6 April 2014
Mercedes-Benz Superdome
New Orleans, Louisiana - USA
Attendance: 75,167
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry 'the King' Lawler & JBL
My thoughts before this viewing:
I remember this being similar to the previous WrestleMania; two long matches (one involving Triple H, of course) and a few short filler matches to make up the four hours. Except this time there wasn't an awesome Undertaker match to distract for the boring. Because I am playing on expert level, I will sit through the tiresome two-hour preshow as well - that will take this evening's viewing to six hours. Wow, this show better be better than I remember...
Opening Video Package
History of WrestleMania... and a wrestlers mardi gras? Sure, why not. Let Layla earn some beads...
6/10
In The Ring
Tonight's host is Hulk Hogan - does that make him the new Triple H? Host Hulk Hogan? It doesn't matter what you want to call him; he thinks this is 1987 and forgets he is in the Superdome, calling it the Silverdome. Twice. So 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin comes out to make fun of him. Austin himself seems to think Hogan main evented WrestleMania X. Not unless he put on a giant fat suit or secretly became the greatest wrestler in the history of forever. So The Rock comes out because he realises he can't make silly mistakes like these guys and wants to join in on the fun. Give it up now, WrestleMania XXX - you've already peaked.
10/10
Video Package
Daniel Bryan has no personality and is just a "B+ player", so he can't be the face of WWE. He looked so much better without the beard and with shorter hair. Silly hippy.
8/10
Opening Match
Winner will be added to the main event
Daniel Bryan vs Triple H
Stephanie McMahon is dressed like a magician's assistant.
Maybe she could perform an illusion to make the H bomb disappear? No such luck - he is out again on his throne and wearing some ridiculous costume like he is Skeletor in He-Man of the Year 5000 like he thinks this is the main event already.
Seriously, dude, you aren't in a death metal band. And you are not cool. Jerry Lawler accuses JBL of drinking "milk from forgetful cows". Seriously. Stephanie seems to have upped her dose of annoying pills today. And the H bomb is stealing moves from Chris Benoit because he idolises killers? Or he is just a douche that is going to rob from the guy because he was a better wrestler and has now been removed from WWE history as much as possible. Yeah, most likely that one.
Winner = Daniel Bryan via pinfall following knee to the face
8/10
Triple H beats up Daniel Bryan after the match because he's seen every WrestleMania like me and knows that is what makes a great hero. Except the crowd boo him - they must be new to this.
The Shield vs The New Age Outlaws & Kane
The New Age Outlaws are old. So is Kane, who has lost his mask and hair again. He is also now wearing business pants to the ring. He looks stupid. And old. The Shield powerbomb the Outlaws at the same time and JBL calls it "a Century of powerbombs" because that is the combined age of the Outlaws. That's actually funny, JBL. You have made now made one humorous quip in all the WrestleManias you have appeared at. I look forward to your second one at WrestleMania 53.
Winners = The Shield via pinfall following powerbomb thing
8/10
Backstage
All the old timers and playing with toys, so The Million Dollar Man buys them all. He has the Million Dollar belt again - did he beat Steve Austin and get it back? Why wasn't that match on this show?
1/10
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
This is a grand collection of people I didn't even realise still work here. Cesaro owns this by eliminating everyone that matters in an entertaining fashion.
Winner = Cesaro via eliminating people
6/10
WWE now has a French commentary table. I wonder how long before that gets destroyed?
Video Package
John Cena's legacy is on the line. Does that make sense? Is it some kind of stipulation, where if Bray Wyatt wins he gets to own John Cena's legacy and sell it on ebay or paint it a different colour? I'd give it to my cats to play with.
7/10
John Cena vs Bray Wyatt
Bray Wyatt gets a 'Triple H' level entrance, complete with some weird dancer and then some crappy band mostly lip-syncing his theme song. It is long and boring. But not as long and boring as the match.
Winner = John Cena via pinfall following attitude adjustment
3/10
Hall of Fame highlights. They skip the part where they cut of Mr. T's speech. Rude jerks!
Now this year's inductees are introduced on stage. Paul Bearer's sons are as fat as he was. Ultimate Warrior looks emotional; he would actually pass away the next evening. Weird how the world works...
Video Package
'The Streak' is unbeatable. But Brock Lesnar is a merciless beast. And Paul Heyman is so awesome.
10/10
Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar
Undertaker now claims 21 men have fallen in the streak - it is now actually 18. Beating the H bomb a total of 3 times does not equal 3 different men. Between this and the constant claims of WrestleMania starting 30 years ago, WWE would be well served to spend less on pyro and hire a math tutor. The Undertaker is also known as The Dead Man, but he is the healthiest looking dead man possible. Is his coffin a tanning bed?
Winner = Brock Lesnar via pinfall following a third F-5
The crowd were counting along with the pin thinking it was a nearfall and when it hit the 3, no one counted along. It was replaced with a huge gasp.
6/10
The crowd look like their entire worlds have come crumbling down.
Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational
This is one pin to a finish, so I guess it isn't going to be a 40 minute epic then...
AJ Lee should be happy - she is the only other champion to actually make the show. Pretty sad fact that there are six championships in this company and this is second most important. The Bella Twins can't even double team without looking completely terrible. The commentators care more about people crying on twitter about The Undertaker losing than this match. Imagine that.
Winner = AJ Lee via octopus submission thing
2/10
Backstage
'Mean' Gene Okerlund is enjoying the show! He is joined by the least active host since Kim Kardashian, Hulk Hogan. 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff come in and complain about the main event of the first WrestleMania. Orndorff looks like he's from the wild west with the greatest moustache since the Iron Sheik. Mr. T pities these fools and they all decide to shake hands and bury the hatchet. Dammit! I was hoping for a rematch.
5/10
Bruno Sammartino is here!
And so is Bret 'Hitman' Hart!
Can I please sit with them???
Musical Performance
The shitty band that play Randy Orton's theme are here and the veins in the singer's forehead are bulging like this sucking takes a lot of effort. Even Randy Orton looks unimpressed with their suckitude.
3/10
WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Oh yeah, there is only one belt now. Well, there are two but they are combined. It makes no sense. At least there are no longer two champions.
Daniel Bryan vs Batista vs Randy Orton (c)
This is filled with so much screwy nonsense you'd think we were back at WrestleMania XV. Remember that? I still have nightmares about it. One day I might watch it again as a form of punishment for not clocking Super Mario Bros. 3. Triple H must have realised he wasn't in the main event so had to come out and get involved, bringing with him a crooked referee and his trusty sledgehammer. But Daniel Bryan overcomes it all to finally get his special moment he has fought for his entire career and the fans have demanded for about a year. And it's probably good he won because after The Undertaker's loss, if Bryan had lost as well there may have been a mass suicide in New Orleans. And then this WWE network would have been screwed and WWE would be ruined.
Curses, WWE! Why didn't you just go with your original plan!!!
Winner = Daniel Bryan via submission on Batista
New Champion!
8/10
Daniel Bryan celebrates while his theme plays on a continuous loop to send us out.
WrestleMania XXX: The Awards
Mercedes-Benz Superdome
New Orleans, Louisiana - USA
Attendance: 75,167
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry 'the King' Lawler & JBL
My thoughts before this viewing:
I remember this being similar to the previous WrestleMania; two long matches (one involving Triple H, of course) and a few short filler matches to make up the four hours. Except this time there wasn't an awesome Undertaker match to distract for the boring. Because I am playing on expert level, I will sit through the tiresome two-hour preshow as well - that will take this evening's viewing to six hours. Wow, this show better be better than I remember...
Opening Video Package
History of WrestleMania... and a wrestlers mardi gras? Sure, why not. Let Layla earn some beads...
6/10
In The Ring
Tonight's host is Hulk Hogan - does that make him the new Triple H? Host Hulk Hogan? It doesn't matter what you want to call him; he thinks this is 1987 and forgets he is in the Superdome, calling it the Silverdome. Twice. So 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin comes out to make fun of him. Austin himself seems to think Hogan main evented WrestleMania X. Not unless he put on a giant fat suit or secretly became the greatest wrestler in the history of forever. So The Rock comes out because he realises he can't make silly mistakes like these guys and wants to join in on the fun. Give it up now, WrestleMania XXX - you've already peaked.
10/10
Video Package
Daniel Bryan has no personality and is just a "B+ player", so he can't be the face of WWE. He looked so much better without the beard and with shorter hair. Silly hippy.
8/10
Opening Match
Winner will be added to the main event
Daniel Bryan vs Triple H
Stephanie McMahon is dressed like a magician's assistant.
Winner = Daniel Bryan via pinfall following knee to the face
8/10
Triple H beats up Daniel Bryan after the match because he's seen every WrestleMania like me and knows that is what makes a great hero. Except the crowd boo him - they must be new to this.
The Shield vs The New Age Outlaws & Kane
The New Age Outlaws are old. So is Kane, who has lost his mask and hair again. He is also now wearing business pants to the ring. He looks stupid. And old. The Shield powerbomb the Outlaws at the same time and JBL calls it "a Century of powerbombs" because that is the combined age of the Outlaws. That's actually funny, JBL. You have made now made one humorous quip in all the WrestleManias you have appeared at. I look forward to your second one at WrestleMania 53.
Winners = The Shield via pinfall following powerbomb thing
8/10
Backstage
All the old timers and playing with toys, so The Million Dollar Man buys them all. He has the Million Dollar belt again - did he beat Steve Austin and get it back? Why wasn't that match on this show?
1/10
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
This is a grand collection of people I didn't even realise still work here. Cesaro owns this by eliminating everyone that matters in an entertaining fashion.
6/10
WWE now has a French commentary table. I wonder how long before that gets destroyed?
Video Package
John Cena's legacy is on the line. Does that make sense? Is it some kind of stipulation, where if Bray Wyatt wins he gets to own John Cena's legacy and sell it on ebay or paint it a different colour? I'd give it to my cats to play with.
7/10
John Cena vs Bray Wyatt
Bray Wyatt gets a 'Triple H' level entrance, complete with some weird dancer and then some crappy band mostly lip-syncing his theme song. It is long and boring. But not as long and boring as the match.
Winner = John Cena via pinfall following attitude adjustment
3/10
Hall of Fame highlights. They skip the part where they cut of Mr. T's speech. Rude jerks!
Now this year's inductees are introduced on stage. Paul Bearer's sons are as fat as he was. Ultimate Warrior looks emotional; he would actually pass away the next evening. Weird how the world works...
Video Package
'The Streak' is unbeatable. But Brock Lesnar is a merciless beast. And Paul Heyman is so awesome.
10/10
Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar
Undertaker now claims 21 men have fallen in the streak - it is now actually 18. Beating the H bomb a total of 3 times does not equal 3 different men. Between this and the constant claims of WrestleMania starting 30 years ago, WWE would be well served to spend less on pyro and hire a math tutor. The Undertaker is also known as The Dead Man, but he is the healthiest looking dead man possible. Is his coffin a tanning bed?
Winner = Brock Lesnar via pinfall following a third F-5
The crowd were counting along with the pin thinking it was a nearfall and when it hit the 3, no one counted along. It was replaced with a huge gasp.
6/10
The crowd look like their entire worlds have come crumbling down.
Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational
This is one pin to a finish, so I guess it isn't going to be a 40 minute epic then...
AJ Lee should be happy - she is the only other champion to actually make the show. Pretty sad fact that there are six championships in this company and this is second most important. The Bella Twins can't even double team without looking completely terrible. The commentators care more about people crying on twitter about The Undertaker losing than this match. Imagine that.
Winner = AJ Lee via octopus submission thing
2/10
Backstage
'Mean' Gene Okerlund is enjoying the show! He is joined by the least active host since Kim Kardashian, Hulk Hogan. 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff come in and complain about the main event of the first WrestleMania. Orndorff looks like he's from the wild west with the greatest moustache since the Iron Sheik. Mr. T pities these fools and they all decide to shake hands and bury the hatchet. Dammit! I was hoping for a rematch.
5/10
Bruno Sammartino is here!
Musical Performance
The shitty band that play Randy Orton's theme are here and the veins in the singer's forehead are bulging like this sucking takes a lot of effort. Even Randy Orton looks unimpressed with their suckitude.
3/10
WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Oh yeah, there is only one belt now. Well, there are two but they are combined. It makes no sense. At least there are no longer two champions.
Daniel Bryan vs Batista vs Randy Orton (c)
This is filled with so much screwy nonsense you'd think we were back at WrestleMania XV. Remember that? I still have nightmares about it. One day I might watch it again as a form of punishment for not clocking Super Mario Bros. 3. Triple H must have realised he wasn't in the main event so had to come out and get involved, bringing with him a crooked referee and his trusty sledgehammer. But Daniel Bryan overcomes it all to finally get his special moment he has fought for his entire career and the fans have demanded for about a year. And it's probably good he won because after The Undertaker's loss, if Bryan had lost as well there may have been a mass suicide in New Orleans. And then this WWE network would have been screwed and WWE would be ruined.
Curses, WWE! Why didn't you just go with your original plan!!!
Winner = Daniel Bryan via submission on Batista
New Champion!
8/10
Daniel Bryan celebrates while his theme plays on a continuous loop to send us out.
WrestleMania XXX: The Awards
- Best Match
Daniel Bryan vs Batista vs Randy Orton
I really didn't think they would actually go through with having Daniel Bryan win, and I like to be surprised. - Worst Match
Vickie Guerrero Invitational for the Divas Championship
There were 14 women involved and the name of the match was stupid enough. We've come a long way from the first WrestleMania, when Cyndi Lauper and Wendi Richter actually entertained me. - Highlight of the Show
The complete devastation rippling through the crowd when The Undertaker's WrestleMania streak was beaten. I marked out when The Rock joined 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin and Hulk Hogan in the ring, but just seeing 70,000 people in disbelief and on the verge of tears appeals to the complete bastard in me. - Lowlight of the Show
Old wrestlers playing with toys. Especially seeing Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat continue to think he is Bruce Lee. But especially seeingUncle Alan'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan shirtless in his wrestling gear. - Star of the Show
Daniel Bryan. This was his night to put on some kickass matches and finally get his reward as the champion. Shame it took CM Punk walking out and the crowd near revolting for 3 months to make this happen, but at least they got there in the end. - Best Celebrity Appearance
Mr. T. You were expecting someone else?.
- Worst Celebrity Appearance
Hugh Jackman. Notice I didn't mention him at all in this? He was supposed to be the "Social Media Ambassador" yet the only thing he did was send a tweet an hour before the show saying he was excited to be the Social Media Ambassador. He worked hard for his money.
- Tonight's Meal
Tonight I tried something different and cooked some corn fritters to add to the usual veges (hummus, spinach, kale, tomato, capsicum, red onion and cucumber) topped with fried mushrooms and sweet chilli sauce. Was good. This was a long show so Pepsi Next was well needed, though not as much as I expected. The Chips Ahoy! with Reese's peanut butter cups never get old. - T-Shirt Cleanliness
I'm on the tail end of things so I'm not even being careful anymore. Tomorrow I'll probably use it as a napkin - though that might make my face dirtier. - Overall Score
Good show! Certainly better than I originally thought, though still a poor balance of things. Only two title matches, and that John Cena/Bray Wyatt match should have been a day shorter so they could have added something fun or given The Shield a few more minutes. Or even new opponents, because they brilliantly stuck them with the oldest guys possible. It didn't hurt them, I guess - you'll see that tomorrow. But if you don't end this show with a smile on your face then you obviously have no soul. Or are Triple H. In which case my original argument still stands.
6 out of 10
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