UWF Fury Hour: Episode 16

UWF Fury Hour Episode 16, 28th January 1991

We open with a recap of the 'Mr. Wonderful'/'Dr. Death' feud. 'Dr. Death' warns of a bloodbath about twenty times. Herb calls their upcoming match "the match of the year". Bold statement to make in the first month of the year. And when their last match was awful.

Craig and Bruno are expecting a war! They're also talking about B. Brian Blair and 'Cowboy' Bob Orton. I'm actually surprised that isn't the main event for next week - I thought they would want to space out all this excitement. Oh and tonight we get the debut of a guy called 'Sunny Beach'. I can't wait...

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Louie Spicolli
'Wild Thing' gets in the ring and then spots some drunk girls, so he leaves the ring to give them hugs.

Spicolli gets out of the ring and 'Wild Thing' starts counting him out? I'd wonder why he thinks he is the referee, but the referee for this match is super old and slow.

Winner = 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray via flying crossbody

I think 'Wild Thing' actually got in like 3 offensive moves.

David Sammartino runs down Ivan Koloff's accomplishments... like beating his Dad.

David Sammartino vs Ivan Koloff
Bruno talks a lot about David needing a different strategy against someone the calibre of Koloff. Koloff tries to do the chain on the turnbuckle trick to David, but David reverses it and Koloff hits the turnbuckle & chain - that's a good strategy. Koloff tries the 'pin with his feet on the ropes' trick, but the referee actually sees it. They brawl outside on the concrete carpet. Koloff suplexes David back in the ring at the count of 10.

Winner = David Sammartino via countout

Bruno is just like 'What a shitty way to win for that kid'. 

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff doesn't want to be thrown around, so he blasts his arms!

'

The Golden Greek' John Tolos shilling the limousine will never be unenjoyable.

Sunny Beach vs Mike Williams

Craig: "He's surfing in the ring!"
Dude is wrestling in a wetsuit? He's the most redneck surfer I've ever seen. At least do a Michelangelo voice or something!

Winner = Sunny Beach via shitfest

'Cowboy' Bob Orton thinks he is going to end B. Brian Blair's career. John Tolos talks about a tarantula and an albino and "all those other guys". What??

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano asks why Honey is here with B. Brian Blair - because they are your fucking guests? Blair implies Orton isn't a real cowboy because he doesn't ride a horse in public. Albano says the bad guys slapped Honey. No they didn't - Orton headbutted her. Albano does his usual 'I'm going to talk and shout all the time and then tell you to go ahead, but when you try and talk I'll just shout over top of you'.

Ask The Wrestlers

Albano cuts a promo totally about this kid being a woman. Herb plays it off with "Captain Lou got so excited by your question he mistook your name for Andrea" and I'm absolutely fucking dying here! 

THIS SHIT AIN'T LIVE, PEOPLE

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff. Muscle Builder. Get real!

B. Brian Blair w/Honey & Capt. Lou Albano vs 'Cowboy' Bob Orton w/John Tolos
Blair goes for a slam - don't worry, Craig calls it a suplex. Either way it fails and he falls over. Bruno wants to see this match without John Tolos getting involved. Bruno, you're the man and all, but Tolos hasn't actually done anything yet - so you are seeing that match now! Then to make me look like a jerk, Tolos starts interfering. But Honey and Albano are supposed to be there to stop that from happening, so really it's their fault. Orton ends up outside the ring on the concrete carpet and Honey threatens him with the stinger. Blair hits that 'modified Boston Crab figure-4 leglock' also known as him botching the Sharpshooter, so Tolos hits him with a chair. I like to think that's his way of saying "Learn to do this hold right!". Albano distracts the referee so Honey pokes Orton's butt with the stinger. Commentators are totally fine with all this. And Blair using an international object in his hand. But the referee isn't.

Winner = 'Cowboy' Bob Orton via disqualification

Hilariously, Blair was disqualified for hitting Tolos.

Call The Powerline and talk to... Colonel DeBeers??

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams brags about being a beach bully.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff thinks he made up the term 'rule breaker'.

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff vs 'Dr. Death' Steve Williams
'Dr. Death' attacks before the bell, but Orndorff reverses - he is fired up! He beats up 'Dr. Death' on the concrete carpet. The dudes up the front are screaming for the piledriver. Instead, Orndorff hits him with an umbrella... and gets disqualified?? Are you for fucking real?? Orndorff continues to beat 'Dr. Death' because he is here for revenge, gawdammit. Wait did the bell ring by accident? Phew - that's a relief!

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER because Herb tells us we are out of time, so the rest of the match will be aired on the next episode in 2 weeks.

OH FUCK THE FUCK OFF.

Thoughts:

• Sunny Beach is hilariously terrible.
• 'Wild Thing' is a textbook example on how to not book a good guy.
• Orndorff/Dr. Death has been hyped since day fucking one and they just killed half the steam with the fake disqualification (even the commentators thought the match was over) and then not airing it properly.
• Kill this company now.
• In truth, I was having a great time with this episode and would have put it above WCW for the week. But that main event nonsense just put this in the dirt.
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