23 March 1997
Rosemont Horizon
Rosemont, Illinois - USA
Attendance: 18,197
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Jerry 'the King' Lawler
I use Roman numerals in all of my titles because they look cooler.
It's Friday the 13th! Time for the horror of WrestleMania 13...
My thoughts before this viewing:
I can't recall the first time I saw this show. I can't really recall many matches from it either. That's because there is really only one match that matters on this show. Not only because it was the greatest match, but it also led to my favourite angle in pro-wrestling history. 1997 was a good year to be a fan. Until November. And not during WrestleMania. Let's see if this show can break the trend and make some sort of impression in my WrestleMania collection...
Opening Video Package
Recap of the previous WrestleManias - including Pamela Anderson & Jenny McCarthy's cleavage at WrestleMania XI. Glad they are reminiscing over the important things.
Bret Hart is called an "angry young" man. Love it! Super serious voice!
7/10
That totally looks like the cover of an old Playstation game.
Again, no musical performance, just straight to the wrestling. Kind of kills the big show feel of WrestleMania. But also means I don't have to hear how great America is.
Backstage
Todd Pettingill meets The New Blackjacks. They look like they've come straight from a gay bar.
2/10
4 Team Elimination Match
The Godwinns vs The Headbangers vs Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon vs The New Blackjacks
Here are your rules:
None of that matters much because about 2 minutes in The New Blackjacks are disqualified and Furnas & LaFon are counted out at the exact same time. Apparently Bill Clinton jokes are still necessary. As well as jokes about Vince McMahon being old.
Winners = The Headbangers via pinfall
3/10
These are The Headbangers:
And these are not:
The Honky Tonk Man appears to do guest commentary and sing along with his theme.
WWF Intercontinental Championship
Rocky Maivia (c) vs The Sultan (w/The Iron Sheik & Bob Backlund)
In case you didn't know, Rocky Maivia is Dwayne Johnson on his way to becoming The Rock.
It's hilarious seeing him show glimpses of his awesome but the crowd are so incredibly indifferent towards the guy. That would soon turn to hatred.
Winner = Rocky Maivia
4/10
The bad guys attack after the match and Vince complains that The Sultan is a sore loser; remember all the earlier WrestleManias when the good guys would lose and then beat up the bad guys for winning? Rocky's Dad comes out to save him. Seriously, you need your Dad to save you from the bad guys? No wonder the fans started chanting "Rocky sucks!".
Backstage
Todd Pettingill talks to Ken Shamrock, direct from the UFC. Pre-WWF Ken Shamrock was the man.
4/10
Backstage
Doc Hendrix talks with Hunter Hearst Helmsley with Chyna. Hunter says rude things because that's all he knows how to do.
1/10
Highlights of The Slammy Awards
Yes that's a real thing. Owen Hart stole awards, Shawn Michaels acted like a dick and women wore skimpy bikinis.
Goldust (w/Marlena) vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley (w/Chyna)
I had forgotten what Chyna looked like before her plastic surgery. Goldust told the commentators that he is concerned for Marlena's welfare at ringside - so why bring her to the ring? Why not leave her backstage, or bring someone else to look after her, or even just leave her at home where she can wrap up in blankets and watch some Sunset Beach? Chyna ends up grabbing Marlena and shaking her around so much it looks like someone shaking a mannequin or something. It is almost comical.
Winner = Hunter Hearst Helmsley via pinfall following pedigree
3/10
WWF Tag Team Championship
Owen Hart & The British Bulldog (c) vs Mankind & Vader (w/Paul Bearer)
A 'bad guys vs bad guys' match? Wow, I bet this will go down well...
Jim Ross ambushes Owen and Bulldog on their way to the ring and tries to stir shit between them. Bulldog has 2 belts and Owen has 2 Slammys - fuck off, Jim Ross.
Paul Bearer is almost as fat as Yokozuna. And Mankind now has possession of The Undertaker's urn - and it is yet another size and shape. And just as empty.
Double countout
4/10
Video Package
Bret Hart is struggling with the changes in the WWF. Steve Austin represents those changes and the Hitman must make him pay.
8/10
Submission Match
Bret 'Hitman' Hart vs 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
Guest Referee: Ken Shamrock
Ken Shamrock looks absolutely jacked.
Steve Austin makes a pretty awesome entrance with some smashing glass.
And Bret Hart comes to the ring like a man on a mission.
That mission?
Have an awesome match.
Mission accomplished.
Winner = Bret Hart via sharpshooter
10/10
Steve Austin never gave up - while in the sharpshooter and with his face covered in blood, he passed out from the pain and Shamrock awarded the match to the Hitman.
After the match, Bret beats up on Austin some more so Ken Shamrock challenges Bret to throw down.
Bret gets pissed and leaves.
Can I add another 10?
Backstage
Todd Pettingill is with the Nation of Domination. There sure are a lot of them. And they say they have stuff with which to beat up their opponents with.
3/10
Chicago Street Fight
Legion of Doom & Ahmed Johnson vs Nation of Domination
Having to follow that match? No thanks.
Lots of fighting and brawling with garbage cans, road signs and fire extinguishers. Though there was a funny moment with a 2x4:
Winners = Legion of Doom & Ahmed Johnson via pinfall
3/10
They keep brawling and then they brawl some more.
Shawn Michaels comes out to do commentary for the main event and gets a full intro with pyro and everything. He also forgets to pretend his leg is injured and then remembers every so often.
Backstage
Todd Pettingill talks to Sycho Sid. He is not afraid of the dark and likes to mumble.
3/10
Main Event
WWF World Heavyweight Championship
The Undertaker vs Sycho Sid (c)
Aware that he is better than everyone else, Bret Hart can't let them start the match before he tells everyone what he thinks of them.
So Sid powerbombs him. Dick. Shawn Michaels is especially annoying on commentary - not as annoying as that time he did commentary while drunk or high or whatever he was, but still annoying. The guy is a complete tool. Hilariously, he goes on about what both men are like to fight against in the ring, yet 6 months from now he will have a match with The Undertaker that was billed as their first ever. He says he misses being in the last match at WrestleMania - dude you've done it once. Once out of the 8 WrestleManias you have performed in. And you've actually lost most of those matches.
Realising this match sucks, Bret Hart comes back and beats Sid with a chair.
Payback is a bitch, Sid.
Vince calls Bret a loser. Fuck you Vince - Bret Hart won his match tonight! Sid's the loser.
Winner = The Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
New Champion!
5/10
And 4 of those points are because of Bret Hart's involvement.
The Undertaker celebrates while his theme plays us out.
WrestleMania XIII: The Awards
Rosemont Horizon
Rosemont, Illinois - USA
Attendance: 18,197
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jim Ross & Jerry 'the King' Lawler
I use Roman numerals in all of my titles because they look cooler.
It's Friday the 13th! Time for the horror of WrestleMania 13...
My thoughts before this viewing:
I can't recall the first time I saw this show. I can't really recall many matches from it either. That's because there is really only one match that matters on this show. Not only because it was the greatest match, but it also led to my favourite angle in pro-wrestling history. 1997 was a good year to be a fan. Until November. And not during WrestleMania. Let's see if this show can break the trend and make some sort of impression in my WrestleMania collection...
Opening Video Package
Recap of the previous WrestleManias - including Pamela Anderson & Jenny McCarthy's cleavage at WrestleMania XI. Glad they are reminiscing over the important things.
Bret Hart is called an "angry young" man. Love it! Super serious voice!
7/10
That totally looks like the cover of an old Playstation game.
Again, no musical performance, just straight to the wrestling. Kind of kills the big show feel of WrestleMania. But also means I don't have to hear how great America is.
Backstage
Todd Pettingill meets The New Blackjacks. They look like they've come straight from a gay bar.
2/10
4 Team Elimination Match
The Godwinns vs The Headbangers vs Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon vs The New Blackjacks
Here are your rules:
None of that matters much because about 2 minutes in The New Blackjacks are disqualified and Furnas & LaFon are counted out at the exact same time. Apparently Bill Clinton jokes are still necessary. As well as jokes about Vince McMahon being old.
Winners = The Headbangers via pinfall
3/10
These are The Headbangers:
And these are not:
The Honky Tonk Man appears to do guest commentary and sing along with his theme.
WWF Intercontinental Championship
Rocky Maivia (c) vs The Sultan (w/The Iron Sheik & Bob Backlund)
In case you didn't know, Rocky Maivia is Dwayne Johnson on his way to becoming The Rock.
It's hilarious seeing him show glimpses of his awesome but the crowd are so incredibly indifferent towards the guy. That would soon turn to hatred.
Winner = Rocky Maivia
4/10
The bad guys attack after the match and Vince complains that The Sultan is a sore loser; remember all the earlier WrestleManias when the good guys would lose and then beat up the bad guys for winning? Rocky's Dad comes out to save him. Seriously, you need your Dad to save you from the bad guys? No wonder the fans started chanting "Rocky sucks!".
Backstage
Todd Pettingill talks to Ken Shamrock, direct from the UFC. Pre-WWF Ken Shamrock was the man.
4/10
Backstage
Doc Hendrix talks with Hunter Hearst Helmsley with Chyna. Hunter says rude things because that's all he knows how to do.
1/10
Highlights of The Slammy Awards
Yes that's a real thing. Owen Hart stole awards, Shawn Michaels acted like a dick and women wore skimpy bikinis.
Goldust (w/Marlena) vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley (w/Chyna)
I had forgotten what Chyna looked like before her plastic surgery. Goldust told the commentators that he is concerned for Marlena's welfare at ringside - so why bring her to the ring? Why not leave her backstage, or bring someone else to look after her, or even just leave her at home where she can wrap up in blankets and watch some Sunset Beach? Chyna ends up grabbing Marlena and shaking her around so much it looks like someone shaking a mannequin or something. It is almost comical.
Winner = Hunter Hearst Helmsley via pinfall following pedigree
3/10
WWF Tag Team Championship
Owen Hart & The British Bulldog (c) vs Mankind & Vader (w/Paul Bearer)
A 'bad guys vs bad guys' match? Wow, I bet this will go down well...
Jim Ross ambushes Owen and Bulldog on their way to the ring and tries to stir shit between them. Bulldog has 2 belts and Owen has 2 Slammys - fuck off, Jim Ross.
Paul Bearer is almost as fat as Yokozuna. And Mankind now has possession of The Undertaker's urn - and it is yet another size and shape. And just as empty.
Double countout
4/10
Video Package
Bret Hart is struggling with the changes in the WWF. Steve Austin represents those changes and the Hitman must make him pay.
8/10
Submission Match
Bret 'Hitman' Hart vs 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
Guest Referee: Ken Shamrock
Ken Shamrock looks absolutely jacked.
Steve Austin makes a pretty awesome entrance with some smashing glass.
And Bret Hart comes to the ring like a man on a mission.
That mission?
Have an awesome match.
Mission accomplished.
Winner = Bret Hart via sharpshooter
10/10
Steve Austin never gave up - while in the sharpshooter and with his face covered in blood, he passed out from the pain and Shamrock awarded the match to the Hitman.
After the match, Bret beats up on Austin some more so Ken Shamrock challenges Bret to throw down.
Bret gets pissed and leaves.
Can I add another 10?
Backstage
Todd Pettingill is with the Nation of Domination. There sure are a lot of them. And they say they have stuff with which to beat up their opponents with.
3/10
Chicago Street Fight
Legion of Doom & Ahmed Johnson vs Nation of Domination
Having to follow that match? No thanks.
Lots of fighting and brawling with garbage cans, road signs and fire extinguishers. Though there was a funny moment with a 2x4:
Winners = Legion of Doom & Ahmed Johnson via pinfall
3/10
They keep brawling and then they brawl some more.
Shawn Michaels comes out to do commentary for the main event and gets a full intro with pyro and everything. He also forgets to pretend his leg is injured and then remembers every so often.
Backstage
Todd Pettingill talks to Sycho Sid. He is not afraid of the dark and likes to mumble.
3/10
Main Event
WWF World Heavyweight Championship
The Undertaker vs Sycho Sid (c)
Aware that he is better than everyone else, Bret Hart can't let them start the match before he tells everyone what he thinks of them.
So Sid powerbombs him. Dick. Shawn Michaels is especially annoying on commentary - not as annoying as that time he did commentary while drunk or high or whatever he was, but still annoying. The guy is a complete tool. Hilariously, he goes on about what both men are like to fight against in the ring, yet 6 months from now he will have a match with The Undertaker that was billed as their first ever. He says he misses being in the last match at WrestleMania - dude you've done it once. Once out of the 8 WrestleManias you have performed in. And you've actually lost most of those matches.
Realising this match sucks, Bret Hart comes back and beats Sid with a chair.
Payback is a bitch, Sid.
Vince calls Bret a loser. Fuck you Vince - Bret Hart won his match tonight! Sid's the loser.
Winner = The Undertaker via pinfall following tombstone piledriver
New Champion!
5/10
And 4 of those points are because of Bret Hart's involvement.
The Undertaker celebrates while his theme plays us out.
WrestleMania XIII: The Awards
- Best Match
Bret 'Hitman' Hart vs 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
Just a ridiculous match. There isn't a moment that slows down while these two "angry young men" try to destroy each other. The 'double-turn' at the end worked perfectly and this set Austin up as an absolute star. - Worst Match
Goldust vs Hunter Hearst Helmsley
Just a really boring match. Like most matches lately. - Highlight of the Show
Bret 'Hitman' Hart being awesome. Seriously, if I could get my hands on some classic mid-90s Bret Hart merch I would be a very happy man.
I didn't have to change anything from yesterday. - Lowlight of the Show
Shawn Michaels on commentary in the main event. - Star of the Show
Bret 'Hitman' Hart. He was all over this show, from having a crazy awesome match and making Steve Austin into a star, to interrupting the boredom of the main event to continue being a jerk and hammering home that he really is now the biggest bad guy in the company. Incredible, considering he started this show as one of the biggest good guys. That's what makes him the best! - Best Celebrity Appearance
No celebrities this year - not even in attendance. - Worst Celebrity Appearance
No celebrities this year - not even in attendance. - Tonight's Meal
To commemorate the departure of Bret Hart, I decided something very different; simple wrap filled with my patented nacho mixture (refried beans, tomatoes, beans, creamed corn & spices) and sour cream. This was my messiest meal so far, but was incredibly delicious. The Oatmeal Creme Pie was fine. Back to Pepsi Next because I really enjoy this beverage. - T-Shirt Cleanliness
Incredibly, I managed to not spill anything on my shirt tonight. Considering how much food ended up on my face, I consider this a major victory equivalent with becoming the UFC heavyweight champion. - Overall Score
This show is a lot like WrestleMania XII. Except this show doesn't have a great main event to save it. What it does have, however, is an incredible match halfway through that saves it. There are almost no backstage promos, no time wasting, but the other things are starting to creep in - they will make their presence more known in the next couple of shows. The hardest thing is saying goodbye to the Hitman - though at least he went out with one of the greatest matches possible. Without him this show would have been a complete waste of time.
4.5 out of 10
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