UWF Fury Hour: Episode 46

UWF Fury Hour Episode 46, 12th July 1992

Tonight! We will see Ivan Koloff vs 'The Boogie Woogie Man' Jimmy Valiant. And more Colonel Red. Hoo-fucking-rah.

Wet N' Wild vs The Marauder & Viper II

Tolos says Wet N' Wild have some fantastic moves that he hasn't seen in a long time. Craig tries to insult Tolos' fans. Wet N' Wild are still wanting to be the tag-team champions - so why do they continue to wrestle in a company where there is no tag-team championship? Steve Ray does sort of reverse Boston Crab that just... looks stupid. But Viper II has a hole in his tights, so the commentators instead focus on that.

I mean, fair enough; you're in the UWF, son! The big leagues! You should take pride in your appearance when you're reaching a television audience of... Herb's family every week.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via Sunny Beach getting the pin via Splash.

Call The UWF Powerline! Before the phone service is cancelled...

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Stone Cold

Next week Orndorff will get a shot at 'Cowboy' Bob Orton and the coveted UWF Southern States Championship. So the commentators spend the majority of this match discussing that match instead.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via Piledriver

Orndorff looks all kinds of uninterested in this show.

Colonel Red's Corner

Red is just shouting at Herb that he won't interview Jimmy Valiant, so Valiant comes out and threatens to beat him up instead. Why would being interviewed by Colonel Red be so important to him?? Ivan Koloff comes out and he and Valiant need to be separated. Tolos is very excited! He says he likes "action in the ring, out of the ring, in the parking lot and in the toilet!"?

The Nightstalker vs Dick Steel

Someone please explain to Craig what a hatchet is. Actually, explain to him what a lot of things are. And keep him away from all microphones forever.

Winner = The Nightstalker via Chokeslam.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton thinks Paul Orndorff is only getting a title shot because he is Herb's boyfriend? I thought this dude was trying to be a good guy now?? Also, if Orndorff was getting preferential treatment, I don't think he would have been screwed over for 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams so many times.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Helmet Hessler (w/Kevin Casey)

So if Orton were to lose this match, what would happen to next week's main event? Would it be changed to Paul Orndorff vs Helmet Hessler? Or would he just miss out on fighting for the title? Also, why does Orton have issues with Orndorff getting a title shot when he's willing to grant one Helmet Hessler, who's only been in the UWF a short while AND is coming off a loss last week?? And why would I actually think about these things?!?! 

Kevin Casey keeps teasing hitting Orton with his golf club, but Craig tells us "the couple of thousand fans in attendance" keep alerting the referee to his attempts.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via Belly-to-Back Suplex

So next week's main event will go ahead unchanged! What a relief!

Jimmy Valiant is excited to wrestle Ivan Koloff! After he wins, he is going to beat up Colonel Red as well. He sings some type of rock'n roll song and if it were anyone else I'd say it was awful and I have to kill myself, but it's the Boogie Man so I'll allow it.

Special Grudge Match

'The Boogie Woogie Man' Jimmy Valiant vs Ivan Koloff (w/Colonel Red)

John Tolos tries to start a "U.S.A." chant. And a "Golden Greek" chant. I'm pretty sure Valiant is going to spend more time partying with the crowd than he will actually wrestling in this match. 

Tolos says Valiant "has that style". Homeless-old-drunk-recovering-junkie style? Valiant hits Koloff with a cane and then chokes him - so this is no disqualification? Valiant chokes Koloff with a cable, but that somehow ends with Valiant being hurt and Koloff being totally ok. Now the referee is counting Valiant for choking Koloff in the ring - good to see there are some set rules here. And Colonel Red is allowed to hit Valiant with his cane?

Winner = Ivan Koloff via Colonel Red hitting Jimmy Valiant.

Herb runs out and says he is reversing the decision, so Colonel Red knocks him out of the ring and beats him with his cane. Valiant and Koloff continue to brawl in the ring, but eventually Valiant grabs a chair and slooooooowly comes to Herb's rescue. VERY slowly. So slowly that Craig is like 'Here comes Valiant to make the save - no he's not. Oh yes he is! Oh wait - no, yes here he comes!' Herb is a bloody mess and is taken out on a stretcher.

Thoughts:

• Main event was kinda fun? Mainly because Jimmy Valiant is always just ludicrously fun - even when he's a slow old man.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 26

UWF Fury Hour Episode 26, 29th April 1991

We've moved to Florida!

And Bruno obviously knows what's up, so he's been replaced on commentary by Captain Lou Albano OH FUCK YOU NO!!! Albano supports women wrestlers? Luna Vachon will be here tonight. Her episode of Dark Side of the Ring is airing today so, like, are the producers of that just scanning this show for people to profile?

We get a tour of Universal Studios Florida and I'm like 'No, thanks!'

B. Brian Blair vs Rico Federico
Bah gawd! They are wrestling outside in the hot Florida summer to no one!

Hilarious! Craig is now trying to start a rumour that Albano will be entering the UWF Sportschannel Drive-Thru Championship tournament. You know what? Why the fuck not? Make it Albano vs John Tolos for the title and I'm all in. So long as I never have to see B. Brian Blair do this fucking awful Sharpshooter ever again.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via Shitshooter

Ask The Wrestlers

Awwww I love the naivety! Orndorff thinks it is more likely one of them goes to the hospital. To visit Justin, who just died of a broken heart?

Call Lou's "Rapline" and get a "Slapline" from me.

Malia Hosaka (?) vs Penelope Paradise (w/Luna Vachon)
They are going on and on about how "beautiful" Paradise is, but I can assure you this is all slander.

Of course, Hosaka being Japenese means Albano must make sake jokes. John Tolos joins the commentary to try and save my soul but this match is over.

Winner = Malina Hosaka via rollup

Albano can't handle a Japanese American? Fuck you.

Brian Ricco is the UWF's new reporter. He says Herb is a doctor, so I immediately question his journalistic credentials. Brian gives us a run down of the tournament results so far - I wasn't even aware they tournament had started! Are you going to let us know about any upcoming matches in the "tournament"?

Bam Bam Bigelow vs Rusty Brooks
Albano says Brooks used to weigh over 400 pounds, but now he's down to around 320. But he's still bigger than Bigelow, who is supposed to weigh 400 pounds. Albano makes some comments about watching cartoons on Bigelow's head - but the tattoos would get in the way? I have no fucking idea what he's on about. Albano also has trouble saying "Rusty". Fuck that guy.

Winner = Bam Bam Bigelow via headbutt

Brian Ricco interviews Bigelow after the match and he's flat out exhausted after having to wrestle in that heat.

The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs Dusty Wolfe & Big Bobby (?)

The Black Harts? Is that like Owen Hart and and emo version of Bret Hart? Albano thinks top-rope moves should be illegal and then complains about things being unfair. Didn't this dude discuss how he used to manage cheaters all the time?

Winners = The Black Harts via double-team

Fat dude was too fat for them to execute their double-team finisher properly.

Brian Ricco wants some info on The Black Harts because he's a crack journalist that doesn't do research on his own. Luna just screams at him like she's reading from a Tolkien novel. It's fucking great!

How was Stone Cold not a blockbuster hit and 'The Boz' not a huge star??

Captain Lou's Corner
Bam Bigelow is here. He's on a diet because he wants to eat people. Albano thinks Bigelow will be the champion, but he also thinks the UWF will sponsor the Sportschannel Champ or something...

Boris Zhukhov is pleased to be in the UWF. I bet you are pleased to actually have a job in 1991. He wants to pin people.

Boris Zhukov vs Big V
Zhukov does the classic "everybody stand for my foreign country's national anthem!"

Albano just makes fart noises, then starts insulting Herb? He uses the same gawdam insults he's been using all through the show. He and Herb just start yelling at each other about how great the UWF is. Which is why Boris fucking Zhukov vs Big V is your main event.

Winner = Boris Zhukov via pinfall following clothesline from behind

Brian interviews Zhukov and he manages to say he's number one before we have to go to commercials.

And the show is over! The Power Twins were supposed to wrestle, but "time has pinned them". Classic.

Thoughts:

• Craig and Capt Lou should never commentate together again. Ever.
• On a show that generally looks cheap and unpopular, outdoor wrestling in front of 50 people just took it to a whole new level.
• WCW was certainly better than this.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 25

UWF Fury Hour Episode 25, 22nd April 1991

We open with a recap of the previous episode's ending, except this time there is no commentary and it actually makes the whole thing look a wild brawl. Herb is most upset about what happened to Don Muraco.

Don Muraco says he is all about getting involved.

Don't stick your nose Terry Gordy's business! He rambles and stutters for so long - including some sort of world tour where you can't stick your nose in his business - that they eventually fade out.

Tonight we will see Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy! Call me a pessimist, but I highly doubt that match is ending cleanly...

Craig and Bruno are here to talk more about the upcoming UWF Sportschannel TV Washing Machine Champion tournament. Bam Bam Bigelow is here tonight and Bruno thinks he is one of the favourites to win the tournament. Bam Bam the TV Champ has a certain ring to it. Craig keeps trying to start rumours that Bruno is entering the tournament himself. Stop trying to disappoint me! Herb doesn't listen, and instead runs down the shittiest list of wrestlers possible. Except for Bam Bam Bigelow, of course.

Captain Lou Albano cuts a stupid long promo for his hotline.

The Beach Brawl is coming!

Pretty sure it's just been 10 minutes of promos and shilling so far.

John Tolos calls Cactus Jack "Nuts". And that's what he wants in his "stable".

Chris Michaels vs Cactus Jack
Advertising tickets for Beach Brawl is more important than watching this match, apparently. And by "apparently" I mean it absolutely is because I'm pretty sure they aren't selling any. Cactus Jack does a leap to the "hard cement floor".

Winner = Cactus Jack via countout

Michael Keaton playing a tough cop, while Sylvester Stallone is doing a silly comedy? 1991 was backwards world!

Why, yes - I would pay $2 to talk to Bruno Sammartino. About anything. Even the UWF.
Especially about the UWF.

The Power Twins vs S.D. Jones (w/Mr. Haiti) & Johnny B. Good
One of the twins gets into it with Herb ringside. Bruno thinks maybe Herb didn't buy a ticket.

John Tolos joins the commentary team YAY! He thinks everyone else should retire. TV is for "beautiful people" so Bruno and Craig should be maybe allowed to do radio instead. Johnny B. Good is such a pro he can barely get in the ring. Holy moly he may actually be the worst-looking wrestler I have ever seen - and I've watched 24 episodes of the UWF! The Director agrees and plugs Beach Brawl tickets instead of showing the match.

Winners = The Power Twins via double duplex and elbow combo

S.D. Jones did absolutely nothing while his partner got destroyed. Great comeback, Jones! He gets on the mic but there is no possible way anyone watching this could understand anything and the commentators don't even bother to repeat it. Oh wait - looks like he's calling The Power Twins back to the ring to fight him alone. Where was this fighting spirit when your tag-team partner was getting embarrassed? Mr. Haiti offers to be Jones' partner and "Lenny The Matchmaker" makes it official... but The Power Twins just bail.

The shit sound system was one thing, but having Bruno and Craig talk over the whole time when even they didn't know what was happening did not help.

'Mr. Wonderful' reminds you to drink that thick rich milkshake.

Captain Lou's Corner
S.D. Jones is back. He and Albano just talk over each other while saying nothing, except that they like each other a hell of a lot more than I like either of them.

Jeebus now we get another promo for Albano's "rapline". I promise you, half of this show has just been people shilling shit.

THE BEACH BRAWL! Now with added seagull and waves sound effects for more beach!

Bam Bam Bigelow vs Afa 'The Wild Samoan' (w/Samu)
Bigelow beats up both Samoans while the commentators talk about New York.

Winner = Bam Bam Bigelow via disqualification

People try to throw Paul Orndorff around so he has to stay buffed to make sure it doesn't happen.

The UWF wrestlers are serious about training at The Power Shack.

"Tell your cable operator you want to see The Beach Brawl!" so they can laugh at you?

The Cheetah Kid vs The Beast
Battle of the jungle? Craig and Bruno spend half the match wondering if The Beast is hiding an international object, then he uses one and they still can't figure it out. The Cheetah Kid is a combo of aerial moves at turtle speed.

Winner = The Cheetah Kid via top rope senton or something that just kind didn't really look all that great

Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy
Muraco gets the upper hand... so 'Dr. Death' comes out and attacks him.

Winner = Don Muraco via disqualification

Beat down of Muraco to end the show.

Thoughts:

• I was pretty over the ads about 10 minutes in. Then they just kept going. 
• There may have been some wrestling on the show... but looking at these results, I don't think it was worthwhile.
• While I prepare this for posting, I'm listening to this. Incredibly fitting.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 22

UWF Fury Hour Episode 22, 1st April 1991

Craig and Bruno welcome some actual newcomers to the UWF this week: Afa 'The Wild Samoan' and Bam Bam Bigelow. Bruno thinks Bigelow's tattoos are unusual.

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs Captain Badd
Craig recommends you bring the whole family to the UWF tapings in Florida. Sure - if you want your family to split up and hate each other forever?

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via usual boring squash

This dude was already a bore in 1991; how on Earth did WWF in 1998 think a feud with Steve Austin was going to be money??

Afa 'The Wild Samoan' vs Carmine Albano
Craig assumes Afa doesn't watch this show, so continuously insults his looks. Bold strategy. It sounds like they're calling Albano "Galvano" or something; are they trying to pretend he's not Captain Lou Albano's nephew now? Because they were very open about it before. And he's got "C.A." on his boots.

Winner = Afa 'The Wild Samoan' via Samoan drop

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano is not happy to introduce 'Cowboy' Bob Orton. Albano seems to be blaming all his bad deeds on John Tolos. Orton can barely get his words out properly. This. Shit's. Not. Live. Orton claims to be the best wrestler of the last 7 years - weird flex, basically saying people pre-1984 were better. How is Albano shocked at Orton's bad behaviour, when the most famous point of his career was being a bad guy against Hulk Hogan. Orton says Albano is jealous of Tolos.

The Power Twins get asked questions and they're all none of your business. They will be the next tag-team champions. Where? There are no tag-team championships here in the UWF.

The Power Twins vs 'Corporal' Chris Michaels & Tom Brandi
John Tolos gets on commentary. Bruno tells him he and his brother were a great tag-team, but Bruno didn't appreciate their cheating ways.

Winners = The Power Twins via Power Ending, though it seems to be a different move to last time, so who knows

Ask The Wrestlers

Herb says the UWF is following in the spirit and tradition of pro-wrestling in the 50's and 60's. So pro-wrestling sucked back then, huh?

Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)
Bigelow looks like he may have trimmed down a bit - they keep saying he's 400 pounds, but he doesn't look it. Then again, I'm watching WCW and they say One Man Gang is 450 pounds and he looks about the same size as Bam Bam Bigleow, so I just don't know. Wrestlers be lying, yo! Orton and Tolos cheat and it's supposed to be hidden from the referee so as to explain them getting away with it, but it is actually all blatantly in front of the referee. Bruno says Bigelow has great recuperative powers. I keep telling y'all: being fat is the greatest weapon a pro-wrestler can have.

Draw via time limit expired

Some people are actually cheering? I guess dumb stuff is popular here!

Thoughts:

• Snore

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 17

UWF Fury Hour Episode 17, 11th February 1991

Tonight! We will see a bunch of matches we were supposed to see earlier - including the ending of that anticipated Mr. Wonderful/Dr. Death match they couldn't be bothered playing in full. But this week might be better because THE VIKING is here!

David Sammartino vs Louie Spicolli
Bruno claims David is unhappy with Larry Zybysko lying about retiring Bruno. He also questions David's strategy during the match and decides his son needs to put on a bit more weight.

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-4 leglock, which is why he worked on Spicolli's fucking arm for the whole match... 

Ivan Koloff vs Riki Ataki
Craig thinks Ataki may be a force to be reckoned with. He at least does get in a few moves today... but then Ivan does what Ivan does.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via Million Dollar Dream?

It's not easy being 'Mr. Wonderful'.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
We actually pick up where we left off last time and I have no idea what was happening then. Someone is bleeding and Craig and Bruno argue over who it is. It's so odd to wait so long to air the rest of the match - especially with this fucking finish.

Draw via double disqualification

All the jobbers come out to try and separate them.

Captain Lou's Corner
Captain Lou Albano knows about water! And here comes Sunny Beach. Why is a total redneck doing a surfer gimmick? Albano believes he is proof the UWF are bringing in the best of the best. I believe he is proof this is shit.

'Iceman' King Parsons vs Jobbery Jobjob
Herb informs us 'Mr. Wonderful' and 'Dr. Death' have signed the contract for a lumberjack match when the UWF returns to New York. Oh wow! Another match you'll make a total mess of. Colonel DeBeers is back and so is his eye patch? Bruno wants to see 'Iceman's reaction - Bruno wants some drama!

Winner = 'Iceman' King Parson via punch. Seriously.

And nothing happened with DeBeers... so that was pointless.

And then in one swift bumper, Herb Abrams shows me why he is the greatest promoter of all time:

'Mr. Wonderful' ain't no wimp!

THE VIKING vs The Intern
The Viking smashes a fan's seat with his hammer.

The Intern actually gets in a few moves - he even has The Viking wobbled! Da fuq?!? So The Viking slams him.

Winner = The Viking via powerslam

Bruno thinks that is the end of his internship. Hahahaha.

Ask The Wrestlers

Bruno puts over the wrestlers of his generation because he hasn't wrestled the UWF roster. And he's realistic.

'Chief' Jay Strongbow vs Barry O
Not even Herb or Craig have anything interesting to say about this match. And neither do I.

Draw via time limit expired

Thoughts:

• Fuck this show.