More WrestleMania March Madness

The Zombie of WrestleMania Future taunts me...

Bah gawd, I can't believe I'm going to do this again!

I attempted to review WrestleMania 34 or whatever it was 2 years ago. I honestly tried. But it was fucking boring and reminded me of how much I fucking hate WWE. Last year I gave AEW a chance, and while Double or Nothing was one of the absolute most awesome pro-wrestling shows I've seen in years, the remainder of their work has me thinking I just don't enjoy modern pro-wrestling. It's terrible. Just a bunch of dudes and dudettes doing a bunch of planned spots before doing the next planned spot and then a bunch of predictable shit happens and it ends and the pro-wrestling fans act like it was the greatest thing in the ever. Pro-wrestling fans are stupid. Especially WWE fans; they think my reviews of the previous WrestleManias are incorrect and unfair! So I said "Fuck you, bLog of WrestleManias!" and happily ignored the last year and accepted I would never have to review one again.

And then along came COVID-19...

At first, I was like, 'OK I might consider doing this if WrestleMania gets cancelled. I'm working from home, so I have some time'. But then WWE made an announcement I couldn't possibly ignore:

WrestleMania 2020 to take place from the WWE Performance Center with NO CROWD IN ATTENDANCE.

Holy fuck that sounds like a trainwreck of bahgawdful proportions.

And I live for it.

Imagine goofs like The Miz coming out and pointing to the no one in the crowd; wrestlers killing themselves for a dangerous spot so the no one can chant "This is awesome" during their otherwise boring match; The H Bomb having a ludicrous over the top entrance so as to impress the no one in attendance.

Sadly, what that means is I need to review the last 2 WrestleManias to stay complete. I did actually prepare a draft for WrestleMania 34 - even made my flatmate watch it with me and added her comments. But I was so bored I couldn't be bothered making the gifs and doing awards. So I'm going to rewatch and then probably offer an entirely new review. Because I kinda feel adding someone else to the mix isn't consistent with the other 33 reviews I did.

WrestleMania 35 I have not seen. And I barely know anything about.

And that would also mean watching another 14 hours of WrestleMania before the embarrassment of WrestleMania 36 - so I should be in a hell of mood to mock the shit out of it!

Will your hero survive and waste another 3 days of his life writing about 21 hours of television that he doesn't enjoy? Or will he crumble under the pressure and go back to his leisurely life of cats and the 1978 Formula One World Championship?

Stay tuned to find out!

*** UPDATE ***

I just read that WrestleMania will now be taking place over two nights.
What in the actual FUCK IS THIS?!?!
How am I supposed to treat this? Still just do one day to watch the whole event or treat them as two separate entities and watch over multiple days?

I'm confused...

WrestleMania March Madness, Day Twenty-Two: WrestleMania XXII

2 April 2006
Allstate Arena
Rosemont, Illinois - USA

Attendance: 17,159

Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry 'the King' Lawler, Michael Cole & Tazz

My thoughts before this viewing:
I've not seen this show before so can't really offer too much in the way of thoughts. The card doesn't scream excitement, that's for sure.

America the Beautiful
Michelle Williams is here to sing for us. She is from Destiny's Child - she is the one no one ever cares about or even remembers. And it would seem there is a good reason why. Stick to backup vocals, Michelle.
3/10

Opening Video Package
Oh great, another Vince McMahon match. This really isn't looking good.
3/10

Opening Match
World Tag Team Championship
Kane & Big Show vs Carlito & Chris Masters
Well at least one tag championship match made the card this year, I guess.

Chris Masters is the master of the Full Nelson. Because this is 1989 and that is the best submission hold we can come up with. Go try that in a UFC match and see where it gets you.
Winners = Kane & Big Show via pinfall following boredom
3/10

Backstage
Coach is talking with Shawn Michaels, who yells about praying to God because he sucks at promos.
2/10

Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Matt Hardy vs Shelton Benjamin vs Finlay vs Rob Van Dam vs Bobby Lashley vs Ric Flair
More ladder match insanity featuring the baffling daredevil spots of Shelton Benjamin.

Matt Hardy injures Ric Flair, removing him from the match and making me a fan of Matt Hardy again. Oh no, Ric Flair is back - guess I'll go back to not liking Matt Hardy
Winner = Rob Van Dam
7/10

Backstage
Josh Matthews talks to Randy Orton and I am immediately bored. Batista comes in and says something. Fuck these guys.
1/10

The Hall of Fame inductees for 2006 are introduced. Bret Hart still hates WWE and decided that appearing at WrestleMania wasn't right. Good for him!

US Championship
Chris Benoit (c) vs JBL (w/Jillian Hall)
JBL mocks the late Eddie Guerrero. Fuck this guy.
Winner = JBL via cheating pin
New Champion!
3/10

I think that may have been the worst Chris Benoit match I have ever seen.
Fuck this show.

Video Package
Edge is angry with Mick Foley because Edge lost to John Cena. That makes sense.
3/10

Hardcore Match
Mick Foley vs Edge (w/Lita)
Remember when Mick Foley retired?
Joey Styles joins us on commentary and he is possibly the worst commentator of all time. Just a lot of hardcore nonsense like thumbtacks and a flaming table.

Winner = Edge via pinfall outside the ring? I didn't know that was legal
3/10

Backstage
Booker T takes his wife on a tour of all the stupidity that is WWE.
-1/10

Mixed-Tag Team Handicap Match
The Boogeyman vs Booker T & Sharmell

The Boogeyman is announced as being from "a bottomless pit" - do they even have a wrestling commission in bottomless pits? I used to jump a stack of those in Pitfall and don't remember ever seeing a Boogeyman. I used to fall in them, too. Never did manage to complete that game. Perhaps that could be added to the list...
Winner = The Boogeyman via gross
1/10

Video Package
Mickie James is Trish Stratus' crazed lesbian stalker.
8/10

WWE Women's Championship
Trish Stratus (c) vs Mickie James
Jerry Lawler compares Mickie James to Mark David Chapman - the guy that killed John Lennon. Because we haven't offended enough dead people tonight. Jim Ross calls the crowd "defiant" because they are cheering for Mickie James; dude, she is wearing a super short skirt and is portrayed as a lesbian that makes out with Trish - do you really think your predominantly male audience is going to boo that?
Winner = Mickie James via botchtastic ending
New Champion!
5/10

Jim Ross is super pissed at the crowd.

Backstage
Vince McMahon has been living in a tanning bed while eating steroid sandwiches. I would like him to die.
-4/10

Casket Match
Undertaker vs Mark Henry
Undertaker's entrance includes the druids and shit, and it looks like his magical powers may be back.

I'd care but we all know where this is going.
Winner = Undertaker via casket work
4/10

There is a pay per view where you can watch the 'divas' strip to their underwear. That is sad.

Video Package
Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels are bad dudes but Vince is annoyed because Shawn found God? Doesn't stop him from being a scum bag as well.
2/10

No Holds Barred
Shawn Michaels vs Vince McMahon
I'm guessing they put Michaels against Vince this year because they wanted him to finally get cheered at WrestleMania since his return. I will boo both men, thank you very much. There are some big "You screwed Bret!" chants - I guess those are directed towards both men?
Is every match a hardcore match now just with different ways of saying it?
Winner = Shawn Michaels via bloody beating on Vince
3/10

Video Package
Rey Mysterio won the Royal Rumble and then lost his title shot to Randy Orton. Teddy Long feels sorry for him so added him to the title match at WrestleMania anyway. Teacher's pet...
3/10

Musical Performance
P.O.D. are here to perform Rey Mysterio's theme. I thought there were sound problems but it would seem this theme originally did just have clean guitar for the first half. It's better when it rocks a bit more.
4/10

World Heavyweight Champion
Rey Mysterio vs Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle (c)
Rey comes out dressed all 'Aztec Warrior' which is kinda cool, except he is so short that it looks like a kid playing dress-up.

The commentators call the crowd "weird" because they are very clearly supporting Kurt Angle and not Rey Mysterio the way WWE want them to. That's because this crowd is smart and appreciate how awesome Kurt Angle is. He doesn't botch his moves like Mysterio.

And he doesn't win like Mysterio.
Winner = Rey Mysterio via pinfall following hurricnrana
New Champion!
8/10

Chavo and Vicki Guerrero come out because we need to exploit Eddie's death some more.
I think the belt might be bigger than Rey.

Jim Ross tries to say John Cena has main-evented 2 WrestleManias; he opened 20 and he was in the co-main event of 21 - that is hardly main-eventing both shows. Jim Ross then goes on to say John Cena was the first person to listen to hip-hop in his hometown. Well, he probably grew up in rich white suburbia during the late eighties. I doubt they were very progressive in his neighbourhood. Jim Ross continues by defending John Cena against the crowd, saying they are probably "fans of traditional pro-wrestling" and that's why they are booing him. SHUT UP, JIM ROSS!

Playboy Pillow Fight
Torrie Wilson vs Candice Michelle
Lilian Garcia fucks up both their entrances because she is the worst announcer ever. Jim Ross admits he reads Playboy and Jerry Lawler says the women look different with their clothes on.
Oh fuck this show.
Winner = Torrie Wilson via pinfall following stripping
-1/10

Video Package
Triple H still has that stupid facial hair going on. John Cena is the underdog. Get used to that over the next few shows...
3/10

WWE Championship
John Cena (c) vs Triple H
We are treated to the most outlandish and ridiculous over the top entrances possible. First, the H bomb comes out on a ludacris throne doing his best Conan the Barbarian impersonation.

Then after a video telling us how awesome the gangsters of the 1940's were, an old school car comes out and unloads CM Punk and some other goofs dressed as 'gangsters' with their tommy guns.

John Cena comes out with a gun as well.

I thought he was all about being a positive role model? I'm not sure how awful gangsters that robbed, stole, killed and strong-armed people to get their own way symbolise 'hustle, loyalty & respect'.
The H bomb goes for a low blow and I'm pretty sure he legitimately hit the referee in the balls by mistake.

Jim Ross can't remember anyone ever kicking out of John Cena's FU before - try WrestleMania XX when the Big Show did. You guys never pay attention to anything that happens. You are all stupid.
Winner - John Cena via submission
3/10

And people are like "WTF?!?"

Bahahaha people are in serious shock.
John Cena ignores them and celebrates while his rapping blares over the speakers to send us out.

WrestleMania XXII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Kurt Angle vs Randy Orton vs Rey Mysterio
   I would have preferred it without all the exploitation of Eddie Guerrero's death, but it was still the best on this show by far.
2. Worst Match
   Chris Benoit vs JBL
   I am saying this match because Chris Benoit shouldn't be having shitty matches with shitty people making shitty gestures to get heat at the expense of a dead man.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Seeing CM Punk in a suit and hat pretending to be a 40's gangster with a toy gun.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   All the moments that involved Eddie Guerrero.
5. Star of the Show
   The crowd for just rejecting everything WWE threw at them.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   No celebrities this year. Probably would have killed their careers.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   No celebrities this year. Not even Rob Schneider could lower himself to attend this show.
8. Tonight's Meal
   This morning I tried again with the breakfast wrap; hash brown, scrambled egg, spinach, mushrooms, tomato and spaghetti in tomato sauce. Was quite good, probably needed some seasoning. 7-Up was again the beverage of choice and is not how I recommend anyone start their day. The Chips Ahoy with Reeses' peanut butter was delicious.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Still looking the same. I did well to avoid getting more food on it today. I like that I congratulate myself for doing something every normal person seems capable of doing.
10. Overall Score
    I was bored with this show. There were legitimately only 2 matches of interest - and even then, one was based around the death of a professional wrestling great. Having a dude cut a promo about how that dude is in hell? Not cool. Having a dude mock the way he moved just so the crowd would boo? Not cool. I was just flat out bored with this show. It makes me very glad I was not watching during this time period. And now I just read that the awesome Perro Aquayo Jr has died. Fuck this show.
    3.5 out of 10
    
    
    

I Have a Plan

I can’t even remember when I last bLogged…

It really is a travesty that I don’t do this anymore. For you, the reader, anyway. So to further my belief that the world needs to be a better place I would like to publicly apologise and offer my intent to bLog a bit more. I at least have one major plan in the works.

30 WrestleManias in 30 Days

I think I came up with the idea for this a couple of years ago and have been anxiously awaiting the 30th WrestleMania finally taking place next year. All this planning and anticipation has led me to constantly make changes – and it is quite likely more will come in the next 6 months. Originally I had looked at making it a full journey through March because I thought it would time nicely with WrestleMania XXX airing on 30th March (US time) and then I could find a friend with Sky whose house I could invade and watch the event live for the first time ever.

Alas, my old friends Vince McMahon and HHH must have known of my intent and decided WrestleMania XXX would be best taking place the following Sunday. Jerks.

Instead, this ridiculous viewing marathon will begin April 1st (NZ time) which happens to be the 29th anniversary of when the first one took place. That is cool. Also means I won’t have to pay lots of money so I can watch WrestleMania XXX live – even cooler (thanks, Vince). Plus I am taking half of April off work due to Easter and my birthday (which I always take off) which will make it easier to watch these long shows in the evening, instead of having to rush home and get ready and then go to bed directly after the show. Because that wouldn’t happen. And then by the end of the 30 days I would just be tired and grumpy. Especially after watching a bunch of crappy WrestleManias.

After each show I will be coming on here to write about what I have just watched, rate the matches and show, etc. Because there aren’t enough wrestling reviews out there on the internet.

Of course, Logman likes to make things more interesting/difficult for himself, so in order to approach all 30 WrestleManias with the same attitude I will view them all in the same manner; I will have the same meal, drink the same drinks, and wear the same clothes. Yes, you heard me – I am going to wear a WrestleMania logo t-shirt for the entire duration of the shows. That isn’t to say I will wear it all day every day, most likely just for the actual shows themselves. I expect by WrestleMania XXX the t-shirt will be covered in all sorts of stains and smells, but that is the price I will pay. For food, I am planning on making burgers and fries for each show. I am still undecided on drink; the last few WrestleManias I have watched while drinking Corona, but I feel being a Mexican beer it isn’t really applicable to this show and should be saved for when I am watching Lucha Libre, and there aren’t any other beers I enjoy drinking (especially American beers). Pepsi Max will most likely be the drink of choice, but please feel free to offer suggestions.

As for each WrestleMania, I don’t plan on doing a play-by-play for every match – if you want that there are a million other sites that can give you that. Plus, half of my readers really don’t care about pro-wrestling. Instead I will just make note of the key points, make fun of stuff that deserves it (like Vince McMahon’s clothing and toupees) and then offer the following awards for every show:

1. Best match
2. Worst match
3. Highlight of the Show
4. Lowlight of the Show
5. Star of the Show
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
8. Meal Rating
9. T-shirt Cleanliness
10. Overall Score

Then, once all 30 have been watched and enjoyed and made fun of, I will make an overall list of awards:

1. Best Match (including the Top 3)
2. Worst Match (including the Bottom 3)
3. Favourite Moment (with Honourable Mentions)
4. Most Embarrassing Moment (with Honourable Mentions)
5. Best WrestleMania
6. Worst WrestleMania
7. Total Number of Different Wrestlers (not really an award, but screw you I think that will be interesting)
8. Number of different celebrities (see above, minus the interest)
9. Most WrestleMania Appearances by a Wrestler (including Win/Loss Ratio)
10. Mr. WrestleMania* Award for Outstanding Awesomeness

This should be fun.

I’m in the midst of trying to track down live versions of as many WrestleManias as possible, because the ones I currently have are mostly the WWE Anthology versions which all have edits to the music and commentary – and even some of the matches – and I like to be excessive about these things. I want to hear the original theme every time Demolition come to the ring!

The real fun should be some of these I’ll be seeing with fresh eyes; believe it or not, I’ve only seen the first WrestleMania once (and that was the edited Anthology version), some I have only seen once or twice, while I’ve still not seen 21 through to 25. It will make for interesting viewing. I’m actually very excited to see all the 80’s and 90’s ones again. Not so much anything after that…

Until then, I may post every so often with hilarity. But I’ve just started watching the original series of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from the start and plan to finish the last episodes of that 31st March (see what I’m doing?) and since the universe is probably going to kill me once that finishes, I am trying to make sure there are no loose ends left behind.



*Shawn Michaels likes to refer to himself as Mr. WrestleMania, as do many wrestling fans. Especially fans of Shawn Michaels. But I am going to look at win/loss records, as well as who has the best matches to finally determine who the real Mr. WrestleMania is. And it won’t be Shawn Michaels**




**Shawn Michaels is an overrated douchebag 

Lessons in Annoying LOGMAN part 53

Aaron
A workmate and colleague...
And by far the biggest jackass I have ever met. You know those people who know nothing about a subject, but because you do they talk about it like they do? Well, that is Aaron; a guy in his very late 30's (pretty sure he turned 39 this year) with a wife and 2 young children, who for some reason (mid-life crisis perhaps?) decided when he started working here that he too needed to become a guitarist. And that means that every damn day I have to hear some story about his friends who happen to be "awesome musicians" (whoopideedoo) and his own exploits with the guitar. Then there are days I have to hear about some crappy New Zealand band or artist that he is currently listening to. Hey guess what? I don't care.

A fellow guitarist and I have a code name for him when discussing his latest idiotic ramblings - Australian Wood is Crap Guy (or AWCG); for you see, he asked about my acoustic one day and decided he would never buy one like it because it is Australian made and "Australian wood is crap". Oh really, fool? So my acoustic guitar that I have owned for 8 years and traveled all over Australasia with and is still in great condition and sounds beautiful and in fact gets better as it gets older is "crap"? Am I the one that bought a Telecaster that 3 months later developed a split in the neck, despite a knowledgeable guitarist (i.e. ME) telling you not to buy it?

Shut the fuck up.

Oh what was that? Today you want to take your stupidity to a WHOLE NEW FUCKING LEVEL OF DOOM???

“Last night I played all 4 of my guitars AND my
ukulele!”

Yes, because that makes a huge difference to how much of a complete tool you are. I mean, obviously the way to get better as a guitarist is just play on a range of shitty guitars instead of playing on one good guitar for an extended period of time. And I'm sure your young boys love that you choose your guitars over spending time with them. Well done *clap clap*

“That sounds like a good mix of Heartbreak Hotel”

Ummmm so you are an expert in mixing now? And considering it is the ORIGINAL mix, and I'm listening to it through the damn speakers on a PC, WTF DO YOU KNOW??!?!?!!??!??!

Please, just go back to playing your hilarious songs about putting the kids in the Hilux and going up to the mountain. At least I can get a chuckle out of that stuff.


Some days I just want to punch him in the face he makes me so mad

Shut Up You Moron

So John Key was on Letterman last night and had this to say about New Zealand:

"Unlike the rest of world, we still like Americans"


Speak for yourself, dickhead

Americans Are STUPID

Paul McCartney Voted 'Best Beatle'

And dear GAWD some of the comments from people are ludicrous. Paul's "gotten better with age"? REALLY???


Retarded

To Kill a Mockingbird

So LOGMAN had free tickets to go to the Christchurch Repertory Theatre's production of To Kill a Mockingbird.

Being quite familiar with the story, but not overly familiar (I read the book back in High School, and have the seen the movie twice) I felt this would be a bit of an interesting experience. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to witness.

So the show opened with slides of black slaves with an old gospel recording of We Shall Overcome playing. This might have been a great way of building an emotional response in the audience before the play began... except the sound system in the Repertory is awful. It is like a couple of speakers taken out of an old car have been put on the wall and mixed through a cardboard box. You are unlikely to even appreciate Queen Live at Wembley through those so you can imagine how much emotion this stirred in me.

Then we begin the show, and I am immediately drawn to my most biggest peeves of all peeves when it comes to acting: accents.

I've always had the opinion that if you can't do an accent, don't try. And if your whole cast are incapable of doing an accent, then you best just scrap the whole idea. Obviously the directors of this play do not share my disdain for such inconsistencies, as for the next 2 hours I got to listen one boy mush his words so bad that at times he just sounded like a cockney young boy from Oliver Twist, an old man that sounded like he had just come down from the Highlands, and old ladies that didn't know if they were American or New Zealanders. Apart from Atticus, NO ONE IN THE ENTIRE CAST was capable of doing a convincing southern accent for more than a few words, some even less. Fortunately, the worst of the accents was to come in the 2nd half of the play...

Next thing that impressed me was the women wearing shoe polish to look African-American. Classy.

Wait! Here comes a legitimate black man! Yes, the one Maori person to be cast in this play was - for some reason - placed in the role of the Reverend. At first I questioned why he wasn't automatically given the role of Tom Robinson (the black man accused of raping and beating Mayella Ewell), but once he too attempted to create a southern accent by speaking like Kermit the Frog with a blocked nose - and thus causing LOGMAN to suffer a bout of hysteria - I found the casting decision a bit more agreeable. But seriously, is Christchurch suffering from that much inherent 'white pride' that they can't even let Maori people be part of their theatre scene?

At this stage LOGMAN is asking himself 'How could this possibly get more enjoyable?'

And then the gods of theatre answered my question, when Atticus Finch walked on stage... looking like Colonel Sanders

Colonel
Mutha fucking
Sanders

I kid you not; the guy looked like he was wearing a Colonel Sanders outfit. And a cheap one at that.

To the actor's credit, his performance was the strongest and he handled his accent well. But the costume just left me waiting for him to say something like "Tom Robinson is an innocent man... just like my 13 secret herbs and spices"

ON TO THE TRIAL and bah gawd Alan Partridge is prosecuting! "I call to the stand Mayella Ewell.. A-HA!!!" Oh how I wish he had done that. Another Colonel Sanders lookalike serves as the judge - I believe he might have been Admiral Sanders or something because he had a nice grey suit instead of his counterpart's chicken frying outfit. And this brought about a superb performance of Bob Ewell. And by superb, I mean a man with massive padding to make him look fat who spoke in an accent I couldn't define and delivering brilliant dialogue like "You are tricking me with your trickery!" like he was an extra on Shortland St. LOGMAN laughed some more.

After the 1st act plodded along with all the grace of Johnny Rotten with Mad Cow disease, I found the intermission a great chance to regain my senses and ponder what might happen in the 2nd half: would Tom Robinson be sent to his death? Would Oliver Twist ask for more supper? Would the people of Maycomb run out of shoe polish? Was Rambo going to save the day? I just couldn't wait!

So the 2nd act continued the trial and that meant it was time for Tom Robinson to take the stand. Again, the shoe polish effect was strong, as was the actor's constant moving of his lips to make them look big. Because, you know - African-Americans have big lips.

I kid you not.

And even better, I believe he had been watching Malibu's Most Wanted to get inspiration for his accent. I don't think I ever imagined Tom Robinson to sound so gangster in 1932 - bravo to you, young sir!

Of course the trial ended, lights faded, something happened that I couldn't understand because the children were talking and their accents were all over the place. Then Bob attacked and Boo Radley made his entrance like Jason in Friday the 13th. And looking like Don Johnson. Then again, it might have actually been Don Johnson... I mean, does anyone even know where he is these days?

I should also point out here that Boo Radley has barely been mentioned until now, apart from one boring occassion at the start of the play where the children were playing outside his house. I'm pretty sure he was a rather big deal in the book which made his appearance at the end all the more important...

And that was the end. But not before we got another performance of We Shall Overcome through the cardboard speakers of doom. But this time with slides from the Million Man March, and Martin Luther King, Jr, and Malcolm X and... Obama? Yes - it ended with a picture of Obama in the White House.

I guess the moral of the story is a black man was wrongly convicted and put to death so the USA could have a black President

Either way, it was a fun night for the whole family.

More Ways to Scare Off Friends

Apparently drunk chatting on Facebook also does the trick. Though I don't remember saying anything particularly offensive...

Simon Barnett is a Fool

I started writing a post about how awesome robots are, but for some reason I can't be bothered finishing it right now. Which is saying something, because robots really are awesome. Instead, I will just quickly mention the annoyingness of Simon Barnett and people who so clearly care about social status.

You see, this morning on the radio (which I actually happened to be listening to for once) Simon and Gary were talking with an American man with a strong environmental message; he had kept all his rubbish for a year and worked hard to find ways to limit the amount of rubbish he created (he got it down to some incredible figure that I can't recall right now). It was very interesting and something that people should be thinking about because recycling isn't the one final answer to our waste problems and humans should be doing what we can to cut down.

Then as they are wrapping up, instead of giving everyone his blog address or any sort of information on anything they talked about, how does Simon sign off?

"I read you were a cameraman on the movie Wedding Crashers. I'm a big fan of Owen Wilson, and it was really sad to hear about that incident with him last year. What's he like as a person?"

Are you for real, Simon? I realise you crazy pentecostal christians think rich and famous people are what we should aspire to be (hence you all love John Key so much) but was that really what that interview should have ended with? The final impression you want to leave with your listeners is not how they can help reduce their waste and thus promote environmental awareness - daresay, the reason this man spoke to you in the first place - but that Owen Wilson is funny and how cool it is to work in Hollywood???

Where's Mr. T to pity some fools when you need him...

Shoot. Me. Now.

Sure - sensational headlining that isn't really followed up anything major. But the statistics make me sad that people's priorities are this out of wack.

Sky TV finds recession easier than All Blacks losing

Russell Crowe + Ridley Scott = Retarded

I have respect for Ridley Scott; the man has done some great sci-fi films.

Unfortunately for him, Robin Hood is not a science fiction character.

I just finished reading this interesting interview with Ridley Scott. And by interesting, I mean not really; it's basically the usual yawn-ish arrogance from a Hollywood director, who is then asked about the upcoming production of Robin Hood (original title there). Now my gripe with this film since I first heard about it was of course that the awesome Russell Crowe was cast as Robin himself. I don't think I've liked Crowe in anything since he did that budget Australian film where he played a gay man that put his life on hold to look after his sick father (I can't remember the name right now. Sue me. Or disconnect my internet - just say I have infringed on your copyright and laugh all the way home. Unless you are already home; then just laugh your way to the couch or something)... where the hell was I? Oh yeah - I can't stand Russell Crowe. I don't even begin to understand the stupidity of casting the man as Robin Hood - it's actually making Kevin Costner look good right now. When he was supposed to be doing both parts, I did kind of see him as the Sheriff of Nottingham, but oh well...

But now Ridley Scott is saying crazy stuff like: '“Robin Hood is in the army of Richard Coeur de Lion,” he said of how we’ll find the character early in the film “He is a bowman in the army of Richard Coeur de Lion.”' And then there is that whole thing about the French being the villains...

So not only is this rogue a big ugly doofus, but he's in the army? And battling the French? Even a 5 year-old with access to Wikipedia could tell him that stories of Robin Hood actually show him to be from around the 14th or 15th Century - despite Scott going on to give us a history lesson that shows he about as much understanding of this era as Oliver Stone does of Alexander the Great, meaning they've probably read the same encyclopedia written by Donald Rumsfeld (you know, the one that also omits how the US were responsible for putting their dreaded nemesis Saddam Hussein in power in the first place. They didn't realise he wasn't a REAL American!)

Considering the awesomeness that this movie will possess, here some others they could cast to take the film to that 'blockbuster' position that it deserves:



Scott 'Big Poppa Pump' Steiner as 'Little' John

It's been a while since he of the negative percent body-fat has appeared on my blog, but who better to play the role of Robin's right-hand man? I can just hear him shouting at Robin now - "ROBIN HOOD! YOU 'N ME... GONNA GIT THIS RICH BASTARDS... AND GO FOR SOME ACTION WITH... WITH MAH FREEK, MAID MARION... HOLL A IF YA HEAR ME!!!" Plus he has his own medieval head-dress already.
And he hates France

Ben Stein as Friar Tuck

With Ridley Scott's blistering historical knowledge, he will be looking to cast this film in the most accurate manner. And what says 'Friar' better than a weedy old Jewish creationist who used to write speeches for Richard Nixon?

Hood?... Hood?... Hood?...

Judge Dredd as The Sheriff of Nottingham

The role may be a lot less important to Ridley Scott, but he will still need to be an authoritative character nonetheless, and Judge Dredd has authority stamped all over his helmet (it's on the inside - that's why you can't see it). Plus his outfit is weird - just a like French person! Probably gets all the ladies too, the bastard...

See?
You don't need to be a Hollywood director to make a movie look stupid.

The World Loves a Moron

First off, all those fans of The Killers I read on Stuff are full of crap; they all were saying how canceling the concert means they will no longer be fans and they are going to sell all their CDs on Trade Me But so far, no one has listed any. Doesn't matter to me as I have them all, but you people should have damn principles and do what you say you are going to do!

Secondly, this auction proves how stupid people can be, as while a large quantity of the bids are about half an hour after The Killers made their announcement (which I blame on a pre-existing auto-bid - I am willing to cut them a little slack), the current winning bid was made almost 3 hours later!

In saying that, if the guy bought the ticket from an actual outlet and NOT on the internet, the winning buyer would be able to take the ticket back to Ticketek and make a good $50 on the refund.

Either way, somebody is stupid.

Too Quick to Judge?

In a minor update, it would seem I gave some Christchurch residents even more credit than they deserved: This morning on my way to work, not only did I see more green recycling bins next to the new yellow bins (and in my area as well - so not even on the right day) but one resident had the great idea of using the old green bins for recycling and then filling their yellow bin with rubbish.

How do you people even remember how to breathe?

No wonder we have a Prime Minister who can't even walk down stairs.

Yr City's a Sucker...

Sometimes I wonder how much of colossal mistake it was to move to Christchurch; I mean sure, I got a free trip to Brisbane thanks to it, but otherwise I am often plagued by the decisions I have made whilst living in Christchurch that completely go against the personal and moral principles that I have developed over the last 29 years.

And Cantabrians are fucking stupid.

You see, at least the temporary abandonment of my socialist/anti-establishment attitudes that resulted in me trying to conform to bullshit propaganda that I hold so dearly in contempt has helped reinforce my original beliefs - and given me new reasons to laugh at right-wing religious nuts. That I can live with, and I am sure I will forgive myself in time. But the people of Canterbury... goddammit, sometimes they just make me weep for their future as a society. And nothing sums it up better than all the drama surrounding the new recycling system.

So let's take it from the top: last year the council announced the current rubbish bags/green recycling bin system was to be replaced with 3 different large wheelie bins. I didn't care at first, but upon closer investigation I saw the benefits - New Zealand is light years behind other parts of the world when it comes to recycling and it is about time we stepped up our game. But how did the general population of Christchurch react? Why, with complete disgust of course! For the last 6 months, The Press has been filled with articles regarding the system and constant letters complaining about various aspects - people have nowhere to put these bins and the majority find the whole thing confusing. Because, you know, 3 different coloured bins for your 3 different types of waste is a pretty radical concept!

Now as much as I bitch about how corrupt the Christchurch City Council are - and they most surely are - I think they have gone about the changes to the waste management very well; they sent out a large pamphlet with all the information on the bins and what type of waste goes in which, the sort of things you can recycle, and a calendar for collections . They even got the new recycling bins out months before the changeover and taped over the lids with a great big sticker that read "DO NOT USE UNTIL THE WEEK BEGINNING 2nd FEBRUARY 2009". So not only is it clear you start using it in February, but you also had a good couple of months to find out if your collection day had changed. And I can't count how many times the council advertised that the little green bins would no longer be collected once collection had started with the new bins (you know - 2nd February).

The week beginning 2nd February was of course last week. And what happened? People got confused and put out their green bins. And complained when they weren't collected. Most of the people in my area actually put their new yellow bins out on Monday - even though our collection is and has always been Wednesday. And my laughter at the public's inability to comprehend any form of change led to a rather telling conversation with a very lazy/snobbish Cantabrian (and for the record, we are talking someone approaching 40 here):

Me: "It's a great new system"
Fool: "Oh no it isn't - it's really confusing! Why give me a bin if I'm not supposed to use it? And how am I supposed to know when to use it?"
Me: "It says on the top that it started this week"
Fool: "Yes, but why won't they collect the green bins now? And there's all these new rules about your recycling..."
Me: "Like what?"
Fool: "Well, now you're supposed to rinse your recycling before you put it in the bin"
Me: "You should have been doing that all along, actually..."
Fool: "Well I'm not going to wash things - why should I have to wash out my cans? I'm just going to put them in the rubbish bin from now on - save the hassle"
Me: "How is that a hassle? Just run them under a tap and clean them out a bit-"
Fool: "Why should I have to wash the cans for my cat food? They're so smelly and yuk!"
Me: "!?!?!?!?"

The conversation did actually go on further, where we discussed why she was happy to have a bin for her rubbish because she refuses to handle dirty smelly rubbish bags. But to make this even funnier, this was someone who had just moved to a very posh area that isn't actually a part of the Christchurch City Council and therefore their rubbish WON'T EVEN BE COLLECTED BY THEM!!!


You wacky Cantabrians and your wacky logic - who needs common sense, eh?


To quote James Murphy, "Yr city's a sucker, my city's a creep"

If You TRULY Believe This

Pastor blames abortions for bushfires

Then you, sir, are a complete jackass and obviously did not lose anyone or anything in those fires. Any god that chooses to destroy the lives and cause incredible suffering for hundreds of creatures - humans and animals - most certainly won't be getting any praise and worship from me.

Who in the Dark Blue Hell is Jeremy Clarkson?

And why does he have to be on every single book and DVD I see???

The man should at least get a decent hairstyle if he plans on having so much public exposure...

Tales From NZ - The Land of Idiots

Looking at all this furore over Tony Veitch beating the stuffing out of his partner in 2006, I find one thing very interesting:

Namely, so many people think he is still a "great guy" and that this is no one's business. Furthermore, that he shouldn't be prosecuted because he paid her so much money and has said he is sorry.

I'm sorry, but what freekin' century is this country stuck in?!?! Have we all gone backwards and decided that hitting a woman is OK? How about knocking her to the ground and repeatedly kicking her with such force that she suffers broken vertebrae and head injuries - is that what a "great guy" does??? Or was it the fact that he gave her $100,000 to keep her mouth shut so he wouldn't lose her job? Yeah I guess that was pretty "great"

I am honestly sickened by the reaction by people of this country. On the radio the other night, countless women called in to say that people should just leave him alone and that if she didn't press charges then it must be OK. Yes, I'm sure that's why she didn't press charges - I wouldn't be at all afraid of someone who had just beaten me to the point where I had a broken back and couldn't walk.

The other common argument in his defence is 'If he was just an average guy not on TV then no one would care.'

WRONG! And on so many levels.

Firstly, if he were not on television it would still be reported by police and therefore public knowledge. And a court case that garners public attention, as such a violent crime would, is not going to be attractive to ANY employer.

Secondly, the fact is this guy IS on television every night (and the radio as well) and as such has the public image of his employers at stake. Would you hire Mike Tyson to present your sports news? No. And not just because his speech is mangled and less intelligent than an old man eating a box of marbles. You wouldn't hire him to do that job because it would make your station look completely bogus to have it fronted by a nut job that beats women.

And thirdly, if this was just an average guy from down the road you would all condemn him and expect him to be prosecuted. I hope.


And if it is indeed true that TVNZ knew about this incident long before the public, then someone needs to answer some questions over there too.

Maybe Tony Veitch can place a big rugby ball under his arm and the hell off my TV as well?

I'm Right! Now Get Lost

I had to laugh this morning...

Everytime I bash rugby, people tell me how much money it brings the country - despite the fact that 'the country' doesn't actually see that money, but the rugby clubs and and players with their ludicrous salaries do. Sure tourism can help, but I doubt many people come to New Zealand specifically to see the Canterbury Crusaders play against the Auckland Blues. If they do, then they need to be shot on entry to the country.

Anyways, despite all the claims about how profitable rugby is for our country, the NZRU released a report today stating that last year's Super (crappy) 14 lost them $10 million. Wow. Good to know those billions of dollars spent promoting the sport are worthwhile.

This renews my anger at the New Zealand government putting $20 million into the redevelopment of Eden Park for the Rugby World Cup. Oh yeah sure, you can all try and tell me just how much tourism the competition brings into the country - and I will always just tell you to go read how much tourism it brought to Australia in 2003. The answer? WAY under what they expected. In fact, their numbers actually dropped by 2% from the previous year. The Tourism Minister at the time tried to pretend that any increases they saw was a benefit of the World Cup, but last year even the Australian Rugby Union admitted that they lost money by hosting the cup there.

$20,000,000 is a lot of money that this country could use for something a whole lot better, especially at this time when we are looking more and more like a third-world country every day. I keep waiting to see a World Vision ad with that big grey hairy dude, and he goes up to some little kid and says "This is Tania - say 'Hi', Tania' "Hi" ' Tania lives in Wainoni with her Parents, her Grand-parents, her cousins and her next door neighbours. They stay inside all day because they can't afford to use the car, and they don't use the lights because they can't afford to pay for the electricity. They had to sell all their furniture so they could buy fruit and vegetables last week"

Seriously though, why do my taxes have to go towards a game I hate just because some people wanted to make a living doing something stupid and are now finding that it doesn't make money? Curses to you, rugby and your year long season of doom!

I hope they keep losing more and more money. Take your incompetent business abilites and get the hell out of my life!

Nazi's Should At Least Be Consistent

With the recent threat of power shortages and all that malarkey, our forest tech guy in the office has started getting on his high horse about our power consumption - as in, when he leaves he turns off the light in other people's offices if they are out, telling people off when they leave something on, etc. I don't have any problem with this - I am a firm believer in environmental awareness (as well as other forms of mental awareness). But what I find most entertaining is this:

When he goes home every night, he refuses to turn off his TWO 22 inch wide screen monitors.

Needless to say, I chuckle quite a bit every night. It's like dude, you are getting annoyed because someone leaves on a 60 watt light bulb, yet you can't turn off the biggest power suckers in your office? Not like turning them means you can't turn them back on in the morning.

And now all I'm thinking about it is the classic Alan Partridge line: "Needles to say... I took drugs"*

I hate it when a funny moment of a TV show completely takes precedent over something to the point where the mention of one word or line will be associated with that funny TV show moment for the rest of your life. What's worse, is how my flatmate can basically twist anything I say into a conversation from Corner Gas. She really needs to get out more.

This from a guy who has based all his love and relationship advice on what he has learnt watching Felicity.

But it works, dammit.
Next time you have relationship troubles, come to Dr. LogLove and test his Felicity theory for yourself. Comes with a 60 day money back guarantee



*for those who don't know, that line is when Alan and another woman are on a talk show discussing their auto-biographies; hers documenting her drug addiction, and his following his complete failure in life. When she comments that all his anecdotes end with "Needless to say, I had the last laugh" he tries to come back with "Your book could have said 'Needles to say... I took drugs'". Not quite as funny as the whole "I forgot - you're not Bono" line, or "Fe-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an ungrateful bunch of bastards!" but still, quality television

Your Kids are Stupid? Then Don't Take Them to the Movies

The other night I went to the cinema for the first time in many, many months. In fact, it has been so long since I went to see a movie, that I can not recall the last time I did.

Anyways, it was such an exciting experience that I was steadily reminded of the 2 main reasons I never go to movies any more:

1. People take children to movies they aren't interested in seeing because the parents can't find babysitters. So said children talk and fidget all through the movie and piss Logan off like they've been playing with his 20th anniversary Optimus Prime.

You see, next to me was a young boy and his idiot young father. And for the duration of the entire movie, aside from the boy stamping his feet on the ground and constantly reshuffling himself and his noisy jacket of doom, the man was having to explain all that was happening to his son. And I'm not just saying complex things (it was Indiana Jones, after all) but crap like the boy asking his dad "Who's Oxley?" when they had only been talking about him for about 40 minutes and Indy and his son had been going into GREAT detail about who Oxley was and what he meant to them both only 10 minutes earlier. I almost turned to him and said "Oxley is my boot and he is going to be stomping your ugly face in if you don't shut your pie-hole!!!"

I had the same problem when I first went to see Return of the King; some idiot kid kept asking his mother to explain the movie to him the whole way through. I don't get why parents insist on taking their children to movies far beyond their mental capacity. If I had children and they dared to ask me stupid questions during Kill Bill, they would get a samurai sword through the eye.

It is also beyond me why parents think it is acceptable to take their children to long movies so late at night - I go to later showings to avoid stupid annoying people and their annoying stupid little brats, only to find that some parents insist on their children living the same crappy life as them. Seriously, would you take a child to see Return of the King if it started at 8pm on a Tuesday night? Or Indiana Jones and the Long Movie of Doom at a similar time??

Sure, my dad took me to see all 3 original Star Wars movies late at night when I was 5, but that's because he has no parenting skills.

2. People refuse to turn off their cellphones.

I've said it before and I will no doubt say it many more times before I am murdered by a crazed religious nut - human beings these days have a sick dependency on their cellphones. And it is never better shown than in a movie theatre, where people will either txt the whole time or turn on their phone as soon as the movie is over. The next time you go, watch the crowd and laugh as you will see everyone turn on their phones at the same time. But anyways, what really bugs me is having to see people's big bright cellphone screens glow while they txt away thinking they aren't bothering anyone.

NEWSFLASH: PEOPLE CAN SEE LIGHTS!!!
Idiots.

But really, why is it people can't handle breaking away from their phones for 2 hours to watch something they have paid $17 to see?


Of course, nothing will ever compare to my worst movie-going experience ever, which involved a group of drunk people in the front row drinking and yelling, walking around and yelling to each other, and then lighting up joints periodically. Good times.