WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXVIII, Night Two

2 April 2022

AT&T Stadium
Dallas, Texas - USA

Attendance: 65,653 

Commentators: Michael Cole, Pat McAfee, Jimmy Smith, Corey Graves & Byron Saxton

We're back - "WrestleMania Saturday" was pretty good, and now I actually know what is in store for tonight's show; Johnny Fucking Knoxville, Pat McAfee, and Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns. Insert shrug emoji.

NIGHT TWO

America the Beautiful

Jesse James Decker is apparently many wonderful things. She is a pretty good singer, but bah gawd she has some nasal qualities and a hideous Southern twang going on. That said, this is easily the best performance of the weekend.
6/10

Opening Video Package

Mark Wahlberg says "it's rare the sequel is as good as the original". My man made Transformers: The Last Knight, so he knows from experience. He then says "We gotta run it back"; so you're saying we are just going to do all the matches from last night again? I bet this dude got paid millions of dollars for this 30 second appearance. Stupendous!

5/10

Triple H's music hits and bah gawd this show is already worse than last night. Is this his chance to do the thank you to the fans and welcome to WrestleMania? They should warn me if he's opening the show so I can do something else during that time, like make my wraps, pour some Pepsi, or stick my head in the microwave. Seriously, fifteen minutes of him thinking he's Vince McMahon? And retiring, or something? I don't know. Just fuck off.

Triple Threat

Raw Tag-Team Championship

RK-Bro (c) vs The Street Profits vs Alpha Academy

I don't know who the hell Alpha Academy are and someone should run Matt Riddle down with a burning Hummer, but The Street Profits are cool so at least I have one team to support here. What is up with this fucking "Alpha" moron doing the stupidest "Shush" ever? Oh hey - I remember Otis from previous WrestleMania's! He had a beard and was fun. Now he has none of those things. Montez Ford is fucking YEAH!
Orton & Riddle double-team the Profits and both act like Orton, which is very silly. Alpha Chad Gable has tried the top-rope twice now and both times he looks like he is about to poo his pants and throw up. Honestly, dude, if you're not comfortable with it you should just stay off, because you look stupider. Lots of high-flying crazy shit. Lots of shit in general.

Winners = RK-Bro via pinfall following Orton hitting an RKO.

6/10

I would rate that match higher if it involved better people. However, Montez Ford is awesome and this should have been his moment so his family could have a big WrestleMania weekend. Make him WWE Champion and I might tune in again. Hahaha just kidding.

Post-match, the Profits pour drinks for RK-Bro and then call over that Gable Stevenson guy WWE signed yesterday. Chad Gable is not happy. Because they are both called Gable and wrestle? New Gable doesn't know what he's doing at all... but then daaaamn suplex!

Bobby Lashley vs Omos

It's not a terrible 'big man' match, but then they fuck something up and it kills the crowd. Lashley goes for The Hurt Lock, but Omos says 'Nope!'. Omos just throws Lashley around some more. That's a big man he's throwing and catching! Lashley suplexes Omos and the crowd goes nuts.

Winner = Bobby Lashley via pinfall following spear

7/10

I'm probably being generous, but I enjoy when big dudes fight like big dudes. Omos does look terrible trying to sell stuff, though.

There's a video of WWE hanging out with retards and George W. Bush. So extra retards.

Pat McAfee is still commentating - shouldn't he be preparing for his pro-wrestling debut?

Video Package

Sami Zayn is still paranoid and making bad videos. Johnny Knoxville is old and has brain damage. Legit. He put Zayn's phone number on Instagram, so people called him while he was trying to eat dinner or something. How are these highlights being set to a really fun pop-rock song?

7/10

Anything Goes
Johnny Knoxville vs Sami Zayn

Is it really impossible to just call a match "No Disqualification"? Knoxville comes out wearing safety goggles. He should be wearing a fucking crash helmet. Zayn tries to grab something from under the ring and there are a whole bunch of mouse traps. Huh? This is like a hardcore match from 1999 where a whole lot of dumb shit just happens for no reason. Knoxville blows an airhorn at Zayn as he runs towards him, but he does it too late like a total doofus. Some idiot I guess from Jackass is now in the ring? Zayn is scared of a guy in his underpants, which totally makes sense if pro-wrestling were performed in full body suits. Why is he rolling him under the ring? Oh, that's because there is another Jackass character hiding under there. A little dude slams Zayn and Knoxville hits a tornado DDT. Then the Jackass guys bring some sort of kicking contraption into the ring. What the fuck is the point of that? Wouldn't it just be easier to kick the dude with your own leg? And how does Knoxville have control of the pyro? Then Knoxville pulls out a taser like he thinks he's Colonel DeBeers. Zayn runs into a... giant hand?

Tongs to the wang and then he goes through a mousetrap-covered table he setup earlier. The Jackass crew then bring in a giant mousetrap. Pat McAfee calls this "majestic" and "stupendous" BAHAHAHA I like this Pat McAfee. The giant mouse trap breaks, so Knoxville has to manually make it catch Zayn.

Winner = Johnny Knoxville via pinfall from mousetrap?

7/10

I mean, it was totally stupid bullshit. But I laughed. And Pat McAfee is actually great.

Backstage, the door to Brock Lesnar's dressing room is shown. I'm guessing this was to remind the other wrestlers that he is the only star, so only he deserves his own dressing room.

Fatal 4-Way

Women's Tag-Team Championship

They announce the rules, and once again it is one fall to a finish. THAT'S NOT FATAL AT ALL YOU DUMBFUCKS.
Naomi & Sasha Banks vs Liv Morgan & Rhea Ripley vs Shayna Baszler & Natalya vs Queen Zelina & Carmella (c)

Naomi does her typical dancing and glowing, while her tag-team partner comes out in a Lamborghini. Liv Morgan and Rhea Ripley have decided to dress up as Catwomen. Of course, the geniuses on commentary think they are Batwomen. Huh - this is like a party for people whose tag-partners at last year's WrestleMania got fired. Carmella is now being billed as "the most beautiful woman in WWE" - which is stupid - and she's wearing some stupid mask covering her face? Sasha and Morgan kick everyone out of the ring so they can try and have an actual wrestling match, I guess. I think I ask this most WrestleManias, but how is it Natalya grew up around this business and has an Uncle that is actually the greatest ever, yet here we are probably 20 years into her career and she is still so darn average. And how is it Shayna Baszler was so average at MMA but is so darn good at this pro-wrestling thing? I like Liv Morgan, but her screaming is comical. And she is not strong enough for this Tower of Doom.

Winners = Sasha Banks & Naomi via double-team pin

4/10

New Champions!

It... actually wasn't as bad as I expected!

They show a replay of the tag-team match from last night, but refuse to explain how The Miz tagging his partner in the middle of the ring was allowed.

Video Package

Edge thinks he is the most important part of WrestleMania and starts shit with AJ Styles for no reason. Cool. Edge is sad because he's been having bad matches, or something. Styles is the king of WrestleMania matches not living up to the hype, so you two are made for each other. Also, crushing his head with a chair is probably not going to make him perform better. Holy shit, Edge is a truly terrible promo.

2/10

AJ Styles vs Edge

The commentators say AJ Styles has been taking out WWE legends... like... Austin Theory. Who?? Edge comes out on a throne like he's Triple H or some shit. He even has a new entrance song. You know, as average as AJ Styles has become in WWE, he is certainly using that WWE paycheck to take good care of his hair. He bashes Edge's headed into the steps. Graves thinks the sternum is where your ribs are. Edge is now dominating, but what did he hurt his knees doing a move or something? Edge continues to slow the match down like he's heel Bret Hart minus the awesomeness. Styles with the epic slide into the turnbuckles. Lots of reversals that end with Edge getting an STF locked in. Makes me wonder if John Cena is ever coming back. Or at least giving us a Bumblebee sequel. More reversals. Styles goes for a Torture Rack, which is weird from a little dude like him, but Omos should totally use that as his finisher. Imagine someone up on that giant's shoulders. More submission reversals. I could have saved us all a bunch of time and just written that and nothing else. Styles hits a superplex onto the ring apron? Jeebus. The referee hits them with the looooongest outside 10-count ever, but then doesn't count them down at all when they have been laying in the middle of the ring for a minute. Edge kicks out of the Styles Clash, so Damian Priest runs out to distract... Styles.

Winner = Edge via pinfall following a spear of all fucking things

7/10

It was too long and a bit boring, but I did consider a higher score until that stupid ending.

Edge and Priest are being hyped as the "new breed" or some shit. I don't care. Do what you want - I am 100% certain they won't be together come next WrestleMania.

New Day vs Sheamus & Ridge Holland (w/Butch?)
Bryon Saxton continues to make it abundantly clear he does not watch Smackdown. Neither do I. After that last match, this one need to be quick. And thankfully, it is.

Winners = Sheamus & Ridge Holland via pinfall

4/10

I don't care enough about those bad guys to care about that match.

Michael Cole hyping the main event: "There has never been a WrestleMania match like this!". Except twice before.

The Weeknd are responsible for another WrestleMania theme. And this one probably sucks more.

The Undertaker comes out to walk around and give a bit of a wave. It's like he is taunting us that this show will never end.

Video Package

Pat McAfee always wanted to be a pro-wrestler, but took up American Football instead. It pays better. Austin Theory is Vince McMahon's favourite wrestler or some shit. I care less about him than ever. Pat McAfee is living his dream.

6/10

Pat McAfee vs Austin Theory (w/Vince McMahon)

McMahon does his stupid strut down the ring and the commentators kiss his ass, because that is what all WWE employees do. Fans do it for free, because they are stupid. Why does Theory call himself "A-Town"? That's possibly the stupidest nickname since "The Real OC". McMahon clearly tells Theory what to do with his cellphone and they take selfies together. Jeebusfuckingchrist. McAfee comes out to Seven Nation Army - noice. And the Dallas Cheerleaders - not so noice. Cole reminds us he is actually undefeated at WrestleMania, so hopefully McAfee wins tonight and sets up a streak vs streak match at WrestleMania XXXIX. Cole makes jokes about Vince being old and deaf - holy shit, when did this dude get balls?? It's especially funny, given his job involves having Vince yell in his headset about what to say. McAfee thinks he is The Rock and starts to commentate himself beating up Theory. McAfee misses a top-rope swanton, but holy shit he hits a picture perfect backflip. And leaps to the top rope like a mofo.

Winner = Pat McAfee via pinfall via rollup and holding the tights.

6/10

Vince berates his 'chosen one' and then challenges McAfee to a match or something.

Pat McAfee vs Vince McMahon (w/Austin Theory)

Theory attacks McAfee from behind, which leads to Vince beating up McAfee... and the crowd chanting "You still got it!" at Vince? You fucking morons deserve this shit. Theory attacks McAfee some more - why is that not a disqualification? Man, what a way to absolutely murder what was a feelgood moment. Vince is given a football - dude should be careful, he might break his leg. Then he kicks it into McAfee bahahaha how fucking stupid.

Winner = Vince McMahon via pinfall following football?

-5/10

That was the second stupidest thing I've seen all weekend. Fuck this show.

McMahon's music hits and Vince has a heart attack - clearly that was a fuckup on someone's part and he was expecting someone else, because then 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin's music plays and he comes out. Stupid fucking old man can't hear music properly - Cole was right. Let me get this straight; you had a great thing with Pat McAfee living the dream and winning his pro-wrestling debut at WrestleMania, only to immediately destroy that goodwill so Vince could have one last WrestleMania moment with Steve Austin? Austin hits Theory with the Stunner and the kid gives it the biggest bump ever hahaha. Vince wants to have a beer with Austin for old times' sake. We all know where that is heading. HOLY SHIT WORST STUNNER EVER!! 

Austin is pissing himself.

Austin very gently stomps old POS Vince. I'm guessing McAfee is next for the beer/stunner combo... McAfee spits beer everywhere and Austin seems to love it. Austin then pours beer on the dude for good measure, then plugs his beer label on the way out.

Video Package

You'd think for "the biggest main event in WrestleMania history" they'd do something a bit more interesting than just having boring highlights set to a shitty Metallica song. I'd hope there was actually some kind of story involved here, but what would I know.

1/10

Main Event

WWE Championship Unification

Brock Lesnar (WWE Champion) vs Roman Reigns (WWE Universal Champion) (w/Paul Heyman)

The result for this is pretty clear-cut; Reigns is winning. He's the future of WWE and the chosen one and this is what they've been building for like six years now or however long it has been since he started headlining this garbage truck. The real question for me is: will this actually be interesting? Because their last match sure was not. What is going on in CGI Roman Reigns' crotch??

He's upgraded his Thanos glove to red, so now it is faster? He has a microphone and I'm scared I am going to have to listen to one of his promos, but thankfully he just delivers one boring sentence about acknowledging him. I do! I acknowledge you are one boring motherfucker! Lesnar's having a great time - he gives zero fucks about winning and losing, so long as the man gets paid. The match gets going and it is just spamming suplexes and (not so) Superman punches. The hilarity that these dumbfucks in the crowd actually think Lesnar might win this with a single F5. Also hilarious that the referee is knocked out and misses all sorts of cheating, but can easily see someone calling him over to make the pin a second later. Heyman truly is a barrel of WrestleCrap with his "My tribal chief" babbling. What the fuck am I watching here...

Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall following a spear

5/10

New unified champion?

Roman Reigns poses with his belts forever and gets some pyro and fuck you good night!

WrestleMania XXXVIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   AJ Styles vs Edge
   It was mighty slow at points and went a bit long. And while I thoroughly enjoyed The Knoxville/Zayn match, that enjoyment was based on fucking how stupid the whole thing was.
2. Worst Match
   Pat McAfee vs Vince McMahon
   Yeah. Fuck Vince McMahon.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Pat McAfee having the absolute time of his life. Close second would be Vince McMahon completely fucking up the Stunner at all-time levels.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Pat McAfee vs Vince McMahon
5. Star of the Show
   'Stone Cold' Steve Austin. Not even close.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Pat McAfee.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Logan Paul was in the highlights, so he can have this again because fuck that guy.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Wraps featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, red onion, olives and corn fritters, topped with burger sauce. Honey mustard may have suited it more. PepsiMax with raspberry is good for a change and possibly improved my attitude.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Which is nice, because I do not wish to ruin my Easter pyjamas.
10. Overall Score
    This was the night of the bad guys! Even when there were moments the good guys won, the bad guys got the upperhand after the match to get the HEAT. The bullshit with Vince McMahon - look, I get it, but it was a poor idea executed poorly. The main event was obvious. But on the whole, not nearly as bad as I expected and, well, I actually had a fun old time with plenty of WrestleCrap madness.
    5 out of 10

WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXVII, Night One

10 April 2021
Raymond James Stadium
Tampa, Florida - USA

Attendance: 17,946

Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Samoa Joe & Byron Saxton

My thoughts before this viewing:
Oh yeah we are back at it! It's Good Friday, which makes it Bad Friday again! I am trying to keep this as an Easter tradition, because Good Friday means all the shops are closed and it's cold - so what else am I going to do? Enjoy my day? Forget that silliness! Especially because this shit is just getting longer and longer each year. But last year, WrestleMania got delayed by a couple of weeks and ended up taking place the week after Easter, which completely fudged my plan - once again, Vince McMahon trying his best to make things difficult for me. But, joke's on him! This year, I'll watch last year's WrestleMania today and then this year's WrestleMania on Easter Sunday. Two days - two WrestleManias! So joke's on... me?!?

I'm not too sure what we have in store tonight; I watched the Royal Rumble last year, and from that I recall both Edge and Bianca Belair will be receiving title shots. Against who, I'm not that sure. I also assume Roman Reigns will be in the main event like always. And a bunch of old dudes that will actually get the crowd to cheer in ways the current "superstars" can't. 

NIGHT ONE

They've saved all the pirate decorations from last year - glad those record profits aren't actually going back into the product. Vince McMahon decides to open the show with some rousing speech about welcoming back the fans or some shit. Fuck him and fuck them and fuck you, WWE.

America the Beautiful

Bebe who? And some other girl on guitar that didn't warrant an introduction? The guitar playing isn't bad. The singing is. This song is still the worst. And what in the fuck happened at the end?

3/10

Opening Video Package

I don't recall Mankind jumping off a cage at WrestleMania? Oh my gawd - they're even repeating the whole Captain Jack Sparrow nonsense from last year's opening video package. Though I do enjoy every year we hear the "Once in a lifetime!" tagline from The Rock/Cena which was actually twice in a lifetime. This shit gets dumber every year and I'm dumb for watching.

2/10

There is some sort of weather delay? What, lightning might strike and blow up the arena? Well then, LET'S GET THIS SHOW STARTED!

Backstage Interview
Sarah Not Kayla is with Shane McMahon and he is looking worse than ever - and he hasn't even started wrestling! He thinks Braun Strowman is stupid and it's fun to make fun of him. Sarah tells him to pick on someone his own size - so someone smaller?

MVP and Bobby Lashley interrupt to say "this is The All Mighty Era!" or something? Drew McIntyre takes issue with this. He then takes over the interview time to tell us he's all about keeping his emotions together. Ummm coming out before your match to act like a crazy man towards the guy you'll be having a match against is a clear sign you do not have your emotions under control.
2/10

Now we have to talk to the Pre-Show Panel? I already had to sit through an hour of these morons and there is only so much of this Peter Shillburger I can take.

Backstage Interview
Some British Nerd is with New Day's Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston. Kofi is looking old and his chest is collapsing. He isn't sure AJ Styles and Omos are a registered tag-team. What?? Woods talks about New Day being small, but I'm pretty sure AJ Styles may actually be smaller than them. Big E comes in and gives a rousing sermon.
4/10

Michael Cole calls this "WrestleRainia" and it sounds like Samoa Joe used all the restraint in the world to not punch him in the mouth.

Backstage Interview
Sarah talks to Braun Strowman, who claims he is standing up for all the people in the world who have been bullied. This dude is like 6'9" and 300 pounds. He isn't getting bullied by anyone. His vision of winning the match sounds an awful lot like murder - Shane should probably call the cops.
3/10

Back to the Pre-Show Panel. Peter Peter Shill-O-Meter tells us how amazing Vince McMahon is and I'm going to puke. On him.

Backstage Interview
British Nerd wants to interview Kevin Owens Mac, but Kevin Owens Mac is like 'Dude, you're too lame - give me the microphone'. He gives some sort of history of his friendship with Sami Zayn and oh my fucking gawd we are doing yet another 'Kevin Owens was best friends with Wrestler X and now they are enemies and must fight at WrestleMania' story. He also threatens Logan Paul. Just because? Or is Logan Paul going to be at WrestleMania to complete the suckitude?
5/10

Michael Cole and Samoa Joe are being rained on. Joe should drown Cole.

Backstage Interview
Bianca Belair tells Sarah she is nervous because she cares. Sarah tells her she is "making HERstory".
4/10

Backstage Interview
British Nerdburger interviews Seth Rollins who apparently gets his name wrong, but I'm hardly going to fault him for that given what I'm calling him. But at least I now know his name isn't Mike. Rollins laughs a lot and can't pronounce Cesaro properly. This guy actually used to be enjoyable, you know.
2/10

Sarah is joined by The Miz and John Morrison. Tonight they'll be facing Damian Priest and Bad Bunny. Maybe this rain delay could last forever? The Miz: "The fun & games are over!". He's never been more right; I'm watching The Miz at WrestleRainia and there is no fun to be had at all.
-2/10

Video Package
Drew McIntyre was WWE Champion, but somehow Bobby Lashley became champion by helping The Miz become champion? McIntyre thinks Lashley is afraid to fight him. He could have just not agreed to this match if he didn't want to do it... It is now "The All Mighty Era."
6/10

Titus O'Neil and Hulk Hogan are our hosts, so I'm guessing we are finally ready to get started. And Titus is here to help rehabilitate our racist American hero. O'Neil welcomes the crowd, while Hogan just stands there looking old, throwing out the occasional "brother".

Opening Match
WWE Championship
Drew McIntyre vs Bobby Lashley (c) (w/MVP)
All this CGI stuff around the ring is sooooo bad!

Lashley gets lightning for his introduction? Did the production team mistake him for The Undertaker? They're having a kinda fun big-man match - except for when McIntyre decides to do some silly fake Jiu-Jitsu. So Lashley just pounds on him and it is fun! Big dudes should just fight like this!
Lots of back and forth with big moves. Drew kinda fucks up a superplex so they just beat on each other on top of the turnbuckle. McIntyre puts Lashley in a Kimura and Cole makes some reference to McIntyre and Brock Lesnar and I have no idea what he's on about, because I saw that match and it was legit only two different big moves. And neither of them were a Kimura. McIntyre taunts Lashley with a "Bring it, Bitch!" and then Lashley beats the snot out of him HAHAHA. McIntyre spams the shittiest looking DDT I've ever seen, then dives over the top rope. They run a slow-mo replay and it shows his wang clipping the top rope as he went over hee hee.

It's 2021 and giving the Full Nelson a new name doesn't make it any less lame than it was 50 years ago.

Winner = Bobby Lashley via Hurt Lock/Full Nelson
6/10

Drew McIntyre squashed Brock Lesnar last WrestleMania when no one was around to care. The minute they get fans back in the building, and he just gets smoked. WrestleMania moments!

The Super Old NWO are backstage with Titus O'Neil and Bayley. And nothing happens.

Undertaker NFT's are a great way of separating the normal people from the criminally stupid.

Tag-Team Turmoil Match
Match #1
Lana & Naomi vs Billie Kay & Carmella
Lana & Naomi do some raving or some shit before the match.

It's stupid and so are they. Oh great, the idea of this match wasn't bad enough, so they have to add Corey Graves on commentary. He's actually married to Carmella, so he likely insists on calling her matches. I insist on calling her garbage and annoying. Why the fuck is this match actually on WrestleMania? I know they fired a lot of wrestlers due to "budget cuts" but surely they have better wrestlers who could have wrestled instead? Lana is about as talented as my man Death Row 3260.

Winners = Billie Kay & Carmella via some cheating pin nonsense.

At least that was quick?

Match #2
The Riott Squad vs Billie Kay & Carmella
I want to like The Riott Squad, but bah gawd do I hate Billie Kay & Carmella. They both just fill the arena with high-pitched yelling.

Winners = The Riott Squad via doubleteam.

OK now I do like The Riott Squad!

Match #3
The Riott Squad vs Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke

BAHAHAHAHA that may be my favourite "WrestleMania Moment" tonight!

Winners = The Riott Squad via rollup pin.

The ring announcer declares The Riott Squad have been eliminated, then after a minute of confusion, announces they actually won, because no one in this company can actually be good at their jobs.

Match #4
The Riott Squad vs Natalya & Tamina

Wow, Natalya is still here? And still so average?? She hits the slowest Hart Attack ever, I can only assume Bret would give it a 2 out of 10.

Winners = Natalya & Tamina via shitty superfly splash from Tamina
1/10

So tomorrow, Natalya & Tamina will receive a title-shot at the women's tag-team champions, Shayna Baszler & Nia Jax. Gawdam, I thought this match was bad enough!

WWE Shop. WrestleMania specials. Fuck you.

WWE Superstars want you to get vaccinated. Except for QAnon followers like Nia Jax that think the vaccine is a form of mind control designed by Bill Gates. Fun fact: they also think The Rock eats human babies. As his cousin, I wonder how she reconciles that type of nonsense in her lizard-brain.

There is a story about the 24/7 title and some guy called Average Joe. It's an advertisement for Old Spice? I genuinely have no idea.

Cesaro vs Seth Rollins
Rollins plays some type of political hit-piece about Cesaro being no good? So he's Veep, now?
Rollins hits a superplex and rolls through to another suplex. Cesaro spams uppercuts in creative ways. The story of this match is Cesaro want to give Rollins the Giant Swing, even though he already hit Rollins with it a couple of days ago and got like 23 revolutions. It was probably only 16, because no one ever counts it properly. Cesaro gets the Giant Swing for only 6 or 7 swings, and then follows up with a Sharpshooter. I'm a fair man, so I'll be honest and say it was not so well done. Rollins hits a corkscrew splash. He's no Hector Garza, but I'll give him points for trying something different. Reversals, reversals, reversals. How is it strikes to the back of the head are illegal in all forms of combat sport, but totally fine in pro-wrestling - where you aren't even allowed to use a closed fist? Cesaro gets funky!

He hits the Giant Swing again and everyone counts way too fast; they say it's 24 revolutions, but I'm pretty sure it was only 14.

Winner = Cesaro via pin following Neutraliser.
8/10

The Andre the Giant Battle Royal was on Smackdown, instead of the WrestleMania Pre-Show like previous years. That match sure lost esteem VERY quickly.

Backstage Interview
Kayla is with Dolph Ziggler and Robert Roode. Ziggler references the gold of the tag-team title belts that he is holding, except the belts are actually silver you fucking moron.
2/10

Raw Tag-Team Championship
New Day (c) vs AJ Styles & Omos

Big E introduces New Day. They're 11-time tag-team champions now? Holy shit, they're just throwing around belts like pancakes these days. Omos isn't even dressed to wrestle. New Day demand Styles start the match because they are cowards. Kofi Kingston hits a move on Styles, which means New Day have a party and mock Styles. Then they double-team him FOREVER and talk endless shit. Umm they're the good guys here?? Omos is bored. Styles goes for the tag and Woods begs him not to do it. Seriously. Woods kicks Omos, who just totally no sells it and tells him he hits like a bitch. But then he just does jack shit himself. Dude is 7'3" - he should just be throwing these fools around the ring for 5 minutes. Styles leaps off Omos to hit a forearm.

Winners = AJ Styles & Omos via Omos pinning Kofi Kingston with one foot.
3/10

New Champions!

That was possibly the worst planning I have ever seen in a match. I get you don't want Omos in there because he's not very good. At all. But having the good guys double-team and mock the smaller bad guy for eternity is just dumb. And then Omos barely did shit when he got in, so even that part wasn't exciting.

Baron Corbin is dressed for the Tour de France, so he needs a Snickers.

WWE2K22. When I type that, it just looks like some kid's username on some shitty forum where I am making fun of him for liking dumb things.

Tonight's "Official WrestleMania Theme Song" is provided by The Weeknd. I don't know what it is called. It is more boring than my bLog.

Video Package
Braun Strowman is sad because Shane McMahon thinks he is stupid. Shane even dumped green slime on him. How cruel! They were booked for a match, but Shane got injured in training. Because he's fucking old? If Shane is scared to fight this guy, why did he accept a match at WrestleMania and then say it could be any match Strowman wanted?
4/10

Steel Cage Match
Braun Strowman vs Shane McMahon
Jerry 'The King' Lawler joins the commentary team, because this is match will likely be awful and they want to distract the viewer by having someone say awful things for total non-entertainment enjoyment. Elias and some other dude attack Strowman before he enters the cage. I'm happy for Elias to finally have a friend! Commentators say "Shane has great hands" and think they must mean he does hand modelling or something, because his punches are awful. He pulls a piece off the top of the cage - budget cuts are hitting the cages now? Byron Saxton seems to be over this show already and starts promoting Night Two as being "more exciting". Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler is making the worst old-man jokes it is like I'm listening to Captain Lou Albano. There is a toolbox conveniently placed at the top of the cage, so of course Shane hits Strowman with it. Which of course means he could win, but instead chooses to do something stupid and end up back in the ring. Strowman breaks the cage some more. So why have a cage if you're just going to break it? He gives Shane an armdrag or something off the top of the cage and is all "Who's stupid now?!?" and I'm thinking "You are, because you could just walk down and win but instead chose to get back in the ring".

Winner = Braun Strowman via pinfall following a powerslam.
2/10

Bayley is here to annoy the commentators. She's now appeared more than the "official" hosts.

Hall of Fame 2020
They couldn't have a ceremony for the Class of 2020, so they will get their moment tonight. This featured a bunch of people that have nothing to do with WWE, like Japanese star Jushin "Thunder" Liger - who has never wrestled for WWE - and William Shatner?? They show a clip of him with Bret Hart, so now his induction makes sense. Oh, the NWO were the 'headline' act. There were like 500 members of that group, so they only inducted Hulk Hogan and H-Bomb Cockface's friends.

'Stone Cold' Steve Austin is excited about WrestleMania next year (this year?) because it's in Texas. Ever notice how WrestleMania is often in the most backwards parts of America?

Booker T joins commentary. Why? Oh that's right - it must be time for Bad Bunny to have his match and Bad Bunny wrote that song about Booker T that was super fucking awful.

A large group of people in rabbit costumes run down to the ring. It's Easter! Time for an Easter Egg Hunt! Or time for The Miz and John Morrison to come out and lip sync to some shitty song they wrote about Bad Bunny. The Commentators pretend it is good. The people in rabbit costumes have filled the ring and are jumping around.

Fuck-a.

My-a.

Life-a.

Video Package
We are shown all the success Bad Bunny has had in his career. I legit hadn't heard of him until he appeared in WWE, but apparently he is super popular. His music seems fucking terrible, that's for sure. He's also got "2023" written on a t-shirt he wears under a bulletproof vest like he thinks he fucking Death Row 3260. These four men have issues because... hahah oh come on now - we all know I have ZERO fucks to give about that.
3/10

The Miz & John Morrison had to stand in the ring and wait while that video package aired. They really need someone with a functional brain to put these shows together.

Damian Priest & Bad Bunny vs The Miz & John Morrison
Bad Bunny enters riding on top of a truck like he's Batman. Or Becky Lynch? The crowd sure seem to love him. The crowd also seems to love WWE and WrestleMania, so fuck them. Bad Bunny is so small he makes The Miz look, well, not so small. Bad Bunny beats up The Miz a lot. Then, The Miz turns it around and I immediately lose interest.
Booker T: "You guys don't know Bad Bunny the way that I know him". Let's keep it that way.
Holy shit Bad Bunny just hit a destroyer?!!?

Don't get me wrong - Morrison is very athletic and did all the real work here, but damned if it didn't look good

Winners = Damian Priest & Bad Bunny via pinfall following a splash from Bad Bunny.
3/10

Bad Bunny wasn't that bad at all! The Miz, however, continues to be a vacuum of enjoyment.

You can fight hard to achieve your dreams and win a WWE Championship belt... or just buy one from WWE Shop.

Promo for WrestleMania Night Two. Why are people paying Logan Paul to do anything except fuck off and die?

Video Package
Bianca Belair won the Royal Rumble. She calls herself "The EST". Sasha Banks calls herself "The Best". I call her overrated and fucking annoying. Wait, now Banks is some sort of pioneer? She broke down barriers for blue-haired children?
3/10

Main Event
Smackdown Women's Championship
Bianca Belair vs Sasha Banks (c)
Belair is legit crying before the match even starts. I might, too; I'm out of Pepsi. Bianca Belair is strong.

This match is at its best when Belair is doing fun power moves. It's at its worst when Banks is in control. Belair does some crazy long suplex and as soon as they hit the mat, the referee starts counting them down. Haha Banks uses Belair's long braid to tie up her arm. Belair gets a two count and has the most hilarious meltdown.

Graves: "Bianca nailed the 450 splash!". No she didn't - your feet aren't supposed to hit the floor first. Belair slaps Banks with her braid and WWE edit in some type of gunshot sound BAHAHAHA.

Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following a Death Valley Driver that they seem to be calling the Kiss of Death or KOD. Look, I'm just following what Michael Cole said, though after listening to Craig in the UWF, I should know better than to trust these goofs.
6/10

New Champion!

Fireworks and good night!

WrestleMania XXXVII - Night One: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Cesaro vs Seth Rollins
   They are good wrestlers and their powers combined to make a good match.
2. Worst Match
   Lana & Naomi vs Carmella & Billie Kay
   I would say the whole women's tag-team turmoil match, but I will specifically call this match out as the absolute shit burger with cheese. If this had been a UWF show, even Bruno would have been burying these four women.
   Shout-out to the person that laid out the New Day/AJ Styles & Omos match.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Mandy Rose falling on the entrance? Bret Hart with William Shatner?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   People in bunny costumes partying in the ring to The Miz & John Morrison's "hit song".
5. Star of the Show
   Bad Bunny. I may not know who he is, but he is certainly very popular. AND he didn't look too bad in the match.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Bad Bunny.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   The Pete dude on the pre-show panel. Not a celebrity by any stretch, but bah gawd he needs a kick in the balls.
8. Tonight's Meal
   I've hit this early, because motherfucking WWE decided to move to two nights. So I had two flavours today; first a breakfast wrap, featuring scrambled eggs, avocado, baby spinach and honey mustard. Then my second wrap featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, spring onion and corn fritters, topped with honey mustard again. Simple and effective. PepsiMax kept me alive. I need more if I want to survive another 4 hours of this...
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Which is handy, because I'm wearing a nice hoodie that has no wrestling connection whatsoever.
10. Overall Score
    This was an okay show. The opening match was fun, the Cesaro/Rollins match was great, and the main event wasn't bad. The rest was burning garbage with zero heat, or just total vibe killing slow nonsense. As always, the "hosts" did zero hosting. Why do they bother with that every year?? But at least once things got going after the weather delay, they didn't waste a lot of time, so the show didn't drag like some years.
    5 out of 10