WrestleMania March Madness, Day Twenty-Two: WrestleMania XXII

2 April 2006
Allstate Arena
Rosemont, Illinois - USA

Attendance: 17,159

Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry 'the King' Lawler, Michael Cole & Tazz

My thoughts before this viewing:
I've not seen this show before so can't really offer too much in the way of thoughts. The card doesn't scream excitement, that's for sure.

America the Beautiful
Michelle Williams is here to sing for us. She is from Destiny's Child - she is the one no one ever cares about or even remembers. And it would seem there is a good reason why. Stick to backup vocals, Michelle.
3/10

Opening Video Package
Oh great, another Vince McMahon match. This really isn't looking good.
3/10

Opening Match
World Tag Team Championship
Kane & Big Show vs Carlito & Chris Masters
Well at least one tag championship match made the card this year, I guess.

Chris Masters is the master of the Full Nelson. Because this is 1989 and that is the best submission hold we can come up with. Go try that in a UFC match and see where it gets you.
Winners = Kane & Big Show via pinfall following boredom
3/10

Backstage
Coach is talking with Shawn Michaels, who yells about praying to God because he sucks at promos.
2/10

Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Matt Hardy vs Shelton Benjamin vs Finlay vs Rob Van Dam vs Bobby Lashley vs Ric Flair
More ladder match insanity featuring the baffling daredevil spots of Shelton Benjamin.

Matt Hardy injures Ric Flair, removing him from the match and making me a fan of Matt Hardy again. Oh no, Ric Flair is back - guess I'll go back to not liking Matt Hardy
Winner = Rob Van Dam
7/10

Backstage
Josh Matthews talks to Randy Orton and I am immediately bored. Batista comes in and says something. Fuck these guys.
1/10

The Hall of Fame inductees for 2006 are introduced. Bret Hart still hates WWE and decided that appearing at WrestleMania wasn't right. Good for him!

US Championship
Chris Benoit (c) vs JBL (w/Jillian Hall)
JBL mocks the late Eddie Guerrero. Fuck this guy.
Winner = JBL via cheating pin
New Champion!
3/10

I think that may have been the worst Chris Benoit match I have ever seen.
Fuck this show.

Video Package
Edge is angry with Mick Foley because Edge lost to John Cena. That makes sense.
3/10

Hardcore Match
Mick Foley vs Edge (w/Lita)
Remember when Mick Foley retired?
Joey Styles joins us on commentary and he is possibly the worst commentator of all time. Just a lot of hardcore nonsense like thumbtacks and a flaming table.

Winner = Edge via pinfall outside the ring? I didn't know that was legal
3/10

Backstage
Booker T takes his wife on a tour of all the stupidity that is WWE.
-1/10

Mixed-Tag Team Handicap Match
The Boogeyman vs Booker T & Sharmell

The Boogeyman is announced as being from "a bottomless pit" - do they even have a wrestling commission in bottomless pits? I used to jump a stack of those in Pitfall and don't remember ever seeing a Boogeyman. I used to fall in them, too. Never did manage to complete that game. Perhaps that could be added to the list...
Winner = The Boogeyman via gross
1/10

Video Package
Mickie James is Trish Stratus' crazed lesbian stalker.
8/10

WWE Women's Championship
Trish Stratus (c) vs Mickie James
Jerry Lawler compares Mickie James to Mark David Chapman - the guy that killed John Lennon. Because we haven't offended enough dead people tonight. Jim Ross calls the crowd "defiant" because they are cheering for Mickie James; dude, she is wearing a super short skirt and is portrayed as a lesbian that makes out with Trish - do you really think your predominantly male audience is going to boo that?
Winner = Mickie James via botchtastic ending
New Champion!
5/10

Jim Ross is super pissed at the crowd.

Backstage
Vince McMahon has been living in a tanning bed while eating steroid sandwiches. I would like him to die.
-4/10

Casket Match
Undertaker vs Mark Henry
Undertaker's entrance includes the druids and shit, and it looks like his magical powers may be back.

I'd care but we all know where this is going.
Winner = Undertaker via casket work
4/10

There is a pay per view where you can watch the 'divas' strip to their underwear. That is sad.

Video Package
Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels are bad dudes but Vince is annoyed because Shawn found God? Doesn't stop him from being a scum bag as well.
2/10

No Holds Barred
Shawn Michaels vs Vince McMahon
I'm guessing they put Michaels against Vince this year because they wanted him to finally get cheered at WrestleMania since his return. I will boo both men, thank you very much. There are some big "You screwed Bret!" chants - I guess those are directed towards both men?
Is every match a hardcore match now just with different ways of saying it?
Winner = Shawn Michaels via bloody beating on Vince
3/10

Video Package
Rey Mysterio won the Royal Rumble and then lost his title shot to Randy Orton. Teddy Long feels sorry for him so added him to the title match at WrestleMania anyway. Teacher's pet...
3/10

Musical Performance
P.O.D. are here to perform Rey Mysterio's theme. I thought there were sound problems but it would seem this theme originally did just have clean guitar for the first half. It's better when it rocks a bit more.
4/10

World Heavyweight Champion
Rey Mysterio vs Randy Orton vs Kurt Angle (c)
Rey comes out dressed all 'Aztec Warrior' which is kinda cool, except he is so short that it looks like a kid playing dress-up.

The commentators call the crowd "weird" because they are very clearly supporting Kurt Angle and not Rey Mysterio the way WWE want them to. That's because this crowd is smart and appreciate how awesome Kurt Angle is. He doesn't botch his moves like Mysterio.

And he doesn't win like Mysterio.
Winner = Rey Mysterio via pinfall following hurricnrana
New Champion!
8/10

Chavo and Vicki Guerrero come out because we need to exploit Eddie's death some more.
I think the belt might be bigger than Rey.

Jim Ross tries to say John Cena has main-evented 2 WrestleManias; he opened 20 and he was in the co-main event of 21 - that is hardly main-eventing both shows. Jim Ross then goes on to say John Cena was the first person to listen to hip-hop in his hometown. Well, he probably grew up in rich white suburbia during the late eighties. I doubt they were very progressive in his neighbourhood. Jim Ross continues by defending John Cena against the crowd, saying they are probably "fans of traditional pro-wrestling" and that's why they are booing him. SHUT UP, JIM ROSS!

Playboy Pillow Fight
Torrie Wilson vs Candice Michelle
Lilian Garcia fucks up both their entrances because she is the worst announcer ever. Jim Ross admits he reads Playboy and Jerry Lawler says the women look different with their clothes on.
Oh fuck this show.
Winner = Torrie Wilson via pinfall following stripping
-1/10

Video Package
Triple H still has that stupid facial hair going on. John Cena is the underdog. Get used to that over the next few shows...
3/10

WWE Championship
John Cena (c) vs Triple H
We are treated to the most outlandish and ridiculous over the top entrances possible. First, the H bomb comes out on a ludacris throne doing his best Conan the Barbarian impersonation.

Then after a video telling us how awesome the gangsters of the 1940's were, an old school car comes out and unloads CM Punk and some other goofs dressed as 'gangsters' with their tommy guns.

John Cena comes out with a gun as well.

I thought he was all about being a positive role model? I'm not sure how awful gangsters that robbed, stole, killed and strong-armed people to get their own way symbolise 'hustle, loyalty & respect'.
The H bomb goes for a low blow and I'm pretty sure he legitimately hit the referee in the balls by mistake.

Jim Ross can't remember anyone ever kicking out of John Cena's FU before - try WrestleMania XX when the Big Show did. You guys never pay attention to anything that happens. You are all stupid.
Winner - John Cena via submission
3/10

And people are like "WTF?!?"

Bahahaha people are in serious shock.
John Cena ignores them and celebrates while his rapping blares over the speakers to send us out.

WrestleMania XXII: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Kurt Angle vs Randy Orton vs Rey Mysterio
   I would have preferred it without all the exploitation of Eddie Guerrero's death, but it was still the best on this show by far.
2. Worst Match
   Chris Benoit vs JBL
   I am saying this match because Chris Benoit shouldn't be having shitty matches with shitty people making shitty gestures to get heat at the expense of a dead man.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Seeing CM Punk in a suit and hat pretending to be a 40's gangster with a toy gun.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   All the moments that involved Eddie Guerrero.
5. Star of the Show
   The crowd for just rejecting everything WWE threw at them.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   No celebrities this year. Probably would have killed their careers.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   No celebrities this year. Not even Rob Schneider could lower himself to attend this show.
8. Tonight's Meal
   This morning I tried again with the breakfast wrap; hash brown, scrambled egg, spinach, mushrooms, tomato and spaghetti in tomato sauce. Was quite good, probably needed some seasoning. 7-Up was again the beverage of choice and is not how I recommend anyone start their day. The Chips Ahoy with Reeses' peanut butter was delicious.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Still looking the same. I did well to avoid getting more food on it today. I like that I congratulate myself for doing something every normal person seems capable of doing.
10. Overall Score
    I was bored with this show. There were legitimately only 2 matches of interest - and even then, one was based around the death of a professional wrestling great. Having a dude cut a promo about how that dude is in hell? Not cool. Having a dude mock the way he moved just so the crowd would boo? Not cool. I was just flat out bored with this show. It makes me very glad I was not watching during this time period. And now I just read that the awesome Perro Aquayo Jr has died. Fuck this show.
    3.5 out of 10