UWF Fury Hour Episode 24, 15th April 1991
Craig and Bruno are looking forward to finally ending this long-running feud in a bloody match. Bruno is super excited about the upcoming tournament to crown the first UWF Sportschannel TV Changing Champion or whateverthefuck they will be called.
S.D. Jones will be wrestling tonight. What? For reals??
'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs The Beast
John Tolos joins the commentary team to make sure we know his tag-team is the greatest of all tag-teams. They should have a tag-team championship to prove it. The Beast seems to finally have tights that fit properly. Craig tells Tolos he doesn't want him joining them on commentary regularly. Fuck you - I want him on commentary full-time instead of you!
Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via eye poke and DDT combo
I guess it's better than a slam? Craig thinks Bruno should enter the UWF Championship tournament. Finally something we can agree on!
THE BEACH BRAWL!!! Herb screaming is fucking fun. Pro-wrestling needs more coked up dudes screaming at everyone to buy shit.
'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack vs Two Dude Whose Names I Don't Know
Cactus Jack dives to the concrete carpet and the crowd love it. I can see this tag-team being somewhat popular - despite the fact they are supposed to be bad guys. One of the jobber dudes is wearing tights that look like a Rainbow Paddle Pop. I always have and always will prefer a Bubble O'Bill.
Winners = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton & Cactus Jack via Orton hitting a splash or something from the middle rope.
Coach Tolos is happy!
Herb reminds us that Cactus Jack is unpredictable just like the UWF. I mean the only parts unpredictable are the BS finishes in every main event, but I guess because it happens so regularly that makes it even less unpredictable.
Captain Lou's Corner
Tonight Albano is in the ring with Bruno and poor sound to show us the new UWF Sportsbra TV BBQ Championship belt. It's actually nicer looking than I expected! I mean, the coloured UWF logo and the Sportschannel logo and the UWF engraved on the sides are all pretty ugly, but otherwise it's not bad.
THE BEACH BRAWL IS COMING
'Dr. Death' Steve Williams is calling everyone to go the Penta Hotel in New York now to watch his steel cage match with 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff. Pretty sure it was taped like a month ago, so going now would be stupid and you'd likely only see a bunch of tourists and I'm guessing a buffet. 'Dr. Death' wants to battle Orndorff in the crowd and the parking lot. Those are all open spaces - then why do this in a cage?
S.D. Jones (w/Mr. Haiti) vs Captain Badd
Has S.D. Jones wrestled since WrestleMania II? Did Captain Badd always have a red mask? I need an investigative journalist to help me out here with the important questions.
Winner = S.D. Jones via headbutt? For reals??
S.D. Jones says the UWF is action and this is the "new" S.D. Jones. New means old?
Ask The Wrestlers
This sure is a loaded question. Albano's answer: "the finest attitudes!" Unsaid reality answer: GIMME DRUGS AND BOOZE AND YOUNG WOMEN attitude. Albano suggests drinking hot water in the morning and eating boiled ham to get a body like him. Herb isn't feeling generous today, so the Kleine family are only going to receive one UWF hat that they will all have to share.
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff drinks protein shakes like a real man!
Steel Cage Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
There is a new ring announcer and he's even more devoid of charisma than the previous one. We get a wide shot of the ring showing the steel cage in the middle of a ballroom in an old-fashioned New York hotel in front of maybe around 100 people and it is just a bizarre visual.
It also looks like the whole thing could topple down on the crowd at any time.
Orndorff gets Williams down and immediately tries to climb over the top of the cage. So we're doing the WWF 'escape the cage' rule? That's... weak. Especially considering this was all about Orndorff wanting to get revenge. Orndorff is bleeding, which can only be a blade job because he hasn't even been close to hitting the cage. In fact, both guys seem to be doing their best to avoid touching the structure - likely due to safety reasons. I mean, it's being held up by fucking base plates that are inside the fucking ring! 'Dr. Death' does the most blatant blade job right in front of the camera. Again - this shit is taped! Holy balls there is even a camera man inside the ring for this. That seems unwise. 'Dr. Death' tries to climb out of the cage but he falls on his balls, so Orndorff just walks out the cage door OH NO HE DOES NOT!
Terry Gordy slams the cage door Orndorff.
The bell rings and the match is over??
Well of course we had to get a clusterfuck finish!
Gordy gets in the cage and stomps Orndorff. Cactus Jack is randomly here to guard the doorway so no one can help Orndorff, so Don Muraco comes out and fights with all the bad guys and we've got a crazy brawl... until the good guys are all dead.
Draw via double-disqualification
Bruno says the referee was out and doesn't know what happened. So why did the bell ring as soon as Gordy appeared? Who called for an end to the match? I assumed 'Dr. Death' was disqualified since Gordy interfered on his behalf, but Craig assures me it was a double-disqualification. What did 'Mr. Wonderful' do to get disqualified? I actually had to look this up online because Prime forbid I give my valued readers the incorrect result...
Thoughts:
- Herb being coked up and shouting is the best thing about this show.
- Once again, I was having fun until the ending. Shit like that hurts my brain.
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