7 April 2019
MetLife Stadium
East Rutherford, New Jersey - USA
Attendance: 82,265
Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Renee Young, Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton
My thoughts before this viewing:
I know very little about what we're about to see tonight, outside of maybe two title matches; Seth Rollins vs Brock Lesnar (I'm assuming is for the title) and Ronda Rousey vs Becky Lynch vs Charlotte Flair in the main even. I don't think I know much of anything else. I didn't watch this lasyt year because I wasn't interested at all. BUT I'm actually interested today! Yesterday was kinda fun, so let's see if this be just as good. Or better. Hahahaha just kidding.
FYI Asuka was used on the preshow, so won't be wrestling on the main card. What a waste!
Alexa Bliss is our host tonight?
Oh, fuck this show.
America the Beautiful
Yolanda Adams is here to sing something so completely over the top that I can't even recognise it as the same song. Which I guess is kinda good. Just way too over the top.
4/10
Opening Video
WWE think they're doing Shakespeare. I think they're doing a music video with bad dancing
1/10
Corey Graves immediately makes me regret not watching this show in Japanese. I mean, we've got someone new again - couldn't they have replaced Graves at the same time?
Alexa Bliss opens the show with boredom. So Hulk Hogan comes out to my surprise and a massive ovation from the crowd. Yay racist delusional assholes! They do poses together and Alexa Bliss is about the size of half of Hogan's pythons. Bah gawd she is not believable as a wrestler whatsoever.
Paul Heyman storms past them both because he figures this show will go long enough and he ain't got time for the stupid. Hey wait - we're actually doing this now??
Universal Championship
Seth Rollins vs Brock Lesnar (c) (w/Paul Heyman)
Seth is now calling himself "The Beast Slayer" but Brock is throwing him around and I think now he can call himself the "German Announce Desk Slayer" or something.
Then again it didn't break - so perhaps that desk gets to call itself "The Seth Rollins Slayer"? Anyways, he is just getting straight up murderised until of course the match officially starts and makes a miraculous comeback to 'slay the beast'.
Winner = Seth Rollins via pinfall following 3 curbstomps
5/10
New Champion!
I'll never understand how Paul Heyman can be ringside and freaking out his "client" is about to lose, but never does anything to help him. Brock stays dead and Seth celebrates for about a day, with massive pyro - is this the end already?? Fuck yeah! Top marks!!
Promo for the WWE website where you can buy 1 and get another for $1. Insert RoboCop joke, I guess.
Lesnar stumbles to the back while Jerry 'the King' Lawler comes out for commentary. Dammit - got my hopes up that really was the end.
AJ Styles vs Randy Orton
Randy looks to be in a bad mood - guess that means he's doing the job today.
Commentators keep talking about Orton's family and I can't work out if it's part of the storyline or just a lame way to setup Lawler and his 'hilarious' jokes. This may well be the slowest AJ Styles match I've ever seen - the crowd actually seem to care less than I do. Orton wakes them up with an RKO, but he's now pissed at the crowd for caring more about doing a wave or something. This is vintage Randy Orton!
Winner = AJ Styles via pinfall following Phenomenal Forearm
4/10
I enjoyed the fakeouts for their finishing moves, but holy shit that was like they were just warming up.
Sasha Banks appears in some awful commercial for something I will now never buy.
Oh yay there's a new WWE game! I can't wait to never play that!
Lacey Evans comes out and... does... nothing.
WTF?!?!
Smackdown Tag-Team Championship
Fatal Four-Way
The Usos (c) vs The Bar vs Shinsuke Nakamura & Rusev (w/Lana) vs Ricochet & Aleister Black
Is it just me, or do The Usos come out as champions every WrestleMania?
Nakamura & Rusev? What kind of weird tag-team is that? And Lana's back as well?
Ricochet??! And he only weight 190 pounds??
Honestly, what a bizarre collection of teams; I have a feeling this could be good.
Cesaro and Ricochet start going at it and it is all sorts of awesome; reminds me of watching Chikara. Cesaro is honestly so darn good. He gives Ricochet the giant swing while Sheamus beats the snot out of every other competitor.
Then Cesaro follows it up with a Sharpshooter. This is possibly the greatest WrestleMania spot ever and I'm not being sarcastic.
Rusev yells "I AM RUSEV" and no one cares - which is amazing, considering the last WrestleMania everyone wanted Rusev Day. He and Nakamura have fallen soooo far since last year. NOW their tag-team makes sense to me!
We get more Chikara vibes with some ginormous tower of doom that somehow Ricochet survives because he's Ricochet.
Then everyone just kills each other and The Usos somehow survive.
Winners = The Usos via pinfall following a double splash
7/10
I'd have scored that higher if ANY of the other teams had won.
Hall of Fame Highlights
Oh man - Brutus 'the Barber' Beefcake finally got inducted! And The Hart Foundation! Of course, they had to be upstaged by De-Generation X because big-nose-cock-face needs to be the centre of attention and is probably going to be inducted in the WWE Hall of Fame about 20 times. But this is the same Hall of Fame that just inducted Kid fucking Rock, so credibility is not what they're going with.
Video Package
Shane McMahone and The Miz became tag-team champions AND best friends! But then Shane stabbed Miz in the back and beat up his Dad or something. Shane thinks he's the best in the world, but Miz tells him he is actually "the worst". Oooooh whatta burn! Probably took him all day to think of that one.
2/10
Falls Count Anywhere
The Miz vs Shane McMahon
If I can muster up even an ounce of fucks to give about this match, it will be an Easter miracle...
Shane looks red and blown up after just his entrance. How in the fuck does The Miz get pyro??
Shane just clowns Miz and makes him look so useless his dad has to run out to protect him. So now we get old man Shane vs even older man Miz's Dad. At least it makes Shane look younger?
Someone actually tries to start a "Let's go Miz!" chant? Thank god no one else joined them or I think I would have given up right now.
Now they're brawling up where all the international commentators are based - some shitty table near the back of the stadium. Leave the Japanese team alone, you heartless bastards! Shane climbs up some high scaffolding which I can only assume will lead to him falling off said scaffolding. It's what Shane is good for. Instead, Miz does the stupid thing and suplexes him off - which means he falls and hurts himself too. Idiot.
Camera shows them dead on the highly padded cardboard boxes floor and Shane has an arm on top of Miz - technically they should count the pin for him.
Oh shit - they do!
Winner = Shane McMahon via pinfall following The Miz being a fucking moron
3/10
And 2 of those points are because I liked that finish.
Promo for Money in the Bank 'Network Special'.
My money in the bank will never be spent on your network. Hahaha oh I'm so funny!
Promo for DAZN? That's like competition for the WWE Network. And the ad is straightup saying they want to kill PPV - which is the opposite of where WWE are now heading with their business strategy. Talk about fucked up moments...
Paige is here to commentate. I'm here to groan.
WWE Women's Tag-Team Championship
Fatal Four-Way
Sasha & Bailey (c) vs Nia Jax & Tamina vs The Iiconics vs Nattie Neidhart & Beth Phoenix
Bailey still has those inflatable waving things, but it looks like someone killed the blue ones.
Bret 'Hitman' Hart is here! He only comes out to give Nattie and Beth a quick high-5 and leaves - clearly that will be the best 10 seconds of this match.
Sasha Banks does a splash and it is apparently an homage to Eddie Guerrero. Except when he did the splash, it was fucking awesome; Sasha looked garbage, so I consider that more of an insult.
I have finished my Pepsi.
I need more Pepsi.
Between Paige on commentary and these Australian girls constantly shouting and screaming, there is not enough Pepsi in the world that could help me through this match.
Winners = The Iiconics via stolen pinfall after Beth Phoenix murdered someone or something
1/10
That was not a good match. And the worst part became the tag-team champions.
I can't believe we're not even halfway through yet...
Now we get a recap of some helicopters flying overhead from the preshow or something, like it's some kind of big deal. Sure, I guess if you think the Iiconics are entertaining, then you likely think a beige sofa is a big deal.
Video Package
Highlights of Kofi's career. He has done a lot of silly spots. Daniel Bryan has a wooden title belt?? Jesus F Christ I feel like this company turned upside-down since I was last here. Daniel Bryan is calling Kofi a "B+ player"; so it's basically just the same story they gave Daniel Bryan 5 years ago. Yawn.
6/10
WWE Championship
Kofi Kingston (w/New Day) vs Daniel Bryan (c) (w/Rowan)
New Day are here to pump up the crowd and give them pancakes. Honestly, if you dudes gave me pancakes I'd probably cheer for you as well! Kofi and Bryan botch like 4 moves in a row and I'm wondering if they can please keep up that pace to keep me entertained.
They keep cutting to backstage where all the 'good guys' are crowded around a TV, cheering for Kofi.
Fucking cringe.
Big E is like a cross between Alfonso Ribeiro and Mr. T. I think the three of them should form a team for next WrestleMania - fingers crossed!
Winner = Kofi Kingston via pinfall following Trouble in Paradise
6/10
Apart from the botches at the start, their chemistry did improve. Remember when people didn't need to hit a finishing move to win a match? I feel like this was the type of match where that would have been great - like, have Kofi roll Bryan up for a sneaky pin or something.
Kofi's kids get in the ring and throw t-shirts. Pancakes are better!
"There is not a more deserving person" Uuuhhh yeah there are many. Shut the fuck up.
Recap of the preshow. Braun Strowman continues to be a barrel of fun and I wonder why he wasn't on this show instead of the fucking Iiconics.
Now Alexa Bliss is backstage with some dudes from Saturday Night Live or something. They're sad so Scott Hall and Kevin Nash will be their doctors? And Nash wants to check their prostrate?
Fuck. This. Show.
Booker T is out to join the commentary team. And what in the blue circles of hell is Rey Mysterio supposed to be this year??
WWE United States Championship
Rey Mysterio vs Samoa Joe (c)
The match goes for exactly one minute, but in that time we get Joe attacking Rey, the hero making his comeback and then Joe cutting him off and then murdering him.
Winner = Samoa Joe via rear-naked choke
5/10
Video Package
The Big Dog beat cancer! But he couldn't beat Brock Lesnar - so that means Lesnar is tougher than Cancer, right? Drew McIntyre thinks he is too. I think he's more boring than my bLog.
4/10
Roman Reigns vs Drew McIntyre
Drew McIntyre thinks he's 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper and gets a full Scottish marching band or something.
I think he's Roddy Piper circa WrestleMania VI when he was stinking up the show. However he does pull out the amazing new submission move of wiping his opponent's face with his own wristband.
Submission via personal hygiene!
"Roman is in there with a machine!" - but if I remember correctly, he's a "young dog machine" himself, so it sounds like he's in the correct division.
"This one's for Ambrose" actually come to think of it, where is that dude? He hasn't been at the last couple of WrestleManias. I could do with a lot more Dean Ambrose and a lot less Drew McIntyre. I'd settle for just less Drew McIntyre.
Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall following spear
5/10
I think this may be the least amount of boos Roman has received since he was with The Shield.
Money in the Bank promo again?
I already said now - asking me again after 4 hours of this horseshit isn't going to change my mind.
Time for our WrestleMania tradition of embarrassing Snickers ads!
This year, Rusev and Lana are using their natural voices. Just fucking bizarre.
Elias is introduced playing drums and then piano on the big screen, before finally appearing in the ring to have a blues jam with himself.
His guitar skills have improved, but his timing is still garbage. The crowd are singing the riff from Seven Nation Army, so he plays along and then promises the greatest performance ever. Look, I'm no virtuoso, but Seven Nation Army is hardly a challenging riff. Wait - this guy is now over? How in the fuck did that happen?
No, wait - he just told the crowd to shut their mouths, so clearly he's still a bad guy. And now someone is interrupting his performance with old footage of baseball...
It's John Cena! And.. he's... young rapper John Cena? He even looks about 20 years younger - did they just roll him out of a time machine? Is this because modern John Cena already embarrassed Elias at WrestleMania, so now young 2003 John Cena gets a turn?
John Cena gives Keegan-Michael Key a hug and the WWE don't even acknowledge him - because he's actually cool.
Anyways, John Cena proceeds to give Elias an almighty burial in the form of rap, and it's a WrestleMania miracle.
Video Package
Ric Flair is fucking old and Batista wasn't invited to his birthday party? Then cuts an honest promo about how much of a piece of shit the H Bomb is, but somehow he's the bad guy? I forgot about 'Boo-tista' - that was funny.
You know what's not funny? Highlight packages about how awesome The H Bomb is.
5/10
No Holds Barred Career Match
Triple H vs Batista
Of course, we get another special commentator in Shawn Michaels. But I still have to put up with Corey Graves, so it's like covering a sore with a burning building.
Like The Miz, Batista is also doing the 'Hollywood movie star' gimmick - except his is actually real. you know what's not real? The premise of this match; Batista has always hated Triple H and beat up Ric Flair to get to him, despite Batista trying to kill Shawn Michaels a few years ago for retiring his mentor Ric Flair. Oh and they make a point of saying The H Bomb has never beaten Batista - so why the fuck would Batista be so out to get HHH? Wouldn't it make more sense that Triple H would want to beat Batista, since he's never been able to do it?
Anyways, of course big-nose-cock-face thinks he's Mad Max or something and comes out on the back of the Munstermobile.
AND THEN does his full entrance. Michael Cole asks "How cool was that?" The answer is not fucking cool at all, Michael Cole. Not fucking cool at all.
Holy shit I've written more about this match than anything else and IT HASN'T EVEN STARTED YET
I'm sitting here wondering why Batista would wear a nose ring in a wrestling match, but then of course it leads to a spot where HHH pulls it out with pliers. Hilariously, the replay shows he clearly didn't do it at all.
Batista clears one of the announce tables for a big spot - which no doubt means he'll be the one going through the table. And then he goes through another table, because he's a good friend like that.
HHH looking under the ring.
Corey Graves: "God only knows what Triple H is looking for under there"
Duh, it's a fucking sledgehammer. He only uses them every match. Are you new here?
Batista tries to use the sledgehammer, but forgets only HHH wields that power!
Ric Flair comes out and gives HHH another sledgehammer.
I give myself another slap in the face for watching this.
Winner = Triple H via pinfall following flying sledgehammer strike and then pedigree because he's Triple H, you moron
3/10
Of course The H Bomb won't be retiring; he still has many people to beat at WrestleMania.
Alex Bliss is back. So is my eye-rolling.
Now JBL gets an entrance as well?
Oh, fuck him too!
Kurt Angle's Farewell Match
Kurt Angle vs Baron Corbin
Of all the people to end Kurt's career with, you go with Baron fucking Corbin? And he's dressed as a bartender?
Corbin mocks John Cena for no reason at all. Talk about cheap heat.
And a cheap ending.
Winner = Baron Corbin via pinfall following End of Days or whatever his finisher is. Like I give a fuck.
1/10
Kurt Angle is one of the absolute best of all time, but he's well past that now. And Baron Corbin is a sack of shit, so this was completely unnecessary. Kurt should have fought someone better.
5 years ago and retired then.
Kurt asks the crowd to tell him he sucks. Weird.
Another promo for the website.
If I buy a t-shirt, will you give me back my 5 hours?
Intercontinental Championship
'The Demon' Finn Balor vs Bobby Lashley (c)
Finn Balor is now cosplaying as the Boogeyman?
Winner = Finn Balor via pinfall following doublestomp thing
3/10
More Alexa Bliss.
Pretty sure she's now appeared more times than any other host before her. She makes R-Truth and Carmella come out and lead a dance break.
Fuck this show.
The Miz and his wife have a reality show??
Look, I'm not one to judge people by what they watch. But if you are someone that watches that show, please kill yourself and everyone you know and never breed and break your kneecaps or something.
Insert gif of someone throwing their hands in the air and saying 'Fuck this'
MAIN EVENT
Finally!
Video Package
Becky Lynch thinks she's a man? Charlotte Flair thinks she's a (drag) queen? Ronda Rousey thinks she's still the baddest woman on the planet?
Only WWE could have Ronda Rousey perform in scripted finishes and still ruin her within a year.
5/10
WWE Raw & Smackdown Women's Championship
Winner Takes All Triple-Threat Match
Becky Lynch vs Charlotte Flair (c) vs Ronda Rousey (c)
Joan Jett is here? For reals??
Charlotte arrives in a helicopter and it takes about a year. Yawn. She's actually getting the biggest entrance of the three and for no apparent reason. She's seriously the HHH of this division.
Rousey should just go into business for herself and slap the actual shit out of these women. She at least makes me happy for 30 seconds by laying in some heavy boots. Becky still has the hair of a troll.
Rousey doing a double armbar is possibly the dumbest spot I've seen so far.
Charlotte thinks she's Bret Hart and does a ringpost figure-4, but she's not Bret Hart. Her Dad couldn't even beat Bret Hart!
I want to watch Bret Hart...
Becky pulls out a table, tries to set it up, fails, slides it in the ring (barely) and then fails at setting it up again. And all for Rousey to yell "Tables are for bitches".
Why is Becky trying to put an armbar on Ronda fucking Rousey? The mere idea of that is just ridiculous.
Rousey hits the Piper's Pit, but Becky rolls it into a pin, even though Ronda's shoulders are up?
Winner = Becky Lynch via botched pinfall
4/10
Booooooring
The show the replay where Ronda clearly had her shoulders up, but the commentary team try to play it off like it didn't really happy. Becky celebrates with her belts, pyro and we the fuck outta here!
WrestleMania XXXV: The Awards
MetLife Stadium
East Rutherford, New Jersey - USA
Attendance: 82,265
Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Renee Young, Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton
My thoughts before this viewing:
I know very little about what we're about to see tonight, outside of maybe two title matches; Seth Rollins vs Brock Lesnar (I'm assuming is for the title) and Ronda Rousey vs Becky Lynch vs Charlotte Flair in the main even. I don't think I know much of anything else. I didn't watch this lasyt year because I wasn't interested at all. BUT I'm actually interested today! Yesterday was kinda fun, so let's see if this be just as good. Or better. Hahahaha just kidding.
FYI Asuka was used on the preshow, so won't be wrestling on the main card. What a waste!
Alexa Bliss is our host tonight?
Oh, fuck this show.
America the Beautiful
Yolanda Adams is here to sing something so completely over the top that I can't even recognise it as the same song. Which I guess is kinda good. Just way too over the top.
4/10
Opening Video
WWE think they're doing Shakespeare. I think they're doing a music video with bad dancing
1/10
Corey Graves immediately makes me regret not watching this show in Japanese. I mean, we've got someone new again - couldn't they have replaced Graves at the same time?
Alexa Bliss opens the show with boredom. So Hulk Hogan comes out to my surprise and a massive ovation from the crowd. Yay racist delusional assholes! They do poses together and Alexa Bliss is about the size of half of Hogan's pythons. Bah gawd she is not believable as a wrestler whatsoever.
Paul Heyman storms past them both because he figures this show will go long enough and he ain't got time for the stupid. Hey wait - we're actually doing this now??
Universal Championship
Seth Rollins vs Brock Lesnar (c) (w/Paul Heyman)
Winner = Seth Rollins via pinfall following 3 curbstomps
5/10
New Champion!
I'll never understand how Paul Heyman can be ringside and freaking out his "client" is about to lose, but never does anything to help him. Brock stays dead and Seth celebrates for about a day, with massive pyro - is this the end already?? Fuck yeah! Top marks!!
Promo for the WWE website where you can buy 1 and get another for $1. Insert RoboCop joke, I guess.
Lesnar stumbles to the back while Jerry 'the King' Lawler comes out for commentary. Dammit - got my hopes up that really was the end.
AJ Styles vs Randy Orton
Commentators keep talking about Orton's family and I can't work out if it's part of the storyline or just a lame way to setup Lawler and his 'hilarious' jokes. This may well be the slowest AJ Styles match I've ever seen - the crowd actually seem to care less than I do. Orton wakes them up with an RKO, but he's now pissed at the crowd for caring more about doing a wave or something. This is vintage Randy Orton!
Winner = AJ Styles via pinfall following Phenomenal Forearm
4/10
I enjoyed the fakeouts for their finishing moves, but holy shit that was like they were just warming up.
Sasha Banks appears in some awful commercial for something I will now never buy.
Oh yay there's a new WWE game! I can't wait to never play that!
Lacey Evans comes out and... does... nothing.
Smackdown Tag-Team Championship
Fatal Four-Way
The Usos (c) vs The Bar vs Shinsuke Nakamura & Rusev (w/Lana) vs Ricochet & Aleister Black
Nakamura & Rusev? What kind of weird tag-team is that? And Lana's back as well?
Ricochet??! And he only weight 190 pounds??
Honestly, what a bizarre collection of teams; I have a feeling this could be good.
Cesaro and Ricochet start going at it and it is all sorts of awesome; reminds me of watching Chikara. Cesaro is honestly so darn good. He gives Ricochet the giant swing while Sheamus beats the snot out of every other competitor.
Rusev yells "I AM RUSEV" and no one cares - which is amazing, considering the last WrestleMania everyone wanted Rusev Day. He and Nakamura have fallen soooo far since last year. NOW their tag-team makes sense to me!
We get more Chikara vibes with some ginormous tower of doom that somehow Ricochet survives because he's Ricochet.
Winners = The Usos via pinfall following a double splash
7/10
I'd have scored that higher if ANY of the other teams had won.
Hall of Fame Highlights
Oh man - Brutus 'the Barber' Beefcake finally got inducted! And The Hart Foundation! Of course, they had to be upstaged by De-Generation X because big-nose-cock-face needs to be the centre of attention and is probably going to be inducted in the WWE Hall of Fame about 20 times. But this is the same Hall of Fame that just inducted Kid fucking Rock, so credibility is not what they're going with.
Video Package
Shane McMahone and The Miz became tag-team champions AND best friends! But then Shane stabbed Miz in the back and beat up his Dad or something. Shane thinks he's the best in the world, but Miz tells him he is actually "the worst". Oooooh whatta burn! Probably took him all day to think of that one.
2/10
Falls Count Anywhere
The Miz vs Shane McMahon
If I can muster up even an ounce of fucks to give about this match, it will be an Easter miracle...
Shane looks red and blown up after just his entrance. How in the fuck does The Miz get pyro??
Shane just clowns Miz and makes him look so useless his dad has to run out to protect him. So now we get old man Shane vs even older man Miz's Dad. At least it makes Shane look younger?
Now they're brawling up where all the international commentators are based - some shitty table near the back of the stadium. Leave the Japanese team alone, you heartless bastards! Shane climbs up some high scaffolding which I can only assume will lead to him falling off said scaffolding. It's what Shane is good for. Instead, Miz does the stupid thing and suplexes him off - which means he falls and hurts himself too. Idiot.
Winner = Shane McMahon via pinfall following The Miz being a fucking moron
3/10
And 2 of those points are because I liked that finish.
Promo for Money in the Bank 'Network Special'.
My money in the bank will never be spent on your network. Hahaha oh I'm so funny!
Promo for DAZN? That's like competition for the WWE Network. And the ad is straightup saying they want to kill PPV - which is the opposite of where WWE are now heading with their business strategy. Talk about fucked up moments...
Paige is here to commentate. I'm here to groan.
WWE Women's Tag-Team Championship
Fatal Four-Way
Sasha & Bailey (c) vs Nia Jax & Tamina vs The Iiconics vs Nattie Neidhart & Beth Phoenix
I have finished my Pepsi.
I need more Pepsi.
Between Paige on commentary and these Australian girls constantly shouting and screaming, there is not enough Pepsi in the world that could help me through this match.
Winners = The Iiconics via stolen pinfall after Beth Phoenix murdered someone or something
1/10
That was not a good match. And the worst part became the tag-team champions.
I can't believe we're not even halfway through yet...
Now we get a recap of some helicopters flying overhead from the preshow or something, like it's some kind of big deal. Sure, I guess if you think the Iiconics are entertaining, then you likely think a beige sofa is a big deal.
Video Package
Highlights of Kofi's career. He has done a lot of silly spots. Daniel Bryan has a wooden title belt?? Jesus F Christ I feel like this company turned upside-down since I was last here. Daniel Bryan is calling Kofi a "B+ player"; so it's basically just the same story they gave Daniel Bryan 5 years ago. Yawn.
6/10
WWE Championship
Kofi Kingston (w/New Day) vs Daniel Bryan (c) (w/Rowan)
They keep cutting to backstage where all the 'good guys' are crowded around a TV, cheering for Kofi.
Big E is like a cross between Alfonso Ribeiro and Mr. T. I think the three of them should form a team for next WrestleMania - fingers crossed!
Winner = Kofi Kingston via pinfall following Trouble in Paradise
6/10
Apart from the botches at the start, their chemistry did improve. Remember when people didn't need to hit a finishing move to win a match? I feel like this was the type of match where that would have been great - like, have Kofi roll Bryan up for a sneaky pin or something.
Kofi's kids get in the ring and throw t-shirts. Pancakes are better!
"There is not a more deserving person" Uuuhhh yeah there are many. Shut the fuck up.
Recap of the preshow. Braun Strowman continues to be a barrel of fun and I wonder why he wasn't on this show instead of the fucking Iiconics.
Now Alexa Bliss is backstage with some dudes from Saturday Night Live or something. They're sad so Scott Hall and Kevin Nash will be their doctors? And Nash wants to check their prostrate?
Fuck. This. Show.
Booker T is out to join the commentary team. And what in the blue circles of hell is Rey Mysterio supposed to be this year??
WWE United States Championship
Rey Mysterio vs Samoa Joe (c)
Winner = Samoa Joe via rear-naked choke
5/10
Video Package
The Big Dog beat cancer! But he couldn't beat Brock Lesnar - so that means Lesnar is tougher than Cancer, right? Drew McIntyre thinks he is too. I think he's more boring than my bLog.
4/10
Roman Reigns vs Drew McIntyre
Drew McIntyre thinks he's 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper and gets a full Scottish marching band or something.
"Roman is in there with a machine!" - but if I remember correctly, he's a "young dog machine" himself, so it sounds like he's in the correct division.
"This one's for Ambrose" actually come to think of it, where is that dude? He hasn't been at the last couple of WrestleManias. I could do with a lot more Dean Ambrose and a lot less Drew McIntyre. I'd settle for just less Drew McIntyre.
Winner = Roman Reigns via pinfall following spear
5/10
I think this may be the least amount of boos Roman has received since he was with The Shield.
Money in the Bank promo again?
I already said now - asking me again after 4 hours of this horseshit isn't going to change my mind.
Time for our WrestleMania tradition of embarrassing Snickers ads!
This year, Rusev and Lana are using their natural voices. Just fucking bizarre.
Elias is introduced playing drums and then piano on the big screen, before finally appearing in the ring to have a blues jam with himself.
No, wait - he just told the crowd to shut their mouths, so clearly he's still a bad guy. And now someone is interrupting his performance with old footage of baseball...
It's John Cena! And.. he's... young rapper John Cena? He even looks about 20 years younger - did they just roll him out of a time machine? Is this because modern John Cena already embarrassed Elias at WrestleMania, so now young 2003 John Cena gets a turn?
John Cena gives Keegan-Michael Key a hug and the WWE don't even acknowledge him - because he's actually cool.
Anyways, John Cena proceeds to give Elias an almighty burial in the form of rap, and it's a WrestleMania miracle.
Video Package
Ric Flair is fucking old and Batista wasn't invited to his birthday party? Then cuts an honest promo about how much of a piece of shit the H Bomb is, but somehow he's the bad guy? I forgot about 'Boo-tista' - that was funny.
5/10
No Holds Barred Career Match
Triple H vs Batista
Of course, we get another special commentator in Shawn Michaels. But I still have to put up with Corey Graves, so it's like covering a sore with a burning building.
Anyways, of course big-nose-cock-face thinks he's Mad Max or something and comes out on the back of the Munstermobile.
Holy shit I've written more about this match than anything else and IT HASN'T EVEN STARTED YET
I'm sitting here wondering why Batista would wear a nose ring in a wrestling match, but then of course it leads to a spot where HHH pulls it out with pliers. Hilariously, the replay shows he clearly didn't do it at all.
Batista clears one of the announce tables for a big spot - which no doubt means he'll be the one going through the table. And then he goes through another table, because he's a good friend like that.
HHH looking under the ring.
Corey Graves: "God only knows what Triple H is looking for under there"
Duh, it's a fucking sledgehammer. He only uses them every match. Are you new here?
Batista tries to use the sledgehammer, but forgets only HHH wields that power!
Ric Flair comes out and gives HHH another sledgehammer.
I give myself another slap in the face for watching this.
Winner = Triple H via pinfall following flying sledgehammer strike and then pedigree because he's Triple H, you moron
3/10
Of course The H Bomb won't be retiring; he still has many people to beat at WrestleMania.
Alex Bliss is back. So is my eye-rolling.
Now JBL gets an entrance as well?
Oh, fuck him too!
Kurt Angle's Farewell Match
Kurt Angle vs Baron Corbin
Of all the people to end Kurt's career with, you go with Baron fucking Corbin? And he's dressed as a bartender?
And a cheap ending.
Winner = Baron Corbin via pinfall following End of Days or whatever his finisher is. Like I give a fuck.
1/10
Kurt Angle is one of the absolute best of all time, but he's well past that now. And Baron Corbin is a sack of shit, so this was completely unnecessary. Kurt should have fought someone better.
5 years ago and retired then.
Kurt asks the crowd to tell him he sucks. Weird.
Another promo for the website.
If I buy a t-shirt, will you give me back my 5 hours?
Intercontinental Championship
'The Demon' Finn Balor vs Bobby Lashley (c)
Winner = Finn Balor via pinfall following doublestomp thing
3/10
More Alexa Bliss.
Pretty sure she's now appeared more times than any other host before her. She makes R-Truth and Carmella come out and lead a dance break.
Fuck this show.
The Miz and his wife have a reality show??
Look, I'm not one to judge people by what they watch. But if you are someone that watches that show, please kill yourself and everyone you know and never breed and break your kneecaps or something.
Insert gif of someone throwing their hands in the air and saying 'Fuck this'
MAIN EVENT
Finally!
Video Package
Becky Lynch thinks she's a man? Charlotte Flair thinks she's a (drag) queen? Ronda Rousey thinks she's still the baddest woman on the planet?
Only WWE could have Ronda Rousey perform in scripted finishes and still ruin her within a year.
5/10
WWE Raw & Smackdown Women's Championship
Winner Takes All Triple-Threat Match
Becky Lynch vs Charlotte Flair (c) vs Ronda Rousey (c)
Joan Jett is here? For reals??
Charlotte arrives in a helicopter and it takes about a year. Yawn. She's actually getting the biggest entrance of the three and for no apparent reason. She's seriously the HHH of this division.
Rousey should just go into business for herself and slap the actual shit out of these women. She at least makes me happy for 30 seconds by laying in some heavy boots. Becky still has the hair of a troll.
Rousey doing a double armbar is possibly the dumbest spot I've seen so far.
I want to watch Bret Hart...
Becky pulls out a table, tries to set it up, fails, slides it in the ring (barely) and then fails at setting it up again. And all for Rousey to yell "Tables are for bitches".
Why is Becky trying to put an armbar on Ronda fucking Rousey? The mere idea of that is just ridiculous.
Rousey hits the Piper's Pit, but Becky rolls it into a pin, even though Ronda's shoulders are up?
4/10
Booooooring
The show the replay where Ronda clearly had her shoulders up, but the commentary team try to play it off like it didn't really happy. Becky celebrates with her belts, pyro and we the fuck outta here!
WrestleMania XXXV: The Awards
- Best Match
The Usos vs The Bar vs Shinsuke Nakamura & Rusev (w/Lana) vs Ricochet & Aleister Black
Cesaro is awesome. - Worst Match
Sasha & Bailey vs Nia Jax & Tamina vs The Iiconics vs Nattie Neidhart & Beth Phoenix
If you like the Iiconics, you should get COVID19 and die. - Highlight of the Show
Cesaro with the giant swing while Sheamus beat the shit out of everyone else. - Lowlight of the Show
Seeing Kurt Angle go out like that with people chanting you suck. - Star of the Show
I guess Becky Lynch but not really. - Best Celebrity Appearance
Keegan-Michael Key because it was quick and he's cool. I would have given it to Joan Jett, but she's about 30 years too late and seemed kinda bored. - Worst Celebrity Appearance
I actually can't think of any. - Tonight's Meal
Tonight's wraps were a blend of avocado, spinach, onion, cucumber, capsicum, strawberry tomatoes, pumpkin and kumara hummus with indian pakora topped with a mango chutney. Tasty. I drank a bottle of Pepsi Max with Raspberry and could have had more. - T-Shirt Cleanliness
I spilled a bunch on the floor but missed my shirt. - Overall Score
If yesterday was "a long fucking show" then this was The Lord of the Rings by comparison. Or the fucking bible, because most of it was boring and went nowhere. In fact, I barely remember anything - that's the kind of show it was. I don't even know what to say, other than there is no way in hell I'd ever watch that again.
3 out of 10
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