UWF Fury Hour: Episode 37

UWF Fury Hour Episode 37, 15th July 1991

Tonight is highlights of the illustrious career of 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams. Well... at least his UWF career. Wow. Can't wait...

First he started a feud with 'Mr.' Wonderful' Paul Orndorff, which involved many attacks from behind. He beat 'Mr. Wonderful' with a chair and "I don't go behind the back, that's why I tell everybody... watch your back". I laughed again.

Now it's time for highlights of their lumberjack match - including the entrances of the lumberjacks. Are we really that desperate for content? I find it hard to have an interest in reviewing this match again, because it was pure nonsense.

Now it's time for the steel cage match! Herb calls it the place "no man wants to go". Except Orndorff straight up asked for it, didn't he?

Steel Cage Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
Fuck it, I'll bite. Orndorff tries to escape early - which makes no sense, since he asked for the steel cage because he wanted to get revenge. Even Bruno expresses how much nonsense that is. 

ZOMG THE UWF OATMEAL COOKIES. I very much want a pack now. I would eat them while listening to this Jeep Wrangler song.

I get the feeling escaping the cage was the ONLY way to win this match, which is incredibly poor booking. Orndorff goes to walk out the cage door and Terry Gordy slams it on his head.

Winner = double-disqualification nonsense

Gordy gets in the cage and helps Williams beat on Orndorff. Cactus Jack waits outside to stop anyone getting in to help, so Don Muraco comes out and beats him up. Muraco gets in the cage and the bad guys beat him up to.

This led to: Don Muraco vs Terry Gordy - which never happened - and Mr Wonderful vs... Colonel DeBeers? Again, awesome booking.

Also double-disqualification in a Steel Cage match is the most bullshit ever, right up there with double-countout in a fucking Street Fight.

Bam Bam Bigelow says nothing will stop him from destroying 'Dr. Death'.

'Dr. Death' says... something?

Now we are treated to Bigelow's Beach Brawl promo: he has been "studying hard!" He has "ability, do-bility and ho-bility..." "Mo' money, mo' happy!" and other various hilarities.

Craig says 'Dr. Death' had to "get through the toughest matches of the tournament". It was the ONLY match of the tournament.

'Dr. Death' talks about secrecy in his training camp, "but there'll be no surprises for Bam Bam!". I thought that was the point of secrecy? Brian asks him what his motivation for this match is - winning the title isn't enough for you, Brian?? Williams complains about people stabbing him in the back. MOTHERFUCKER you did that to Orndorff every week from day one. Then he threatens Bigelow with an arm-drag. Ooooh no! I'm surprised Bigelow didn't just forfeit right now.

The Making of a Champion

Frank Sinatra sings us My Way over the top of more highlights of 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams - including promos WITH NO SOUND. Again, 'Dr. Death's UWF highlights mainly involve him beating 'Mr. Wonderful' with chairs. What - no footage of him squashing Davey Meltzer the one time he was actually a good guy?

Oh, wait - that highlights package was our main event.

Thoughts:

• It may surprise you to know that 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams was actually related to Herb Abrams.
• I was going to bury this episode as a complete waste of time, but that end video package was hilarious; Sinatra crooning while a big hairy dude beats people with chairs? The whole shit was bizarrely surreal and had me laughing out loud.
• This week in WCW: Great American Bash 1991 - also a waste of time that featured some entertaining moments. But at least Ric Flair is gone for the next 18 months, so that's a bonus.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 3

UWF Fury Hour Episode 3, 15th October 1990

Apparently last week's show got a fantastic reaction! Are they referring to me managing to not kill myself while watching it?

Bruno seems to be showing genuine excitement for this week's show, while Herb looks... like Herb. Then we get a run down of all the wrestlers you will see today, because that's always fun!

'Dangerous' Dan Spivey vs Local Jobber
Herb says this guy today is just some local talent that is about to get taught a lesson. B. Brian Blair runs out and beats Spivey with a chair and Herb is very pleased. That's cheating! And way worse than anything Spivey did to him.

Winner = Dan Spivey via disqualification

Herb is convinced the jobber dude will never wrestle again. Okay.

Chief Jay Strongbow vs Houdini
Bruno wants you all to know that Strongbow is a really, really nice guy. Houdini is fucking hilarious on offense - even Bruno can't pretend anything he does looks good. 

Winner = Chief Jay Strongbow via sleeperhold

Herb thinks they should leave Houdini sleeping forever; that would fuck up the rest of the show if everyone had to wrestle around him.

David Sammartimo vs Colonel DeBeers
Bruno thinks David looks familar. DeBeers again wants the black ref removed and Bruno is acting like this didn't happen last week. This time the black referee stays but he doesn't fast count or anything - even holds counting three when he should have. So then it's a bit of back and forth until DeBeers beats up the ref and runs away.

Winner = Racism?

Dr. Death says he's feeling vibes?

The Black Knight vs Davey Meltzer
A battle of the jobbers? This should be... bad. Herb wants to discuss the reason The Black Knight wears a mask and Bruno just gives zero fucks. Herb: "Meltzer should be taking notes on this match." That actually made me laugh.

Winner = The Black Knight via Boredom

How the fuck did that match get so much time?

Chief Jay Strongbow thinks the world's greatest talent are coming to the UWF and then does a 'war dance'.

B. Brian Blair vs Riki Ataki
Herb tries to be a racist douche, but Bruno won't stand for it and puts over Japanese wrestlers. Bruno is awesome. Even if he does keep telling us he knows nothing about any of the wrestlers on the show.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via not Boston Crab

Captain Lou's Corner
Lou Albano is excited about Bob Orton, who talks about fat people?

Dan Spivey claims he is the number one contendor for the title. There isn't a champ and I haven't seen a belt, but sure.

Billy Jack Haynes vs Larry Levin
Apparently, according to Herb, getting your ass kicked by Billy Jack will make you a better wrestler. The ref botches the ending, so clearly calling his matches don't make you a better referee.

Winner = Billy Jack Haynes via whateverthefuckhappened

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff
A battle of the two biggest stars in the company! Herb tells us next week we will get "NAKITA" Koloff, Ivan Koloff and Ken Patera. Exciting. We now get a recap of their confontration in episode 1. I'd totally forgotten about this. Strange to blow off something like this at only week 3. Ooh Dr. Death ripped up Orndorff's t-shirt! He really is bad to the bone! And he hits a low-blow but doesn't get disqualified? 

Double Count-out

Thoughts:

• Does every main event on this show end in bullshit?

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 2

UWF Fury Hour Episode 2, 8th October 1990

Herb Abrams and Bruno Sammartino are back - apparently the first episode was "wild and wooly". There are some known names on today's show, and Billy Jack Haynes in the main event!

"The Unpredictable" Cactus Jack vs Davey Meltzer
Davey Meltzer may be the best gimmick ever. Cactus Jack bites people so Bruno thinks he needs to change his meal times. Cactus Jack leaps off the ring apron to the floor to deliver a flying elbow drop... but the quality production team totally miss it.

Winner = Cactus Jack via pinfall

Dan Spivey is so weird he kills the video feed.

'Dangerous' Dan Spivey vs Scott Cole
Im fresh off Dan Spivey being WCW, disappearing (I'm guessing to appear in the UWF) and he's just returned to WCW in November. So this is odd.

Winner = Dan Spivey via powerbomb squashtimes

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs The Black Knight
Herb and Bruno have no idea who the black knight is. I love how much they care about the product they are presenting. I'm also fresh off Ordorff coming to WCW for a quick holiday and then leaving to join the UWF. Herb makes fun of The Black Knight for being fat and I'm like dude, look at you - you're Herb Abrams! The Black Knight botches hilariosly and i'm like ok dude, you're The Black Knight - let's make fun of you!

Winner - Paul Orndorff via piledriver

How does 'Mr. Wonderful' look so much older here than he did a few months earlier in WCW? 

B. Brian Blair shills the UWF merch again.

Captain Lou Albano cuts a promo with the most blatant cue card reading ever.

Billy Jack Haynes cuts a promo and I still can't believe this is the same dude that looked like a total badass a few years ago. It was only months for me!

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs Larry Jobberdude
I do enjoy how much respect the jobbers gets here in the UWF; there is very little effort to let you know their names - it's just 'here is a body for a big old guy to beat up'. And boy howdy does Dr. Death beat this body. Even with a top tope move.

Winner = Steve Williams via boredom

The ads on this show are so completely hilariously bad compared to what I've been seeing on WCW.

Colonel DeBeers wants respect for South Africa. He calls Billy Jack Haynes "Billy JERK Haynes" Ooooh!!!

David Sammartino vs Houdini
Sammartino comes out to Poison by Bel Biv Devoe. The match hasn't even started and already "the crowd" are chanting "BORING", but Bruno is a true pro and continues to call this like it's a normal wrestling match. Except for when David makes a mistake that leads to him getting beaten up by his opponent - then Bruno gets all Dad on him and is all "Well, he deserved that".

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-four leglock

Holy shit these matches are going quickly today.

Captain Lou's Corner
Dan Spivey is a great pro-wrestler? Captain Lou won't even look at him and they then get into a big discussion as to whether or not being tall is an advantage for a pro-wrestler.
What?
Captain Lou asks Spivey why he attacked B. Brian Blair. Dude, I saw the press conference - Blair was talking a bunch of smack and brought it on himself! Spivey says he wants the heavyweight title. There's a title in the UWF??

Dan Spivey cuts a solo promo and also reads cue cards.
Herb yells at me to buy his t-shirt. Who in the fuck would want a Dan Spivey t-shirt?!?

Chief Jay Strongbow wants you to support him and by proxy the Native American people (but this is 1990 so he calls them Indians).

B. Brian Blair vs Spitball Patterson
Herb is sure B. Brian Blair just sold a hundred t-shirts. Maybe if we're accumulating over the entire course of his life. Maybe. Dan Spivey comes out to the ring to watch. Herb and Bruno are very unhappy the referee is allowing him out there - Herb even wonders if he's been paid off. Spivey isn't doing anything - he's just watching the match! I mean, sure, he's tripped Blair twice, but the referee didn't see so that's not his problem! B. Brian Blair does the sharpshooter? And Herb calls it a Boston crab??

Winner = B. Brian Blair via not excellence of execution

Dan Spivey beats up B. Brian Blair after the match.

Billy Jack Haynes vs Colonel DeBeers
DeBeers comes out to Welcome to the Jungle, which until recently was also the entrance song for The Steiner Brothers. Stealing cool music from cooler guys - that's a true heel move. Holy balls, he actually just said he will not allow a black man to referee his match. The referee is changed to the usual fat white dude and Bruno is like fuck that and fuck him! Billy Jack Haynes comes out and quotes Michael Jackson, except Black or White is yet to be released so maybe he should be credited as a songwriter on that one, but apparently Colonel DeBeers has more pull backstage because they ignore Haynes' request to have the black referee come back. This match is slow and boring. Billy Jack Haynes was awesome when he was younger and jacked and just doing squash matches; instead he's now older, less jacked and doing long boring matches like this.

Draw via double count-out

Bruno is like "Billy Jack could have done better"
You'd hope so, Bruno.

Dr. Death cuts a promo running down all the other babyfaces in the company, but he's the new generation or something. Dude, I'm pretty sure you're all from the same generation of the previous decade.

Herb sends us home, telling us the main even was "unreal".
Unfortunately, it was very real.

Thoughts:

• Who thought Dan Spivey was some sort of star??
• Bah gawd this show was boring

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 1

And here we go!

As said in my earlier post, according to sources this is the most painfully terrible pro-wrestling TV show possible. But I'm here to test that theory! Certainly, the episode of Dark Side of the Ring sure piqued my interest a great deal - especially with Herb Abrams in charge of things. Dude seemed like a coked out crazy man who was happy to spend all his money on pro-wrestling. I personally like to spend none of my money on pro-wrestling, so I can't relate.

ANYWAYS according to wikipedia, this show won the following awards from the most prestigious Wrestling Observer:

1990 - Worst Television Announcer (Herb Abrams)

1991 - Worst Promotion of the Year (UWF)

1991 - Worst Television Show (Fury Hour)

1991 - Most Obnoxious (Herb Abrams)

1994 - Worst Major Wrestling Show (Blackjack Brawl)

SOUNDS FUN!!!

High quality title-cards for a high quality show

UWF Fury Hour Episode 1, 1st October 1990

The show opens with Herb screaming at the viewer, much like old (or young? Because he sure doesn't do it now he's an old piece of shit) Vince used to do on WWF programming. Our commentators are Herb Abrams and HOLY SHIT Bruno Sammartino?!?

This show already wins! They run through the legends that will be featured on the show and I'm like 'dang they got some names I recognise!'.

'Dr, Death' Steve Williams vs Davey Meltzer
Bahaha we have a dude that is supposed to be some sort of dig at Dave Meltzer? No wonder this show got such derision from the Wrestling Observer! Especially as Dr. Death just destroys Meltzer for like 5 minutes without Davey getting in a single offensive maneuver and the commentators just complete bury him. 

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via SQUASHTASTICNESS

Dr. Death writes a note or something and stuffs it in Meltzer's mouth - was that him reviewing the match or something? Dr. Death gets his backstage info from the Torch, Dave!

David Sammartino vs 'The Unpredictable' Cactus Jack
Mick Foley! And a much less wide than I remember David Sammartino! David claims he can turn a walk in the park into a dangerous obstacle course and I'm thinking he's not the man to go on a date with. Commentators put over Cactus Jack as being crazy and Bruno is in disbelief when he is still standing after hitting a turnbuckle post. Bruno, I recommend you don't watch 2020 pro-wrestling. The match cuts away to backstage promos in front of cheesy 90's graphics. Then B. Brian Blair tries to sell us on some UWF merch, except he admits he won't buy one of the t-shirts. Cheapskate! Dr. Death talks about beating people up in bars, but then says he doesn't want to talk about bars. Then why'd you mention it? BACK TO THE MATCH and Bruno admits to being biased towards his son. This fact must have pissed off Cactus Jack because he just randomly headbutts the ref.

Winner = David Sammartino via disqualification

Ummm... ok?

Billy Jack Haynes vs Some Dude?
OH SHIT IT'S BILLY JACK HAYNES looking way less jacked and kinda... not as cool. But his opponent gets zero entrance and not even a name on the screen so I like Billy's chances here.

Winner = Billy Jack Haynes via submission due to Full fucking Nelson

For the past few months, I've been making my way through classic NWA shows from the mid-eighties onwards. It's been great. Billy Jack Haynes was there for a while in 1986, I believe. He was great. I remember when I did WrestleMania March Madness that I saw him in WrestleMania III and thought he was awesome. However, this is the UWF in 1990. Great and awesome this was not.

There was a press conference to announce the formation of the UWF and the biggest stars they had were B. Brian Blair and Dan Spivey? THE WARNING SIGNS WERE RIGHT THERE, HERB!
B. Brian talked shit and got hit, but apparently he's the hero?

Captain Lou's Corner with Captain Lou Albano
His guest this week is B. Brian Blair. He plays the victim and claims he was being a gentleman. Fuck off, there is video of you insulting the dude! Then he buzzes.

Billy Jack Haynes cuts a promo. It's not good.

Colonel DeBeers cuts a promo about winning a world title. UWF has a world title? They seem to have a roster of about 8 wrestlers right now. Plus you only have one eye - no reputable commission should licence you to fight!

Colonel DeBeers vs Michael Allan
I at least caught this jobber's name at the start. But he got less offense in than the last guy.

Winner = Colonel DeBeers via the worst DDT I may have ever seen

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Some Other Dude
The jobber this time is Japanese so the commentators have no interest in repeating his name. Bruno tells us the piledriver is Orndorff's "move". And that he "fights like a very hangry man". 

Winner = Paul Orndorff via piledriver

Dr. Death gets in Orndorff's face and Herb is losing his shit! 

But Dr. Death just kinda hulks up and leaves the ring. Suspense?

'Killer Bee' B. Brian Blair vs 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey
"He's a fan favourite and a real favourite of the fans." Well explained, Herb.
"You're not going to see a lot of beautiful wrestling maneuvers here." Thanks for the warning, Bruno.

Double Count-Out after the fastest 10-count I've ever seen

Herb tells us he hates the ending and we should too. Seriously.

Then we get a preview for next week's main event - Colonel DeBeers vs Billy Jack Haynes - before I say goodnight.

So initial thoughts:

• Herb Abrams goes from being the sleepiest cokehead on the planet to angry deranged crazy man every match.
• The matches were all pretty bad.
• Bruno seems happy to be here!
• Seeing what's become of Billy Jack Haynes is kinda depressing.
• B. Brian Blair is apparently the number one babyface. This company should have died on day-fucking-one.

I at least like the Dave Meltzer gimmick - I hope they beat the shit out of him each episode, because it looks like some sort of petty inside joke or something and it did make me think Steve Williams was just going to be booked as a badass or something. And this show could sure use some entertainment!