UWF Fury Hour: Episode 45

UWF Fury Hour Episode 45, 12th July 1992

I'm pretty sure they are just using the same opening introduction from Craig and John Tolos each week. It's always something about guys being bigger and bigger. At least Herb gives us a rundown of the wrestlers for each show and they are all so very exciting!

Apparently, "this match would be a main event anywhere in the world!". Is that world in the Shitburger Universe?

The Nightstalker vs Death Row 3260
There is some music edited in and it is so funky I think it should be Death Row's theme song. Or the UWF theme song. Or my theme song? Tolos says The Nightstalker has "style that can't be bought at a drugstore". Unlike his steroids? "Style" is exactly what I think of when I see big dude walking around in black underpants and carrying a big toy axe. They wrestle for a bit and then decide to just stand in the middle of the ring and look at each other for 2 minutes. Death Row rolls around the ring after being stomped and it's fucking hilarious. Then Tolos starts going nuts over it, which makes it more hilarious. Then Death Row misses the worst splash ever and it's even more fucking hilarious.

The Nightstalker grabs his toy axe, but Craig thinks it is a fucking hatchet. Motherfucker can't even call inanimate objects correctly.

Winner = Death Row 3260 via disqualification.

The Nightstalker attempts to use his plastic axe to chop up Death Row, but he is prevented by 'Dynamite' David Perry. So Death Row now has an ally? Will this make him less angry? All he ever needed was someone to understand him... and to make 'the man' pay for putting him in jail.

'Pistol' Pez Whatley vs Vladimir (not Nikita) Koloff
The sound-mix somehow has the commentators buried beneath everything. But it seems Craig is upset because Colonel Red wouldn't let him weigh and measure Koloff or something. This is actually hilarious; they are giving Vladimir a whole new backstory, like he isn't the same dude that was on the show a year ago. Wait - they just said he's Nikita's brother? Apparently Colonel Red beat up Herb so badly it resulted in Herb being taken to the hospital. I don't remember this - perhaps it will air later this episode? Or a later episode? Or not at all, knowing this editing team. Maybe this Vladimir dude is not actually Nikita - because he is way worse than Nikita ever was.

Draw via double-countout.

A bunch of dudes come out to put an end to their brawling.

Sunny Beach vs Barry Horowitz
Holy fuck, what a combo of skill and charisma! Hey Beach - where's the surfboard gone? You're nothing without it. Sunny Beach says he's been in Japan, but he didn't like their beaches. Well, I don't like your beach! Tolos calls a roll-up a "super great finishing move". It doesn't get Horowitz the win, so it can't be that "super".

Winner = Sunny Beach via roll-up and holding the tights.

Tolos was right! I shouldn't question the man.
Tolos is very angry with Sunny Beach for cheating, but then is like "Hey, you gotta win here in the UWF so good for him!" OK?

Herb and Captain Lou Albano want you to call the Powerline because they are proud men.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray (w/Sunny Beach) vs Helmet Hessler (w/Kevin Casey)
Why didn't Wild Thing come out to help Sunny Beach in his last match? Clearly there's a power dynamic in this partnership. Tolos bets Craig a 7Up that Hessler will get the win. What a wager! Sunny Beach talks to the referee while Hessler and Casey just destroy Wild Thing with a table and golf club. How on Earth did the referee not notice any of this happening? Eventually he does... and... does nothing. I'll be honest - I'm barely paying attention to this, because it's all just interference bullshit and it's fucking Wild Thing vs Helmet Hessler.

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via disqualification.

Tolos says "this is just the beginning". Please just fast-forward to the end!

Thoughts:

• Death Row 3260 continues to be the funniest motherfucker going today! Or at least 1992.
• WTF is up with this whole Vladimir/Nikita thing? Are they the same guy? Are they different guys?
• John Tolos gets crazier every week.