Jim Kelly June Jamboree: The Tattoo Connection (1978)

THE MOVIE

We open in some sort of shipping yard, where a dude is challenging a gang. This dude is called Lee Tung Hao and he wants someone in the gang called Fat Dog to come with him, but I think the leader of the gang says Fat Dog belongs to him and they have to fight. Of course, Tung Hao wins and the gang leader is all 'Hey you are great! Fat Dog is all yours!'. Fat Dog stole money from their gang boss, Mr. Lu, and Tung Hao wants him to come back - promising him he will make sure no one kills him. It is here I will point out that this is a Hong Kong film from 1978, so all the dialogue is hilariously overdubbed with silly British accents and there are more camera zooms than can jokes I can make.

Tung Hao takes Fat Dog back to Mr. Lu's gang... and then exiles him. Makes sense.

Cue funky music!

So Mr. Lu's gang rob some dude of some diamonds. The insurance company send in an ex-CIA agent to to investigate; it's my main man Jim Kelly!

He at least has been overdubbed with an American accent and quickly gets on the trail, interviewing his buddy George - who was the guy robbed of the diamonds - and some guys that were involved in the robbery. But at every turn, Lu's gang is just one step ahead of him. Or at least... on top of him? On moving cars?

Meanwhile, Tung Hao has given the diamond to his Uncle to cut up so they can move it and make millions of dollars. Uncle predicts bad things will come from this. But he'll still cut it for money, because he's not totally stupid. His workshop is on a boat? That seems less than stable to be cutting precious stones. He also seem less than stable on the whole process:

Lucas is back on the trail - now he is investigating a tattoo found on a dead body.

He goes to a tattoo parlour and the dude tries to pretend he wasn't involved, but Lucas ain't no fool! He sends Lucas to talk to Nana, a dancer at Mr. Lu's club. And Tung Hao's secret girlfriend. She pretty much wants nothing to do with Lucas because she's racist or something. He whoops Lu's men so Tung Hao gets involved - but of course the police come before they can determine a winner. Fat dog was watching the whole thing and decides he'll help Lucas figure things out. Of course, Mr. Lu figures out Fat Dog is helping so kills him.

Lucas is getting suspicious of everyone. Tung Hao is getting fed up with Mr. Lu. Mr. Lu is being Mr. Lu, and tries to get Nana to seduce Lucas and kill him with sex. Lucas seems kinda keen on this idea, which is really odd; last time they interacted she was basically repulsed by him, but now she's all over him and getting naked in his hotel room - and he's not suspicious of that?!? Anyways, before she can give him death by snu-snu, Tung Hao busts in and takes Nana home. This, of course, makes Mr. Lu mad because now Lucas is still alive AND his top henchman has been keeping his affair secret. AND the old man on the wobbly boat still hasn't cut the diamond. I mean, you left him on a fucking boat and gave him girls to play Mahjong with - you only have yourself to blame, Lu. And has it been a week already? I mean, surely Lucas could have investigated the tattoo parlours and caught up with Nana in about a day - what else has he been doing with his time? Anyways, Mr. Lu is fed up with the old man, Tung Hao and Lucas, and sets about trying to kill them all - but I'm sure you can figure out how that works out for him.

Death by not snu-snu.

Lucas heads back to America and Tung Hao heads off to prison, though the Hong Kong police think he might be out in time for Christmas so he can spend the holidays with Lucas. Now that is a sequel I could get behind...

REACTION

Pretty much your typical 1978 Hong Kong martial arts film - which suited me quite fine, for the most part. The overdubbed voices did sound particularly silly in this one, though; I'm not quite sure who made the decision to have a big burly Chinese man sound like a cockney pirate teenager from the 13th Century, but I respect their artistic vision. I would be somewhat interested to view the movie again with the original language track, but would be quite surprised if that still existed. Can you believe this was originally promoted in Western countries as Black Belt Jones 2? I mean, Hot Potato was technically that, and it actually made less sense as the sequel.

JIM KELLY

It was a jarring hearing someone else's voice for him in this film... but, realistically, that was probably the least of the problems here. For the most part, Lucas just fumbled his investigation and got into fights. And looked cool doing it.

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Hot Potato (1975)

THE MOVIE
A US Senator's daughter has been kidnapped in a place called Chang-Lon, by a madman called Carter Rangoon. He's crazy, but wise: "A long journey begins - not ends - with the first step". 

Some army dude spends 6 minutes on the phone to the Senator reassuring him that they have it under control and are sending their best men. He hangs up the phone and asks the other army people where Chang-Lon is. COMEDY

Anyways, the only man that can take this job is Jones. And yes, it's my main man Jim Kelly.

And this time he's hanging out with a lot of white people; including his partner Johnny Chicago. When did Jones need a fucking partner? Or white people in his life that weren't just there to get karate kicked in the junk? Johnny Chicago complains about his payment for this job. Repeatedly. Jones and Chicago meet up with their contact in Thailand - a Chinese woman who happens to be from the army or something, because they spend the rest of the movie calling her "Sarge". But that doesn't matter right now, because of course they mistake her for a prostitute - because she's Asian, get it? MORE COMEDY.

Meanwhile, Carter Rangoon is spouting off all sorts of proverbs like he's Roger Moore in Spice World. He's kinda dressed like him too. "Necessity, besides being the mother of invention, can also be the wife of deception." His plan is to keep the Senator's daughter and let the good guys capture some other girl that looks exactly like her. I have no idea why. But he has pet tigers that eat people who don't get his metaphors and life-lessons, so he's got that going for him.

Before going to rescue the girl, they go pick up the last member of their bad comedy troupe team, a big fat disgusting white dude called White Rhino, or Leonardo. Or I give no fucks. He's having an eating competition against a chubby lady, and he wins by eating mashed potatoes from his hands. Look, if you wanna be fat - be fat. But at least have some fucking hygiene and use eating utensils. Of course, this makes him irresistible to women. MORE FUCKING COMEDY.

So the "good guys" turn up to Rangoon's compound and proceed to take part in the worst fucking movie fight scene I have ever seen, take the fake Senator's daughter, and make a break for it. However, Jones feels the whole thing was too easy, so now he's suspicious. Too easy? Y'all fought like 100 men and broke down their compound with a herd of Elephants. After they leave, Rangoon discovers that the fake Senator's daughter actually stole some important documents from him, so he sends his men to kill her. So... you didn't need to send a double at all? And being attacked constantly in the jungle just makes Jones more suspicious. 

Standard jungle villain attire...

And then out of nowhere, Johnny Chicago tells Jones he's falling in love with the Senator's daughter. Like, I don't even think I've seen them have a conversation? And Jones and "Sarge" are falling in love, despite the only stuff they've talked about is how much they don't trust the Senator's daughter? Also, there is more COMEDY with Leonardo the Rhino being a fat piece of shit, but honestly, fuck that right now.

Eventually, Rangoon catches up with our "heroes" and kills the fake Senator's daughter and then tells them all she was a fraud. Or she admitted to it. Like it matters - bitch is dead and Johnny Chicago is heartbroken. After another riddle to make them rethink what they know about the universe, he takes them back to his compound where they must defeat his men and escape with the real Senator's daughter. Or listen to more nonsense proverbs about listening with no ears, I guess.

REACTION

This was the whitest movie Jim Kelly made. True story; at one point, I put down my hot chocolate and yelled at the no one around that I had had enough. I checked the display and only 16 minutes had passed. So much of it was supposed to be funny, but really none of it was. It was just slapstick nonsense and bad acting and bad everything. Carter Rangoon and his madcap proverbs of nonsense were actually entertaining, I will give it that, but Rhino and Johnny bickering about hats and pay and other stupid shit just made me long for the days when I was watching Three the Hard Way. The only actual moments of humour involved people speaking in random Asian languages and Sarge translating them entirely ridiculously; e.g. some old lady said to them "気をつけてね" and Sarge translated that as the old lady telling Rhino he looked like elephant in lingerie or something. But that's probably only funny if you understand what all these people are saying in the first place, so unless you understand Japanese, Thai, Cantonese and Mandarin, these jokes aren't going to work for you.

JIM KELLY

This pains me to say, but this was my man's worst performance to date. That's not to say it is all on him; he wasn't really the leading man - it was more of an ensemble of shit that drove the movie - and he wasn't given anything good to work with here. His job seemed to be just walking around, talking to Sarge and making a few innuendoes here and there. Most of the "story" seemed to revolve around the fucking fat dude and his storing of food in his clothes and being attractive to women. Because that is COMEDY.

It's bizarre; this movie was written by the same guys that wrote Black Belt Jones and is clearly designed to be a sequel, yet it lacks absolutely everything that made Black Belt Jones so awesome. I would recommend never watching this movie. Never. Ever. Never ever never.