WrestleMania March Madness, Day Twenty-Three: WrestleMania XXIII

1 April 2007
Ford Field
Detroit, Michigan

Attendance: 80,103

Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry 'the King' Lawler, Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Joey Styles & Tazz

My thoughts before this viewing:
I have not seen this show before, so this will be my first viewing. Funny how that works. Hopefully I can care more than yesterday, though right now I am ready for sleep and in the mood to instead watch Knowing Me, Knowing You and recap that with pictures of Godzilla cuddling kittens. This is the internet - I'm pretty sure those pictures are out there. You can't hide your personal life from the internet, Godzilla!

Opening Video Package
They do a montage of all the different WrestleMania logos. That's kinda cool.
5/10

America the Beautiful
Jabba the Hutt is here to perform the song and he ate Aretha Franklin. And her hairdressers/backup singers from last time she was here. Because WWE believe in doing everything one way, there is a choir the size of a small town - even though they only sing four words.
10/10

Video Package
All the wrestlers have delusions and think they are the champion. Time to get that wellness policy in check, I think. Hey CM Punk is here!
6/10

Oh gawd - there are 3 brands now. Because 2 was working out so well...

And JBL is now a commentator? I'd like to die now please.

Opening Match
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Jeff Hardy vs CM Punk vs Finlay vs King Booker vs Mr. Kennedy vs Matt Hardy vs Randy Orton vs Edge
Jeff Hardy proves my point about the wellness policy when he comes out and start raving to his theme music.

Jim Ross says "a straight right hand never fails". He has obviously never seen a Hulk Hogan match. The commentators make lots of penis jokes in regards to the ladders, and then JBL says "Size does matter - just ask my ex-wife." So he's admitting he has a small dick? Speaking of balls, Jeff Hardy decides to break his and Edge's at the same time:

This match feels way more brutal than the previous ones. Way too many dudes getting bashed in the head with a ladder for no reason.
Winner = Mr. Kennedy via ladder stuff
6/10

To start WrestleMania weekend, they had the world premier for 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin's new movie. It looks dumb and you were all dumb for attending.


Backstage
Todd Grisham talks to Mr. Kennedy, who likes to yell.
4/10

Batista is all grown up.
That's the tag line for tonight. So that means we'll have to see crap like this all night.

Kane vs The Great Khali
Oh fuck.

A battle of the big shitty-shitty things.
Winner = The Great Khali via pinfall following big shitty-things
1/10

The divas are all grown up.
You are all also poor dressers.

Backstage
All the losers of this company and old people like Mae Young are doing bad comedy and I would like to kill them all. But I won't fail it entirely when it features Layla and her facial expressions are brilliant. But the hotness of Layla can only get you so far.
1/10

US Championship
Chris Benoit (c) vs MVP
Ironic moment; MVP's theme contained a line that said "You're gonna die soon".

You tried to defend this title last year, Benoit, and it didn't work out well. Maybe rename it the Canadian Championship and it might mean more to you. Or you could just lose your mind and go on a kill crazy rampage after this. Whatever suits you best.
Winner = Chris Benoit via pinfall following diving headbutt
7/10

JBL says "He's going into the Hall of Fame one day". Uh... no, he is not. Never.

Backstage
Alan Partridge Donald Trump is backstage with some young lady when Boogeyman shows up. Alan Donald gives almost as little shits as I do.
-1/10

Highlights from the Hall of Fame ceremony. Mr. Perfect went in and William Shatner was there. Dusty Rhodes' son said he was the greatest talker in the history of professional wrestling and he wasn't lying.

82% of the people believe Undertaker will beat Batista. So only 18% of WWE fans are under the age of 6 or have severe mental retardation.

Video Package
Undertaker won the Royal Rumble so gets a title shot. Remember when winning the Royal Rumble meant getting to be in the main event? Guess that only means something if you plan on challenging Triple H.
7/10

World Heavyweight Championship
Undertaker vs Batista (c)
I love how the commentators act like being undefeated at WrestleMania equates to some amazing win streak over the last 15 years. It's not like he doesn't lose almost every match outside of WrestleMania.
Winner = Undertaker via the usual
New Champion!
8/10

Bobby Lashley is all grown up. I call bull shit - he still sounds like he is yet to go through puberty.

Backstage
Vince McMahon says 'Hi' to Stephanie and her child. I say 'fuck you' to all 3 of them.
-1/10

ECW Match
ECW Originals vs The New Breed

Give me one reason to give a damn about this match. Ariel the vampire chick? I think those four words tell you everything you need to know.
Winners - ECW Originals (Rob Van Dam, Sandman, Tommy Dreamer & Sabu) via pinfall
3/10
Joey Styles is really annoying.

'Stone Cold' Steve Austin is all grown up just like WrestleMania and my patience. No wait, that's fed up.

Video Package
Apparently Hollywood is all a buzz about this next match. Bull. Shit.
1/10

Battle of the Billionaires
Bobby Lashley (w/Alan Partridge Donald Trump) vs Umaga (w/Vince McMahon)
Guest Referee: 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
There is barber's chair and no Brutus Beefcake - missed opportunity again!
Jim Ross says this is the first time the ECW champion has faced the Intercontinental champion at WrestleMania. Well, the ECW championship didn't exist until after the last WrestleMania, so unless time travel can be used to make matches - no shit!
Of course, Austin is the only guy involved in this that anyone cares about. Doesn't that tell you something about this company, that a guy who hasn't wrestled in 4 years is still the most popular man by far?
Winner = Bobby Lashley via Austin being a bad referee
2/10

Because Lashley won, Vince gets his head shaved. And Austin gives Alan Partridge Donald Trump a stunner just because.

Guess what?
John Cena is all grown up.

Fuck.

This.

Show.

Lumberjill Match
WWE Women's Championship
Ashley vs Melina (c)
I like that the 'divas' are only allowed first names. The crowd takes things to a whole new level... of not caring. It is so quiet, it's like this match is taking place in a library for deaf mimes.
Winner = Melina via pinfall
1/10

Holy shit, Shawn Michaels is all grown up as well! I'd hope so - he is almost 50. You'd think growing up would mean he could stop being such a cock.

Apparently the fan vote being in John Cena's favour may motivate Shawn Michaels even more. Is he watching the results right now? Dude should probably be preparing for his title match instead of watching the television.

Video Package
Super dramatic music with highlights of stuff. I'm just waiting for Jim Ross to tell us this is the biggest main event in WrestleMania history.
5/10

Main Event
WWE Championship
John Cena (c) vs Shawn Michaels
I always put the good guy's name first. I can't quite decide if I should put John Cena there each time, because he is supposed to be the good guy, yet gets more boos than most of the bad guys.
Now John Cena shows us that you should never get in a car with him.

Seriously, dangerous driving isn't setting a good example for the little kids out there.
Jim Ross thinks the WWE title has been defended at every WrestleMania. I guess he didn't watch the first one. Then he says "it has been defended 15 times." More like 4. Did he mean it has changed hands? Because that is actually 17. Fuck off.
Like every main event, the referee gets knocked out. And like every match in WWE during this time, both guys are bleeding. Michaels destroys Cena's leg but of course Cena gets magically better and completely no sells it. Then acts like the match has just started. He is such a pro. No wonder the crowds love him.
Winner = John Cena via submission
6/10

John Cena celebrates while his rapping plays us out.

WrestleMania XXIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   The Undertaker vs Batista
   Not at all what I expected but it was very entertaining.
2. Worst Match
   Kane vs The Great Kahli
   Are there actually people out there that kind of garbage entertaining?
3. Highlight of the Show
   Layla.
   Just general Layla.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Every single one of those "now I'm all grown up" video packages. I don't care about little kids pretending to be wrestlers, or any lies these wrestlers want to tell to make them sound way cooler. You all sounded like teenagers trying to prove to your parents you are adults now. You may as well have started them by calling your parents by their first names.
5. Star of the Show
   I guess John Cena, though you wouldn't know it by the crowd reaction. I'm sure Jim Ross would try and tell you Shawn Michaels.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Alan Partridge. AH-HA!
   Wait, you mean that really wasn't Alan Partridge? Well, OK then...
   Tara Connor, former Miss USA who accompanied Donald Trump tonight. It isn't that she is hot or did anything awesome, I just don't want to give it to Donald Trump.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Donald Trump for his terrible Alan Partridge impersonation.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight was a return to the good stuff; carrot hummus, kale, red onion, cucumber, capsicum, tomato and falafel, topped with garlic & yoghurt and sweet chilli sauces. Delicious, though I did miss the avocado. Might try with mushrooms next time as well. I had Pepsi Next, followed by Pepsi Max because I am still falling asleep and struggling to type this without making a quadrillion mistakes. The Reeses' Chips Ahoys are wonderful. I should have had these all along.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   There is none. I fear the stains may dissolve this shirt before I hit WrestleMania 31. Or maybe dissolve my skin.
10. Overall Score
    Another mix of good with boring. I'm sure this show had potential to be entertaining, but by Prime am I sick to death of being told what to like by the commentators - especially when they have no fucking clue what they are saying half the time. How hard is it to get your facts right before opening your mouths? And we've really hit the period where all the matches are done in the same way and the same things happen. Maybe I"m being unfair. Maybe I would have enjoyed it better if I wasn't so tired and actually gave more than a sixteen-thousandth of a shit about what was happening, but that's not how this worked out so go cry to Vince McMahon about it.
    4 out of 10
    
    
    
    

WrestleMania March Madness, Day Twenty-Two: WrestleMania XXII

2 April 2006
Allstate Arena
Rosemont, Illinois - USA

Attendance: 17,159

Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry 'the King' Lawler, Michael Cole & Tazz

My thoughts before this viewing:
I've not seen this show before so can't really offer too much in the way of thoughts. The card doesn't scream excitement, that's for sure.

America the Beautiful
Michelle Williams is here to sing for us. She is from Destiny's Child - she is the one no one ever cares about or even remembers. And it would seem there is a good reason why. Stick to backup vocals, Michelle.
3/10

Opening Video Package
Oh great, another Vince McMahon match. This really isn't looking good.
3/10

Opening Match
World Tag Team Championship
Kane & Big Show vs Carlito & Chris Masters
Well at least one tag championship match made the card this year, I guess.

Chris Masters is the master of the Full Nelson. Because this is 1989 and that is the best submission hold we can come up with. Go try that in a UFC match and see where it gets you.
Winners = Kane & Big Show via pinfall following boredom
3/10

Backstage
Coach is talking with Shawn Michaels, who yells about praying to God because he sucks at promos.
2/10

Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Matt Hardy vs Shelton Benjamin vs Finlay vs Rob Van Dam vs Bobby Lashley vs Ric Flair
More ladder match insanity featuring the baffling daredevil spots of Shelton Benjamin.

Matt Hardy injures Ric Flair, removing him from the match and making me a fan of Matt Hardy again. Oh no, Ric Flair is back - guess I'll go back to not liking Matt Hardy
Winner = Rob Van Dam
7/10

Backstage
Josh Matthews talks to Randy Orton and I am immediately bored. Batista comes in and says something. Fuck these guys.
1/10

The Hall of Fame inductees for 2006 are introduced. Bret Hart still hates WWE and decided that appearing at WrestleMania wasn't right. Good for him!

US Championship
Chris Benoit (c) vs JBL (w/Jillian Hall)
JBL mocks the late Eddie Guerrero. Fuck this guy.
Winner = JBL via cheating pin
New Champion!
3/10

I think that may have been the worst Chris Benoit match I have ever seen.
Fuck this show.

Video Package
Edge is angry with Mick Foley because Edge lost to John Cena. That makes sense.
3/10

Hardcore Match
Mick Foley vs Edge (w/Lita)
Remember when Mick Foley retired?
Joey Styles joins us on commentary and he is possibly the worst commentator of all time. Just a lot of hardcore nonsense like thumbtacks and a flaming table.

Winner = Edge via pinfall outside the ring? I didn't know that was legal
3/10

Backstage
Booker T takes his wife on a tour of all the stupidity that is WWE.
-1/10

Mixed-Tag Team Handicap Match
The Boogeyman vs Booker T & Sharmell

The Boogeyman is announced as being from "a bottomless pit" - do they even have a wrestling commission in bottomless pits? I used to jump a stack of those in Pitfall and don't remember ever seeing a Boogeyman. I used to fall in them, too. Never did manage to complete that game. Perhaps that could be added to the list...
Winner = The Boogeyman via gross
1/10

Video Package
Mickie James is Trish Stratus' crazed lesbian stalker.
8/10

WWE Women's Championship
Trish Stratus (c) vs Mickie James
Jerry Lawler compares Mickie James to Mark David Chapman - the guy that killed John Lennon. Because we haven't offended enough dead people tonight. Jim Ross calls the crowd "defiant" because they are cheering for Mickie James; dude, she is wearing a super short skirt and is portrayed as a lesbian that makes out with Trish - do you really think your predominantly male audience is going to boo that?
Winner = Mickie James via botchtastic ending
New Champion!
5/10

Jim Ross is super pissed at the crowd.

Backstage
Vince McMahon has been living in a tanning bed while eating steroid sandwiches. I would like him to die.
-4/10

Casket Match
Undertaker vs Mark Henry
Undertaker's entrance includes the druids and shit, and it looks like his magical powers may be back.

I'd care but we all know where this is going.
Winner = Undertaker via casket work
4/10

There is a pay per view where you can watch the 'divas' strip to their underwear. That is sad.

Video Package
Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels are bad dudes but Vince is annoyed because Shawn found God? Doesn't stop him from being a scum bag as well.
2/10

No Holds Barred
Shawn Michaels vs Vince McMahon
I'm guessing they put Michaels against Vince this year because they wanted him to finally get cheered at WrestleMania since his return. I will boo both men, thank you very much. There are some big "You screwed Bret!" chants - I guess those are directed towards both men?
Is every match a hardcore match now just with different ways of saying it?
Winner = Shawn Michaels via bloody beating on Vince
3/10

Video Package
Rey Mysterio won the Royal Rumble and then lost his title shot to Randy Orton. Teddy Long feels sorry for him so added him to the title match at WrestleMania anyway. Teacher's pet...
3/10

Musical Performance
P.O.D. are here to perform Rey Mysterio's theme. I thought there were sound problems but it would seem this theme originally did just have clean guitar for the first half. It's better when it rocks a bit more.
4/10

World Heavyweight Champion
Rey Mysterio vs Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle (c)
Rey comes out dressed all 'Aztec Warrior' which is kinda cool, except he is so short that it looks like a kid playing dress-up.

The commentators call the crowd "weird" because they are very clearly supporting Kurt Angle and not Rey Mysterio the way WWE want them to. That's because this crowd is smart and appreciate how awesome Kurt Angle is. He doesn't botch his moves like Mysterio.

And he doesn't win like Mysterio.
Winner = Rey Mysterio via pinfall following hurricnrana
New Champion!
8/10

Chavo and Vicki Guerrero come out because we need to exploit Eddie's death some more.
I think the belt might be bigger than Rey.

Jim Ross tries to say John Cena has main-evented 2 WrestleManias; he opened 20 and he was in the co-main event of 21 - that is hardly main-eventing both shows. Jim Ross then goes on to say John Cena was the first person to listen to hip-hop in his hometown. Well, he probably grew up in rich white suburbia during the late eighties. I doubt they were very progressive in his neighbourhood. Jim Ross continues by defending John Cena against the crowd, saying they are probably "fans of traditional pro-wrestling" and that's why they are booing him. SHUT UP, JIM ROSS!

Playboy Pillow Fight
Torrie Wilson vs Candice Michelle
Lilian Garcia fucks up both their entrances because she is the worst announcer ever. Jim Ross admits he reads Playboy and Jerry Lawler says the women look different with their clothes on.
Oh fuck this show.
Winner = Torrie Wilson via pinfall following stripping
-1/10

Video Package
Triple H still has that stupid facial hair going on. John Cena is the underdog. Get used to that over the next few shows...
3/10

WWE Championship
John Cena (c) vs Triple H
We are treated to the most outlandish and ridiculous over the top entrances possible. First, the H bomb comes out on a ludacris throne doing his best Conan the Barbarian impersonation.

Then after a video telling us how awesome the gangsters of the 1940's were, an old school car comes out and unloads CM Punk and some other goofs dressed as 'gangsters' with their tommy guns.

John Cena comes out with a gun as well.

I thought he was all about being a positive role model? I'm not sure how awful gangsters that robbed, stole, killed and strong-armed people to get their own way symbolise 'hustle, loyalty & respect'.
The H bomb goes for a low blow and I'm pretty sure he legitimately hit the referee in the balls by mistake.

Jim Ross can't remember anyone ever kicking out of John Cena's FU before - try WrestleMania XX when the Big Show did. You guys never pay attention to anything that happens. You are all stupid.
Winner - John Cena via submission
3/10

And people are like "WTF?!?"

Bahahaha people are in serious shock.
John Cena ignores them and celebrates while his rapping blares over the speakers to send us out.

WrestleMania XXII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Kurt Angle vs Randy Orton vs Rey Mysterio
   I would have preferred it without all the exploitation of Eddie Guerrero's death, but it was still the best on this show by far.
2. Worst Match
   Chris Benoit vs JBL
   I am saying this match because Chris Benoit shouldn't be having shitty matches with shitty people making shitty gestures to get heat at the expense of a dead man.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Seeing CM Punk in a suit and hat pretending to be a 40's gangster with a toy gun.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   All the moments that involved Eddie Guerrero.
5. Star of the Show
   The crowd for just rejecting everything WWE threw at them.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   No celebrities this year. Probably would have killed their careers.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   No celebrities this year. Not even Rob Schneider could lower himself to attend this show.
8. Tonight's Meal
   This morning I tried again with the breakfast wrap; hash brown, scrambled egg, spinach, mushrooms, tomato and spaghetti in tomato sauce. Was quite good, probably needed some seasoning. 7-Up was again the beverage of choice and is not how I recommend anyone start their day. The Chips Ahoy with Reeses' peanut butter was delicious.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Still looking the same. I did well to avoid getting more food on it today. I like that I congratulate myself for doing something every normal person seems capable of doing.
10. Overall Score
    I was bored with this show. There were legitimately only 2 matches of interest - and even then, one was based around the death of a professional wrestling great. Having a dude cut a promo about how that dude is in hell? Not cool. Having a dude mock the way he moved just so the crowd would boo? Not cool. I was just flat out bored with this show. It makes me very glad I was not watching during this time period. And now I just read that the awesome Perro Aquayo Jr has died. Fuck this show.
    3.5 out of 10