samoa Joe used all the restraint in the world to not punch him in the mouth.

Backstage Interview
Sarah talks to Braun Strowman, who claims he is standing up for all the people in the world who have been bullied. This dude is like 6'9" and 300 pounds. He isn't getting bullied by anyone. His vision of winning the match sounds an awful lot like murder - Shane should probably call the cops.
3/10

Back to the Pre-Show Panel. Peter Peter Shill-O-Meter tells us how amazing Vince McMahon is and I'm going to puke. On him.

Backstage Interview
British Nerd wants to interview Kevin Owens Mac, but Kevin Owens Mac is like 'Dude, you're too lame - give me the microphone'. He gives some sort of history of his friendship with Sami Zayn and oh my fucking gawd we are doing yet another 'Kevin Owens was best friends with Wrestler X and now they are enemies and must fight at WrestleMania' story. He also threatens Logan Paul. Just because? Or is Logan Paul going to be at WrestleMania to complete the suckitude?
5/10

Michael Cole and Samoa Joe are being rained on. Joe should drown Cole.

Backstage Interview
Bianca Belair tells Sarah she is nervous because she cares. Sarah tells her she is "making HERstory".
4/10

Backstage Interview
British Nerdburger interviews Seth Rollins who apparently gets his name wrong, but I'm hardly going to fault him for that given what I'm calling him. But at least I now know his name isn't Mike. Rollins laughs a lot and can't pronounce Cesaro properly. This guy actually used to be enjoyable, you know.
2/10

Sarah is joined by The Miz and John Morrison. Tonight they'll be facing Damian Priest and Bad Bunny. Maybe this rain delay could last forever? The Miz: "The fun & games are over!". He's never been more right; I'm watching The Miz at WrestleRainia and there is no fun to be had at all.
-2/10

Video Package
Drew McIntyre was WWE Champion, but somehow Bobby Lashley became champion by helping The Miz become champion? McIntyre thinks Lashley is afraid to fight him. He could have just not agreed to this match if he didn't want to do it... It is now "The All Mighty Era."
6/10

Titus O'Neil and Hulk Hogan are our hosts, so I'm guessing we are finally ready to get started. And Titus is here to help rehabilitate our racist American hero. O'Neil welcomes the crowd, while Hogan just stands there looking old, throwing out the occasional "brother".

Opening Match
WWE Championship
Drew McIntyre vs Bobby Lashley (c) (w/MVP)
All this CGI stuff around the ring is sooooo bad!

Lashley gets lightning for his introduction? Did the production team mistake him for The Undertaker? They're having a kinda fun big-man match - except for when McIntyre decides to do some silly fake Jiu-Jitsu. So Lashley just pounds on him and it is fun! Big dudes should just fight like this!
Lots of back and forth with big moves. Drew kinda fucks up a superplex so they just beat on each other on top of the turnbuckle. McIntyre puts Lashley in a Kimura and Cole makes some reference to McIntyre and Brock Lesnar and I have no idea what he's on about, because I saw that match and it was legit only two different big moves. And neither of them were a Kimura. McIntyre taunts Lashley with a "Bring it, Bitch!" and then Lashley beats the snot out of him HAHAHA. McIntyre spams the shittiest looking DDT I've ever seen, then dives over the top rope. They run a slow-mo replay and it shows his wang clipping the top rope as he went over hee hee.

It's 2021 and giving the Full Nelson a new name doesn't make it any less lame than it was 50 years ago.

Winner = Bobby Lashley via Hurt Lock/Full Nelson
6/10

Drew McIntyre squashed Brock Lesnar last WrestleMania when no one was around to care. The minute they get fans back in the building, and he just gets smoked. WrestleMania moments!

The Super Old NWO are backstage with Titus O'Neil and Bayley. And nothing happens.

Undertaker NFT's are a great way of separating the normal people from the criminally stupid.

Tag-Team Turmoil Match
Match #1
Lana & Naomi vs Billie Kay & Carmella
Lana & Naomi do some raving or some shit before the match.

It's stupid and so are they. Oh great, the idea of this match wasn't bad enough, so they have to add Corey Graves on commentary. He's actually married to Carmella, so he likely insists on calling her matches. I insist on calling her garbage and annoying. Why the fuck is this match actually on WrestleMania? I know they fired a lot of wrestlers due to "budget cuts" but surely they have better wrestlers who could have wrestled instead? Lana is about as talented as my man Death Row 3260.

Winners = Billie Kay & Carmella via some cheating pin nonsense.

At least that was quick?

Match #2
The Riott Squad vs Billie Kay & Carmella
I want to like The Riott Squad, but bah gawd do I hate Billie Kay & Carmella. They both just fill the arena with high-pitched yelling.

Winners = The Riott Squad via doubleteam.

OK now I do like The Riott Squad!

Match #3
The Riott Squad vs Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke

BAHAHAHAHA that may be my favourite "WrestleMania Moment" tonight!

Winners = The Riott Squad via rollup pin.

The ring announcer declares The Riott Squad have been eliminated, then after a minute of confusion, announces they actually won, because no one in this company can actually be good at their jobs.

Match #4
The Riott Squad vs Natalya & Tamina

Wow, Natalya is still here? And still so average?? She hits the slowest Hart Attack ever, I can only assume Bret would give it a 2 out of 10.

Winners = Natalya & Tamina via shitty superfly splash from Tamina
1/10

So tomorrow, Natalya & Tamina will receive a title-shot at the women's tag-team champions, Shayna Baszler & Nia Jax. Gawdam, I thought this match was bad enough!

WWE Shop. WrestleMania specials. Fuck you.

WWE Superstars want you to get vaccinated. Except for QAnon followers like Nia Jax that think the vaccine is a form of mind control designed by Bill Gates. Fun fact: they also think The Rock eats human babies. As his cousin, I wonder how she reconciles that type of nonsense in her lizard-brain.

There is a story about the 24/7 title and some guy called Average Joe. It's an advertisement for Old Spice? I genuinely have no idea.

Cesaro vs Seth Rollins
Rollins plays some type of political hit-piece about Cesaro being no good? So he's Veep, now?
Rollins hits a superplex and rolls through to another suplex. Cesaro spams uppercuts in creative ways. The story of this match is Cesaro want to give Rollins the Giant Swing, even though he already hit Rollins with it a couple of days ago and got like 23 revolutions. It was probably only 16, because no one ever counts it properly. Cesaro gets the Giant Swing for only 6 or 7 swings, and then follows up with a Sharpshooter. I'm a fair man, so I'll be honest and say it was not so well done. Rollins hits a corkscrew splash. He's no Hector Garza, but I'll give him points for trying something different. Reversals, reversals, reversals. How is it strikes to the back of the head are illegal in all forms of combat sport, but totally fine in pro-wrestling - where you aren't even allowed to use a closed fist? Cesaro gets funky!

He hits the Giant Swing again and everyone counts way too fast; they say it's 24 revolutions, but I'm pretty sure it was only 14.

Winner = Cesaro via pin following Neutraliser.
8/10

The Andre the Giant Battle Royal was on Smackdown, instead of the WrestleMania Pre-Show like previous years. That match sure lost esteem VERY quickly.

Backstage Interview
Kayla is with Dolph Ziggler and Robert Roode. Ziggler references the gold of the tag-team title belts that he is holding, except the belts are actually silver you fucking moron.
2/10

Raw Tag-Team Championship
New Day (c) vs AJ Styles & Omos

Big E introduces New Day. They're 11-time tag-team champions now? Holy shit, they're just throwing around belts like pancakes these days. Omos isn't even dressed to wrestle. New Day demand Styles start the match because they are cowards. Kofi Kingston hits a move on Styles, which means New Day have a party and mock Styles. Then they double-team him FOREVER and talk endless shit. Umm they're the good guys here?? Omos is bored. Styles goes for the tag and Woods begs him not to do it. Seriously. Woods kicks Omos, who just totally no sells it and tells him he hits like a bitch. But then he just does jack shit himself. Dude is 7'3" - he should just be throwing these fools around the ring for 5 minutes. Styles leaps off Omos to hit a forearm.

Winners = AJ Styles & Omos via Omos pinning Kofi Kingston with one foot.
3/10

New Champions!

That was possibly the worst planning I have ever seen in a match. I get you don't want Omos in there because he's not very good. At all. But having the good guys double-team and mock the smaller bad guy for eternity is just dumb. And then Omos barely did shit when he got in, so even that part wasn't exciting.

Baron Corbin is dressed for the Tour de France, so he needs a Snickers.

WWE2K22. When I type that, it just looks like some kid's username on some shitty forum where I am making fun of him for liking dumb things.

Tonight's "Official WrestleMania Theme Song" is provided by The Weeknd. I don't know what it is called. It is more boring than my bLog.

Video Package
Braun Strowman is sad because Shane McMahon thinks he is stupid. Shane even dumped green slime on him. How cruel! They were booked for a match, but Shane got injured in training. Because he's fucking old? If Shane is scared to fight this guy, why did he accept a match at WrestleMania and then say it could be any match Strowman wanted?
4/10

Steel Cage Match
Braun Strowman vs Shane McMahon
Jerry 'The King' Lawler joins the commentary team, because this is match will likely be awful and they want to distract the viewer by having someone say awful things for total non-entertainment enjoyment. Elias and some other dude attack Strowman before he enters the cage. I'm happy for Elias to finally have a friend! Commentators say "Shane has great hands" and think they must mean he does hand modelling or something, because his punches are awful. He pulls a piece off the top of the cage - budget cuts are hitting the cages now? Byron Saxton seems to be over this show already and starts promoting Night Two as being "more exciting". Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler is making the worst old-man jokes it is like I'm listening to Captain Lou Albano. There is a toolbox conveniently placed at the top of the cage, so of course Shane hits Strowman with it. Which of course means he could win, but instead chooses to do something stupid and end up back in the ring. Strowman breaks the cage some more. So why have a cage if you're just going to break it? He gives Shane an armdrag or something off the top of the cage and is all "Who's stupid now?!?" and I'm thinking "You are, because you could just walk down and win but instead chose to get back in the ring".

Winner = Braun Strowman via pinfall following a powerslam.
2/10

Bayley is here to annoy the commentators. She's now appeared more than the "official" hosts.

Hall of Fame 2020
They couldn't have a ceremony for the Class of 2020, so they will get their moment tonight. This featured a bunch of people that have nothing to do with WWE, like Japanese star Jushin "Thunder" Liger - who has never wrestled for WWE - and William Shatner?? They show a clip of him with Bret Hart, so now his induction makes sense. Oh, the NWO were the 'headline' act. There were like 500 members of that group, so they only inducted Hulk Hogan and H-Bomb Cockface's friends.

'Stone Cold' Steve Austin is excited about WrestleMania next year (this year?) because it's in Texas. Ever notice how WrestleMania is often in the most backwards parts of America?

Booker T joins commentary. Why? Oh that's right - it must be time for Bad Bunny to have his match and Bad Bunny wrote that song about Booker T that was super fucking awful.

A large group of people in rabbit costumes run down to the ring. It's Easter! Time for an Easter Egg Hunt! Or time for The Miz and John Morrison to come out and lip sync to some shitty song they wrote about Bad Bunny. The Commentators pretend it is good. The people in rabbit costumes have filled the ring and are jumping around.

Fuck-a.

My-a.

Life-a.

Video Package
We are shown all the success Bad Bunny has had in his career. I legit hadn't heard of him until he appeared in WWE, but apparently he is super popular. His music seems fucking terrible, that's for sure. He's also got "2023" written on a t-shirt he wears under a bulletproof vest like he thinks he fucking Death Row 3260. These four men have issues because... hahah oh come on now - we all know I have ZERO fucks to give about that.
3/10

The Miz & John Morrison had to stand in the ring and wait while that video package aired. They really need someone with a functional brain to put these shows together.

Damian Priest & Bad Bunny vs The Miz & John Morrison
Bad Bunny enters riding on top of a truck like he's Batman. Or Becky Lynch? The crowd sure seem to love him. The crowd also seems to love WWE and WrestleMania, so fuck them. Bad Bunny is so small he makes The Miz look, well, not so small. Bad Bunny beats up The Miz a lot. Then, The Miz turns it around and I immediately lose interest.
Booker T: "You guys don't know Bad Bunny the way that I know him". Let's keep it that way.
Holy shit Bad Bunny just hit a destroyer?!!?

Don't get me wrong - Morrison is very athletic and did all the real work here, but damned if it didn't look good

Winners = Damian Priest & Bad Bunny via pinfall following a splash from Bad Bunny.
3/10

Bad Bunny wasn't that bad at all! The Miz, however, continues to be a vacuum of enjoyment.

You can fight hard to achieve your dreams and win a WWE Championship belt... or just buy one from WWE Shop.

Promo for WrestleMania Night Two. Why are people paying Logan Paul to do anything except fuck off and die?

Video Package
Bianca Belair won the Royal Rumble. She calls herself "The EST". Sasha Banks calls herself "The Best". I call her overrated and fucking annoying. Wait, now Banks is some sort of pioneer? She broke down barriers for blue-haired children?
3/10

Main Event
Smackdown Women's Championship
Bianca Belair vs Sasha Banks (c)
Belair is legit crying before the match even starts. I might, too; I'm out of Pepsi. Bianca Belair is strong.

This match is at its best when Belair is doing fun power moves. It's at its worst when Banks is in control. Belair does some crazy long suplex and as soon as they hit the mat, the referee starts counting them down. Haha Banks uses Belair's long braid to tie up her arm. Belair gets a two count and has the most hilarious meltdown.

Graves: "Bianca nailed the 450 splash!". No she didn't - your feet aren't supposed to hit the floor first. Belair slaps Banks with her braid and WWE edit in some type of gunshot sound BAHAHAHA.

Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following a Death Valley Driver that they seem to be calling the Kiss of Death or KOD. Look, I'm just following what Michael Cole said, though after listening to Craig in the UWF, I should know better than to trust these goofs.
6/10

New Champion!

Fireworks and good night!

WrestleMania XXXVII - Night One: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Cesaro vs Seth Rollins
   They are good wrestlers and their powers combined to make a good match.
2. Worst Match
   Lana & Naomi vs Carmella & Billie Kay
   I would say the whole women's tag-team turmoil match, but I will specifically call this match out as the absolute shit burger with cheese. If this had been a UWF show, even Bruno would have been burying these four women.
   Shout-out to the person that laid out the New Day/AJ Styles & Omos match.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Mandy Rose falling on the entrance? Bret Hart with William Shatner?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   People in bunny costumes partying in the ring to The Miz & John Morrison's "hit song".
5. Star of the Show
   Bad Bunny. I may not know who he is, but he is certainly very popular. AND he didn't look too bad in the match.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Bad Bunny.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   The Pete dude on the pre-show panel. Not a celebrity by any stretch, but bah gawd he needs a kick in the balls.
8. Tonight's Meal
   I've hit this early, because motherfucking WWE decided to move to two nights. So I had two flavours today; first a breakfast wrap, featuring scrambled eggs, avocado, baby spinach and honey mustard. Then my second wrap featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, spring onion and corn fritters, topped with honey mustard again. Simple and effective. PepsiMax kept me alive. I need more if I want to survive another 4 hours of this...
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Which is handy, because I'm wearing a nice hoodie that has no wrestling connection whatsoever.
10. Overall Score
    This was an okay show. The opening match was fun, the Cesaro/Rollins match was great, and the main event wasn't bad. The rest was burning garbage with zero heat, or just total vibe killing slow nonsense. As always, the "hosts" did zero hosting. Why do they bother with that every year?? But at least once things got going after the weather delay, they didn't waste a lot of time, so the show didn't drag like some years.
    5 out of 10