1 April 2012
Sun Life Stadium
Miami, Florida - USA
Attendance: 78,363
Commentators: Michael Cole & Jerry 'the King' Lawler
My thoughts before this viewing:
This was another group viewing and as such I remember having a great time. But mostly in the same way as WrestleMania XXVII - we barely paid attention to anything outside of the main event. Hopefully I will pay more attention to everything else on the card today. I say that now, but there will probably be an 18-Diva match with Hornswoggle and Michael Cole as the guest commentators so I can't promise anything. I swear, if I see anything that is close to what I just wrote I will be out of here and back to playing 80's arcade games faster than you can steal my lemonade. Leave it alone! Now let's start the show and see how I go...
America the Beautiful
It's Lillian Garcia again, along with some bullshit military salute or something. Why can't Lillian just sing normally? She's good and all - and this song is lame - but she is just ridiculous with the way she sings all over the place. And I don't think she is quite as good as she seems to think she is.
3/10
She leads the crowd in a "USA" chant.
Oh just fuck off.
Opening Video Package
Once in a lifetime. I'm from the future and I call bullshit.
8/10
Opening Match
World Heavyweight Championship
Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan (c) (w/AJ Lee)
Daniel Bryan is the bad guy - but you wouldn't know it from the crowd reaction. They love him! Which means WWE have to destroy him.
Winner = Sheamus via pinfall in 18 seconds
New Champion!
3/10
And this is why it pays to be friends with the boss.
Backstage
The bad guys are fighting for Team Johnny. He compares their upcoming match tonight to Andre/Hogan and Austin/Hart. I'm from the future and I call bullshit. Hell, even in 2012 I call bullshit.
2/10
Randy Orton vs Kane
Kane is back in the mask and his hair has grown back? More of his evil magic powers, no doubt.
The crowd are so excited by this match they chant "Daniel Bryan!"
There is a guy in the front row that can't believe Kane didn't win from a chokeslam, Dude, he never wins from a chokeslam. Oh wait...
Winner = Kane via pinfall following top rope chokeslam
3/10
Backstage
Santino Marella and Mick Foley combine to create the worst backstage segment I have seen in a long time. Ron Simmons enters to say "Damn!" because he has the best job in the world.
-3/10
Video Package
Big Show is big... a big dummy! Especially at WrestleMania.
8/10
Intercontinental Championship
Big Show vs Cody Rhodes (c)
The commentators bury Daniel Bryan so we at home know not to care about him like the fans in the arena.
Winner = Big Show via pinfall following KO punch event though it should be illegal
New Champion!
4/10
Big Show starts crying. Add that to his embarrassing WrestleMania moments.
Video Package
The Divas brag about their job. OK then?
3/10
Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos vs Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres
They show a video of why this match is happening. I wish they hadn't.
Winners = Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos via Maria pinning Beth
2/10
Nothing like having a TV show host pin your Diva's champion.
Backstage
Matt Striker talks to Shawn Michaels, who is just typical Shawn Michaels and say nothing.
3/10
Jim Ross comes out for commentary. Because the H bomb gets the best for his matches.
Hell in a Cell - End of an Era Match
Undertaker vs Triple H
Guest Referee: Shawn Michaels
What does "End of an Era" even mean?
I'm guessing it is why the H bomb spends half of this match yelling at Michaels to "end it!", which gets really old really really quickly. A second referee comes out and gets chokeslammed, which he sells for about 12 minutes. Must have been the deadliest chokeslam in history. And then they kinda rip off the ending to WrestleMania XXVI.
Just way lamer.
Winner = Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
5/10
Hall of Fame highlights. Ric Flair thanked Chris Benoit but they didn't it. Mike Tyson made a joke about when he was arrested and people laugh? Yeah, it's funny he raped a girl.
Backstage
Heath Slater wants to work with Flo Rida, who does not have a sense of humour.
8/10
Team Teddy vs Team Johnny
For control of Raw and Smackdown
I can not begin to describe for you just how much indifference I feel towards this match.
Winners = Team Johnny following The Miz pinning Zack Ryder
3/10
After he gets pinned at WrestleMania, Eve kicks him in the balls. If I'm learning anything from this WrestleMania, it's that you should not try and get yourself over with the fans or WWE will kill your career.
More highlights of WrestleMania week and all the good WWE do for the world. If I'm learning anything else from this WrestleMania, it's that WWE is full of bullshit.
Backstage
CM Punk and John Laurinaitis get together for a bit of a chin-wag. Good old Johnny Ace decides that if Punk gets disqualified or counted out he will lose his title. CM Punk still has his lip-piercing here. I he doesn't get another one before his UFC debut.
7/10
Video Package
Chris Jericho thinks he is better than CM Punk because people in Punk's family have substance abuse problems. And people wonder why I am so done with Chris Jericho...
5/10
WWE Championship
CM Punk (c) vs Chris Jericho
These guys get the coolest entrances. As much as I dislike Chris Jericho, I certainly admire his choice in jackets.
And I post this so you have an idea of the scale of things. Is best viewed with Cult of Personality by Living Colour playing in the background:
After that awesome, this match starts with lots yells like "Your Father's a drunk!" and "Your sister's a drug addict!". Fucking cringe.
Remember when Johnny Ace said if CM Punk gets counted out he loses the title? Someone needs to remind Chris Jericho. And the commentators; they just said that he was pulling Punk back into the ring because it was the only way he can win the title. You are all stupid.
At least the end of this was good.
Winner = CM Punk via submission
7/10
Brodus Clay calls his 'Momma'.
I call my psychiatrist to find out what compells me to continue this marathon.
-3/10
Video Package
The Rock vs John Cena is the biggest Main Event in the history of WWE. I'm from the future and can't argue with the numbers. Chris Jericho claims this will be the greatest Main Event of all time. I'm from the future and I call bullshit.
9/10
Musical Performance
Diddy is here to introduce Machine Gun Kelly. Diddy should have performed instead. Machine Gun Kelly suck worse than Metallica. They even end their performance by saying John Cena is the biggest underdog tonight. Oh fuck off and learn some musical skill.
-1/10
Musical Performance
Flo Rida has a cool mic stand.
He changes the whole last verse of Wild Ones to rap about The Rock kicking ass and beating John Cena. Flo Rida is cool.
9/10
Main Event
The Rock vs John Cena
Note to WWE: near-falls would work much better if wrestlers still won matches from things like suplexes and rollups, otherwise you have to do like this match and have dudes constantly kick out of finishing moves.
Winner = The Rock via pinfall following rock bottom for like the third time
7/10
The Rock celebrates as his theme plays us out.
WrestleMania XXVIII: The Awards
Sun Life Stadium
Miami, Florida - USA
Attendance: 78,363
Commentators: Michael Cole & Jerry 'the King' Lawler
My thoughts before this viewing:
This was another group viewing and as such I remember having a great time. But mostly in the same way as WrestleMania XXVII - we barely paid attention to anything outside of the main event. Hopefully I will pay more attention to everything else on the card today. I say that now, but there will probably be an 18-Diva match with Hornswoggle and Michael Cole as the guest commentators so I can't promise anything. I swear, if I see anything that is close to what I just wrote I will be out of here and back to playing 80's arcade games faster than you can steal my lemonade. Leave it alone! Now let's start the show and see how I go...
America the Beautiful
It's Lillian Garcia again, along with some bullshit military salute or something. Why can't Lillian just sing normally? She's good and all - and this song is lame - but she is just ridiculous with the way she sings all over the place. And I don't think she is quite as good as she seems to think she is.
3/10
She leads the crowd in a "USA" chant.
Oh just fuck off.
Opening Video Package
Once in a lifetime. I'm from the future and I call bullshit.
8/10
Opening Match
World Heavyweight Championship
Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan (c) (w/AJ Lee)
Winner = Sheamus via pinfall in 18 seconds
New Champion!
3/10
And this is why it pays to be friends with the boss.
Backstage
The bad guys are fighting for Team Johnny. He compares their upcoming match tonight to Andre/Hogan and Austin/Hart. I'm from the future and I call bullshit. Hell, even in 2012 I call bullshit.
2/10
Randy Orton vs Kane
The crowd are so excited by this match they chant "Daniel Bryan!"
There is a guy in the front row that can't believe Kane didn't win from a chokeslam, Dude, he never wins from a chokeslam. Oh wait...
Winner = Kane via pinfall following top rope chokeslam
3/10
Backstage
Santino Marella and Mick Foley combine to create the worst backstage segment I have seen in a long time. Ron Simmons enters to say "Damn!" because he has the best job in the world.
-3/10
Video Package
Big Show is big... a big dummy! Especially at WrestleMania.
8/10
Intercontinental Championship
Big Show vs Cody Rhodes (c)
Winner = Big Show via pinfall following KO punch event though it should be illegal
New Champion!
4/10
Big Show starts crying. Add that to his embarrassing WrestleMania moments.
Video Package
The Divas brag about their job. OK then?
3/10
Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos vs Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres
They show a video of why this match is happening. I wish they hadn't.
Winners = Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos via Maria pinning Beth
2/10
Nothing like having a TV show host pin your Diva's champion.
Backstage
Matt Striker talks to Shawn Michaels, who is just typical Shawn Michaels and say nothing.
3/10
Jim Ross comes out for commentary. Because the H bomb gets the best for his matches.
Hell in a Cell - End of an Era Match
Undertaker vs Triple H
Guest Referee: Shawn Michaels
What does "End of an Era" even mean?
I'm guessing it is why the H bomb spends half of this match yelling at Michaels to "end it!", which gets really old really really quickly. A second referee comes out and gets chokeslammed, which he sells for about 12 minutes. Must have been the deadliest chokeslam in history. And then they kinda rip off the ending to WrestleMania XXVI.
Just way lamer.
Winner = Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
5/10
Hall of Fame highlights. Ric Flair thanked Chris Benoit but they didn't it. Mike Tyson made a joke about when he was arrested and people laugh? Yeah, it's funny he raped a girl.
Backstage
Heath Slater wants to work with Flo Rida, who does not have a sense of humour.
Team Teddy vs Team Johnny
For control of Raw and Smackdown
I can not begin to describe for you just how much indifference I feel towards this match.
Winners = Team Johnny following The Miz pinning Zack Ryder
3/10
After he gets pinned at WrestleMania, Eve kicks him in the balls. If I'm learning anything from this WrestleMania, it's that you should not try and get yourself over with the fans or WWE will kill your career.
More highlights of WrestleMania week and all the good WWE do for the world. If I'm learning anything else from this WrestleMania, it's that WWE is full of bullshit.
Backstage
CM Punk and John Laurinaitis get together for a bit of a chin-wag. Good old Johnny Ace decides that if Punk gets disqualified or counted out he will lose his title. CM Punk still has his lip-piercing here. I he doesn't get another one before his UFC debut.
7/10
Video Package
Chris Jericho thinks he is better than CM Punk because people in Punk's family have substance abuse problems. And people wonder why I am so done with Chris Jericho...
5/10
WWE Championship
CM Punk (c) vs Chris Jericho
These guys get the coolest entrances. As much as I dislike Chris Jericho, I certainly admire his choice in jackets.
Remember when Johnny Ace said if CM Punk gets counted out he loses the title? Someone needs to remind Chris Jericho. And the commentators; they just said that he was pulling Punk back into the ring because it was the only way he can win the title. You are all stupid.
At least the end of this was good.
Winner = CM Punk via submission
7/10
Brodus Clay calls his 'Momma'.
I call my psychiatrist to find out what compells me to continue this marathon.
-3/10
Video Package
The Rock vs John Cena is the biggest Main Event in the history of WWE. I'm from the future and can't argue with the numbers. Chris Jericho claims this will be the greatest Main Event of all time. I'm from the future and I call bullshit.
9/10
Musical Performance
Diddy is here to introduce Machine Gun Kelly. Diddy should have performed instead. Machine Gun Kelly suck worse than Metallica. They even end their performance by saying John Cena is the biggest underdog tonight. Oh fuck off and learn some musical skill.
-1/10
Musical Performance
Flo Rida has a cool mic stand.
9/10
Main Event
Note to WWE: near-falls would work much better if wrestlers still won matches from things like suplexes and rollups, otherwise you have to do like this match and have dudes constantly kick out of finishing moves.
Winner = The Rock via pinfall following rock bottom for like the third time
7/10
The Rock celebrates as his theme plays us out.
WrestleMania XXVIII: The Awards
- Best Match
The Rock vs John Cena
This match didn't involve someone yelling at their opponent about their family being a drug addict or a drunk. - Worst Match
Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos vs Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres
Maria Menounos is about as good a wrestler as Kelly Kelly. Think about that. - Highlight of the Show
Flo Rida beating up Heath Slater. The guy is actually huge and made Slater look like a chump. - Lowlight of the Show
Mick Foley and Santino Marella attacking their dinner with their sock puppets. - Star of the Show
The Rock. Because The Rock is so obviously a bigger star than anyone else on this show it is hilarious. - Best Celebrity Appearance
Flo Rida. He looked like he wanted no part of that backstage segment, beat up a clown with a Southern drawl, and then rocked the house with his songs. Thumbs up from me!
- Worst Celebrity Appearance
Those Machine Gun Kelly clowns. Their music is bad and they should feel bad. - Tonight's Meal
Tonight was a collection of flavours; avocado, kale, red onion, tomato, cucumber, capsicum, carrot hummus and falafel topped with fried mushrooms and sweet chilli sauce. Was very tasty and filling. Being the weekend, I moved back to 7-Up. I should have stuck with Pepsi Next. And added tequila. Maybe one-fifth Pepsi Next and four-fifths tequila. The Chips Ahoy! with Reese's peanut butter cups were again very wonderful. - T-Shirt Cleanliness
Even the logo has gross stuff stuck to it now. - Overall Score
Jeepers - what a way to kill a good run! All the backstage stuff was awful, some of the video packages were fun and then the matches were mostly boring. Or quick and boring. The main event and the WWE championship match were good enough, but there was just something missing all night. Remember at WrestleMania III how all night you heard from Hogan and Andre, which just added to the drama and got me excited for the main event? This show had none of that; not a single promo by one of the greatest promo men of all time? No John Cena telling us how bad he needed to win? Just a video package telling us this was going to be the biggest main event of all time - I think that hurt it a bit. And that Triple H/Undertaker match is by far the most overrated match possible. Just an overblown spotfest that meant nothing. End of an era? Both are still wrestling and stuff - what was the point? Oh well, tomorrow is another day. Another day of WrestleMania... damn!
4 out of 10
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