UWF Fury Hour: Episode 46

UWF Fury Hour Episode 46, 12th July 1992

Tonight! We will see Ivan Koloff vs 'The Boogie Woogie Man' Jimmy Valiant. And more Colonel Red. Hoo-fucking-rah.

Wet N' Wild vs The Marauder & Viper II

Tolos says Wet N' Wild have some fantastic moves that he hasn't seen in a long time. Craig tries to insult Tolos' fans. Wet N' Wild are still wanting to be the tag-team champions - so why do they continue to wrestle in a company where there is no tag-team championship? Steve Ray does sort of reverse Boston Crab that just... looks stupid. But Viper II has a hole in his tights, so the commentators instead focus on that.

I mean, fair enough; you're in the UWF, son! The big leagues! You should take pride in your appearance when you're reaching a television audience of... Herb's family every week.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via Sunny Beach getting the pin via Splash.

Call The UWF Powerline! Before the phone service is cancelled...

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Stone Cold

Next week Orndorff will get a shot at 'Cowboy' Bob Orton and the coveted UWF Southern States Championship. So the commentators spend the majority of this match discussing that match instead.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via Piledriver

Orndorff looks all kinds of uninterested in this show.

Colonel Red's Corner

Red is just shouting at Herb that he won't interview Jimmy Valiant, so Valiant comes out and threatens to beat him up instead. Why would being interviewed by Colonel Red be so important to him?? Ivan Koloff comes out and he and Valiant need to be separated. Tolos is very excited! He says he likes "action in the ring, out of the ring, in the parking lot and in the toilet!"?

The Nightstalker vs Dick Steel

Someone please explain to Craig what a hatchet is. Actually, explain to him what a lot of things are. And keep him away from all microphones forever.

Winner = The Nightstalker via Chokeslam.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton thinks Paul Orndorff is only getting a title shot because he is Herb's boyfriend? I thought this dude was trying to be a good guy now?? Also, if Orndorff was getting preferential treatment, I don't think he would have been screwed over for 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams so many times.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Helmet Hessler (w/Kevin Casey)

So if Orton were to lose this match, what would happen to next week's main event? Would it be changed to Paul Orndorff vs Helmet Hessler? Or would he just miss out on fighting for the title? Also, why does Orton have issues with Orndorff getting a title shot when he's willing to grant one Helmet Hessler, who's only been in the UWF a short while AND is coming off a loss last week?? And why would I actually think about these things?!?! 

Kevin Casey keeps teasing hitting Orton with his golf club, but Craig tells us "the couple of thousand fans in attendance" keep alerting the referee to his attempts.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via Belly-to-Back Suplex

So next week's main event will go ahead unchanged! What a relief!

Jimmy Valiant is excited to wrestle Ivan Koloff! After he wins, he is going to beat up Colonel Red as well. He sings some type of rock'n roll song and if it were anyone else I'd say it was awful and I have to kill myself, but it's the Boogie Man so I'll allow it.

Special Grudge Match

'The Boogie Woogie Man' Jimmy Valiant vs Ivan Koloff (w/Colonel Red)

John Tolos tries to start a "U.S.A." chant. And a "Golden Greek" chant. I'm pretty sure Valiant is going to spend more time partying with the crowd than he will actually wrestling in this match. 

Tolos says Valiant "has that style". Homeless-old-drunk-recovering-junkie style? Valiant hits Koloff with a cane and then chokes him - so this is no disqualification? Valiant chokes Koloff with a cable, but that somehow ends with Valiant being hurt and Koloff being totally ok. Now the referee is counting Valiant for choking Koloff in the ring - good to see there are some set rules here. And Colonel Red is allowed to hit Valiant with his cane?

Winner = Ivan Koloff via Colonel Red hitting Jimmy Valiant.

Herb runs out and says he is reversing the decision, so Colonel Red knocks him out of the ring and beats him with his cane. Valiant and Koloff continue to brawl in the ring, but eventually Valiant grabs a chair and slooooooowly comes to Herb's rescue. VERY slowly. So slowly that Craig is like 'Here comes Valiant to make the save - no he's not. Oh yes he is! Oh wait - no, yes here he comes!' Herb is a bloody mess and is taken out on a stretcher.

Thoughts:

• Main event was kinda fun? Mainly because Jimmy Valiant is always just ludicrously fun - even when he's a slow old man.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 44

UWF Fury Hour Episode 44, 5th July 1992

Tradition! Fundamentals! The way professional wrestling used to be! A bunch of wrestlers you won't see on this show!

Craig and Tolos assure us this will be like nothing we have ever seen before. I don't know, I've seen 43 previous episodes and they were all just different variations of awful...

Death Row 3260 vs Midnight Star

Is this a battle for the new worstest ever? Tolos wants to know what Craig's number on death row was (the place, not the wrestler). Clearly it was too high, because he's still alive. Tolos thinks Death Row (the wrestler, not the place) was fed well in prison. Death Row goes for a pin but lets Midnight Star up before getting a three-count, and Tolos is all 'I like the way he did that!' but then goes on a rant about how if you have someone down you should never let them up. So he didn't like that?

Winner = Death Row 3260 via hilariously bad shoulder tackle from the middle rope.

Captain Lou Albano tells us that "When you're talking about Herb Abrams, you're talking about class personified!". Wasn't the man arrested while naked and high on coke and chasing hookers??

We get a replay of Jimmy Valiant's promo on Colonel Red from last week.

'Boogie Woogie Man' Jimmy Valiant vs Viper II

ZOMG Valiant got old and skinny - looks like a frail old man! He's still running around kissing everyone, though. Even steals everyone's hats. And a child.

Winner = 'Boogie Woogie Man' Jimmy Valiant via sleeperhold.

He may be old, but The Boogie Man is still barrels of fun.

Remember when Aerosmith were considered "Hard Rock"?

Colonel Red's Corner
Colonel Red
is his own guest? He claims he beat Captain Lou Albano and took his "corner". Huh? Last I saw, he like bought it or something. Colonel Red says because it's now his corner, he gets to decide who he interviews... but Herb comes out and tells him he has to interview Jimmy Valiant next week.

Barry Horowitz has arrived at the UWF and he's after the TV Championship. He says he is "the hottest ride in the park and the other wrestlers should jump on"?!?!

Barry Horowitz vs Tommy Angel

Craig tells us today we can look forward to Jimmy Valiant's debut and Colonel Red's Corner. Great production! Tolos is helluva excited about this match.

Winner = Barry Horowitz via like a reverse DDT or something, but the commentators also don't know what to call it. Which doesn't surprise me, considering what Craig usually calls even the most common of moves.

'Dynamite' David Perry vs Viper II

Tolos: "I like this David Perry. Now, I don't know too much about him, but he's a big boy!"

Tolos: "Now this Viper II... I don't know much about him either!"

Good to see you are dedicated to your job there, Golden Greek.

Winner = 'Dynamite' David Perry via Superkick

The Nightstalker vs Johnny Kidd

Tolos goes absolutely crazy for The Nightstalker for like four minutes.

Winner = The Nightstalker via pretty shitty chokeslam.

Herb is still trying to sell you The Beach Brawl on VHS. And 'The Best of the UWF'. There is no way in hell that should be six whole video tapes.

UWF Special Report

The TV Championship has been declared vacant. 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray wants a shot at the title. He thinks the fans want him to get a shot at the title.

[Narrator: No, they don't.]

Wild Thing says the best wrestlers in the world are coming to the UWF.

[Narrator: No, they're not.]

Helmut Hessler (w/Kevin 'the Truth' Casey) vs Jeff Husker

Yes, Wild Thing. Here is a perfect example of "the best wrestlers in the world coming to the UWF". Two dudes I had to actually google to find UWF records so I could have their names. Craig keeps encouraging Tolos to go back to being a wrestler. He's old, you asshole. Let him retire and enjoy yelling at wrestling shows like old men should. Craig is the one who should be looking for a new job.

Cactus Jack and 'Dangerous' Dan Spivey t-shirts are still for sale. What, no merch for new superstars like Helmut Hessler? Or Colonel Fucking Red?

We rejoin the match... and it's now earlier in the match? Like, seriously it is basically being shown from the beginning again. It's like the editor figured I didn't care the first time, so maybe I'd pay more attention the second time.

Winner = Helmut Hessler via side-suplex

After the match, Casey attacks Husker with a golf club. Tolos is having the time of his life because it incorporates his favourite things; golf, wrestling and sneak attacks.

I wish I had kept a record of the amount of times Tolos said "super".

Colonel Red is with Ivan Koloff. Red is going to help Koloff defeat Jimmy Valiant.

Koloff: "I'm looking forward to it - UWF style!"

What does that even mean???

Next week: 'Cowboy' Bob Orton, 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff. And more Colonel Red. Wooooo.

Thoughts:

• John Tolos is hilariously excited about almost everything.
• Sadly, his excitement doesn't match the rest of this garbage truck.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 43

UWF Fury Hour Episode 43, 29th June 1992

Check out that date - this is not a typo!
Turns out my concern for promoting a "possible" signing of The Ultimate Warrior was unfounded, because that was the UWF's last week of television before being taken off the air for it would seem about 9 months. The remaining dates on their one-year deal saw the UWF replaced by some women's wrestling show, where Bruno Sammartino would also serve as a commentator.

So here we are again! Can Herb bring the company back to life in a successful direction?

Craig and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos welcome us to the Universal Wrestling Federation. 'Cowboy' Bob Orton is now the UWF Southern States Champion. Mr. Red has been promoted to Colonel.

Orton gives a rambling promo about what the announcers have been saying about him. There has been no UWF for 9 months so I have no idea what they've been saying about him. He's being a nicer guy so people in his everyday life enjoy talking to him. Apparently he beat 'Rugged' Ronnie Garvin for this title. He wants to fight 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff in a fair fight or something. Seems fishy.

'Cowboy' Bob Orton vs Midnight Star
The UWF Southern States Championship belt is bright green and looks weird. So it's perfect for the UWF! Just like this 'Midnight Star':

Is this match for the title? Tolos thinks Orton is Lex Luger? 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams couldn't fulfil his contract or something, so there will be another tournament to crown a new TV champion. Sure. Orton looks and moves like he's aged about 5 years in the last 9 months.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via Superplex

Tolos acts like he's never seen Orton perform a superplex before. Bro - you were his manager. You've seen him use that to win matches many times. Herb tells Orton it was a great match and I can barely hear Orton over the music played in the venue. Good job!

Herb talks about how The UWF is what pro-wrestling should be and then brings in Captain Lou Albano. You get a fuck you like you should do. Call the Powerline?

Ivan Koloff (w/Colonel Red) vs Jake Steel
Colonel Red is wearing white because he is a fucking moron. He shouts at the crowd about something.

Tolos assures Craig he is going to make him "a great sportsman". Huh?? Wait - Colonel Red was the former manager of Jimmy Valiant? And Jimmy Valiant is coming to The UWF??

Winner = Ivan Koloff via clothesline with a chain.

Koloff needed to cheat to beat a jobber?

Colonel Red's Corner

HOLY FUCK THEY ACTUALLY SPELLED IT "REDS"
Ivan Koloff is here with his nephew, Vladimir. Is this just Nikita with a different name? But then what do you do with all those Nikita Koloff t-shirts? He looks like he's been skipping the gym since we last saw him. They say absolutely nothing - and in Vladimir's case, literally.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Tommy Angel
Orndorff doesn't seem too happy to be here today. Tolos says he doesn't want to give Orndorff too much praise, and then proceeds to spend the entire match saying how great Orndorff is in every way.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via Piledriver

Orndorff thinks Orton is one of the best wrestlers of all time, but wants to beat him for "the belt that the whole world wants". You guys are going to fight over my Transformers belt??

'Pistol' Pez Whatley vs The Marauder
Whatley. Koloff. Orndorff. Valiant. Orton. Is this 1992 or 1982??
Craig can't pronounce "Marauder" - keeps calling him "The Moroder". Tolos goes on a rant about wrestlers in the 1950's - which makes sense, because this match looks like it is from the 1950's. Craig and Tolos discuss the way Whatley shakes his ass and the great success it can help lead him to. Seriously.

Winner = 'Pistol' Pez Whatley via crossbody

Watch some boxing on "state of the art videotape".

Wet N' Wild vs Johnny Kidd & Stone Cold
First "The Rock from Hawaii" and now Stone Cold??
Tolos and Craig say these are the top contenders for the World's Heavyweight Championship. WHAT?!?! Tolos calls Wild Thing "unorthodox" and doesn't think he's quite "elite level", which Craig takes a great deal of offense at. Craig thinks the jobberdudes should just quit and give the match to Wet N' Wild, while on the other hand Tolos thinks Wet N' Wild are having a tough time trying to beat them.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via crossbody

Crossbody is the new official move of the UWF, it would seem.

Tolos says the jobbers are awesome. Wet N' Wild looks like they may have gotten worse.

'The Boogie-Woogie Man' Jimmy Valiant is here! And he's looking... not so Boogie-Woogie. He is not happy with Colonel Red.

And we out!

Thoughts:

• UWF 2.0. might be twice as bad.
• I'm not sure what happened, but it seems with nine months of no television tapings, Herb forgot how to book screwy finishes - there were none at all for once!
• Throwing an ugly green belt on 'Cowboy' Bob Orton with almost no context is pretty darn great.
• This show is sorely missing Bruno on commentary.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 35

UWF Fury Hour Episode 35, 1st July 1991

UWF is like the past except people make explosion noises when they are slammed. WELCOME TO THE BEACH BRAWL!

It's the same intro from Craig and Bruno, except this time when Craig sends us to the show we get... an ad for AT&T.

Boris Zhukov (w/Mr. Red) vs Paul Samson
The ring announcer tells us "his oppponent weighs his opponent"? There is absolutely ZERO crowd response. Mr. Red calls both wrestlers professionals bahahaha. Anyone watching this match would argue differently - Samson can't even keep hold of an arm. And Zhukov runs the ropes like the ring is full of custard and he's trying not to splash any on his tights.

Winner = Boris Zhukov via clotheslines to the back of the head

That was just bad.

Craig and Brian are back in the office for a performance review with Mr. Red and Boris Zhukov.

Mr. Red just shouts at them, demanding they have to pay if they want to ask questions, but then decides they just need to use manners instead. I'll take money over manners, thanks. Mr. Red explains that he is such a staunch supporter of Russia because everyone in his hometown are wimps. Craig asks to wear Zhukov's hat, but then immediately takes it off and complains about it. Rude. Then he and Brian make fun of Zhukov's pay at The Beach Brawl. 

There was an advertisement for a wrestling show that featured a tag-team and their manager that I didn't recognise, so I thought maybe the UWF had some new exciting people coming in! Turns out it was an advertisement for a totally different wrestling promotion and TV show. 

The UWF have changed the date for their next tapings. Between that and the network advertising a different wrestling show, I'd say the future is looking good for the UWF!

Street Fight
Johnny Ace vs Terry Gordy
I'd review again, but fuck that.

No winners because of total bullshit IN A STREET FIGHT

Legends Match
Bob Backlund vs Ivan Koloff
Quick and painless.

Winner = Bob Backlund via rollup pin with bridge or whatever

After the match, Captain Lou Albano beats up Mr. Red and steals his pants because Albano is a dirty old man and also can't afford his own pants.

So, like, we've now had almost every match except the main event. How is that going to be stretched out for another 3 weeks??

The Generic Offices of Brian and Craig interview Mr. Red. Again?

Fuck you! Mr. Red is angry. So am I - I have to listen to Mr. Red some more! What the fuck? They keep saying Boris Zhukov lost at The Beach Brawl - we just saw the match 10 minutes ago and he fucking won! Mr. Red threatens to bring in more Russians until the UWF is just full of Russians. Then why don't you just go join a wrestling federation in Russia?? Red wants to take over Captain's Corner - would that make it the Mr.'s Corner? Brian says stealing his pants was Albano "just doing his job" - his job is stealing pants?? Mr. Red tells them to look in his eyes and Brian is like "not too close". Brian is actually fucking great. The fun part is Mr. Red's hillbilly accent makes his name sound like Mr. Ed, so it sounds like he's talking about the talking horse... who would actually be a great addition to the UWF roster.

Oh shit I had forgotten about when toothpaste came in a 'pump' like it was some amazing technological advancement.

Next week is more from The Beach Brawl. Just give me more office interviews and I'm a happy man.

Thoughts:

• This was bad.
• Really bad.
• WCW had P.N. News and his hilariously bad attempts at rapping, plus The Desperadoes looking for Stan Hansen. This show had Mr. Red, followed by the worst matches from The Beach Brawl, sandwiched with more Mr. Red.

UWF Fury Hour: Episode 31

UWF Fury Hour Episode 31, 3rd June 1991

New York! I'm excited because it's the last episode before The Beach Brawl and THIS IS THE FURY HOUR!!!

Herb is still in the editing room, warning you there will be a lot of talk about The Beach Brawl today, including a press conference or something. It's a "dynamite episode" you say? The lineup says otherwise...

Today we get two editions of Captain Lou's Corner? Oh fuck you! I'll blow you up with dynamite?

Ivan Koloff (w/Mr. Red) vs Chris Michaels (w/American flag)
Koloff has a manager now? We already had Mr. Black, now we've got Mr. Red - is this Reservoir Dogs? Mr. Red is bitching about Captain Lou Albano doing something to him... except this is the first time he's appeared?

He has a thick redneck accent, and then berates the New York crowd for being hillbillies. Bruno is like 'WTF? Does he even know where we are?'

Winner = Ivan Koloff via choke

Ivan beats Michaels with the chain after the fight, while Mr. Red distracts the referee. Why? The fight's over - the referee means nothing now. Holy shit, here comes Bob Backlund to make the save and keep us stuck in the 1970's.

Don Muraco has things to say to Terry Gordy. Terry Gordy just wants to talk about a parking lot.

Captain Lou's Corner
Terry Gordy says Don Muraco is a big man with a big reputation. He expects bombs will explode at The Beach Brawl. Captain Lou does not agree with Gordy's tactics but does respect his skills. Fuck off.

The UWF crew sit down to predict the main event. Bruno picks 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams to win, due to his experience and conditioning. Craig and Brian both pick Bam Bam Bigelow to win because he's a big fat dude and he's hungry? He's going to eat 'Dr. Death'? Herb agrees with Bruno and just looks unhappy in general.

Oh wow we're now actually getting a full rundown of the card for (The) Beach Brawl. It looks... like an episode of The Fury Hour.

Wet N' Wild vs Power Twins (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)
Bruno is slowly losing patience pretending to care about Wet N' Wild. Tolos is just nonchalantly beating Steve Ray with a chair and it's hilarious.

Sunny Beach hits a bulldog on one of the twins and Craig calls it a "powerbomb maneuver". The Power Twins bring in the surfboard. Bruno thinks they should be disqualified since they used it first, even though Wet N' Wild are the ones that get an advantage from it.

Draw via double-disqualification

Tolos beats Sunny Beach with his shoe. Craig calls Beach "sexy" so it's official - the lead commentator is blind.

The UWF will hold another show the night before (The) Beach Brawl and it actually looks somewhat interesting!

Beach Brawl Press Conference
Bam Bam Bigelow has decided to go full on bad guy for this. Which is weird, considering he's been a good guy since he arrived and 'Dr. Death' has been a real shit since about episode 2.

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano is joined by The Power Twins and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos. Apparently 'The Golden Greek will be spending some time in a cage?? Tolos: "I'm a man! I'm a man! A real man!". Albano repeats that he will be put in a cage. WHEN AND WHY FOR FUCK'S SAKE?!?! And now Tolos is calling some guys "insects". WHO??!??!

The (Killer) Bees vs Cash Jackson & Jobber Calhoun
I'm not going to lie to you, loyal readers; I lost interest in this match about 5 seconds in when The (No Longer Killer?) Bees came to the ring without wearing the old Bee masks or yellow jackets. I guess they lost all that swag along with the "Killer" part of their name?

Winners = The Bees via dropkick from 'Jumping' Jim Brunzell

Is Brunzell still 'Jumping' Jim or did he lose his nickname as well? Also, how much plastic surgery has the guy had??

Beach Brawl Press Conference part II
Bam Bam Bigelow justifies being fat because he's strong and works during the day...

Is 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams calling Bigelow "Polly"? He says he has flames on his feet that will remove Bigelow's tattoos or something. Don't ask me.

Ask The Wrestlers

Muraco says he has fought everyone but the toughest were Ivan Koloff and Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka. You never fought me! Snuka killed a lady; don't know if that's "tough", but it sure is shitty.

Nikolai Volkoff is proud to be Russian and also a US citizen. Sound like the worst of all fucking worlds, right there.

Nikolai Volkoff vs The Beast
The Beast punches Volkoff in the balls, but I guess low blows are legal in the UWF? Volkoff hits the worst spinning kick I've seen today. 

Winner = Nikolai Volkoff via clothesline

These Russians sure do like their clotheslines...

That's it??

Thoughts:

• Herb looks absolutely miserable. It's like his investment is not going so well, or something...
• This was the go-home to their first pay-per-view event, and it ended with Nikolai Volkoff and The Beast - two guys NOT on the pay-per-view.
• WCW was also fucking stupid at times, but I'm still giving it the win for this week.