Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Golden Needles (1974)

THE MOVIE
"In China, during the Sung Dynasty, a single golden statue was cast for the use of the Emperor. It indicated 7 forbidden acupuncture points. Used in correct sequence, they brought about extraordinary sexual vigour and youth. Used incorrectly they brought instant and painful death. Stolen, hidden, lost and rediscovered through the centuries, the statue has come to be known as The Golden Needles of Ecstasy."

And thus our film begins...
Some old dude has this statue in his possession, and contrary to the opening monologue, doesn't seem to be using it for sex, but instead it seems to be giving him strength. Where he was once feeble and confined to a wheelchair, he can now walk and move his hands like a mostly normal person. Good for him! Some dudes disagree, and raid the place with motherfucking flamethrowers! Holy shit that feels overkill. They burn everyone and everything to ground and steal the statue.

The next day, some lady is wanting to buy the statue from the bad dudes - who seem to run a legitimate business, like all good bad dudes should. But they've decided she isn't paying enough, and... her neck isn't colourful enough?

So instead, she decides to use the money she was going to pay them to hire someone to steal it for her. She's introduced to Dan, a loser American living his best (worst?) life in Hong Kong. He agrees to do it for $30,000 and sex. What? So he steals the statue and gives it to his friend to ship to America for her, while he gets his 'payment'. Yuck. Of course, the bad guys know him - he's a goofy white dude in Hong Kong in 1974 and is a known fixture in the gambling parlours and shit. His plan sucked. Anyways, bad guys kill his business partner and tell him he has to get the statue back, so he follows the lady to America. And who is waiting for him at the airport? Why, of course - it's my main man Jim Kelly!

Jeff (Jim Kelly) is Dan's friend and another antiques expert or something. They go to Dan's hotel and his lady from Hong Kong is in his bathtub having a bubble bath. It's here I realise I have no fucking clue what is going on or what dimension this movie is in. Once she gets dressed, they go visit her boss - the guy she was supposed to be buying the statue for. It's Burgess Meredith! And he's completely fucking off his rocker! He gave her $300,000 to buy the statue and he still doesn't have it, so he tells the three of them they have 24 hours to bring it to him or he'll disintegrate them. Also the bad dude that she tried to buy the statue from is... in the dining room? Oh, he and Burgess Meredith are in cahoots. So he knows she ripped him off - because she was going to pay this dude $100,000 and keep the rest for herself. And also doesn't make a lot of sense. 

Anyways, they find the statue and get it to him in time... except it turns out to be a fake, and subsequently kills his bodyguard for trying the needles first. That's why being a gentlemen and letting others go before you is smart. So, Dan has to head back to Hong Kong (sans Jeff - maybe they didn't have the budget to pay for Jim Kelly's flights?) and ends up running across Hong Kong being chased by... well, half of Hong Kong. Which is pretty remarkable, considering this dude is clearly not in the best physical shape. Other than round.

Dan kills the bad Asian dude, some Government agents take the statue, and Dan and his lady crook live happily ever after. Until Burgess Meredith finds out about all this, I guess...

REACTION

This was one gonzo ride! This was the third Robert Clouse film I've watched this week (he also directed Enter the Dragon and Black Belt Jones). Shit got crazier each movie. None of this was nearly as crazy as the other Robert Clouse movie I've seen (Game of Death), but this was pretty close. It just seemed to flitter between serious noir and B-grade nonsense, while the actors continued to play it straight. Except for Burgess Meredith, who just used his 15 minutes to go off the chain! However, I just don't get the stuff between Dan and the lady; like, she ripped him off, and her boss, and is directly responsible for Dan's mentor in Hong Kong being murdered and Dan and Jeff being caught up in all this. Yet he's smitten with her for the entire movie. Again; her boss gave her $300,000 to buy the statue. The evil Asian dude offered it to her for $250,000. That's still $50,000 profit for her. AND a lot of people would still be alive. Selfish bitch.

JIM KELLY

I actually quite enjoyed him as the foil to the all-round 'meh' that was the main character. And he got in some fun karate fighting when given the opportunity (which wasn't nearly enough); when they found the statue, it was in some fancy health club - which led to a wacky karate fight with bad guys throughout the club. If there was a room in this building, Jim Kelly was going to whoop a bad guy in there and be told to get out by some old white guy!

And then Jim Kelly's character just... disappears. I can only assume Burgess Meredith hired him to be his new bodyguard/best friend and they started their own antiques store together.

A somewhat fun and bizarre adventure that is as baffling as it is annoying. I do recommend... someone ups Robert Clouse's medication before he makes a movie with the worst Bruce Lee photoshop jobs in cinema history.

Too late!

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Three The Hard Way (1974)

THE MOVIE
We start things off at some sort of farm-prison-camp-type-thing, where an inmate(?) is serving food to other inmates. Eventually he breaks free and steals a gun, shooting a bunch of the guards - and getting shot himself, but still managing to escape. He makes his way to his good friend and clearly very successful record producer, Jimmy (Jim Brown), who gets him to a hospital. Jimmy wants to know what happened, but the dude is too traumatised. So Jimmy's girlfriend convinces him to leave her in charge at the hospital and head back to the studio, because he needs to get back to telling The Inspirations they look bad and sound worse (he said it, not me!).

Of course, once he leaves, the bad dudes come in and kill the escaped prisoner and kidnap Jimmy's woman.

Then the bad guys start chasing Jimmy and trying to kill him - and not particularly subtly, either. 

Meanwhile, Jimmy's woman is taken back to the home of Monroe Feather. He's says he has a plan to wipe African-Americans off the face of the Earth with science. 

So Jimmy heads to Chicago and hits up his other pal, Jagger (Fred Williamson)

and then they both go meet up with their other good friend, Mister Keyes - my main man, Jim Kelly! With a funky new moustache.

After a battle with the bad guys in a car wash (does Jim Kelly just enjoy keeping clean while busting fools?) they capture one of these clowns and Keyes enlists the help of three topless women to torture him. Yes, you read that correct. Anyways, the dude is so emotionally scarred by seeing naked boobs that he tells them all about Feather's evil plan to poison the water supply with a chemical that will only kill Africans. He even tells them it's all going down in L.A., Detroit and Washington! Then, he promptly dies - boobs are scary, yo!

From there, our heroes go on an all-out attack to put an end to Feather's plans; each man takes a city and whoops Feather's henchmen before they can contaminate the waters. African-American people are now safe! Apart from, you know, all the racism and police brutality. But then they reunite and head to Feather's home, where he is hosting some sort of Nazi dinner or some bullshit. So they need to bust in, save Jimmy's woman, and put a stop to Feather and his Nazi bullshit once and for all!

REACTION
Where Black Belt Jones was a tour de force of action-comedy, Three the Hard Way is just a straight action movie with a sprinkling of humour, and some serious race issues driving the absolutely bonkers plot. Having these three iconic actors come together for the first time, I did come in with high expectations that weren't quite met. But overall, it is still an entertaining and fast-paced ride. Jim Brown and Fred Williamson always deliver when you need some tough dudes to dish out justice.

JIM KELLY
Mister Keyes is one bad mutha! His introduction in the movie involves being setup by the pigs by planting drugs in his car, and he just don't play that! He explains that his first name is in fact "Mister" - his mother named him that so people would be forced to show him respect. Then he just takes that respect by beating up the entire Chicago police force for being dishonest pigs trying to set him up.

My favourite part here was when he is standing over all the carnage of smashed police cars and unconscious police officers, Jimmy and Jagger appear, and then these dudes have a bit of a chat, like they are just running in to each other at a cafe or something and not a fucking warzone. That Keyes should probably be fleeing as quickly as possible. But then again, I think that speaks to how much of a total badass the man is - he just gives zero fucks! Come and get him, you dirty racist pigs! Also of note; when they are infiltrating Feather's house, all three men are dressed in black - because, you know, blending in with the night or whatever. But as soon as they actually start their plan to get inside, Keyes ditches his top and just decides to go shirtless for the whole operation. Good stuffs.

If you're looking for three black men blowing shit up and whooping Nazis, then I have the movie for you...

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Black Belt Jones (1974)

THE MOVIE
We open with the mafia wacking some undercover agent/informant and disposing of him and some incriminating photos in some old wine barrels or something. I'm sure this will play into things later...

Meanwhile, some other old dude is giving a speech. He must be promoting peace or something, because my main man Jim Kelly heads out to make sure the parking lot is safe. And good thing he did, because out there are a bunch of bad guys that need some whooping!

Jim Kelly is our titular hero - Black Belt Jones - and he gets bored of punching these dudes in the junk, so just shoots the last one in the butt. Black Belt Jones is cool.

CUE SUPER FUNKY THEME MUSIC

The Man is making an offer to Black Belt Jones; they've lost four agents trying to infiltrate Don Steffano's mafia operations and they want Jones to be the fourth. Jones, however, is not about to go on a suicide mission for The Man and suggests they pretend it's the ghetto - then they can just send in the tanks! Black Belt Jones knows where he comes from.

Next, we are treated to some vigilantes attacking a dude named "Pinky" in his pool hall; they are sick of him pushing drugs on the street, but Pinky and his thugs get the upperhand. So now you know Pinky is a bad dude. Turns out, he's in cahoots with the mafia, and the henchmen from earlier come pay him a visit. He owes Don Steffano $250K, and to pay off that debt, he needs to get Papa Byrd to sell his karate dojo to the mafia so Don Steffano can make millions on some property development.

Papa Byrd owes Pinky $1,000 in gambling or something, so he figures this will be easy. I'm not an expert on inflation, but I'm pretty sure a building in 1974 cost more than $1,000. Anyways, he hits up Papa Byrd and says that IOU is actually for $11,000 (oooh he's really sneaky, adding a 1 in front like that!). Papa Byrd tells him to step off, and then he and his karate students give Pinky and his boys a beat down. Movie over! Good guys win!

But no! He comes back with some meaner dudes and beats up everyone at the karate school. So the head teacher calls in Papa Byrd's finest student - Black Belt Jones! He comes down and gives everyone a whooping.

Alas, Papa Byrd learns nothing and go gets himself killed by Pinky and his gang, so they come down to the dojo to collect on the IOU - which has now been changed to $41,000. This dude is smart, the way he keeps changing numbers! But the dojo has been willed to Papa Byrd's only daughter and she has no interest in selling to Pinky. And of course, she also turns out to be a karate master. Her and Black Belt Jones whoop the bad guys, then the bad guys whoop the good guys when Jones and her are not around

and then Jones decides to use his brain as well as his fists, and teams up with a group of young trampolining girls he's been training (did I mention them earlier? I'm guessing he was specifically training them to use their trampoline skills in his undercover missions) to steal money from Don Steffano, then pay Pinky with it, so when Pinky pays Don Steffano the $250K he owes him, it's his own money. 

The bad guys only fall for it for about 5 minutes, and eventually everyone has a big rumble at the car wash! And by everyone, I mean Black Belt Jones vs Pinky, his gang and the entire mafia. 

REACTION
Look, I am not one to just throw around strong words for a laugh, so please believe me when I say... bah gawd THIS IS A PERFECT MOVIE! Non-stop action (seriously, when people aren't throwing down, there is a car chase thrown in for fun), hilarious dialogue, a funky soundtrack and fantastic characters; you've got mafia dudes with thick accents and names like Big Tuna and Don Steffano, like they're straight out of an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then you've got a crazy old man with a gambling problem who is running a karate dojo, when he can barely throw a kick - and he's none other than Scatman Crothers, AKA the voice of Hong Kong Phooey! You've got a serious badass woman in the supporting lead role. Okay, sure, she throws around homophobic slurs like she throws karate chops, but she whoops the bad guys and never gets in the way or anything. And then there is Black Belt Jones...

JIM KELLY
Now this is the movie that made me a fan. He's clearly having a lot of fun in this movie - and why not? He's like some sort of Afro-American James Bond; The Man wants him to work for them, but he's too smart for that bullshit, he has some great lines all over the place, he looks good and he gets to stay true to himself - again just hanging with regular folk and helping them against bad dudes. Also, he straight up whoops all the butts in this movie. I'm pretty sure he only got punched once or twice in the whole thing - that's a pretty good ratio, considering I think the UFC statisticians had him throwing something like 2,100 significant strikes over the duration of the film.

Instead of gifs and pics, I just want to buy you all a copy of the movie on DVD to watch. Black Belt Jones is the best.

Jim Kelly was the man!

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Enter The Dragon (1973)

THE MOVIE

Some Government agency (it is never specified who or where) ask Mr. Lee (Bruce Lee) to take part in a martial arts tournament to spy on the tournament's organiser, Han - a former member of said agency that went rogue and now lives on his own island, where they believe he is involved in all sorts of illegal operations. Lee isn't interested, until he discovers that Han's henchmen are responsible for the death of his sister. I mean, she did actually kill herself, but Han's henchmen were either going to beat or kill her themselves, so it's still fair to blame them. 

On the island, Lee meets some of the participants in the tournament. Well, actually only two of them; Roper and Williams.

They're old friends from Vietnam, and both completely different; Roper is a con artist or gambling addict that is running away from gambling debts or something and always likes to say "Wanna bet?" - even when it makes no sense - while Williams is my main man Jim Kelly, who hates ghettos and the man keeping bruthas down!

Anyways, Lee has no time for funny business, so he whoops butt in the tournament

and then whoops Han's rather inept security guards.

Han gets pissed off and throws the whole tournament format out the window, which leads to an all-out brawl between the participants of the tournament and Han's henchmen, and then Han's slaves join the party to help defeat Han's henchmen as well.

The workers be uprising! It's a revolution! Han really loses it now, and is forced into a battle to the death against Lee.

REACTION
Yeah, it's Enter The Dragon. Y'all should know this. It is the quintessential martial arts movie, complete with awesome tropes like 'rogue agency officer', 'martial arts tournament on a random island' and 'seeking revenge for a sibling'. It made Bruce Lee immortal. I'm not the biggest fan of Bruce Lee, but even I will admit that I always enjoy watching this movie. 

JIM KELLY

This movie also made a star of Jim Kelly; he had some great lines, showed some serious charisma, and is probably my favourite part of the movie. When we are first introduced to Williams, we see him being harassed by the police in America - so he is forced to defend himself, and thus he has fled to take to part in this tournament.

Then he starts the tournament by giving a douchebag bully from New Zealand a serious beatdown.

So to recap; he whooped the dirtbag cops and then whooped a dirtbag Australian pretending to be a dirtbag New Zealander. Bah gawd Williams may be the greatest character in cinema history! Before the tournament begins, Han offers Williams some of his 'women' and Williams apologises to the ladies that he is only taking 4 of them because he is tired from the long journey. Classy man! And when confronted by Han about who is beating up his henchmen and infiltrating his criminal organisation, Williams does not snitch on Lee to save himself - again, he is a man of true honor! Come to think of it, there is a recurring theme for the struggles Williams faces; he is harassed by the pigs for no reason, and then gets accused of infiltrating Han's organisation for no reason. Why the man always trying to keep a brutha down, huh??

Of course, being Jim Kelly, he defeats Han and saves the world. Totally. Yup yup that is totally what happened...

I could sit here all day just making gifs from this movie - which is probably why I'm five movies into the Jamboree, but only now completing my second review.

It goes without saying that this film is highly recommended.

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Melinda (1972)

THE MOVIE

We open with the funkiest of instrumentals, while a dude drives the coolest looking Corvette in 1972.

We're off to a great start!

Then, we find ourselves in a community centre or something where my man Jim Kelly is training locals in the art of Karate. He decides to demonstrate his superior skills by whooping the dude that was driving the Corvette.

After embarrassing him, my man Jim Kelly tells this dude (Frankie J. Parker - our actual main character) that he needs to talk to the owner of the centre about giving him a break on the rent, because they are there to help people and fight against drugs. 

Jim Kelly is the man.

Anyways, Parker is a DJ. And a ladies man. And supremely full of himself.

He goes to a bar and picks up a woman named Melinda, and takes her to a party on a boat being held by his dear friend, Tank. Tank made lots of money in the NFL. And if this wasn't a 1972 blaxploitation film, I would swear Tank is actually in love with his friend Frankie; I know that wasn't the intention, but the way he is portrayed just screamed secret crush. Especially with lines about how all his gifts to Frankie "are from the heart".

Plus he totally gets in the way when Frankie is trying to mack on Melinda - even interrupting by introducing Frankie's ex-girlfriend! 

So after telling Frankie that she absolutely will not be having sex with him, Melinda of course has sex with Frankie and they fall madly in love. We see them going on dates and telling each other how much they love each other, so I assume they are now in the midst of a serious relationship. Turns out, it has only been two days! I'd say something like 'maybe the sex was really good', but they showed it. It was weird.

Frankie comes home from the radio station on the second day of this whirlwind romance, only to find his beloved Melinda has been murdered. His arrival is promptly followed by the police, who quickly assume he is the murderer and arrest him. Now, I'm not Batman (I'm LOGMAN), but I would think the fact Frankie just arrived, has no blood on his clothing, and there is likely nothing in the room to say he did it would have me considering it may have been someone else. But that's why they are the police. Realising the man is never going to believe him, Frankie sets out to find the real murderer. But of course, it is not simple. He has to fight off some junkie whore and some trusted allies, until he is finally able to come face to face with the man responsible. And then beat the crap out of him and his cronies, with the help of Jim Kelly and the other karate students.

REACTION

Is my write up here boring? Because this movie was... kinda boring. And dumb. Frankie J. Parker was completely unlikeable - just an arrogant douche that just expected everyone to worship him. The biggest failing for me, was that the movie didn't seem to know what tone it wanted to portray; the whole thing seemed to take itself way too seriously, but also featured some bizarre silly gags, like every time Tank was getting sexytimes with a lady he would be interrupted by Frankie, or at the start where the guy following Melinda sat outside Frankie's door listening to them have sex - and he was so turned on by it, he had an orgasm in the hallway. At one point, it felt like a serious version of Dolemite!

And did I mention how unlikeable our main character was? And to add further nonsense to it all, when we are first introduced to his ex-girlfriend, she is portrayed as being obsessed with him and he chews her out for not being worthy of his love. But then about halfway through the movie, she turns into his biggest ally and they are madly in love again. Which again, is only like a day or two removed from his latest girlfriend being murdered. Dude just moves quickly, I guess...

JIM KELLY
Well, like I said - he ran a community centre, taught Karate, and beat up a lot of bad guys to help the main character. I originally thought this was done after Enter The Dragon, due to that movie billing him as "Introducing", but here he was only billed in a very minor way amongst a million other names - which had me concerned that the opening scene was all I was going to see of him. Had ETD been released first, I am certain he would have received some type of co-headlining credit. Or maybe they would have redone the whole movie to make him the star? I don't know. What I do know is Jim Kelly beating up drug pushers and telling Parker how jive he was, was the highlight of the movie and I am glad he appeared more than I actually thought he would. The two hours were literally bookended by Jim Kelly displaying Karate supremacy. And that made it worthwhile, I guess.

I would recommend watching the first few minutes and then skipping to the end for the karate fight.

Jim Kelly June Jamboree

Jim Kelly was cool.

After becoming a world champion in Karate, Mr. Jim Kelly would go on to star in many action movies throughout the 1970s, where he would whoop the bad guys and charm the ladies, while showing off his impressive martial arts skills and rocking an iconic afro. He inspired African-Americans to take up martial arts, his image became iconic and his influence can still be seen today in pop culture. He also supported community causes. AND was a professional tennis player!

Jim Kelly was cool.

Now, I will admit that I have not actually seen a great deal of his movies. But I do have a t-shirt with his image displayed on the front, which I wear with pride. And the films that I have seen, I've enjoyed immensely. African-American badass karate expert that fights against the man? Count me in. Four times a week, in fact. Because this month, to commemorate the 10th anniversary of his passing, I will be watching four Jim Kelly movies each week. And bLogging about it. Maybe. Because I haven't done any sort of movie reviews for quite some time, and I think it might be fun. Well, it will be for me. So it's time to throw on my Jim Kelly t-shirt, make a hot chocolate, and pay tribute to the coolest karate cat of the 70s.

Because Jim Kelly was cool.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Rewatch: Half-Time Report

It's been 9 years since I my initial complete viewing of the original 1987 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series, so I figured it was time to make another go of it. 100 episodes in, let's check in how things are going, shall we?

• There is not a bad episode in the first 3 seasons. Sure, there are a couple in season 3 that aren't so awesome as the others, but until I hit the European Vacation side-season, I didn't find myself not enjoying any of the episodes.
• But boy, that European Vacation side-season is pretty terrible. The whole things feels much cheaper and less polished. Raphael and Shredder having the replacement voices throughout (except for a couple of episodes for Shredder) doesn't help either. Also, and I'm guessing this is due to the Euro production involved, but people got way more into April. Shredder often talked to her about being beautiful and everyone wanted to kidnap her.
• Even more nonsense approach to the Euro episodes, is that Shredder and Krang knew the turtles were in Europe and decided this will be the one time they will explore the area. The turtles live in New York - if Krang knew about some special metal that could only be found in Italy, why didn't he go check that out in like episode 20? They can teleport to anywhere in the world, but the turtles can't.
• I think it was episode 74 when The Shredder said something like "I'm sick of the turtles foiling my plans!". Poor dude - we're not even halfway through them foiling your plans!
• David Wise was a great writer, but it is kinda funny how many similar stories he wrote for other cartoons.
• Shredder's Mom might well be one of the funniest episodes I never saw as a child. 
• I totally didn't notice when I was young, and I don't think I was paying too much attention last time I went through the series, but bah gawd Rob Paulsen, Cam Clarke and James Avery did a lot of voices. Peter Renaday as the various mob bosses always cracks me up.
• Irma is awesome. I think she used to annoy me, but now she is absolutely one of my favourite characters.
• Naming Zach "the fifth turtle" is incredibly ludicrous; he helped them ONE TIME and they give him such an honour, but then we only see him like twice afterwards - clearly he is not an important part of their lives or success. April, however, is always there and often helps the turtles in various ways. She's awesome and is the real fifth turtle.
• Elvis makes many appearances and in many forms.

I just read a quote from the voice of April O'Neil where she compared the main voice cast to the Marx Brothers and it all makes sense. I love the humour in this show and I love old vaudevillian humour. The bad puns, the play on words, and breaking the 4th wall. It's all hilarious to me.

Anyways, I think that is enough for now. Let's see how the next 93 episodes go!