5 April 2009
Reliant Stadium
Houston, Texas - USA
Attendance: 72,744
Commentators: Jim Ross, Michael Cole & Jerry 'the King' Lawler
My thoughts before this viewing:
I did watch this show! It was the first WWE show I had watched since WrestleMania XX and I really wish I hadn't bothered, because then I probably wouldn't be doing this stupid marathon right now. And for that alone I must hate this show forever. I remember it mostly for how overrated most of it was, so let's see if I rate this mean in two-thousand-fifteen...
Oh, and they have promoted this as the "25th Anniversary of WrestleMania". It isn't - it is the 24th. Apparently NO ONE in WWE can work a fucking calculator. You probably can't even begin to understand how much this bothered me throughout the entire show.
Opening Video
A lot of wrestlers tell us their favourite WrestleMania moment. CM Punk wins by saying Bret Hart vs Owen Hart. The others have very stupid opinions on what was good.
4/10
America the Beautiful
Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls is here to sing badly for us, accompanied by images of eagles, old people and jet fighters! 'Murica!!! It is all-round awful.
3/10
Opening Match
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
CM Punk vs Mark Henry vs MVP vs Finlay vs Shelton Benjamin vs Kofi Kingston vs Christian vs Kane
Every year someone walks under a ladder and every year the commentators make it into a big deal... and then forget all about it. Shelton Benjamin is still a crazy son-of-a-gun.
Hornswoggle does one of those 'hey look how fake pro-wrestling is!' moments by taking out 5 guys with his incredible body mass that even I could withstand.
Never try crowd-surfing if WWE wrestlers are in the audience.Jerry Lawler says his sons are like Hornswoggle. No wonder they hate him. Doesn't look like anyone died this year, despite all the serious botches.
Winner = CM Punk via more ladder things
5/10
Fax Axxess
Obviously this is happening while Linda McMahon is running for Senator or whatever she was trying to be, because they use this entire segment to tell you about all the wonderful charities WrestleMania helps. Bull shit.
Musical Performance
Kid Rock is here wearing hipster glasses and changing lyrics in his popular song 'Bawitdaba' from "love someone" to "kill someone". Probably not a wise choice when this company is trying all it can to erase Chris Benoit from ever existing. Apparently this is no longer WrestleMania and is a Kid Rock concert because this goes on forever.
1/10
'Miss WrestleMania' 25 Diva Battle Royal
I don't think I could even tell you who half of these women are. And I don't think could care about 2 halves of what happens. Except that Santino Marella is dressed as a woman.
Winner = Santino Marella dressed as his twin sister
-1/10
Video Package
Micky Rourke made a movie called The Wrestler. It was terrible, but a lot of wrestlers liked it. Chris Jericho agreed with me so is going to beat them up for liking it?
3/10
3-on-1 Handicap Elimination Match
'Rowdy' Roddy Piper, Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka & Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat vs Chris Jericho
Mickey Rourke is ringside, looking completely unenthusiastic towards either the match or the douchebags he is sitting near.
Three old dudes that look like crap and a clown that is annoying as crap? I just can't...
Winner = Chris Jericho via not being an old zombie
2/10
Chris Jericho isn't finished beating up old people so takes out Ric Flair before calling out Micky Rourke, who is actually sitting with Frank Shamrock of all people. I wonder why Jericho isn't calling him out instead... Anyway, Rourke gets in the ring and punches Jericho in the head because getting beat up by an actor is always a great way to make a wrestler look tough.
Video Package
Matt Hardy did lots of bad things to his brother, Jeff. Say it isn't so! At least Matt can admit his career is garbage.
2/10
Extreme Rules Match
Jeff Hardy vs Matt Hardy
Oh look - a hardcore match with a different name!
Matt Hardy stole a pirate's jacket.
The commentators say this is the most serious family feud in the history of professional wrestling. I don't know, Kane locked his brother in a coffin and burned it to the ground, thinking he was inside. Call me when the Hardys can shoot lightning bolts at each other.
Winner = Matt Hardy via pinfall following a twist of fate onto a chair
6/10
Jim Ross is angry that Matt ruined Jeff's WrestleMania moment. I know! How dare he try to win a wrestling match at WrestleMania!
Intercontinental Championship
Rey Mysterio vs JBL
Rey is doing his best 'Heath Ledger's Joker' impersonation, which is average.
Luckily his 'give JBL an ass kicking in 20 seconds' impersonation is spot on.
Winner = Rey Mysterio via pinfall following stuff that totally didn't kill Perro Aguayo Jr, stupid internet
New Champion!
4/10
JBL is sad face and quits. If only he would quit commentary as well.
Video Package
Shawn Michaels uses lots of ridiculous religion imagery to say he will beat the Undertaker, proving once and for all that christians are stupid.
7/10
Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels
The Undertaker is now 16-0 at WrestleMania. Jerry Lawler claims there are a lot of signs that 16-1. Lies. I haven't seen any, though I've seen many that say 17-0. Then they all say that Shawn Michaels is a winner. I'm pretty sure he's barely won 50% of his WrestleMania matches and that percentage is going to be worse after this match. According to Michael Cole, Ric Flair taught Michaels the figure 4 leglock. So he never used it before Flair joined WWE in 2001? But then Michaels didn't return to wrestling until 2002 or something, so I guess that means if I watch a match from the 90's he would never have used it? Sure, I believe you. Fucking morons. This match really shows how bald Shawn Michaels is under that long hair. I'm guessing the DVD was eventually digitally corrected to make sure he had a full head of hair (in 2008 he had a picture on the WWE taken down and then replaced with a photoshopped version because it originally showed how bald he is under the long hair. It was hilarious. Obviously he doesn't consider vanity a sin, so he should make sure he doesn't watch that movie about the 7 deadly sins. I think it is called 'Bride Wars').
Winner = Undertaker via pinfall following 2 tombstone piledrivers because that's how Shawn Michaels rolls
7/10
Video Package
Vickie Guerrero is cheating on Edge with Big Show. And John Cena is the host of the Jerry Springer show?
2/10
World Heavyweight Championship
John Cena vs Big Show vs Edge (c)
200 guys dressed as John Cena come out and do the 'you can't see me' thing. One John Cena is enough, thanks.
Winner = John Cena via pin following being John Cena
5/10
For awesome, John Cena poses with some haters.
Hall of Fame class of 2009 dudes, 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin went in. He rips off his suit and has beers in the ring for about 10 minutes. At the same time, WWE are supposed to be offering help to any former stars with substance abuse problems.
Video Package
Randy Orton has hated Triple H since 2004 so he waited until now beat up all the McMahon family. That's the best he could plan over the last 5 years? Beat up Triple H's in-laws after winning the Royal Rumble?
3/10
WWE Championship
Triple H (c) vs Randy Orton
This is a one-sided ass kicking if ever I saw one. Complete with obligatory referee getting knocked out spot. This was a shitty 5-year plan, Randy Orton.
Winner = Triple H via pinfall following complete castration of Randy Orton
3/10
And just to reiterate that he has taken Orton's manhood, the H bomb poses over Orton's lifeless body to send us out.
WrestleMania XXV: The Awards
Reliant Stadium
Houston, Texas - USA
Attendance: 72,744
Commentators: Jim Ross, Michael Cole & Jerry 'the King' Lawler
My thoughts before this viewing:
I did watch this show! It was the first WWE show I had watched since WrestleMania XX and I really wish I hadn't bothered, because then I probably wouldn't be doing this stupid marathon right now. And for that alone I must hate this show forever. I remember it mostly for how overrated most of it was, so let's see if I rate this mean in two-thousand-fifteen...
Oh, and they have promoted this as the "25th Anniversary of WrestleMania". It isn't - it is the 24th. Apparently NO ONE in WWE can work a fucking calculator. You probably can't even begin to understand how much this bothered me throughout the entire show.
Opening Video
A lot of wrestlers tell us their favourite WrestleMania moment. CM Punk wins by saying Bret Hart vs Owen Hart. The others have very stupid opinions on what was good.
4/10
America the Beautiful
Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls is here to sing badly for us, accompanied by images of eagles, old people and jet fighters! 'Murica!!! It is all-round awful.
3/10
Opening Match
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
CM Punk vs Mark Henry vs MVP vs Finlay vs Shelton Benjamin vs Kofi Kingston vs Christian vs Kane
Every year someone walks under a ladder and every year the commentators make it into a big deal... and then forget all about it. Shelton Benjamin is still a crazy son-of-a-gun.
Winner = CM Punk via more ladder things
5/10
Fax Axxess
Obviously this is happening while Linda McMahon is running for Senator or whatever she was trying to be, because they use this entire segment to tell you about all the wonderful charities WrestleMania helps. Bull shit.
Musical Performance
Kid Rock is here wearing hipster glasses and changing lyrics in his popular song 'Bawitdaba' from "love someone" to "kill someone". Probably not a wise choice when this company is trying all it can to erase Chris Benoit from ever existing. Apparently this is no longer WrestleMania and is a Kid Rock concert because this goes on forever.
1/10
'Miss WrestleMania' 25 Diva Battle Royal
I don't think I could even tell you who half of these women are. And I don't think could care about 2 halves of what happens. Except that Santino Marella is dressed as a woman.
Winner = Santino Marella dressed as his twin sister
-1/10
Video Package
Micky Rourke made a movie called The Wrestler. It was terrible, but a lot of wrestlers liked it. Chris Jericho agreed with me so is going to beat them up for liking it?
3/10
3-on-1 Handicap Elimination Match
'Rowdy' Roddy Piper, Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka & Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat vs Chris Jericho
Mickey Rourke is ringside, looking completely unenthusiastic towards either the match or the douchebags he is sitting near.
Winner = Chris Jericho via not being an old zombie
2/10
Chris Jericho isn't finished beating up old people so takes out Ric Flair before calling out Micky Rourke, who is actually sitting with Frank Shamrock of all people. I wonder why Jericho isn't calling him out instead... Anyway, Rourke gets in the ring and punches Jericho in the head because getting beat up by an actor is always a great way to make a wrestler look tough.
Video Package
Matt Hardy did lots of bad things to his brother, Jeff. Say it isn't so! At least Matt can admit his career is garbage.
2/10
Extreme Rules Match
Jeff Hardy vs Matt Hardy
Oh look - a hardcore match with a different name!
Matt Hardy stole a pirate's jacket.
Winner = Matt Hardy via pinfall following a twist of fate onto a chair
6/10
Jim Ross is angry that Matt ruined Jeff's WrestleMania moment. I know! How dare he try to win a wrestling match at WrestleMania!
Intercontinental Championship
Rey Mysterio vs JBL
Rey is doing his best 'Heath Ledger's Joker' impersonation, which is average.
Winner = Rey Mysterio via pinfall following stuff that totally didn't kill Perro Aguayo Jr, stupid internet
New Champion!
4/10
JBL is sad face and quits. If only he would quit commentary as well.
Video Package
Shawn Michaels uses lots of ridiculous religion imagery to say he will beat the Undertaker, proving once and for all that christians are stupid.
7/10
Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels
The Undertaker is now 16-0 at WrestleMania. Jerry Lawler claims there are a lot of signs that 16-1. Lies. I haven't seen any, though I've seen many that say 17-0. Then they all say that Shawn Michaels is a winner. I'm pretty sure he's barely won 50% of his WrestleMania matches and that percentage is going to be worse after this match. According to Michael Cole, Ric Flair taught Michaels the figure 4 leglock. So he never used it before Flair joined WWE in 2001? But then Michaels didn't return to wrestling until 2002 or something, so I guess that means if I watch a match from the 90's he would never have used it? Sure, I believe you. Fucking morons. This match really shows how bald Shawn Michaels is under that long hair. I'm guessing the DVD was eventually digitally corrected to make sure he had a full head of hair (in 2008 he had a picture on the WWE taken down and then replaced with a photoshopped version because it originally showed how bald he is under the long hair. It was hilarious. Obviously he doesn't consider vanity a sin, so he should make sure he doesn't watch that movie about the 7 deadly sins. I think it is called 'Bride Wars').
Winner = Undertaker via pinfall following 2 tombstone piledrivers because that's how Shawn Michaels rolls
7/10
Video Package
Vickie Guerrero is cheating on Edge with Big Show. And John Cena is the host of the Jerry Springer show?
2/10
World Heavyweight Championship
John Cena vs Big Show vs Edge (c)
200 guys dressed as John Cena come out and do the 'you can't see me' thing. One John Cena is enough, thanks.
Winner = John Cena via pin following being John Cena
5/10
For awesome, John Cena poses with some haters.
Hall of Fame class of 2009 dudes, 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin went in. He rips off his suit and has beers in the ring for about 10 minutes. At the same time, WWE are supposed to be offering help to any former stars with substance abuse problems.
Video Package
Randy Orton has hated Triple H since 2004 so he waited until now beat up all the McMahon family. That's the best he could plan over the last 5 years? Beat up Triple H's in-laws after winning the Royal Rumble?
3/10
WWE Championship
Triple H (c) vs Randy Orton
This is a one-sided ass kicking if ever I saw one. Complete with obligatory referee getting knocked out spot. This was a shitty 5-year plan, Randy Orton.
Winner = Triple H via pinfall following complete castration of Randy Orton
3/10
And just to reiterate that he has taken Orton's manhood, the H bomb poses over Orton's lifeless body to send us out.
WrestleMania XXV: The Awards
- Best Match
The Undertaker vs Shawn Michaels
Not as amazing as people like to think, but there wasn't anything special about anything on this show. - Worst Match
25 Diva Battle Royal
Just a clusterfuck of nonsense and then a dude in a dress won. I actually pity some of these women. - Highlight of the Show
Seeing Frank Shamrock ringside at a WWE show, when he obviously was only there as Mickey Rourke's bodyguard and he would most likely seriously hurt anyone that was wrestling tonight. - Lowlight of the Show
Having to sit through a Kid Rock concert. - Star of the Show
Who knows - 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin? His beer drinking went down well with the crowd. - Best Celebrity Appearance
Mickey Rourke. He should punch Chris Jericho in the face more often. - Worst Celebrity Appearance
Kid Rock. He is not a kid and he does not rock. - Tonight's Meal
Tonight was carrot hummus with kale, cucumber, red onion, capsicum, tomato and avocado with falafel and topped with garlic & yoghurt and sweet chilli sauces. I had 7-Up to drink tonight, as I wanted to try a day without caffeine again. The Reeses' Chips Ahoy was darn delicious. - T-Shirt Cleanliness
More stains tonight. Luckily, they were on the side that hasn't looked as bad so things are getting more symmetrical now. - Overall Score
Just a boring show. I could barely muster up any interest in anything that was happening. The whole '25th Anniversary' thing annoyed the crap out of me, though. At least this time next week I will be eating something different and watching something that isn't WrestleMania. My, how I long for that time. It will be a magical time. Can it not be that time now?
4 out of 10
No comments:
Post a Comment