8 April 2018
Mercedes-Benz Superdome
New Orleans, Louisiana - USA
Attendance: 78,133
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jonathan Coachman, Corey Graves, Byron Saxton, Tom Phillips
My thoughts before this viewing:
It's WrestleMania time!!! And here's a shock - there are actually matches I'm looking forward to! Asuka vs Charlotte Flair - the coolest and hottest female wrestler fighting for the title. Ronda Rousey teaming up with Kurt Angle. And Shinsuke Nakamura vs AJ Styles for the WWE Championship. Bah gawd!!! It makes me forget we're getting Reigns vs Lesnar for the title in the main event so WWE can finally achieve their goal of having Roman beat Lesnar at WrestleMania. I'm optimistic. I'm also optimistic WWE can use the next 5 hours to completely kill my enthusiasm.
America the Beautiful
Chloe and Halle? According the WWE they are a "critically acclaimed duo and the future of music"? I'm from the future and say you sure ain't no Boyz II Men.
5/10
Opening Video Package
"Everyone says life is short..." which is why I'm wasting mine watching WrestleMania. I'm pretty sure this is the same video package they used at WrestleMania XXX - including the same shitty song. I was already sick of that about 2 minutes into 6 years ago, so imagine my joy right now.
2/10
Michael Cole just said welcome to "the elegance" of WrestleMania.
Opening Match
Intercontinental Title Triple-Threat Match
Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins vs The Miz (c)
Seth Rollins is now the White King. And Graves' hair is about 10 shades douchier. Champ out... second? That's new. It's a shame they waste a decent song on someone completely not decent like The Miz, and as usual WWE make the most of such a superstar by using his entrance to introduce the various international commentary teams. Apparently he now thinks he's a movie star - call me when you remake Mr. Nanny. Or die. Finn Balor comes out with a large group of the gays:
Which seems to mean absolutely nothing. Michael Cole gives us some facts about the Intercontinental title at WrestleMania, which I have no doubt are complete bullshit but I do not have the time to go and check. This match is so important that we need to cut to John Cena sitting in the crowd.
Aaaaand it only took a couple of minutes for our first "This is awesome!" chant. Do wrestling fans not actually know what awesome is? That superplex-roll through for the pin spot was awesome - chant for that, you goofs!
Seth's boots are untied. He should win this and tie his laces.
Winner = Seth Rollins via pin following curbstomp
New Champion!
5/10
"He's had his WrestleMania moment before, but he hasn't had a moment like this"
You mean one that means less than all the others?
Promo for an Andre the Giant documentary. Looks good - unlike WrestleMania.
I want to watch that instead of WrestleMania.
John Cena is now taking selfies with fans. Dude's working hard!
Video Package
Lots of pointing. Also lots of Asuka. And Asuka is the bomb!
6/10
I want to marry Asuka
Smackdown Women's Championship
Asuka vs Charlotte Flair (c)
Don't you even think about fucking this up, WWE...
Champ out first? Sure - she isn't Asuka, so I'll allow it. She's accompanied by gladiators - they're not her Dad, so I'll allow it.
Honestly, what is it with WWE and big-nosed jerk-faces getting the most OTT entrances? And WTF is up with these lameass 3D graphics for everyone's entrances?
Asuka has a sparkly mask. It better not be the only sparkly thing she leaves with...
But WWE don't care about her so it's time to remind you John Cena is watching in the crowd.
Asuka does a flying bum attack which makes no sense because Japanese woman have no asses.
'This is the biggest women's match in WrestleMania history!'
Uhhh I saw the first WrestleMania and no women's match will ever be bigger than that one, so fuck you.
Now John Cena is confused.
Asuka hurts Flair's shoulder and mocks her for it
I love this woman!
And I fucking hate WWE
Winner = Charlotte Flair via Figure 8 submission
5/10
Fucking stupid.
Fucking stupid fuck!
Has anyone ever thought about how much Charlotte Flair looks like a cross between Ric Flair and Stephanie McMahon? Maybe she's their love child or something? Would sure explain complete bullshit like that.
Fuck this show.
"Charlotte was ready for Asuka!"
A ref sprints out and tells John Cena that Bumblebee is backstage or something, so John Cena decides the fans are annoying and runs backstage.
Meanwhile, Asuka is in the middle of the ring going 'Cooooool guess no one cares about my 3 year undefeated streak being ended'
WWE website store promotes stupid merch based on stupid crowd chants. Give me an Asuka t-shirt that says 'Fuck you, WWE'
Fatal 4-Way
US Championship
Bobby Roode vs Rusev (w/Aiden English) vs Jinder Mahal vs Randy Orton (c)
Roode's entrance is glorious.
Apparently this is "one fall to the finish" - so again, WWE don't understand what the rules for a fatal 4-way actually are.
Man, WTF is Orton doing with a shitty belt like the US title? Has his career regressed that badly? He tries to engage the crowd, but they don't care. Maybe that has something to do with it... So he RKO's everyone except Roode, which is glorious. The crowd chant for "Rusev Day". Which means he must lose.
Winner = Jinder Mahal via pinfall following whatever his finishing maneurver is.
New Champion!
4/10
Orton's sitting outside like 'I give zero fucks about that match' and it showed.
Snickers continue to make the most embarrassing ads for WrestleMania; this time it involves Mick Foley being arrested by some wrestlers because of his bad clothes, only for one of them to *swerve* reveal he's wearing the same outfit.
Thanks Kid Rock for continuing to make the shittiest of music!
Video Package
Ronda Rousey wants everyone's respect. So yeah, WWE is totally the best thing you can do to earn that! Stephanie McMahon claims pro-wrestling is much harder than MMA or the Olympics, but I don't know - Rousey seems to have the WrestleMania sign pointing shit down, so I think she's got a good chance here. Otherwise this is just 10 minutes of The H Bomb and Stephanie McMahon being The H Bomb and Stephanie McMahon.
Fuck this show.
2/10
Kurt Angle & 'Rowdy' Ronda Rousey vs Triple H & Stephanie McMahon
This year big nose dick face gets another motorcycle gang - only this time it's women only and Stephanie gets her own bike.
Fuck off, all of you.
So this is a couples match? How cute! The H Bomb is calling spots all over the place here - even put his hand in front of his mouth to pretend he wasn't. He also looks about 20 years older than when I last saw him. Stephanie blocks Ronda's armbar. Holy shit, why wasn't she training every woman in MMA?!? Then we actually get Rousey vs The H Bomb and I gotta say, that shit was fun. But you know, for someone that executes perfect armbars in real life, Rousey certainly has the fakest looking armbars in WWE.
Winners = Kurt Angle & Ronda Rousey via armbar submission on Stephanie McMahon
7/10
Stephanie blocked like 3 armbar attempts from Rousey. She must be the toughest woman in the world and should go challenge Amanda Nunes right now!
Dana White is happy! I don't know why - he didn't make any money of this, did he?
Ronda's husband is in the crowd and boy he has shitty seats. Couldn't even get front row for his wife's debut? For their "biggest signing ever" she sure got a crappy deal.
Wrestlers wear Tapout and grunt.
I wear pyjamas and go 'Fuck you, WWE'
Triple Threat Match
Smackdown Tag-Team Championship
New Day vs The Usos (c) vs The Bludgeon Brothers
First we get 3D pancakes.
Then midgets in pancake costumes.
Then everybody dancing and throwing pancakes.
I think someone spiked my Pepsi. I guess pancakes can be seen as carbo-loading before extreme physical exertion, like wrestling. So I will allow it.
The Bludgeon Brothers also completely murderise everyone, so I'll allow that.
Winners = The Bludgeon Brothers via pinfall following destruction
New Champions!
5/10
Hard to believe we are still only halfway through this show. But then easy to believe when you realise how compeletely dead this crowd is.
WWE Network Promo
Not only are WWE bragging about their fucking blood money deal with Saudi Arabia, but also hiring Bruce Pritchard. I don't know which is worse. Ronda Rousey says WWE is her calling. I guess the Olympics and MMA were just a warm-up.
Fuck. Your. Network.
John Cena comes out in his wrestling gear!
He's obviously decided the show was too boring for even him to sit through. He's there with a referee, but another another referee comes down to whisper sweet nothings in Cena's ear. Clearly he said something stupid about Transformers because now John Cena is mad! Aaaand now he's sad and leaves the ring, heading back to his seat to drown his sorrows in beer and idiots. But wait - he seems to have tripped over a plug, because all the lights are out. Could it be the Undertaker??
NOPE it's just some dude wearing a curtain and carrying a guitar. What a WrestleMania moment!
Anyways, Elias is here to sing a song about "somebody else". I know that - it was #1 for ages. He says something about not going for a walk in the park with John Cena - how rude! Almost as rude as his shitty guitar playing. There's a dude in a purple shirt just freaking out right now, but John Cena is a sucker for a good old fashioned love song, so he completely destroyes Elias to complete apathy from the crowd.
Aaaah WrestleMania.
Now Cena is heading backstage? Only 2 minutes ago, he was prepared to sit down and watch the rest of the show. Did he suddenly remember there's still like 3 hours of this bullshit?
Lights go out again. Bah gawd I hope it's Elias returning to perform another song.
Oh no - it's the Undertaker! Well, it's actually the Undertaker's gear in the middle of the ring. Then it magically disappears and the Undertaker walks to the ring.
Slowly. Like, I've seen women walk down the aisle at their weddings faster than this. Commentators keep asking which Undertaker this is; are you fucking blind? It's the same old man leather cowboy Undertaker we've been seeing for the last 10 years or so. Except way older and slower. John Cena is in shock! Despite him challenging the Undertaker to a match at WrestleMania for weeks and running around the building excited when he thought the Undertaker was here for the match 5 minutes ago.
The Undertaker vs John Cena
"The Undertaker is in better shape than Cena was expecting"
Really? Because he told everyone he'd been watching Undertaker's training videos on social media, so I would think he had a great idea of what kind of shape he was in. But he probably didn't expect this:
Winner = Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
5/10
John Cena got in like 2 offensive maneuvers. And none of them interesting.
Apparently that was "one of the greatest WrestleMania moments ever!"
I'd put it in the top 7986 for sure!
Hall of Fame Highlights
Jeff Jarrett sang a song with Road Dogg. Kid Rock was inducted. Burn your fucking hall of fame to the ground. Goldberg was inducted and asked "Who's next?" Given he's since won another WWE Championship, I'd say Goldberg's next.
Video Package
Daniel Bryan was cleared to wrestle again - but his acting is still not cleared to be any good. They show clips of Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn beating the crap out of Vince and Shane McMahon, so they are now my favourite wrestlers in WWE. Just play that shit for another 20 minutes, please. Kevin Owens was Daniel Bryan's friend, but now he's not - so that means Kevin Owens fighting a former friend has happened at every fucking WrestleMania he's appeared at. STOP BEING HIS FRIEND!
5/10
Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon vs Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn
Daniel gets murdered before the match even begins - $5 says that will last until the end of the match, when he'll make a miraculous comeback and win the whole thing. Now Shane McMahon will heroically compete against two pro-wrestlers and beats the crap out of them until they start cheating. No wait - they have to take advantage of his serious medical condition instead. That's even more ridiculous. Shane looks like he's about to have a heart attack. Or at least go to sleep. Probably should have carbo-loaded with New Day to keep his energy levels up. He's about to die when Daniel Bryan wins me $5.
Winners = Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon via 'Yes-Lock' Submission
4/10
Promo for a movie about Paige. She's as awful as The Rock is awesome.
Video Package
A tiny girl is bullying a big fat monster. No sense made.
-1/10
Raw Women's Championship
Nia Jax vs Alex Bliss (c) (w/Mickie James)
Nia completely destroys Mickie James while Bliss does her best attempt at an ANTM 'pretty but scared' photo shoot or something. Then lots of teenage girl screaming like their parents are ruining their lives, they somehow botch a throw, and I realise that the amount of fucks I could possibly give about this is equal to none.
Winner = Nia Jax via pinfall following Super Samoan Drop
New Champion!
1/10
Holy fuck that was a boring-ass teen drama that I wouldn't watch more than 2 seasons of.
More crowd reactions. Some dude in the crowd just celebrated WAY too hard and I can only assume he is a total loser and will be beaten up at school tomorrow.
Promo for Backlash. Fuck off if you think I'm going to watch that nonsense. But two more WrestleManias? Hell yes.
What a loser...
Video Package
AJ Styles vs Shinsuke Nakamura is apparently a dream match. Honestly, at this stage I'd just like AJ Styles to finally have a decent match at WrestleMania. I'm already impressed WWE actually showed so much footage of Styles wrestling for other companies - even showed a pic of him holding the TNA belt!
8/10
WWE Championship
AJ Styles (c) vs Shinsuke Nakamura
Nakamura's fake violinists looks totally awkward as fuck.
According the commentators, AJ Styles started using the 'Phenomenal Forearm' after wrestling in Japan, where a closed-fist is illegal:
1 - A closed fist is an illegal move in all of pro-wrestling everywhere
2 - He's been using the 'Phenomenal Forearm' since before I started watching him wrestle. Which dates back to 2001. AJ Styles started wrestling in Japan in 2013.
3 - Fuck you
You know, I've not seen any mention of this being WrestleMania 34 - all of WWE's promotional material just has it simply as "WrestleMania". But just now I noticed that on the back of the referee's shirt is the number 34. Huh...
Winner = AJ Styles via pinfall following Styles Clash
8/10
I guess Japanese aren't allowed to win at WrestleMania
They embrace Nakamura hands AJ the belt in a show of respect. Then he punches AJ in the balls and stomps the shit out of him.
Promo for the Greatest Royal Rumble.
No lie - I watched that.
Recap of the Preshow
This show has been so long that the preshow feels like it was yesterday.
What in the actual fuck is this?!?!
I don't even have words to describe it.
Oh wait - it's another unnecessary entrance for people no one cares about. Honestly, this crowd sounds like they're dead and want to go home already. I know I do. Wait - I'm already home? Why am I here?!?
Braun Strowman turns up to ROAR at everyone and make them run away and it's actually hilarious.
I've changed my mind - this was totally worthwhile.
Raw Tag-Team Championship
Braun Stowman & (?) vs The Bar (c)
Strowman announces he will be picking a tag-team partner from the crowd and then goes for a long search to find someone - eventually settling on some little girl. Seriously. This could be match of the night.
"This poor kid could get hurt!" Yes, please - kick her ass, Cesaro!
Oh wait turns out it's a boy. Dude needs a haircut and some facial hair, maybe.
7/10
If Cesaro had given that kid the giant swing, I would have gladly given it 10/10
Nicholas can't even hold up his own title belt!
Video Package
Roman Reigns is the people's hero standing up to Vince McMahon's chosen one. Seriously. I'm genuinely laughing at the irony, considering this is their 4th time trying to crown Roman as the future at WrestleMania.
6/10
WWE Universal Championship
Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar (c) (w/Paul Heyman)
This should be sooo fun and not at all predictable!
Aaaand it's time for button-mashing! German Suplexes vs Superman Punches!
CM Punk chants because this is the most exciting match after 7 hours. Brock looks like he's about to die and we're only 5 minutes in. He can barely lift Reigns for his 5th suplex city, bitch. After a 7th, Brock figures out the code to hit the F5 . After three, the crowd chant "Boring!". After the fifth, it's time for Roman Reigns to make his big comeback! The Spanish table is still in one piece, so Brock clears a table for destruction. This likely means he'll be the one going through it. Oh I'm wrong. Oh shit I'm even more wrong!
Winner = Brock Lesnar via pinfall following a million fucking suplexes and F5's
2/10
Brock leaves without even celebrating a bit. Why? Because this is all about how tough Roman Reigns is. Highlights of the show to send us home.
No wait - Roman leaves with his music blasting to actually end the night.
Roman Reigns is our hero!
Fuck off.
WrestleMania XXXIV: The Awards
Mercedes-Benz Superdome
New Orleans, Louisiana - USA
Attendance: 78,133
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jonathan Coachman, Corey Graves, Byron Saxton, Tom Phillips
My thoughts before this viewing:
It's WrestleMania time!!! And here's a shock - there are actually matches I'm looking forward to! Asuka vs Charlotte Flair - the coolest and hottest female wrestler fighting for the title. Ronda Rousey teaming up with Kurt Angle. And Shinsuke Nakamura vs AJ Styles for the WWE Championship. Bah gawd!!! It makes me forget we're getting Reigns vs Lesnar for the title in the main event so WWE can finally achieve their goal of having Roman beat Lesnar at WrestleMania. I'm optimistic. I'm also optimistic WWE can use the next 5 hours to completely kill my enthusiasm.
America the Beautiful
Chloe and Halle? According the WWE they are a "critically acclaimed duo and the future of music"? I'm from the future and say you sure ain't no Boyz II Men.
5/10
Opening Video Package
"Everyone says life is short..." which is why I'm wasting mine watching WrestleMania. I'm pretty sure this is the same video package they used at WrestleMania XXX - including the same shitty song. I was already sick of that about 2 minutes into 6 years ago, so imagine my joy right now.
2/10
Michael Cole just said welcome to "the elegance" of WrestleMania.
Opening Match
Intercontinental Title Triple-Threat Match
Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins vs The Miz (c)
Seth Rollins is now the White King. And Graves' hair is about 10 shades douchier. Champ out... second? That's new. It's a shame they waste a decent song on someone completely not decent like The Miz, and as usual WWE make the most of such a superstar by using his entrance to introduce the various international commentary teams. Apparently he now thinks he's a movie star - call me when you remake Mr. Nanny. Or die. Finn Balor comes out with a large group of the gays:
Winner = Seth Rollins via pin following curbstomp
New Champion!
5/10
"He's had his WrestleMania moment before, but he hasn't had a moment like this"
You mean one that means less than all the others?
Promo for an Andre the Giant documentary. Looks good - unlike WrestleMania.
I want to watch that instead of WrestleMania.
John Cena is now taking selfies with fans. Dude's working hard!
Lots of pointing. Also lots of Asuka. And Asuka is the bomb!
6/10
Smackdown Women's Championship
Asuka vs Charlotte Flair (c)
Don't you even think about fucking this up, WWE...
Champ out first? Sure - she isn't Asuka, so I'll allow it. She's accompanied by gladiators - they're not her Dad, so I'll allow it.
'This is the biggest women's match in WrestleMania history!'
Uhhh I saw the first WrestleMania and no women's match will ever be bigger than that one, so fuck you.
Now John Cena is confused.
And I fucking hate WWE
Winner = Charlotte Flair via Figure 8 submission
5/10
Fucking stupid.
Fucking stupid fuck!
Has anyone ever thought about how much Charlotte Flair looks like a cross between Ric Flair and Stephanie McMahon? Maybe she's their love child or something? Would sure explain complete bullshit like that.
Fuck this show.
"Charlotte was ready for Asuka!"
A ref sprints out and tells John Cena that Bumblebee is backstage or something, so John Cena decides the fans are annoying and runs backstage.
WWE website store promotes stupid merch based on stupid crowd chants. Give me an Asuka t-shirt that says 'Fuck you, WWE'
Fatal 4-Way
US Championship
Bobby Roode vs Rusev (w/Aiden English) vs Jinder Mahal vs Randy Orton (c)
Roode's entrance is glorious.
Man, WTF is Orton doing with a shitty belt like the US title? Has his career regressed that badly? He tries to engage the crowd, but they don't care. Maybe that has something to do with it... So he RKO's everyone except Roode, which is glorious. The crowd chant for "Rusev Day". Which means he must lose.
Winner = Jinder Mahal via pinfall following whatever his finishing maneurver is.
New Champion!
4/10
Orton's sitting outside like 'I give zero fucks about that match' and it showed.
Snickers continue to make the most embarrassing ads for WrestleMania; this time it involves Mick Foley being arrested by some wrestlers because of his bad clothes, only for one of them to *swerve* reveal he's wearing the same outfit.
Thanks Kid Rock for continuing to make the shittiest of music!
Video Package
Ronda Rousey wants everyone's respect. So yeah, WWE is totally the best thing you can do to earn that! Stephanie McMahon claims pro-wrestling is much harder than MMA or the Olympics, but I don't know - Rousey seems to have the WrestleMania sign pointing shit down, so I think she's got a good chance here. Otherwise this is just 10 minutes of The H Bomb and Stephanie McMahon being The H Bomb and Stephanie McMahon.
Fuck this show.
2/10
Kurt Angle & 'Rowdy' Ronda Rousey vs Triple H & Stephanie McMahon
This year big nose dick face gets another motorcycle gang - only this time it's women only and Stephanie gets her own bike.
Winners = Kurt Angle & Ronda Rousey via armbar submission on Stephanie McMahon
7/10
Stephanie blocked like 3 armbar attempts from Rousey. She must be the toughest woman in the world and should go challenge Amanda Nunes right now!
Dana White is happy! I don't know why - he didn't make any money of this, did he?
Ronda's husband is in the crowd and boy he has shitty seats. Couldn't even get front row for his wife's debut? For their "biggest signing ever" she sure got a crappy deal.
Wrestlers wear Tapout and grunt.
I wear pyjamas and go 'Fuck you, WWE'
Triple Threat Match
Smackdown Tag-Team Championship
New Day vs The Usos (c) vs The Bludgeon Brothers
First we get 3D pancakes.
Winners = The Bludgeon Brothers via pinfall following destruction
New Champions!
5/10
Hard to believe we are still only halfway through this show. But then easy to believe when you realise how compeletely dead this crowd is.
WWE Network Promo
Not only are WWE bragging about their fucking blood money deal with Saudi Arabia, but also hiring Bruce Pritchard. I don't know which is worse. Ronda Rousey says WWE is her calling. I guess the Olympics and MMA were just a warm-up.
Fuck. Your. Network.
John Cena comes out in his wrestling gear!
NOPE it's just some dude wearing a curtain and carrying a guitar. What a WrestleMania moment!
Anyways, Elias is here to sing a song about "somebody else". I know that - it was #1 for ages. He says something about not going for a walk in the park with John Cena - how rude! Almost as rude as his shitty guitar playing. There's a dude in a purple shirt just freaking out right now, but John Cena is a sucker for a good old fashioned love song, so he completely destroyes Elias to complete apathy from the crowd.
Aaaah WrestleMania.
Now Cena is heading backstage? Only 2 minutes ago, he was prepared to sit down and watch the rest of the show. Did he suddenly remember there's still like 3 hours of this bullshit?
Lights go out again. Bah gawd I hope it's Elias returning to perform another song.
Oh no - it's the Undertaker! Well, it's actually the Undertaker's gear in the middle of the ring. Then it magically disappears and the Undertaker walks to the ring.
The Undertaker vs John Cena
"The Undertaker is in better shape than Cena was expecting"
Really? Because he told everyone he'd been watching Undertaker's training videos on social media, so I would think he had a great idea of what kind of shape he was in. But he probably didn't expect this:
5/10
John Cena got in like 2 offensive maneuvers. And none of them interesting.
Apparently that was "one of the greatest WrestleMania moments ever!"
I'd put it in the top 7986 for sure!
Hall of Fame Highlights
Jeff Jarrett sang a song with Road Dogg. Kid Rock was inducted. Burn your fucking hall of fame to the ground. Goldberg was inducted and asked "Who's next?" Given he's since won another WWE Championship, I'd say Goldberg's next.
Video Package
Daniel Bryan was cleared to wrestle again - but his acting is still not cleared to be any good. They show clips of Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn beating the crap out of Vince and Shane McMahon, so they are now my favourite wrestlers in WWE. Just play that shit for another 20 minutes, please. Kevin Owens was Daniel Bryan's friend, but now he's not - so that means Kevin Owens fighting a former friend has happened at every fucking WrestleMania he's appeared at. STOP BEING HIS FRIEND!
5/10
Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon vs Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn
Daniel gets murdered before the match even begins - $5 says that will last until the end of the match, when he'll make a miraculous comeback and win the whole thing. Now Shane McMahon will heroically compete against two pro-wrestlers and beats the crap out of them until they start cheating. No wait - they have to take advantage of his serious medical condition instead. That's even more ridiculous. Shane looks like he's about to have a heart attack. Or at least go to sleep. Probably should have carbo-loaded with New Day to keep his energy levels up. He's about to die when Daniel Bryan wins me $5.
Winners = Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon via 'Yes-Lock' Submission
4/10
Promo for a movie about Paige. She's as awful as The Rock is awesome.
Video Package
A tiny girl is bullying a big fat monster. No sense made.
-1/10
Raw Women's Championship
Nia Jax vs Alex Bliss (c) (w/Mickie James)
Nia completely destroys Mickie James while Bliss does her best attempt at an ANTM 'pretty but scared' photo shoot or something. Then lots of teenage girl screaming like their parents are ruining their lives, they somehow botch a throw, and I realise that the amount of fucks I could possibly give about this is equal to none.
Winner = Nia Jax via pinfall following Super Samoan Drop
New Champion!
1/10
Holy fuck that was a boring-ass teen drama that I wouldn't watch more than 2 seasons of.
More crowd reactions. Some dude in the crowd just celebrated WAY too hard and I can only assume he is a total loser and will be beaten up at school tomorrow.
Promo for Backlash. Fuck off if you think I'm going to watch that nonsense. But two more WrestleManias? Hell yes.
What a loser...
Video Package
AJ Styles vs Shinsuke Nakamura is apparently a dream match. Honestly, at this stage I'd just like AJ Styles to finally have a decent match at WrestleMania. I'm already impressed WWE actually showed so much footage of Styles wrestling for other companies - even showed a pic of him holding the TNA belt!
8/10
WWE Championship
AJ Styles (c) vs Shinsuke Nakamura
Nakamura's fake violinists looks totally awkward as fuck.
1 - A closed fist is an illegal move in all of pro-wrestling everywhere
2 - He's been using the 'Phenomenal Forearm' since before I started watching him wrestle. Which dates back to 2001. AJ Styles started wrestling in Japan in 2013.
3 - Fuck you
You know, I've not seen any mention of this being WrestleMania 34 - all of WWE's promotional material just has it simply as "WrestleMania". But just now I noticed that on the back of the referee's shirt is the number 34. Huh...
Winner = AJ Styles via pinfall following Styles Clash
8/10
I guess Japanese aren't allowed to win at WrestleMania
They embrace Nakamura hands AJ the belt in a show of respect. Then he punches AJ in the balls and stomps the shit out of him.
Promo for the Greatest Royal Rumble.
No lie - I watched that.
Recap of the Preshow
This show has been so long that the preshow feels like it was yesterday.
What in the actual fuck is this?!?!
Oh wait - it's another unnecessary entrance for people no one cares about. Honestly, this crowd sounds like they're dead and want to go home already. I know I do. Wait - I'm already home? Why am I here?!?
Braun Strowman turns up to ROAR at everyone and make them run away and it's actually hilarious.
Raw Tag-Team Championship
Braun Stowman & (?) vs The Bar (c)
Strowman announces he will be picking a tag-team partner from the crowd and then goes for a long search to find someone - eventually settling on some little girl. Seriously. This could be match of the night.
Oh wait turns out it's a boy. Dude needs a haircut and some facial hair, maybe.
Now Cesaro is talking all sorts of trash to this kid. Kick her his ass, Cesaro!
Dude spends the entire match in the corner, terrified and clinging to the ropes. No wait - Strowman just tagged her him in! Dammit - he immediately tags out again so Braun can demolish The Bar on his own. I really wanted to see Cesaro kick that little kid's ass.
Winners = Braun Strowman and Nicholas via pinfall via powerslams by Braun
New Champions!7/10
If Cesaro had given that kid the giant swing, I would have gladly given it 10/10
Nicholas can't even hold up his own title belt!
Video Package
Roman Reigns is the people's hero standing up to Vince McMahon's chosen one. Seriously. I'm genuinely laughing at the irony, considering this is their 4th time trying to crown Roman as the future at WrestleMania.
6/10
WWE Universal Championship
Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar (c) (w/Paul Heyman)
This should be sooo fun and not at all predictable!
Aaaand it's time for button-mashing! German Suplexes vs Superman Punches!
CM Punk chants because this is the most exciting match after 7 hours. Brock looks like he's about to die and we're only 5 minutes in. He can barely lift Reigns for his 5th suplex city, bitch. After a 7th, Brock figures out the code to hit the F5 . After three, the crowd chant "Boring!". After the fifth, it's time for Roman Reigns to make his big comeback! The Spanish table is still in one piece, so Brock clears a table for destruction. This likely means he'll be the one going through it. Oh I'm wrong. Oh shit I'm even more wrong!
Winner = Brock Lesnar via pinfall following a million fucking suplexes and F5's
2/10
Brock leaves without even celebrating a bit. Why? Because this is all about how tough Roman Reigns is. Highlights of the show to send us home.
No wait - Roman leaves with his music blasting to actually end the night.
Roman Reigns is our hero!
Fuck off.
WrestleMania XXXIV: The Awards
- Best Match
AJ Styles vs Shinsuke Nakamura
If the crowd hadn't been so dead, I have no doubt they would have been totally into this and therefore lifted it to where it needed to be. Plus I just couldn't live with myself if I gave this The H Bomb and his annoying wife. - Worst Match
Nia Jax vs Alexa Bliss
Teen drama bullshit mixed with poor wrestling. - Highlight of the Show
A little girl boy becoming tag-team champion without actually wrestling. And I'm not joking. Though Cesaro beating the shit out of that kid would have been even better. - Lowlight of the Show
Tough call between the Alexa Bliss/Nia Jax melodrama and Stephanie McMahon's promo on Ronda Rousey, where she did the whole 'this is a fake story, but this part is actually real'. But then I remember Nia screaming "HOW COULD YOU?!? I LOVED YOU!" during their match and I gotta back to that. - Star of the Show
Ronda Rousey. Her match reminded me of the first WrestleMania main event - and that's what that should have been. Legit should have been the main event. Probably would have stopped the crowd from dying as well. - Best Celebrity Appearance
Ronda Rousey. - Worst Celebrity Appearance
Kid Rock. Fuck that guy. - Tonight's Meal
Tonight's wraps were a blend of avocado, spinach, onion, capsicum, strawberry tomatoes, beetroot hummus and bean sprouts with vegetarian meatballs in a tomato & basil sauce and mustard. Seriously good. I drank a truckload of Pepsi Max with Raspberry to get me through a 5 hours show. Also succumbed and had a Snickers because they sponsor this shit every year. WrestleMania - not my bLog. HEY SNICKERS SPONSOR MY BLOG. - T-Shirt Cleanliness
I did not spill a thing! Incredibly amazing and I hope to repeat this miraculous fete the next two days. - Overall Score
This was a long fucking show. Trim it down an hour, and it would have been better. End it after the Rousey match, and it would have been awesome. But WWE just have to cram everyone and everything on these shows and it hurts it. That said, I did actually have fun - despite Asuka getting completely shafted. That killed my vibe a great deal, but some seriously weird results aside, once I removed that disappointment and accepted things, this was a lot more fun than I expected.
5 out of 10
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