WrestleMania March Madness, Day One: WrestleMania

31 March 1985
Madison Square Garden
New York City, New York - USA
Attendance: 19,121

Commentators: Jesse Ventura and Gorilla Monsoon

My thoughts before this viewing:
I have actually only seen this event once before - and that first viewing was only about 4 years ago. Bizarre to think that someone so obsessed with pro-wrestling at various points in their life would have not seen the first WrestleMania until then. But it is what it is. I enjoyed it when I watched it, which was also a highly edited version - the edits annoyed me to no end. Hopefully this is just as enjoyable the second time around.

Opening Video Package
And I have already spilled some veges on my t-shirt...

Tiny montage the likes someone could make in MS Paint. I made something similar when I wanted a great Miami Vice desktop wallpaper and couldn't find anything out there that interested me. The background music for this is awesome. I didn't make anything like this for my Miami Vice desktop wallpaper, mainly because the music in Miami Vice was awesome. This theme would have fit in nicely on Miami Vice.

I could totally go for some Miami Vice after this.
What? I have to watch 30 more WrestleManias? Pretty sure the Miami Vice vibe would have passed by then - I won't bother getting my DVDs out of storage, then.
5/10

National Anthem Time
To get us under way, here is 'Mean' Gene Okerlund to sing the American national anthem. Accapella. And it is quite obvious he does not have perfect pitch. Or good timing. Unless he is actually trying to sing this as fast as possible to get it over and done with. I applaud your decision, Gene!
Jesse Ventura just compared him to Robert Goulet. I don't remember Gene Okerlund guesting on The Simpsons and Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place...
4/10

Lord Alfred Hayes looks petrified as he opens "Wrestling Mania".

Backstage
'Mean' Gene talks to Tito Santana who says he is going to win. This is followed by The Executioner who is awful and stumbles on all his lines. Apparently he wants to make it clear to Tito that he is a "big leaguer"
3/10

Opening Match

Tito Santana vs The Executioner
The Executioner is from Parts Unknown. His weight is unknown. His height is unknown. How the hell did this guy get a wrestling license if no one knows anything about him?
Jesse Ventura just compared WrestleMania to Woodstock. Sure, I guess - Woodstock was all about peace and love, while WrestleMania is all about beating each other up. Totally the same. And where are all the naked hippies?
The crowd is super excited here. Like, really excited. It is fun.
Winner = Tito Santana via figure 4 leglock
Simple fun match.
6/10

You know that video of that little fat kid on camera who just looks like he is super happy but crapping his pants at the same time? Well, imagine that with an old guy and you have Lord Alfred Hayes as he hangs out around the entrance to the arena.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with Special Delivery (S.D.) Jones. Funky black dudes always win the promo wars. Then King Kong Bundy comes in and yells a lot about squashing him
7/10

SD Jones vs King Kong Bundy (w/Jimmy Hart)
Bundy is billed at 458 pounds but the announcers aren't buying it - they think he's closer to 500!
I think maybe 200 instead, but I'm not exactly an expert.
Bundy won with a splash before I could even think of that joke. That's why it is so unfunny.
Winner = King Kong Bundy via pinfall following big splash
3/10

Now Gorilla thinks Bundy weighs over 500 pounds. Bundy must have consumed SD Jones' soul when he beat him. Or perhaps the 'Special Delivery' means he brought pizza for everyone. Except Bundy ate them all. Selfish jerk

Lord Alfred Hayes returns to give himself a heart attack.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with Matt Borne who can't stop pointing. Must be his gimmick. Ricky Steamboat then comes out and cuts a promo featuring the first 'brother' of the night.
4/10

Ricky Steamboat vs Matt Borne
Glorified squash match. Minus the glory.
Winner = Ricky Steamboat via pinfall following cross body block off the top rope
5/10

Back to Lord Alfred Hayes. I just realised he is holding a WrestleMania programme and is shaking like a washing machine on extra spin.
Brutus Beefcake just walked past and yelled at him for being in his way. Brutus Beefcake is awesome.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with David Sammartino and his father, Bruno Sammartino. Bruno is fucking awesome even in a faded mustard jacket that Vince McMahon obviously made him wear "Here, Bruno I'm not appearing on the show tonight so I wouldn't want wrestling fans to think our broadcasters have any sense of style."
'Luscious' Johnny Valiant talks for Brutus which is stupid because Brutus is awesome. Gene tells them all to shut up and leave.
3/10

David Sammartino (w/Bruno Sammartino) vs Brutus Beefcake (w/Luscious Johnny Valiant)
Beefcake and Valiant have changed outfits since their interview. So has Bruno. In fact, Bruno is wearing such an old man jumper that it looks like he just came from reading the newspaper in Central Park after losing a game of chess to a wise old Chinese man. Bruno wouldn't take that crap and bodyslammed the old Chinese dude into a retirement home, hence the relaxing with a newspaper before heading to WrestleMania and winding down by beating up some bad guys.

David Sammartino is wider than a really wide thing. His shortness only helps to accentuate it.
Beefcake is on all fours and Jesse mentions the crowd are getting a good view...
Bad guys cheat and Bruno doesn't stand for that so he beats them up, which leads to the match being thrown out.
OK back and forth match, but really just an excuse to get Bruno on the show.
As well he should be.
Double disqualification
5/10

Back to Lord Alfred Hayes and Jimmy Hart just laughs at him. I do too.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene talks to Greg 'the Hammer' Valentine and Jimmy Hart. They say nothing and leave. Junkyard Dog comes in and says nothing. Well, nothing I can understand - except he wants a bone...
1/10

WWF Inter-Continental Heavyweight Championship
Junkyard Dog vs Greg 'the Hammer' Valentine (c) (w/Jimmy Hart)

JYD comes out to Another One Bites the Dust so he is immediately the best person in the match. Then he wrestles and undoes all the goodwill that song gave him.
Gorilla confuses a punch for a headbutt. They are very similar; sometimes, I like to wear hats on my fists just to confuse people. Then when they talk to my hand, they think I am a ventriloquist when I talk back. Great times. Unlike this match, which is shit.
I just noticed the referee is wearing his pants up to his armpits - what a nerd.
And I think Jesse just said something about victory smelling like dog food...
Winner = Greg 'the Hammer' Valentine via cheating pinfall with feet on the ropes
1/10

Tito Santana comes to tell the ref he sucks. The ref agrees and orders the match to continue, so Valentine just refuses to get in the ring and is counted out.
Winner = Junkyard Dog via countout
Which doesn't mean shit because the belt doesn't change hands on a countout.
Fuck you.
-2/10

I can't tell if the crowd is chanting "Tito" or "Cheater"
Either chant is just as lame as the other.

Back to Lord Alfred Hayes with a great line: "Both these teams have pointed opinions. Let's us hear some more about these opinions they had to express"

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with the The Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff and 'Classy' Freddie Blassie. The Iron Sheik's moustache is fantastic! His promo skills are not.
In comes Captain Lou Albano with Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham. The fish hooks hanging from Albano's face distract from everything.
2/10

WWF Tag-Team Championship
Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo (c) (w/Capt. Lou Albano) vs The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff (w/'Classy' Freddie Blassie)
Blassie is from Hollywood, so why is he hanging out with a bunch of commies? Doesn't he know that is the stuff that gets you banned from Hollywood?
The Iron Sheik says Iran is #1. And Russia is #1. His math is shit.
The good guys come out to Born in the USA - hilarious how much the lyrics don't actually fit with the theme of this match...
Sheik hits Windham from behind with a candy cane or something, which leads to Volkoff getting the pin
Winners = The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff via assault with international object
New champions!
5/10

The Iron Sheik grabs a mic and reiterates his lack of understanding of how rankings work. The crowd boos because they have all been to next year and have seen Highlander, so they know there can be only one. Then they go forward another 6 years and see Highlander II: The Quickening, so they have even more to boo about.

Backstage
Straight to 'Mean' Gene - have they quit on Lord Alfred Hayes already?
He questions the bad guys but then decides its back to ringside when they start answering.
1/10

Gorilla is mad about the title change.
I'm mad because it is back to Lord Alfred Hayes and his inability to not fuck up his lines:
"John Studd says I am the only true champion giant and the Andre the Giant says I am the giant!"

And yes, he really did say "the Andre the Giant".

Backstage
'Mean' Gene is with Big John Studd and Bobby Heenan showing off a bag of money. Remember when $15,000 was a lot of money? Still a lot of money to me. That's because I am poor.
7/10

Shill for WrestleMania merch. $8 for a Mr. T & Hulk Hogan poster? Send me three!
I don't need the t-shirt though because I printed my own.
I told you I am poor.
5/10 for the funky background music.

INTERMISSION

$15,000 Slam Match
Andre the Giant vs Big John Studd (w/Bobby Heenan)
If Andre wins, he gets a bag of money. If Andre can't slam Studd, Andre has to retire.
I'm all for matches like this where you have two huge dudes facing off. Except when in the ring with the Giant, Studd looks like me standing next to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently Andre wears a size 23 shoe. Then it changes to a size 24. Last time I checked my shoes were a 44 so my dick must be twice as big as Andre's.
My math is better than The Iron Sheik's.
Studd tries to slam Andre but fails. Silly Studd doesn't realise this isn't WrestleMania III and he isn't Hulk Hogan. Andre slams Studd and wins the money, throwing it into the crowd. So Bobby Heenan sneaks in and steals the money back before running to the back with Studd.
Winner = Andre the Giant via bodyslam
Good fun!
6/10

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with Andre - once again they cut back when he starts talking. Why bother with these segments if you don't want to hear the answers?
1/10

Lord Alfred Hayes continues his bumbling. The Fabulous Moolah kisses him on the cheek and he freaks out at a woman being near him.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper - Lauper just talks all sorts of trash because she is cool. Moolah and Leilani Kai say they will win but Gene asks them not to cheat.
Silly Gene...
6/10

WWF Women's Championship
Wendi Richter (w/Cyndi Lauper) vs Leilani Kai (c) (w/ The Fabulous Moolah)
The Fink says "Ladies championship" but the graphics say "Women's championship". Good to know WWF didn't know what they were doing 30 years ago.
Richter & Lauper come out to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
25 year-old Logman would totally party with 1985 Cyndi Lauper - she is awesome.

Wow - she is actually 31 here! I'm not sure if she is 31 year-old Logman's type...
Compared to everything else on this show so far, this match is like Bret Hart vs Sting. I'm going to go out on a limb and say this will be the best women's match I see in all 31 WrestleManias.
Winner = Windi Richter via reversal of crossbody block by Kai into a pin
New champion! And the crowd is going bananas!
7/10

Backstage
'Mean' Gene with Wendi and Cyndi. They are partying and very happy - Gene doesn't know what to do.
4/10

MAIN EVENT
Hulk Hogan & Mr. T (w/'Superfly' Jimmy Snuka) vs 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper & 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff (w/'Cowboy' Bob Orton)
Guest Ring Announcer: Billy Martin. Apparently, he means something. Bring back Cyndi!
Guest Time Keeper: Liberace. He comes out with The Rockettes - they do the 'can can' to New York, New York. He has dressed pretty tame for Liberace.
Guest Referee: Muhammad Ali. Except you can't hear the announcement over the fans chanting "Ali! Ali". Because it is freekin' Muhammad Ali!

A full Scottish pipeband lead out the bad guys.
Eye of the Tiger brings out the Hulkster and Mr. T!

According to Gorilla, Mr. T has been living off tuna and water for the past 3 weeks in preparation for this match. So he will probably run out of energy as soon as he actually does anything.

Lots of brawling. Mr. T beats up some people and the crowd goes nuts. Hogan beats up some people and the crowd goes nuts. Piper and Orndorff cheat a lot against Hogan and the crowd boos. After getting a serious beatdown, Hogan finally tags in Mr. T who only stays in the ring for about a minute before tagging back in Hogan - I guess 30 seconds is plenty of time to recover from a beatdown, because now he is unstoppable! Which leads to more cheating and more brawling.
Piper and Orndorff double-team Hogan, so Mr. T runs in and takes out Piper. Then Orton tries to interfere but it backfires and he takes out Orndorff instead which gets Hogan the pin.
This was MAYHEM!
Winners = Hulk Hogan & Mr. T via pinfall following Orton hitting Orndorff
8/10

The bad guys run away but leave Orndorff behind. The good guys celebrate.

Backstage
'Mean' Gene talks with the good guys backstage. Mr. T cuts a Mr. T promo on the bad guys. Hogan does Hogan. Snuka makes no sense. He should stick to getting away with murder - he is much better at that.
7/10

Holy shit - Jesse Ventura is wearing the greatest outfit on the planet!

Cue ending music - Axel F. Just so you are reminded this is 1985 and life is good.
What? It's 2015 and life is not good?
Fuck you, I have 30 more WrestleManias to watch. My life is awesome.


WrestleMania: The Awards

1. Best Match
   Hulk Hogan & Mr. T vs 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper & 'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff
   Other than the women's match, it wasn't even close
2. Worst Match
   Junkyard Dog vs Greg 'the Hammer' Valentine
   It had competition, but that was garbage.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Hulk Hogan and Mr. T celebrating. It's Hulk Hogan. And Mr. T!
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Probably the JYD/Valentine match. And every segment featuring Lord Alfred Hayes
5. Star of the Show
   Hulk Hogan, because he got the pin in the main event. Mr. T was pretty close behind, though. The "T" chants were huge.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Mr. T. Duh - did you expect me to mention anyone else?
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   Librace. Only because I don't class Billy Martin as any sort of celebrity.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight's wrap was spinach, kale, cucumber, tomato, capsicum, red onion and alfalfa sprouts with basil pesto.Very simple and clean but could probably have used some type of dressing, like maybe honey mustard. The Oatmeal Creme Pie was just right to finish it off and didn't kill me. Pepsi Max helped quench my thirst and keep me awake.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Still good - only gained a couple of small stains.
10. Overall Score
    Good fun show - is a great example of how fun pro-wrestling was in 1985. Plus Mr. T beats up some dudes. Not as awesomely as he does in The A-Team, but it is still Mr. T beating up dudes. A few celebrities, and average meal and some laughs at the complete awkward that is Lord Alfred Hayes make for an enjoyable show.
    6 out of 10