30 March 2008
Citrus Bowl
Orlando Bowl, Florida - USA
Attendance: 74,635
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry 'the King' Lawler, Michael Cole, Jonathan 'Coach' Coachman, Joey Styles & Tazz
My thoughts before this viewing:
I've never seen this before, though I have a strong feeling it will be rerun of last night - like last night was a rerun of the night before, and so on. Here's what will happen: there will be a Money in the Bank ladder match where dudes do some crazy shit and almost die, the Undertaker will tombstone someone and stay undefeated at WrestleMania, Triple H will annoy me and probably get another title shot, Vince McMahon will annoy me, John Cena will overcome the odds and a referee will be taken out in the main event. Let's see how my predictions work out and if I start to scream and shout.
America the Beautiful
Holy cow, this stadium is HUGE! John Legend is singing for us tonight. Looks like he forgot his choir.
9/10
Opening Video Package
Dude poke their tongues out and do some tough fighting poses. And say "WrestleMania" a lot.
4/10
Video Package
Hornswoggle is Vince McMahon's illegitimate son. JBL beat him up because it turns out he is actually Finlay's son and was just pretending to be Vince's son. Swerve! So JBL and Vince McMahon to start the show with a really stupid story? I thought I said I was going to try and not get in a bad mood tonight?!?
2/10
Opening Match
Belfast Brawl
Finlay (w/Hornswoggle) vs JBL
They didn't explain the rules of the match but I'm guessing from all the weapons being used that it is no disqualification. Why not just call say that? Do we really need all these different names for matches just to say there aren't any rules?
Winner = JBL via pinfall following clothesline
2/10
That's good storytelling; Finlay failed to avenge the beating his son took and even got his ass beaten by the same guy, right in front of his son. What a hero!
Backstage
It's our hostess with the mostess - Kim Kardashian! And she doesn't seem to like Mr. Kennedy yelling in her face.
5/10
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
John Morrison vs Carlito vs Shelton Benjamin vs CM Punk vs Mr. Kennedy vs MVP vs Chris Jericho
They don't mention who MVP won his US championship from...
Shelton Benjamin is so awesome - how on Earth did they never try to make him a star?
MVP totally had this won but Matt Hardy comes out and takes him down to a MASSIVE ovation.
The crowd don't seem too like CM Punk all that much. But then they cheer when he wins, so I guess that's good.
Winner = CM Punk via ladder stuff
8/10
That was crazy and brutal but more enjoyable than last time. This really isn't something they should do too often.
Highlights from the Hall of Fame ceremony. The Rock looked darn good with hair.
Backstage
Todd Grisham talks to Snoop Dogg as he will be the 'Master of Ceremonies' for this year's bull shit Playboy match. Mick Foley comes in and talks in "izzles". Shoot. Me. Now.
-1/10
The stars have all come out for WrestleMania! Exciting Hollywood superstars like... Freddie Prinze Jr!
Raw vs Smackdown
Batista vs Umaga
Oh this match happened. Apparently someone forgot to tell me and the crowd.
Winner = Batista via pinfall and stuff I forget
2/10
Earlier tonight there was a battle royal and the winner gets to the fight for the ECW Championship tonight. What a shitty prize! Kane won the battle royal. What a shitty winner!
ECW Championship
Kane vs Chavo Guerrero (c)
Bell rings. Chokeslam and pin.
Winner = Kane
New Champion!
3/10
What a shitty new champion!
We are treated to some weird skit where Carlito and Maria are having dinner when a seagull attacks Carlito. He ends up getting into a huge fight with the seagull. Holy shit...
-3/10
Raven?? Why is she here?
Oh, she is here to help WWE exploit Make a Wish kids. I'm all for Make a Wish, but when you are using it for the attention the way WWE does it is quite sickening.
Video Package
Leave the memories alone, Ric Flair and WWE...
4/10
Career Threatening Match
Ric Flair vs Shawn Michaels
Ric Flair is like a zombie. And not a cool wrestling zombie like the Undertaker - like a decaying corpse that moves slower than a sloth in slow motion. Actually, an actual zombie might be faster. And botch less. Shawn Michaels does everything he can to make this look like an actual match... but boy Ric Flair is a decrepit old man.
Winner = Shawn Michaels via pinfall following a bunch of kicks to the face
7/10
So now Ric Flair will retire!
Hahahaha of course not. He will be wrestling with Hulk Hogan in Australia later in the year to see who is the most useless old man. Because fuck that retiring business (unless that business is making you money, in which case you retire lots!)
Backstage
Todd Grisham talks to Edge who actually thinks he is going to beat Undertaker. He says he was a big Hulkamanaic so that probably explains his struggle with reality.
7/10
Playboy Match Thing
Ashley & Maria vs Beth Phoenix and Melina
Looks like it is just another lumberjill match, just with another stupid name for it.
Snoop Dogg drives to the ring in some pimp thing and makes all the women walk to the ring - how rude!
Jerry Lawler then makes the same Snoopy joke that Santino made earlier. Lawler's only other contributions to the match involve telling us how hot they look. Wow he is so great at his job!
Ashley is possibly the worst women's wrestler I have ever seen. Her suckiness is so strong the lights go out.
Winners = Beth Phoenix & Melina
1/10
Snoop Dogg beats up Santino and makes out with Maria. That was probably part of his payment for appearing.
Video Package
Three dudes that fight each other all the fucking time...
4/10
Triple Threat Match
WWE Championship
John Cena vs Triple H vs Randy Orton (c)
Some marching band are out to perform John Cena's entrance song. It is pure awful, which makes it absolutely incredible. Jim Ross hasn't seen the Indian Deathlock used in years. I'm pretty sure the H bomb used it in last year's main event, or at least someone has used it recently. I remember because you said the exact same thing then. Just shut up, old man, and pay some fucking attention to things for once. In typical triple threat fashion, Triple H has John Cena beaten but Orton runs in, kicks HHH in the head and jumps on Cena instead.
Winner = Orton via pinfall following stealing the pin on John Cena
6/10
You'll pay for that next year, Orton - just you wait...
Video Package
Floyd Mayweather is the biggest boxing superstar in the world. Big Show is the biggest useless piece of crap in the world. Apparently they are having a boxing match. Hey, we had one of those before! It turned into an MMA match and Mr. T was announced as the UFC champion or something... Is Mayweather as good as Mr. T? I doubt it.
7/10
Anything Goes
Floyd Mayweather vs Big Show
It is not a boxing match - they say it is "anything goes". So, hardcore with a different name again? Floyd is wearing fancy pyjamas?
I wonder if Mayweather is supposed to be a bad guy here, because the crowd sure think he is. None of this makes any sense whatsoever. Then again, this is WrestleMania - when has anything made sense? Why am I watching all 31 in 31 days?
It makes no sense.
Winner = Floyd Mayweather via knockout
1/10
This just helped reaffirm for me that Big Show is useless and Floyd Mayweather is actually a total dick.
Kim Kardashian remembers she is supposed to be the hostess, despite only appearing in a very brief backstage interview with one person. Remind me to not to any of her parties, if this is how she hosts. She announces the attendance. New Record. She's hot. That is all.
Video Package
The Undertaker is undefeated at WrestleMania - it's kind of a big deal. Edge is also undefeated at WrestleMania, so I guess not winning that Money in the Bank match at the last WrestleMania doesn't count? Pretty sure getting taken out on a stretcher after a dude jumps off a ladder and lands on your balls means you lost.
8/10
World Heavyweight Championship
Undertaker vs Edge (c)
Or course they wheel out Eddie Guerrero's widow because she is now Edge's girlfriend on the show. Can we please just have 5 minutes without this bull shit?
I gotta say, Edge does look good with that belt.
Undertaker actually did the powerbomb properly! And it looked really good! Maybe it has to do with the dude he is doing it to?
Oh look - there goes the referee... and his replacement is running like he is in the Olympics. Or being chased by angry werewolves. He might have stolen their favourite Frisbee.
Winner = Undertaker via submission
New Champion!
8/10
Well I got that wrong - Undertaker pulled out a crazy MMA submission hold out of nowhere!
He hugs his new big gold belt while the pyro goes off and his theme plays us out.
WrestleMania XXIV: The Awards
Citrus Bowl
Orlando Bowl, Florida - USA
Attendance: 74,635
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry 'the King' Lawler, Michael Cole, Jonathan 'Coach' Coachman, Joey Styles & Tazz
My thoughts before this viewing:
I've never seen this before, though I have a strong feeling it will be rerun of last night - like last night was a rerun of the night before, and so on. Here's what will happen: there will be a Money in the Bank ladder match where dudes do some crazy shit and almost die, the Undertaker will tombstone someone and stay undefeated at WrestleMania, Triple H will annoy me and probably get another title shot, Vince McMahon will annoy me, John Cena will overcome the odds and a referee will be taken out in the main event. Let's see how my predictions work out and if I start to scream and shout.
America the Beautiful
Holy cow, this stadium is HUGE! John Legend is singing for us tonight. Looks like he forgot his choir.
9/10
Opening Video Package
Dude poke their tongues out and do some tough fighting poses. And say "WrestleMania" a lot.
4/10
Video Package
Hornswoggle is Vince McMahon's illegitimate son. JBL beat him up because it turns out he is actually Finlay's son and was just pretending to be Vince's son. Swerve! So JBL and Vince McMahon to start the show with a really stupid story? I thought I said I was going to try and not get in a bad mood tonight?!?
2/10
Opening Match
Belfast Brawl
Finlay (w/Hornswoggle) vs JBL
They didn't explain the rules of the match but I'm guessing from all the weapons being used that it is no disqualification. Why not just call say that? Do we really need all these different names for matches just to say there aren't any rules?
Winner = JBL via pinfall following clothesline
2/10
That's good storytelling; Finlay failed to avenge the beating his son took and even got his ass beaten by the same guy, right in front of his son. What a hero!
Backstage
It's our hostess with the mostess - Kim Kardashian! And she doesn't seem to like Mr. Kennedy yelling in her face.
5/10
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
John Morrison vs Carlito vs Shelton Benjamin vs CM Punk vs Mr. Kennedy vs MVP vs Chris Jericho
They don't mention who MVP won his US championship from...
MVP totally had this won but Matt Hardy comes out and takes him down to a MASSIVE ovation.
The crowd don't seem too like CM Punk all that much. But then they cheer when he wins, so I guess that's good.
Winner = CM Punk via ladder stuff
8/10
That was crazy and brutal but more enjoyable than last time. This really isn't something they should do too often.
Highlights from the Hall of Fame ceremony. The Rock looked darn good with hair.
Backstage
Todd Grisham talks to Snoop Dogg as he will be the 'Master of Ceremonies' for this year's bull shit Playboy match. Mick Foley comes in and talks in "izzles". Shoot. Me. Now.
-1/10
The stars have all come out for WrestleMania! Exciting Hollywood superstars like... Freddie Prinze Jr!
Raw vs Smackdown
Batista vs Umaga
Oh this match happened. Apparently someone forgot to tell me and the crowd.
Winner = Batista via pinfall and stuff I forget
2/10
Earlier tonight there was a battle royal and the winner gets to the fight for the ECW Championship tonight. What a shitty prize! Kane won the battle royal. What a shitty winner!
ECW Championship
Kane vs Chavo Guerrero (c)
Bell rings. Chokeslam and pin.
Winner = Kane
New Champion!
3/10
What a shitty new champion!
We are treated to some weird skit where Carlito and Maria are having dinner when a seagull attacks Carlito. He ends up getting into a huge fight with the seagull. Holy shit...
-3/10
Raven?? Why is she here?
Oh, she is here to help WWE exploit Make a Wish kids. I'm all for Make a Wish, but when you are using it for the attention the way WWE does it is quite sickening.
Video Package
Leave the memories alone, Ric Flair and WWE...
4/10
Career Threatening Match
Ric Flair vs Shawn Michaels
Ric Flair is like a zombie. And not a cool wrestling zombie like the Undertaker - like a decaying corpse that moves slower than a sloth in slow motion. Actually, an actual zombie might be faster. And botch less. Shawn Michaels does everything he can to make this look like an actual match... but boy Ric Flair is a decrepit old man.
Winner = Shawn Michaels via pinfall following a bunch of kicks to the face
7/10
So now Ric Flair will retire!
Hahahaha of course not. He will be wrestling with Hulk Hogan in Australia later in the year to see who is the most useless old man. Because fuck that retiring business (unless that business is making you money, in which case you retire lots!)
Backstage
Todd Grisham talks to Edge who actually thinks he is going to beat Undertaker. He says he was a big Hulkamanaic so that probably explains his struggle with reality.
7/10
Playboy Match Thing
Ashley & Maria vs Beth Phoenix and Melina
Snoop Dogg drives to the ring in some pimp thing and makes all the women walk to the ring - how rude!
Ashley is possibly the worst women's wrestler I have ever seen. Her suckiness is so strong the lights go out.
Winners = Beth Phoenix & Melina
1/10
Snoop Dogg beats up Santino and makes out with Maria. That was probably part of his payment for appearing.
Video Package
Three dudes that fight each other all the fucking time...
4/10
Triple Threat Match
WWE Championship
John Cena vs Triple H vs Randy Orton (c)
Some marching band are out to perform John Cena's entrance song. It is pure awful, which makes it absolutely incredible. Jim Ross hasn't seen the Indian Deathlock used in years. I'm pretty sure the H bomb used it in last year's main event, or at least someone has used it recently. I remember because you said the exact same thing then. Just shut up, old man, and pay some fucking attention to things for once. In typical triple threat fashion, Triple H has John Cena beaten but Orton runs in, kicks HHH in the head and jumps on Cena instead.
Winner = Orton via pinfall following stealing the pin on John Cena
6/10
You'll pay for that next year, Orton - just you wait...
Video Package
Floyd Mayweather is the biggest boxing superstar in the world. Big Show is the biggest useless piece of crap in the world. Apparently they are having a boxing match. Hey, we had one of those before! It turned into an MMA match and Mr. T was announced as the UFC champion or something... Is Mayweather as good as Mr. T? I doubt it.
7/10
Anything Goes
Floyd Mayweather vs Big Show
It is not a boxing match - they say it is "anything goes". So, hardcore with a different name again? Floyd is wearing fancy pyjamas?
It makes no sense.
Winner = Floyd Mayweather via knockout
1/10
This just helped reaffirm for me that Big Show is useless and Floyd Mayweather is actually a total dick.
Kim Kardashian remembers she is supposed to be the hostess, despite only appearing in a very brief backstage interview with one person. Remind me to not to any of her parties, if this is how she hosts. She announces the attendance. New Record. She's hot. That is all.
Video Package
The Undertaker is undefeated at WrestleMania - it's kind of a big deal. Edge is also undefeated at WrestleMania, so I guess not winning that Money in the Bank match at the last WrestleMania doesn't count? Pretty sure getting taken out on a stretcher after a dude jumps off a ladder and lands on your balls means you lost.
8/10
World Heavyweight Championship
Undertaker vs Edge (c)
Or course they wheel out Eddie Guerrero's widow because she is now Edge's girlfriend on the show. Can we please just have 5 minutes without this bull shit?
I gotta say, Edge does look good with that belt.
Undertaker actually did the powerbomb properly! And it looked really good! Maybe it has to do with the dude he is doing it to?
Oh look - there goes the referee... and his replacement is running like he is in the Olympics. Or being chased by angry werewolves. He might have stolen their favourite Frisbee.
Winner = Undertaker via submission
New Champion!
8/10
Well I got that wrong - Undertaker pulled out a crazy MMA submission hold out of nowhere!
He hugs his new big gold belt while the pyro goes off and his theme plays us out.
WrestleMania XXIV: The Awards
- Best Match
The Undertaker vs Edge
Good match. - Worst Match
Ashley & Maria vs Melina & Beth Phoenix
Not a surprise that a match hyped as "BunnyMania" was a bunch of terrible. I think it wasn't long after this Ashley was exposed as a high-price escort. Given she isn't attractive and shows no physical abilities whatsoever in this match, I think $25,000 for a night with her is asking far too much. - Highlight of the Show
I don't know... Kim Kardashian looked good in that green dress? - Lowlight of the Show
That skit where Carlito and Maria were having dinner and he ended up having a rumble with a seagull. It even ended with birds pooping on him. - Star of the Show
I am going to say Edge. Dude looked like a million bucks tonight - even when losing to the Undertaker. - Best Celebrity Appearance
Floyd Mayweather
This was a tough call, because none of the celebrities blew me away. But Floyd Mayweather got in the ring and had a match with Big Show. Albeit, a shitty match, but considering the dude makes millions of dollars boxing it was a risk for him to have an actual match with a big 500 pound bag of monkey crap. - Worst Celebrity Appearance
Snoop Dogg
His whole job entailed watching half-naked women wrestle poorly and then make out with one of them. But he didn't let the women ride in his SnoopMobile, so he doesn't understand chivalry.. - Tonight's Meal
Tonight's menu involved a wrap with avocado, kale, cucumber, red onion, capsicum, tomato and a hoki fillet topped with tartare sauce. Quite tasty. Pepsi Next continues to keep me alive. The Chip Ahoys were a perfect ending to the meal. - T-Shirt Cleanliness
It is nice that it is starting to get dark earlier in the evenings - it means I don't see so much of the t-shirt's disgustingness.. - Overall Score
Well, most of my predictions came true. Shows you how fucking textbook these shows have become. When you consider the Undertaker winning a match with a move that isn't the tombstone pile driver a 'surprise', things are stale. However, finishing his match like that did work really well. And Randy Orton pinned John Cena! That was crazy. Not a bad show. Not a great show, but there have been worse. Many worse. And MUCH worse.
4.5 out of 10
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