WrestleMania March Madness, Day Two: WrestleMania II

7 April 1986
Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum
Uniondale, New York - USA
Rosemont Horizon
Rosemont, Illinois - USA
Los Angeles Memorial Sports Arena
Los Angeles, California - USA

Attendance: 40,085 (combined)

Commentators:
New York - Vince McMahon & Susan Saint James
Chicago - Gorilla Monsoon, 'Mean' Gene Okerlund & Cathy Lee Crosby
Los Angeles - Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes & Elvira 

My thoughts before this viewing:
I think I first saw this show when i was about 8. I say "I think" because I totally remember seeing a steel cage match between Hulk Hogan and King Kong Bundy but almost nothing else from this show. So maybe I didn't see the whole show? I watched it again a few years ago and it was OK - nothing special. So let's see how it rocks tonight. However, I am quite tired so it will need to be fun to make an impression...

Opening Video Package
We get some sexy saxophone music and quick little title card to tell us we are in New York. Talk about non-event...

America the Beautiful
No more national anthem, but Ray Charles is here to sing America the Beautiful. And he kills it because he is Ray Charles. Though over the song is lots of war footage. OK... And we end with a picture of Hulk Hogan looking heroic, because he represents truth, justice, and the American way!
6/10

'Mean' Gene says hi from Chicago, then sends us back to New York.
Pointless. Even more pointless? Adding this in here...

Backstage
'Rowdy' Roddy Piper cuts a promo about how much he is going to destroy Mr. T in a boxing match. He didn't say Apollo Creed was his boxing coach, so I'm not sure I believe him.
8/10

Opening Match
'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs The Magnificent Muraco (w/Mr. Fuji)
Instead of backstage promos, we get voice overs from the wrestlers while the match starts.
Orndorff gets racist at Fuji and Susan hits us with our first "uh-oh" of the evening. They will form the basis of her commentary tonight.
They brawl outside and the bell rings - looks like the match was thrown out but no one seems to know what the hell just happend - there is no announcement and the officials all just talk amongst themselves for a day.
Double Countout?
3/10

Total "uh-oh" count for the match = 4

The crowd chants "Bullshit!"
Great way to start the show!

Backstage
Mr. T is getting ready to talk with his fists
10/10

Macho Man cuts a promo about madness. He has that in spades.
8/10

WWF Intercontinental Heavyweight Championship
George 'the Animal' Steele vs 'Macho Man' Randy Savage (c) (w/Miss Elizabeth)
Susan thinks that Elizabeth should be dating Steele instead of Macho Man, so clearly she is either blind or has a mental disorder. Proving my point, Steele runs around the ring like he is impersonating Zoidberg.

Apparently, flowers are not an international object so both men decide to beat each other with them at will. Both Susan and Vince claim that Steele has great respect for women. Interesting... constantly making creepy romantic advances towards a woman that has made it abundantly clear she is not interested? I call that stalking
Winner = Randy Savage via pinfall with feet on the ropes
5/10

Total "uh-oh" count for the match = 19
Susan was on fire. And she didn't stop once the match was over - she still had plenty left in the tank.

Back to Chicago
'Mean' Gene is talking with Big John Studd and Bill Fralic - an American footballer. Studd is very annoyed about him so Fralic calls him "Dud". Burn!
2/10

George Wells vs Jake 'the Snake' Roberts
Vince doesn't believe Jake has a snake in his bag. Good to know you obviously don't bother to watch your own show, Vince. This is like a one-sided squash... until Jake reverses something and wins.
Winner = Jake 'the Snake' Roberts via pinfall following DDT
2/10

Total "uh-oh" count for the match = 6

Jake pulls out his snake while the "uh-oh"s rain down from Susan. In a moment that just sums up this show, Jake is doing his best to make it look like the snake is trying to kill George, but it clearly just wants to walk around the ring and chill out.

Vince and Susan are actually just sitting on some chairs and watching the show like they are on Donahue.

History of the feud between Mr. T and 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper.
Mr. T pities Piper - nothing else matters.
6/10

Backstage in Los Angeles
Jesse Ventura talks to Hulk. They go back and forth and it is all kinds of awesome.
8/10

New York Main Event
10 Round Boxing Match
Mr. T (w/Joe Frazier & The Haiti Kid) vs 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper (w/Bob Orton & Lou Duva)
Guest Ring Announcer: Joan Rivers
Guest Judges: Darryl Dawkins, Cab Calloway & G. Gordon Liddy
Guest Timekeeper: Herb

Cab Calloway is cool and I at least know who Joan Rivers is, but those other guys? You may as well have grabbed a few guys from the local Burger King and sent them out there for all I care

Mr. T looks about twice the size he did last year - I'm guessing he has changed his diet to more than just tuna and water. First round is even. Second round and Piper beats up Mr. T and knocks him down - what complete horseshit! Mr. T must be lulling him into a false sense of security. Round three starts and Mr. T proves me right by beating the snot out of Piper - even punches him out of the ring like Clubber Lang should have done to Rocky. Piper throws his stool at Mr. T to start round 4 and after getting punched in the face too many times, hits the ref and then bodyslams Mr. T to officially launch the first MMA fight.
Winner = Mr. T via disqualification
6/10

Total "uh-oh" count for the match = 17

They announce Mr. T as the winner and the crowd boos.
Fuck you, crowd.
Pretty sure this makes Mr. T the first UFC champion in history.

INTERMISSION

Shill for WrestleMania II merch. The t-shirt is actually cheaper this year - but no poster this time. Music is lame and does not inspire me to purchase goodies.

Vince sends us to Gorilla and 'Mean' Gene in Chicago. They have to share one microphone between them and take turns holding it - gotta love those budget cuts, right guys? Cathy Lee Crosby looks like she just came from Battlestar Galactica.

WWF Women's Championship
Velvet McIntyre vs The Fabulous Moolah (c)
This time the graphic says "Ladies Championship" but the announcer says "Women's championship". One day the WWF will figure out what they want to call this division. Velvet is not wearing shoes and almost falls out of her top when she misses a move, which means Moolah wins?
Winner = The Fabulous Moolah via pinfall following Velvet McIntyre missing a cross body block
2/10

Cathy refuses to mess up her hair by wearing the broadcast headset.

Flag Match
Corporal Kirchner vs Nikolai Volkoff (w/'Classy' Freddie Blassie)
Someone show Blassie a documentary about Charlie Chaplin so he can understand what happens to commie sympathisers in Hollywood...
Kirchner gets Blassie's walking cane and hits Volkoff to get the pin.
Winner = Corporal Kirchner via pinfall following international object
That means he gets to take home the Russian flag... but then forgets to take it - which Gorilla covers for by saying he doesn't want it.
Yawn.
2/10

20-Man Battle Royal - WWF vs NFL
Guest Timekeeper: Clara Peller (the "Where's the beef?" old lady)
Guest referee: Dick Butkus. What a funny name!

Lots of American football players. Lots. Shame I care nothing about American football.
But there is Bret Hart. BRET HART! How dare you boo the Hitman, Chicago! Bunch of savages...
And there is Bruno Sammartino! Why in the blue hell is Bruno here and not at the New York show? Good to know Vince McMahon was a complete dick back then as well.
Andre is just HUGE compared to everyone else in this match. Expect maybe Dan Spivey - he looks even bigger than Big John Studd. Perhaps Andre and Spivey should have done another slam challenge match instead? Bruno is looking short and slow... but then he beats up Studd like his is still a spritely 40 year-old man before being eliminated. Bruno and Bret should have just cleared the ring and had a 20 minute match refereed by Jet Li so the world could implode from the awesome. So much awesome.
Eventually it comes down to Andre the Giant against The Hart Foundation. As awesome as The Hart Foundation are, it is getting close to time for Andre's 3rd dinner so he throws them out and heads backstage to eat a bear.
5/10

Bret probably felt sorry for him and let him win...

Back to Vince and Susan
With 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper, who claims that Mr. T cheated by attacking him with his mohawk. Liar! Then he claims he was out-boxing Mr. T - double liar! Surprisingly, no "uh-oh"s from Susan.
8/10

Back to Chicago
'Mean' Gene is with some NFL guy - he is crying about someone cheating. Fuck off, you jock-douchebag. Here comes The Iron Sheik to talk jibberish and remind us that Iran and Russia are both number one because Highlander came out a month ago and Freddie Blassie is obviously ashamed to take this guy to the movies.
1/10

Chicago Main Event
WWF Tag Team Championship
The British Bulldogs (w/Capt. Lou Albano & Ozzy Osbourne) vs The Dream Team (c) (w/Johnny Valiant)
Ozzy Osbourne looks EXACTLY like Nigel Tufnel from Spinal Tap:

Gorilla and Gene discuss where Lord Alfred Hayes comes from in England because that relates to everything in this match.
Brutus Beefcake is still the man and totally wasted in this spot - he should be main eventing every show with that jacket of his.

Holy shit the Bulldogs are all kinds of awesome! This makes me want to watch some of their matches against The Hart Foundation.
Greg Valentine's head collides with The Dynamite Kid's head and is out.
Winners = The British Bulldogs via pinfall following head collision
New champions!
8/10

Ozzy holds up the belt and celebrates with Capt. Lou like Spinal Tap just won the titles themselves, while the Bulldogs are selling death outside the ring. Hilarious.

Back to Vince and Susan in New York
Vince tries hard to play up the challenge Hulk Hogan faces tonight. Susan just goes 'Yay Hulk!'
2/10

INTERMISSION AGAIN
Buy this t-shirt, dammit!

Now to Los Angeles with Jesse Ventura, our hero from last year Lord Alfred Hayes, and Elvira!
This is the best commentary team by a mile. And Jesse is still the best dressed man in the WWF.

Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat vs Hercules Hernandez
Elvira calls Steamboat a wimp - I guess Jesse has found a kindred spirit.
I zoned out and Steamboat won.
I may need some Pepsi.
Where's my sponsorship, yo?
Winner = Ricky 'the Dragon' Steamboat via pinfall following top rope cross body block
3/10

We cut to Jesse and he questions the director about the cue.
Then the Hulk Hogan/Lord Alfred Hayes video gets all kind of screwed up.
Live TV is a bitch, huh?
7/10 for the hilarity
 
Uncle Elmer vs 'Adorable' Adrian Adonis (w/Jimmy Hart)
Adonis' boobs are almost bigger than Elvira's, who says she does not trust a man with pink leg-warmers.
Winner = 'Adorable' Adrian Adonis via pinfall following top rope headbutt
2/10

WWF play LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN
Pre-recorded promo featuring Hulk Hogan and Lord Alfred Hayes. His Lordship talks shit to Hulk about his injuries, so Hulk tells him who the champ is.
7/10

Tito Santana & Junkyard Dog vs Terry & Hoss Funk (w/Jimmy Hart)
Elvira gets excited at the thought that someone might have a wardrobe malfunction. She also has a thing for Tito, which upsets Jesse.
Match swings from old school match to wild brawl before Terry Funk hits JYD with the Jimmy Hart's megaphone for the pin.
Winners = Terry & Hoss Funk via pinfall following assault with a megaphone
4/10

The chants of "Bullshit!" have now returned. He must be a popular wrestler in the WWF...

Time to build the cage. Jesse and Elvira kill time by making inappropriate jokes about dungeons in her home.

Recap of the Hulk Hogan/King Kong Bundy feud
Bundy attacked Hogan from behind and then gave him a million splashes, damaging Hogan's ribs and lower back. Hogan's doctor has told him not to go through with the match but Hulk has to defend his belt for all the Hulkamaniacs.
8/10

Backstage
Jesse with King Kong Bundy and Bobby Heenan. Bundy says he is sending Hogan to the hospital and will be the new champion - "Hulk Hogan doesn't have to like it!"
Why would he like you beating him up and taking his title?
Bobby Heenan is so awesome Jesse starts smiling.
8/10

Main Event
WWF World Heavyweight Championship
Hulk Hogan (c) vs King Kong Bundy (w/Bobby Heenan)
Guest Ring Announcer: Tommy Lasorda (WHO???)
Guest Timekeeper: Ricky Schroder
Guest Referee: Robert Conrad

Wow. Talk about a downgrade from the previous year. When Ricky Schroder is your biggest star, you know you got problems.

Hulk comes out to Real American and shakes the cage. That song would pump me up, too. Oh wait - it does! In fact, I think this was the only real song used all night.
Lord Alfred Hayes talks about Hulk having a great strategy while he gets choked out by Bundy - seems like a sound strategy, for sure!
Hogan goes for a body slam but Bundy is too fat. Being too fat is an underrated skill in pro-wrestling.
Bundy is bleeding which makes Elvira hungry.
Hogan 'hulks up' and slams Bundy! Then hits the mighty leg drop of doom and climbs out of the cage like a boss.
Winner = Hulk Hogan
5/10

Hulk then chases Heenan into the cage and beats him up for good measure. Because all good heroes should beat up smaller and weaker men.

Elvira tells Jesse if he can beat up Hulk she will go out with him. What a gold digger.

Back to Vince just so he can have the last word.
Fuck you and your ego, Vince.

Shill for the merch again to take us out...


Fuck this show.


WrestleMania II: The Awards

1. Best Match
   The British Bulldogs vs The Dream Team
   Not. Even. Close.
2. Worst Match
   Probably Corporal Kirchner vs Nikolai Volkoff
   But boy this was close.
3. Highlight of the Show
   Mr. T cutting a promo on 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper. That was pure gold.
4. Lowlight of the Show
   Every time the show went back to New York for pointless comments by Vince McMahon & Susan Saint James.
5. Star of the Show
   Hulk Hogan. His backstage segments were awesome. Honourable mention to Mr. T for being Mr. T. Bret Hart was too busy letting Andre win the battle royal to steal the show.
6. Best Celebrity Appearance
   Mr. T. Not even a competition this time.
7. Worst Celebrity Appearance
   I feel like Ozzy Osbourne achieved nothing except to try and take the tag team titles back to Spinal Tap. And no, I'm not giving up on that joke.
   The others can barely be called celebrities or had even less involvement than Ozzy.
8. Tonight's Meal
   Tonight's wrap was avocado, spinach, kale, cucumber, tomato, capsicum, red onion and alfalfa sprouts with vegetarian meatballs in a tomato and garlic sauce, topped with mustard. Delicious - will certainly be rocking that again. The Oatmeal Creme Pie is already feeling like I'm eating plastic, though I had one for each main event tonight so that could be why. I tried to stick with 7-Up to avoid caffeine but had to reach for a small hit of Pepsi Max when we hit the LA portion of the show.
9. T-Shirt Cleanliness
   Some serious stains hitting the shirt from the sauce and avocado.
10. Overall Score
    Not fun. Maybe I was just tired, but this show felt like a year-long collection of bad and boring matches. The constant ego stroking from Vince McMahon was annoying, Susan Saint James was 20 kinds of a awful, and the D-list celebrities just make everything seem worse. The production errors were kind of entertaining, though. And the promos/interviews were mostly awesome.
    4 out of 10