UWF Fury Hour: Episode 2

UWF Fury Hour Episode 2, 8th October 1990

Herb Abrams and Bruno Sammartino are back - apparently the first episode was "wild and wooly". There are some known names on today's show, and Billy Jack Haynes in the main event!

"The Unpredictable" Cactus Jack vs Davey Meltzer
Davey Meltzer may be the best gimmick ever. Cactus Jack bites people so Bruno thinks he needs to change his meal times. Cactus Jack leaps off the ring apron to the floor to deliver a flying elbow drop... but the quality production team totally miss it.

Winner = Cactus Jack via pinfall

Dan Spivey is so weird he kills the video feed.

'Dangerous' Dan Spivey vs Scott Cole
Im fresh off Dan Spivey being WCW, disappearing (I'm guessing to appear in the UWF) and he's just returned to WCW in November. So this is odd.

Winner = Dan Spivey via powerbomb squashtimes

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs The Black Knight
Herb and Bruno have no idea who the black knight is. I love how much they care about the product they are presenting. I'm also fresh off Ordorff coming to WCW for a quick holiday and then leaving to join the UWF. Herb makes fun of The Black Knight for being fat and I'm like dude, look at you - you're Herb Abrams! The Black Knight botches hilariosly and i'm like ok dude, you're The Black Knight - let's make fun of you!

Winner - Paul Orndorff via piledriver

How does 'Mr. Wonderful' look so much older here than he did a few months earlier in WCW? 

B. Brian Blair shills the UWF merch again.

Captain Lou Albano cuts a promo with the most blatant cue card reading ever.

Billy Jack Haynes cuts a promo and I still can't believe this is the same dude that looked like a total badass a few years ago. It was only months for me!

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams vs Larry Jobberdude
I do enjoy how much respect the jobbers gets here in the UWF; there is very little effort to let you know their names - it's just 'here is a body for a big old guy to beat up'. And boy howdy does Dr. Death beat this body. Even with a top tope move.

Winner = Steve Williams via boredom

The ads on this show are so completely hilariously bad compared to what I've been seeing on WCW.

Colonel DeBeers wants respect for South Africa. He calls Billy Jack Haynes "Billy JERK Haynes" Ooooh!!!

David Sammartino vs Houdini
Sammartino comes out to Poison by Bel Biv Devoe. The match hasn't even started and already "the crowd" are chanting "BORING", but Bruno is a true pro and continues to call this like it's a normal wrestling match. Except for when David makes a mistake that leads to him getting beaten up by his opponent - then Bruno gets all Dad on him and is all "Well, he deserved that".

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-four leglock

Holy shit these matches are going quickly today.

Captain Lou's Corner
Dan Spivey is a great pro-wrestler? Captain Lou won't even look at him and they then get into a big discussion as to whether or not being tall is an advantage for a pro-wrestler.
What?
Captain Lou asks Spivey why he attacked B. Brian Blair. Dude, I saw the press conference - Blair was talking a bunch of smack and brought it on himself! Spivey says he wants the heavyweight title. There's a title in the UWF??

Dan Spivey cuts a solo promo and also reads cue cards.
Herb yells at me to buy his t-shirt. Who in the fuck would want a Dan Spivey t-shirt?!?

Chief Jay Strongbow wants you to support him and by proxy the Native American people (but this is 1990 so he calls them Indians).

B. Brian Blair vs Spitball Patterson
Herb is sure B. Brian Blair just sold a hundred t-shirts. Maybe if we're accumulating over the entire course of his life. Maybe. Dan Spivey comes out to the ring to watch. Herb and Bruno are very unhappy the referee is allowing him out there - Herb even wonders if he's been paid off. Spivey isn't doing anything - he's just watching the match! I mean, sure, he's tripped Blair twice, but the referee didn't see so that's not his problem! B. Brian Blair does the sharpshooter? And Herb calls it a Boston crab??

Winner = B. Brian Blair via not excellence of execution

Dan Spivey beats up B. Brian Blair after the match.

Billy Jack Haynes vs Colonel DeBeers
DeBeers comes out to Welcome to the Jungle, which until recently was also the entrance song for The Steiner Brothers. Stealing cool music from cooler guys - that's a true heel move. Holy balls, he actually just said he will not allow a black man to referee his match. The referee is changed to the usual fat white dude and Bruno is like fuck that and fuck him! Billy Jack Haynes comes out and quotes Michael Jackson, except Black or White is yet to be released so maybe he should be credited as a songwriter on that one, but apparently Colonel DeBeers has more pull backstage because they ignore Haynes' request to have the black referee come back. This match is slow and boring. Billy Jack Haynes was awesome when he was younger and jacked and just doing squash matches; instead he's now older, less jacked and doing long boring matches like this.

Draw via double count-out

Bruno is like "Billy Jack could have done better"
You'd hope so, Bruno.

Dr. Death cuts a promo running down all the other babyfaces in the company, but he's the new generation or something. Dude, I'm pretty sure you're all from the same generation of the previous decade.

Herb sends us home, telling us the main even was "unreal".
Unfortunately, it was very real.

Thoughts:

• Who thought Dan Spivey was some sort of star??
• Bah gawd this show was boring