UWF Fury Hour: Episode 45

UWF Fury Hour Episode 45, 12th July 1992

I'm pretty sure they are just using the same opening introduction from Craig and John Tolos each week. It's always something about guys being bigger and bigger. At least Herb gives us a rundown of the wrestlers for each show and they are all so very exciting!

Apparently, "this match would be a main event anywhere in the world!". Is that world in the Shitburger Universe?

The Nightstalker vs Death Row 3260
There is some music edited in and it is so funky I think it should be Death Row's theme song. Or the UWF theme song. Or my theme song? Tolos says The Nightstalker has "style that can't be bought at a drugstore". Unlike his steroids? "Style" is exactly what I think of when I see big dude walking around in black underpants and carrying a big toy axe. They wrestle for a bit and then decide to just stand in the middle of the ring and look at each other for 2 minutes. Death Row rolls around the ring after being stomped and it's fucking hilarious. Then Tolos starts going nuts over it, which makes it more hilarious. Then Death Row misses the worst splash ever and it's even more fucking hilarious.

The Nightstalker grabs his toy axe, but Craig thinks it is a fucking hatchet. Motherfucker can't even call inanimate objects correctly.

Winner = Death Row 3260 via disqualification.

The Nightstalker attempts to use his plastic axe to chop up Death Row, but he is prevented by 'Dynamite' David Perry. So Death Row now has an ally? Will this make him less angry? All he ever needed was someone to understand him... and to make 'the man' pay for putting him in jail.

'Pistol' Pez Whatley vs Vladimir (not Nikita) Koloff
The sound-mix somehow has the commentators buried beneath everything. But it seems Craig is upset because Colonel Red wouldn't let him weigh and measure Koloff or something. This is actually hilarious; they are giving Vladimir a whole new backstory, like he isn't the same dude that was on the show a year ago. Wait - they just said he's Nikita's brother? Apparently Colonel Red beat up Herb so badly it resulted in Herb being taken to the hospital. I don't remember this - perhaps it will air later this episode? Or a later episode? Or not at all, knowing this editing team. Maybe this Vladimir dude is not actually Nikita - because he is way worse than Nikita ever was.

Draw via double-countout.

A bunch of dudes come out to put an end to their brawling.

Sunny Beach vs Barry Horowitz
Holy fuck, what a combo of skill and charisma! Hey Beach - where's the surfboard gone? You're nothing without it. Sunny Beach says he's been in Japan, but he didn't like their beaches. Well, I don't like your beach! Tolos calls a roll-up a "super great finishing move". It doesn't get Horowitz the win, so it can't be that "super".

Winner = Sunny Beach via roll-up and holding the tights.

Tolos was right! I shouldn't question the man.
Tolos is very angry with Sunny Beach for cheating, but then is like "Hey, you gotta win here in the UWF so good for him!" OK?

Herb and Captain Lou Albano want you to call the Powerline because they are proud men.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray (w/Sunny Beach) vs Helmet Hessler (w/Kevin Casey)
Why didn't Wild Thing come out to help Sunny Beach in his last match? Clearly there's a power dynamic in this partnership. Tolos bets Craig a 7Up that Hessler will get the win. What a wager! Sunny Beach talks to the referee while Hessler and Casey just destroy Wild Thing with a table and golf club. How on Earth did the referee not notice any of this happening? Eventually he does... and... does nothing. I'll be honest - I'm barely paying attention to this, because it's all just interference bullshit and it's fucking Wild Thing vs Helmet Hessler.

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via disqualification.

Tolos says "this is just the beginning". Please just fast-forward to the end!

Thoughts:

• Death Row 3260 continues to be the funniest motherfucker going today! Or at least 1992.
• WTF is up with this whole Vladimir/Nikita thing? Are they the same guy? Are they different guys?
• John Tolos gets crazier every week.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 43

UWF Fury Hour Episode 43, 29th June 1992

Check out that date - this is not a typo!
Turns out my concern for promoting a "possible" signing of The Ultimate Warrior was unfounded, because that was the UWF's last week of television before being taken off the air for it would seem about 9 months. The remaining dates on their one-year deal saw the UWF replaced by some women's wrestling show, where Bruno Sammartino would also serve as a commentator.

So here we are again! Can Herb bring the company back to life in a successful direction?

Craig and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos welcome us to the Universal Wrestling Federation. 'Cowboy' Bob Orton is now the UWF Southern States Champion. Mr. Red has been promoted to Colonel.

Orton gives a rambling promo about what the announcers have been saying about him. There has been no UWF for 9 months so I have no idea what they've been saying about him. He's being a nicer guy so people in his everyday life enjoy talking to him. Apparently he beat 'Rugged' Ronnie Garvin for this title. He wants to fight 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff in a fair fight or something. Seems fishy.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Midnight Star
The UWF Southern States Championship belt is bright green and looks weird. So it's perfect for the UWF! Just like this 'Midnight Star':

Is this match for the title? Tolos thinks Orton is Lex Luger? 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams couldn't fulfil his contract or something, so there will be another tournament to crown a new TV champion. Sure. Orton looks and moves like he's aged about 5 years in the last 9 months.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via Superplex

Tolos acts like he's never seen Orton perform a superplex before. Bro - you were his manager. You've seen him use that to win matches many times. Herb tells Orton it was a great match and I can barely hear Orton over the music played in the venue. Good job!

Herb talks about how The UWF is what pro-wrestling should be and then brings in Captain Lou Albano. You get a fuck you like you should do. Call the Powerline?

Ivan Koloff (w/Colonel Red) vs Jake Steel
Colonel Red is wearing white because he is a fucking moron. He shouts at the crowd about something.

Tolos assures Craig he is going to make him "a great sportsman". Huh?? Wait - Colonel Red was the former manager of Jimmy Valiant? And Jimmy Valiant is coming to The UWF??

Winner = Ivan Koloff via clothesline with a chain.

Koloff needed to cheat to beat a jobber?

Colonel Red's Corner

HOLY FUCK THEY ACTUALLY SPELLED IT "REDS"
Ivan Koloff is here with his nephew, Vladimir. Is this just Nikita with a different name? But then what do you do with all those Nikita Koloff t-shirts? He looks like he's been skipping the gym since we last saw him. They say absolutely nothing - and in Vladimir's case, literally.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Tommy Angel
Orndorff doesn't seem too happy to be here today. Tolos says he doesn't want to give Orndorff too much praise, and then proceeds to spend the entire match saying how great Orndorff is in every way.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via Piledriver

Orndorff thinks Orton is one of the best wrestlers of all time, but wants to beat him for "the belt that the whole world wants". You guys are going to fight over my Transformers belt??

'Pistol' Pez Whatley vs The Marauder
Whatley. Koloff. Orndorff. Valiant. Orton. Is this 1992 or 1982??
Craig can't pronounce "Marauder" - keeps calling him "The Moroder". Tolos goes on a rant about wrestlers in the 1950's - which makes sense, because this match looks like it is from the 1950's. Craig and Tolos discuss the way Whatley shakes his ass and the great success it can help lead him to. Seriously.

Winner = 'Pistol' Pez Whatley via crossbody

Watch some boxing on "state of the art videotape".

Wet N' Wild vs Johnny Kidd & Stone Cold
First "The Rock from Hawaii" and now Stone Cold??
Tolos and Craig say these are the top contenders for the World's Heavyweight Championship. WHAT?!?! Tolos calls Wild Thing "unorthodox" and doesn't think he's quite "elite level", which Craig takes a great deal of offense at. Craig thinks the jobberdudes should just quit and give the match to Wet N' Wild, while on the other hand Tolos thinks Wet N' Wild are having a tough time trying to beat them.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via crossbody

Crossbody is the new official move of the UWF, it would seem.

Tolos says the jobbers are awesome. Wet N' Wild looks like they may have gotten worse.

'The Boogie-Woogie Man' Jimmy Valiant is here! And he's looking... not so Boogie-Woogie. He is not happy with Colonel Red.

And we out!

Thoughts:

• UWF 2.0. might be twice as bad.
• I'm not sure what happened, but it seems with nine months of no television tapings, Herb forgot how to book screwy finishes - there were none at all for once!
• Throwing an ugly green belt on 'Cowboy' Bob Orton with almost no context is pretty darn great.
• This show is sorely missing Bruno on commentary.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 34

UWF Fury Hour Episode 34, 24th June 1991

I guess it is time for more matches from The Beach Brawl! Wooo hoooo! I'll go stab myself now.

UWF Ladies Championship
Rockin' Robin vs Candi Devine
My copy joins the match in progress, which is absolutely fine with me! Craig rhymes "mere" with "hair" and is mighty pleased with himself.

Winner = Rockin' Robin via rollup

Craig thinks this is the peak of her career. I don't know if she ever wrestled at a WrestleMania, but she did defeat the music at WrestleMania V and I'd imagine that moment was pretty up there for her! 

Craig and Brian in their empty office are interviewing Rockin' Robin.

These pictures really just reinforce that the whole thing looks like a job interview. Brian wants to know what's next: "Touring across the country with the UWF?" Oh yeah, those extensive UWF tours of... The Penta Hotel and... Florida. Robin isn't a "desk person". The irony of someone saying that when being interviewed in the most generic office ever... Craig asks her to sing and I get ready to fucking throw my TV at Craig.

Now they're talking with Candi Devine, who is wearing the same gear she wrestled in. She has no other clothes? Her and Robin have fought many times "in the mid-West and also the West".

This Jeep commercial makes me want to rock out!

Recap of the previous battles between Wet N' Wild and Cactus Jack & 'Cowboy' Bob Orton.

Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos
This match has a 45 minute time-limit draw? That's like my living limit for this match. Everything is so dark it's hard to see what's happening - if I were in the crowd, I'd be having a hard time seeing Tolos getting thrown into a cage. And not just because I'd be trying to set myself on fire. This reminds me of when Dusty Rhodes had a "gorilla" in a cage to sort out the Four Horsemen. That was fucking hilarious. This is not. Wild Thing's dropkick to knock Orton out of ring was.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via Orton cheating fail

Jack and Orton have a rumble afterwards. Tolos blows his whistle. Foley really did bleed a lot for the several people in attendance.

Oh fuck it's an empty office interview with Wet N' Wild.

Dudes clearly look under the influence. John Tolos was suspended 20 feet in the air. No wait it was 30 feet. Now it's 35 feet. Wild Thing was inspired by a girl in his apartment or something? Herb's wife? He is giving the most rambling nonsense answers. John Tolos is gone?? Sunny Beach likes cornflakes. Bah fucking gawd this is all kinds of hilariously awful. They like sharing... and say WW (Wet N' Wild) apparently stands for "Party Time". I don't see a single W in there, you fucking dropkicks.

Next candidate Brian and Craig have to interview is 'Cowboy' Bob Orton.

He calls Jack a goof and a scatterbrain. He needs to be in a ring with someone just as good as him. Apparently Tolos didn't drop brass knuckles - it was just his wallet and Orton was going to look after it until after the match. Cactus Jack is everywhere - except he's not here. Orton will stick to singles wrestling now.

Lou still wants you to call him to talk about celebrities. What celebrities does he know in 1991?

That's... it?

Thoughts:

• I remind you again - this show is NOT live. Whoever looked at that interview with Wet N' Wild and thought "Hell yeah, that's great television!" needs a serious high-five.
• It's close this week, but I'll give the win to WCW; the Desperadoes hunting Stan Hansen was hilarious. Either way, a fun week for someone that enjoys awful pro-wrestling segments.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 32

UWF Fury Hour Episode 32, 10th June 1991

This was taped before The Beach Brawl but aired after, so I have no idea what they are going to talk about. Hence I stuck with aired date order and am watching after The Beach Brawl. But really, I'm expecting the usual bunch of shitty matches that mean nothing so it probably doesn't matter anyways...

Herb's in the control room to say thanks for watching The Beach Brawl. I don't know who is now doing the voice over work for the show preview, but I really want Herb back doing it. Pro-wrestling shows need crazy people yelling at me!

Joshua Bengorian vs Hog Calhoun

Bengorian is attacked before the bell and Bruno blames it on being inexperienced in the UWF. I blame it on being a fucking hilariously useless numbnuts. 

Winner = Joshua Bengorian via Israeli Airforce Bomber

Bruno is almost in shock that this goof won the match.

The next few weeks will be highlights of The Beach Brawl. So if you think this week is pointless, just you wait!

Chris Michaels & Tom Brandi vs Captain Badd & The Beast

Wow a battle of the most irrelevant wrestlers on the show! The Beast goes for a dropkick but it ends up being more like a leg clothesline. Craig calls it a "knee kick". Even Bruno can't pretend that wasn't a stupid thing to call it.

Winners = Chris Michaels & Tom Brandi via top rope dropkick

Craig says Michaels & Brandi stole that one. Yeah man, you make sure those good guys get over huge!

Buy a Dan Spivey t-shirt so you can show your support for him at the next UWF show!

Captain Lou Albano compares pro-wrestlers to boxers and thinks a pro-wrestler has more ways to beat a boxer. Not in a boxing match!

Ask The Wrestlers

Colonel DeBeers says he's blind in one eye, which is why he wears the patch. Voice over guys says he's also blind in the brain. What?

Wet N' Wild vs The Messenger & Brian Donahue

Bruno thinks these guys are slowly improving - that's not hard, considering how bad they were. And compared to some of the shitburgers that often appear on The Fury Hour. 

Winners = Wet N' Wild via rocket launcher splash

Captain Lou's Corner

There's a new champion, but instead of talking to him we'll talk to the guy that DIDN'T win in the main event. Albano says Bam Bam is going to get the belt eventually. Voice over guy calls them both ugly. I mean, he's not wrong...

"Golden Oldies"

We get a replay of the lumberjack match from earlier in the year. I won't bother writing about it again.

Power Twins vs Soul Train Philips & Cash Jackson

Bruno moves off commentary so the leader of The Guardian Angels can take over. He talks about beating up criminals and they might hire some of the wrestlers to help out. He's a total New Yorker, so he also appreciates Bruno. But not as much as his wife, apparently.

Winners = The Power Twins via double team destruction

"Golden Oldies"
B. Brian Blair vs Mike Williams
Did I review this already? I would have to look back and that feels like more effort. So let's review it this time and see what I think. Or I could just watch and realise it lasts all of 2 minutes so nothing to review.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via shitshooter

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams wants you to call him. Now! The new champion's only appearance on the show was begging for calls to the hotline??

Thoughts:

• The most boring and pointless show yet.
• WCW at least had some intrigue and story progression this week, while UWF just sat around going 'duuuhh'

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 28

UWF Fury Hour Episode 28, 13th May 1991

Craig and Captain Lou Albano are standing out in the sun and Albano looks like he's getting a little too much sun. Craig bitches about the way Albano is dressed..

The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs The Lynx & Random Jobber
Albano tries to say Luna has more tattoos than Bam Bam Bigelow because she has like 2 or something. He also uses the same jokes about tattoos being like watching cartoons or whatever it is he's been trying to do. 2 minutes in and I'm pretty sure he's said "moron" about 182 times. Holy fuck this guy... The Black Harts apparently have names but I only catch one of them. Albano inadvertently points out how shit this company by not even having a tag-rope on the corner. 

Winners = The Black Harts via vegematic? Is that what their finishing move is called?

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship Tournament Update
Brian is back to let us know Terry Gordy and Steve Ray have progressed in the tournament from matches that probably sucked.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Dusty Wolfe
Albano tries to talk about Orndorff's diet and training regime, when anyone who's been watching knows it just involves those milkshakes and the muscle blaster.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

'Cowboy' Bob Orton (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos) vs Florida Jobberman
Craig gives us a further update on the UWF Sportschannel UFC BBQ Championship Tournament, since Orton isn't involved; Cactus Jack, Bam Bam Bigelow, B. Brian Blair, Colonel DeBeers, Don Muraco, Terry Gordy, 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray and 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams are your quarter-finalists. Then they spend the rest of the match giving out the various phone numbers you can call to buy tickets.  You know, we had a "Tournament Update" segment about ten minutes ago - this type of information could have made that segment a big more substantial.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via superplex

Albano acts like that was the greatest finishing maneuver ever.

Six months later and they're still shilling 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey t-shirts.

Captain Lou's Corner
Today's "guests" are The Black Harts and Luna Vachon. One of The Black Harts is doing the "diamond" sign - must be a DDP fan? Or Jay-Z? Albano doesn't like this so quits. Yay Black Harts!

B. Brian Blair vs Rusty Brooks
Albano's gimmick is he refuses to say the names of the jobbers correctly. This shit may be entertaining for him, but makes it really difficult for me to bLog correctly. Now he's making old Dad jokes that would probably be somewhat funny if it were someone else telling them. Blair falls over applying his Shitshooter. Faaaark me...

Winner = B. Brian Blair via fail

The Power Twins (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos) vs 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray (w/o Tag Partner?)
Tolos finally has more people in his stable!!! Albano seems to have a real problem with Steve Ray being a good guy. Apparently, Sunny Beach didn't show up so 'Wild Thing' will have to wrestle alone? Oh wait, Sunny Beach has arrived late and hits people with his luggage.

Winners = The Power Twins via disqualification

Joining Tolos' stable was the right move!

Thoughts:

• This was an unwatchable show, made unlistenable by Captain Lou Albano on commentary.
• I don't remember a thing from WCW this week, but there is no way in hell it was even close to being this terrible.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 23

UWF Fury Hour Episode 23, 8th April 1991

Bruno and Craig introduce us to a new wrestler who will be debuting today - Terry Gordy! Also appearing will be Sunny Beach and 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray. That's much less extraordinary. Bruno thinks they will be going very far. Far away from me? ALSO the UWF will be holding a tournament to crown the very first UWF champion!

We have new graphics yet again and Terry Gordy is listed as being from "Badstreet, USA". That makes me happy.

The Beach Brawl is coming! Wait - the UWF champion will be called "The UWF Sportschannel TV Champion"??

Terry Gordy vs Captain Badd
So while The Freebirds continue in WCW with just one original member, Terry Gordy has somehow ended up here? He comes out to Mötley Crüe's Looks That Kill that makes me even happier. It also makes me want to listen to Mötley Crüe again - they really didn't have a bad album. I tried to trash Generation Swine when I did my little unpublished marathon, but I really did listen to that a lot back in 1997 and I don't think it's nearly as bad as people would have you believe. Except for the shitty ballads that are just laughable.

Winner = Terry Gordy via powerbomb

Gordy has still got it. And that powerbomb was pretty rad. Also Looks That Kill would work more as the entrance song for a woman, given the chorus is all "She's got looks that kill!"

Gordy says he's here to kick butt and get titles. And the UWF is all out of titles??

There's a Delhi in New York? Do American's just have to steal everything??

B. Brian Blair vs Brian Donahue
I made a lot of jokes about Brian Donahue because I got his name confused with Brian Dennehy, but I have an edit function and will delete them all now. Craig tries to put over Blair's attempt at the Sharpshooter. Mutherfucker I see Sting do this in WCW all the fucking time and he looks fucking cool while this dipshit looks like a useless piece of shit botch machine EVERY TIME.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via the most insulting Shitshooter and I am now considerably less happy

Craig tries to make a joke about the Donahue show. What a nerd.

'The Golden Greek' John Tolos tells us he looks great in a polo shirt and suit jacket - it's not a good combo, sorry. He then brags about wrestling in the 50's. AND his "stable". Dude, you've got two wrestlers. That's not a stable that is a fucking a tag-team.

Herb is now shilling the Penta(gon Jr.) Hotel. Perhaps that was Honey doing the voice over previously...

Oh fuck me they are shilling some new weight gain drink and I am absolutely fucking dying.

If I'm riding in a nice limo, there's no way I'm watching UWF in the back. I save that nonsense for when I'm on my couch for hours on end like a fucking dork.

Captain Lou's Corner
Terry Gordy is here! Albano raves about the guy and Gordy... well... he just looks lost. He's good at beating people with chairs, so Albano tries to explain that means he's good at wrestling. Fuck me; after such an exciting debut earlier, this promo was one hell of a mistake.

Again: this shit is not live, people.

Captain Lou Albano shills The Beach Brawl. He never actually says the name or anything, but he at least does get the date right.

Don Muraco vs Afa 'The Wild Samoan' (w/Samu)
Where's Fatu? Don't get me wrong; I thought The Samoan Swat Team sucked in WCW, but I'm a completist so bring them all here! The Samoans attack Muraco before he can even get his shirt off.

Winner = Don Muraco via disqualification

So you've got Samu - a younger, less shitty wrestler - but you instead insist on having an old garbage wrestler like Afa wrestle on the show? That's so UWF.

Ask The Wrestlers

Herb can't believe the balls of Dan to ask this. Orton says that Tolos is only giving him advice during the matches and he makes him a better person.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Carmine Albano
Next week, Orndorff will face 'Dr. Death' in a steel cage match! I wonder what type of nonsense will happen to make sure we don't get a proper finish. It'll be tough to do in a cage, I'm sure, but no doubt Herb can find a way... John Tolos joins the commentary team and compares Bruno to a flock of chickens? Bruno questions Cactus Jack & 'Cowboy' Bob Orton's credentials as a tag-team.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via squash

The ring announcer sounds like he's speaking through a broken cellphone speaker.

We get a recap of the 'Mr. Wonderful'/'Dr. Death' feud but with still photos instead of much of the video footage. And Craig just talks all over 'Dr. Death's promos so you can't hear what he was saying. Quality promo package. 'Dr. Death' tells us he knows about many steel things and believes winning will make him the champion or something. Dude must have missed the tournament announcement.

It's not easy being 'Mr. Wonderful'.

The UWF superstars train at The Power Shack gym, so you should buy their t-shirt.

Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)
Bruno believes this will be a big test for Wet N' Wild. Didn't this same match happen last week?? Why is it more of a test now? The problem with this match is Orton is good, Cactus Jack is OK, and Wet N' Wild are fucking terrible. Craig starts making fun of Tolos being dressed like a High School PE teacher and I can't help but agree. Dude should be wearing fancy suits. And I should be watching something else.

Draw via double disqualification, I guess

Tolos chokes Sunny Beach while Orton & Jack beat 'Wild Thing' with a surfboard. Do it some more!

Surf's up, Dude!

Remember when Steven Seagal starred in actual theatrical releases??

Thoughts:

• John Tolos is a great promo sometimes.