Jim Kelly June Jamboree: The Tattoo Connection (1978)

THE MOVIE

We open in some sort of shipping yard, where a dude is challenging a gang. This dude is called Lee Tung Hao and he wants someone in the gang called Fat Dog to come with him, but I think the leader of the gang says Fat Dog belongs to him and they have to fight. Of course, Tung Hao wins and the gang leader is all 'Hey you are great! Fat Dog is all yours!'. Fat Dog stole money from their gang boss, Mr. Lu, and Tung Hao wants him to come back - promising him he will make sure no one kills him. It is here I will point out that this is a Hong Kong film from 1978, so all the dialogue is hilariously overdubbed with silly British accents and there are more camera zooms than can jokes I can make.

Tung Hao takes Fat Dog back to Mr. Lu's gang... and then exiles him. Makes sense.

Cue funky music!

So Mr. Lu's gang rob some dude of some diamonds. The insurance company send in an ex-CIA agent to to investigate; it's my main man Jim Kelly!

He at least has been overdubbed with an American accent and quickly gets on the trail, interviewing his buddy George - who was the guy robbed of the diamonds - and some guys that were involved in the robbery. But at every turn, Lu's gang is just one step ahead of him. Or at least... on top of him? On moving cars?

Meanwhile, Tung Hao has given the diamond to his Uncle to cut up so they can move it and make millions of dollars. Uncle predicts bad things will come from this. But he'll still cut it for money, because he's not totally stupid. His workshop is on a boat? That seems less than stable to be cutting precious stones. He also seem less than stable on the whole process:

Lucas is back on the trail - now he is investigating a tattoo found on a dead body.

He goes to a tattoo parlour and the dude tries to pretend he wasn't involved, but Lucas ain't no fool! He sends Lucas to talk to Nana, a dancer at Mr. Lu's club. And Tung Hao's secret girlfriend. She pretty much wants nothing to do with Lucas because she's racist or something. He whoops Lu's men so Tung Hao gets involved - but of course the police come before they can determine a winner. Fat dog was watching the whole thing and decides he'll help Lucas figure things out. Of course, Mr. Lu figures out Fat Dog is helping so kills him.

Lucas is getting suspicious of everyone. Tung Hao is getting fed up with Mr. Lu. Mr. Lu is being Mr. Lu, and tries to get Nana to seduce Lucas and kill him with sex. Lucas seems kinda keen on this idea, which is really odd; last time they interacted she was basically repulsed by him, but now she's all over him and getting naked in his hotel room - and he's not suspicious of that?!? Anyways, before she can give him death by snu-snu, Tung Hao busts in and takes Nana home. This, of course, makes Mr. Lu mad because now Lucas is still alive AND his top henchman has been keeping his affair secret. AND the old man on the wobbly boat still hasn't cut the diamond. I mean, you left him on a fucking boat and gave him girls to play Mahjong with - you only have yourself to blame, Lu. And has it been a week already? I mean, surely Lucas could have investigated the tattoo parlours and caught up with Nana in about a day - what else has he been doing with his time? Anyways, Mr. Lu is fed up with the old man, Tung Hao and Lucas, and sets about trying to kill them all - but I'm sure you can figure out how that works out for him.

Death by not snu-snu.

Lucas heads back to America and Tung Hao heads off to prison, though the Hong Kong police think he might be out in time for Christmas so he can spend the holidays with Lucas. Now that is a sequel I could get behind...

REACTION

Pretty much your typical 1978 Hong Kong martial arts film - which suited me quite fine, for the most part. The overdubbed voices did sound particularly silly in this one, though; I'm not quite sure who made the decision to have a big burly Chinese man sound like a cockney pirate teenager from the 13th Century, but I respect their artistic vision. I would be somewhat interested to view the movie again with the original language track, but would be quite surprised if that still existed. Can you believe this was originally promoted in Western countries as Black Belt Jones 2? I mean, Hot Potato was technically that, and it actually made less sense as the sequel.

JIM KELLY

It was a jarring hearing someone else's voice for him in this film... but, realistically, that was probably the least of the problems here. For the most part, Lucas just fumbled his investigation and got into fights. And looked cool doing it.

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Black Samurai (1976)

THE MOVIE

We are back in Hong Kong, where some ugly dudes are following a girl while she shops. Turns out she's a rude bitch.

The girl is some government dude's daughter and these ugly guys are going to kidnap her? Are we playing 'Let's Try That Again'?!? And what's with the seductive music while she gets kidnapped? Before I can answer, the opening credits are here with an awesome theme and all sorts of epilepsy.

It's my main man - Jim Kelly! And he's giving some lady a whooping... in tennis.

The Man turns up and says he needs to get back to work and go after a bad dude called Agustus Janicott, "a high priest of the occult" who uses his slaves as drug runners and prostitutes. Jim Kelly is Robert Sand, an agent for an organisation called D.R.A.G.O.N. - and he doesn't appreciate The Man interrupting his vacation, so no matter what they say about this dude, he is not interested. Until they explain that he is behind the kidnapping we saw earlier. And the girl kidnapped isn't just a government dude's daughter - she is Sand's secret girlfriend, Toki! Of course, he is now on the case!

Sand flies to wherever this is all going down and is immediately under attack from the bad guys; they attack him in his car and they attack him while at home doing some training.

But of course Sand just whoops their butts and then crashes Janicott's party. Well, he had an invite from somewhere, but he proceeds to hit on Janicott's main girl in the most hilariously arrogant and uninterested way that I'm sure he won't be welcome for long.

You can tell Janicott is a real high-roller, because his parties feature a 20-piece Mexican band, a drugged up white girl dancing badly, and... a buzzard. Janicott invited Sand as some sort of trap, so throws his whole party out of the window by starting a rumble with him. What a shitty host. Sand walks along rooftops and whoops all of Janicott's men - including stomping some dude's balls and calling him "Whitey fa***t!".

Pretty sure that's a hate crime there, Sand. 

Then he beats up more dudes, and a couple of midgets, before making his escape. Janicott expresses his disappointment with his top henchman/black gay pirate, Bones, who just responds with "That's okay".

Janicott feeds an old white dude to his snakes to make an example of him. I mean, I would think that sort of thing would make Sand happy? Maybe the black gay pirate, too? Anyways, Sand goes on the hunt for his beloved Toki; first to one of Janicott's businesses (where he gets in another rumble), and then to one of his associates' house - via a fucking jet pack!

There, he fights with some jungle men and is forced to kill another midget. Dude is just committing hate crimes all over the place. Turns out Toki is actually at Janicott's house, so it's back there to stop her being sacrificed for one of his black magic rituals or something. Sand must defeat the gay pirate Bones and then finally put a stop to Janicott and his evil ways, so that he and Toki can live happily ever after!

REACTION

Now this is a Jim Kelly movie! It is quite a low-budget affair, and certainly doesn't have the charm or comedic fun that you find in something like Black Belt Jones, but this more of hard-nosed action movie with no nonsense and violence. Lots of violence. And okay, there is nonsense. Like fighting midgets and dudes dressed in loincloths. One of the more entertaining features of the film is all the hilarious ADR that gets thrown in all the time; someone might be walking the street and suddenly they will be saying something - but clearly not talking. It's especially fun during the fight scenes where they've added Jim Kelly just insulting people while he fights them. During his last fight with Bones, they both talk smack constantly in ADR - but only when the shot is of the other person, i.e. you'll have a close-up of Bones, while Jim Kelly is taunting him "Hit me - come on hit me! You are going down!"

JIM KELLY
My man was just absolutely ruthless as Robert Sand. It felt like all he cared about was himself and Toki, and he showed absoltely zero mercy to anyone in his way. Even midgets. And it was nice to see him not bowing to The Man again. Also (spoiler alert), the way he finished off Janicott was pretty darn cold. And he flew a fucking jet pack! After Hot Potato, this was exactly what was needed. Oh and I almost forgot! He defeated a fucking buzzard!

I need to watch again and figure out what D.R.A.G.O.N. stands for. Highly recommended you don't mess with Robert Sand!

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Hot Potato (1975)

THE MOVIE
A US Senator's daughter has been kidnapped in a place called Chang-Lon, by a madman called Carter Rangoon. He's crazy, but wise: "A long journey begins - not ends - with the first step". 

Some army dude spends 6 minutes on the phone to the Senator reassuring him that they have it under control and are sending their best men. He hangs up the phone and asks the other army people where Chang-Lon is. COMEDY

Anyways, the only man that can take this job is Jones. And yes, it's my main man Jim Kelly.

And this time he's hanging out with a lot of white people; including his partner Johnny Chicago. When did Jones need a fucking partner? Or white people in his life that weren't just there to get karate kicked in the junk? Johnny Chicago complains about his payment for this job. Repeatedly. Jones and Chicago meet up with their contact in Thailand - a Chinese woman who happens to be from the army or something, because they spend the rest of the movie calling her "Sarge". But that doesn't matter right now, because of course they mistake her for a prostitute - because she's Asian, get it? MORE COMEDY.

Meanwhile, Carter Rangoon is spouting off all sorts of proverbs like he's Roger Moore in Spice World. He's kinda dressed like him too. "Necessity, besides being the mother of invention, can also be the wife of deception." His plan is to keep the Senator's daughter and let the good guys capture some other girl that looks exactly like her. I have no idea why. But he has pet tigers that eat people who don't get his metaphors and life-lessons, so he's got that going for him.

Before going to rescue the girl, they go pick up the last member of their bad comedy troupe team, a big fat disgusting white dude called White Rhino, or Leonardo. Or I give no fucks. He's having an eating competition against a chubby lady, and he wins by eating mashed potatoes from his hands. Look, if you wanna be fat - be fat. But at least have some fucking hygiene and use eating utensils. Of course, this makes him irresistible to women. MORE FUCKING COMEDY.

So the "good guys" turn up to Rangoon's compound and proceed to take part in the worst fucking movie fight scene I have ever seen, take the fake Senator's daughter, and make a break for it. However, Jones feels the whole thing was too easy, so now he's suspicious. Too easy? Y'all fought like 100 men and broke down their compound with a herd of Elephants. After they leave, Rangoon discovers that the fake Senator's daughter actually stole some important documents from him, so he sends his men to kill her. So... you didn't need to send a double at all? And being attacked constantly in the jungle just makes Jones more suspicious. 

Standard jungle villain attire...

And then out of nowhere, Johnny Chicago tells Jones he's falling in love with the Senator's daughter. Like, I don't even think I've seen them have a conversation? And Jones and "Sarge" are falling in love, despite the only stuff they've talked about is how much they don't trust the Senator's daughter? Also, there is more COMEDY with Leonardo the Rhino being a fat piece of shit, but honestly, fuck that right now.

Eventually, Rangoon catches up with our "heroes" and kills the fake Senator's daughter and then tells them all she was a fraud. Or she admitted to it. Like it matters - bitch is dead and Johnny Chicago is heartbroken. After another riddle to make them rethink what they know about the universe, he takes them back to his compound where they must defeat his men and escape with the real Senator's daughter. Or listen to more nonsense proverbs about listening with no ears, I guess.

REACTION

This was the whitest movie Jim Kelly made. True story; at one point, I put down my hot chocolate and yelled at the no one around that I had had enough. I checked the display and only 16 minutes had passed. So much of it was supposed to be funny, but really none of it was. It was just slapstick nonsense and bad acting and bad everything. Carter Rangoon and his madcap proverbs of nonsense were actually entertaining, I will give it that, but Rhino and Johnny bickering about hats and pay and other stupid shit just made me long for the days when I was watching Three the Hard Way. The only actual moments of humour involved people speaking in random Asian languages and Sarge translating them entirely ridiculously; e.g. some old lady said to them "気をつけてね" and Sarge translated that as the old lady telling Rhino he looked like elephant in lingerie or something. But that's probably only funny if you understand what all these people are saying in the first place, so unless you understand Japanese, Thai, Cantonese and Mandarin, these jokes aren't going to work for you.

JIM KELLY

This pains me to say, but this was my man's worst performance to date. That's not to say it is all on him; he wasn't really the leading man - it was more of an ensemble of shit that drove the movie - and he wasn't given anything good to work with here. His job seemed to be just walking around, talking to Sarge and making a few innuendoes here and there. Most of the "story" seemed to revolve around the fucking fat dude and his storing of food in his clothes and being attractive to women. Because that is COMEDY.

It's bizarre; this movie was written by the same guys that wrote Black Belt Jones and is clearly designed to be a sequel, yet it lacks absolutely everything that made Black Belt Jones so awesome. I would recommend never watching this movie. Never. Ever. Never ever never.

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Take a Hard Ride (1975)

THE MOVIE
We begin with a bounty hunter (Lee Van Cleef) having a bit of a standoff with some wanted man that he has tracked down. Dude tries to deny he is the man in question, and then some friends of his or something are like "We don't take kindly to bounty hunters around here". So you'd rather have criminals? They draw, Bounty Hunter wins - story over?

Pike (Jim Brown) and his boss, Morgan, are in town to sell cattle. They cross paths with the bounty hunter, and he and Pike make some serious eye contact. Foreboding?

Anyways, they are in town to sell some cattle and take the money back to their hometown, which is actually in Mexico, I think. Morgan suddenly drops dead, but not before making Pike promise him he will deliver the money to their hometown. Word gets out that there is a solo black man riding around with $86,000 and all the bad dudes in the area are keen to take him out and get that money for themselves - including our bounty hunter from earlier and a couple of losers that worked for Morgan. A dandy by the name of Tyree (Fred Williamson) gets wind of all this and, after helping Pike fight off a few low-lives, they make a deal that Tyree will help him cross the border - but after that, he will fight him for the money.

Along the way, they rescue a woman named Catherine and her friend, Kashtok, from a group of bandits that have attacked her group and murdered her husband. Kashtok is, in fact, my main Jim Kelly - sans moustache! He is a Native American. With no tongue - so he can not speak. Huh... 

He can still do karate, though.

So they all travel together to the Mexican border, battling off attack after attack - including some church group coming after them with a machine gun. Catherine and Pike talk a lot about redemption and second chances in life. More foreboding? Anyways, they eventually make it to the border - where Tyree lives up to his end of the deal by getting into a rumble with Pike for the money. But before they can decide on a winner, the bounty hunter turns up with a veritable army of bandits. They have one last standoff for a winner takes all kind of deal. I guess...

REACTION
Well, there wasn't really much to say about this film. It was fine, and certainly not awful, but I can't help but feel like there was something missing. It came across as somewhat of a low-budget made for TV western.

And I'm not sure how I felt about Fred Williamson and his Louisiana drawl... But what actually worked for the film was Jim Brown; dude had some kind of earnest quality that makes you see him as a good guy, so you always had that trust that he was doing the right thing. And also, I was surprised that race wasn't such a big plot point. Sure, the N word got thrown around a little, but mostly by Tyree; no one seemed to make too big of a deal about Morgan's right-hand man being African-American. Which was somewhat unexpected. So yeah, I came in expecting some type of Blaxploitation Western, but really got more of a Western that just happened to have a couple of Blaxploitation heroes in the lead.

JIM KELLY
I'll say again. He was portraying a Native American. Who could not speak. But knew karate. He still didn't do enough butt-whooping for me - and he wore a hat the whole time that covered up that afro! It felt like a bit of a waste, but at the same time it was a role that relied heavily on him conveying emotions and expressing them without words.

I like that we got something a little bit different, but the movie lacks something that stops it from being just... there. Fine Sunday afternoon viewing or something, but not anything you need to go out of your way to watch. Unless you are watching every Jim Kelly movie...

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Golden Needles (1974)

THE MOVIE
"In China, during the Sung Dynasty, a single golden statue was cast for the use of the Emperor. It indicated 7 forbidden acupuncture points. Used in correct sequence, they brought about extraordinary sexual vigour and youth. Used incorrectly they brought instant and painful death. Stolen, hidden, lost and rediscovered through the centuries, the statue has come to be known as The Golden Needles of Ecstasy."

And thus our film begins...
Some old dude has this statue in his possession, and contrary to the opening monologue, doesn't seem to be using it for sex, but instead it seems to be giving him strength. Where he was once feeble and confined to a wheelchair, he can now walk and move his hands like a mostly normal person. Good for him! Some dudes disagree, and raid the place with motherfucking flamethrowers! Holy shit that feels overkill. They burn everyone and everything to ground and steal the statue.

The next day, some lady is wanting to buy the statue from the bad dudes - who seem to run a legitimate business, like all good bad dudes should. But they've decided she isn't paying enough, and... her neck isn't colourful enough?

So instead, she decides to use the money she was going to pay them to hire someone to steal it for her. She's introduced to Dan, a loser American living his best (worst?) life in Hong Kong. He agrees to do it for $30,000 and sex. What? So he steals the statue and gives it to his friend to ship to America for her, while he gets his 'payment'. Yuck. Of course, the bad guys know him - he's a goofy white dude in Hong Kong in 1974 and is a known fixture in the gambling parlours and shit. His plan sucked. Anyways, bad guys kill his business partner and tell him he has to get the statue back, so he follows the lady to America. And who is waiting for him at the airport? Why, of course - it's my main man Jim Kelly!

Jeff (Jim Kelly) is Dan's friend and another antiques expert or something. They go to Dan's hotel and his lady from Hong Kong is in his bathtub having a bubble bath. It's here I realise I have no fucking clue what is going on or what dimension this movie is in. Once she gets dressed, they go visit her boss - the guy she was supposed to be buying the statue for. It's Burgess Meredith! And he's completely fucking off his rocker! He gave her $300,000 to buy the statue and he still doesn't have it, so he tells the three of them they have 24 hours to bring it to him or he'll disintegrate them. Also the bad dude that she tried to buy the statue from is... in the dining room? Oh, he and Burgess Meredith are in cahoots. So he knows she ripped him off - because she was going to pay this dude $100,000 and keep the rest for herself. And also doesn't make a lot of sense. 

Anyways, they find the statue and get it to him in time... except it turns out to be a fake, and subsequently kills his bodyguard for trying the needles first. That's why being a gentlemen and letting others go before you is smart. So, Dan has to head back to Hong Kong (sans Jeff - maybe they didn't have the budget to pay for Jim Kelly's flights?) and ends up running across Hong Kong being chased by... well, half of Hong Kong. Which is pretty remarkable, considering this dude is clearly not in the best physical shape. Other than round.

Dan kills the bad Asian dude, some Government agents take the statue, and Dan and his lady crook live happily ever after. Until Burgess Meredith finds out about all this, I guess...

REACTION

This was one gonzo ride! This was the third Robert Clouse film I've watched this week (he also directed Enter the Dragon and Black Belt Jones). Shit got crazier each movie. None of this was nearly as crazy as the other Robert Clouse movie I've seen (Game of Death), but this was pretty close. It just seemed to flitter between serious noir and B-grade nonsense, while the actors continued to play it straight. Except for Burgess Meredith, who just used his 15 minutes to go off the chain! However, I just don't get the stuff between Dan and the lady; like, she ripped him off, and her boss, and is directly responsible for Dan's mentor in Hong Kong being murdered and Dan and Jeff being caught up in all this. Yet he's smitten with her for the entire movie. Again; her boss gave her $300,000 to buy the statue. The evil Asian dude offered it to her for $250,000. That's still $50,000 profit for her. AND a lot of people would still be alive. Selfish bitch.

JIM KELLY

I actually quite enjoyed him as the foil to the all-round 'meh' that was the main character. And he got in some fun karate fighting when given the opportunity (which wasn't nearly enough); when they found the statue, it was in some fancy health club - which led to a wacky karate fight with bad guys throughout the club. If there was a room in this building, Jim Kelly was going to whoop a bad guy in there and be told to get out by some old white guy!

And then Jim Kelly's character just... disappears. I can only assume Burgess Meredith hired him to be his new bodyguard/best friend and they started their own antiques store together.

A somewhat fun and bizarre adventure that is as baffling as it is annoying. I do recommend... someone ups Robert Clouse's medication before he makes a movie with the worst Bruce Lee photoshop jobs in cinema history.

Too late!

Jim Kelly June Jamboree: Three The Hard Way (1974)

THE MOVIE
We start things off at some sort of farm-prison-camp-type-thing, where an inmate(?) is serving food to other inmates. Eventually he breaks free and steals a gun, shooting a bunch of the guards - and getting shot himself, but still managing to escape. He makes his way to his good friend and clearly very successful record producer, Jimmy (Jim Brown), who gets him to a hospital. Jimmy wants to know what happened, but the dude is too traumatised. So Jimmy's girlfriend convinces him to leave her in charge at the hospital and head back to the studio, because he needs to get back to telling The Inspirations they look bad and sound worse (he said it, not me!).

Of course, once he leaves, the bad dudes come in and kill the escaped prisoner and kidnap Jimmy's woman.

Then the bad guys start chasing Jimmy and trying to kill him - and not particularly subtly, either. 

Meanwhile, Jimmy's woman is taken back to the home of Monroe Feather. He's says he has a plan to wipe African-Americans off the face of the Earth with science. 

So Jimmy heads to Chicago and hits up his other pal, Jagger (Fred Williamson)

and then they both go meet up with their other good friend, Mister Keyes - my main man, Jim Kelly! With a funky new moustache.

After a battle with the bad guys in a car wash (does Jim Kelly just enjoy keeping clean while busting fools?) they capture one of these clowns and Keyes enlists the help of three topless women to torture him. Yes, you read that correct. Anyways, the dude is so emotionally scarred by seeing naked boobs that he tells them all about Feather's evil plan to poison the water supply with a chemical that will only kill Africans. He even tells them it's all going down in L.A., Detroit and Washington! Then, he promptly dies - boobs are scary, yo!

From there, our heroes go on an all-out attack to put an end to Feather's plans; each man takes a city and whoops Feather's henchmen before they can contaminate the waters. African-American people are now safe! Apart from, you know, all the racism and police brutality. But then they reunite and head to Feather's home, where he is hosting some sort of Nazi dinner or some bullshit. So they need to bust in, save Jimmy's woman, and put a stop to Feather and his Nazi bullshit once and for all!

REACTION
Where Black Belt Jones was a tour de force of action-comedy, Three the Hard Way is just a straight action movie with a sprinkling of humour, and some serious race issues driving the absolutely bonkers plot. Having these three iconic actors come together for the first time, I did come in with high expectations that weren't quite met. But overall, it is still an entertaining and fast-paced ride. Jim Brown and Fred Williamson always deliver when you need some tough dudes to dish out justice.

JIM KELLY
Mister Keyes is one bad mutha! His introduction in the movie involves being setup by the pigs by planting drugs in his car, and he just don't play that! He explains that his first name is in fact "Mister" - his mother named him that so people would be forced to show him respect. Then he just takes that respect by beating up the entire Chicago police force for being dishonest pigs trying to set him up.

My favourite part here was when he is standing over all the carnage of smashed police cars and unconscious police officers, Jimmy and Jagger appear, and then these dudes have a bit of a chat, like they are just running in to each other at a cafe or something and not a fucking warzone. That Keyes should probably be fleeing as quickly as possible. But then again, I think that speaks to how much of a total badass the man is - he just gives zero fucks! Come and get him, you dirty racist pigs! Also of note; when they are infiltrating Feather's house, all three men are dressed in black - because, you know, blending in with the night or whatever. But as soon as they actually start their plan to get inside, Keyes ditches his top and just decides to go shirtless for the whole operation. Good stuffs.

If you're looking for three black men blowing shit up and whooping Nazis, then I have the movie for you...