UWF Fury Hour: Episode 31

UWF Fury Hour Episode 31, 3rd June 1991

New York! I'm excited because it's the last episode before The Beach Brawl and THIS IS THE FURY HOUR!!!

Herb is still in the editing room, warning you there will be a lot of talk about The Beach Brawl today, including a press conference or something. It's a "dynamite episode" you say? The lineup says otherwise...

Today we get two editions of Captain Lou's Corner? Oh fuck you! I'll blow you up with dynamite?

Ivan Koloff (w/Mr. Red) vs Chris Michaels (w/American flag)
Koloff has a manager now? We already had Mr. Black, now we've got Mr. Red - is this Reservoir Dogs? Mr. Red is bitching about Captain Lou Albano doing something to him... except this is the first time he's appeared?

He has a thick redneck accent, and then berates the New York crowd for being hillbillies. Bruno is like 'WTF? Does he even know where we are?'

Winner = Ivan Koloff via choke

Ivan beats Michaels with the chain after the fight, while Mr. Red distracts the referee. Why? The fight's over - the referee means nothing now. Holy shit, here comes Bob Backlund to make the save and keep us stuck in the 1970's.

Don Muraco has things to say to Terry Gordy. Terry Gordy just wants to talk about a parking lot.

Captain Lou's Corner
Terry Gordy says Don Muraco is a big man with a big reputation. He expects bombs will explode at The Beach Brawl. Captain Lou does not agree with Gordy's tactics but does respect his skills. Fuck off.

The UWF crew sit down to predict the main event. Bruno picks 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams to win, due to his experience and conditioning. Craig and Brian both pick Bam Bam Bigelow to win because he's a big fat dude and he's hungry? He's going to eat 'Dr. Death'? Herb agrees with Bruno and just looks unhappy in general.

Oh wow we're now actually getting a full rundown of the card for (The) Beach Brawl. It looks... like an episode of The Fury Hour.

Wet N' Wild vs Power Twins (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)
Bruno is slowly losing patience pretending to care about Wet N' Wild. Tolos is just nonchalantly beating Steve Ray with a chair and it's hilarious.

Sunny Beach hits a bulldog on one of the twins and Craig calls it a "powerbomb maneuver". The Power Twins bring in the surfboard. Bruno thinks they should be disqualified since they used it first, even though Wet N' Wild are the ones that get an advantage from it.

Draw via double-disqualification

Tolos beats Sunny Beach with his shoe. Craig calls Beach "sexy" so it's official - the lead commentator is blind.

The UWF will hold another show the night before (The) Beach Brawl and it actually looks somewhat interesting!

Beach Brawl Press Conference
Bam Bam Bigelow has decided to go full on bad guy for this. Which is weird, considering he's been a good guy since he arrived and 'Dr. Death' has been a real shit since about episode 2.

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano is joined by The Power Twins and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos. Apparently 'The Golden Greek will be spending some time in a cage?? Tolos: "I'm a man! I'm a man! A real man!". Albano repeats that he will be put in a cage. WHEN AND WHY FOR FUCK'S SAKE?!?! And now Tolos is calling some guys "insects". WHO??!??!

The (Killer) Bees vs Cash Jackson & Jobber Calhoun
I'm not going to lie to you, loyal readers; I lost interest in this match about 5 seconds in when The (No Longer Killer?) Bees came to the ring without wearing the old Bee masks or yellow jackets. I guess they lost all that swag along with the "Killer" part of their name?

Winners = The Bees via dropkick from 'Jumping' Jim Brunzell

Is Brunzell still 'Jumping' Jim or did he lose his nickname as well? Also, how much plastic surgery has the guy had??

Beach Brawl Press Conference part II
Bam Bam Bigelow justifies being fat because he's strong and works during the day...

Is 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams calling Bigelow "Polly"? He says he has flames on his feet that will remove Bigelow's tattoos or something. Don't ask me.

Ask The Wrestlers

Muraco says he has fought everyone but the toughest were Ivan Koloff and Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka. You never fought me! Snuka killed a lady; don't know if that's "tough", but it sure is shitty.

Nikolai Volkoff is proud to be Russian and also a US citizen. Sound like the worst of all fucking worlds, right there.

Nikolai Volkoff vs The Beast
The Beast punches Volkoff in the balls, but I guess low blows are legal in the UWF? Volkoff hits the worst spinning kick I've seen today. 

Winner = Nikolai Volkoff via clothesline

These Russians sure do like their clotheslines...

That's it??

Thoughts:

• Herb looks absolutely miserable. It's like his investment is not going so well, or something...
• This was the go-home to their first pay-per-view event, and it ended with Nikolai Volkoff and The Beast - two guys NOT on the pay-per-view.
• WCW was also fucking stupid at times, but I'm still giving it the win for this week.