UWF Fury Hour: Episode 19

UWF Fury Hour Episode 19, 4th March 1991

Craig and Bruno hype a new tag team called The Power Twins. Tonight, we will also finally see an end to the feud between B. Brian Blair and 'Cowboy' Bob Orton. Sure...

Herb has returned to the intro to keep me happy. He yells that 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray & Sunny Beach are now teaming up and their tag-team will be called "Wet N' Wild".

'Dr. Death' is still waiting for your calls.

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs Carmine Albano

'Dr. Death' suffers a bit of a cut above his eyebrow, which makes him mad and seek revenge on the poor nephew of Captain Lou. 'Dr. Death' beats Albano up on the concrete carpet and Bruno says he's not giving his best.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via his running turnbuckle slam thing

The Power Twins are here and they want to fight people that can tie shoes and put on pants.

Bruno Sammartino now has his own hotline or something.

Ask The Wrestlers

'Wild Thing' just says "Beep beep beep" a whole bunch of times. Way to answer the question. I'm sure you totally made that kid's day.

Wet N' Wild vs The Power Twins (w/Rick Golden)

Rick Golden is like a small Ramone or something.

He punches Sunny Beach and runs away. Apparently there is someone in the crowd that writes "a very informative newsletter" that has been covering the UWF. Are they talking about me and my bLog?

Winners = Wet N' Wild via disqualification I'm guessing but no one ever actually gave us a result

Herb asks Wet N' Wild what brought them together as a team and they have absolutely no answer. These two are just the best good guys...

Captain Lou Albano also now has his own hotline. UWF just handing out hotlines now??

Captain Lou's Corner

Cactus Jack is sick of Albano making jokes about him. What a shock; Albano says he respects Jack's skills but not the way he does things and then says he can't even talk to him.

Hard to believe that after 19 episodes this fucking segment is actually more pointless than ever.

The Gulf War has ended! But you should still buy the UWF Support the Troops t-shirt or you're not a real American!

B. Brian Blair (w/Captain Lou Albano) vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)

This is announced as "The war to settle it all!". So this is the UWF's version of Hulk Hogan vs 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper? It seems the headbutt has caused Honey permanent damage and she can no longer appear with B. Brian Blair, so Albano is taking over as Blair's manager. Yay. Bruno: "So far it's been a good wrestling match." No, it's been fucking boring. Orton piledrives Blair on the concrete carpet and... WTF?!?

Winner = B. Brian Blair via disqualification?

Not such a war - more a bag of shit. And it settled nothing, other than UWF booking is bullshit.

Craig: "B. Brian Blair will walk out of this one the champion". Oh fuck off. The referee claims Orton used an international object, despite that clearly not being the case.

Thoughts:

• Have I said "fuck this show" recently? Because fuck this show.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 18

UWF Fury Hour Episode 18, 25th February 1991

Craig and Bruno run down... the main event. And wonder how Sunny Beach will fare against 'Cowboy' Bob Orton. Apparently Cactus Jack and Don Muraco had a match on sometime earlier? I totally have no recollection of that at all. Frank E the ring announcer is now giving us the most fucking boring run down of the wrestlers.

'Wild Thing' yells to "Call The Powerline!"

Steve 'Wild Thing' Ray vs Carmine Albano
'Wild Thing' comes out with a big American flag and now he has drawings of women on his wrestling tights. Albano is Captain Lou's nephew. Yay nepotism! Bruno is bored!

Winner = Steve 'Wild Thing' Ray via top rope move

Holy shit that dude looks super uncomfortable on the top rope.

Herb interviews 'Wild Thing' and thinks the booing means people love him. 'Wild Thing' also thinks the fans are great because they paid actual money to be here. I think that means they are stupid.

Don Muraco supports the troops fighting in Iraq.

I feel like the quality of this broadcast is on the downward trend, somehow...

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs The Beast
Craig thinks The Beast looks like The Viking. You watch your mouth, you heathen!

"People are still talking about that match with 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams". If they are, it's because that ending was bullshit.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

Herb asks Orndorff "is it difficult wrestling these kinds of wrestlers?". What do you mean "these kinds"? Terrible?? Orndorff is looking forward to the lumberjack match.

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams says he wants to fight Orndorff anywhere.

Captain Lou's Corner
Don Muraco is discussing "other wrestling organisations" capitalising on the whole 'support the troops' thing. Just like the UWF? Oh, they're referencing the WWF have Sgt. Slaughter becoming an Iraqi sympathiser. Muraco and Albano love America and wars.

Sunny Beach vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton
After some boredom, 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray comes out to attack Orton.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via disqualification

Cactus Jack comes out to help Orton, but the good guys still prevail. That's... actually amazing.

Herb talks to John Tolos about his "stable". It now includes Cactus Jack? Is this the largest his "stable" has been yet? Herb tries to book a tag-team match between all these guys and it just leads to more brawling.

The UWF will be running a tournament from next month. I am sure the best wrestlers of the world will be taking part!

The UWF are still selling t-shirts for 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey and Nikita Koloff, despite them both being in WCW yesterday.

Don Muraco vs Cactus Jack
Muraco puts a rubbish bin over Cactus Jack's head. I would not want to wrestle someone after that - you could catch all sorts of germs!

Draw via time limit expired

'Dr. Death' wants you to call him!

Aaaaand that is it.

Thoughts:

• At yesterday's WCW WrestleWar, Nikita Koloff returned to WCW and said he's been retired for the last 2 years. I think that sums up the UWF right now.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 17

UWF Fury Hour Episode 17, 11th February 1991

Tonight! We will see a bunch of matches we were supposed to see earlier - including the ending of that anticipated Mr. Wonderful/Dr. Death match they couldn't be bothered playing in full. But this week might be better because THE VIKING is here!

David Sammartino vs Louie Spicolli
Bruno claims David is unhappy with Larry Zybysko lying about retiring Bruno. He also questions David's strategy during the match and decides his son needs to put on a bit more weight.

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-4 leglock, which is why he worked on Spicolli's fucking arm for the whole match... 

Ivan Koloff vs Riki Ataki
Craig thinks Ataki may be a force to be reckoned with. He at least does get in a few moves today... but then Ivan does what Ivan does.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via Million Dollar Dream?

It's not easy being 'Mr. Wonderful'.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
We actually pick up where we left off last time and I have no idea what was happening then. Someone is bleeding and Craig and Bruno argue over who it is. It's so odd to wait so long to air the rest of the match - especially with this fucking finish.

Draw via double disqualification

All the jobbers come out to try and separate them.

Captain Lou's Corner
Captain Lou Albano knows about water! And here comes Sunny Beach. Why is a total redneck doing a surfer gimmick? Albano believes he is proof the UWF are bringing in the best of the best. I believe he is proof this is shit.

'Iceman' King Parsons vs Jobbery Jobjob
Herb informs us 'Mr. Wonderful' and 'Dr. Death' have signed the contract for a lumberjack match when the UWF returns to New York. Oh wow! Another match you'll make a total mess of. Colonel DeBeers is back and so is his eye patch? Bruno wants to see 'Iceman's reaction - Bruno wants some drama!

Winner = 'Iceman' King Parson via punch. Seriously.

And nothing happened with DeBeers... so that was pointless.

And then in one swift bumper, Herb Abrams shows me why he is the greatest promoter of all time:

'Mr. Wonderful' ain't no wimp!

THE VIKING vs The Intern
The Viking smashes a fan's seat with his hammer.

The Intern actually gets in a few moves - he even has The Viking wobbled! Da fuq?!? So The Viking slams him.

Winner = The Viking via powerslam

Bruno thinks that is the end of his internship. Hahahaha.

Ask The Wrestlers

Bruno puts over the wrestlers of his generation because he hasn't wrestled the UWF roster. And he's realistic.

'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Barry O
Not even Herb or Craig have anything interesting to say about this match. And neither do I.

Draw via time limit expired

Thoughts:

• Fuck this show.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 16

UWF Fury Hour Episode 16, 28th January 1991

We open with a recap of the 'Mr. Wonderful'/'Dr. Death' feud. 'Dr. Death' warns of a bloodbath about twenty times. Herb calls their upcoming match "the match of the year". Bold statement to make in the first month of the year. And when their last match was awful.

Craig and Bruno are expecting a war! They're also talking about B. Brian Blair and 'Cowboy' Bob Orton. I'm actually surprised that isn't the main event for next week - I thought they would want to space out all this excitement. Oh and tonight we get the debut of a guy called 'Sunny Beach'. I can't wait...

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Louie Spicolli
'Wild Thing' gets in the ring and then spots some drunk girls, so he leaves the ring to give them hugs.

Spicolli gets out of the ring and 'Wild Thing' starts counting him out? I'd wonder why he thinks he is the referee, but the referee for this match is super old and slow.

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via flying crossbody

I think 'Wild Thing' actually got in like 3 offensive moves.

David Sammartino runs down Ivan Koloff's accomplishments... like beating his Dad.

David Sammartino vs Ivan Koloff
Bruno talks a lot about David needing a different strategy against someone the calibre of Koloff. Koloff tries to do the chain on the turnbuckle trick to David, but David reverses it and Koloff hits the turnbuckle & chain - that's a good strategy. Koloff tries the 'pin with his feet on the ropes' trick, but the referee actually sees it. They brawl outside on the concrete carpet. Koloff suplexes David back in the ring at the count of 10.

Winner = David Sammartino via countout

Bruno is just like 'What a shitty way to win for that kid'. 

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff doesn't want to be thrown around, so he blasts his arms!

'

The Golden Greek' John Tolos shilling the limousine will never be unenjoyable.

Sunny Beach vs Mike Williams

Craig: "He's surfing in the ring!"
Dude is wrestling in a wetsuit? He's the most redneck surfer I've ever seen. At least do a Michelangelo voice or something!

Winner = Sunny Beach via shitfest

'Cowboy' Bob Orton thinks he is going to end B. Brian Blair's career. John Tolos talks about a tarantula and an albino and "all those other guys". What??

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano asks why Honey is here with B. Brian Blair - because they are your fucking guests? Blair implies Orton isn't a real cowboy because he doesn't ride a horse in public. Albano says the bad guys slapped Honey. No they didn't - Orton headbutted her. Albano does his usual 'I'm going to talk and shout all the time and then tell you to go ahead, but when you try and talk I'll just shout over top of you'.

Ask The Wrestlers

Albano cuts a promo totally about this kid being a woman. Herb plays it off with "Captain Lou got so excited by your question he mistook your name for Andrea" and I'm absolutely fucking dying here! 

THIS SHIT AIN'T LIVE, PEOPLE

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff. Muscle Builder. Get real!

B. Brian Blair w/Honey & Capt. Lou Albano vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton w/John Tolos
Blair goes for a slam - don't worry, Craig calls it a suplex. Either way it fails and he falls over. Bruno wants to see this match without John Tolos getting involved. Bruno, you're the man and all, but Tolos hasn't actually done anything yet - so you are seeing that match now! Then to make me look like a jerk, Tolos starts interfering. But Honey and Albano are supposed to be there to stop that from happening, so really it's their fault. Orton ends up outside the ring on the concrete carpet and Honey threatens him with the stinger. Blair hits that 'modified Boston Crab figure-4 leglock' also known as him botching the Sharpshooter, so Tolos hits him with a chair. I like to think that's his way of saying "Learn to do this hold right!". Albano distracts the referee so Honey pokes Orton's butt with the stinger. Commentators are totally fine with all this. And Blair using an international object in his hand. But the referee isn't.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via disqualification

Hilariously, Blair was disqualified for hitting Tolos.

Call The Powerline and talk to... Colonel DeBeers??

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams brags about being a beach bully.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff thinks he made up the term 'rule breaker'.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
'Dr. Death' attacks before the bell, but Orndorff reverses - he is fired up! He beats up 'Dr. Death' on the concrete carpet. The dudes up the front are screaming for the piledriver. Instead, Orndorff hits him with an umbrella... and gets disqualified?? Are you for fucking real?? Orndorff continues to beat 'Dr. Death' because he is here for revenge, gawdammit. Wait did the bell ring by accident? Phew - that's a relief!

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER because Herb tells us we are out of time, so the rest of the match will be aired on the next episode in 2 weeks.

OH FUCK THE FUCK OFF.

Thoughts:

• Sunny Beach is hilariously terrible.
• 'Wild Thing' is a textbook example on how to not book a good guy.
• Orndorff/Dr. Death has been hyped since day fucking one and they just killed half the steam with the fake disqualification (even the commentators thought the match was over) and then not airing it properly.
• Kill this company now.
• In truth, I was having a great time with this episode and would have put it above WCW for the week. But that main event nonsense just put this in the dirt.
• 
  
  
  
  

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 14

UWF Fury Hour Episode 14, 14th January 1991

Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine has arrived at the UWF because it is the greatest pro-wrestling promotion and he wants to challenge the best! He will make his debut tonight - after endless episodes of everyone acting like he was already here.

TONIGHT! The UWF has finally arrived in New York! 

Bruno and Craig are excited to see a major star like Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine come to the UWF. We will also be treated to rematch of last week's incredible main event - 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff. 

Fuck you, New York!

Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine vs Sonny Blaze?
Valentine is being hyped as the biggest star in the ever or something.

Winner = Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine via figure-4 leglock

The crowd are hot for Valentine.

My man Herb gets on the mic with Valentine after the match. He wants to know why Valentine is here! Money? Drugs? Free parking? Valentine says he is the greatest and the UWF is also the greatest.

Andre the Giant is still challenging wrestlers in the UWF?

'Iceman' King Parsons vs Loser McLoserface
'Iceman' has new tights and shaved his head. Bruno is more interested in the "celebrities" in attendance... like... Nikolai Volkoff. 

Winner = 'Iceman' King Parsons via meh

I almost made a pun about the Iceman cooling off the crowd and thought better of it.

Don Muraco vs Chris Michaels
Is he the cousin of Shawn Michaels or something? He attacks before the bell and Muraco is just like 'What a little clown' and then completely obliterates the dude. Holy shit - 'Ravishing' Rick Rude is in the crowd! Gawdam Herb, if only you could have signed him instead of some of these other people. Bruno explains that this match hasn't ended yet because Muraco needs a decent workout.

Winner = Don Muraco via monster squash

This Michaels' selling is as comical as that other Michaels.

'Ravishing' Rick Rude tells Muraco he's sweaty. Muraco extends his fist for a bump but SIKE it was just a fake out. 

No wonder Rude didn't sign with the UWF...

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff shills some type of muscle powder because he doesn't eat "wimp food like cheeseburgers, french fries and quiche".

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano brings in Greg Valentine and brags about being his manager many years ago, which leads to lots of arguing about how Valentine cheats.

It's time for The Box Office so Herb can announce that Rumble in the Big Apple II is next month. Featuring spectacular matches like... Nikolai Volkoff vs Boris Zukhof. Don't rush to get tickets!

Talk to Bruno Sammartino on the UWF Powerline!

Ask The Wrestlers

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams does not appreciate your question.

B. Brian Blair w/Honey vs Mike Williams
Mike Williams has a nice sparkly robe.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via shitshooter

Herb tells Blair that 'Cowboy' Bob Orton is out drinking or something. Blair responds with... words? Something about New York being Paradise City, I think? 'Ravishing' Rick Rude is just like "What the fuck is wrong with this dude?"

'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos are backstage to prove Herb is liar. They say something about making a meal using Blair, so I take back my comment about Herb lying.

David Sammartino vs Louie Spicolli
We get a backstage promo from Spicolli about how "hot" his body is. Bruno is very confused about what Spicolli's intentions are towards David.

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-4 leglock

So does everyone in the UWF use the figure-4 now?

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is back to shill some type of arm bar weightlifting thing. John Tolos still has his limosine deal.

Killer Kowalski is now associated with the UWF. Poor guy.

Ivan Koloff has a brain, unlike Americans.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray thinks their upcoming match will determine the number one wrestler in the world. Bro...

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff
Ray goes looking for the ladies, but mostly finds dudes with moustaches. Koloff wonderfully tricks Ray into hitting the chain on the top turnbuckle.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via dastardly heel

Herb takes us through the replay and can't even mention that 'Wild Thing' also had his hand on the ropes - because why make the good guys look better? Instead he tells Steve Ray to go away and practice harder. Bahahaha.

NEXT WEEK: more matches from New York. Yippee.

Don Muraco sends us home with his parody of a pro-wrestling promo.

Thoughts:

• This was slightly better than WCW this week.
• This crowd was HAWT.
• Bah gawd I would have liked more Rick Rude on these shows, but hopefully this means he'll soon be appearing in WCW.