4 April 1993
Caesar's Palace
Las Vegas, Nevada - USA
Attendance: 16,891
Commentators: Jim Ross, Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan & 'Macho Man' Randy Savage
My thoughts before this viewing:
I think I saw this show for the first time around the same time I saw VII and VIII. But this one had a bit more context for me as I had just watched the preceding Royal Rumble (that was why I decided to watch this show). There is only one match I can actually remember, and that is the main event. No wait - The Undertaker's match as well. But that's it. I can barely remember who is even on the card. The general consensus on the internet is that this is the worst WrestleMania of all time - and I disagree. I am 95% positive that there will be at least one show worse than this. But will this be the worst so far? Let's find out...
Opening Video Package
It's that same rockin' guitar and Vince is yelling. Wrestlers are projected onto the side of Caesar's Palace Casino. I guess at least the computer effects are getting a bit better?
2/10
Opening Ceremony
Instead of a national anthem or even America the Beautiful, we are treated to an extravagant opening ceremony... where Jim Ross shows off his toga:
Hangs out with some Centurions:
Gives us some history lessons on Cleopatra and Julius Caesar:
And raves about Elephants. I can't blame him on that last point - elephants are awesome.
'Macho Man' Randy Savage is brought out with a group of "virgins"
And he somehow manages to pull that 'Macho Man' look, while blending it well with ancient Roman fashion:
Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan is brought out on a camel. Backwards. Comedy!
Ladies & Gentlemen, your commentary team for tonight!
Even The Fink is getting in on the theme!
Opening Match
WWF Intercontinental Championship
Tatanka vs Shawn Michaels (c) (w/Luna Vachon)
Shawn Michaels uses the belt as a mirror. Which makes no sense, because the belt has so many indents and engravings it wouldn't give him an accurate picture of how his hair actually looks. Amateur.
Sherri is here as well but no one is sure why. Heenan and Savage are already arguing to the point of fisticuffs - this is going to be a long night. Jim Ross questions "the healing powers" of Shawn Michaels - who is he supposed to be, Jesus?
The referee calls for the bell but it never rings. Tatanka goes for a pin but the referee actually has to pull him up and calls for the bell another 10 times.
Winner = Tatanka via countout
How do you win by countout when your opponent is actually in the ring? I'm guessing they meant disqualification, but someone screwed up. Really screwed up.
7/10
Luna beats up Sherri, so I guess that went somewhere?
Backstage
'Mean' Gene Okerlund is with The Steiner Brothers! They are going to wrestle! Good thing they came to an event called WrestleMania, then.
6/10
The Steiner Brothers vs The Headshrinkers (w/Afa)
The Steiner's theme is a complete joke. And this is coming from someone totally familiar with their WCW theme - Steinerline. Macho Man promises this match will be awesome. Careful with those promises, Macho...
The Headshrinkers almost KILL Scott Steiner with a botched spot. Holy shit, I thought he was dead - one of the scariest spots I've seen in WrestleMania history.
How is it wrestlers never remember that Islanders and black dudes have super hard heads that can't be hurt? I would have thought that was like WWF 101.
Winner = The Steiner Brothers via pinfall following frankensteiner
I'm surprised no one got hur.
7/10
Call the hotline! So you can hear the same garbage promos without seeing the funny expressions.
Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with Doink the Clown. Gene is bitching Doink out for doing clown things, like pies in faces and what not. Recap of Doink beating Crush with a fake arm. That was funny. Clowns are fun. Why is he the bad guy? No wonder they call you 'Mean' Gene...
6/10
Crush vs Doink the Clown
One look at Crush's glorious mullet and I immediately regret not adding a category for best mullet.
It just hit me there are thousands of kids in the audience - how on Earth did they get into a casino?
Doink hits Crush with a piledriver and straight up drops him on his head.
Three matches in and two dudes have almost died.
A second clown arrives and beats Crush with a fake arm.
Winner = Doink the Clown via pinfall following beating with international object
3/10
Heenan claims the second clown was just an illusion because Macho Man is wearing sunglasses that have "Macho" written across them and he couldn't possibly see properly. He has a point...
In The Crowd
Todd Pettingill talks to some Japanese photographers who don't care about the Doinks - they just want to laugh at Todd. I know the feeling.
1/10
Bob Backlund vs Razor Ramon
Oh, now I get why people dislike this show...
Winner = Razor Ramon via pinfall following roll-up
1/10
For a guy whose moniker is "the bad guy", people sure cheer for him a lot.
Bobby Heenan hopes this is the first and last WrestleMania for Bob Backlund. Alas he is wrong.
Promo for a new pay-per view show - King of the Ring.
Spoiler alert: Bret Hart wins. Because he is the best!
Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with Money Inc. Gene says they are screwed and they show footage of Money Inc. trying to smash in Brutus Beefcake's face with a briefcase. Apparently Dibiase already paid some dudes to give Hulk Hogan a beat down last night - why not show us footage? Why should we miss out on the fun?
5/10
WWF Tag Team Championship
The Mega Maniacs (w/Jimmy Hart) vs Money Inc (c)
Dibiase seems to be wearing his pyjamas. Beefcake's protective mask makes him look like a luchador - which just makes him even cooler.
Hulk has a seriously bashed in eye. It doesn't look like he can even see out of that thing.
Money Inc. decide to just walk on the match - why not? It worked out great for them last year. Except this time the referee decides to change the rules and announces if they don't come back, they will lose the titles. I guess anything goes when you are fighting Hulk Hogan. Money Inc. get knocked down, but so does the referee, so Jimmy Hart pretends he is a referee and counts three to give the Mega Maniacs the win!
Then a real referee comes down and disqualifies them.
Winners = Money Inc.
Weird that another referee would care about that part but not all the cheating the bad guys were doing.
7/10
Hulk isn't phased; he and Brutus pose for the crowd while Real American plays us out.
Wait - it is just the middle of the show! This feels really weird not having Hulk Hogan on last. Hulk and Brutus find Money Inc.'s briefcase of money and give the cash out to the crowd.
I bet Brutus could really use that money nowadays...
Sorry, Brutus.
In The Crowd
Todd Pettingill is with Natalie Cole. Why on Earth didn't you idiots get her to sing instead of that opening ceremony?
Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with Mr. Perfect. He calls 'The Narcissist' Lex Luger "The Lexissist, Lark..." and just decides 'Boy I fucked that up - I'm going to the ring now.'
6/10
They are making a really big deal about Lex Luger knocking out Bret Hart at the WrestleMania brunch. I don't know, that's not how I would build up your world champion before a main event...
Mr. Perect vs'The Lexissist' 'The Narcissist' Lex Luger
Luger has an elaborate entrance. Mainly scantily clad women.
Between them and the gambling, I'm quite ready to rate this show less kid-friendly than it is in 2015.
Luger went for a pin with his feet on the ropes - and the referee actually caught it! Hogan wrestling in the middle of the show, dude's caught cheating - what weird parallel universe have I stumbled upon?
Luger goes for another pin and this time Mr. Perfect's feet are in the ropes... and the referee misses it?
Winner ='The Lexissist' 'The Narcissist' Lex Luger
4/10
Luger then knocks out Mr. Perfect. Just because.
Mr. Perfect quickly recovers and goes after Lark the Lexissist, attacking him in the garage. Shawn Michaels then decides he isn't getting enough attention and beats up on Mr. Perfect.
All this violence has Macho Man worked up and he wants to beat up Bobby Heenan.
The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs Giant Gonzalez (w/Harvey Wippleman)
Giant Gonzalez is 8 feet tall and wears a flesh bodysuit.
The Undertaker comes out on a cart with a vulture. Would have been way more impressive if this wasn't in broad daylight.
Apparently, there are people listening to the commentators on the radio. Why on Earth would you listen to pro-wrestling on the radio? In fact, why would you read about it??
Macho Man thinks Gonzalez is 10 feet tall, but Jim Ross assures him he is 8 feet tall. Heenan then claims that Gonzalez is actually 20 feet tall and Jim Ross again says 8 feet. Macho Man questions Heenan on the 20 feet and Heenan declares Giant Gonzalez 20 feet, 10 inches tall. Macho Man says that sounds believable.
Macho Man then claims The Undertaker is "from Down Under!". So Australia is Zombieland?
Gonzalez is actually losing, so he knocks out The Undertaker with some chloroform. Yes, he shoves a rag in The Undertaker's face and the commentators start ranting about how they can smell chloroform.
Winner = The Undertaker via disqualification
-1/10
The crowd chants for "Hogan!".
Careful what you wish for...
Oh wait - The Undertaker is awake and is going after Giant Gonzalez!
Macho Man: "He is living proof that he is not alive!"
Can't fault that logic.
Backstage
'Mean' Gene takes us back to show the destruction Yokozuna has performed since coming to the WWF. In comes Hulk Hogan for his opinion; he says Bret Hart is a good Hulkamaniac, so Hulk and all the Hulkamaniacs are behind him. But Hulk's not convinced even he can beat Bret Hart, so he issues a challenge to whoever wins the title. All that said, he believes Bret will win and keep the title where it belongs - in the USA!
Despite Bret Hart being Canadian and living in Canada.
7/10
In The Crowd
Todd Pettingill talks to some drunk dudes in togas.
-1/10
WWF Heavyweight Championship
Bret Hart (c) vs Yokozuna (w/Mr. Fuji)
Remember when I said that being overly fat is an underrated skill in pro-wrestling? You can't get any fatter than Yokozuna and it seems to make him indestructible.
Bret gives his shades to some kid in the front row because he has a hot mum.
The crowd chants "USA". Bret Hart is Canadian. Morons.
Bret Hart gets Yokozuna in the sharp shooter! So Mr. Fuji throws salt in his eyes. That would seem to be a deadly finisher that no one can get up from.
Winner = Yokozuna via pinfall following salt in the eyes
New Champion!
7/10
Seriously, he didn't even need to do anything after the salt in the eyes - it's like it completely paralysed and knocked out Bret Hart at the same time.
Fuck you, Mr. Fuji. Bret Hart was robbed! So a referee can come down and disqualify the Mega Maniacs for pretending to have a referee but no one can come down and disqualify Yokozuna for cheating?
Hulk Hogan comes down to help the Hitman, but Mr. Fuji then challenges Hulk Hogan to face Yokozuna - right now!
WWF Heavyweight Championship
Hulk Hogan vs Yokozuna (c) (w/Mr. Fuji)
Mr. Fuji tries to throw the salt in Hulk's eyes, but gets Yokozuna instead.
Leg drop of doom!
Winner = Hulk Hogan
New Champion (again)!
1/10
Yokozuna was champion for a grand total of 2 minutes and 6 seconds.
And Bret Hart is completely forgotten about.
Fuck you all.
One more time, you know the drill!
Real American and posing to send us out...
WrestleMania IX: The Awards
Caesar's Palace
Las Vegas, Nevada - USA
Attendance: 16,891
Commentators: Jim Ross, Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan & 'Macho Man' Randy Savage
My thoughts before this viewing:
I think I saw this show for the first time around the same time I saw VII and VIII. But this one had a bit more context for me as I had just watched the preceding Royal Rumble (that was why I decided to watch this show). There is only one match I can actually remember, and that is the main event. No wait - The Undertaker's match as well. But that's it. I can barely remember who is even on the card. The general consensus on the internet is that this is the worst WrestleMania of all time - and I disagree. I am 95% positive that there will be at least one show worse than this. But will this be the worst so far? Let's find out...
Opening Video Package
It's that same rockin' guitar and Vince is yelling. Wrestlers are projected onto the side of Caesar's Palace Casino. I guess at least the computer effects are getting a bit better?
2/10
Opening Ceremony
Instead of a national anthem or even America the Beautiful, we are treated to an extravagant opening ceremony... where Jim Ross shows off his toga:
Hangs out with some Centurions:
Gives us some history lessons on Cleopatra and Julius Caesar:
And raves about Elephants. I can't blame him on that last point - elephants are awesome.
'Macho Man' Randy Savage is brought out with a group of "virgins"
And he somehow manages to pull that 'Macho Man' look, while blending it well with ancient Roman fashion:
Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan is brought out on a camel. Backwards. Comedy!
Ladies & Gentlemen, your commentary team for tonight!
Even The Fink is getting in on the theme!
Opening Match
WWF Intercontinental Championship
Tatanka vs Shawn Michaels (c) (w/Luna Vachon)
Shawn Michaels uses the belt as a mirror. Which makes no sense, because the belt has so many indents and engravings it wouldn't give him an accurate picture of how his hair actually looks. Amateur.
Sherri is here as well but no one is sure why. Heenan and Savage are already arguing to the point of fisticuffs - this is going to be a long night. Jim Ross questions "the healing powers" of Shawn Michaels - who is he supposed to be, Jesus?
The referee calls for the bell but it never rings. Tatanka goes for a pin but the referee actually has to pull him up and calls for the bell another 10 times.
Winner = Tatanka via countout
How do you win by countout when your opponent is actually in the ring? I'm guessing they meant disqualification, but someone screwed up. Really screwed up.
7/10
Luna beats up Sherri, so I guess that went somewhere?
Backstage
'Mean' Gene Okerlund is with The Steiner Brothers! They are going to wrestle! Good thing they came to an event called WrestleMania, then.
6/10
The Steiner Brothers vs The Headshrinkers (w/Afa)
The Steiner's theme is a complete joke. And this is coming from someone totally familiar with their WCW theme - Steinerline. Macho Man promises this match will be awesome. Careful with those promises, Macho...
The Headshrinkers almost KILL Scott Steiner with a botched spot. Holy shit, I thought he was dead - one of the scariest spots I've seen in WrestleMania history.
How is it wrestlers never remember that Islanders and black dudes have super hard heads that can't be hurt? I would have thought that was like WWF 101.
Winner = The Steiner Brothers via pinfall following frankensteiner
I'm surprised no one got hur.
7/10
Call the hotline! So you can hear the same garbage promos without seeing the funny expressions.
Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with Doink the Clown. Gene is bitching Doink out for doing clown things, like pies in faces and what not. Recap of Doink beating Crush with a fake arm. That was funny. Clowns are fun. Why is he the bad guy? No wonder they call you 'Mean' Gene...
6/10
Crush vs Doink the Clown
One look at Crush's glorious mullet and I immediately regret not adding a category for best mullet.
Doink hits Crush with a piledriver and straight up drops him on his head.
Three matches in and two dudes have almost died.
A second clown arrives and beats Crush with a fake arm.
Winner = Doink the Clown via pinfall following beating with international object
3/10
Heenan claims the second clown was just an illusion because Macho Man is wearing sunglasses that have "Macho" written across them and he couldn't possibly see properly. He has a point...
In The Crowd
Todd Pettingill talks to some Japanese photographers who don't care about the Doinks - they just want to laugh at Todd. I know the feeling.
1/10
Bob Backlund vs Razor Ramon
Oh, now I get why people dislike this show...
Winner = Razor Ramon via pinfall following roll-up
1/10
For a guy whose moniker is "the bad guy", people sure cheer for him a lot.
Bobby Heenan hopes this is the first and last WrestleMania for Bob Backlund. Alas he is wrong.
Promo for a new pay-per view show - King of the Ring.
Spoiler alert: Bret Hart wins. Because he is the best!
Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with Money Inc. Gene says they are screwed and they show footage of Money Inc. trying to smash in Brutus Beefcake's face with a briefcase. Apparently Dibiase already paid some dudes to give Hulk Hogan a beat down last night - why not show us footage? Why should we miss out on the fun?
5/10
WWF Tag Team Championship
The Mega Maniacs (w/Jimmy Hart) vs Money Inc (c)
Dibiase seems to be wearing his pyjamas. Beefcake's protective mask makes him look like a luchador - which just makes him even cooler.
Hulk has a seriously bashed in eye. It doesn't look like he can even see out of that thing.
Money Inc. decide to just walk on the match - why not? It worked out great for them last year. Except this time the referee decides to change the rules and announces if they don't come back, they will lose the titles. I guess anything goes when you are fighting Hulk Hogan. Money Inc. get knocked down, but so does the referee, so Jimmy Hart pretends he is a referee and counts three to give the Mega Maniacs the win!
Then a real referee comes down and disqualifies them.
Winners = Money Inc.
Weird that another referee would care about that part but not all the cheating the bad guys were doing.
7/10
Hulk isn't phased; he and Brutus pose for the crowd while Real American plays us out.
Wait - it is just the middle of the show! This feels really weird not having Hulk Hogan on last. Hulk and Brutus find Money Inc.'s briefcase of money and give the cash out to the crowd.
I bet Brutus could really use that money nowadays...
Sorry, Brutus.
In The Crowd
Todd Pettingill is with Natalie Cole. Why on Earth didn't you idiots get her to sing instead of that opening ceremony?
Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with Mr. Perfect. He calls 'The Narcissist' Lex Luger "The Lexissist, Lark..." and just decides 'Boy I fucked that up - I'm going to the ring now.'
6/10
They are making a really big deal about Lex Luger knocking out Bret Hart at the WrestleMania brunch. I don't know, that's not how I would build up your world champion before a main event...
Mr. Perect vs
Luger has an elaborate entrance. Mainly scantily clad women.
Between them and the gambling, I'm quite ready to rate this show less kid-friendly than it is in 2015.
Luger went for a pin with his feet on the ropes - and the referee actually caught it! Hogan wrestling in the middle of the show, dude's caught cheating - what weird parallel universe have I stumbled upon?
Luger goes for another pin and this time Mr. Perfect's feet are in the ropes... and the referee misses it?
Winner =
4/10
Luger then knocks out Mr. Perfect. Just because.
Mr. Perfect quickly recovers and goes after Lark the Lexissist, attacking him in the garage. Shawn Michaels then decides he isn't getting enough attention and beats up on Mr. Perfect.
All this violence has Macho Man worked up and he wants to beat up Bobby Heenan.
The Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs Giant Gonzalez (w/Harvey Wippleman)
Giant Gonzalez is 8 feet tall and wears a flesh bodysuit.
The Undertaker comes out on a cart with a vulture. Would have been way more impressive if this wasn't in broad daylight.
Apparently, there are people listening to the commentators on the radio. Why on Earth would you listen to pro-wrestling on the radio? In fact, why would you read about it??
Macho Man thinks Gonzalez is 10 feet tall, but Jim Ross assures him he is 8 feet tall. Heenan then claims that Gonzalez is actually 20 feet tall and Jim Ross again says 8 feet. Macho Man questions Heenan on the 20 feet and Heenan declares Giant Gonzalez 20 feet, 10 inches tall. Macho Man says that sounds believable.
Macho Man then claims The Undertaker is "from Down Under!". So Australia is Zombieland?
Gonzalez is actually losing, so he knocks out The Undertaker with some chloroform. Yes, he shoves a rag in The Undertaker's face and the commentators start ranting about how they can smell chloroform.
Winner = The Undertaker via disqualification
-1/10
The crowd chants for "Hogan!".
Careful what you wish for...
Oh wait - The Undertaker is awake and is going after Giant Gonzalez!
Macho Man: "He is living proof that he is not alive!"
Can't fault that logic.
Backstage
'Mean' Gene takes us back to show the destruction Yokozuna has performed since coming to the WWF. In comes Hulk Hogan for his opinion; he says Bret Hart is a good Hulkamaniac, so Hulk and all the Hulkamaniacs are behind him. But Hulk's not convinced even he can beat Bret Hart, so he issues a challenge to whoever wins the title. All that said, he believes Bret will win and keep the title where it belongs - in the USA!
Despite Bret Hart being Canadian and living in Canada.
7/10
In The Crowd
Todd Pettingill talks to some drunk dudes in togas.
-1/10
WWF Heavyweight Championship
Bret Hart (c) vs Yokozuna (w/Mr. Fuji)
Remember when I said that being overly fat is an underrated skill in pro-wrestling? You can't get any fatter than Yokozuna and it seems to make him indestructible.
Bret gives his shades to some kid in the front row because he has a hot mum.
The crowd chants "USA". Bret Hart is Canadian. Morons.
Bret Hart gets Yokozuna in the sharp shooter! So Mr. Fuji throws salt in his eyes. That would seem to be a deadly finisher that no one can get up from.
Winner = Yokozuna via pinfall following salt in the eyes
New Champion!
7/10
Seriously, he didn't even need to do anything after the salt in the eyes - it's like it completely paralysed and knocked out Bret Hart at the same time.
Fuck you, Mr. Fuji. Bret Hart was robbed! So a referee can come down and disqualify the Mega Maniacs for pretending to have a referee but no one can come down and disqualify Yokozuna for cheating?
Hulk Hogan comes down to help the Hitman, but Mr. Fuji then challenges Hulk Hogan to face Yokozuna - right now!
WWF Heavyweight Championship
Hulk Hogan vs Yokozuna (c) (w/Mr. Fuji)
Mr. Fuji tries to throw the salt in Hulk's eyes, but gets Yokozuna instead.
Leg drop of doom!
Winner = Hulk Hogan
New Champion (again)!
1/10
Yokozuna was champion for a grand total of 2 minutes and 6 seconds.
And Bret Hart is completely forgotten about.
Fuck you all.
One more time, you know the drill!
Real American and posing to send us out...
WrestleMania IX: The Awards
- Best Match
Bret 'the Hitman' Hart vs Yokozuna
Seems odd, I'm sure - no one else would agree with me, I bet - but the excitement was just off the charts for this match. And Bret Hart is just the best in the ring. Shame about the ending, though. - Worst Match
The Undertaker vs Giant Gonzalez
You had a giant caveman or whatever he was supposed to be fighting a slow zombie. And then ended it with the zombie being poisoned. Don't get me wrong, throw in a dinosaur and you've got yourself an awesome movie, but as a wrestling match it was just sucked the kumara. - Highlight of the Show
Mr. Perfect getting tongue-tied during his promo. Fun to see such a pro completely mess things up. - Lowlight of the Show
Todd Pettingill. Especially the part with the drunk dudes in their togas - it was like he was trying to be the cool guy at some stupid spring break party. - Star of the Show
Bret 'Hitman' Hart. At least, until they completely killed him with this show. Seriously; they spent 2 hours talking about how Lex Luger knocked him out and then had him lose to Yokozuna just by having salt thrown in his eyes. Then Hulk Hogan completely pwned Yokozuna in such record time that it made Bret look like nothing. Way to go, WWF. - Best Celebrity Appearance
Natalie Cole, by default because there were none this time. And I'm not complaining. - Worst Celebrity Appearance
The guy from Caesar's Palace who spent 10 minutes with Todd Pettingill promoting how great Caesar's Palace is. - Tonight's Meal
Tonight was a lot of changes; my wrap was mix of egg plant, mushrooms, tomatoes, spring onion and capsicum with beetroot & garlic hummus and salsa, topped with sour cream. Gold star! Then I tried this new Pepsi Next - stevia based Pepsi. Delicious! Oatmeal Creme Pie was fine. All round great dinner. - T-Shirt Cleanliness
I thought it was looking OK. I was wrong. - Overall Score
This where I realise I have a completely different point of view to the internet fans. Because I loved this show! I'm going to pretend that ending didn't happen, because it was a big steaming pile of Simple Plan, but otherwise I just found the show silly and light-hearted. Sure, there was nothing overly amazing, but there was also nothing super-uber terrible. Plus, there was no bogus American patriotism at all! Except for the times people chanted USA during the Bret Hart/Yokozuna match. Bret Hart is Canadian. Yokozuna was (pretending to be) from Japan. Were they chanting for the referee? I had a great time.
5 out of 10
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