WrestleMania March Madness, Day Thirteen: WrestleMania XIII

23 March 1997

Rosemont Horizon
Rosemont, Illinois - USA

Attendance: 18,197

Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Jerry 'the King' Lawler

I use Roman numerals in all of my titles because they look cooler.

It's Friday the 13th! Time for the horror of WrestleMania 13...

My thoughts before this viewing:
I can't recall the first time I saw this show. I can't really recall many matches from it either. That's because there is really only one match that matters on this show. Not only because it was the greatest match, but it also led to my favourite angle in pro-wrestling history. 1997 was a good year to be a fan. Until November. And not during WrestleMania. Let's see if this show can break the trend and make some sort of impression in my WrestleMania collection...

Opening Video Package
Recap of the previous WrestleManias - including Pamela Anderson & Jenny McCarthy's cleavage at WrestleMania XI. Glad they are reminiscing over the important things.

Bret Hart is called an "angry young" man. Love it! Super serious voice!
7/10

That totally looks like the cover of an old Playstation game.

Again, no musical performance, just straight to the wrestling. Kind of kills the big show feel of WrestleMania. But also means I don't have to hear how great America is.

Backstage
Todd Pettingill meets The New Blackjacks. They look like they've come straight from a gay bar.
2/10

4 Team Elimination Match
The Godwinns vs The Headbangers vs Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon vs The New Blackjacks
Here are your rules:

None of that matters much because about 2 minutes in The New Blackjacks are disqualified and Furnas & LaFon are counted out at the exact same time. Apparently Bill Clinton jokes are still necessary. As well as jokes about Vince McMahon being old.
Winners = The Headbangers via pinfall
3/10

These are The Headbangers:

And these are not:

The Honky Tonk Man appears to do guest commentary and sing along with his theme.

WWF Intercontinental Championship
Rocky Maivia (c) vs The Sultan (w/The Iron Sheik & Bob Backlund)

In case you didn't know, Rocky Maivia is Dwayne Johnson on his way to becoming The Rock.

It's hilarious seeing him show glimpses of his awesome but the crowd are so incredibly indifferent towards the guy. That would soon turn to hatred.
Winner = Rocky Maivia
4/10

The bad guys attack after the match and Vince complains that The Sultan is a sore loser; remember all the earlier WrestleManias when the good guys would lose and then beat up the bad guys for winning? Rocky's Dad comes out to save him. Seriously, you need your Dad to save you from the bad guys? No wonder the fans started chanting "Rocky sucks!".

Backstage
Todd Pettingill talks to Ken Shamrock, direct from the UFC. Pre-WWF Ken Shamrock was the man.
4/10

Backstage
Doc Hendrix talks with Hunter Hearst Helmsley with Chyna. Hunter says rude things because that's all he knows how to do.
1/10

Highlights of The Slammy Awards
Yes that's a real thing. Owen Hart stole awards, Shawn Michaels acted like a dick and women wore skimpy bikinis.

Goldust (w/Marlena) vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley (w/Chyna)

I had forgotten what Chyna looked like before her plastic surgery. Goldust told the commentators that he is concerned for Marlena's welfare at ringside - so why bring her to the ring? Why not leave her backstage, or bring someone else to look after her, or even just leave her at home where she can wrap up in blankets and watch some Sunset Beach? Chyna ends up grabbing Marlena and shaking her around so much it looks like someone shaking a mannequin or something. It is almost comical.
Winner = Hunter Hearst Helmsley via pinfall following pedigree
3/10

WWF Tag Team Championship
Owen Hart & The British Bulldog (c) vs Mankind & Vader (w/Paul Bearer)
A 'bad guys vs bad guys' match? Wow, I bet this will go down well...

Jim Ross ambushes Owen and Bulldog on their way to the ring and tries to stir shit between them. Bulldog has 2 belts and Owen has 2 Slammys - fuck off, Jim Ross.

Paul Bearer is almost as fat as Yokozuna. And Mankind now has possession of The Undertaker's urn - and it is yet another size and shape. And just as empty.
Double countout
4/10

Video Package
Bret Hart is struggling with the changes in the WWF. Steve Austin represents those changes and the Hitman must make him pay.
8/10

Submission Match
Bret 'Hitman' Hart vs 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
Guest Referee: Ken Shamrock

Ken Shamrock looks absolutely jacked.

Steve Austin makes a pretty awesome entrance with some smashing glass.

And Bret Hart comes to the ring like a man on a mission.

That mission?
Have an awesome match.

Mission accomplished.
Winner = Bret Hart via sharpshooter
10/10

Steve Austin never gave up - while in the sharpshooter and with his face covered in blood, he passed out from the pain and Shamrock awarded the match to the Hitman.

After the match, Bret beats up on Austin some more so Ken Shamrock challenges Bret to throw down.

Bret gets pissed and leaves.
Can I add another 10?

Backstage
Todd Pettingill is with the Nation of Domination. There sure are a lot of them. And they say they have stuff with which to beat up their opponents with.
3/10

Chicago Street Fight
Legion of Doom & Ahmed Johnson vs Nation of Domination
Having to follow that match? No thanks.

Lots of fighting and brawling with garbage cans, road signs and fire extinguishers. Though there was a funny moment with a 2x4:

Winners = Legion of Doom & Ahmed Johnson via pinfall
3/10

They keep brawling and then they brawl some more.

Shawn Michaels comes out to do commentary for the main event and gets a full intro with pyro and everything. He also forgets to pretend his leg is injured and then remembers every so often.

Backstage
Todd Pettingill talks to Sycho Sid. He is not afraid of the dark and likes to mumble.
3/10

Main Event
WWF World Heavyweight Championship
The Undertaker vs Sycho Sid (c)

Aware that he is better than everyone else, Bret Hart can't let them start the match before he tells everyone what he thinks of them.

So Sid powerbombs him. Dick. Shawn Michaels is especially annoying on commentary - not as annoying as that time he did commentary while drunk or high or whatever he was, but still annoying. The guy is a complete tool. Hilariously, he goes on about what both men are like to fight against in the ring, yet 6 months from now he will have a match with The Undertaker that was billed as their first ever. He says he misses being in the last match at WrestleMania - dude you've done it once. Once out of the 8 WrestleManias you have performed in. And you've actually lost most of those matches.
Realising this match sucks, Bret Hart comes back and beats Sid with a chair.

Payback is a bitch, Sid.

Vince calls Bret a loser. Fuck you Vince - Bret Hart won his match tonight! Sid's the loser.
Winner = The Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
New Champion!
5/10
And 4 of those points are because of Bret Hart's involvement.

The Undertaker celebrates while his theme plays us out.

WrestleMania XIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Bret 'Hitman' Hart vs 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
   Just a ridiculous match. There isn't a moment that slows down while these two "angry young men" try to destroy each other. The 'double-turn' at the end worked perfectly and this set Austin up as an absolute star.
2. Worst Match
   Goldust vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley
   Just a really boring match. Like most matches lately.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Bret 'Hitman' Hart being awesome. Seriously, if I could get my hands on some classic mid-90s Bret Hart merch I would be a very happy man.
   I didn't have to change anything from yesterday.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Shawn Michaels on commentary in the main event.
5. Star of the Show
   Bret 'Hitman' Hart. He was all over this show, from having a crazy awesome match and making Steve Austin into a star, to interrupting the boredom of the main event to continue being a jerk and hammering home that he really is now the biggest bad guy in the company. Incredible, considering he started this show as one of the biggest good guys. That's what makes him the best!
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   No celebrities this year - not even in attendance.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   No celebrities this year - not even in attendance.
8. Tonight's Meal
   To commemorate the departure of Bret Hart, I decided something very different; simple wrap filled with my patented nacho mixture (refried beans, tomatoes, beans, creamed corn & spices) and sour cream. This was my messiest meal so far, but was incredibly delicious. The Oatmeal Creme Pie was fine. Back to Pepsi Next because I really enjoy this beverage.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Incredibly, I managed to not spill anything on my shirt tonight. Considering how much food ended up on my face, I consider this a major victory equivalent with becoming the UFC heavyweight champion.
10. Overall Score
    This show is a lot like WrestleMania XII. Except this show doesn't have a great main event to save it. What it does have, however, is an incredible match halfway through that saves it. There are almost no backstage promos, no time wasting, but the other things are starting to creep in - they will make their presence more known in the next couple of shows. The hardest thing is saying goodbye to the Hitman - though at least he went out with one of the greatest matches possible. Without him this show would have been a complete waste of time.
    4.5 out of 10
    
    
    
    

WrestleMania March Madness, Day Eleven: WrestleMania XI

2 April 1995
Hartford Civic Center
Hartford, Connecticut

Attendance: 16,305

Commentators: Vince McMahon & Jerry 'the King' Lawler

My thoughts before this viewing:
I first saw this show in 1998 while catching up on my Bret Hart viewing. The event took place in 1995 so I wasn't overly behind, but boy was it different to wrestling at that time - you will see what I mean once we get to XIV and XV. Anyways, this show has left a lasting impression on me... as one of the worst WrestleManias of all time. Now there are others I've thought were terrible going in and they've turned out really enjoyable, so let's see how this one goes down in LOGMAN town...

Opening Video Package
We get a countdown of the previous WrestleManias. Well, it is actually just the celebrities from every WrestleMania. Including this year's:

Home Improvement's Jonathan Taylor Thomas!

 

Some guy from NYPD Blue!

 

Jenny McCarthy

Pamela Anderson!

 

Salt'n Pepa!

And a house full of football players...

3/10

I love this theme music. I must remember to download it illegally hit up iTunes for it later on.

We get a bunch of sound problems to start the show - you can hear 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper ranting about something and he obviously isn't supposed to be heard.

America the Beautiful
Vince gives a super half-arsed shit introduction for Kathy Huey, a Special Olympian who will be performing the song. She is obviously classically trained and very talented. For a spaz. This really ain't my jam. I have nothing against this lady, but I don't enjoy classical singing. Or this song.
3/10

Vince starts the show by thanking the "loyal fans for being here". In other words, business is down and we are really grateful some people are stupid enough to pay for this shit.

Opening Match
The British Bulldog & Lark 'the Lexissist' Lex Luger vs Jacob & Eli Blu (w/Uncle Zebekiah)

Holy shit - Bulldog and Luger have the greatest theme song. It is The British Bulldog's theme remixed with Luger's - another theme to download. Vince says the Blu Brothers are "big hairy mountain men". Lawler makes fun of Vince for being old, despite there being only 3 years between them. The crowd are excited, but then give absolutely no shits when Luger hits his finisher. Weird.
Winners = The British Bulldog & Lark 'the Lexissist' Lex Luger via pinfall
4/10

Jim Ross ambushes wrestlers on the way back to the dressing room after losing the match. That seems like a great use of the guy. Uncle Zebekiah rants about nothing.

Nicholas Turturro is backstage. The audio fails completely so they scrap this. I guess having money and success is relative to the WWF putting on a good show?

Backstage
Razor Ramon and the 1-2-3 Kid are getting ready for Razor's match. 1-2-3 Kid is terrible on the mic. Just terrible. And he looks about 12.
1/10

WWF Intercontinental Championship
Razor Ramon (w/The 1-2-3 Kid) vs Jeff Jarrett (c) (w/The Roadie)

Vince claims "there have been so many near falls!" after only the second. I guess that's relative, so he can say there have been so many great matches once they can scrape one out of this show. The 1-2-3 Kid looks like he's from a bad 80s Ninja movie. The kind of movie where a bad guy has recruited from the local High School to form a gang of young Ninja and 1-2-3 Kid is the gang's leader - the bad guy's protege. And when the hero of the film wants to put a stop to their evil plans, he has to battle the 1-2-3 Kid - all the other kids realise the error of their ways and go back to their families, but 1-2-3 Kid is stupid and loyal the bad guy. Irony - Razor Ramon's nick name is The Bad Guy. And 1-2-3 Kid is stupid.

The match was longer than that movie.
Winner = Razor Ramon via disqualification
2/10

The 1-2-3 Kid beats up the Roadie and makes all sorts of stupid gestures like he is still in that bad movie.

Until Jeff Jarrett beats him up instead. So then Razor beats Jarrett and Roadie up. Then I beat up my TV...

Jim Ross ambushes Jarrett and says he should be ashamed of himself about 20 times.

Backstage
Nicholas Turturro again. They are actually pretending this is live when it obviously not, because everything happens exactly like it did before. Except this time we have sound. He can't find Pamela Anderson so settles for Jenny McCarthy instead and I'm pretty sure she is drunk.

Shawn Michaels comes in because he sees a pretty lady - and boy Jenny seems excited to see him. He and Sid rant about Diesel.
1/10

Shill for merch.
There are all sorts of combo deals this year. This is like a full on infomercial. The poster doesn't feature Mr. T, so why would anyone buy it?

The audio problems continue.
This company is actually falling apart.

The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs King Kong Bundy (w/'The Million Dollar Man' Ted Dibiase)
Oh shit, it's Bundy! And he is even fatter than when we last saw him!

He has obviously been devouring midgets while not at WrestleMania. The Undertaker has an awesome entrance with thunderbolts and lightning. Very very frightening.

The Undertaker's urn is now as big as King Kong Bundy. And it has a light in it...

What am I watching here, Indiana Jones?

Hilariously, I started wondering who The Undertaker was going to face at WrestleMania in 1995 - I actually forgot I was watching WrestleMania!

People keep fighting over the urn and it makes it super obvious there is nothing inside. Except an LED, I guess.
Winner = The Undertaker via pinfall following clothesline
1/10

More thunder - ah ah-a ah ah-a aaah aaaah.

Backstage
Nicholas Turturro is still trying to find Pamela Anderson. He says word is her and Shawn had a big argument so she bailed. The truth is Shawn tried to put the moves on her and Tommy Lee threatened to beat his ass all over the building. I'd actually pick Tommy Lee in that fight. Nicholas runs into a group of American football players. And then Bob Backlund playing chess against Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Backlund lost.
-1/10

Don't tell me we've peaked already?

Razor Ramon and the 1-2-3 Kid are crying on the hotline. You too can pay $2 a minute to listen to them be all sad voice because they got beaten up!

In The Crowd
Todd Pettingill is talking to yet another American football player. If you are a big fan of American football, then this is the WrestleMania for you! Alas, I give no shits whatsoever. None.
1/10

The next PPV is called In Your House and the WWF are going to give away a house. The what?!?!? It looks nice, too. How about you guys skip ridiculous prizes like that and instead use the money to improve the show? I still remember the In Your House video game, it was really fun. If anyone ever finds it for the Playstation, please send it my way.

WWF Tag Team Championship
The Smoking Gunns (c) vs Owen Hart & Yokozuna (w/Mr. Fuji & Jim Cornette)
The Smoking Gunns are cowboys. And if their tight pants, cowboy hats and stupid moustaches didn't give it away, they do some pretend gun twirling to really hammer it home.

Yokozuna is now even bigger! Lawler thinks he has been eating dinosaurs - and I'd believe it.

Bart gets dumped out of the ring and takes out a photographer, because they are absolutely lining the ring. It is crazy. This is one of those matches where the bad guys are being cheered at the end for winning. Seriously. That's a sign your good guys are fail.
Winners = Owen Hart & Yokozuna via pinfall following squash with fat ass
New Champions!
2/10

It actually makes sense that two guys who have beaten the amazing Bret 'Hitman' Hart would make a formidable tag team.

Fan fest happened again. It looked cool and all, but I was too busy staring at this woman's hair:

Backstage
Todd Pettingill is with Bam Bam Bigelow who plans to beat Lawrence Taylor. I admire his confidence.
4/10

'I Quit' Match
Bret 'Hitman' Hart vs Mr. Bob Backlund
Guest Referee: 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper

To win this match, you must make your opponent say "I quit".

Vince McMahon thinks Bret beat the Bulldog at WrestleMania VIII because he really knows nothing about his own show. Piper keeps sticking a microphone in everyone's faces and asking "What do you say?". Even Bret looks pissed about it. Though it does lead to comedy; Bret has Backlund in a hold and after getting a "No" from Backlund, Piper decides to ask if Bret would like to give up instead. Bret doesn't say anything, just gives him a look of "Fuck off, you goof." And then the PPV feed dies.

You can't even get your show to work during a Bret Hart Match?!?!?
Fuck you and your company, Vince.
We finally come back and the match is over. Oh that's just super! Now I have to find an online stream of this match...
Turns out Bret had Backlund in his own 'Chicken-wing' submission hold and Backlund just kept screaming "Yes!" instead of "I quit" because he is a moron and can't even finish the match properly.
Winner = Bret 'Hitman' Hart via submission
6/10

Jim Ross ambushes Backlund - he claims he saw "the light". Guess someone had the Undertaker's urn in front of him.

Backstage
Nicholas Turturro announces Pamela Anderson has left the building. Everyone is sad face.
1/10

Backstage
Todd Pettingill is with Diesel and a whole lot of sound issues. Vince sounds exasperated by now. Todd asks how Diesel feels about Shawn Michaels saying there is no way he won't be leaving with the belt and Diesel responds "Well, that's exactly how I feel.". So you agree there is no way Shawn Michaels isn't leaving without the championship belt? He continues to suck up a storm by stumbling over everything he says and tries to recover by shouting. Bahahahahaha.
Fuck off.
-1/10

Worst WWF champion ever.

Vince decides he is going to blame Jerry Lawler for all of the sound issues. Typical boss, blaming the workers for shit failing.

WWF World Heavyweight Championship
Diesel (c) vs Shawn Michaels (w/Sid & Jenny McCarthy)
Guest Ring Announcer: Nicholas Turturro
Guest Timekeeper: Jonathan Taylor Thomas

Vince and Lawler absolutely bury Nicholas Turturro. Dude, you are the moron that hired the guy!
Michaels comes out with Jenny McCarthy instead of Pamela Anderson because he has a much better chance with her - I refuse to believe she is sober.

Diesel then surprises the crowd by bringing out Pamela Anderson.

You know, it is easy to forget that both of these women were once very attractive. Very attractive. And very easy to forget...
Crowd are chanting for Michaels and booing when Diesel kicks out of nearfalls. Worst champion ever. Vince is trying to claim that Diesel is the underdog; so a guy with an advantage of 2 feet and 100 pounds is the underdog? Diesel 'hulks up' - WTF? Then he pulls on Michaels' pants and tries to give the crowd a view...

Jonathan Taylor Thomas looks incredibly bored by all of this.

Diesel looks like he needs to go to sleep. Michaels gets another near fall and the crowd BOOOOOs when Diesel kicks out. Worst champ ever. Diesel 'hulks up again! And to more boos! He and Michaels completely fuck up the powerbomb finisher but go with the pin anyway because fuck 'em.
Winner = Diesel via pinfall following botched powerbomb
5/10

Sid is angry! Both ladies now join Diesel to celebrate - I guess to the winner goes the spoils. Oh shit, Vince McMahon just said the exact same thing! Fuck you.

Backstage
Todd Pettingill is with Shawn Michaels and Sid for more angry yelling. Boo hoo you lost and can't do promos.
2/10

Musical Performance
Salt'n Pepa performing their hit song Whatta Man. And they've changed the lyrics to rap about the main event. Good stuff
8/10

Main Event
Lawrence Taylor vs Bam Bam Bigelow
The media frenzy for this match is like the first WrestleMania all over again! It is honestly insane. Pity they saved this hype for the worst WrestleMania of all time - they should have done this shit when the Hitman was champion and the WWF would have made millions. Bam Bam has a team of bad guys to surround the ring.

But don't worry, LT has a group of popular American footballers to combat them!

Bam Bam Bigelow comes out and is most displeased with Salt'n Pepa's lyrics so threatens to destroy them and eat their gold records.

And here comes LT - Lawrence Taylor.

Jerry Lawler seems intent on blaming Diesel for everything that happens. I'm really not sure why - he isn't in the match or even near the ring. Are they going to blame him for the audio problems as well?
Winner = Lawrence Taylor via pinfall following clothesline
5/10

Ted Dibiase calls Bam Bam an embarrassment. What a jerk, kicking a man when he is down.

LT and all the NFL guys party with Salt'n Pepa, who decide to perform Whatta Man again to play us out.

WrestleMania X: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Bret 'Hitman' Hart vs Mr. Bob Backlund
   It wasn't even a great match - certainly not by the Hitman's usual standard - but everything else on this show sucked. Most of them quite badly. And this match could have been a lot better if 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper hadn't been in the way so much. Lo and behold, Piper tries to ruin yet another WrestleMania match with his awful.
2. Worst Match
   The Undertaker vs King Kong Bundy
   What a surprise - a zombie against a big fat piece of shit made for an un-entertaining match. Notice a trend lately? The Undertaker's matches have been terrible. That's because everyone loves a zombie with magical powers... until it has to wrestle like a zombie with magical powers.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Watching 'Diesel Power' lead this company to the brink of failure.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Watching 'Diesel Power' lead this company to the brink of failure.
5. Star of the Show
   Bret 'Hitman' Hart. He didn't have a promo. He didn't have a great match. In fact, he barely did anything. But he got the biggest crowd reaction next to Lawrence Taylor and Pamela Anderson, so that makes him still the best.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Salt'n Pepa. Their performance was great and changing the lyrics to fit with the main event was a really great touch. Respect.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Kid looked like he didn't really want to be there. Except for the end when he got to stand in the ring with Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy. I was surprised he was willing to stand up, if you know what I mean...
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight's wrap was a slight modification to the meal I had during WrestleMania IX; egg plant, mushrooms, tomato and spring onion on baby spinach, with beetroot & garlic hummus and topped with salsa and sour cream. I knew what I was getting into, WrestleMania-wise, and hoped having a delicious meal would help bring more enjoyment. I was wrong. A truckload of Pepsi-Max was needed to get through this show. The Oatmeal Creme Pie was fine. I think by then I was in shock and couldn't really taste anything.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I would quite like to clean this t-shirt. Not just because of the food stains, but also just so it is clean of the awful that was this show.
10. Overall Score
    You remember at WrestleMania VI when I said Rhythm & Blues' performance was the King of the Kickboxers of musical performances? Well, WrestleMania XI is the King of the Kickboxers of WrestleManias! It was one big trainwreck, from technical shit not working right, to their biggest celebrity refusing to take part in 99% of the show, to the guy they are trying to make the next Hulk Hogan completely screwing up his promo in a VERY hilarious way and then the crowd basically turning on him. It was a box of terrible with a really funny face on it - and that's the way I like my trainwrecks. Just listening to the defeat in Vince McMahon's voice halfway through this show brought a smile to my face.
    
    If there is a WrestleMania worse than this, I may need to start lacing the Pepsi with tequila.
    2 out of 10