UWF Fury Hour: Episode 14

UWF Fury Hour Episode 14, 14th January 1991

Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine has arrived at the UWF because it is the greatest pro-wrestling promotion and he wants to challenge the best! He will make his debut tonight - after endless episodes of everyone acting like he was already here.

TONIGHT! The UWF has finally arrived in New York! 

Bruno and Craig are excited to see a major star like Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine come to the UWF. We will also be treated to rematch of last week's incredible main event - 'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff. 

Fuck you, New York!

Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine vs Sonny Blaze?
Valentine is being hyped as the biggest star in the ever or something.

Winner = Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine via figure-4 leglock

The crowd are hot for Valentine.

My man Herb gets on the mic with Valentine after the match. He wants to know why Valentine is here! Money? Drugs? Free parking? Valentine says he is the greatest and the UWF is also the greatest.

Andre the Giant is still challenging wrestlers in the UWF?

'Iceman' King Parsons vs Loser McLoserface
'Iceman' has new tights and shaved his head. Bruno is more interested in the "celebrities" in attendance... like... Nikolai Volkoff. 

Winner = 'Iceman' King Parsons via meh

I almost made a pun about the Iceman cooling off the crowd and thought better of it.

Don Muraco vs Chris Michaels
Is he the cousin of Shawn Michaels or something? He attacks before the bell and Muraco is just like 'What a little clown' and then completely obliterates the dude. Holy shit - 'Ravishing' Rick Rude is in the crowd! Gawdam Herb, if only you could have signed him instead of some of these other people. Bruno explains that this match hasn't ended yet because Muraco needs a decent workout.

Winner = Don Muraco via monster squash

This Michaels' selling is as comical as that other Michaels.

'Ravishing' Rick Rude tells Muraco he's sweaty. Muraco extends his fist for a bump but SIKE it was just a fake out. 

No wonder Rude didn't sign with the UWF...

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff shills some type of muscle powder because he doesn't eat "wimp food like cheeseburgers, french fries and quiche".

Captain Lou's Corner
Albano brings in Greg Valentine and brags about being his manager many years ago, which leads to lots of arguing about how Valentine cheats.

It's time for The Box Office so Herb can announce that Rumble in the Big Apple II is next month. Featuring spectacular matches like... Nikolai Volkoff vs Boris Zukhof. Don't rush to get tickets!

Talk to Bruno Sammartino on the UWF Powerline!

Ask The Wrestlers

'Dr. Death' Steve Williams does not appreciate your question.

B. Brian Blair w/Honey vs Mike Williams
Mike Williams has a nice sparkly robe.

Winner = B. Brian Blair via shitshooter

Herb tells Blair that 'Cowboy' Bob Orton is out drinking or something. Blair responds with... words? Something about New York being Paradise City, I think? 'Ravishing' Rick Rude is just like "What the fuck is wrong with this dude?"

'Cowboy' Bob Orton and 'The Golden Greek' John Tolos are backstage to prove Herb is liar. They say something about making a meal using Blair, so I take back my comment about Herb lying.

David Sammartino vs Louie Spicolli
We get a backstage promo from Spicolli about how "hot" his body is. Bruno is very confused about what Spicolli's intentions are towards David.

Winner = David Sammartino via figure-4 leglock

So does everyone in the UWF use the figure-4 now?

'Mr. Wonderful' Paul Orndorff is back to shill some type of arm bar weightlifting thing. John Tolos still has his limosine deal.

Killer Kowalski is now associated with the UWF. Poor guy.

Ivan Koloff has a brain, unlike Americans.

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray thinks their upcoming match will determine the number one wrestler in the world. Bro...

'Wild Thing' Steve Ray vs Ivan Koloff
Ray goes looking for the ladies, but mostly finds dudes with moustaches. Koloff wonderfully tricks Ray into hitting the chain on the top turnbuckle.

Winner = Ivan Koloff via dastardly heel

Herb takes us through the replay and can't even mention that 'Wild Thing' also had his hand on the ropes - because why make the good guys look better? Instead he tells Steve Ray to go away and practice harder. Bahahaha.

NEXT WEEK: more matches from New York. Yippee.

Don Muraco sends us home with his parody of a pro-wrestling promo.

Thoughts:

• This was slightly better than WCW this week.
• This crowd was HAWT.
• Bah gawd I would have liked more Rick Rude on these shows, but hopefully this means he'll soon be appearing in WCW.