UWF Beach Brawl

UWF Beach Brawl, 9th June 1991

Before we start, let's discuss this tournament, shall we?

The first round of matches were not aired on TV and apparently happened at 'house shows'. Did those house shows actually take place? Did these first round matches actually occur? Well, I don't know for certain. But I can't find any proof of any events happening in Texas, and I sure don't remember them advertising any events in Texas, so to see some results from a show in Texas... well, that's suspicious. Next, we look at the 2nd round. There were supposed to be four matches: The first lasted 5 seconds before being thrown out - it was clearly used to setup a match for the PPV. The second match involved 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams possibly shooting on 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray for Herb Abrams' personal vendetta. Seriously. The third match didn't happen, as one of the participants "didn't show up" so the other person advanced without a match happening. The fourth match... it's like it never existed - I have no idea who it was to have been between and it was never advertised. And thus, our final was determined with only ONE match being relevant. Remember - we were told every week this was "a format devised by Dr. Herb Abrams". Motherfucker has a doctorate in crack.

Also, I'll point out that 'Dr. Death' being the only person in the tournament to actually wrestle a match in the tournament is one reason I don't actually believe Steve Ray when he says him getting manhandled by Steve Williams was a work. 

So... yeah. The worst tournament ever is to finally be concluded tonight!

It's 4am! I've got vege dogs! I've got PepsiMax! I've got ice cream! Let's do this!!!

We open with a video package showing old wrestling clips. Really fucking old. Herb wanted to bring wrestling back to the glory days. Today the UWF will follow tradition and crown their own champion.

Also on the card: The Black Harts, Terry Gordy vs Don Muraco, The Power Twins vs Mass Confusion (FKA The Killer Bees), a "Legends Match" between Bob Backlund & Ivan Koloff, 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Colonel DeBeers, and Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack.

Bam Bam Bigelow says nothing will stop him from destroying 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams.

'Dr. Death' is concentrating on stomping Bam Bam Bigelow to death.

Holy shit - the arena is dark! I guess they're trying to hide the 98% of the building that is empty?

Brian Ricco is our host or something. He can't pronounce "behemoth" properly, and brings in a very upset Herb Abrams who tries to pretend he is "elated". Brian asks who Herb thinks will win tonight and be crowned the very first UWF Sportschannel TV Champion... and Herb just simply says 'Dr. Death. Then Brian tells us there will also be a "Ladies Championship" match tonight - between two women that have never wrestled in the UWF before. That sounds about right. AND on the hotline right now is... Mr. Red? I can pay to talk to Mr. Fucking Red?? Can I also pay someone to stomp my balls??

Craig and Bruno are looking sharp tonight! They mention that Don Muraco is not here and will be replaced by Johnny Ace because he lives nearby.

Frankie E is backstage with Bam Bam Bigelow, who says he has trained and studied hard for the match tonight. He has... "hobility"? Mo' money, mo' happy! Oh shit - it's his son's 3rd birthday today. Happy Birthday, Bam Bam's son! Your present is your Dad wrestling in the darkest shittiest place in Florida (which is already one of the shittiest places).

Now he talks to 'Dr. Death' and there's talk of "secrecy" in his training camp. What is he, a Formula 1 team? He says people tried to stab him in the back to get to the title. MOTHER. FUCKER. You were attacking 'Mr. Wonderful' for months! Frankie: "Strong words from a strong man".

Now it's back to Brian. Will this show ever start?!?

Honestly, the more I see it, the more it looks like a shitty WCW taping from a house show or something - pretty far from a wrestling promotion's biggest event ever.

Opening Match
The Black Harts (w/Luna Vachon) vs Jim Cooper and The Fire Cat

Wow, what a totally PPV worthy match and like nothing we see on The Fury Hour each week! Bruno references Japanese wrestling magazines and that's seriously all I have to say about this.

Winners = The Black Harts via 'Vegematic' I think

Luna attacks The Fire Cat with a chain. It wasn't a bad match, but no one cared. Because no one cares about a couple of jobbers wrestling poorly against a tag-team that no one cares about. Also, there's no one there.

Luna complains to Brian about the match-making, so he just cuts her off to start the next match.

Street Fight
Johnny Ace vs Terry Gordy
I was actually wondering the other day whatever happened to Johnny Ace - and now I know he's living in Florida just waiting by the phone in the hopes someone will ask him to wrestle! Craig makes sure to point out that the crowd don't care about him. Great stuff! Terry Gordy has the best and most appropriate entrance song (Bastard by Mötley Crüe). For a 'street fight', they sure are doing a whole lot of basic wrestling moves. Bruno thinks these guys could have a wonderful technical match if they stuck to the rules - which they have been doing now for like 10 minutes. Ace goes for a move outside the ring but Gordy fails to catch him, which means we finally get some 'street fighting' in the crowd. But it's so dark, I can't see a damned thing that's happening.

No Contest via double-countout

In a fucking 'Street Fight'???
They keep 'fighting' (e.g. headlocks) but why are there little kids running around the ring? They waste more time just jawing at each other. That was OK while it lasted... but a countout in a street fight is fucking nonsense.

Bruno gives us an insight into thinking like a champion, because we need more time spent on not wrestling.

Mass/Mask Confusion vs The Power Twins
Apparently The Power Twins aren't allowed to have John Tolos with them. The Killer Bees have brought back the jackets! But not the masks - which is fucking hilarious, given the name change (which has changed again in the half hour since the intro).

Craig is crying because The Power Twins throw their shirts at him. Free clothes!

Don't complain - you might need some after this. Craig: "There are no opening acts at The Beach Brawl." Motherfucker has the show not started?? BAHAHAHA Blair does that whole 'struggling to reach his corner and make a tag' spot and the Power Twin actually pushes him closer, so Blair has to pretend that he's not now right in front of his tag partner.

The Bees/Confusion put on their masks so they can swap places, but there's no fooling Bruno. If The Power Twins were doing this, y'all would be bitching so hard. Why isn't the referee questioning them putting masks on in the middle of a match??

Winners = The Killer Bees/Mass/Mask Confusion via sunset flip and mask wearing

I think I need to go watch The Killer Bees vs The Hart Foundation from one of my Bret Hart DVDs because I can't actually recall if The Bees were ever actually any good.

Hear The Beach Brawl by phone?? What the fuck does that even mean?? Is Herb going to hold the phone up near the ring so you can hear them stomping in the ring???

We've got like 5 matches left... and only 1 hour...

UWF Ladies Championship
Rockin' Robin vs Candi Devine
Interesting choice to completely ignore the women that have actually been wrestling on UWF shows. Craig tries to put over Robin's singing. MOTHERFUCKER I still have nightmares about that nonsense. YOU GAWDAM TRIGGERED MY WRESTLEMANIA PTSD!

Winner = Rockin' Robin via rollup

New Champion!

That match was... not good.

Craig and Bruno think that Rockin' Robin will have a tough time defending the title. Because of the competition, the fact she's never wrestled in the UWF before, or because the UWF is about to go out of business?

Recap of the Colonel DeBeers and 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff feud. Which is a recap of the Colonel DeBeers and Billy Jack Haynes feud. Because Orndorff and DeBeers haven't interacted with each other even once on UWF television. Craig again mentions these are "highlights that led up to tonight's match". Riiiiight.

Strap Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs Colonel DeBeers
Has DeBeers always used Shout at the Devil as his entrance song? I can only assume Herb picks the music and only has one CD (Shout at the Devil). Herb being a massive Mötley Crüe fan somehow makes a lot of sense. 'Mr. Wonderful' is fucking awesome - why was he not in the tournament? Why isn't the final of the tournament a big blow-off to his feud with 'Dr. Death' with the UWF title on the line?? Bruno gives DeBeers credit for cheating - because Orndorff is so good, DeBeers needs any advantage he can get. Bruno even makes the bad guys look better.

Winner = 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff via piledriver

OK so what was the point of the strap? DeBeers reacts to his loss by attacking Orndorff with a taser. Lovely. Bruno sounds legit disgusted.

Captain Lou's Corner
Are you fucking kidding me now?? His guests are Luna Vachon and The Black Harts. Albano decides he doesn't like his guests, so throws down his mic and leaves. Cool.

You can buy a souvenir programme! Imagine the wonderful information that must contain... The postal address has changed; Herb must have moved house.

Legends Match
Bob Backlund vs Ivan Koloff (w/Mr. Red)
Bob Backlund is "the undefeated champion of the world". Which is why he has no championship? Holy shit - the dude sure was strong!

Winner = Bob Backlund via rollup

Captain Lou Albano comes back out to beat up Mr. Red.

We get a recap of the Wet N' Wild/Bob Orton & Cactus Jack feud. Which actually works, because these guys have been feuding for months and fighting each other regularly on television.

Wet N' Wild vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack (w/'The Golden Greek' John Tolos)
Craig is absolutely losing his shit over the "babes" walking out with Wet N' Wild.

Tolos is thrown in a cage; dude needs RoboCop to rescue him!

Doesn't take long for the referee to be knocked out, so Tolos throws Orton some brass knuckles.

But then Orton punches Cactus Jack by accident.

Winners = Wet N' Wild via Orton fucking up

Cactus Jack and Orton get into a brawl and take it backstage.

Recap of the events leading up to our main event! Bam Bam Bigelow beat up some jobber and 'Dr. Death' won the only match of the tournament.

UWF Sportschannel TV Championship
Bam Bam Bigelow vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
Herb comes out to present the championship belt and Bam Bam is like 'I just wanna fight - get the fuck outta here, Herb'.

I'm still baffled as to how Williams can be a heel since the start of this company and then you try to switch it to Bigelow at the last minute. Both men get cut open at the start. How? They were only taking clotheslines. Bigelow hits his top rope splash, but celebrates too quickly like a dork, so of course 'Dr. Death' kicks out and starts his comeback.

Winner = 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams via powerslam

Herb runs in to present 'Dr. Death' with his new fancy belt. So can 'Mr. Wonderful' at least be the first challenger, so they can finally put an end to their feud properly?

Herb asks 'Dr. Death' what he has to say and it's just a bunch of horseshit that I can't understand. Herb throws out the challenge to all the champions "across the USA, Japan and Tokyo".

Brian Ricco now interviews 'Dr. Death' backstage. "I'm in a lot of pain right now, but that pain has all gone away" - so you're not actually in any pain, then? He wants to wrestle against bouncers and track-athletes - you know, not pro-wrestlers.

Craig thinks 'Dr. Death' is "the dictionary definition of pride'. Bruno thinks he could beat anyone in the world. Herb thinks he's already lost too much money and turns the lights out.

Then we get a recap of all the results, which actually takes longer than some of the matches.

Thoughts:

• If you call your event (The?) Beach Brawl, do some beach decorations. Throw up a fake palm tree, give me some sand or a beach ball or something. Don't make your event look like a low-budget midnight punk rock concert.
• Seeing that tiny crowd actually had me feeling sorry for Herb.
• The main event was pretty good. The 'Legends Match' was also not so bad - I'm glad they kept it short. But the rest of the show was either 'meh' or garbage or...
• A double fucking countout in a street fight after one guy doesn't show. Holy Sheet.