Raymond James Stadium
Tampa, Florida - USA
Attendance: 17,946
Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Samoa Joe & Byron Saxton
My thoughts before this viewing:
Oh yeah we are back at it! It's Good Friday, which makes it Bad Friday again! I am trying to keep this as an Easter tradition, because Good Friday means all the shops are closed and it's cold - so what else am I going to do? Enjoy my day? Forget that silliness! Especially because this shit is just getting longer and longer each year. But last year, WrestleMania got delayed by a couple of weeks and ended up taking place the week after Easter, which completely fudged my plan - once again, Vince McMahon trying his best to make things difficult for me. But, joke's on him! This year, I'll watch last year's WrestleMania today and then this year's WrestleMania on Easter Sunday. Two days - two WrestleManias! So joke's on... me?!?
America the Beautiful
Opening Video Package
There is some sort of weather delay? What, lightning might strike and blow up the arena? Well then, LET'S GET THIS SHOW STARTED!
Backstage Interview
Sarah Not Kayla is with Shane McMahon and he is looking worse than ever - and he hasn't even started wrestling! He thinks Braun Strowman is stupid and it's fun to make fun of him. Sarah tells him to pick on someone his own size - so someone smaller?
MVP and Bobby Lashley interrupt to say "this is The All Mighty Era!" or something? Drew McIntyre takes issue with this. He then takes over the interview time to tell us he's all about keeping his emotions together. Ummm coming out before your match to act like a crazy man towards the guy you'll be having a match against is a clear sign you do not have your emotions under control.
2/10
Now we have to talk to the Pre-Show Panel? I already had to sit through an hour of these morons and there is only so much of this Peter Shillburger I can take.
Backstage Interview
Some British Nerd is with New Day's Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston. Kofi is looking old and his chest is collapsing. He isn't sure AJ Styles and Omos are a registered tag-team. What?? Woods talks about New Day being small, but I'm pretty sure AJ Styles may actually be smaller than them. Big E comes in and gives a rousing sermon.
4/10
Michael Cole calls this "WrestleRainia" and it sounds like Samoa Joe used all the restraint in the world to not punch him in the mouth.
Backstage Interview
Sarah talks to Braun Strowman, who claims he is standing up for all the people in the world who have been bullied. This dude is like 6'9" and 300 pounds. He isn't getting bullied by anyone. His vision of winning the match sounds an awful lot like murder - Shane should probably call the cops.
3/10
Back to the Pre-Show Panel. Peter Peter Shill-O-Meter tells us how amazing Vince McMahon is and I'm going to puke. On him.
Backstage Interview
British Nerd wants to interview Kevin Owens Mac, but Kevin Owens Mac is like 'Dude, you're too lame - give me the microphone'. He gives some sort of history of his friendship with Sami Zayn and oh my fucking gawd we are doing yet another 'Kevin Owens was best friends with Wrestler X and now they are enemies and must fight at WrestleMania' story. He also threatens Logan Paul. Just because? Or is Logan Paul going to be at WrestleMania to complete the suckitude?
5/10
Michael Cole and Samoa Joe are being rained on. Joe should drown Cole.
Backstage Interview
Bianca Belair tells Sarah she is nervous because she cares. Sarah tells her she is "making HERstory".
4/10
Backstage Interview
British Nerdburger interviews Seth Rollins who apparently gets his name wrong, but I'm hardly going to fault him for that given what I'm calling him. But at least I now know his name isn't Mike. Rollins laughs a lot and can't pronounce Cesaro properly. This guy actually used to be enjoyable, you know.
2/10
Sarah is joined by The Miz and John Morrison. Tonight they'll be facing Damian Priest and Bad Bunny. Maybe this rain delay could last forever? The Miz: "The fun & games are over!". He's never been more right; I'm watching The Miz at WrestleRainia and there is no fun to be had at all.
-2/10
Video Package
Drew McIntyre was WWE Champion, but somehow Bobby Lashley became champion by helping The Miz become champion? McIntyre thinks Lashley is afraid to fight him. He could have just not agreed to this match if he didn't want to do it... It is now "The All Mighty Era."
6/10
Titus O'Neil and Hulk Hogan are our hosts, so I'm guessing we are finally ready to get started. And Titus is here to help rehabilitate our racist American hero. O'Neil welcomes the crowd, while Hogan just stands there looking old, throwing out the occasional "brother".
Opening Match
WWE Championship
Drew McIntyre vs Bobby Lashley (c) (w/MVP)
All this CGI stuff around the ring is sooooo bad!
Lashley gets lightning for his introduction? Did the production team mistake him for The Undertaker? They're having a kinda fun big-man match - except for when McIntyre decides to do some silly fake Jiu-Jitsu. So Lashley just pounds on him and it is fun! Big dudes should just fight like this!
Lots of back and forth with big moves. Drew kinda fucks up a superplex so they just beat on each other on top of the turnbuckle. McIntyre puts Lashley in a Kimura and Cole makes some reference to McIntyre and Brock Lesnar and I have no idea what he's on about, because I saw that match and it was legit only two different big moves. And neither of them were a Kimura. McIntyre taunts Lashley with a "Bring it, Bitch!" and then Lashley beats the snot out of him HAHAHA. McIntyre spams the shittiest looking DDT I've ever seen, then dives over the top rope. They run a slow-mo replay and it shows his wang clipping the top rope as he went over hee hee.
It's 2021 and giving the Full Nelson a new name doesn't make it any less lame than it was 50 years ago.
Winner = Bobby Lashley via Hurt Lock/Full Nelson
6/10
Drew McIntyre squashed Brock Lesnar last WrestleMania when no one was around to care. The minute they get fans back in the building, and he just gets smoked. WrestleMania moments!
The Super Old NWO are backstage with Titus O'Neil and Bayley. And nothing happens.
Undertaker NFT's are a great way of separating the normal people from the criminally stupid.
Tag-Team Turmoil Match
Match #1
Lana & Naomi vs Billie Kay & Carmella
Lana & Naomi do some raving or some shit before the match.
At least that was quick?
Match #2
The Riott Squad vs Billie Kay & Carmella
I want to like The Riott Squad, but bah gawd do I hate Billie Kay & Carmella. They both just fill the arena with high-pitched yelling.
Winners = The Riott Squad via doubleteam.
OK now I do like The Riott Squad!
Match #3
The Riott Squad vs Mandy Rose & Dana Brooke
BAHAHAHAHA that may be my favourite "WrestleMania Moment" tonight!
Winners = The Riott Squad via rollup pin.
The ring announcer declares The Riott Squad have been eliminated, then after a minute of confusion, announces they actually won, because no one in this company can actually be good at their jobs.
Match #4
The Riott Squad vs Natalya & Tamina
Wow, Natalya is still here? And still so average?? She hits the slowest Hart Attack ever, I can only assume Bret would give it a 2 out of 10.
Winners = Natalya & Tamina via shitty superfly splash from Tamina
1/10
So tomorrow, Natalya & Tamina will receive a title-shot at the women's tag-team champions, Shayna Baszler & Nia Jax. Gawdam, I thought this match was bad enough!
WWE Shop. WrestleMania specials. Fuck you.
WWE Superstars want you to get vaccinated. Except for QAnon followers like Nia Jax that think the vaccine is a form of mind control designed by Bill Gates. Fun fact: they also think The Rock eats human babies. As his cousin, I wonder how she reconciles that type of nonsense in her lizard-brain.
There is a story about the 24/7 title and some guy called Average Joe. It's an advertisement for Old Spice? I genuinely have no idea.
Cesaro vs Seth Rollins
Rollins plays some type of political hit-piece about Cesaro being no good? So he's Veep, now?
Rollins hits a superplex and rolls through to another suplex. Cesaro spams uppercuts in creative ways. The story of this match is Cesaro want to give Rollins the Giant Swing, even though he already hit Rollins with it a couple of days ago and got like 23 revolutions. It was probably only 16, because no one ever counts it properly. Cesaro gets the Giant Swing for only 6 or 7 swings, and then follows up with a Sharpshooter. I'm a fair man, so I'll be honest and say it was not so well done. Rollins hits a corkscrew splash. He's no Hector Garza, but I'll give him points for trying something different. Reversals, reversals, reversals. How is it strikes to the back of the head are illegal in all forms of combat sport, but totally fine in pro-wrestling - where you aren't even allowed to use a closed fist? Cesaro gets funky!
He hits the Giant Swing again and everyone counts way too fast; they say it's 24 revolutions, but I'm pretty sure it was only 14.
Winner = Cesaro via pin following Neutraliser.
8/10
The Andre the Giant Battle Royal was on Smackdown, instead of the WrestleMania Pre-Show like previous years. That match sure lost esteem VERY quickly.
Backstage Interview
Kayla is with Dolph Ziggler and Robert Roode. Ziggler references the gold of the tag-team title belts that he is holding, except the belts are actually silver you fucking moron.
2/10
Raw Tag-Team Championship
New Day (c) vs AJ Styles & Omos
Big E introduces New Day. They're 11-time tag-team champions now? Holy shit, they're just throwing around belts like pancakes these days. Omos isn't even dressed to wrestle. New Day demand Styles start the match because they are cowards. Kofi Kingston hits a move on Styles, which means New Day have a party and mock Styles. Then they double-team him FOREVER and talk endless shit. Umm they're the good guys here?? Omos is bored. Styles goes for the tag and Woods begs him not to do it. Seriously. Woods kicks Omos, who just totally no sells it and tells him he hits like a bitch. But then he just does jack shit himself. Dude is 7'3" - he should just be throwing these fools around the ring for 5 minutes. Styles leaps off Omos to hit a forearm.
Winners = AJ Styles & Omos via Omos pinning Kofi Kingston with one foot.
3/10
New Champions!
Baron Corbin is dressed for the Tour de France, so he needs a Snickers.
WWE2K22. When I type that, it just looks like some kid's username on some shitty forum where I am making fun of him for liking dumb things.
Tonight's "Official WrestleMania Theme Song" is provided by The Weeknd. I don't know what it is called. It is more boring than my bLog.
Video Package
Braun Strowman is sad because Shane McMahon thinks he is stupid. Shane even dumped green slime on him. How cruel! They were booked for a match, but Shane got injured in training. Because he's fucking old? If Shane is scared to fight this guy, why did he accept a match at WrestleMania and then say it could be any match Strowman wanted?
4/10
Steel Cage Match
Braun Strowman vs Shane McMahon
Jerry 'The King' Lawler joins the commentary team, because this is match will likely be awful and they want to distract the viewer by having someone say awful things for total non-entertainment enjoyment. Elias and some other dude attack Strowman before he enters the cage. I'm happy for Elias to finally have a friend! Commentators say "Shane has great hands" and think they must mean he does hand modelling or something, because his punches are awful. He pulls a piece off the top of the cage - budget cuts are hitting the cages now? Byron Saxton seems to be over this show already and starts promoting Night Two as being "more exciting". Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler is making the worst old-man jokes it is like I'm listening to Captain Lou Albano. There is a toolbox conveniently placed at the top of the cage, so of course Shane hits Strowman with it. Which of course means he could win, but instead chooses to do something stupid and end up back in the ring. Strowman breaks the cage some more. So why have a cage if you're just going to break it? He gives Shane an armdrag or something off the top of the cage and is all "Who's stupid now?!?" and I'm thinking "You are, because you could just walk down and win but instead chose to get back in the ring".
Winner = Braun Strowman via pinfall following a powerslam.
2/10
Bayley is here to annoy the commentators. She's now appeared more than the "official" hosts.
Hall of Fame 2020
They couldn't have a ceremony for the Class of 2020, so they will get their moment tonight. This featured a bunch of people that have nothing to do with WWE, like Japanese star Jushin "Thunder" Liger - who has never wrestled for WWE - and William Shatner?? They show a clip of him with Bret Hart, so now his induction makes sense. Oh, the NWO were the 'headline' act. There were like 500 members of that group, so they only inducted Hulk Hogan and H-Bomb Cockface's friends.
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin is excited about WrestleMania next year (this year?) because it's in Texas. Ever notice how WrestleMania is often in the most backwards parts of America?
Booker T joins commentary. Why? Oh that's right - it must be time for Bad Bunny to have his match and Bad Bunny wrote that song about Booker T that was super fucking awful.
A large group of people in rabbit costumes run down to the ring. It's Easter! Time for an Easter Egg Hunt! Or time for The Miz and John Morrison to come out and lip sync to some shitty song they wrote about Bad Bunny. The Commentators pretend it is good. The people in rabbit costumes have filled the ring and are jumping around.
Fuck-a.
My-a.
Life-a.
Video Package
We are shown all the success Bad Bunny has had in his career. I legit hadn't heard of him until he appeared in WWE, but apparently he is super popular. His music seems fucking terrible, that's for sure. He's also got "2023" written on a t-shirt he wears under a bulletproof vest like he thinks he fucking Death Row 3260. These four men have issues because... hahah oh come on now - we all know I have ZERO fucks to give about that.
3/10
The Miz & John Morrison had to stand in the ring and wait while that video package aired. They really need someone with a functional brain to put these shows together.
Damian Priest & Bad Bunny vs The Miz & John Morrison
Bad Bunny enters riding on top of a truck like he's Batman. Or Becky Lynch? The crowd sure seem to love him. The crowd also seems to love WWE and WrestleMania, so fuck them. Bad Bunny is so small he makes The Miz look, well, not so small. Bad Bunny beats up The Miz a lot. Then, The Miz turns it around and I immediately lose interest.
Booker T: "You guys don't know Bad Bunny the way that I know him". Let's keep it that way.
Holy shit Bad Bunny just hit a destroyer?!!?
Don't get me wrong - Morrison is very athletic and did all the real work here, but damned if it didn't look good
Winners = Damian Priest & Bad Bunny via pinfall following a splash from Bad Bunny.
3/10
Bad Bunny wasn't that bad at all! The Miz, however, continues to be a vacuum of enjoyment.
You can fight hard to achieve your dreams and win a WWE Championship belt... or just buy one from WWE Shop.
Promo for WrestleMania Night Two. Why are people paying Logan Paul to do anything except fuck off and die?
Video Package
Bianca Belair won the Royal Rumble. She calls herself "The EST". Sasha Banks calls herself "The Best". I call her overrated and fucking annoying. Wait, now Banks is some sort of pioneer? She broke down barriers for blue-haired children?
3/10
Main Event
Smackdown Women's Championship
Bianca Belair vs Sasha Banks (c)
Belair is legit crying before the match even starts. I might, too; I'm out of Pepsi. Bianca Belair is strong.
This match is at its best when Belair is doing fun power moves. It's at its worst when Banks is in control. Belair does some crazy long suplex and as soon as they hit the mat, the referee starts counting them down. Haha Banks uses Belair's long braid to tie up her arm. Belair gets a two count and has the most hilarious meltdown.
Graves: "Bianca nailed the 450 splash!". No she didn't - your feet aren't supposed to hit the floor first. Belair slaps Banks with her braid and WWE edit in some type of gunshot sound BAHAHAHA.
Winner = Bianca Belair via pinfall following a Death Valley Driver that they seem to be calling the Kiss of Death or KOD. Look, I'm just following what Michael Cole said, though after listening to Craig in the UWF, I should know better than to trust these goofs.
6/10
New Champion!
Fireworks and good night!
WrestleMania XXXVII - Night One: The Awards
- Best Match
Cesaro vs Seth Rollins
They are good wrestlers and their powers combined to make a good match. - Worst Match
Lana & Naomi vs Carmella & Billie Kay
I would say the whole women's tag-team turmoil match, but I will specifically call this match out as the absolute shit burger with cheese. If this had been a UWF show, even Bruno would have been burying these four women.
Shout-out to the person that laid out the New Day/AJ Styles & Omos match. - Highlight of the Show
Mandy Rose falling on the entrance? Bret Hart with William Shatner? - Lowlight of the Show
People in bunny costumes partying in the ring to The Miz & John Morrison's "hit song". - Star of the Show
Bad Bunny. I may not know who he is, but he is certainly very popular. AND he didn't look too bad in the match. - Best Celebrity Appearance
Bad Bunny. - Worst Celebrity Appearance
The Pete dude on the pre-show panel. Not a celebrity by any stretch, but bah gawd he needs a kick in the balls. - Tonight's Meal
I've hit this early, because motherfucking WWE decided to move to two nights. So I had two flavours today; first a breakfast wrap, featuring scrambled eggs, avocado, baby spinach and honey mustard. Then my second wrap featured avocado, baby spinach, cucumber, spring onion and corn fritters, topped with honey mustard again. Simple and effective. PepsiMax kept me alive. I need more if I want to survive another 4 hours of this... - T-Shirt Cleanliness
I did not spill a thing! Which is handy, because I'm wearing a nice hoodie that has no wrestling connection whatsoever. - Overall Score
This was an okay show. The opening match was fun, the Cesaro/Rollins match was great, and the main event wasn't bad. The rest was burning garbage with zero heat, or just total vibe killing slow nonsense. As always, the "hosts" did zero hosting. Why do they bother with that every year?? But at least once things got going after the weather delay, they didn't waste a lot of time, so the show didn't drag like some years.
5 out of 10
No comments:
Post a Comment