WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXIX, Night Two

2 April 2023

So-Fi Stadium
Inglewood, California - USA

Attendance: 67,553

Commentators: Michael Cole & Corey Graves

My thoughts before this viewing:
As mentioned yesterday (3 hours ago), when they ran down the card for this show, I was actually filled with hope. And jealousy. Because I think I may actually give a hoot about some of these matches. And all the worst people were part of night one. Except The Miz is still hosting. But, again, I will take that over him actually wrestling.

America The Beautiful
Jimmie Allen is somebody that I've never known. And he really dressed up for the occasion.

He just grooves on his own for a little bit and, hey, at least he sang the ending well?
5/10

Opening Video Package
Kevin Hart is back... in a bath robe.

Tonight is "more star power". No shit - Austin Theory and Brock Lesnar are not the same. Also, this is not a sequel; the first time they did "WrestleMania Hollywood" was WrestleMania XXI, so at this point it is more of a trilogy.

It's The fucking Miz and Snoop Dogg the WWE Marijuana Champion? The Miz does his arm thing again and just looks genuinely awkward. And shit.

Opening Match
Brock Lesnar vs Omos (w/MVP)

Omos just throws Lesnar around and it is fantastic! He eventually makes a mistake, so Lesnar takes him to suplex city.

Winner = Brock Lesnar via pinfall following an F5
6/10

Maaaan that was too quick!

WWE Shop offer free shipping again - they said it was yesterday only, so their shop lies as well? It's like they're not even trying anymore, but hey, neither am I!

Big E is still stuck at the vending machine.

Who plays these shitty WWE video games? I'll stick to WCW Backstage Assault, thank you very muchly.

"WrestleMania Showcase Fatal Four-Way Tag-Team"
Liv Morgan & Raquel Rodriguez vs Shotzi & Natalya vs Chelsea Green & Sonya Deville vs 'Rowdy' Ronda Rousey & Shayna Baszler

Liv has yet another new tag-team partner at WrestleMania. Wow, Rousey has really fallen off, huh? I don't think this Raquel is related to Rogan. Everyone is scared of her and she just laughably shrugs off a dropkick. Natalya goes for the double Sharpshooter. Where have Rousey and Baszler been? Because they sure haven't been in this match - they haven't even been on the apron awaiting a tag or anything. And why is Baszler missing a boot??

Winners = 'Rowdy' Ronda Rousey & Shayna Baszler via submission (Rousey with an armbar on Shotzi)
5/10

Rousey and Baszler celebrate for longer than they were in the match.

Video Package
More bullshit about Dominik Mysterios bad new friends. They used to hang out with Edge? Oh, wait - I think this is that faction they kinda started at WrestleMania XXXIX - so when I predicted they wouldn't be together by the next WrestleMania, I was kinda right - because they gave Edge the boot. Fair enough, he is old and boring.
5/10

Highlight of the Night again? The last one had zero to do with this actual night... and neither does this one! Bobby Lashley threw some fat dude out of the ring and won the Andre The Giant Battle Royal. And now he's on the stage to show off his trophy. Usually that would be the prelude to someone coming out and trashing it... but nope, this is just Lashley waving and holding his trophy like a dork. Corey Graves pretends this is some sort of amazing achievement that will only further Lashley's career. I think I will never hear this mentioned again... possibly because I don't watch WWE outside of WrestleMania...

Xavier Woods and his band of dorks run another video game simulation for the next match. If this were WCW Backstage Assault, I would just play as La Parka and beat their asses with a chair. Or a flaming 2x4.

Video Package
Some German dude has been whooping people and is now the Intercontinental Champion. Sheamus wants to challenge him. Drew McIntyre... has a sword. So it's a battle of the European dudes. Except it seems a bit more about Sheamus and McIntyre than the champion.
5/10

Titus is back on commentary for another round of impersonating Dusty Rhodes and I'm here for it.

Oh shit, more commercials? This particular match gets its own sponsor??

WWE Intercontinental Championship
Triple Threat
Drew McIntyre vs Sheamus vs Gunther (c)
I think this is first I'm seeing of the new Intercontinental belt. Or I just haven't been paying attention - which is VERY possible. Gunther delivers some massive chops and they just look hilarious on Sheamus. Then Gunther and McIntyre have a full-on chop battle. Chops and slaps for everyone! Sheamus pounds on McIntyre so much he looks gassed! Sheamus has it won, but McIntyre interferes. Gunther powerbombs Sheamus on to McIntyre and then powerbombs McIntyre for fun!

Winner = Gunther via pinfall following powerbombs for both Sheamus and Drew McIntyre. Equal opportunity powerbombs!
8/10

Bah gawd that was physical - almost to the point of being uncomfortable, but not quite, so it was just awesome. The commentators give it a standing ovation.

The Miz pays children to like him. Creepy.

WWE exploiting kids and stuff again.

Video Package
Bianca Belair won the title at the previous WrestleMania. And the two before that, but they don't seem to want to mention those. Asuka has new facepaint. And they show fans booing her, so we all know she is the villain here.
4/10

Raw Women's Championship
Bianca Belair (c) vs Asuka
Asuka never wins at WrestleMania, so I think Belair is in for a longer title reign. The really should hire a Japanese artist to perform Asuka's entrance theme. Or just get the rights to Rule by Ayumi Hamasaki. Belair keeps the night's theme of 'children are cheap labour' by having a bunch of kids dancing during her entrance. And holy shit the commentators have listened to me and are shutting the fuck up during these entrances! Asuka hits a whole lots of spinning shit. Belair is strong! Asuka misses the mist and gets an armbar, but yeah Belair is strong.

Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following her KOD or whatever it is called
7/10

Asuka's WrestleMania losing streak continues! She must surely be close to Big Show's record by now.

Alpha Academy are much less interesting than a chocolate bar.

Recap of the main event last night, because The Usos actually losing a match at WrestleMania is wildly unbelievable.

Things have been going well, so now it's time for The Miz and Snoop Dogg. They are trying to claim both nights attendance as one total, but I would guess 90% of the people here tonight were here yesterday. I mean, some of these dudes in the front row haven't even changed their clothes. The Miz bitches at Snoop Dogg about having to wrestle Pat McAfee... and it sounds like Snoop Dogg is going to make him wrestle again?

Shane McMahon vs The Miz
BAHAHAHAHA Shane immediately blows his knee attempting a leap frog.

No contest?

Snoop Dogg is pissed and takes it out on The Miz. Oh, now it's really on...

Snoop Dogg vs The Miz
A "People's Elbow" so hilarious, I can hear those wacky Germans laughing at 4am from the other side of the world. And a year in the past...

Winner = Snoop Dogg via pinfall following Snoopy's elbow?
10/10 no notes

Video Package
Edge worked his way to the top by being a total dick? Then he retired due to injury. He was a dick, so that's what you get. Finn Balor rose up in his place, or something. Edge came back after 9 years and claimed he was a better man, but he formed this Judgment Day group and they are bad guys. So bad, they turned on Edge. Rhea Ripley beat up Edge's wife. So why is Edge so mad at Balor? Why isn't he fighting Ripley?? The narrative here was all over the place.
2/10

Hell in a Cell
Edge vs Finn Balor
Trying to make an entrance all spooky with candles and shit does not work when doing it during the day time. Oh, wait - it's a tie-in for a fucking movie. WCW did this shit as well. Edge is disco gimp??

He's wearing a jacket with the old 'The Brood' logo and Cole says they debuted in 1997. Considering Edge debuted months before the rest of The Brood and he himself didn't debut until WrestleMania XIV in 1998, you can fuck off with your misinformation. Immediately with the weapons and Balor just no sells chair shots. Edge apparently regrets forming Judgment Day and now wants to make up for it by destroying his creation - just like Ted Dibiase and the NWO. More weapons. These painted kendo sticks look like folded drinks umbrellas. The crowd call for tables, because they are clearly invested in this story. Balor is leaking blood, so the match stops? And we switch to a wide shot so the viewers can't see him being tended to by a doctor. That's actually lamer than in WCW. Edge kills time during this break by looking for more weapons and then doing nothing with them. The match resumes... Balor makes noises like he's the fucking Tasmanian Devil. He lays Edge on a table and bahahaha it immediately splits perfectly in the middle.

Winner = Edge via pinfall following a con-chair-to
5/10

That was fucking silly. And pausing the match to tend to a cut completely killed any momentum it might have been gaining. Edge should go talk to Bret Hart about how great his match with 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper would have been if they had stopped it to clean up his blood.

Montage of WWE doucheburgers re-enacting famous scenes from various movies. Hold up; one of these dudes drops an F-bomb, but blood in a wrestling match is not allowed?!?!

Backstage Interview
Kayla still works here! Bianca Belair is partying with little children. Find some friends your own age!

Backlash. Bad Bunny. Boring.

Hall of Fame: Class of 2023
This year's inductees were Stacey Kiebler and Andy Kaufman. Obviously there were young girls in attendance, because Jerry 'the King' Lawler had to provide his speech via online. The Great Muta was inducted - despite never wrestling for WWE - as well as.. a referee? Oh, and Rey Mysterio. But not Rey Mysterio, Jr.? He was awesome in WCW. And that Adidas suit is something.

WrestleMania XL will always be sunny in Philadelphia.

More highlights of night one, like I didn't already watch that shit.

The Miz thinks you should gamble.

The Weeknd are still providing WrestleMania theme songs. And they are still terrible.

Do the Safety Dance in jail after you fail to do your taxes properly?

No wonder this company makes so much money they have to cut people due to budget cuts...

Video Package
Cody Rhodes has wanted to be WWE Champion since he was 8 years old and now he is going to finish his story. So he'll win and then die?? You know, all weekend these pre-match videos have been providing all sorts of backstory and helping the casual viewer (e.g. LOGMAN) informed of the story behind the matches. But then when it comes to the main event, they tell us absolutely nothing. That's the WWE I know!
6/10

Main Event
Undisputed WWE Championship
Cody Rhodes vs Roman Reigns (c) (w/Paul Heyman and some other dude named Solo?)
Reigns is introduced by... pianists? Michael Cole hilariously mocks Cody Rhodes for failing to become an actor when he was younger. And then he goes on to bag on The American Dream for never winning the WWE Heavyweight Championship. I mean, he came to the WWF for a grand total of 18 months in the midst of Hulkamania and was stuck feuding with the likes of Big Bossman and Honky Tonk Man. Hardly the respect a multiple-time NWA Heavyweight World Champion deserved. Paul Heyman babbles something about Roman Reigns "owning an island of relevancy". Honestly sounds like something Roger Moore would have said in Spice World. Haha what the commentators are impressed Rhodes knows the rules. Reigns dominates forever, until Rhodes eventually gets some offense and Cole is all like 'Wow, he's not just going to get smoked like a chump!' Ham Solo gets ejected from the match, but why do they bother agreeing to it? If they disqualify Reigns, he would still be champion. Rhodes hits a Crossroads and not even Heyman can pretend that was getting a three-count. Graves calls Reigns a "great white shark". Racist! Aaand here come the finishers! Reigns goes for a guillotine off his back and I'm pretty sure his shoulders were down for like a twenty-count. It's the main event at WrestleMania, so of course that means we gotta have the referee knocked out! Cole acts like it has never happened before. Well, allow me to check my notes...

*checks notes*

It's happened in the last 50 main events. Fuck you. The Usos run in and hit some superkicks and their Dudley Boys rip-off finisher. So Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens Mac chase them off. Rhodes recovers and hits a bunch of Crossroads... so Ham Solo comes back and murders Rhodes or something.

Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall following a spear
6/10

If the referee was actually competent, he would have realised Ham Solo had disobeyed his order to leave the ringside and reversed his decision. And THAT would have been a fitting tribute to Dusty Rhodes!

I'll be honest; I knew the result of this and that probably hampered my enjoyment of the match. Michael Cole calls this the greatest title reign of all-time. HAHAHAHAHA no.

We get fan reactions and then it's pyro and posing and peace out!

WrestleMania XXXIX, Night Two: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Drew McIntyre vs Sheamus vs Gunther
   Very physical and very fun!
   
2. Worst Match
   Edge vs Finn Balor
   Like most Edge matches since he returned, it was slow and not all that exciting.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Snoop Dogg with the worst 'People's Elbow' ever? Shane O'Mac blowing his knee and thus ruining whatever they had planned?
4. Lowlight of the Show
   The Miz as host, although that is better than him wrestling. But then he went and did that, too. Again.
5. Star of the Show
   I mean... there really are no stars here?
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Snoop Dogg for doing barely anything and getting some sort of WWE belt out of it. Also, shout out to Rick Rubin for sitting behind the Spanish announce table at some point but obviously not agreeing to be on camera.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   I don't think there were any other celebrities tonight, but Logan Paul was in the highlights from last night, so let's just go with him, because fuck that douche.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Dear readers, I'm not going to lie to you; tonight I went kinda cheap. I had simple wraps of a Hoki filet on spinach with some baba ghanoush and a bit of coleslaw, all in a garlic butter wrap. I wasn't excited for this show, so didn't go all out on the meals this year. But I sure went 200% on the PepsiMax with Raspberry...
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I can't say for certain, but I may have only got a bit of sauce on my sleeve. Which led to a great deal of panic, because this Hart Foundation hockey jersey was far more expensive than that white t-shirt I threw a WrestleMania logo...
10. Overall Score
    That was a WrestleMania! I had a nap after day one and a whole bottle of Pepsi, so maybe that helped my attitude, but there was genuinely not a bad match and some really fun ones to boot. As always, the skits and ads and hosts were fucking awful, and having the bad guy win the main event is kind of a downer, but otherwise this was probably the best WrestleMania I have watched in years.
    7 out of 10

WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXIX, Night One

1 April 2023

So-Fi Stadium
Inglewood, California - USA

Attendance: 67,303

Commentators: Michael Cole & Corey Graves

My thoughts before this viewing:
I have only just started watching WCW in 1998, so what better time for a trip to 25 years in the future (or one year in the past) and watch last year's WrestleMania? Cody Rhodes is here to follow his Father's dream... of losing to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, or something. And that's about all I know. And I care about even less. But, it is Good Friday so let's watch some WrestleMania and make it a Bad Friday...

NIGHT ONE

America The Beautiful
Becky G is here to sing the song today. She once did a cool song with J-Hope. This is not that song.
5/10

Opening Video Package
Kevin Hart is our host? Oh, no - he is just presenting this video. WrestleMania is a Once Upon a Time in Hollywood story... which makes no sense, as the first WrestleMania was in New York and Titan's offices are in Connecticut. Maybe Quentin Tarantino is directing this? It's WrestleMania Hollywood again, so the wrestlers have filmed a bunch of classic movie scenes to show off their terrible acting skills again. Fucking kill me now. Bahahahah Kevin Hart says this show has star power "like Austin Theory" - a guy with all the star power of a door knob in Cornwall. 
2/10

Michael Cole welcomes us and aaaaahhhhh fuck The Miz is hosting with Snoop Dogg. Fucking kill me again.

Opening Match
WWE US Championship
John Cena vs Austin Theory (c)
John Cena makes wishes come true for lots of children. Not sure what that has to do with this match; did he refuse to grant Theory's wish? Is Theory uncomfortable with how much WWE like to exploit these sick children? For example, having a bunch of kids on stage for John Cena's introduction. None of them are wearing John Cena t-shirts; in fact, one of them is dressed in a Hulk fucking Hogan costume.

Gosh, Cena is going bald! Theory bites him a few times and Graves writes it off to the referee being lenient because it is WrestleMania. He also thinks there is a possibility that John Cena wins and becomes the US Champion. Of course there is a referee bump and John Cena thinks he has won the match, which means he doesn't.

Winner = Austin Theory via pinfall following some variation of the F5 but with a dumber name
5/10

HHH thinks him in a private plane has everything to do with being a wrestler in a video game.

Shoosh have a chocolate bar.

WWE Shop with the evergreen ugly clothing. This year's WrestleMania special is free shipping? Cheap bastards. 

This year's theme song is AGAIN a shitty song from The Weeknd. Might even be the same shitty song, for all I know. His music sounds like the most generic background music for department stores.

We've had one match and it's already time for the Highlight of the Night? Is it one of the 76 advertisements? Oh, it is something that took place on another show - so it has nothing to do with WrestleMania.

"WrestleMania Showcase Fatal Four-Way Tag-Team"
The Street Profits vs Alpha Academy vs Braun Strowman & Ricohet vs The Viking Raiders (w/Valhalla)

For a moment, I thought The Viking Raiders had the Pepsi logo on their gear. One benefit of posting last year's WrestleMania bLog was that I am coming in to this match actually knowing who Alpha Academy are this time! But still not The Viking Raiders and their non-Pepsi sponsored gear. The Street Profits are still cool. It's crazy that they are never the champions, yet The Usos are always the champions at WrestleMania and have about a 1/5th of the charisma. Strowman runs around the ring doing the worst shoulder tackles I've ever seen. I should add that Titus O'Neal has joined the commentary team for this match and he seems to be channeling Dusty Rhodes. Which makes him the best commentator this company has had in about 20 years. And The Street Profits are still cool.

Winners = The Street Profits via pinfall following cool stuff
6/10

We get some sort of recap of Brock Lesnar's wikpedia page career history. Because tomorrow night Brock Lesnar takes on Omos? Oh, shit - why did I wait a year to watch this?!? Omos is now being billed as 7'3". I'm sure when he first appeared they were billing him as 8 foot or something.

Xavier Woods is backstage with nerds and wrestlers not worthy of a match at WrestleMania. They are running sims on the new WWE video game. But which platform? I want to make fun of this, but I'll take it over more of The Miz.

Video Package
Oh fuck off.
3/10

Seth Rollins vs Logan Paul
Logan Paul copies the Shawn Michaels entrance from WrestleMania XII, except slower and way more lame. Rollins has a conductor to lead the crowd in some chanting or some bullshit, and for the only time in my life I can relate to Logan Paul.

Fuck this. I'm not writing about these turds today.

Winner = Seth Rollins via pinfall following a curb stomp
4/10

Oh there is a WWE Biography show on Dusty Rhodes? Guess what I'll be watching after this bullshit...

Big E can't decide between a Snickers or a Snickers... or a Snickers.

Video Package
Bayley has new friends. Walmart Lady GaGa still sucks and is teaming with older more talented women.
3/10

Becky Lynch, Lita & Trish Stratus vs Damage Ctrl (Bayley, Io Sky and Dakota Kai)
The good team get some kind of wannabe comicbook-style entrance video. Big Time Becks would be a terrible superhero name. This match is pretty much Damage Ctrl beating on Lynch for a while, until Lita gets the tag and it becomes obvious why Lynch was taking most of the match. Stuff happens and everyone hits their finishing maneuvers.

Winners = Becky Lynch, Trish Stratus & Lita via pinfall following something by Becky Lynch that I big time don't care about
5/10

Tomorrow night, Asuka will continue to lose at WrestleMania.

Video Package
Rey Mysterio loves his family, but his son Dominik fell in with a bad crowd and went to jail. They are wrestlers, so Rey should take some of the blame here... Anyways, Dominik did hard time (a whole night?) and that has changed him. He clearly gets his height from Mrs Mysterio, Jr. Rey refused to fight his own son until Dominik... told his Mother... to shut up!
6/10

Bad Bunny is joining the Spanish commentary team. Michael Cole claims this show is a sell out of around 70,000 people, but there sure are a lot of empty seats out there. The hot dog stands must be super busy or something...

Is this supposed to be footage of Dominik in prison? And now he's arriving in a police van, so he is coming direct from prison? Why was he there this time? And why is he now wearing a jacket and mask that he wasn't wearing in the video?

Michael Cole: "This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever witnessed". I appreciate the effort, but you also watched the previous 20-something WrestleManias, so I don't think that is true.

Rey Mysterio vs Dominik Mysterio
Cole claims that Dominik "hasn't earned the right to wear a lucha mask". Yeah - he hasn't eaten the 1kg burrito at Mad Mex! Snoop Dogg is driving Rey to the ring in a Cadillac. To Eddie Guerrero's WWE theme. Just keep on milking it, guys... I've just finished watching 1997 WCW, which is Rey Misterio Jr. at the peak of his career. This is not that. A lot of back and forth, and then back and forth some more. Their family are ringside, so there is family drama. Then more back and forth. Dominik's bad friends come out to help him, so some other dudes in LWO shirts come out to help Rey. Seriously? L fucking W fucking O? I'm about a year away from Eddie Guerrero starting that in WCW, but seriously, are these people just completely devoid of all creativity? Dominik with the slowest 619 I may have ever seen. Honestly, I feel sorry for this kid; when his Dad was his age, he was already a multi-time WCW Cruiserweight champion and had had numerous 5-star matches. And had even lost his mask! In fairness, he had also been a pro for like ten years already as well, but there is no reason Dominik couldn't have learned from his Father and started younger. And gotten better.

Winner = Rey Mysterio via pinfall following a splash
6/10

A group of children were lied to and they had to hang out with The Miz. So torturing regular children is okay, so long as you grant some wishes for sick kids?

Bad Bunny will host the next WWE show that I will never watch.

Why would I care about some people watching this show in Germany at 4am? Did I need to know that Germans are wacky?

Video Package
Rhea Ripley won the Royal Rumble and challenged Charlotte Flair. Didn't that already happen a couple of years ago? Again, nothing original going on here...
2/10

Smackdown Women's Championship
Rhea Ripley vs Charlotte Flair (c)
I think Michael Cole just claimed that Charlotte Flair has more wins at WrestleMania than anyone else in history? Perhaps he meant to say women only? Because Hulk Hogan has won more times than Flair has even appeared. And The Undertaker went like 21-0 or something. Coles mentions something about the "75,000 people in attendance" and I'm impressed the crowd has somehow grown in the last hour. There must be a massive queue for the bathrooms! Maybe there will be 150,000 people buying drinks by the end of the night! Charlotte Flair is 10 years younger than Trish Stratus. Charlotte Flair looks at least 10 years older than Trish Stratus.

Winner = Rhea Ripley via pinfall following a top-rope Rip Tide
4/10

Michael Cole and Corey Graves say this was the greatest match ever. Uhh sure whatever, dudes.

Tomorrow some dudes want to fight over the Intercontinental Championship. Cool.

The Miz announces the attendance has grown even further to reach 80,000! Wow, who would have believed it... He claims he put out an "open challenge" on social media, because he's the toughest man in the building. Dude, you're not even the toughest man in the front row. Pat McAfee comes out and says he couldn't find The Miz's "open challenge" on any of the social media sites, but forgets to list MySpace like a rookie. Cole claims McAfee is undefeated; pretty sure he lost to that old POS and it was embarrassing. Fuckhead. McAfee challenges The Miz to a match because this fucking show hasn't been boring enough. Cole is so excited it's like someone offered him free ice cream for life. McAfee starts a "tiny balls" chant at The Miz. Wait - Snoop Dogg has some WWE belt? And he has the power to make this match official?

Pat McAfee vs The Miz
Corey Graves hates Pat McAfee for some reason. Which is fine, because I hate Corey Graves for all the reasons. The Miz comes off the top rope into a superkick. Some famous guy I don't know - likely sports - attacks The Miz and McAfee doesn't get disqualified. Nice of the Mysterios to give up their seats so this dude could have a whole little section to himself. The crowd give zero fucks about him or this match or any of this.

Winner = Pat McAfee via pinfall following a punt
5/10

The Miz got in zero offence, so maybe this was match of the night...

WrestleMania next year will be in Philadelphia. Sylvester Stallone/Rocky Balboa has got to be making an appearance, right?

They run down the card for tomorrow's (tonight's?) card. Legit looks a million times more interesting than night one.

More advertisements encouraging people to bet on WWE matches. Gambling is bad, yo! And betting on a TV show seems particularly lame.

Video Package
Sami Zayn used to hang out with The Bloodline, which meant he couldn't be friends with Kevin Owens Mac - even though they stopped being friends a couple of WrestleManias ago? But then Zayn turned on The Bloodline to be friends with Kevin Owens Mac again? Cue teen drama music and dialogue about friendships and family (and I mean this literally). It's all kinds of pathetic. BUT at least these fucks are actually using the video packages to tell viewers why the match is happening!
6/10

Musical Performance
Lil' Uzi Vert sounds like a shitty drink from Starbucks. This loser sure ain't no King of Rock.
1/10

Do the safety dance, but not your taxes?

These shitburgers got paid a billion dollars and still fill this fucking show with all the advertisements...

Main Event
Undisputed WWE Tag-Team Championship
Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac vs The Usos (c)
As always, it is WrestleMania and The Usos are tag-team champions. Nothing original. Cole says they have been champions for almost two years now. I find it hard to believe much of what that clown says, but let's pretend for a moment that he is actually correct for once; that would mean The Bloodline have held two world championships and two tag-team championships for two years. Why?? It seems unnecessary. The Hart Foundation were an infinitely better faction and when they held a bunch of titles it was only for a few months. And they held more, because they were better. Usos beat down Zayn to start. And continue. And continue some more. Kevin Owens Mac finally gets the tag, so that means things get a bit more back and forth. And The Usos hit a million superkicks like they think they're The Young Bucks at a superkick party. The Spanish announce table was destroyed earlier in the show - I didn't mention it, because it was meaningless - and now they have a new one, so Kevin Owens Mac tries to put an Uso through it. Which, of course, means Owens Mac is going through a table instead. Superkicks and finishers everywhere!

Winners = Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac via pinfall following 3 haloumi kicks from Sami Zayn
7/10

New champions!

Pyro and celebrations and highlights of everything I just had to watch and see you tomorrow! Or in an hour!

WrestleMania XXXIX - Night One: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens Mac vs The Usos
   Good match and storytelling for once. Well worked. And everything else on this show was all sorts of boring.
2. Worst Match
   Seth Rollins vs Logan Paul.
   Rollins was slow and Paul is green as boogers. And even more unlikeable. And this just felt like a big commercial for all his brands. Don't buy his shit.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Not a whole lot... my hot cross buns?.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   The Miz as host. Although, I suppose that was better than him wrestling. But he went and did that, too...
5. Star of the Show
   John Cena? 
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Snoop Dogg for doing very little and earning a WWE title belt or something.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Lil' Uzi Nerd and his autotune pedal. That dude is garbage and if you like his music you need to have your spotify account cancelled.
8. Tonight's Meal
   It's early, so I kicked things off with breakfast wraps for brunch; hummus, eggs. spinach, sautéed mushrooms in a low carb spinach wrap. I thought maybe it was too early for Pepsi, so I had some classic 7up Light. But by the time Charlotte Flair hit my TV screen, I was reaching for the Pepsi-Max with Raspberry.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Well, I actually did, but it didn't leave any stains. My Hart Foundation hockey jersey is safe. For now...
10. Overall Score
    Holy zombie Jeebus on his holy day was that one boring fucking show. Admittedly, the super bad was limited, but I just didn't give a fuck about anything happening and none of it was good enough to change my mind. The matches were all kinds of mediocre and these 'superstars' just have zero charisma. Hilariously, I had considered watching WCW Souled Out 1998 before this show and I think that would have made things so much worse; going from Bret Hart vs Ric Flair to the fucking Alpha Academy and Austin Theory would have had me going to church or something. I would like to say this was not the worst WrestleMania ever, but when I consider the fact this was twice as long as what I consider to be the worst WrestleMania, well... fuck this show.
    3 out of 10

WrestleMania Easter Extravaganza: WrestleMania XXXVIII, Night Two

2 April 2022

AT&T Stadium
Dallas, Texas - USA

Attendance: 65,653 

Commentators: Michael Cole, Pat McAfee, Jimmy Smith, Corey Graves & Byron Saxton

We're back - "WrestleMania Saturday" was pretty good, and now I actually know what is in store for tonight's show; Johnny Fucking Knoxville, Pat McAfee, and Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns. Insert shrug emoji.

NIGHT TWO

America the Beautiful

Jesse James Decker is apparently many wonderful things. She is a pretty good singer, but bah gawd she has some nasal qualities and a hideous Southern twang going on. That said, this is easily the best performance of the weekend.
6/10

Opening Video Package

Mark Wahlberg says "it's rare the sequel is as good as the original". My man made Transformers: The Last Knight, so he knows from experience. He then says "We gotta run it back"; so you're saying we are just going to do all the matches from last night again? I bet this dude got paid millions of dollars for this 30 second appearance. Stupendous!

5/10

Triple H's music hits and bah gawd this show is already worse than last night. Is this his chance to do the thank you to the fans and welcome to WrestleMania? They should warn me if he's opening the show so I can do something else during that time, like make my wraps, pour some Pepsi, or stick my head in the microwave. Seriously, fifteen minutes of him thinking he's Vince McMahon? And retiring, or something? I don't know. Just fuck off.

Triple Threat

Raw Tag-Team Championship

RK-Bro (c) vs The Street Profits vs Alpha Academy

I don't know who the hell Alpha Academy are and someone should run Matt Riddle down with a burning Hummer, but The Street Profits are cool so at least I have one team to support here. What is up with this fucking "Alpha" moron doing the stupidest "Shush" ever? Oh hey - I remember Otis from previous WrestleMania's! He had a beard and was fun. Now he has none of those things. Montez Ford is fucking YEAH!
Orton & Riddle double-team the Profits and both act like Orton, which is very silly. Alpha Chad Gable has tried the top-rope twice now and both times he looks like he is about to poo his pants and throw up. Honestly, dude, if you're not comfortable with it you should just stay off, because you look stupider. Lots of high-flying crazy shit. Lots of shit in general.

Winners = RK-Bro via pinfall following Orton hitting an RKO.

6/10

I would rate that match higher if it involved better people. However, Montez Ford is awesome and this should have been his moment so his family could have a big WrestleMania weekend. Make him WWE Champion and I might tune in again. Hahaha just kidding.

Post-match, the Profits pour drinks for RK-Bro and then call over that Gable Stevenson guy WWE signed yesterday. Chad Gable is not happy. Because they are both called Gable and wrestle? New Gable doesn't know what he's doing at all... but then daaaamn suplex!

Bobby Lashley vs Omos

It's not a terrible 'big man' match, but then they fuck something up and it kills the crowd. Lashley goes for The Hurt Lock, but Omos says 'Nope!'. Omos just throws Lashley around some more. That's a big man he's throwing and catching! Lashley suplexes Omos and the crowd goes nuts.

Winner = Bobby Lashley via pinfall following spear

7/10

I'm probably being generous, but I enjoy when big dudes fight like big dudes. Omos does look terrible trying to sell stuff, though.

There's a video of WWE hanging out with retards and George W. Bush. So extra retards.

Pat McAfee is still commentating - shouldn't he be preparing for his pro-wrestling debut?

Video Package

Sami Zayn is still paranoid and making bad videos. Johnny Knoxville is old and has brain damage. Legit. He put Zayn's phone number on Instagram, so people called him while he was trying to eat dinner or something. How are these highlights being set to a really fun pop-rock song?

7/10

Anything Goes
Johnny Knoxville vs Sami Zayn

Is it really impossible to just call a match "No Disqualification"? Knoxville comes out wearing safety goggles. He should be wearing a fucking crash helmet. Zayn tries to grab something from under the ring and there are a whole bunch of mouse traps. Huh? This is like a hardcore match from 1999 where a whole lot of dumb shit just happens for no reason. Knoxville blows an airhorn at Zayn as he runs towards him, but he does it too late like a total doofus. Some idiot I guess from Jackass is now in the ring? Zayn is scared of a guy in his underpants, which totally makes sense if pro-wrestling were performed in full body suits. Why is he rolling him under the ring? Oh, that's because there is another Jackass character hiding under there. A little dude slams Zayn and Knoxville hits a tornado DDT. Then the Jackass guys bring some sort of kicking contraption into the ring. What the fuck is the point of that? Wouldn't it just be easier to kick the dude with your own leg? And how does Knoxville have control of the pyro? Then Knoxville pulls out a taser like he thinks he's Colonel DeBeers. Zayn runs into a... giant hand?

Tongs to the wang and then he goes through a mousetrap-covered table he setup earlier. The Jackass crew then bring in a giant mousetrap. Pat McAfee calls this "majestic" and "stupendous" BAHAHAHA I like this Pat McAfee. The giant mouse trap breaks, so Knoxville has to manually make it catch Zayn.

Winner = Johnny Knoxville via pinfall from mousetrap?

7/10

I mean, it was totally stupid bullshit. But I laughed. And Pat McAfee is actually great.

Backstage, the door to Brock Lesnar's dressing room is shown. I'm guessing this was to remind the other wrestlers that he is the only star, so only he deserves his own dressing room.

Fatal 4-Way

Women's Tag-Team Championship

They announce the rules, and once again it is one fall to a finish. THAT'S NOT FATAL AT ALL YOU DUMBFUCKS.
Naomi & Sasha Banks vs Liv Morgan & Rhea Ripley vs Shayna Baszler & Natalya vs Queen Zelina & Carmella (c)

Naomi does her typical dancing and glowing, while her tag-team partner comes out in a Lamborghini. Liv Morgan and Rhea Ripley have decided to dress up as Catwomen. Of course, the geniuses on commentary think they are Batwomen. Huh - this is like a party for people whose tag-partners at last year's WrestleMania got fired. Carmella is now being billed as "the most beautiful woman in WWE" - which is stupid - and she's wearing some stupid mask covering her face? Sasha and Morgan kick everyone out of the ring so they can try and have an actual wrestling match, I guess. I think I ask this most WrestleManias, but how is it Natalya grew up around this business and has an Uncle that is actually the greatest ever, yet here we are probably 20 years into her career and she is still so darn average. And how is it Shayna Baszler was so average at MMA but is so darn good at this pro-wrestling thing? I like Liv Morgan, but her screaming is comical. And she is not strong enough for this Tower of Doom.

Winners = Sasha Banks & Naomi via double-team pin

4/10

New Champions!

It... actually wasn't as bad as I expected!

They show a replay of the tag-team match from last night, but refuse to explain how The Miz tagging his partner in the middle of the ring was allowed.

Video Package

Edge thinks he is the most important part of WrestleMania and starts shit with AJ Styles for no reason. Cool. Edge is sad because he's been having bad matches, or something. Styles is the king of WrestleMania matches not living up to the hype, so you two are made for each other. Also, crushing his head with a chair is probably not going to make him perform better. Holy shit, Edge is a truly terrible promo.

2/10

AJ Styles vs Edge

The commentators say AJ Styles has been taking out WWE legends... like... Austin Theory. Who?? Edge comes out on a throne like he's Triple H or some shit. He even has a new entrance song. You know, as average as AJ Styles has become in WWE, he is certainly using that WWE paycheck to take good care of his hair. He bashes Edge's headed into the steps. Graves thinks the sternum is where your ribs are. Edge is now dominating, but what did he hurt his knees doing a move or something? Edge continues to slow the match down like he's heel Bret Hart minus the awesomeness. Styles with the epic slide into the turnbuckles. Lots of reversals that end with Edge getting an STF locked in. Makes me wonder if John Cena is ever coming back. Or at least giving us a Bumblebee sequel. More reversals. Styles goes for a Torture Rack, which is weird from a little dude like him, but Omos should totally use that as his finisher. Imagine someone up on that giant's shoulders. More submission reversals. I could have saved us all a bunch of time and just written that and nothing else. Styles hits a superplex onto the ring apron? Jeebus. The referee hits them with the looooongest outside 10-count ever, but then doesn't count them down at all when they have been laying in the middle of the ring for a minute. Edge kicks out of the Styles Clash, so Damian Priest runs out to distract... Styles.

Winner = Edge via pinfall following a spear of all fucking things

7/10

It was too long and a bit boring, but I did consider a higher score until that stupid ending.

Edge and Priest are being hyped as the "new breed" or some shit. I don't care. Do what you want - I am 100% certain they won't be together come next WrestleMania.

New Day vs Sheamus & Ridge Holland (w/Butch?)
Bryon Saxton continues to make it abundantly clear he does not watch Smackdown. Neither do I. After that last match, this one need to be quick. And thankfully, it is.

Winners = Sheamus & Ridge Holland via pinfall

4/10

I don't care enough about those bad guys to care about that match.

Michael Cole hyping the main event: "There has never been a WrestleMania match like this!". Except twice before.

The Weeknd are responsible for another WrestleMania theme. And this one probably sucks more.

The Undertaker comes out to walk around and give a bit of a wave. It's like he is taunting us that this show will never end.

Video Package

Pat McAfee always wanted to be a pro-wrestler, but took up American Football instead. It pays better. Austin Theory is Vince McMahon's favourite wrestler or some shit. I care less about him than ever. Pat McAfee is living his dream.

6/10

Pat McAfee vs Austin Theory (w/Vince McMahon)

McMahon does his stupid strut down the ring and the commentators kiss his ass, because that is what all WWE employees do. Fans do it for free, because they are stupid. Why does Theory call himself "A-Town"? That's possibly the stupidest nickname since "The Real OC". McMahon clearly tells Theory what to do with his cellphone and they take selfies together. Jeebusfuckingchrist. McAfee comes out to Seven Nation Army - noice. And the Dallas Cheerleaders - not so noice. Cole reminds us he is actually undefeated at WrestleMania, so hopefully McAfee wins tonight and sets up a streak vs streak match at WrestleMania XXXIX. Cole makes jokes about Vince being old and deaf - holy shit, when did this dude get balls?? It's especially funny, given his job involves having Vince yell in his headset about what to say. McAfee thinks he is The Rock and starts to commentate himself beating up Theory. McAfee misses a top-rope swanton, but holy shit he hits a picture perfect backflip. And leaps to the top rope like a mofo.

Winner = Pat McAfee via pinfall via rollup and holding the tights.

6/10

Vince berates his 'chosen one' and then challenges McAfee to a match or something.

Pat McAfee vs Vince McMahon (w/Austin Theory)

Theory attacks McAfee from behind, which leads to Vince beating up McAfee... and the crowd chanting "You still got it!" at Vince? You fucking morons deserve this shit. Theory attacks McAfee some more - why is that not a disqualification? Man, what a way to absolutely murder what was a feelgood moment. Vince is given a football - dude should be careful, he might break his leg. Then he kicks it into McAfee bahahaha how fucking stupid.

Winner = Vince McMahon via pinfall following football?

-5/10

That was the second stupidest thing I've seen all weekend. Fuck this show.

McMahon's music hits and Vince has a heart attack - clearly that was a fuckup on someone's part and he was expecting someone else, because then 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin's music plays and he comes out. Stupid fucking old man can't hear music properly - Cole was right. Let me get this straight; you had a great thing with Pat McAfee living the dream and winning his pro-wrestling debut at WrestleMania, only to immediately destroy that goodwill so Vince could have one last WrestleMania moment with Steve Austin? Austin hits Theory with the Stunner and the kid gives it the biggest bump ever hahaha. Vince wants to have a beer with Austin for old times' sake. We all know where that is heading. HOLY SHIT WORST STUNNER EVER!! 

Austin is pissing himself.

Austin very gently stomps old POS Vince. I'm guessing McAfee is next for the beer/stunner combo... McAfee spits beer everywhere and Austin seems to love it. Austin then pours beer on the dude for good measure, then plugs his beer label on the way out.

Video Package

You'd think for "the biggest main event in WrestleMania history" they'd do something a bit more interesting than just having boring highlights set to a shitty Metallica song. I'd hope there was actually some kind of story involved here, but what would I know.

1/10

Main Event

WWE Championship Unification

Brock Lesnar (WWE Champion) vs Roman Reigns (WWE Universal Champion) (w/Paul Heyman)

The result for this is pretty clear-cut; Reigns is winning. He's the future of WWE and the chosen one and this is what they've been building for like six years now or however long it has been since he started headlining this garbage truck. The real question for me is: will this actually be interesting? Because their last match sure was not. What is going on in CGI Roman Reigns' crotch??

He's upgraded his Thanos glove to red, so now it is faster? He has a microphone and I'm scared I am going to have to listen to one of his promos, but thankfully he just delivers one boring sentence about acknowledging him. I do! I acknowledge you are one boring motherfucker! Lesnar's having a great time - he gives zero fucks about winning and losing, so long as the man gets paid. The match gets going and it is just spamming suplexes and (not so) Superman punches. The hilarity that these dumbfucks in the crowd actually think Lesnar might win this with a single F5. Also hilarious that the referee is knocked out and misses all sorts of cheating, but can easily see someone calling him over to make the pin a second later. Heyman truly is a barrel of WrestleCrap with his "My tribal chief" babbling. What the fuck am I watching here...

Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall following a spear

5/10

New unified champion?

Roman Reigns poses with his belts forever and gets some pyro and fuck you good night!

WrestleMania XXXVIII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   AJ Styles vs Edge
   It was mighty slow at points and went a bit long. And while I thoroughly enjoyed The Knoxville/Zayn match, that enjoyment was based on fucking how stupid the whole thing was.
2. Worst Match
   Pat McAfee vs Vince McMahon
   Yeah. Fuck Vince McMahon.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Pat McAfee having the absolute time of his life. Close second would be Vince McMahon completely fucking up the Stunner at all-time levels.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Pat McAfee vs Vince McMahon
5. Star of the Show
   'Stone Cold' Steve Austin. Not even close.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Pat McAfee.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Logan Paul was in the highlights, so he can have this again because fuck that guy.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Wraps featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, red onion, olives and corn fritters, topped with burger sauce. Honey mustard may have suited it more. PepsiMax with raspberry is good for a change and possibly improved my attitude.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   I did not spill a thing! Which is nice, because I do not wish to ruin my Easter pyjamas.
10. Overall Score
    This was the night of the bad guys! Even when there were moments the good guys won, the bad guys got the upperhand after the match to get the HEAT. The bullshit with Vince McMahon - look, I get it, but it was a poor idea executed poorly. The main event was obvious. But on the whole, not nearly as bad as I expected and, well, I actually had a fun old time with plenty of WrestleCrap madness.
    5 out of 10