WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXIX, Night Two

2 April 2023

So-Fi Stadium
Inglewood, California - USA

Attendance: 67,553

Commentators: Michael Cole & Corey Graves

My thoughts before this viewing:
As mentioned yesterday (3 hours ago), when they ran down the card for this show, I was actually filled with hope. And jealousy. Because I think I may actually give a hoot about some of these matches. And all the worst people were part of night one. Except The Miz is still hosting. But, again, I will take that over him actually wrestling.

America The Beautiful
Jimmie Allen is somebody that I've never known. And he really dressed up for the occasion.

He just grooves on his own for a little bit and, hey, at least he sang the ending well?
5/10

Opening Video Package
Kevin Hart is back... in a bath robe.

Tonight is "more star power". No shit - Austin Theory and Brock Lesnar are not the same. Also, this is not a sequel; the first time they did "WrestleMania Hollywood" was WrestleMania XXI, so at this point it is more of a trilogy.

It's The fucking Miz and Snoop Dogg the WWE Marijuana Champion? The Miz does his arm thing again and just looks genuinely awkward. And shit.

Opening Match
Brock Lesnar vs Omos (w/MVP)

Omos just throws Lesnar around and it is fantastic! He eventually makes a mistake, so Lesnar takes him to suplex city.

Winner = Brock Lesnar via pinfall following an F5
6/10

Maaaan that was too quick!

WWE Shop offer free shipping again - they said it was yesterday only, so their shop lies as well? It's like they're not even trying anymore, but hey, neither am I!

Big E is still stuck at the vending machine.

Who plays these shitty WWE video games? I'll stick to WCW Backstage Assault, thank you very muchly.

"WrestleMania Showcase Fatal Four-Way Tag-Team"
Liv Morgan & Raquel Rodriguez vs Shotzi & Natalya vs Chelsea Green & Sonya Deville vs 'Rowdy' Ronda Rousey & Shayna Baszler

Liv has yet another new tag-team partner at WrestleMania. Wow, Rousey has really fallen off, huh? I don't think this Raquel is related to Rogan. Everyone is scared of her and she just laughably shrugs off a dropkick. Natalya goes for the double Sharpshooter. Where have Rousey and Baszler been? Because they sure haven't been in this match - they haven't even been on the apron awaiting a tag or anything. And why is Baszler missing a boot??

Winners = 'Rowdy' Ronda Rousey & Shayna Baszler via submission (Rousey with an armbar on Shotzi)
5/10

Rousey and Baszler celebrate for longer than they were in the match.

Video Package
More bullshit about Dominik Mysterios bad new friends. They used to hang out with Edge? Oh, wait - I think this is that faction they kinda started at WrestleMania XXXIX - so when I predicted they wouldn't be together by the next WrestleMania, I was kinda right - because they gave Edge the boot. Fair enough, he is old and boring.
5/10

Highlight of the Night again? The last one had zero to do with this actual night... and neither does this one! Bobby Lashley threw some fat dude out of the ring and won the Andre The Giant Battle Royal. And now he's on the stage to show off his trophy. Usually that would be the prelude to someone coming out and trashing it... but nope, this is just Lashley waving and holding his trophy like a dork. Corey Graves pretends this is some sort of amazing achievement that will only further Lashley's career. I think I will never hear this mentioned again... possibly because I don't watch WWE outside of WrestleMania...

Xavier Woods and his band of dorks run another video game simulation for the next match. If this were WCW Backstage Assault, I would just play as La Parka and beat their asses with a chair. Or a flaming 2x4.

Video Package
Some German dude has been whooping people and is now the Intercontinental Champion. Sheamus wants to challenge him. Drew McIntyre... has a sword. So it's a battle of the European dudes. Except it seems a bit more about Sheamus and McIntyre than the champion.
5/10

Titus is back on commentary for another round of impersonating Dusty Rhodes and I'm here for it.

Oh shit, more commercials? This particular match gets its own sponsor??

WWE Intercontinental Championship
Triple Threat
Drew McIntyre vs Sheamus vs Gunther (c)
I think this is first I'm seeing of the new Intercontinental belt. Or I just haven't been paying attention - which is VERY possible. Gunther delivers some massive chops and they just look hilarious on Sheamus. Then Gunther and McIntyre have a full-on chop battle. Chops and slaps for everyone! Sheamus pounds on McIntyre so much he looks gassed! Sheamus has it won, but McIntyre interferes. Gunther powerbombs Sheamus on to McIntyre and then powerbombs McIntyre for fun!

Winner = Gunther via pinfall following powerbombs for both Sheamus and Drew McIntyre. Equal opportunity powerbombs!
8/10

Bah gawd that was physical - almost to the point of being uncomfortable, but not quite, so it was just awesome. The commentators give it a standing ovation.

The Miz pays children to like him. Creepy.

WWE exploiting kids and stuff again.

Video Package
Bianca Belair won the title at the previous WrestleMania. And the two before that, but they don't seem to want to mention those. Asuka has new facepaint. And they show fans booing her, so we all know she is the villain here.
4/10

Raw Women's Championship
Bianca Belair (c) vs Asuka
Asuka never wins at WrestleMania, so I think Belair is in for a longer title reign. The really should hire a Japanese artist to perform Asuka's entrance theme. Or just get the rights to Rule by Ayumi Hamasaki. Belair keeps the night's theme of 'children are cheap labour' by having a bunch of kids dancing during her entrance. And holy shit the commentators have listened to me and are shutting the fuck up during these entrances! Asuka hits a whole lots of spinning shit. Belair is strong! Asuka misses the mist and gets an armbar, but yeah Belair is strong.

Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following her KOD or whatever it is called
7/10

Asuka's WrestleMania losing streak continues! She must surely be close to Big Show's record by now.

Alpha Academy are much less interesting than a chocolate bar.

Recap of the main event last night, because The Usos actually losing a match at WrestleMania is wildly unbelievable.

Things have been going well, so now it's time for The Miz and Snoop Dogg. They are trying to claim both nights attendance as one total, but I would guess 90% of the people here tonight were here yesterday. I mean, some of these dudes in the front row haven't even changed their clothes. The Miz bitches at Snoop Dogg about having to wrestle Pat McAfee... and it sounds like Snoop Dogg is going to make him wrestle again?

Shane McMahon vs The Miz
BAHAHAHAHA Shane immediately blows his knee attempting a leap frog.

No contest?

Snoop Dogg is pissed and takes it out on The Miz. Oh, now it's really on...

Snoop Dogg vs The Miz
A "People's Elbow" so hilarious, I can hear those wacky Germans laughing at 4am from the other side of the world. And a year in the past...

Winner = Snoop Dogg via pinfall following Snoopy's elbow?
10/10 no notes

Video Package
Edge worked his way to the top by being a total dick? Then he retired due to injury. He was a dick, so that's what you get. Finn Balor rose up in his place, or something. Edge came back after 9 years and claimed he was a better man, but he formed this Judgment Day group and they are bad guys. So bad, they turned on Edge. Rhea Ripley beat up Edge's wife. So why is Edge so mad at Balor? Why isn't he fighting Ripley?? The narrative here was all over the place.
2/10

Hell in a Cell
Edge vs Finn Balor
Trying to make an entrance all spooky with candles and shit does not work when doing it during the day time. Oh, wait - it's a tie-in for a fucking movie. WCW did this shit as well. Edge is disco gimp??

He's wearing a jacket with the old 'The Brood' logo and Cole says they debuted in 1997. Considering Edge debuted months before the rest of The Brood and he himself didn't debut until WrestleMania XIV in 1998, you can fuck off with your misinformation. Immediately with the weapons and Balor just no sells chair shots. Edge apparently regrets forming Judgment Day and now wants to make up for it by destroying his creation - just like Ted Dibiase and the NWO. More weapons. These painted kendo sticks look like folded drinks umbrellas. The crowd call for tables, because they are clearly invested in this story. Balor is leaking blood, so the match stops? And we switch to a wide shot so the viewers can't see him being tended to by a doctor. That's actually lamer than in WCW. Edge kills time during this break by looking for more weapons and then doing nothing with them. The match resumes... Balor makes noises like he's the fucking Tasmanian Devil. He lays Edge on a table and bahahaha it immediately splits perfectly in the middle.

Winner = Edge via pinfall following a con-chair-to
5/10

That was fucking silly. And pausing the match to tend to a cut completely killed any momentum it might have been gaining. Edge should go talk to Bret Hart about how great his match with 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper would have been if they had stopped it to clean up his blood.

Montage of WWE doucheburgers re-enacting famous scenes from various movies. Hold up; one of these dudes drops an F-bomb, but blood in a wrestling match is not allowed?!?!

Backstage Interview
Kayla still works here! Bianca Belair is partying with little children. Find some friends your own age!

Backlash. Bad Bunny. Boring.

Hall of Fame: Class of 2023
This year's inductees were Stacey Kiebler and Andy Kaufman. Obviously there were young girls in attendance, because Jerry 'the King' Lawler had to provide his speech via online. The Great Muta was inducted - despite never wrestling for WWE - as well as.. a referee? Oh, and Rey Mysterio. But not Rey Mysterio, Jr.? He was awesome in WCW. And that Adidas suit is something.

WrestleMania XL will always be sunny in Philadelphia.

More highlights of night one, like I didn't already watch that shit.

The Miz thinks you should gamble.

The Weeknd are still providing WrestleMania theme songs. And they are still terrible.

Do the Safety Dance in jail after you fail to do your taxes properly?

No wonder this company makes so much money they have to cut people due to budget cuts...

Video Package
Cody Rhodes has wanted to be WWE Champion since he was 8 years old and now he is going to finish his story. So he'll win and then die?? You know, all weekend these pre-match videos have been providing all sorts of backstory and helping the casual viewer (e.g. LOGMAN) informed of the story behind the matches. But then when it comes to the main event, they tell us absolutely nothing. That's the WWE I know!
6/10

Main Event
Undisputed WWE Championship
Cody Rhodes vs Roman Reigns (c) (w/Paul Heyman and some other dude named Solo?)
Reigns is introduced by... pianists? Michael Cole hilariously mocks Cody Rhodes for failing to become an actor when he was younger. And then he goes on to bag on The American Dream for never winning the WWE Heavyweight Championship. I mean, he came to the WWF for a grand total of 18 months in the midst of Hulkamania and was stuck feuding with the likes of Big Bossman and Honky Tonk Man. Hardly the respect a multiple-time NWA Heavyweight World Champion deserved. Paul Heyman babbles something about Roman Reigns "owning an island of relevancy". Honestly sounds like something Roger Moore would have said in Spice World. Haha what the commentators are impressed Rhodes knows the rules. Reigns dominates forever, until Rhodes eventually gets some offense and Cole is all like 'Wow, he's not just going to get smoked like a chump!' Ham Solo gets ejected from the match, but why do they bother agreeing to it? If they disqualify Reigns, he would still be champion. Rhodes hits a Crossroads and not even Heyman can pretend that was getting a three-count. Graves calls Reigns a "great white shark". Racist! Aaand here come the finishers! Reigns goes for a guillotine off his back and I'm pretty sure his shoulders were down for like a twenty-count. It's the main event at WrestleMania, so of course that means we gotta have the referee knocked out! Cole acts like it has never happened before. Well, allow me to check my notes...

*checks notes*

It's happened in the last 50 main events. Fuck you. The Usos run in and hit some superkicks and their Dudley Boys rip-off finisher. So Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens Mac chase them off. Rhodes recovers and hits a bunch of Crossroads... so Ham Solo comes back and murders Rhodes or something.

Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall following a spear
6/10

If the referee was actually competent, he would have realised Ham Solo had disobeyed his order to leave the ringside and reversed his decision. And THAT would have been a fitting tribute to Dusty Rhodes!

I'll be honest; I knew the result of this and that probably hampered my enjoyment of the match. Michael Cole calls this the greatest title reign of all-time. HAHAHAHAHA no.

We get fan reactions and then it's pyro and posing and peace out!

WrestleMania XXXIX, Night Two: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Drew McIntyre vs Sheamus vs Gunther
   Very physical and very fun!
   
2. Worst Match
   Edge vs Finn Balor
   Like most Edge matches since he returned, it was slow and not all that exciting.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Snoop Dogg with the worst 'People's Elbow' ever? Shane O'Mac blowing his knee and thus ruining whatever they had planned?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   The Miz as host, although that is better than him wrestling. But then he went and did that, too. Again.
5. Star of the Show
   I mean... there really are no stars here?
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Snoop Dogg for doing barely anything and getting some sort of WWE belt out of it. Also, shout out to Rick Rubin for sitting behind the Spanish announce table at some point but obviously not agreeing to be on camera.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   I don't think there were any other celebrities tonight, but Logan Paul was in the highlights from last night, so let's just go with him, because fuck that douche.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Dear readers, I'm not going to lie to you; tonight I went kinda cheap. I had simple wraps of a Hoki filet on spinach with some baba ghanoush and a bit of coleslaw, all in a garlic butter wrap. I wasn't excited for this show, so didn't go all out on the meals this year. But I sure went 200% on the PepsiMax with Raspberry...
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I can't say for certain, but I may have only got a bit of sauce on my sleeve. Which led to a great deal of panic, because this Hart Foundation hockey jersey was far more expensive than that white t-shirt I threw a WrestleMania logo...
10. Overall Score
    That was a WrestleMania! I had a nap after day one and a whole bottle of Pepsi, so maybe that helped my attitude, but there was genuinely not a bad match and some really fun ones to boot. As always, the skits and ads and hosts were fucking awful, and having the bad guy win the main event is kind of a downer, but otherwise this was probably the best WrestleMania I have watched in years.
    7 out of 10

WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXVIII, Night Two

2 April 2022

AT&T Stadium
Dallas, Texas - USA

Attendance: 65,653 

Commentators: Michael Cole, Pat McAfee, Jimmy Smith, Corey Graves & Byron Saxton

We're back - "WrestleMania Saturday" was pretty good, and now I actually know what is in store for tonight's show; Johnny Fucking Knoxville, Pat McAfee, and Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns. Insert shrug emoji.

NIGHT TWO

America the Beautiful

Jesse James Decker is apparently many wonderful things. She is a pretty good singer, but bah gawd she has some nasal qualities and a hideous Southern twang going on. That said, this is easily the best performance of the weekend.
6/10

Opening Video Package

Mark Wahlberg says "it's rare the sequel is as good as the original". My man made Transformers: The Last Knight, so he knows from experience. He then says "We gotta run it back"; so you're saying we are just going to do all the matches from last night again? I bet this dude got paid millions of dollars for this 30 second appearance. Stupendous!

5/10

Triple H's music hits and bah gawd this show is already worse than last night. Is this his chance to do the thank you to the fans and welcome to WrestleMania? They should warn me if he's opening the show so I can do something else during that time, like make my wraps, pour some Pepsi, or stick my head in the microwave. Seriously, fifteen minutes of him thinking he's Vince McMahon? And retiring, or something? I don't know. Just fuck off.

Triple Threat

Raw Tag-Team Championship

RK-Bro (c) vs The Street Profits vs Alpha Academy

I don't know who the hell Alpha Academy are and someone should run Matt Riddle down with a burning Hummer, but The Street Profits are cool so at least I have one team to support here. What is up with this fucking "Alpha" moron doing the stupidest "Shush" ever? Oh hey - I remember Otis from previous WrestleMania's! He had a beard and was fun. Now he has none of those things. Montez Ford is fucking YEAH!
Orton & Riddle double-team the Profits and both act like Orton, which is very silly. Alpha Chad Gable has tried the top-rope twice now and both times he looks like he is about to poo his pants and throw up. Honestly, dude, if you're not comfortable with it you should just stay off, because you look stupider. Lots of high-flying crazy shit. Lots of shit in general.

Winners = RK-Bro via pinfall following Orton hitting an RKO.

6/10

I would rate that match higher if it involved better people. However, Montez Ford is awesome and this should have been his moment so his family could have a big WrestleMania weekend. Make him WWE Champion and I might tune in again. Hahaha just kidding.

Post-match, the Profits pour drinks for RK-Bro and then call over that Gable Stevenson guy WWE signed yesterday. Chad Gable is not happy. Because they are both called Gable and wrestle? New Gable doesn't know what he's doing at all... but then daaaamn suplex!

Bobby Lashley vs Omos

It's not a terrible 'big man' match, but then they fuck something up and it kills the crowd. Lashley goes for The Hurt Lock, but Omos says 'Nope!'. Omos just throws Lashley around some more. That's a big man he's throwing and catching! Lashley suplexes Omos and the crowd goes nuts.

Winner = Bobby Lashley via pinfall following spear

7/10

I'm probably being generous, but I enjoy when big dudes fight like big dudes. Omos does look terrible trying to sell stuff, though.

There's a video of WWE hanging out with retards and George W. Bush. So extra retards.

Pat McAfee is still commentating - shouldn't he be preparing for his pro-wrestling debut?

Video Package

Sami Zayn is still paranoid and making bad videos. Johnny Knoxville is old and has brain damage. Legit. He put Zayn's phone number on Instagram, so people called him while he was trying to eat dinner or something. How are these highlights being set to a really fun pop-rock song?

7/10

Anything Goes
Johnny Knoxville vs Sami Zayn

Is it really impossible to just call a match "No Disqualification"? Knoxville comes out wearing safety goggles. He should be wearing a fucking crash helmet. Zayn tries to grab something from under the ring and there are a whole bunch of mouse traps. Huh? This is like a hardcore match from 1999 where a whole lot of dumb shit just happens for no reason. Knoxville blows an airhorn at Zayn as he runs towards him, but he does it too late like a total doofus. Some idiot I guess from Jackass is now in the ring? Zayn is scared of a guy in his underpants, which totally makes sense if pro-wrestling were performed in full body suits. Why is he rolling him under the ring? Oh, that's because there is another Jackass character hiding under there. A little dude slams Zayn and Knoxville hits a tornado DDT. Then the Jackass guys bring some sort of kicking contraption into the ring. What the fuck is the point of that? Wouldn't it just be easier to kick the dude with your own leg? And how does Knoxville have control of the pyro? Then Knoxville pulls out a taser like he thinks he's Colonel DeBeers. Zayn runs into a... giant hand?

Tongs to the wang and then he goes through a mousetrap-covered table he setup earlier. The Jackass crew then bring in a giant mousetrap. Pat McAfee calls this "majestic" and "stupendous" BAHAHAHA I like this Pat McAfee. The giant mouse trap breaks, so Knoxville has to manually make it catch Zayn.

Winner = Johnny Knoxville via pinfall from mousetrap?

7/10

I mean, it was totally stupid bullshit. But I laughed. And Pat McAfee is actually great.

Backstage, the door to Brock Lesnar's dressing room is shown. I'm guessing this was to remind the other wrestlers that he is the only star, so only he deserves his own dressing room.

Fatal 4-Way

Women's Tag-Team Championship

They announce the rules, and once again it is one fall to a finish. THAT'S NOT FATAL AT ALL YOU DUMBFUCKS.
Naomi & Sasha Banks vs Liv Morgan & Rhea Ripley vs Shayna Baszler & Natalya vs Queen Zelina & Carmella (c)

Naomi does her typical dancing and glowing, while her tag-team partner comes out in a Lamborghini. Liv Morgan and Rhea Ripley have decided to dress up as Catwomen. Of course, the geniuses on commentary think they are Batwomen. Huh - this is like a party for people whose tag-partners at last year's WrestleMania got fired. Carmella is now being billed as "the most beautiful woman in WWE" - which is stupid - and she's wearing some stupid mask covering her face? Sasha and Morgan kick everyone out of the ring so they can try and have an actual wrestling match, I guess. I think I ask this most WrestleManias, but how is it Natalya grew up around this business and has an Uncle that is actually the greatest ever, yet here we are probably 20 years into her career and she is still so darn average. And how is it Shayna Baszler was so average at MMA but is so darn good at this pro-wrestling thing? I like Liv Morgan, but her screaming is comical. And she is not strong enough for this Tower of Doom.

Winners = Sasha Banks & Naomi via double-team pin

4/10

New Champions!

It... actually wasn't as bad as I expected!

They show a replay of the tag-team match from last night, but refuse to explain how The Miz tagging his partner in the middle of the ring was allowed.

Video Package

Edge thinks he is the most important part of WrestleMania and starts shit with AJ Styles for no reason. Cool. Edge is sad because he's been having bad matches, or something. Styles is the king of WrestleMania matches not living up to the hype, so you two are made for each other. Also, crushing his head with a chair is probably not going to make him perform better. Holy shit, Edge is a truly terrible promo.

2/10

AJ Styles vs Edge

The commentators say AJ Styles has been taking out WWE legends... like... Austin Theory. Who?? Edge comes out on a throne like he's Triple H or some shit. He even has a new entrance song. You know, as average as AJ Styles has become in WWE, he is certainly using that WWE paycheck to take good care of his hair. He bashes Edge's headed into the steps. Graves thinks the sternum is where your ribs are. Edge is now dominating, but what did he hurt his knees doing a move or something? Edge continues to slow the match down like he's heel Bret Hart minus the awesomeness. Styles with the epic slide into the turnbuckles. Lots of reversals that end with Edge getting an STF locked in. Makes me wonder if John Cena is ever coming back. Or at least giving us a Bumblebee sequel. More reversals. Styles goes for a Torture Rack, which is weird from a little dude like him, but Omos should totally use that as his finisher. Imagine someone up on that giant's shoulders. More submission reversals. I could have saved us all a bunch of time and just written that and nothing else. Styles hits a superplex onto the ring apron? Jeebus. The referee hits them with the looooongest outside 10-count ever, but then doesn't count them down at all when they have been laying in the middle of the ring for a minute. Edge kicks out of the Styles Clash, so Damian Priest runs out to distract... Styles.

Winner = Edge via pinfall following a spear of all fucking things

7/10

It was too long and a bit boring, but I did consider a higher score until that stupid ending.

Edge and Priest are being hyped as the "new breed" or some shit. I don't care. Do what you want - I am 100% certain they won't be together come next WrestleMania.

New Day vs Sheamus & Ridge Holland (w/Butch?)
Bryon Saxton continues to make it abundantly clear he does not watch Smackdown. Neither do I. After that last match, this one need to be quick. And thankfully, it is.

Winners = Sheamus & Ridge Holland via pinfall

4/10

I don't care enough about those bad guys to care about that match.

Michael Cole hyping the main event: "There has never been a WrestleMania match like this!". Except twice before.

The Weeknd are responsible for another WrestleMania theme. And this one probably sucks more.

The Undertaker comes out to walk around and give a bit of a wave. It's like he is taunting us that this show will never end.

Video Package

Pat McAfee always wanted to be a pro-wrestler, but took up American Football instead. It pays better. Austin Theory is Vince McMahon's favourite wrestler or some shit. I care less about him than ever. Pat McAfee is living his dream.

6/10

Pat McAfee vs Austin Theory (w/Vince McMahon)

McMahon does his stupid strut down the ring and the commentators kiss his ass, because that is what all WWE employees do. Fans do it for free, because they are stupid. Why does Theory call himself "A-Town"? That's possibly the stupidest nickname since "The Real OC". McMahon clearly tells Theory what to do with his cellphone and they take selfies together. Jeebusfuckingchrist. McAfee comes out to Seven Nation Army - noice. And the Dallas Cheerleaders - not so noice. Cole reminds us he is actually undefeated at WrestleMania, so hopefully McAfee wins tonight and sets up a streak vs streak match at WrestleMania XXXIX. Cole makes jokes about Vince being old and deaf - holy shit, when did this dude get balls?? It's especially funny, given his job involves having Vince yell in his headset about what to say. McAfee thinks he is The Rock and starts to commentate himself beating up Theory. McAfee misses a top-rope swanton, but holy shit he hits a picture perfect backflip. And leaps to the top rope like a mofo.

Winner = Pat McAfee via pinfall via rollup and holding the tights.

6/10

Vince berates his 'chosen one' and then challenges McAfee to a match or something.

Pat McAfee vs Vince McMahon (w/Austin Theory)

Theory attacks McAfee from behind, which leads to Vince beating up McAfee... and the crowd chanting "You still got it!" at Vince? You fucking morons deserve this shit. Theory attacks McAfee some more - why is that not a disqualification? Man, what a way to absolutely murder what was a feelgood moment. Vince is given a football - dude should be careful, he might break his leg. Then he kicks it into McAfee bahahaha how fucking stupid.

Winner = Vince McMahon via pinfall following football?

-5/10

That was the second stupidest thing I've seen all weekend. Fuck this show.

McMahon's music hits and Vince has a heart attack - clearly that was a fuckup on someone's part and he was expecting someone else, because then 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin's music plays and he comes out. Stupid fucking old man can't hear music properly - Cole was right. Let me get this straight; you had a great thing with Pat McAfee living the dream and winning his pro-wrestling debut at WrestleMania, only to immediately destroy that goodwill so Vince could have one last WrestleMania moment with Steve Austin? Austin hits Theory with the Stunner and the kid gives it the biggest bump ever hahaha. Vince wants to have a beer with Austin for old times' sake. We all know where that is heading. HOLY SHIT WORST STUNNER EVER!! 

Austin is pissing himself.

Austin very gently stomps old POS Vince. I'm guessing McAfee is next for the beer/stunner combo... McAfee spits beer everywhere and Austin seems to love it. Austin then pours beer on the dude for good measure, then plugs his beer label on the way out.

Video Package

You'd think for "the biggest main event in WrestleMania history" they'd do something a bit more interesting than just having boring highlights set to a shitty Metallica song. I'd hope there was actually some kind of story involved here, but what would I know.

1/10

Main Event

WWE Championship Unification

Brock Lesnar (WWE Champion) vs Roman Reigns (WWE Universal Champion) (w/Paul Heyman)

The result for this is pretty clear-cut; Reigns is winning. He's the future of WWE and the chosen one and this is what they've been building for like six years now or however long it has been since he started headlining this garbage truck. The real question for me is: will this actually be interesting? Because their last match sure was not. What is going on in CGI Roman Reigns' crotch??

He's upgraded his Thanos glove to red, so now it is faster? He has a microphone and I'm scared I am going to have to listen to one of his promos, but thankfully he just delivers one boring sentence about acknowledging him. I do! I acknowledge you are one boring motherfucker! Lesnar's having a great time - he gives zero fucks about winning and losing, so long as the man gets paid. The match gets going and it is just spamming suplexes and (not so) Superman punches. The hilarity that these dumbfucks in the crowd actually think Lesnar might win this with a single F5. Also hilarious that the referee is knocked out and misses all sorts of cheating, but can easily see someone calling him over to make the pin a second later. Heyman truly is a barrel of WrestleCrap with his "My tribal chief" babbling. What the fuck am I watching here...

Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall following a spear

5/10

New unified champion?

Roman Reigns poses with his belts forever and gets some pyro and fuck you good night!

WrestleMania XXXVIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   AJ Styles vs Edge
   It was mighty slow at points and went a bit long. And while I thoroughly enjoyed The Knoxville/Zayn match, that enjoyment was based on fucking how stupid the whole thing was.
2. Worst Match
   Pat McAfee vs Vince McMahon
   Yeah. Fuck Vince McMahon.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Pat McAfee having the absolute time of his life. Close second would be Vince McMahon completely fucking up the Stunner at all-time levels.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Pat McAfee vs Vince McMahon
5. Star of the Show
   'Stone Cold' Steve Austin. Not even close.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Pat McAfee.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Logan Paul was in the highlights, so he can have this again because fuck that guy.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Wraps featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, red onion, olives and corn fritters, topped with burger sauce. Honey mustard may have suited it more. PepsiMax with raspberry is good for a change and possibly improved my attitude.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Which is nice, because I do not wish to ruin my Easter pyjamas.
10. Overall Score
    This was the night of the bad guys! Even when there were moments the good guys won, the bad guys got the upperhand after the match to get the HEAT. The bullshit with Vince McMahon - look, I get it, but it was a poor idea executed poorly. The main event was obvious. But on the whole, not nearly as bad as I expected and, well, I actually had a fun old time with plenty of WrestleCrap madness.
    5 out of 10

WrestleMania Lockdown Lunacy: WrestleMania XXXVI

26 March 2020 (Aired 4 & 6 April)
WWE Performance Center
Orlando, Florida - USA

Attendance: 0

Commentators: Michael Cole, John 'Bradshaw' Layfield, Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton 

My thoughts before this viewing:
It's Good Friday! Which means it's time for WrestlMania - so that makes it Bad Friday?
See that attendance? Hilarious.
Of course, this is why I'm home watching Wrestlemania; the world is shut down thanks to the COVID. It's a pretty sad situation. Meanwhile, WWE were like 'Fuck your health and safety - we can make some money here!' and insisted their wrestlers keep going. And instead of cancelling WrestleMania like they should have, set it up in their own Performance Center to a crowd of no one and charged people $60 a night to watch it. Yay capitalism! As such, I can't wait to see how WrestleMania in an empty, small building actually looks. And what's on the menu? As far as I know, Goldberg vs Roman Reigns, Brock Lesnar vs Drew McIntyre, and... I think that's it. Oh, wait - there is also Undertaker vs AJ Styles. That should be... yeah, shit.

NIGHT ONE
We open with video from Stephanie McMahon telling us how wonderful WWE are to keep putting on their shows during the "current circumstances". WWE will deliver hope and perseverance and entertainment and fuck you.

America the Beautiful
We get a compilation of the many performances throughout the years. It's good Hulk Hogan isn't here because there would be way too many black people for his liking.
6/10

Opening Video Package
Some Pirates of the Carribean ripoff nonsense. Dudes, those moves are hella old already. And it's also super-self-aware that it's a Pirates of the Carribean ripoff? It's also WAY too long and painfully cringey. But at least we get some AC/DC to end it?
2/10

Rob Gronkowski is our host this year. I have no idea who or what he is, but I'd like him to die and fuck off.

WWE Women's Tag-Team Championship
Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross vs The Kabuki Warriors (c)

Asuka is dancing so this is already a great night.
Kairi Sane mocks Alexa Bliss and it's hilarious. Alex tries to mock her in return, but it's fucking cringe.
Nikki Cross tries to rile up the crowd; uhhhh there's no on there, you fucking moron!
But that she doesn't let that deter her, and she tries again. Bahahaha this is exactly what I expected to happen; WWE performers are programmed like robots to only perform one way, so they have no idea how to change what they do when there is no crowd.
Now she's stomping her feet and trying to get the imaginary crowd to clap.
Now she's screaming and rips her shirt and it's so ridiculous that even Michael Cole can't ignore and calmly says "Well, to each their own..."

There's a clear edit here, where Asuka is being pinned and there's about a 3 second gap after the 2 count before Kairi Sane breaks it up. Then Bliss fucks up her finisher and they can't be bother redoing that??
Winners = Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross via pinfall following Alexa Bliss almost missing the Twisted Bliss
6/10
New Champions

5 of those points are because The Kabuki Warriors were hilariously entertaining.
But minus 20 points because Alexa Bliss and Nikki Cross are as awful as The Kabuki Warriors are awesome.

Backstage Interview
Sami Zayn is now doing a communist gimmick or something. Oh, he's calling himself "The Great Liberator" and thinks he's Fidel Castro. He kinda looks like Robin Williams in a Vietnam movie or something.
5/10

Man, I missed backstage interviews. They're so much better.

Promo for WWE Shop. 50% off Championship belts?? Why are these fools wrestling and risking the COVID when they can just buy their own belt??

Promo for WWE's new movie, The Main Event.
It looks absolutely embarrassing. I must watch it.

Elias vs King Corbin

Dammit, I thought beating up Elias at WrestleMania was going to be John Cena's tradition!
Corbin no longer looks like a bartender - more like a bar manager. Yay he got a promotion! It's a shame his promo and wrestling skills didn't. He yells at JBL to tell everyone how great he is; clearly you haven't been listening because both JBL and Cole have been singing your praises throughout the match. Which is even more crazy because it's dead quiet in there and I have absolutely no doubt you CAN hear them.
Even just sitting at the desk when no one is watching, Michael Cole looks more uncomfortable than me talking to a human.

Corbin tries to cheat but gets caught - WrestleMania traditions be damned!
Winner = Elias via rollup pin while holding the tights
3/10

More Miz Mortification

Video Package
Becky still thinks she's a man and Ronda Rousey's friend is apparently tougher than Ronda Rousey, despite being worse at MMA. How do people like Becky so much? Her promos are actually awful.
3/10

Raw Women's Championship
Becky (c) vs Shayna Baszler
Becky comes out in a truck and then walks about 10 miles to the Performance Center entrance; is this her version of Charlotte entering via a helicopter last year?

The commentators repeat everything the women said in the video package that just aired like we weren't watching or something. Oh good - Becky is holding up her title belt for the crowd to see.

She talks throughout the match and it is total cringe.
Then she steals the Bret Hart/Roddy Piper WrestleMania VIII finish, minus the drama and awesomeness.
Winner = Becky Lynch via pinfall while getting choked out
4/10

Once again, Becky holds up the belt for the crowd.

Moron.

Hyundai and WWE are teaming up. I'll be sure to get my tag-team partner and avoid you both.

Promo for an upcoming series on the Undertaker. OK, you got me - I'll watch the shit out of that.

WWE Intercontinental Championship
Daniel Bryan (w/Drew Gulak) vs Sami Zayn (c) (w/Cesaro & Shinsuke Nakamura)

Gronk and his buddy Mojo are doing the "Yes" chant. They should be practicing social distancing instead.

Sami Zayn just stalls and stalls and stalls and Cesaro says Daniel Bryan is already getting tired. Bahahahaha Cesaro is awesome.
Aaaah and now we get the classic "Daniel Bryan needs to win this to get his WrestleMania moment".
 * WrestleMania 31 - Daniel Bryan defeated six other men in a ladder match to win the Intercontinental Championship
 * WrestleMania 30 - Daniel Bryan defeated Triple H, Randy Orton and Batista to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
 * WrestleMania 36 - Daniel Bryan is competing against Sami Zayn in front of nobody
Which 'WrestleMania Moment' do you think is more important?
Winner = Sami Zayn via pinfall following kick to the face
8/10

That was a fun match

Promo for all the charity work WWE do.
Fuck you.

Promo for a documentary on Edge. I mean, I might watch that, too, but can I get more of that Undertaker documentary?

Triple-Threat Ladder Match
Smackdown Tag-Team Championship
Kofi Kingston vs Jimmy Uso vs John Morrison (c)
So the tag-team titles are on the line, but there are no tag-teams? Oh that makes sense.
About as much sense and Kofi and Uso talking to the imaginary crowd.

John Morrison shows them how a real pro does it and actually throws his sunglasses into the non-existent audience.

Bahahaha this is fucking hilarious.
Everyone grabs a ladder, but Morrison's is shorter. Size matters hurdy hurdy hur.
Then he make the most comedic attempt to climb for the belts; first, he sets up a ladder to the side of the belts. Then pauses. Then moves the ladder. Then pauses again and looks around. Seeing no one else is around and he has a clear run to the belts, he SLOWLY climbs the ladder. Then pauses to clutch at his shoulder that hasn't been troubling at all before now. Amazing, this means Kofi Kingston has time to put a stop to it - who would have guessed?!?
Due to strict social distancing laws there are now more ladders in the room than people.
Winners = John Morrison & The Miz via The Miz being sick and not competing.
5/10

Network promo.
I can't even find the effort to discuss this anymore.

Video Package
Seth Rollins is cross-fit Jesus. Kevin Owens is fat and wants a WrestleMania moment. Yawn.
6/10

Kevin Owens vs Seth Rollins
Seth's music sounds so average when it's not being blasted in a stadium with thousands of fans cheering. He hits topes like they're his spears or German suplexes, and talks A LOT - but none of it is funny. Except for maybe "Ow my ribs!". Such a natural thing to say.
He slams the ringbell into Kevin Owens' head and it goes ding-ding.
BAHAHA
Winner = Kevin Owens via Disqualification
7/10

Rollins is happy? That makes NO sense; he doesn't have a belt to save - was the title of Jesus on the line?

Owens grabs a mic. I'm guessing he doesn't want it to end like that and it must continue. Dude just got hit in the head with a fucking bell - he should be done, not talking on the mic. He wants to fight Rollins again but with no disqualification. That's a stupid idea; if the previous match had been 'No DQ', he'd still be getting smashed in the head with a ringbell right now.
So Rollins continues to beat him up. Dude, just hit him with the fucking bell again!
Rollins keeps saying "I can do whatever I want. I can do whatever I want". Maybe he wants an ice cream? Now HE gets hit in the head with the bell. The ''ding-ding" makes me laugh again.
I guess now it's time for a 'WrestleMania moment'. Rollins groans hilariously and Owens leaps off the WrestleMania sign to drop a shitty attempt of an elbow. Rollins should be saying "Ow my ribs!" again.
Winner = Kevin Owens via pinfall following Stunner
6/10

That was unnecessary. Should have just made it No DQ from the start.
They show a bunch of replays and one of the angle shows how much the elbow didn't connect with Rollins at all. This shit isn't live, so that makes this so much funnier.

"Feel like a champion; buy your own championship belt!"
You fuckers didn't like it when the Million Dollar Man did it!!!

Gronk and Mojo are the most wooden and terrible hosts yet. R-Truth comes out to cry about being the 24/7 Champion, so Mojo pins him. Gronk is pissed. Dear gawd they're actually setting up a Gronk vs Mojo feud.

Total Bellas promo.
They're both pregnant? Why do I suddenly care?!?

Backstage Interview
Paul Heyman says Drew McIntyre is a bitch and he will be conquered by 'The Beast'. 'Bitch and the Beast' is the Disney sequel I never knew we needed.
7/10

WWE Universal Championship
Goldberg (c) vs Braun Strowman

No one ever explains why Braun Strowman is in the match instead of Roman Reigns. At all.
Why does Goldberg have his usual security entourage? Is this because he's old and they need to keep the COVID away from him?
Braun roars and Goldberg laughs. This could be fun battle of the no-selling. Instead it is exactly what I should have expected; Goldberg hits 3 spears, gets a 2 count, hits a 4th Spear, goes for the Jackhammer, but Braun reverses it and hits 3 powerslams.
Winner = Braun Strowman via pinfall following 3 powerslams
3/10
New Champion!

Well that was... quick?

Recap of all the WWE Snickers ads from the past WrestleManias?
Oh fuck the fuck off!

Promo for next year's WrestleMania. Heading back to Hollywood.
Wrestlers will be heading back to bad-acting school.
I'll be heading back to tequila.

Video Package
AJ Styles asks "What would WrestleMania season be without AJ Styles?". Answer: the same as always, but with maybe one less mediocre match. AJ shoots on Undertaker and his wife; says he doesn't want to fight "old man Mark" but wants to fight "the dead man". He should have to fight 1993 Undertaker. But only if it's 2009 AJ Styles.
8/10

Boneyard Match
Undertaker vs AJ Styles
So we're here... and still not a single explanation of what a "Boneyard Match" actually is. AJ Styles arrives at a graveyard in a coffin. Undertaker rolls up on his motorbike while Metallica play. It should be Limp Bizkit, to make his journey back to being American Badass complete. So turns out a "Boneyard Match" is not actually a wrestling match; it's instead an episode of a mid-nineties late-night action show - complete with dramatic musical score. Undertaker beats the snot out of AJ and throws him in a grave. Of course, this brings out AJ's friends to even more dramatic music, and then even more dudes in hoods or something like it's a meeting of the reverse KKK. But in true nineties action hero fashion, Undertaker just whips everyone's asses. Until AJ comes back from the dead and puts an end to it; funny how he only manages to get in 2 shots, while Undertaker completely brutalised him earlier and made AJ look like a complete punk.

Eventually, AJ gets Undertaker in the grave and is ready to pour over the dirt BUT WAIT! The Undertaker now magically appears behind AJ and resumes kicking ass.

Of course, he totally murdersises everyone before chokeslamming AJ off a barn or something and then buries him in the grave.

So that was the match? How the fuck am I supposed to score that??
I mean, as a pro-wrestling match it was a zero. But as an episode of Renegade, I'd give it about a 4.

Undertaker rides off into the night while Metallica play again.
Fuck this show.

NIGHT TWO

Stephanie McMahon is here once again to tell us how great WWE are. And then it's the same Pirates of the Carribean video from last night? What a waste of 10 minutes.

Gronk is back to host. He can suck my balls.

Video Package
Charlotte Flair has won too much gold? So now, in true HHH fashion, she will take it from the developmental roster as well. Which HHH runs. Surprised?
6/10

NXT Women's Championship
Charlotte Flair vs Rhea Ripley (c)

Why is Charlotte yelling at no crowd?
Ripley says this is HER ring and then gives it a dust. But this is Roman Reigns' yard; so she keeps her ring in the Big Dog Machine's yard? Or does she lease it out to him? It's all very confusing.
Ripley's kicks look lazy. Super lazy. She should study some Ultimo Dragon.
She has a hurt leg and I know this because she's constantly screaming and yelling about her hurt leg. What is is with Australian women and all this screaming??
Charlotte just stands there and yells "Two time! Two time NXT Champion!"
Who in the fuck she's yelling at, I have no idea.
Ripley now sounds like a tortured goat. If I were Charlotte, I'd just submit now so I didn't have to hear it any more. Wait - maybe that's Rhea's plan? Screaming like a burning frog is her submission move?
Winner = Charlotte Flair via submission from Figure 8
6/10
New Champion

Bah gawd I'm in shock!

Promo for The Big Show Show. I guess if Miz can get a TV deal, anyone can.

Promo for WWE Shop. They need to stop with those promos because I've run out of jokes.

Recap of Night One. Including the Halloween episode of Walker: Texas Ranger

Aleister Black vs Bobby Lashley (w/Lana)

Wait - Lana is now Lashley's wife?
They open with a challenge of silence; it's like the first person to make a noise has to give the other person a Snickers. Lashley goes for a powerslam or something, but Lana jumps up on the apron and absolutely SCREAMS that she wants him to do a spear instead. Of course, that means when he tries for the spear he gets kicked in the face.
Winner = Aleister Black via pinfall following Bobby Lashley being a fucking moron
4/10

Backstage
Kayla is with Sasha and Bayley. They're best friends - thanks for the reminder! Sasha has never been Smackdown Women's Champion? I guess that means she's winning and turning on her friend.
4/10

Money in the Bank promo.
NOPE

Total Bellas Promo again.
Fuck you!

Recap of Mojo winning the 24/7 Championship.
Recap of how much I don't care.
Gronk is pissed. He should focus on hosting and improving his mic skills.

WWE2K20 holy fuck make the ads stop, for the love of gawd HOLY SHIT IT'S BRET HART! YAY!!

Video Package
Otis had a date with Mandy, but she ended up getting together with Dolph Ziggler. Some hacker dude exposed some wild conspiracy to keep Otis and Mandy apart. This is the best love story since Randy Savage & Miss Elizabeth.
8/10

Otis vs Dolph Ziggler

Otis is fat. Dolph kicks him in the balls, so Mandy comes out and hits Dolph in the balls.
Winner = Otis via pinfall following some weird elbow move
5/10

Otis and Mandy make out. Go, fatty!

Promo for the network.
Promo for fuck you, WWE.

Video Package
Edge returned to WWE after nine years in retirement. Randy Orton was like 'Let's be friends! Nah - sike!' and murdered him. Now they have to fight. Someone pretending to be a friend and then fighting at WrestleMania is now it's greatest tradition. Wait - they're doing the angle where Edge had to work for everything, while Orton was just gifted all his success in wrestling due to his family. You guys did this exact same storyline last year and totally buried AJ Styles for it.
8/10

Last Man Standing
Edge vs Randy Orton
It's so sad to see Edge return to absolutely no ovation.
Orton sneaks in dressed as the hacker that helped Otis hook up with Mandy.

Considering the social distancing laws that mean there should only be 10 people in this room, it's pretty impressive for someone to be able to blend into the "crowd".
Orton hits an RKO. Noice! Match is over already! Of course, WWE are just getting my hopes up and this is the only time the RKO doesn't end a match. Edge and Orton take us on a tour of the WWE Performance Center. First, the gym! Looks like Orton left his mints on the table and just wants Edge to come with him to get them.

Edge gives Orton a lapdance.

Now we're off to the boardroom! That table looks like you could have a mighty game of table tennis. But the chairs look pretty cheap. Billion dollar company, yo!

Someone left their jacket on a chair. Bahahaha social distancing means you'll have to wait for the match to end before you can retrieve it.
Now we've moved to a storage room, filled with all the cheap ladders and tables you'll find in the WWE matches.

Maybe they make them here and that's why they're such poor quality?
Someone parked their new truck back here, so Edge and Orton start fighting on it.

Imagine having to fill in the insurance forms: "Damage to vehicle caused by two half-naked men having a play-fight".
Edge has Orton down but stops the referee's count so he can give Orton a con-chair-to.

Winner = Edge via murder
3/10

It started good but then bah gawd that went waaaaaay too long.

Yay! I get to see that Ric Flair/Zack Ryder Snickers commercial again!
Can someone kill me now?

Mojo is being chased around for the 24/7 championship. Gronk lands on a pile of people and pins Mojo. SOCIAL DISTANCING, YO!

Fuck this show.

Another promo for the documentary about Edge. Meh, I liked it more before that boring ass match.

Raw Tag-Team Championship
Street Profits (c) vs Austin Theory & Angel Garza

Street Profits act up to the no crowd and honestly, this shit never gets old for me. This one dude reminds me of Damon Wayans Jr. On Speed. He awesome and keeps shouting "WRESTLEMANIA" at the crowd that doesn't exist. The Mexicans have a pin, but Wayans Jr hits a gigantic splash to save his dude and get the win?
Winners = Street Profits via pinfall following splash to stop pin
7/10

Wayans Jr resumes screaming and yahooing and it's fucking great. I like him. So the Mexican's give him a beatdown. Because no one getting over is a WrestleMania tradition.

Titus O'Neill is now taking over as host. Okay?

Buy a WWE title belt and pretend you beat me for it. Or better yet, but it for me for my birthday present and then I'll give you a Sharpshooter to become the champion.

WWE brag about doing charity.
Fuck. You.

Fatal 5-Way
Smackdown Women's Championship
Sasha Banks vs Bayley (c) vs Lacey Evans vs Naomi vs Tamina

Bah gawd if there were ever a time to top-up my Pepsi...
In a WrestleMania miracle, WWE are actually following the correct elimination rules for a "fatal#way" match. Tamina seems to be the new Nia - which is great timing, considering next week's Darkside of the Ring will be focusing on the fact Tamina's father is a murderer that somehow escaped justice (spoiler: the answer was bribery).
Michael Cole: "Bayley and The Boss almost got eliminated at the same time!"
Bayley: "No we didn't!"
BAHAHAHAHAHA I like this new Bayley.
Tamina eliminated by everyone pinning her
Just like what happened to Nia that time!
Bayley saves Sasha. It's elimination, so that's just stupid.
Naomi eliminated by Sasha via submission
Bayley mocks Naomi as she leaves, then starts on Lacey as she gets back in the ring. I like this new Bayley.
Sasha eliminated by Lacey via pinfall after being punched
That should have been a disqualification.
You can even hear Michael Cole yelling his commentary in the background on the replay. Hilarious. Bayley's nose piercing is now bleeding - this is why you shouldn't wrestle while wearing one. I feel like I've had to say that to too many wrestlers this week. Sasha comes back and beats up Lacey.
Winner = Bayley via pinfall with cheating and whatnot.
5/10

Bayley talks massive trash to the commentators. I like this new Bayley.

Promo for next year's WrestleMania. Here's hoping the COVID can stick around another year.

Video Package
John Cena is back! And someone already beat up Elias this year, so what's he going to do now? Why, beat up another dude he's already beat up twice at WrestleMania! Wait; does Bray Wyatt think that if he had beaten John Cena back at WrestleMania XXX, he would have become a Hollywood movie star instead of Cena? So he's threatening Cena with... puppets? Cena says he's doing this match for "the future of the WWE" which is his way of telling fans he'll be doing the job tonight. Lame.
4/10

Firefly Funhouse Match
John Cena vs "The Fiend" Bray Wyatt
Cena comes out with a look on his face like 'what the fuck do I do?!?' Then suddenly he's transported into Bray Wyatt's... TV show?

First, they go back in time to Cena's very first WWE appearance. Honestly, when you compare 2020 John Cena to 2002 John Cena, the man looks amazing. Next, they're transported to some fake Saturday Night's Main Event where Cena is called Johnny Largemeat. What?!?

Cena lifts too many weights so he can't move his arms. So now we're transported to 2003 (or maybe just last year?) and John Cena is a rapper again. Is Wyatt trying to tell Cena he is actually awesome?

Cena cuts a rapping promo on Wyatt and hurts his feelings. Fat fuck is still bitching about WrestleMania XXX? Motherfucker, you've won multiple world-titles since then. Fuck off. Next they're transported to nWo Nitro and John Cena is now in the NWO. Why?

Now Bray Wyatt turns up as "The Fiend" and I can only assume he eats John Cena or something.

Fuck.
This.
Show.

We cut to our new host, Titus O'Neill.
"I... don't know what I just saw..."
No shit.

Money in the Bank promo oh fuck off.

Video Package
Drew McIntyre had potential. They're acting like Lesnar is still this unstoppable monster, like last year didn't happen. McIntyre doesn't want to be remembered as an idiot that played air guitar. What, like Bill & Ted? You fucking wish you could be remembered like them.
6/10

WWE Championship
Drew McIntyre vs Brock Lesnar (c) (w/Paul Heyman)
Lesnar hits 3 German Suplexes and then an F5. Drew kicks out at 1.
Another F5. Kick out at 2.
Another F5. Another kick out at 2.
So Lesnar is clearly losing.
Winner = Drew McIntyre via pinfall following 3 kicks to the face
2/10
New Champion

Duh. Why do WWE keep making Brock Lesnar look like a complete garbage bag?

Drew McIntyre celebrates next to Brock's lifeless body.
The End

WrestleMania XXXVI: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Daniel Bryan vs Sami Zayn
   Cesaro is awesome.
2. Worst Match
   King Corbin vs Elias
   This was a tough decision, because there really was a lot of garbage on this show.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Cesaro making fun of Daniel Bryan.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Whatever that Firefly Funhouse nonsense was - because it sure as hell wasn't a wrestling match.
5. Star of the Show
   No one. And that sums up WWE in 2020.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Does John Cena count?
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Gronk.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Today, being a long show with split over two nights, I decided to go with two different wraps.
   Breakfast: cheese, hash browns with egg, mushrooms, tomato, capsicum, red onion & avocado with sweet chilli sauce.
   Dinner: avocado, courgette, mushrooms, tomato, capsicum, red onion with salsa, hummus & sour cream. It's Good/Bad Friday, so I've decided Hot Cross Buns are now official food of my WrestleMania fun. I also drank faaaar too much Pepsi Max with Raspberry.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I only spilled a bit. Like WrestleMania 23, I'm all grown up.
10. Overall Score
    This was NOT a WrestleMania. Not really; it was like a well-produced indy show with bad matches, or maybe a Telethon event or something. There was NOTHING about it that felt like an actual WrestleMania, so all the talk of 'WrestleMania moments' and "superstars" thinking they're making their WrestleMania debuts are full of shit - and deep down, they know it.
    THAT SAID, I enjoyed the show... but probably not in the way I was supposed to. I found the way WWE "Superstars" reacted to the lack of crowd hilariously embarrassing, but then there were some genuinely entertaining matches. Just not many. The Boneyard and Firefly Funhouse "matches" were just utter nonsense, and if we're going to pretend that this was a WrestleMania, then they're up there with the stupidest moments in WrestleMania history.
    BUT I laughed a lot, and being split into two shows really helped it all go quickly - considering this was actually 6.5 hours and therefore the longest WrestleMania ever.
    3 out of 10