1 April 2007
Ford Field
Detroit, Michigan
Attendance: 80,103
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry 'the King' Lawler, Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Joey Styles & Tazz
My thoughts before this viewing:
I have not seen this show before, so this will be my first viewing. Funny how that works. Hopefully I can care more than yesterday, though right now I am ready for sleep and in the mood to instead watch Knowing Me, Knowing You and recap that with pictures of Godzilla cuddling kittens. This is the internet - I'm pretty sure those pictures are out there. You can't hide your personal life from the internet, Godzilla!
Opening Video Package
They do a montage of all the different WrestleMania logos. That's kinda cool.
5/10
America the Beautiful
Jabba the Hutt is here to perform the song and he ate Aretha Franklin. And her hairdressers/backup singers from last time she was here. Because WWE believe in doing everything one way, there is a choir the size of a small town - even though they only sing four words.
10/10
Video Package
All the wrestlers have delusions and think they are the champion. Time to get that wellness policy in check, I think. Hey CM Punk is here!
6/10
Oh gawd - there are 3 brands now. Because 2 was working out so well...
And JBL is now a commentator? I'd like to die now please.
Opening Match
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Jeff Hardy vs CM Punk vs Finlay vs King Booker vs Mr. Kennedy vs Matt Hardy vs Randy Orton vs Edge
Jeff Hardy proves my point about the wellness policy when he comes out and start raving to his theme music.
Jim Ross says "a straight right hand never fails". He has obviously never seen a Hulk Hogan match. The commentators make lots of penis jokes in regards to the ladders, and then JBL says "Size does matter - just ask my ex-wife." So he's admitting he has a small dick? Speaking of balls, Jeff Hardy decides to break his and Edge's at the same time:
This match feels way more brutal than the previous ones. Way too many dudes getting bashed in the head with a ladder for no reason.
Winner = Mr. Kennedy via ladder stuff
6/10
To start WrestleMania weekend, they had the world premier for 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin's new movie. It looks dumb and you were all dumb for attending.
Backstage
Todd Grisham talks to Mr. Kennedy, who likes to yell.
4/10
Batista is all grown up.
That's the tag line for tonight. So that means we'll have to see crap like this all night.
Kane vs The Great Khali
Oh fuck.
A battle of the big shitty-shitty things.
Winner = The Great Khali via pinfall following big shitty-things
1/10
The divas are all grown up.
You are all also poor dressers.
Backstage
All the losers of this company and old people like Mae Young are doing bad comedy and I would like to kill them all. But I won't fail it entirely when it features Layla and her facial expressions are brilliant. But the hotness of Layla can only get you so far.
1/10
US Championship
Chris Benoit (c) vs MVP
Ironic moment; MVP's theme contained a line that said "You're gonna die soon".
You tried to defend this title last year, Benoit, and it didn't work out well. Maybe rename it the Canadian Championship and it might mean more to you. Or you could just lose your mind and go on a kill crazy rampage after this. Whatever suits you best.
Winner = Chris Benoit via pinfall following diving headbutt
7/10
JBL says "He's going into the Hall of Fame one day". Uh... no, he is not. Never.
Backstage
Alan Partridge Donald Trump is backstage with some young lady when Boogeyman shows up. Alan Donald gives almost as little shits as I do.
-1/10
Highlights from the Hall of Fame ceremony. Mr. Perfect went in and William Shatner was there. Dusty Rhodes' son said he was the greatest talker in the history of professional wrestling and he wasn't lying.
82% of the people believe Undertaker will beat Batista. So only 18% of WWE fans are under the age of 6 or have severe mental retardation.
Video Package
Undertaker won the Royal Rumble so gets a title shot. Remember when winning the Royal Rumble meant getting to be in the main event? Guess that only means something if you plan on challenging Triple H.
7/10
World Heavyweight Championship
Undertaker vs Batista (c)
I love how the commentators act like being undefeated at WrestleMania equates to some amazing win streak over the last 15 years. It's not like he doesn't lose almost every match outside of WrestleMania.
Winner = Undertaker via the usual
New Champion!
8/10
Bobby Lashley is all grown up. I call bull shit - he still sounds like he is yet to go through puberty.
Backstage
Vince McMahon says 'Hi' to Stephanie and her child. I say 'fuck you' to all 3 of them.
-1/10
ECW Match
ECW Originals vs The New Breed
Give me one reason to give a damn about this match. Ariel the vampire chick? I think those four words tell you everything you need to know.
Winners - ECW Originals (Rob Van Dam, Sandman, Tommy Dreamer & Sabu) via pinfall
3/10
Joey Styles is really annoying.
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin is all grown up just like WrestleMania and my patience. No wait, that's fed up.
Video Package
Apparently Hollywood is all a buzz about this next match. Bull. Shit.
1/10
Battle of the Billionaires
Bobby Lashley (w/Alan Partridge Donald Trump) vs Umaga (w/Vince McMahon)
Guest Referee: 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
There is barber's chair and no Brutus Beefcake - missed opportunity again!
Jim Ross says this is the first time the ECW champion has faced the Intercontinental champion at WrestleMania. Well, the ECW championship didn't exist until after the last WrestleMania, so unless time travel can be used to make matches - no shit!
Of course, Austin is the only guy involved in this that anyone cares about. Doesn't that tell you something about this company, that a guy who hasn't wrestled in 4 years is still the most popular man by far?
Winner = Bobby Lashley via Austin being a bad referee
2/10
Because Lashley won, Vince gets his head shaved. And Austin givesAlan Partridge Donald Trump a stunner just because.
Guess what?
John Cena is all grown up.
Fuck.
This.
Show.
Lumberjill Match
WWE Women's Championship
Ashley vs Melina (c)
I like that the 'divas' are only allowed first names. The crowd takes things to a whole new level... of not caring. It is so quiet, it's like this match is taking place in a library for deaf mimes.
Winner = Melina via pinfall
1/10
Holy shit, Shawn Michaels is all grown up as well! I'd hope so - he is almost 50. You'd think growing up would mean he could stop being such a cock.
Apparently the fan vote being in John Cena's favour may motivate Shawn Michaels even more. Is he watching the results right now? Dude should probably be preparing for his title match instead of watching the television.
Video Package
Super dramatic music with highlights of stuff. I'm just waiting for Jim Ross to tell us this is the biggest main event in WrestleMania history.
5/10
Main Event
WWE Championship
John Cena (c) vs Shawn Michaels
I always put the good guy's name first. I can't quite decide if I should put John Cena there each time, because he is supposed to be the good guy, yet gets more boos than most of the bad guys.
Now John Cena shows us that you should never get in a car with him.
Seriously, dangerous driving isn't setting a good example for the little kids out there.
Jim Ross thinks the WWE title has been defended at every WrestleMania. I guess he didn't watch the first one. Then he says "it has been defended 15 times." More like 4. Did he mean it has changed hands? Because that is actually 17. Fuck off.
Like every main event, the referee gets knocked out. And like every match in WWE during this time, both guys are bleeding. Michaels destroys Cena's leg but of course Cena gets magically better and completely no sells it. Then acts like the match has just started. He is such a pro. No wonder the crowds love him.
Winner = John Cena via submission
6/10
John Cena celebrates while his rapping plays us out.
WrestleMania XXIII: The Awards
Ford Field
Detroit, Michigan
Attendance: 80,103
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry 'the King' Lawler, Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Joey Styles & Tazz
My thoughts before this viewing:
I have not seen this show before, so this will be my first viewing. Funny how that works. Hopefully I can care more than yesterday, though right now I am ready for sleep and in the mood to instead watch Knowing Me, Knowing You and recap that with pictures of Godzilla cuddling kittens. This is the internet - I'm pretty sure those pictures are out there. You can't hide your personal life from the internet, Godzilla!
Opening Video Package
They do a montage of all the different WrestleMania logos. That's kinda cool.
5/10
America the Beautiful
Jabba the Hutt is here to perform the song and he ate Aretha Franklin. And her hairdressers/backup singers from last time she was here. Because WWE believe in doing everything one way, there is a choir the size of a small town - even though they only sing four words.
10/10
Video Package
All the wrestlers have delusions and think they are the champion. Time to get that wellness policy in check, I think. Hey CM Punk is here!
6/10
Oh gawd - there are 3 brands now. Because 2 was working out so well...
And JBL is now a commentator? I'd like to die now please.
Opening Match
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Jeff Hardy vs CM Punk vs Finlay vs King Booker vs Mr. Kennedy vs Matt Hardy vs Randy Orton vs Edge
Jeff Hardy proves my point about the wellness policy when he comes out and start raving to his theme music.
Winner = Mr. Kennedy via ladder stuff
6/10
To start WrestleMania weekend, they had the world premier for 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin's new movie. It looks dumb and you were all dumb for attending.
Backstage
Todd Grisham talks to Mr. Kennedy, who likes to yell.
4/10
Batista is all grown up.
That's the tag line for tonight. So that means we'll have to see crap like this all night.
Kane vs The Great Khali
Oh fuck.
Winner = The Great Khali via pinfall following big shitty-things
1/10
The divas are all grown up.
You are all also poor dressers.
Backstage
All the losers of this company and old people like Mae Young are doing bad comedy and I would like to kill them all. But I won't fail it entirely when it features Layla and her facial expressions are brilliant. But the hotness of Layla can only get you so far.
1/10
US Championship
Chris Benoit (c) vs MVP
Ironic moment; MVP's theme contained a line that said "You're gonna die soon".
Winner = Chris Benoit via pinfall following diving headbutt
7/10
JBL says "He's going into the Hall of Fame one day". Uh... no, he is not. Never.
Backstage
-1/10
Highlights from the Hall of Fame ceremony. Mr. Perfect went in and William Shatner was there. Dusty Rhodes' son said he was the greatest talker in the history of professional wrestling and he wasn't lying.
82% of the people believe Undertaker will beat Batista. So only 18% of WWE fans are under the age of 6 or have severe mental retardation.
Video Package
Undertaker won the Royal Rumble so gets a title shot. Remember when winning the Royal Rumble meant getting to be in the main event? Guess that only means something if you plan on challenging Triple H.
7/10
World Heavyweight Championship
Undertaker vs Batista (c)
I love how the commentators act like being undefeated at WrestleMania equates to some amazing win streak over the last 15 years. It's not like he doesn't lose almost every match outside of WrestleMania.
Winner = Undertaker via the usual
New Champion!
8/10
Bobby Lashley is all grown up. I call bull shit - he still sounds like he is yet to go through puberty.
Backstage
Vince McMahon says 'Hi' to Stephanie and her child. I say 'fuck you' to all 3 of them.
-1/10
ECW Match
ECW Originals vs The New Breed
Winners - ECW Originals (Rob Van Dam, Sandman, Tommy Dreamer & Sabu) via pinfall
3/10
Joey Styles is really annoying.
'Stone Cold' Steve Austin is all grown up just like WrestleMania and my patience. No wait, that's fed up.
Video Package
Apparently Hollywood is all a buzz about this next match. Bull. Shit.
1/10
Battle of the Billionaires
Bobby Lashley (w/Alan Partridge Donald Trump) vs Umaga (w/Vince McMahon)
Guest Referee: 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
There is barber's chair and no Brutus Beefcake - missed opportunity again!
Jim Ross says this is the first time the ECW champion has faced the Intercontinental champion at WrestleMania. Well, the ECW championship didn't exist until after the last WrestleMania, so unless time travel can be used to make matches - no shit!
Of course, Austin is the only guy involved in this that anyone cares about. Doesn't that tell you something about this company, that a guy who hasn't wrestled in 4 years is still the most popular man by far?
Winner = Bobby Lashley via Austin being a bad referee
2/10
Because Lashley won, Vince gets his head shaved. And Austin gives
Guess what?
John Cena is all grown up.
Fuck.
This.
Show.
Lumberjill Match
WWE Women's Championship
Ashley vs Melina (c)
I like that the 'divas' are only allowed first names. The crowd takes things to a whole new level... of not caring. It is so quiet, it's like this match is taking place in a library for deaf mimes.
Winner = Melina via pinfall
1/10
Holy shit, Shawn Michaels is all grown up as well! I'd hope so - he is almost 50. You'd think growing up would mean he could stop being such a cock.
Apparently the fan vote being in John Cena's favour may motivate Shawn Michaels even more. Is he watching the results right now? Dude should probably be preparing for his title match instead of watching the television.
Video Package
Super dramatic music with highlights of stuff. I'm just waiting for Jim Ross to tell us this is the biggest main event in WrestleMania history.
5/10
Main Event
WWE Championship
John Cena (c) vs Shawn Michaels
I always put the good guy's name first. I can't quite decide if I should put John Cena there each time, because he is supposed to be the good guy, yet gets more boos than most of the bad guys.
Now John Cena shows us that you should never get in a car with him.
Jim Ross thinks the WWE title has been defended at every WrestleMania. I guess he didn't watch the first one. Then he says "it has been defended 15 times." More like 4. Did he mean it has changed hands? Because that is actually 17. Fuck off.
Like every main event, the referee gets knocked out. And like every match in WWE during this time, both guys are bleeding. Michaels destroys Cena's leg but of course Cena gets magically better and completely no sells it. Then acts like the match has just started. He is such a pro. No wonder the crowds love him.
Winner = John Cena via submission
6/10
John Cena celebrates while his rapping plays us out.
WrestleMania XXIII: The Awards
- Best Match
The Undertaker vs Batista
Not at all what I expected but it was very entertaining. - Worst Match
Kane vs The Great Kahli
Are there actually people out there that kind of garbage entertaining? - Highlight of the Show
Layla.
Just general Layla. - Lowlight of the Show
Every single one of those "now I'm all grown up" video packages. I don't care about little kids pretending to be wrestlers, or any lies these wrestlers want to tell to make them sound way cooler. You all sounded like teenagers trying to prove to your parents you are adults now. You may as well have started them by calling your parents by their first names. - Star of the Show
I guess John Cena, though you wouldn't know it by the crowd reaction. I'm sure Jim Ross would try and tell you Shawn Michaels. - Best Celebrity Appearance
Alan Partridge. AH-HA!
Wait, you mean that really wasn't Alan Partridge? Well, OK then...
Tara Connor, former Miss USA who accompanied Donald Trump tonight. It isn't that she is hot or did anything awesome, I just don't want to give it to Donald Trump. - Worst Celebrity Appearance
Donald Trump for his terrible Alan Partridge impersonation. - Tonight's Meal
Tonight was a return to the good stuff; carrot hummus, kale, red onion, cucumber, capsicum, tomato and falafel, topped with garlic & yoghurt and sweet chilli sauces. Delicious, though I did miss the avocado. Might try with mushrooms next time as well. I had Pepsi Next, followed by Pepsi Max because I am still falling asleep and struggling to type this without making a quadrillion mistakes. The Reeses' Chips Ahoys are wonderful. I should have had these all along. - T-Shirt Cleanliness
There is none. I fear the stains may dissolve this shirt before I hit WrestleMania 31. Or maybe dissolve my skin. - Overall Score
Another mix of good with boring. I'm sure this show had potential to be entertaining, but by Prime am I sick to death of being told what to like by the commentators - especially when they have no fucking clue what they are saying half the time. How hard is it to get your facts right before opening your mouths? And we've really hit the period where all the matches are done in the same way and the same things happen. Maybe I"m being unfair. Maybe I would have enjoyed it better if I wasn't so tired and actually gave more than a sixteen-thousandth of a shit about what was happening, but that's not how this worked out so go cry to Vince McMahon about it.
4 out of 10
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